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PI: After yet another heartbreak, culminating in a night of drinking and a miserable morning… made Kellar realize she wasn’t headed in the direction that would be fulfilling. She was ready to get off the rollercoaster of hurt. And God allowed her to take an opportunity to change her life around. Then she made intentional choices and met a man who she began dating and intentionally choosing saving physical intimacy for marriage. Hear her journey and be inspired in your marriage.
Check out Part II (coming out next week!) at delightyourmarriage.com/103
You’ll Discover:
- How Kellar’s life took a radical turn after waking up after yet another heartbreak.
- How to save sex for marriage and why.
- How Kellar made significant changes in her dating relationship but it started with her courageous (and unpopular) choice that mattered.
- How she made an intentional choice to stay single and become a God-honoring woman to be prepared for a God-honoring marriage.
Books & Resources Mentioned:
- The New Rules of Love, Sex and Dating the Andy Stanley bible study which impacted Kellar so much that she ended up choosing singleness for a season to become the woman the man of her dreams would want to be.
- Episode 100: How To Find The Love Of Your Life – My take (Belah) on how you can find the person of your dreams. I give the specific strategy that Kellar used that helped her meet her (now) husband 2 months later!
Scripture/Quote:
- Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. Do everything in love. 1 Corinthians 16:13
Tweetables:
- I had just had my heart broken again. And God used it to get my attention.
- Getting out of that loop of receiving your worth from other people is so tough but necessary.
- Become the person who you’re looking for, is looking for.
- Continuing down the path that hasn’t been working, is not going to get you what you want.
Thanks for listening! I hope you are encouraged to live in wholehearted intimacy!
Love,
Belah
—
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Transcript
0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host belah Rose.
0:18
Hi there and welcome. Thank you for joining me today I have a special treat it is one of my dearest friends Keller Ronan. And as you probably know, if you’ve been with the podcast for a while, you know that I don’t use my real name on the on the podcast not to be secretive, just to be private, I talk about lots of vulnerable really intimate details, obviously, because that’s what this podcast is about. And so I just prefer to use a pseudonym. And I gave my bestie the same thing. So you’ll notice every now and then we’re like Kettler. I mean, there was only a couple times where we slipped up and I had to go back and cut it out. But for the most part, it’s so anyway, I really wanted to have her on if you got a chance to listen to episode 100, where I talk about how to find the love of your life. Well, like I mentioned my best friend quite a bit in there. And so Keller is on today to talk about that story fleshed out a little bit how she went from someone who was really living life for herself and after kind of heartbreak after heartbreak of this relationship in that relationship and lots of things like that to end up coming to a place where she felt God really needed her to be prepared for marriage and what that that story was like and the other thing that I think she really brings to this and her next episode, which will be coming out next Tuesday is I really think a fresh it kind of infusion of of excitement about marriage and so if you’ve been married a long time, even if you think she might not have the depth of understanding because it’s it’s a lesser amount of time being married. I think we all need that fresh inspiration that fresh excitement that we might have let lag we might let get forgotten a little bit. So listening to kill her story. I think she’s got wonderful insights. And I’ll talk to you on the other side
2:23
Okay, welcome back to let your marriage listener I am really excited to have you thank you for being here and today. I have my best friend Keller Ronan on. Hi, Keller. Bella, welcome. I’m so excited to have you. Excited to be here. I talked about Keller story quite a bit. So I thought it would make a lot of sense to have Keller on and talk about her story, her side of things. And also, though it’s a fresh marriage, I’m really excited to hear her insights about marriage because a lot of us, you know, after we’ve been married for a while, it’s easy to forget some of those early initial feelings and excitements in the in the things you’re learning. And I just, I just am so excited for Keller to give us a fresh perspective and a fresh take on in what she’s learned so far in her journey. So, so Keller, would you go ahead and just start us out, as you know, but just introduce yourself a little bit. Your family and what your day to day life looks
3:23
like? Sure. Yeah, well, yeah, I’m so glad to be here. As I said, my name is Keller. My family is a family of two, me and my husband, sigh. We live in an apartment. We both work full time jobs. And we’ve been married now for about nine months. And after dating for about a year and a half. And we both love the Lord, we attend church, in our city and where we live and live in a pretty urban life. And yeah, we have a really great setup. I think we walk to the train he drives to work and yeah, our day to day life is pretty busy. But we try to sprinkle it in with you know, afternoons with friends and evenings out. And time at home. Just relaxing, watching TV reading together hanging out that kind of thing.
