DYM Ep69: Sex. How Much Is Enough? with Belah Rose

27 Oct
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Sex. How Much Is Enough?

 

Hi there! Belah here. Today, I’m doing a solo show and I’ll be talking about sex, as we often do. How much sex is enough? On this episode, I talk about the purpose of sex, the difference in perception of sex in men and women, and how to care for your spouse’s desires. I also share about the effects of the absence of sex in my own life due to some recent medical issues, which made me realize how sexual intimacy is a deeper, more emotional experience for our husbands.

Sign up for my upcoming FREE webinar Specifics of Amazing Peni: Master the Four Stages and the Mindset for an Amazing Experience by going to delightyourmarriage.com/webinar

Scripture/Quote:

  • “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” Matthew 19:4-6
  • Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

DYM (13)

You’ll Discover:

  • What the purpose of sex is
  • How men and women perceive sex and the different emotional effects it has
  • How husbands should approach sex and their wives when it comes to sex
  • The things we should stop asking and starting saying within marriage
  • How to determine how often is enough

Books & Resources Mentioned:

wife commits to sex

Tweetables:

  • Sex is the one defining thing that separates marriage from any other relationship.
  • The purpose of sex is unification.
  • Let’s stop asking “What’s fair?”
  • When wives commit their minds to sex, their bodies engage.
  • A husband has to slow down and exhibit the fruits of the spirit. Your wife needs to have time to relax.
  • We need to be serving our spouses more.
  • Sex begets more sex.

Thanks for listening! I hope you are encouraged to live in wholehearted intimacy!

Love,

Belah

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Transcript:

  • Thank you so much for joining me today on the Delight Your Marriage podcast. Today we’re going to talk about sex as we often do, but we’re talking about how much sex is enough.
    • But before we dive into that I want to read an iTunes review that really encouraged me the other day
      • Lifechanging: The information that Belah presents has teh potential to change your marriage for te better and your life forever. Before you listen, pray for God to open the eyes of your understanding. My marriage is better because of this podcast. I highly recommend you go listen ASAP!!
    • Thank you so much for that iTunes review. That means so much to me.
    • Ok lets dive into the topic today. I’ll be discussing how to find out how much sex is enough for your marriage. I’ll also be talking about the difference in frequency desires between men and women generally and how to care for your spouses desires.
  • —-start—-
  • As a goal oriented person myself, I have asked the question, how much is enough?
    • This question actually came up in a facebook group I manage so I thought I’d give a fuller answer here.
      • By the way if you’d like to be part of a private online community supporting other wives towards wholehearted intimacy you can join us at delightyourmarriage.com/family
  • I’d like to start off with the purpose of sex first of all
    • when we talk about sex in our culture the purpose is pleasure, getting your own needs met
    • well in Christian circles sometimes the dialogue surrounds serving and giving the other person what she or –most often–he needs
    • but neither are a Biblical view of sex
      • when Jesus talks about sex in Matthew 19:4-6
        • ‘Haven’t you read,’ he replied, ‘that at the beginning the Creator “made them male and female,”[a] 5 and said, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh”[b]? 6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.’
        • I find it so interesting that Jesus said the reason God made them different sexes was so that they could become one flesh
          • and we know he’s talking at least mostly talking about sex because when he says later in the passage the only thing that could break apart this markedly unique union would be sexual infidelity…
          • sex is the one thing that sets apart your marriage from every other relationship; it is the one defining thing that Jesus says unifies you
  • So within the context of unification, there are some differences between men and women
    • in fact the the highest priority desires of you and your husband are different in marriage
    • if you think of all the things you need to feel fulfilled in your marriage and then dumb those down to the 2 most important I would guess that you
      • 1-desire to feel cherished
      • 2-desire to be helped by a happy mate, around the house or outside of it
    • And if I asked your husband to dumb down all of his desires to the two highest priority for him to feel fulfilled in a marriage, I bet he’d say
      • 1-desire to feel respected
      • 2-desire to receive sexual fulfillment with an engaged, happy wife
    • when both sides feel fulfilled in their highest desires they want to fill up their spouse
  • These are obviously different and I think God made us this way on purpose
    • These next comments are for the husbands:
    • for a husband to receive his highest desires he has to woo his wife and she has particular things that will make her feel sexually aroused
      • so for a husband to woo her, he has to slow down and exhibit fruits of the spirit: kindness, patience, goodness, gentleness
      • For those husbands listening it would be wise to consider how you can help your wife get ready for love making
        • for her to enjoy sex, she needs to have time to be relaxed
        • for the husband he comes to the act totally aroused,
        • but for your wife, the sex act is a build up to arousal
        • for her it’s a process of teasing, gentle non-genital caresses, kisses and other foreplay that makes her build in her arousal
        • but before any of that happens she needs to feel cherished
        • show her that you care about her, listen to her, surprise her with flowers, make her feel cherished
        • before making love she needs to feel relaxed: you can help her by cleaning the kitchen, wrangling the kids and putting them to sleep while she takes a bath, or putting the laundry away while she has some time to herself to get pampered
        • when she can have that time to herself to get to a place where she can enjoy the act, it will be a much better experience for her (and will help her to enjoy the act more and more)
        • I’d like to mention is that I did a 2-part interview with J Parker on how to enjoy sex more, that was episode 64 & 65
          • that’s important (also a great listen for husbands who want to understand their wives more)
          • you are designed to enjoy sex and there are many things you can do to enjoy it more and we’ll be talking more about that on upcoming episodes
    • that was to husbands, but now I’m talking to wives
    • for a wife to receive her highest desires (to feel cherished, to recieve his help), she needs to work at meeting her husbands’ highest desires: to respect him and honor his sexual desires
  • Before I move into how much is enough, I want to just take some time to talk about what sex means to your husband
    • experts say sex is a more intimate experience for men than it is for women; for him its actually emotional
      • they argue: women get their emotional needs all over the place, chatting with a girlfriend, hugging a neighbor, laughing with the lady at the check out line; she receives emotional closeness in many different ways.
      • men don’t. they don’t really hug or let their emotions out very many ways.
      • sex is an emotional experience.
    • when your husband asks for sex he’s asking you to care about his emotional desires;
    • he’s vulnerable. more vulnerable than at any other time.
    • in our marriage, due to health reasons
      • we weren’t able to make love for a time and I asked D what he though about it. He said it was fine because he understood the reasons. But I pressed further and he meekly responded that he just feels like he can’t love me as deeply without making love to me
    • As Dr. John Gray says “a man needs sex to feel again, to feel joy, peace, love” (Mars & Venus In the Bedroom)
    • you did not marry a man who was self-sufficient. God made him that way.
    • Your husband needs your sexual love to feel fulfilled in his marriage
  • On a personal note, when my husband and I got married he was not a Christian. He was a good man but had too many questions about whether God existed. Well, my pastor told me something very wise.
    • I think a lot of Christians married to non-Christians decide it is their responsibility to be the Holy Spirit to their non-Christian spouse. Sometimes even couples that are both Christians take this approach. But truly, it couldn’t be further from the truth.
    • My pastor told me “Being a Christian should be the best thing that happened to your marriage”.
    • I worked hard to honor that wisdom in my marriage. And by God’s grace, my husband was baptized 10 months after we were married.
    • Women, we yield so much power in our relationship. Think of the giants of faith in the Bible:
      • David who went away from God’s laws because of Bathsheba;
      • Sampson who went away from God’s promises to his mother and revealed the source of his strength because of Delilah; and
      • the wisest of all, King Solomon went away from God because he followed the gods of his wives.
    • this can teach us how important the seductive power of a woman in a marriage is and it also reveals how incredibly important sex is to our husbands
  • So, how much sex is enough? Let me first suggest we stop saying somethings and start saying somethings
    • first let’s stop asking what’s fair
      • if you’re not doing enough for me, I won’t do this for you
      • sure if things are terribly lopsided, honest, loving conversations should be had
      • but wait on God for that, you may see a different person when you are generous in the ways they desire in marriage
    • lets stop saying things like “well if he’s good, then we’ll have sex” or “maybe he’ll get lucky”
      • these words are underlying a cool indifference to your husband’s vital desire; I’m sure you wouldn’t feel ok if he said “I’ll spend time listening to her, if she serves me in the bedroom”; can you imagine? Its important to realize that your desires are not higher than his and his are not higher then yours, but his deserve respect and appreciate just as yours do
    • lets START asking how can I love more?
    • as a reminder…
      • Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Cor 13
  • there are certain things in life that I think are my responsibility: recycling, voting, being kind to the check out clerk
    • but there are very few things in life that I know God considers my responsibility
      • but when I stood before the important people in my life, the pastor and almighty God, wearing my white dress, holding my beloved’s hand, looking into his eyes, I promised to love this man and I so intend to and I believe this is my responsibility before God
    • now that you know what makes your spouse feel most loved, my question to you is how can you love them more?
  • Here’s how to determine how often is enough
    • 1-open conversation
      • if it seems like a hard conversation to start maybe just ask him to listen to this episode to discuss later and then you can get his opinion on how important sex is to him and start the conversation that way
      • What you want to find out in the conversation is
        • how many times a week is his desire; if he could make love as many times as he’d like what would it be; get a chance to really hear him; be curious and interested; do not judge, this should be a safe space for him to express his desires
        • and then explore your own desire; and discuss how many times per week is your desire
      • One piece that is always in my mind is the fact that sex means more to him than it does to me.
        • At the point of orgasm is his greatest oxytocin release but mine (and women in general) is during foreplay, cuddling or a long hug. So I don’t experience it the same as him and I don’t crave it as much as him.
        • So I try to allow his desire to play a larger role in the equation than mine. Its not that I don’t think my drive matters, its just that he feels loved by making love and so do most men. I feel more loved through the other things he does for me AS A RESULT of his feeling fulfilled. 
    • SO, then together you can come up with an ideal, for example maybe it’s every other day
      • some days you’ll hit it, some days you’ll miss but you’ll remember that’s your ideal and try to come back to it
    • the other very important reason having an ideal you’re trying to hit is because
      • when wives commit in their heads to sex, their body starts to engage; it doesn’t always and maybe not even usually happen that your body goes first (like your husband)
      • I encourage my coaching clients to initiate more because it actually gets your mind engaged and then your body can start to get excited, and get ready for making love
        • as a note to men: if she starts, I’d encourage you to still begin with foreplay, that means: non-genital teasings, touchings and carresses before moving to intercourse. this will help her fully enjoy even if she intiates
      • and for the wife, if you’re starting to feel pressured, set your intentions to make love, but start by just cuddling and once you get some of those oxytocin chemicals flowing you may just feel more interested in the act
  • Also, I want to mention that we women want sex to be perfect; we want to look perfect, we want the house to be tidy, we want to foreplay for 17.5 minutes before going onto passionate kissing before moving onto the main course…and on and on to utter perfection
    • but you know what your husband wants? he wants to look at your wonderful body, enjoy the experience as is, and have a fantastic orgasmic release. So, I know perfect sex is better for us and some nights you’ll be able to enjoy perfect sex,
      • but you know, some nights you just need to fulfill him and go to sleep
    • and there are some great options, specifically peni which the way I teach it, can be done when you’re really tired and even with little effort but great love. peni is when a wife lovingly and delightedly brings her husband to orgasm using her hand mouth.
      • I have a free webinar on the subject coming up called Specifics of Amazing Peni: master the 4 stages and mindset for an amazing experience
        • I did this webinar before and got wonderful feedback: someone said that intimacy was different the very next night; a seasoned wife said “even I learned something and I’m celebrating my 44th anniversary next month”.
        • It’s an awesome webinar, it’s happening in one week: Wednesday November 4 and if you can’t make it still sign up so you can have access to the replay
  • But just to finish up my topic
    • There was an article in the Wallstreet Journal about a couple who weren’t having sex and here’s what the husband said
    • “For me to feel good about myself, I needed her to have sex with me,” he says. “Otherwise I thought she didn’t love me.”
    • Justin Lehmiller, a Harvard University social psychologist who studies sexuality. Taking away sex “takes away their primary emotional outlet.”
    • “A study published in the May issue of Social Psychological and Personality Science looked at sexual desire in long-term relationships and concluded that people are better able to sustain desire when they are motivated to meet their partner’s sexual needs, even when these needs conflict with their own preferences.”
      • they followed couples who had been in long term relationships and found that those couples who engaged in sex because they knew their partner’s desire actually began to desire their partner more and their relationship was happier versus the couples who only engaged to meet their own desire, their desire went down and so did the vitality of the relationship
  • just by being willing to meet your spouse’s desire increases your desire as well
    • many experts say: sex begets more sex; and more desire too
  • SO, In answer to the question how much sex is enough, I’d respond: it depends for your marriage and the two people’s sex drives, but generally: a lot
  • In fact, lets transform the stereotype that once you get married, sex stops
    • lets instead be the wives who make it popular to get married because the love-making just gets better and better
  • sex is an activity to unify your marriage
    • the purpose is not just to fulfill his desires, but yours too
    • both of you can make this activity better and better for each other
    • but oneness is the end result because a unified couple can do more for the kingdom of God and that’s why Jesus said “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh”[b]? 6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh”.
  • if you have a question and would like me to answer it, email me.
  • Thank you so much for listening to this podcast episode. If you like this format let me know. You can email me at belah@delightyourmarriage.com and you can share questions you have

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