108-S: How to Get Him To Do What You Want

16 Aug
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A show I wish I had listened to YEARS ago!

We all have ideas of what we’d like our husbands to do. But for many of us we have a very faulty tactic.

Instead of feeling cared for, romanced and cherished, we feel resentful, angry, and alone.

This is my story. How I started in marriage, what changed and what has happened. Now, who my husband has become is quite incredible.

Here’s the general flow of the show:

  • My Story: Beginning
  • My Story: Middle
    • why was I doing all this and he was just enjoying all my work…from the bedroom to the kitchen… it just didn’t seem fair
  • My Story: End
    • I have known for years that I need to respect my husband, but I never understood what it meant practically
    • then I read…
      • Surrendered Wife: I read this and highly recommend it. Fantastic insights on how to stop controlling & stressing, and how to enjoy romance in your marriage as a result!
      • I give the high-level overview, but you should really read it!
    • Here’s what has happened
    • Here’s what I’ve done, the specific changes I’ve made recently that has made all the difference
  • Final encouragement 

(scroll down for full – general – transcript)

Thanks for listening! I hope you are encouraged to live in wholehearted intimacy!

 

Love,

Belah

 

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General Transcript

  • Main point: treat your husband the way you want him to become
  • Story
    • Beginning
      • Who I have been in marriage
        • nit-picking
        • controlling
        • the teacher
          • the one who knows better, the one who researches, the one who takes care of organizing, controls the details in and out
        • trying to be the social representation
          • I literally would get nervous if he’d say anything in public bc I wasn’t sure I could trust him
      • Who my husband was
        • waited for me
        • generally happy to do what I wanted him to do
        • let me make hard decisions
          • or I’d try my best to include him in them, but I’d be the one to bring it up
        • he didn’t trust himself in most things
          • the kids
          • the house
          • our finances
          • social settings
    • Middle
      • but there were too many times where I felt like I was doing way too much
      • and eventually my health made it so that I was very limited in how I could interact with the world
        • and he took care of me
        • and he took care of the kids
        • and he made sure we made it through
      • and then I got better to a degree and I started doing my normal, trying to do/control everything
      • so in the midst I’m doing DYM
        • and everything else
        • and loving what I’m learning but something wasn’t working in my marriage and I couldn’t figure out what it was
          • for a while I thought it was all about sex
          • and sex has been a really fantastic part of our connection
            • but there was something that I couldn’t understand
    • why was I doing all this and he was just enjoying all my work…from the bedroom to the kitchen… it just didn’t seem fair
      • there were times we’d have these disagreements and I’d feel it was completely unfair, then I’d hear a message about not comparing and I’d feel better for a little while; then a birthday would pop up and he’d forget, or an occasion and I’d have to take care of every little thing and I’d be just horribly exhausted
    • End
      • So, I’ve been going like this
        • while I’ve been doing DYM
        • DYM has always been about sharing and being taught
        • I share what I feel is on my heart that will help others, but I also seek to dive deeper into this thing called marriage
        • well, some interviews would give me a glimmer into something I wasn’t enjoying
          • and that would make me more resentful of the man I was living with
          • and then I’d remember to be proactive and do what I could do to make things different
        • then came Laura Doyle
          • and after her interview and I went out and read her book
          • and I started to apply some of the principles because she had something I wanted
          • but it didn’t really work
          • and I knew I needed more
            • so I invited her as a guest again
              • well this time, I realized I needed to read her first book, which basically gives the foundational tools to move forward
      • I have known for years that I need to respect my husband, but I never understood what it meant practically
        • this book is practical
          • what to say, what not to say; what to do and what not to do;
      • Here’s what has happened
        • as much as I agree with my guests having date-nights on a regular basis it wasn’t something we were doing regularly
          • we’ve had a date night just about every week for a while now; and I haven’t planned most of them
          • I let him know I’d like to go out and he calls around, finds a baby-sitter, figures out the budget and takes me on a date
        • romance has improved
          • we danced in the kitchen the other day after I suggested that I think that would be fun
        • I’ve had more time for myself
          • I’ve been able to enjoy time alone
          • when I’ve had a day and I needed to go on a walk by myself, he tells me to enjoy myself
          • when I go running in the mornings, he makes breakfast while I’m gone, things I’ve never asked him to do and he has it ready for me when I get home
        • he takes more ownership for our family
          • even right now, I’m doing this show and he suggested that he take the kids and go to target to get diapers, wipes and some other things we need (after he checked the budget he’s keeping to make sure it was there)
          • yesterday, I was working on this show and I finished and walked into the bathroom to find out my husband had cleaned the whole bathroom and even replaced the shower curtain
        • he shows more PDA
          • just a few months ago I remember dropping unbelievable hints about wanting him to touch me while we’re out
          • now: he puts his arm about me, grabs my hand, pulls me in for a kiss…oh just all the time
        • he is taking leadership in his walk with God
          • leadership meeting
          • he prays with the kids before they go to sleep and before our meals, things I wouldn’t have ever remembered to pray for
        • he’s become more attentive in the bedroom
          • we talk about sex all the time so I’ll leave at it that right now
        • and I’m at the beginning of this process
      • Here’s what I’ve done, the specific changes I’ve made recently that has made all the difference
        • most of this is straight from Laura Doyle’s book
        • I started telling him things about himself where I saw potential
          • I am saying what I see in him (even before he sees it in himself)
            • he’d do something small (like bring water so the boys would drink it) and I’d tell him that it reminds me of how he’s taking care of our family
            • he made me breakfast, and I made it the shape of a heart and made a post on Facebook of how romantic my man is
            • I just started willing myself to say what I believe he is (and what I want him to be)
          • I stopped doing things for him that a mother would do
            • stopped correcting him, teaching him, making him feel incapable
            • I started letting him take care of me
              • I let him start doing things on his own that I needed done and I didn’t want to do
              • I stopped taking over his projects
              • I stopped nitpicking his progress
          • I started completely encouraging him
            • you’re such a great man
            • wow I find you so sexy
            • what an amazing father you are
            • I feel so honored to be walking next to you
          • I stopped caring what people thought; I started caring what my husband thought
            • when I go to the playground to see my family, I first greet my family
              • I don’t even look anyone else in the eyes until I lay a big one on my hubby, and find out how he is
              • they are not my primary assignment, my husband is
            • I stopped wearing makeup because my husband thinks it’s sexy
            • I stopped caring so much about what I wear and getting much more of my thrills from what I wear JUST in front of my husband… and that is a LOT of fun
          • I started telling him how proud I am of him
          • I honored him to others; I agreed with others’ praise of him
          • I told him the things I liked but didn’t mind if they didn’t happen
            • and slowly it’s surprised me how frequently they happen and more!
          • I started saying “whatever you think” ALL THE TIME
          • I started saying “It’s up to you babe, I trust you”
          • I started encouraging his confidence
            • soccer league
          • I started saying “I can’t” and letting him decide what to do with whatever I can’t do
            • my son’s birthday party
        • Read the book
        • my last story: I have wanted my husband to lead our family spiritually forever and here’s what happened
          • he spoke up and everyone was touched and crying
            • he even mentioned me in a positive and beautiful way
    • last encouragement
      • I want you to know this was scary, and awkward and uncomfortable in the beginning
      • but it’s worth it to make these wise changes
        • and don’t tell him you’re making changes
        • at all
        • ti’s going to be hard for you but it’ll be worth it if you just wait a few months
        • tell all your worries, fears and concerns to a girlfriend who you’re reading the book with
      • and then get to the other side together
      • its not easy, but I don’t know any other way
      • and I believe God will honor you for these choices