4:20
Very nice. Well, so and we both live in New York City. Yes. A little bit of perspective. That’s, um, yeah, so not everyone lives in the city life and what that actually looks like. So that’s kind of an interesting take on things. But would you go ahead and share a little bit about your personality and your husband’s personality? Yeah,
4:39
sure. So I think my husband and I are kind of similar in many ways. We’re both extroverts. We’re both communicators. I would say that I am more of an ideas person. Like a more of an enthusiastic planner. I really love getting people together and making things happen. OSI is a bit more serious. ematic he really does everything in a certain way, everything from how he goes about paying bills and organizing finances to where he likes things in the kitchen, how he wants certain dishes to be washed, that kind of thing. Yeah, more of a more of a free spirit, I would say and those, that kind of department as far as how things are done, but he’s a little bit more systematic, I’d say, in that kind of thing. He has a really great personality, I love the way he can kind of just strike up conversations with anybody and even awkward situations, and really just make people feel comfortable. I feel really comfortable taking him into situations where he really doesn’t need a line and just feeling really safe, that he could just talk to someone and find common ground with someone. So it’s really cool for me to watch and something that I really admire about his personality. And yeah, I guess both of our personalities are both pretty playful, both pretty outgoing, like to talk, like to be around people like to go to parties and host parties and that kind of thing. So, but I would say that he is a little bit more, he’s a little bit more introverted than I am. Whereas I get a ton of energy from those kind of settings. It does. I would say he loves it, but he needs to have a good balance of alone time and time to decompress. And probably more equal parts. Whereas me I could kind of just go all day and get being around people and, and not really feel tired by it at all. So
6:25
yeah, yeah, no, that’s no, that’s so good. Would you share a scripture or a quote that has meant a lot to you over the years? Or even just recently? Sure,
6:33
yeah. So one scripture that kind of spoke to me in my singleness. And when I was kind of in this phase of trying to work on myself and becoming the person that I want it to be for my future partner. And it’s, it comes out of Corinthians, and it’s beyond guard, stand firm in the faith, be courageous, be strong, and do everything in love. And the last piece of that scripture really has spoken to me over the years and kind of helped inform my motivations behind you know, my interactions with people and just trying to really get me back grounded and how I could try to be the most compassionate and kind person that I could be. And I think back to a lot of my kind of previous relationships and how, you know, it’s really easy to get caught up in, you know, thinking about yourself first. And I think selfishness was a common theme in a lot of my previous relationships. And after kind of a heart hard, but very growing year, I guess, of really focusing on trying to think about my motivations for what I’m saying how I’m behaving, how even thinking about and looking at people, and trying to see them the way God sees them, and to treat them and let my motivation be love in my relationships was, was a really eye opening experience for me. And something that’s really helped me I think, to just become a better person, and more of the kind of person that I would want to be in a relationship with. So Hmm,
8:12
that’s exciting. Okay. Well, I think you’ve kind of alluded to this next question that I wanted to kind of clarify, but just, you know, what’s a story that you can share with us and maybe a difficult season or struggle that either is in your marriage or, you know, that affected your marriage? And how did you overcome that?
8:27
Sure. Yeah. I mean, I guess I can kind of just tell, yeah, sorry, please. So my husband and I met at a different time in my life, I guess I was coming out of kind of this season of not focusing on dating and, and just trying to really focus on myself, my relationship with God and kind of changing the life that I was living, I moved to New York City, not really knowing anybody and kind of went through a series of really, you know, unhealthy, ungodly relationships and had really turned away from God in a lot of ways. And so I definitely was working on I went through a season of a year where I just decided I wasn’t going to be dating, I wasn’t going to be focusing on relationships, and was really going to just be focusing on you know, becoming a better person and becoming the person that I would want to be in a godly relationship with. And I’ll just put a small plug there to a sermon series that I went through with a group from my church, the Andy Stanley new rules of love, sex and dating, which really helped me kind of put myself in my mind set on a path towards actually finding the love of my life and helping me to evaluate the kind of relationship that I wanted to be in. But okay, so let me speed forward.
9:42
Well, let me make sure we understand so So you move to New York, and you’re in you know, just kind of a series of unhealthy relationships that weren’t following God, that kind of thing. And then so you got connected with a church or how did that act? How did that kind of help? Yeah, so
9:57
I I woke up one morning and decided to maybe try going back to church, I found a church and ended up meeting the man who was starting a church in the neighborhood where I lived. And so I just kind of got involved very early on, in that in that new church, which we now both attend. And it was a really great experience. And over that first few months, I’d say, first eight or nine months of being a part of that church, a small group formed where a group of ladies and I participated in a sermon series, where we kind of met together and listen to the sermon series on a video and then just discussed it over several weeks. And that was kind of the start of my year of singleness, where I just kind of tried to, you know, clear my mind and just recenter my life on, you know, becoming the person that I was looking for.
10:53
Okay, and so, so, because I know the answer to this, I have to ask. So, you said that you woke up one morning, and you just decided you need to go to church? I mean, was that was there a catalyst for that? Why?
11:08
Yeah, I mean, I had just had my heart broken again. I was definitely at the low end of another roller coaster ride, Ray had been just terribly disappointed as a night of drinking and just was just feeling, you know, really down, you know, this is this, it felt not, you know, rock bottom. But yeah, I was pretty, I was in a pretty low place at that point, and just didn’t have I felt like, you know, this is the only thing I can do, I need to change something in, in this pattern, which has just not served me well. And, you know, essentially, the pattern of just kind of living as I had in college, just really thinking about myself thinking about what was fun, and kind of just going about dating the way really the world sees dating, you know, who’s the hottest guy that you can get to pay attention to you and that kind of thing, and just putting a lot of your self worth and your, you know, attention on different guys, but really, not really thinking about too much, you know, more of the long term of what kind of substance Am I looking for in a man’s character? So
12:10
yeah, I think that’s just so important that you mentioned, you know, first of all, just, I had just had my heart broken. And again, I mean, I feel like that has been the impetus to, like, really change. It’s just amazing how God uses the heart to like, change, like, just, it hurts so freakin bad. We just can’t help but make a change, you know?
12:32
So true. Yeah. And I’ve been there and I feel like it’s, I see my single friends going through the same thing. And it’s, it’s so hard to, and then to see if you can try to find meaning from it. But kind of like you said, God definitely uses those times to get our attention, I think and to help us to make those hard decisions of this really isn’t working, do you want to try something different? Do you want to try doing this the way that I’m prescribing you to do it and come back to God? And he’s, he’s so faithful and good in those instances? So?
13:05
Yes, it’s so true. It’s so true. And I and I also like that you kind of, you know, a lot of people in our society, I mean, we both have single friends in the city or, you know, wherever you’re living, I’m sure you can think of me talking to you, listener, you can think of singles that think this way. And maybe yourself is one that, you know, you’re just concerned about the exterior. And I guess, Keller, why do you think that’s the case? I mean, why do you think our society has come to this place of like, it just matters, like you said, like, getting the hottest guy in the room to pay attention to you?
13:38
i It boggles the mind. It really does. Because I think a lot of it has to do with, you know, where we feel that we got our worth from when we were younger. And you know, I think that I remember very vividly the first time I got hit on I was 14 years old, I was in a grocery store. And the man was much much older than me. And it was at a time in my life when I felt you know, just so insecure. And so like, so I was very shy, you know, I didn’t get a lot of attention from boys or at school. And I just feel like those kinds of instances like they really can imprint themselves in your mind and can help you or, you know, steer you to feel that your worth is wrapped up in what the world says about you. And in you know, thinking that the validation of others is is more important than the validation of God. And I think it’s really easy, especially for young girls who to get on that path and then everything in society kind of confirms it, you know, the skinniest, the prettiest, the most popular. That’s the best and the girl who can get the best guy is the best and I think it’s definitely something that from media and you know, pop culture that is just really hammered hard into into our consciousness, so it’s really hard to shake and I think it really took You know that that kind of wake up call moment for me of saying, you know this? This isn’t a pattern this kind of self destructive roller coaster up and down? Is he going to text me? Is he going to call me? Oh, he didn’t call and I’m crushed now you know. So trying to get out of that loop of feeling your worth from other from other people. It’s tough, but I think just so important to being able to recenter and refocus and get on a path towards something that’s going to be, you know, healthy.
15:30
Mm hmm. And it’s interesting. Um, well, first, I just want to say the, like you said, that pattern, the rollercoaster, you know, is it going to call? Is he going to text? I mean, that’s, I just can so vividly remember that horrible feeling? You know, when you’ve gone one day, two days, three days since the date and it’s just heartbreaking, you know? And like you said, the the part about your you’re not, you hadn’t thought about the content of his character. And, you know, we’ve all seen marriages fall apart, however, long after the beautiful wedding, you know, with beautiful people that were desperately in love. And then, you know, of course, that’s what this whole podcast is about is the you know what happened? Right, but, but I think we’re, you know, talking about kind of that, that earlier phase, like, what are you looking for in a person, so, okay, so, now that we’ve got the backstory, okay, so Andy Stanley numerals of love, and sex and dating, I’m going to have that on the show notes. So our listeners can easily get to that. But what did that do for you? Why did that? Why was it such a changing moment? That, uh,
16:33
yeah, I mean, I think, one part of the series near the end, he recalls a story of a, of a girl that he met, and he talks about kind of her story and how she she comes to him and says, you know, I moved to Atlanta, and I was kind of living, like, I just had out of college, and I could hear a lot of my story in that, you know, she was just stating, you know, kind of casually, and she’d grown up in the church, but I kind of drifted away, and she was having sex outside of marriage, and, and just just kind of doing things, you know, she just kind of slipped into the pattern of her friends. And everybody kind of saying, you know, this is just how it goes, this is how dating in a city goes, and how she was kind of at this social function one night, where she met this really, you know, handsome guy who was just talking about his faith, he was talking about his ministry and His Church, and she just was enamored by him, she’d never met anything like him and just thought, you know, that’s, that’s what I thought I want, you know, that’s what I always wanted from when I grew up in the church. And, you know, that’s the kind of guy that I would want to marry. And she was just so excited about him, she chatted with him, and, you know, was so excited after the night and went home and told her mom about him, and her mom, you know, knowing what her kind of life had become, after hearing the story said to her, you know, sweetheart, a guy like that’s not looking for a girl like you. And it just broke her heart, you know, she was devastated and, and she could finally see your life with some perspective of, you know, this isn’t the path that I wanted to be on. It’s never what I wanted. And, you know, I really want to go back to, you know, what I was raised with the faith that I was raised in and want to change around the way I’m doing this whole dating thing, I know, I’m doing it wrong. And I just I felt for her and really resonated with that story, I felt, I could see myself in it. And, you know, you know, I want to turn this around, I want to get back to my faith, and I want to start dating in a way that, that, that the church, and that God says, is on the path toward a healthy, godly marriage. And so I think that that was just really defining for me, a major turning point. And from then on, I just decided, you know, I, I don’t want to date anybody else that I don’t think has the potential to be my husband and my life partner. Awesome. And so he kind of prescribes at the end of that series that you take a year off of dating, and try to become the person that the person you’re looking for is looking for. And I think throughout that process, you know, I just tried to get really busy, you tried to get really busy with church and involved in my friends and my friendships and my friends lives. And somewhere along that line, I ran, I met you and became very fast friends. And I remember after the year, I think the year ended, I believe in August, and then I think in October, you and I had kind of sat down and talked about you know how I could start dating again and I was just you know, really wanting some advice for what to do next. And I remember writing out the list of things that I wanted in my future husband and the things that I didn’t want and you know, I as you kind of refer to in Episode 100 I definitely came across that list just the other day ago and was absolutely astounded by how many of the things on that list? My husband’s I just completely embodies things that I never thought that I was really looking for, you know, somebody who’s handy and somebody who’s mechanical and who has strengths and things that I don’t have. And he’s, he’s just spot on. And I’m just I’m so grateful that we went through that exercise. And I walked away from it in December after that, you know, meeting my husband that December, which was really quick.
20:22
Wow. Isn’t that cool? Just two months? Oh, my gosh, praise God, I didn’t realize it was so good. Well, you see, God is so good. Okay, so I just want to kind of point out some things that were really amazing. In your story. You know, first of all, you recognize that God was giving you an opportunity, you know, Andy Stanley, small group this series, you I mean, the story really resonated with you and you didn’t let that go. I think it’s easy for us to get distracted over and over and over again, and we hear something that has the potential to change our lives. And we just keep going with whatever we’re doing, because we just can’t take the time to make a change. Right. But you were really intentional. You said, no, no, this is not what I want to continue. I don’t want a life full of broken hearts. And you know, the dream of a fulfilling, godly marriage to disappear. And so you spent that year really intentional. And I like you said, I met you during that year. And it’s true, you were very intentional about church activities. And, and the ways you you spent your time and the relationships you were pursuing and, like the friendships. And you really did focus and, and I just, I just think that’s so wise. And I would say anyone that’s listening, you know, if God is offering you a second chance, another chance, maybe it’s a third a 20th chance, it’s time, it’s time to make that change, really. And I love that you spent the time to do that, to work on the quality of your character as a as a woman of God, as someone who wants to be pure in the way that she lives her life pure and holy before the Lord, I just appreciate that so much. And then you took that, that next step to say, Okay, now, who is the kind of person I’m looking for? And? And then how to do that. So so Yeah, wonderful, wonderful stuff. Um, anything you want to add to this, that would be helpful for our listener who might be in a spot that you were in?
22:22
Yeah, I would, I would encourage you to listen to that sermon series. And to, to evaluate where you are in your life and say, you know, are you happy? Or do you feel that this is this is the right kind of guy that you want to be with? Or if you’re single? Do you want to be in a relationship? And if so, what are you willing to do to be in a godly relationship and to find the man of your dreams, I would say, you know, really think hard about it. Because you know, continuing down a path that hasn’t been working, is not going to get you the results that you need, you know, you have to make a change. And I think that that’s sometimes the hardest step is deciding to do something uncomfortable and you know, do something that maybe doesn’t feel as fun to not have a guy calling you and texting you for a year. But yeah, I think, coming to terms with is this a change that God’s asking me to make? Is this something that he wants? For me, that’s going to ultimately bring me a lot more joy and fulfillment. And I think that if you do make the change that, that you’ll see that that that’s true.
23:25
Hmm. And I kind of want to point out something that might be people might be wondering about Keller Keller is incredibly beautiful and, and an incredibly easy kind of social light like she’s she can be the life of the party, easy to meet people has the confidence to stare across the room in the wind get someone like, that’s who we’re talking about here. And she it was intentional about saying no, no, no, I don’t want where my life is that I don’t want the relationships that have been and how to transform that. And I guess, um, maybe were there any other kind of practical things you did during this year, that you felt kind of made you a person that was ready to be in a relationship?
24:09
Um, I would say, you know, a lot of a lot of time in prayer, a lot of time reflecting on that scripture a lot of time. You know, trying to avoid thinking about and just letting my mind be consumed with dating and guys, which is thing, I think, because it’s so easy to just, you know, wherever you are, especially in New York City, you’re surrounded by people all the time, and you can constantly be you know, you walk onto a subway and there’s a new group of people that you’ve never met, and there could potentially be that temptation to say, the love of your life could be sitting in this train car right now. So for me, yeah, like you said, you know, I don’t have a problem with just striking up conversations with with people. So it was definitely a switch of like, you know, you’re not you’re not pursuing that right now. That’s not what this time is about. And let’s focus on who wants to who you Do you want to be in a relationship with and what you need to be to be the correct partner for that person, because the person that I was looking for is definitely a man of God and definitely a man who, who puts church in his ministries ahead of, you know, going out and drinking and you know, that kind of thing. And just, you know, somebody with their priorities, right. So I think practically, I guess, the shift in your mind decided to work on practical things in your own character. For me, like priorities and, and purity for sure. A big one, which I think you know, just the, the whole process of clearing your mind and not pursuing and lusting after guys and trying to, you know, just it can be very consuming. So just like purification period of not thinking about dating and not thinking about intimacy, and that kind of thing. So, yeah, yep, yep, yep. Yep. Yep.
25:51
Okay, so I’m sorry, taking those. I’m really love that. So I did cut you off, though. I think you were kind of moving into what happened then after meeting psi. And what was kind of the next step for you guys?
26:03
Sure. Yeah. So I met psi at a church event at a bar in New York City. And they’re talking all night and starting to date quickly after, and we decided really early on in our relationship, actually, I brought it up, and he wasn’t fully on board. But we decided early on in our relationship, that we were going to save sex until marriage, and he was really, he was hesitant when he heard that I think he wasn’t expecting it. And, you know, he had come from, he was in a similar place in his life, you know, where he had been single for a long time, and, you know, wanted to find a Christian girl, but was trying not to really think about it was trying to kind of put dating out of his mind, he was just kind of over it when we met. But, you know, I did kind of make that pronouncement early on in our, in our dating life, that I wanted to wait to have sex until I was married. And I strongly believe that the Holy Spirit really just changed his heart around that. And he came to feel the same way. After, after a month or so. And, and I was really grateful that that, you know, had potential to turn to a big fight, and maybe even be, you know, to be a deciding factor in whether or not you’d be able to continue dating, but But yeah, so we continued on in our dating journey, as you know, trying to be as pure as possible, and to really honor God with our bodies and honor God with the way that we went about dating, deciding, you know, really clear boundaries of what we felt was okay, and what we didn’t want to do, and we, you know, sex definitely being off the table, oral sex, all that definitely off the table. And, and, and, yeah, so we dated for about a year and a half, and got married last October.
27:51
Hmm. So I do want to point out something that, just because I know the rest of the story, sorry. But But you did say you had the potential, you know, to be kind of a right, like a Yeah, was a deciding fat deal
28:07
breaker. Yeah, that was definitely one of the deal breakers, I’m pretty sure on my list of things that I needed to have. And I’m really glad that I put my foot down. And that and I, I see a lot of relationships that drag on for a long time before, you know, people dating 6789 10 years and living together and, you know, they’re happy. But I do feel that, you know, marriage does change something, and especially being a girlfriend for that long can can be so hard, and you want that validation, and you want that commitment, and you want that, you know, feeling that we’re really in this together, and nobody’s walking away. And I feel like it’s a really slippery slope. You know, I could have said, you know, I really admire this man, and I really want to keep him. So maybe I should just give a little bit on this one area. And, you know, I think it just has the potential to become that, you know, slippery slope of, well, we’re happy and everybody’s getting what they want. And so Why Does anything need to change? Why do we have to get married? Like, what’s, what is what difference does that make if we, you know, we both love God, and we’re both having our needs met, you know, when differences that make so I’m definitely glad that that’s not not the path that that our relationship went down. And just so grateful, because you know, that whole year and a half of, of not having sex and I guess for many men out there that seems like an eternity to have to really train and discipline your mind and I was just I was so impressed by Psy and his self control is one of the things that I admired from him from the very early on in our relationship that he just has an incredible amount of self control and something that I really admire and that we really got to help kind of teach each other through that time and, you know, get it gave us this kind of, I guess common, you know, it was a bond that we had that we know, we’re both working towards this and decided to be pure and decided to do our marriage this way. And we had a lot of conversations about it. You know, sex wasn’t like just something that we didn’t talk about or think about, we definitely, we talked about it. And we talked about what we wanted it to be like in our marriage. And we talked about, even with our single friends and our dating friends who weren’t Christian and explaining to them why we decided to make this decision together and why we felt so strongly about it, and why, you know why we were committed to living in a pure, a pure dating relationship. And it gave us a lot of opportunities to talk about to talk about our faith, and that’s something that I loved. And, you know, we would kind of look to our married days and say, you know, we hope that our marriage is going to be this, you know, will be a testimony to what a marriage can be if you go about dating the way that God asks us to, and to really honor sex and keep it holy for marriage. And yeah, so now we’re in the married phase. So I’m excited. And yeah,
31:07
yes. Okay. Well, before we get to that part, I do want to just point out, like you said, the bravery, it really took for you to put your foot down. And I do remember, there was a guy that was kind of before side that, you know, was a potential, and you put your foot down, and he went away. And you know what, by God’s grace, because he was not the right man for you. And so I kind of want to just encourage any woman that’s listening is that it’s very possible, your your fears might be absolutely correct. But God has, it’s almost like you had to kind of pass that test so that you had the fortitude to continue on a year and a half into dating the man that you love, and you want to get married with and that you even get engaged to, um, you already had those muscles kind of strengthened in that, you know, earlier, like, well, he’s obviously not the one.
31:54
Exactly, exactly. That’s for sure.
31:57
You know, and the other thing that I noticed, and you know, a lot of my listeners, if you’ve heard my story before, I was sleeping with my husband before we got married. And, you know, what I noticed it did for me was an he wasn’t a Christian, and I was away from the Lord. And that was kind of, but what it did for me prior to marriage was it, it really was a barrier between me and God, I was not able to connect with the Holy Spirit or go to church with a clear conscience, like I just couldn’t. But it was almost like a switch flipped. Once we were married, like I was able to really dig in really repent, because I knew it deeply in my heart. There wasn’t this, like, underlying conviction that I was just ignoring. And so I just encourage, you know, the, the true depth of, you know, import that honoring sex is the other thing. And I wonder, you know, you and I’ve talked about it before, but what does it mean for you, as a woman who’s married to a man that waited for you? Like, you know, like, what does that mean to you?
32:59
Yeah, I mean, it definitely shows me that he had is strong and has a lot of self control, and that I really don’t ever feel fear that he’s gonna stray outside of our marriage, or that he’s, you know, if we, you know, God forbid, you know, had to go months without having sex, you know, for some reason that he wouldn’t be strong enough to do it, and that he wouldn’t be, you know, just as committed, you know, that day as he was, you know, a year and a half into our, into our relationship without having had sex. So I think it does, it’s definitely strengthened my competence in both of us and our ability to be faithful to one another, which is, I think, something that’s kind of hard with how, you know, kind of society tells us that, you know, marriage doesn’t really work, and we aren’t meant to just be monogamous. And in, you know, people need to be free to express themselves, that kind of thing, but it’s been really affirming to know that we, nope, we made our decision. And we made vows to one another and we already proved it out. You know, we proved that we proved it out in our dating phase that we were going to be faithful to one another and cherish each other and respect each other’s bodies and honor God with them. And and we’re gonna continue to do that throughout our marriage. So,
34:19
so good, I guess my last question to this first part of our interview and definitely listener tune into the second part because Keller talks about you know, what happened after marriage? It I’m excited to dig into that more but, you know, what would be you know, someone maybe that’s, that’s listening that desires, marriage or desires, maybe to get their, their their relationship. Maybe they’ve got a committed relationship. Maybe they want it to turn into a marriage, a lifelong covenant. I mean, what’s maybe a last some pieces of advice that you’d like to give her?
34:50
Yeah, I would say if you are in a long term relationship, where sex is a part of the relationship and you’re hoping that It will turn into a marriage, and you’ve kind of been dating for a long time, I would say, after prayer, to definitely bring this to God, what’s on your heart, and to have a very honest conversation with your partner about what you want for your future. And I would also say, you know, as hard as it seems, if it’s, I would say, to raise the raise the idea of deciding to moving forward in your relationship to be pure in your relationship, and to take sex off the table. And as difficult as that is, I have seen it in other marriages, and I have seen it, and other relationships, you know, turn into marriage afterwards. And I think, you know, by talking about it, and, you know, explaining why it’s so important to you, and especially if you are both on the same page with your faith, why you feel that, you know, making this step towards what God wants for your relationship can improve and just be so much more beneficial to you, down the road, I think is very, very important. So that would be my advice. I think that it holds a lot of people back and holds a lot of relationships back from taking that final step towards marriage. And and I guess if if that doesn’t feel like something that you could do, I’d say, talk to a pastor or a counselor about it and how to approach this situation.
36:20
Yeah, so that’s great advice. Yeah. And it’s funny, you know, because I, you know, me, I like to listen to business books, and these kinds of things. I was interested recently, I read something about millionaires. And something like 97%, something like crazy high 97 98%, something like that, of Self Made Millionaires have been married for decades, their 3040 year marriages that have supported them in their goal of financial success. And obviously, you know, I’m not saying that we all need to be millionaires. That’s not the point here. The point is that they were able to accomplish something, astronomical things that that many, many, many, many people are striving for. And yet marriage was the key was a huge, huge factor. And there’s almost like nothing else that unifies this group of people quite as much as that. And I just think, like, even like, what did they do? Like, there’s maybe 50%, or business owners, the other 50%, or like, CEO, they’re 40, you know, 30, it breaks down from there, whatever. But the point is that if you think about, you know, whether whatever side of marriage you are, whether you’re a husband or wife, marriage provides an opportunity, and we talk about this so much, but it provides that growth that that, that focus the things so it’s not, it does, yes, commitment does cut off your other options. Yes, it does. That’s an obvious given. But if you don’t do that commitment, your life is just less effective, you’re just not able to do so much. Because you don’t have those ironclad commitments in your life. commitment to a faith is vital commitment to a marriage partner, I believe is vital. If that’s something that you desire in your heart, I believe that lifelong commitment is vital for you to fulfill what God wants you to fulfill. So I guess that would be my final encouragement to a husband, you know, a potential husband or potential wife that might be listening or, or maybe someone that’s got kids that they want to, you know, give this this episode two. But, you know, marriage is something that God uses, and I think he really can, and I think it stretches us and and causes us to have greater character in that way, specifically. Okay. So let me wrap up this episode. So come back and listen to the next episode. Next week on Tuesday. Thanks so much for joining us. I’m so glad Keller was willing to give her story and the next half is just as good. She talks about how saving sex for marriage was a great choice, but also came with some challenges. So she talks about how they worked through that and what sex actually ended up being. After some, some difficulties. So I think it’s a it’s a, it’s a story that needs to be shared. And something that’s going to be really important. Whether you’ve been married a long time, or not very long at all are looking forward to marriage. I think Keller has got some really good insights. Also, once again, do tune in to next week if you are a veteran spouse because I think again, Keller just infuses with some new fresh vision, fresh energy and excitement for the journey ahead so you won’t want to miss it.
39:37
Thanks for joining. If you’ve been inspired by this show, would you help spread the word. If you take a moment to review and subscribe others can find us more easily. Find out how to delight your marriage.com forward slash iTunes. Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion