Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Though I’m mostly talking about purifying your mind regarding sexual thoughts, this is what I would prescribe anyone battling challenging thoughts. I think we don’t talk about purifying our mind enough, especially in regards to sex. I think it may be because of embarrassment or because we think it’s not necessary to address–head on.

Well, this episode, I do. I address exactly what I wish someone had sat me down and explained me  when I struggling so severely with my sexual thoughts. I give you the why, the how and the science behind changing your thought-life towards what God desires.

Scripture/Quote:

  • “Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden” – C.S. Lewis
  • 1 Cor 10:13
    • No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.
  • Romans 5:3 & 4
    • Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.
  • “He who has a why to live can bear with almost any how” – Nietzche
  • “We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons.” – Jim Rohn

Resources:

Purity Meditation: Sign up and I will send you a recording of me reading scripture with some mellow, relaxing music.

Listen to the scripture and meditate on it. You are a child of God. You are washed clean. He has forgiven you. You are loved by God. Sign up & receive the download in your inbox.

  • YouVersion – The Bible app that I use to read the bible every morning. I really like the highlighting feature so I can highlight verses I want to go back to later. Or I highlight in a different color verses I want to memorize.
  • Essentialism – The book I’ve listened to 2x already and plan to listen to again. An incredibly relevant read in our world of distraction. Helps us understand God’s will for our lives (written by a Christian, but for a secular audience). I cannot recommend it highly enough.
    • Listen to this life changing episode of the author talking about the disciplined pursuit of God’s will. It brought me to tears the first time I heard it. The kind of tears and reminds you, this is what life is about.
  • After You Believe – The book I listened to (mostly) that talks about our character as a means to determine our vocation in eternity; showing why our character matters to God.

For Transcript (see below)

Thanks for listening! I hope you are encouraged to live in wholehearted intimacy!

Love,

Belah

—

Episodes come out Tuesday mornings. But, in case you forget…I love to subscribe with my phone so I never miss an episode. You can too:

iPhone: Podcast App is on updated iPhones. Open DYM & subscribe! Android: Download Podbay.fm App. Open DYM & subscribe!

If you enjoyed this episode, would you add your review to iTunes (via your phone or computer)? It will encourage me & it will help others find the podcast easier. Find out how at delightyourmarriage.com/itunes Thank you!

Transcript: (basically)

  • The most important thing
    • encouragement to dig in and work on this
  • why we struggle with sexual thoughts
    • why does it matter?
      • Story – husband doesn’t connect with God
      • if we don’t get an understanding this it may keep us from God
    • “Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden”
      • – C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain
    • why our past matters #dym
      • We are shaped by our past but not defined by it
        • “Jesus changes everything”
        • This idea is dangerous for some bc they expect to be healed, get rich, or have a their wrest dreams come true
        • He does and doesn’t
        • But doubting has given me the grace to see my faith as something I’m building, day by day…Enduring
      • And so the choices you’ve made don’t get erased from your memory
        • Your sin and shame do but the choices shape your path
        • If porn is in your past, your future involves a battle against those thoughts
        • there are beautiful scriptures that clarify God’s promises in helping you, like:
          • No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. 1 Cor 10:13
      • by His immense grace, our past matters to our future
      • again, we are not defined by it
        • our worth, our potential, our meaning, our purpose is not defined by our past
      • but we are shaped by it
        • had I not been witness to my parents horrific divorce
        • had I not endured a horrible marriage and my own divorce
        • had I not sinned in many, many ways especially sexually, I would have nothing to talk to you about
      • my past has shaped me, but it does not and will not define me, or my value to Jesus
        • because what defines me is my connection to God and His work of redemption
      • my past makes me run towards Jesus; reminds me daily how much I need him
        • Paul remembered his sin
          • he said he was the worst of all sinners
  • how we should think about suffering
    • Suffering isn’t popular in our culture
      • and suffering is not something our culture is comfortable talking about or dealing with
      • I believe it is a mistake for us to ignore or try to distract ourselves away from our suffering
        • because once we recognize we’re suffering
          • we are given an arsenal full of ways to handle it
          • but if we deny that what we’re dealing with is a level of suffering, then we don’t have those options
      • for example,
        • when someone acknowledges the suffering of their health
          • they then can start to look for solutions; go to doctors; research; determine what’s next
        • but if never acknowledge your suffering, you can’t get through it or even learn how to manage well
      • Now if you know me at all, you know I’m not a very negative person
        • I actually am a quite positive, it’s one of my strengths actually
        • but what if suffering was not as negative as we thought
          • what if its very important
    • 1 – we have to acknowledge it; we have to face our suffering
      • There is a part of suffering that shapes us, if we face it
        • it allows us to become more aware of our need for Him
        • Jesus was no stranger to suffering
        • it allows us to partake of His suffering
    • 2 – we have to see our suffering as important; it has a purpose for God
      • yes, it’s painful
        • so is going to the gym
        • it is suffering in the moment
          • but that suffering reaps a better harvest
            • its an investment; it matters to the future
        • Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. Romans 5:3 & 4
    • I do believe in the tranformative power of prayer
      • I believe that is part of our life with God
      • communing with Him, getting to know Him, and there’s lots in the Bible about physical healing and Jesus & the apostles taking people out of their suffering
        • but there is also Jesus
          • who took the cup God has poured for Him and suffered to do God’s assignment in His life
        • but also Paul was in prison
          • and Paul even had a thorn in his side
            • we don’t know what that was, but he asked God to take it away
  • how we should suffer
    • 1 – acknowledge the suffering
    • 2 – make changes according to that suffering
      • suffer = discipline
      • Big Disciplines
        • determine what God’s will is for you
        • get your life prioritized
        • do you want to get to the end and realize you were so distracted you never took the time to ask the question that mattered?
        • use the regret thing again, lets say you did it wrong…now you can go back and do it right
        • even Nietzche says “he who has a why to live can bear with almost any how”
        • …
        • Here’s how I have found God’s will
          • I used to not understand
          • 1- I worked to start learning about God’s gifts in me
          • 2- I looked at what He’s already blessed in my life
          • 3- I visualize my funeral and consider what would matter to me if those things were spoken
            • that’s actually how I came up with Wisdom, Love, Passion
            • that’s the 3 words I want on my tombstone
          • 4- I listened to what broke my heart int his world
          • 5- pursued a lot of things I thought was God’s direction
            • I took risks
            • and they were scary, but they were the right things
          • fyi this is not the steps to find the right job
            • I used to think those were one and the same
            • and they are for some people
              • but Paul talks about, if you’re stealing from others, stop…do something useful with your hands and make money so you can help others
              • he talks about it like it’s totally aside from your ministry
        • I’ve got a link to a show I’d love for you to listen to that helps me follow my
        • 3-determine your God-work
          • example of Kimberly
        • I mention this because I struggled for a long time thinking, like our society, that something isn’t valuable unless there is a money label attached to it. ie my work isn’t good enough if someone won’t pay me for it, or unless it costs money, it’s not worth desiring (that’s how we treat the earth isn’t it?)
        • But, remember Jesus talked more about money than any other thing. HE cares about how we think about money. This is some understanding that’s going to be important for my next point.
      • Small Disciplines
        • really practical
          • fill your mind with the right stuff
            • science
              • pathways
                • repetition
                • We can’t always resist or desires but we can change and reorder them based on our lives. Focus on your love of family etc above your desire to lust
                • focus on your purpose
                  • Focusing on your short and long-term health goals, makes it easier to quash cravings and resist temptations.
                  • In a study pages by a journal Proceedings of the national academy of sciences shows participants that focused on their goal while experiencing a craving showed activity in their
                  • Prefrontal cortex the rational, decision making side of their brain. When this area of the brain is activated it pulls the breaks on the reward system (the part of the brain that tells us to do things that feel good even if it’s not good for us). Because the two areas cannot due simultaneously. The result, decreased desire for the treat.
                  • This response is rather like a muscle.
                • ask yourself questions
                  • carry a journal with you & make yourself answer those questions
                • carry a book with you
                • have scriptures in your wallet
                • divert your eyes
                • get really curious about God’s creation
                  • watch nature shows
                  • pursue the God-calling He has for you
                • talking out loud to interrupt your thoughts
                • listening to affirmations give a free audio away to listen to the scripture affirmations #dym
                  • delightyourmarriage.com/thoughts
        • protect your mind
        • Why no one talks about sexual thoughts in the church?
          • I used to think no one talked about sexual thoughts because I was the only one struggling that may be partly true,
          • then I thought it was because everyone else is embarrassed and that may be partly true
          • but I think the most important is because the closer you get to Jesus the easier that struggle becomes
        • prayer and meditating on the Word
          • Story about Matt re Bible reading
            • I was at a talk not too long ago and a man, let’s call him Matt. He was a sharing his story. He had been in jail for a long time because he had almost killed his father with a hammer. They found out he was a sociopath bc he couldn’t feel thongs like empathy. He would have these violent urges. He was incredibly bright and hated Christianity with a vengance. Well, while he was in jail a man kept reading his Bible in his cell. Matt ostracized this man. He had debate after debate with this man. And the thing that bothered Matt so much was this Christian kept winning the debates. So, finally Matt decided to start reading the Bible, because he was sure if he know more, he’d be able to win the debates and defeat that Christian once and for all. Well, he ended up becoming a Christian. Now, he’s out of jail, married and has 4 children with an amazing woman. But he said he notices those violent urges and thoughts come back when he’s out of the word for a while.
          • what I do
            • I just work on memorizing one verse a day
        • redirect your thinking
          • So I’ve read a lot about redirecting your thoughts via meditation. And this had really helped me.
          • use a special motion to redirect
          • use a special trigger to redirect
          • be open with someone about the battle you’re experiencing
          • engage in safe activities
          • believe “no temptation has over taken you”
        • …
  • “We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons.” – Jim Rohn
  • my last piece of catalytic encouragement
    • we don’t know what eternity will be, but it very well may matter

 

 

Transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah rose.

0:19
Thanks so much for joining. I’m not sure why you clicked on this episode, if you specifically searched for how to purify your thoughts, or if you are a regular listener to the dy M podcast, and this is your normal Tuesday morning or afternoon ritual from now. So I’m not sure why you’re here. But I want you to know that if you are specifically looking for ways to purify your thoughts, maybe purify it from sexual thoughts, that’s kind of what we’re zeroing in on today. But maybe it’s purify your thoughts from worry from anxiety from stress, or fantasy, I mean, whatever it is, I think it can be applied. The reason I wanted to really focus in on sexual thoughts is because I think it’s not talked about enough. I don’t think there’s enough practical advice, especially Christian, godly advice on that. And then I think there’s just not enough practical application of it. So that’s what I’m going to try to give you today is really, to let you go away with a lot of just a huge garbage bag full of ideas and tools you can apply as soon as you need them. So that’s the plan, maybe not a garbage bag, I don’t know some big giant sack, whatever you want to visualize that as anyway, so let’s dive in and and talk about purifying your thoughts.

1:57
Now, I usually try to record these solo shows, way in advance of them actually posting. And I like to try to give myself many months of thought and consideration on topics prior to me, recording them. This time, I’m actually down to the wire I’ve gotten. I’m just not ahead like I like to be and the reason is not because I don’t know what to say it’s because I have way too many things to say so because you don’t want to sit through a three hour sermon series on how to purify your thoughts. That’s why I’ve tried to dumb it down as succinctly as possible and give you really actionable ideas. But first off, I think what we really need to talk about is the why. Because if we don’t understand why these things are happening, I don’t think we can respond to them in the way that God is asking us to respond to them. So the the question is, why do we struggle with sexual thoughts? And why does it matter? So why does it matter? I mean, first of all, I just want to start off with a story a wife was telling me about, she was talking to her husband, and she was just kind of came in conversation. So Honey, how is your relationship with God. And He was silent for a little while, he was a little hesitant to respond. And he basically described to her that he feels like he’s not very close with God. You know, he’s trying his best he’s going to church. And I know this man, he’s he’s an amazing person, who is a wonderful father and a wonderful husband. And, and, and really honorable in many, many ways. But when he confided in her was that he didn’t feel close to God because of his thought life. And because she knows some of the background, and was able to kind of figure out what he was talking about, and ask him if this is what he meant. And it was sexual thoughts. And that’s why I need to talk about this because this has been on my heart for a long time, not only from, you know, the story that I heard, but also from even over a year ago, I was inquiring on interviewing people about that and, and Reese more recently, I had a request from a listener about this topic. And so I just decided, you know, what I have, this has been my journey, I have had to struggle through my sexual thoughts and and get to a place of greater freedom now than I’ve ever been. And I think again, that that I just needed to bite the bullet and go ahead and do this. So the reason it matters is for that husband thinks that his own relationship with God is canceled out because of his thought life. And that’s why I can’t let this go on any longer. If you have struggled with sexual thoughts, the enemy is lying to you to tell you that while you’re not close with God, you’re not faithful to your wife, you’re not doing anything. The way that God is asking you to do them because you’re struggling with your thoughts and that is just not The case and that’s why it matters to talk about this. That’s why it matters to figure out the why our thought life is important. And so I want to just mention a quote, CS Lewis says mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain. But it’s more common, and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden. Does that make sense to you? Because when we’re physically pain in pain, you know, we can go to a doctor, we’ve broken our arm, it’s very obvious to anyone, we’ve got a cast on our arm, the pain is, is shared. But when you’re concealing pain, when you’re hiding it, it’s harder, it’s more difficult. So when we accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior, the most important decision you’ve ever made in your life, it’s the one that puts you on a path towards what God wants not only for this life of but for the next life. A question I’ve had in my own heart many times, I wonder if you’ve had it yourself? Is why in that moment, doesn’t he just take us right, then? You know, why do we have to continue to endure this life? If we’re destined for eternity? Why does it matter? Right? And there’s plenty of responses to that. You could say, Well, God has an assignment here, or there’s people you need to be impacting and all that, okay, well, then, if I need to still be here, and still work in this world, for some reason that God has for me, Why can’t he at least erase the sin? Erase the mistakes erase the memory of what I’ve gone through? Or what I’ve seen, or what I’ve done? Why can’t he at least do that? You know, we say Jesus changes everything. Why doesn’t he do that?

6:56
And I think sometimes, we as Christians, make the mistake of telling either new believers or people who might become believers sometime or whatever, the Jesus changes everything. And so that’s the reason to follow him. And the truth is, he does change everything. But he doesn’t take away like I said, the memories he doesn’t. Sometimes he takes people completely out of addictions. You know, I’ve just heard so many amazing stories, sometimes he does not. And sometimes it is a, a, a, like a daily discipline to not do the sinful acts that you want to do. Right? But what about thoughts? So the choices you’ve made don’t get erased from your memory and your sin and shame they get erased the the eternal effects of that sin are erased Jesus to pay the price for that. But if you’re anything like me, and many people that walk on this earth, most people in fact, they’ve had sexual sin. I might even say all I really don’t know, I’m not gonna judge everyone, but just about everyone has sexual sin in their past, whether it’s viewing pornography, whether it’s a full out addiction to pornography, and that was a lifestyle of yours for a long time, whether it was fill in the blank, you know what yours is, right? If that’s been in your past, I think there’s more than likely a battle that is going to continue in your thought life to to take those into the direction they should be and take them out of where they are tempted to go. Okay, first Corinthians 1013 says, and this is only one of many verses that give you so much hope in this area. So I don’t want to just be doom and gloom, but I want to just give you some reality. I am a very possibility thinker, I think about being positive and the hope that God gives us and He is the God of hope. It’s what it says over and over and over again, in the Bible. But if we don’t embrace the limitations and the boundaries He’s given us, that’s another so I think we have to embrace the hope, the hope of what God is giving us, right? But also embrace the boundaries. Okay, embrace where he says, Don’t go over there, you’re going to regret it. Because the truth is, you will, and there’s consequences to that. And I believe one of the biggest consequences to that is our thought life. So like I said, there are beautiful scriptures that clarify God’s promises and helping you for example, for inscriptions 1013 It says No temptation has overtaken you, except what is common to mankind, and God is faithful. He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. So, again, by his imminent grace is immense grace, our past matters to our future. We are not defined by it our worth our potential or meaning, our purpose, it is not defined by our past, how ever we are shaped by it. Had I not been a witness to my parents horrific divorce, had I not endured a horrible marriage and my own divorce had I not sinned in many ways, especially sexually, I would have nothing to talk to you about on this dy M Show. And God is using this show in this ministry to minister to so many people around the world that I’ve never met and will never meet. But he’s using it because of the past that I’ve had. So I want you to just realize whatever you’ve gone through whatever sin that God has forgiven you of recognize that there’s a purpose for you to walk the narrow road. Now, as funny. I don’t know if you’re familiar with that verse. But um, talks about the narrow is the the path and straight. I can’t remember that the verse exactly, but the, the, the reason I bring it up that that verse, basically, I’ve always known it as narrow that that the meaning of that section of the verses something like narrow is though is the way for the righteous or whatever. And, and it’s true that is but but the meaning of it behind it is more along the lines of hard or difficult is that path. And I think that’s a really great

11:42
I think it resonates with me quite a lot for me to realize that. It matters to God that we wrestled through these things that we struggle through them. Okay, because when my pass does it, it makes me run towards Jesus. It reminds me daily, how much I need him. If you’ve read any of the the New Testament, Paul, in a lot of his writings talks about his own sin, he talks about how he’s the worst of sinners. But it’s funny because Paul was saved from this life of he was Sol before that. And if you know his story, you know, he did a lot of really horrible things, even assisting and killing other Christians if not being the one to do it himself. But he at least would rest them and gather them all up. And and after he met Jesus, His name became Paul, did he continue sending? Did he become the worst of sinners? I don’t think so I think what ended up happening is his depth of understanding of what he had done became more and more real. So he was able to acknowledge God’s gift to him more and more deeply. Okay. So so my next part on here is how we should think about the difficulties in our life, we should think about suffering, is suffering is not popular in our culture. And the reason suffering, I want to be talking about it for just a moment, is because I believe just wrestling with sexual thoughts is a form of suffering. I don’t know how many other people struggle with that maybe everyone, maybe a handful, maybe people with your specific situation, your specific history, your specific, you know, personality, who knows. But I think it is a level of suffering. And I think that’s important to acknowledge, for a couple of reasons. And I’ll go into those but first of all, sufferings not popular to talk about in our culture. And I think it’s a mistake. If we are going through suffering, for us to distract ourselves away from it and say, Oh, we’re, you know, we’re fine. Where, you know, it’s not that big of a deal. Everyone deals with this, blah, blah, blah, I don’t think so. I think it’s a suffering. Because, for example, sexual sins, it distracts you from what your focus needs to be it also makes you the enemy lies to you saying like, well, you just thought XY and Z yesterday or just a moment ago, how in the world are you going to tell your wife you love her when you were just thinking about that thing? Or how in the world are you going to be going to church and kneeling before God when you’re struggling with these thoughts, you can’t do what he wants you to do. You don’t you don’t measure up now if that’s stuff that has gone through your head in your heart, that is a suffering, I want you to call it that the reason is, is because if you don’t recognize this battle, right, that you are fighting this and in in in a way I would call it that suffering because we can look at Jesus and see that he suffered. And when I realized that I am suffering, I can say okay, you know what? God suffered on the cross For me, he suffered in every way that I’m suffering. He suffered every temptation that I suffered, and yet he did not sin. How did he respond to these things, we can look at Paul and say that he suffered he, he was a servant to Christ, but he suffered for Christ. He went to jail, he ended up being killed because I believe Paul was killed because of being a Christian, I have to double check that, but I’m pretty sure. The reason I say that is because he knew how to suffer and he knew how to suffer in a way that made God smile that pleased God, right. Because we go through this life, there’s a purpose for it, there was a purpose for our suffering, there is a purpose for our suffering. Again, Paul, in Philippians, he was in jail, he might have just been flogged, and he says, In Philippians, four, I believe, he says,

15:48
and I will rejoice again, I say, rejoice. He tells us to rejoice in the midst of our suffering, okay. Like I said, if you don’t recognize that sexual thoughts, and battling and fighting it out, is a suffering, then you don’t have that. Almost like these all these tools at your disposal. You know, sometimes we have to say, Yeah, I’m suffering for Christ, because that makes us a face it. So I think there’s two things you need to do is, first of all, acknowledge it, and then face your suffering and allows you to become more like Jesus allows you to grow in character. But if you just say, oh, everyone goes through this, that’s not a big deal, or are trying to bat it away and just act like, No, I think it matters. And I think, you know, it matters. I think that’s why you’re listening to this because it matters. And it matters, your relationship with Jesus. Okay. So now the second piece of this is to recognize God’s purpose in that. So I said, acknowledge it is number one, number two is recognize God’s purpose in that. So there are changes that need to be made in your life, if you recognize suffering, I’m going to give you an example of health again, because that’s been something I’ve really been suffering with. And that’s something that is really shaped the way I’m looking at life nowadays. But when you find out you are, you don’t have a condition. And let’s say you have been, again, batting away for a long time, and you’re just like, No, it’s not a big deal. It’s not a big deal. And finally, it’s to a level that you’re like, I can’t ignore this anymore, you go and get checked out and find out you have a health condition. So the first thing is acknowledging it, you find out what you have. Number two is making changes, according to that suffering. Okay, so the first thing that I think you need to do, and I want to say something about the Word suffer, right? There, if you think about if you think about the way you grew up, those of us that came from a healthy home, or all of us have different things in our in our were, the way we were raised that we wish would have been different, okay, everyone’s got that baggage, right, but, but if you came from a home that taught you things in life that were helpful, you suffered, right, because as parents, as good parents, they had to give you boundaries, they had to say, there’s this way, and this way, it basically put a fence around what you’re supposed to do, right, you, you, you’re not allowed to touch the stove, it’s gonna burn you. But the child doesn’t necessarily understand that. So they had to suffer to learn that the stove was going to burn them, either they suffered by experiencing it, hopefully, the parent did not let that happen. And the parent allowed them to suffer, not being able to touch the stove, because the parent knew it was going to happen. So another way of saying that is discipline, we discipline our kids, because we love them, we want them to learn the way of the world that the stove is going to be hot. So you get a little smack on your bottom if you’re trying to touch the stove, because it’s better than actually touching the stove and getting burned. So God is the same way. I believe that our suffering is a way that He disciplines us. He teaches us what matters in life. In fact, we’re able to strip away the other things again, if thinking about a health condition, right? You have to make changes so that your health will improve, okay, you have to make big changes in your life. And God is giving you the grace to understand that because who knows what the reason is, who knows what he’s trying to do in your life. But if you don’t allow yourself to be disciplined, if you say no, no, no, you know, that must be I must be fill in the blank. You know what I’m talking about when you try to ignore God’s discipline? When we try to go around it and say No, the Bible doesn’t really say that or Oh, no, that that person must be a little whatever. Let the Holy Spirit convict you. I’m not gonna convict you on that you you’ll figure that out for yourself but but listen to the reason God allows us to be disciplined in our life allows us to suffer is because he wants to change. So here’s the practical piece. Right? That was a lot of kind of the foundational just getting you understanding why, why sexual thoughts is something that is in your life, God wants to change you, he wants you to become more like the way he wants you to become. So um it’s funny, because for a long time, probably years, I had wondered why in the world do preachers not talk about sexual thoughts? Why don’t they talk about what everyone is struggling with in the pulpit. And

20:26
so I came to a couple of conclusions. One, I thought I was probably the only one I was the only one that had that secret sin of pornography, addiction when I was young. Maybe I was the only one that struggled with that. And then as I as I grew up and kind of got out of the by God’s grace, I got out of pornography addiction, you can actually go back to a previous episode where we talk about porn addiction for women, and it’ll give you a lot of insight. But um, anyway, you can go back and search on the dym website, delight your marriage.com. And you can search for women battling sexual addiction, I think is the title. Okay, so the anyway, um, so that’s what I thought I thought that people either didn’t struggle with it. And as I got older, I decided, well, it’s that they, they’re just embarrassed to talk about it. And I think now I’m to the place that I really don’t know if everyone struggles with it or not, I’m assuming you at least have some experience with it, because you’re listening to this, this podcast. But if you don’t, you know, thank God for that. I assume most people do, if not everyone, to at least a degree. But the the other thing that I’ve recognized now in almost like this later stage of understanding this battle, is that the things that you learn in the Bible, the things that you learn through church, and, and through those different disciplines prayer, your thought life becomes purified slowly. But it does. And so I think it’s very interesting, because, again, I used to think that they’re just avoiding the topic. They’re just embarrassed to talk about it. But I think now I’m getting to the place of, maybe there’s a level of that. But maybe it’s also that these things that they do teach the disciplines they do encourage, are going to get you to that pure thought life. So let me again, let me talk about this practically. So I think what you need to do, the big discipline that God is asking you to do, I believe that if you’re suffering in this way, this is the biggest thing is to find out what God’s will is for your life. To find out why you are here again, that why question why? Even Nietzche philosopher, he says, He who has a why to live, can bear with almost any how. And I think the why is important, because as we start to talk about a little more, you know, the smaller disciplines, this big discipline is to figure out what God is doing in your life, what he wants to do through you. And I’m not just I’m not saying that you need to go start a podcast, I’m not saying that’s your, your why or whatever. I’m not saying also that you need to go become a pastor or do ministry work necessarily. That might be it, who knows, I don’t know what your journey is, and what God’s asking you to do in this life. But I do believe that he does have a will for us. And I believe that there is a part of our life that he has wants us to delegate for work for his work purposes. So this is what I’ve kind of figured out my process of figuring out God’s will for me. It’s, it has been quite a long process, I’m still learning it. But I am more confident in the way I see God’s will for me than I ever have in my life. And so

23:54
I don’t say that with I’m more of a I’m more of a skeptic in that I don’t just say things about spiritual stuff that I don’t mean, I mean, I have in the past, I feel like I’ve made mistakes doing that in the past. And I think now I’m to the place of saying, I’m not going to say God told me anything. Or I try not to because I’m not really sure but I’m I’m to the point right now of understanding God’s will for my life that I can almost say, I’m confident that this is God’s will for my life. And that was something I actually spent a lot of time talking to mentors and asking people about what that could be and just learning through so this is this was my process, right? I’ll just kind of give you a little bit of a process just to understand how I worked through it. Maybe your journey will look somewhat similar. I don’t know but what I did is I started learning about God’s gifts in me the things that he’s grown me to do and and strengthened in me and so I talked a little bit about this before but if you haven’t done this test, it’s called strength finder dot I don’t think it’s shrink down. And I’ll put it in the show notes about strength strength finder, 2.0. So little $15 book, but it it actually has this test that you go through. And you can figure out your strengths. But that’s a really brilliant resource to find that out, but the you know, the other thing a different personality tests to help and you know, we’ve talked about a lot of them on the show before, but really understand what God has put in you who you are, also understand what he has done in your life. Again, I went through my history a little bit, and that has brought me to where I am now, understanding the family of origin, he placed me in the particular ethnic variety, I am the particular friends I’ve had that particular community, he’s placed me in that particular century, he’s placed me within I mean, what kind of undertaking it all holistic, but understanding those things. The third thing, I think, to think about is what hurt like what bothers you the most what, what things like you really can’t stand when you see something happening, whether it’s a friend going through a hard time, whether it’s homeless people, whether it’s people in third world nations, whether it’s the the earth, and cherishing our creation that God has given us, whatever, you know, really is deep in your heart that God has given you. And those passions grow as you begin to pursue them. But that’s the thing, you’ve got to pick some, and you got to start pursuing them. Because it’s only when you start pursuing them, do you get a chance to see what God is pruning, and what God is blessing. But if you don’t start pursuing those gifts, those passions, those things that you feel that God wants you to do, you won’t get a chance to actually prune. Does that make sense? Like pruning means, you know, if you have a tree, I’m not a farmer. So I, I’m mostly going off of what I’ve heard other people say, describe it as, but if you’ve got to, you first have to plant the tree, right, the tree grows, and then there’s branches all over the place, right? So then the, the wise farmer cuts away some of the branches so that the energy that was expended on those branches, goes back into the tree and makes it stronger in the ways that it should be growing. So that’s what God does, as he prunes us, He makes us stronger in the ways we should be growing. Okay, so then, again, that’s kind of the process is is, is all of that alongside just a consistent asking God, what His will is, and, and desiring for him to lead me and guide me in the ways he wants me to go. The other thing I do is, I do listen to a lot of books on tape, or an audio book, I’ve told you that before, but two books in my life are very, very good for this area of figuring out what God’s will is, I believe, both of them are secular, but

28:02
but both of them have wonderful, spiritual, godly principles within them. So the first one is Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. I read that many years ago, but since I read that I actually, there’s a part of it, where it asks you to visualize your own funeral. And to me, that’s helpful. Because if you think about the, it goes through this very clearly. So you can pick up the book and go through this, but it goes through, you know, think about your spouse up there, what would you want them to say? Think about someone from church, what would you want them to say someone from your work? What would you want them to say for your child? Or someone that you’ve poured into? Who What would you want them to say? And, and then, I can’t remember if this is included in the book or not. But I would add to that, obviously, like, I, what I visualize quite a lot, and I try to write this out, at least every year, is when I visualize my meeting Jesus, and what would I want him to say of my life? What would I want him to say of this season, in my life of that particular season I’m in. And so that that is vital to me to have that that vision of, of what what matters what’s important, because like I said, this suffering of sexual thoughts, when you have a why you can bear with almost any how. Okay, so the second book I want to really recommend is a book, and this is by a Christian, but I didn’t know it. I’ve read his book twice. Because it’s so so phenomenal in our, in our distraction obsessed culture, where we’re flitting from one thing to the next and we’re moving from one thing to the next as quickly as as you can, as quickly as you can scroll on your phone, you’re you’re totally transferring your thoughts all over the place and someone calls you and texts you and and then someone says hello on the street. You just I mean, it’s a constant barrage of stuff. How do you focus? How do you figure out what really really matters. So that’s what this book is called essentialism. And like I said, this, this gentleman is a Christian and I have a podcast, I’m going to link to the show notes. But I really, if you don’t do anything from this conversation, I really hope that you will listen to that podcast because it’s brilliant. I’ve listened to it a few times this this interview with this man, but he really talks about, you know, essentialism, the book, The tagline is the undisciplined? Well, I can’t remember the tagline is it’s it’s going from the undisciplined pursuit of more to the disciplined pursuit of less. And then he goes on in this podcast, again, where he really allows us to see into his faith life, which the book does not go into. But in this podcast, he talks about, it’s really the disciplined pursuit of God’s will. And so it’s stripping away the things that don’t matter. And putting in or, or focusing, I would say, more like focusing in on what really does matter, because however long you’ve lived in this life, there are certain things that you know, matter. And there are certain things you know, do not. And I think it’s a discipline pursuit, I truly think it’s a discipline, it’s a suffering, it’s a way that we have to strip away and say, that is not what’s most important here. That is not what’s most important here. And like I said, I have a vision, I have a vision statement, which is basically again, my description of what it will be like meeting Jesus at the end of it all. But then I also extrapolate that into that mission statement that’s a little bit more like, these particular roles in my my family, so or in the people that I love, like my husband, I want him to say this of me, my kids, I want them to say this with me. And the reason that’s helpful, not that I want you to be all morbid and imagine your funeral it the reason it’s helpful, is it, it puts things in perspective. It’s like if my house was a mess for most of the kids lives, but they knew I loved them. And they they saw me exhibit good character and all that. You know, house is a mess might not be the best example. But you understand what I mean? Like, ultimately, what matters? Did I have the most expensive clothes and the best makeup? Or? Or did I make someone feel loved? Did I show them the path towards Jesus, what really matters. And if you don’t understand that you can’t truly know how to or you won’t have the why to say I need to suffer this, I need to say that my thoughts are going to matter, okay. All that that’s the big discipline, figuring out your why and disciplining yourself towards that what I’ve done now, after listening to that podcast, that interview that I’m going to link

32:45
what I’ve done since then, is now every four or five months, something like that, I get quiet and and I pray through and just try to be reflective on what matters most of my life. And I really boil it down to the three main focuses in my life. And the thing that I’ve focused on right now, for the next few months are my main focus is my health, because that undermines everything else, if that goes away, that’s the most vital thing that I have to really, really focus on. The second thing obviously, will maybe obvious or not, but marriage and family and I have little goals for each of those what what really, I want to focus on for those, but it’s very limited, because I know that if I don’t really focus on my health thing, the rest is undermined. The third piece is the third piece is work. So that’s my you all know that I have a full time job and I do dy M on the side. But my work, it’s I’m pretty ambitious girl, I really like to goal set and all that stuff. But right now for these next this season of my life is not focused on being ambitious in those other areas. I’m not, you know, doing new products or new ideas for dy M, I’m really trying to hold off on those. I’ve got a lot of really good new ideas, but I want to hold off on those and really focus on just being consistent. Just what did I promise the audience? What am I going to deliver to the audience these and trying to follow God in that, but also not putting a whole lot of pressure on myself because I could be making mistakes. And I’m just going to go with what I what I think I know to do next. Okay. That’s enough of the big disciplines. I really hope that that’s, I gave you enough of a reason to do that. Let’s talk about the small, practical disciplines of how do you change your thoughts? Okay, so here’s one thing that’s really, really great is to understand the science of the brain a little bit. One thing about the brain is your brain basically makes pathways the way you think is basically the way you think. You can think about this when you have friends. And you just you kind of know how they’re gonna react to certain situations because you’ve seen them react to that before. And you know, we all intuitively know that we think a certain way. And it’s hard for us to change our thinking, but we can change it because what they’ve said that what they found in science is and this is helpful for you, if you’re struggling with thoughts, understand the science of the brain. It’s a huge field. There’s a little lot to it. But pathways, your brain makes pathways. And the way it’s almost like thinking about cars on a street, right? The bigger streets are, the more and more cars zip through there all the time, right? Those big big highways, there’s so many cars going through, but then you you start doing a new path, you start that dirt road, and then more cars start going through that dirt road and gets bigger and wider and more well worn. And pretty soon it’s going to get paved, and then there’s, you know, it just becomes a bigger, bigger place. So that’s what you have to do is start new pathways, new pathways of thought. And it’s going to have to start with you being intentional about your thoughts. Okay, we’re going to talk more and more about that in just a minute. But the other thing that scientifically really backs up what I was just talking about, with your goals and your life focus is that I think I have the notes here, I don’t see it pulling up, right. So I Oh, here it is, okay, so the prefrontal cortex is the rational decision making side of the brain, okay, when this area of the brain is activated, it pulls the brakes on the reward system, part of the brain that tells us to do the things that feel good. Okay. So when you are in the process of being tempted to do something that feels good, if you activate that prefrontal cortex, it will actually stop the rest of your brain that’s like, yes, let’s do the feel good. Option, right? Let’s even just even if it’s a fantasy, right, you know that God wants you to be faithful to your wife and your thoughts. That’s what God talks about. Jesus talks about when you’re even lusting after a woman, you’re having adultery with her. So he wants you to do this. So So think about your life purpose, what matters most, and that’ll even Scientifically speaking, pull the brakes on the other, the other piece of that, okay, so the other, here’s another practical one. Ask yourself questions. Right. I love the quote, someone brought on that podcast a while ago that says, We are the, the something like the now that I can’t think of it something like the Oh, the quality of our life is determined by the quality of our questions. I just love that. Because if you’re asking yourself negative questions, like, Oh, why is this so hard? Or why do I have to get to just these these negative things? I mean, maybe that’ll give you a positive answer. You never know. But, but I prefer questions that are like, for example, when I wake up with not a lot of energy, you know, there, I’m going to take that back. Because sometimes questions about why is helpful, because then you can start to get to the root of it and, and figure that out. Okay, but, but

37:39
when I don’t have enough energy, I’ll ask the question, how do I make myself more energetic right now? And then my mind starts giving me answers. So if you think about, you know, let’s say you’re tempted by a thought and and then suddenly come up with a question, you might even need to have some questions at your disposal that you’ve already thought about that you can start asking yourself like, I wonder what such and such whatever? Just some some questions, how can I be more a person of character right now? How can I be more faithful to God right now, those can be questions that will help you in those moments of potential temptation or your thought life is going away. The other thing I really love is just developing and this goes along with it. Just develop curiosity. Curiosity is vital. It’s so so helpful for you to develop a curious mind, because God has given us this amazing, amazing world. And there is nature everywhere that just, it can inspire you and give you so much. And if you develop curiosity, Curiosity is really an act of the will. Children are curious. Yes, that’s as we’re all naturally curious. So you have to just apply your will to it. I was walking down the street, I think it was yesterday, the day before. And there was this giant machine I had never seen before. And it was just full of so many different gears and this and that, and just things that just totally blew my mind. And I was just, I just sat there or stood there, uh, totally stopped where I was going and just watch looked at this machine to try to figure out what the heck does it do? What’s its purpose? How does it work? What So anyway, this this giant, crazy looking machine ends up it digs up the the asphalt and, and transfers it on a conveyor belt all the way up this big like, neck looking thing like a giraffe’s neck, you know, all the way up and then it dumps it into this other big machine and like I had never seen anything like that. But because I spent the time doing it. My mind just started thinking about all these new ideas that I had never known about and you can that’s what the gift of curiosity can give you develop that gift. The other one I just mentioned is get in nature I would say get in nature every single day. God made us to live in In a garden, that’s how Adam and Eve were created. Nature is vital for our spirits to grow. And and I’m not just saying get in your backyard. I mean, yes, that’s great. But get around new types of nature get around water and ocean and rivers and valleys and mountains like understand what God’s imminence is, I mean, get fresh insight. I mean, you can not like when you are so transfixed by God’s beauty that he’s created in the world sexual thoughts. I mean, they go by the wayside, if you have been a listener or have seen the delight your marriage website, you probably know that I don’t use images of people at all, just about ever, when I first started out, I made that change. But just about ever, I almost always do natural scenes. The reason is, is because it’s so easy for us to when we’re thinking about a topic, and then all of a sudden, we see a picture of someone we’re like, you know, easy for our mind to go put two and two together, right? I don’t want you to do that. Because sexual intimacy in marriage is holy and good. So don’t put two and two together with those images. Instead, think about the beauty and the righteousness and the holiness of a mountain range, or have a sunset or of the oceans, you know, crashing on the waves like, that is the holiness that God wants for your marriage for your sexual intimacy. So, um, so yes, so So anyway, that’s an aside. Another thing you can do is carry a book with you, I, my husband laughs laughs at me all the time. Because often I’ll have like two or three books with me, when I don’t even get a chance to read while we’re out. But just in case, sometimes there’s times that you’re waiting, sometimes you’re sitting there, you’re trying to enjoy the peace, somebody walks by with the most ridiculous thing on and you just, you know, it’s a temptation, right? So I just try to always have something that I that will provoke new thoughts, new ideas, something that’s, that’s different than than the pathway that, you know, the temptation that it wants to go in the wrong spot, right. The other thing is, if you carry around a cellphone, you have got scriptures in your pocket. I’ve got the the YouTube, what is it called, it’s called YouVersion. That’s it, I’ll have that on the I’ll have that app

42:16
on the show notes as well, but you version you can download, you can download the Bible on your phone. And the cool thing about it is I often have my phone in airplane mode, especially when I do my morning ritual, where I spend time with Jesus and go running and stuff. I always have my phone in airplane mode. And that helps me to not think about if someone gets is going to text me or call me or any of that. Another thing you can do is, you know, for emergencies, you could there’s different you could look all this up, but you could do Do Not Disturb settings. And anyway, um, it’s just worthwhile to get some of that distraction out of your head. But also use your phone as a tool, to to look up scripture. To read through scripture, I just love that. Another thing that is just a practical, you know, when people are walking down the street or your your, there’s joggers, or whatever, there’s a little way of talking about you called bounce your eyes. So if your eyes land on something, it shouldn’t just bounce it off to the next thing, almost if you think about like a ball bouncing from one area to the next bounce, the bounce the bounce, that’s what you want to do with your eyes. The other thing is talking out loud, let’s say you’re by yourself. And these thoughts just keep happening, I would say start talking out loud. Because when you start speaking, your thoughts get interrupted by your words. So you want to say things, affirmations that are godly, God oriented. But there could be all sorts of kinds of affirmations. Like, for example, let’s say you are having some lustful thoughts, some concerns and, and so you can say I am faithful to my wife, I am attracted to my husband, I love my kids, whatever, like it doesn’t even have to do, you don’t necessarily have to make it have anything to do with the thoughts that you’re struggling with. But just a spoken word will interrupt that. The other thing I want to give that’s very, very practical for you. And this is my free gift to you. I’ve spent some time and I have recorded in a calming soothing way. Some scriptures that I want you to meditate on because the word of God is living and active. That sort of says it says that it’s it’s effective. And it’s you know, now I can’t think of the scripture I was just trying to quote but you understand what I mean? It is powerful. So you need to reprogram your thought life to realize that with Jesus gift, you are holy, you are righteous, you are God’s child. And so these affirmations I like I said it’s a free thing. You can download it you can have it on your phone whenever, you know I would say you want to just listen to this maybe every day for a season, especially if you’re really struggling with this but just get it in your heart to realize that this is what God thinks of you. And if you love audio like I do, this is the the best thing for you to just download it, listen to it over and over and over again, to get that deep in your heart that this is what God thinks of you. Okay? You are not what the enemy is lying to you about, but really, as speak the affirmations over yourself, listen to the word. Okay?

45:21
The other thing, and I’m going to not talk about this too much, because we talk about it on next week’s episode, I actually have this wonderful couple, a Jewish couple who talk about how they guard their mind how they have certain things that make sure that they guard their mind. And I want to mention that, just a little advice about that, because obviously, Judaism is different than Christianity, but that’s our heritage. That’s the, that’s the, the culture that Jesus was born into, and that he was raised into. And that’s the culture that Paul is speaking about when he’s talking in the Bible. So it’s very helpful to understand their culture, I believe, for us to understand the Bible. But in addition to that, when we hear all these rules, and all these guidance, and all this stuff, we have to do realize that that’s not the way that we get to heaven. It’s not, but what it is, is, it’s a way to develop virtue, I think it’s a way to develop character that is going to matter in the next life. Okay. So here’s my kind of last encouragement to you. I really like this other quote, by Jim Rohn. And he says, We must all suffer from one of two panes, the pain of discipline, or the pain of regret, the difference is discipline weighs ounces, while regret weighs tons. So there’s this wonderful book, I’ve listened to parts of it, it’s called after you believe. And basically, I don’t know enough about heaven, to really know how to tell you what it’s going to be like, I like thinking about it. But I don’t really know one thing he really does is make the case that when we get to heaven, it’s not a place to go. Sing to Jesus all day long, though, that’s going to be part of it. But it really is about, or it could be part of it. It’s really about our next assignment, that it’s almost as though we were in this life at 90 years at the most. And we were preparing our character, ourselves, the inner spirit, our soul, whatever, however you want to say it, we are preparing that being to for eternity. So in eternity, it’s like God has a new assignment for us. And that’s a 1000s and 1000s of years, it’s a new heaven and new earth. And again, there’s so many verses that really, I heard it, you know, I listened to his side of the story, it seems so many verses to support that. And what I really try to think about when I think when I hear new ideas like that is it says in the Bible, you’ll know them by their fruit. And I think about that with thoughts too. I think about a thought like that, to think that what I’m doing now, the way I respond to the suffering I experience now is going to matter in eternity. When I think that it is mattering to Jesus, there’s a purpose, there’s a purpose to the suffering I am experiencing, it becomes much easier to experience it. So I want to leave you with that encouragement, is that if you dig in, and you do this work, this discipline, it is not easy. There’s too many verses in the Bible I wish I could go into I don’t have time. But there’s even verses that said, the suffering allows us to understand to almost like to empathize with our Lord and Savior, Jesus, suffering matters, and having the discipline beforehand. So you don’t again, either suffering for the pain of discipline or the pain of regret I want. I don’t know what heaven is going to be like, I don’t know what eternity is going to be like. But what if this moment, you can say, wow, it matters to God. Like I said, I’m not smart enough to understand that stuff. I haven’t researched it enough. I don’t know. But it could. And to me, that motivates me. So when again, the fruit, the fruit of that thought, for me is motivation. It’s inspiration. It makes me think, oh my goodness, what is God wanting me to do in this life? Because who knows what he wants to do in eternity? I have no idea but I’m gonna try my darndest to walk that narrow, hard road for a measly 80 years because I’m going to have an eternity, that counts that matters. I don’t know what it’s gonna be like, but maybe, maybe these little 8090 years of suffering, whatever it might have been.

49:49
It’s gonna make a difference. So I’ll leave you with that. I hope you have a lot to ponder and consider through this episode. But I do want to leave you a free gift. It’s called the purity meditation. I mentioned it, but I put it together. It’s basically just scripture. And then affirmations based on that scripture, all on this kind of beautiful, mellow music. And I just think that if you like audio, which I imagine you do, since you’re listening, this could be something that would really bless you, as you just allow the Word of God to resonate in your heart and your thoughts over and over and over again. Go to delight your marriage.com/ 104 to get that free download. Just a gift from me to you. I hope it’ll bless you. Alright, I’m praying for you and your marriage. I’ll talk to you on Tuesday.

50:57
Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion