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A show I wish I had listened to YEARS ago!

We all have ideas of what we’d like our husbands to do. But for many of us we have a very faulty tactic.

Instead of feeling cared for, romanced and cherished, we feel resentful, angry, and alone.

This is my story. How I started in marriage, what changed and what has happened. Now, who my husband has become is quite incredible.

 

Here’s the general flow of the show:

  • My Story: Beginning
  • My Story: Middle
    • why was I doing all this and he was just enjoying all my work…from the bedroom to the kitchen… it just didn’t seem fair
  • My Story: End
    • I have known for years that I need to respect my husband, but I never understood what it meant practically
    • then I read…
      • Surrendered Wife: I read this and highly recommend it. Fantastic insights on how to stop controlling & stressing, and how to enjoy romance in your marriage as a result!
      • I give the high-level overview, but you should really read it!
    • Here’s what has happened
    • Here’s what I’ve done, the specific changes I’ve made recently that has made all the difference
  • Final encouragement 

(scroll down for full – general – transcript)

Thanks for listening! I hope you are encouraged to live in wholehearted intimacy!

 

Love,

Belah

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Episodes come out Tuesday & Thursday mornings. But, in case you forget…I love to subscribe with my phone so I never miss an episode. You can too:

 

iPhone: Podcast App is on updated iPhones. Open DYM & subscribe! Android: Download Podbay.fm App. OpenDYM & subscribe!

 

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General Transcript

  • Main point: treat your husband the way you want him to become
  • Story
    • Beginning
      • Who I have been in marriage
        • nit-picking
        • controlling
        • the teacher
          • the one who knows better, the one who researches, the one who takes care of organizing, controls the details in and out
        • trying to be the social representation
          • I literally would get nervous if he’d say anything in public bc I wasn’t sure I could trust him
      • Who my husband was
        • waited for me
        • generally happy to do what I wanted him to do
        • let me make hard decisions
          • or I’d try my best to include him in them, but I’d be the one to bring it up
        • he didn’t trust himself in most things
          • the kids
          • the house
          • our finances
          • social settings
    • Middle
      • but there were too many times where I felt like I was doing way too much
      • and eventually my health made it so that I was very limited in how I could interact with the world
        • and he took care of me
        • and he took care of the kids
        • and he made sure we made it through
      • and then I got better to a degree and I started doing my normal, trying to do/control everything
      • so in the midst I’m doing DYM
        • and everything else
        • and loving what I’m learning but something wasn’t working in my marriage and I couldn’t figure out what it was
          • for a while I thought it was all about sex
          • and sex has been a really fantastic part of our connection
            • but there was something that I couldn’t understand
    • why was I doing all this and he was just enjoying all my work…from the bedroom to the kitchen… it just didn’t seem fair
      • there were times we’d have these disagreements and I’d feel it was completely unfair, then I’d hear a message about not comparing and I’d feel better for a little while; then a birthday would pop up and he’d forget, or an occasion and I’d have to take care of every little thing and I’d be just horribly exhausted
    • End
      • So, I’ve been going like this
        • while I’ve been doing DYM
        • DYM has always been about sharing and being taught
        • I share what I feel is on my heart that will help others, but I also seek to dive deeper into this thing called marriage
        • well, some interviews would give me a glimmer into something I wasn’t enjoying
          • and that would make me more resentful of the man I was living with
          • and then I’d remember to be proactive and do what I could do to make things different
        • then came Laura Doyle
          • and after her interview and I went out and read her book
          • and I started to apply some of the principles because she had something I wanted
          • but it didn’t really work
          • and I knew I needed more
            • so I invited her as a guest again
              • well this time, I realized I needed to read her first book, which basically gives the foundational tools to move forward
      • I have known for years that I need to respect my husband, but I never understood what it meant practically
        • this book is practical
          • what to say, what not to say; what to do and what not to do;
      • Here’s what has happened
        • as much as I agree with my guests having date-nights on a regular basis it wasn’t something we were doing regularly
          • we’ve had a date night just about every week for a while now; and I haven’t planned most of them
          • I let him know I’d like to go out and he calls around, finds a baby-sitter, figures out the budget and takes me on a date
        • romance has improved
          • we danced in the kitchen the other day after I suggested that I think that would be fun
        • I’ve had more time for myself
          • I’ve been able to enjoy time alone
          • when I’ve had a day and I needed to go on a walk by myself, he tells me to enjoy myself
          • when I go running in the mornings, he makes breakfast while I’m gone, things I’ve never asked him to do and he has it ready for me when I get home
        • he takes more ownership for our family
          • even right now, I’m doing this show and he suggested that he take the kids and go to target to get diapers, wipes and some other things we need (after he checked the budget he’s keeping to make sure it was there)
          • yesterday, I was working on this show and I finished and walked into the bathroom to find out my husband had cleaned the whole bathroom and even replaced the shower curtain
        • he shows more PDA
          • just a few months ago I remember dropping unbelievable hints about wanting him to touch me while we’re out
          • now: he puts his arm about me, grabs my hand, pulls me in for a kiss…oh just all the time
        • he is taking leadership in his walk with God
          • leadership meeting
          • he prays with the kids before they go to sleep and before our meals, things I wouldn’t have ever remembered to pray for
        • he’s become more attentive in the bedroom
          • we talk about sex all the time so I’ll leave at it that right now
        • and I’m at the beginning of this process
      • Here’s what I’ve done, the specific changes I’ve made recently that has made all the difference
        • most of this is straight from Laura Doyle’s book
        • I started telling him things about himself where I saw potential
          • I am saying what I see in him (even before he sees it in himself)
            • he’d do something small (like bring water so the boys would drink it) and I’d tell him that it reminds me of how he’s taking care of our family
            • he made me breakfast, and I made it the shape of a heart and made a post on Facebook of how romantic my man is
            • I just started willing myself to say what I believe he is (and what I want him to be)
          • I stopped doing things for him that a mother would do
            • stopped correcting him, teaching him, making him feel incapable
            • I started letting him take care of me
              • I let him start doing things on his own that I needed done and I didn’t want to do
              • I stopped taking over his projects
              • I stopped nitpicking his progress
          • I started completely encouraging him
            • you’re such a great man
            • wow I find you so sexy
            • what an amazing father you are
            • I feel so honored to be walking next to you
          • I stopped caring what people thought; I started caring what my husband thought
            • when I go to the playground to see my family, I first greet my family
              • I don’t even look anyone else in the eyes until I lay a big one on my hubby, and find out how he is
              • they are not my primary assignment, my husband is
            • I stopped wearing makeup because my husband thinks it’s sexy
            • I stopped caring so much about what I wear and getting much more of my thrills from what I wear JUST in front of my husband… and that is a LOT of fun
          • I started telling him how proud I am of him
          • I honored him to others; I agreed with others’ praise of him
          • I told him the things I liked but didn’t mind if they didn’t happen
            • and slowly it’s surprised me how frequently they happen and more!
          • I started saying “whatever you think” ALL THE TIME
          • I started saying “It’s up to you babe, I trust you”
          • I started encouraging his confidence
            • soccer league
          • I started saying “I can’t” and letting him decide what to do with whatever I can’t do
            • my son’s birthday party
        • Read the book
        • my last story: I have wanted my husband to lead our family spiritually forever and here’s what happened
          • he spoke up and everyone was touched and crying
            • he even mentioned me in a positive and beautiful way
    • last encouragement
      • I want you to know this was scary, and awkward and uncomfortable in the beginning
      • but it’s worth it to make these wise changes
        • and don’t tell him you’re making changes
        • at all
        • ti’s going to be hard for you but it’ll be worth it if you just wait a few months
        • tell all your worries, fears and concerns to a girlfriend who you’re reading the book with
      • and then get to the other side together
      • its not easy, but I don’t know any other way
      • and I believe God will honor you for these choices

 

 

Transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host belah Rose.

0:18
Welcome to the show. Thank you for clicking on this episode. If you’re anything like I have been, and I’m still learning through this title probably caught your eye, how to get him to do what you want. I feel like that’s the desire of so many women, we met this man that we got a crush on, he swept us off our feet took us on dates, all of this wonderful excitement butterflies in your stomach. We got married, and within a few short days, it seems that man was gone. And now we’ve got this. You know, I heard a woman on Facebook say something like this slug, my husband’s a slug. I’m the I’m the the hen that picks around and does everything but he’s just sitting around doing nothing. Well, this is the episode that I hope and pray will change your mind. Because I might have said things just like that. Just a few short months ago, things have dramatically changed, I’m going to tell you that story.

1:44
So I was married when I was very young. And I started with similar patterns that I had seen growing up, that led to a really horrific divorce of my parents. But I just, I didn’t know any better. So that’s exactly what I brought into my marriage. And it was a lot of nitpicking and controlling and trying to find faults and trying to get my significance from this other person that he wasn’t able to give because I wasn’t giving him what he needed. It was just this back and forth, horrific pattern that we had, which led to divorce. So after that marriage failure, I took a lot of stock, I learned a lot of things, I read a lot. And I started to make changes in the way I approached a relationship. And when I started dating my now husband, I tried not to control him when we were dating. You know, he was not a Christian. I was not walking with Jesus at the time. So I wanted to go to church after we had gotten serious, I really desired that he would come with me, I never controlled him or said he had to or tried to force him into it. I just said, I’m going to go to church, you’re welcome to join me. And sometimes he did. And sometimes he didn’t. And I never made repercussions for the times that he didn’t come. I just tried to love Him the way that he was. And it’s interesting after we’ve gotten married, I feel like our marriage has just been amazing. There’s so many things that God has done through it and what he’s taught me through it, and specifically about sexual intimacy. I talk about that all the time on the podcast. But that was something that was really important in our dating relationship, because like I said, I wasn’t walking with Jesus at the time, so we were having premarital sex. But once we got married, sex was so much better for both of us. I asked him about it, like sex just became a whole new level because of that growth that we had done together that commitment that tied us together. But one thing I think for me changed when I got married. And I think it changes for a lot of us is once we get married, we start to feel we are responsible for our spouse, we’re we’re almost like, now we’re a unit we’re one you know we’re to flesh became one. So now I can dig in and make him the kind of person I want him to become. And I understand that heart because that’s been my heart to help my husband become the man I want him to, you know that he needs to become for God. But I think the tactic is wrong. I think we think the way to get him and motivate him to become the person we want him to become is to control him is to teach him to nitpick the things he does. And I have been there I mean, even a few months ago, I was there making these mistakes, acting like I know better. I’m the one that researches I’m the one who is good at organizing. I’m the one who knows all the details and can schedule things and figure things out. I’m better at social interactions. So I should lead that kind of those conversations. And my goodness, I mean, literally, it makes me cringe to think that that’s the way I was feeling. But it’s true. I couldn’t deal with him, possibly making me look bad, or making a mistake or hurting me making a disappointing me. I couldn’t handle it. So I chose to control. And you know how my husband responded to that. Honestly, he was very patient, very, very patient. And I think it’s because I wasn’t as extreme as I used to be, I had made a lot of changes in this marriage. But I didn’t make all the changes I needed to make. Let’s put it that way. So my husband, I feel was patient and kind. And he’s a very humble man in general. So he kind of let me off the hook on a lot of things that a lot of other men probably don’t let their wives off the hook. And there’s probably a lot more

6:09
butting heads than there was in my household, because I was just confidently going forward in the way I thought was best. And I tried to ask him his opinion, but usually, he would just ask me what I should he should do. And I would tell him what I thought. And that’s the thing, he didn’t really have initiative, he didn’t really have confidence that he could do a whole lot. Without me without my either approval or my guidance or my help, that I might need to go and research, whatever he’s trying to get done. Or, or even less than that, honestly, it was, to the extent that we would have a conversation about something that I would bring up. So it kind of felt like I was leading the whole thing, right? Because we’d have a conversation I had bring it up. And then I would decide our action steps after that. So oh, I need to do some more research on this, or oh, we need to figure out this or whatever. And it honestly, we had a really great marriage where there were lots of really great things about it. But there were moments that I could just tell, I had made a grave mistake. I couldn’t put my finger on it. Why? Why if I’m such this, you know, intimacy queen that I can drive him wild in the bedroom. But why doesn’t he remember my birthday? You know, like simple little things like that? Why doesn’t he think that I might want to go out on a date sometime? Why doesn’t he do that, and it would just drive me to such discontent. So what ended up happening is that, you know, going through dy M, I have tried to stretch and learn and grow through each podcast myself. Also share what I think would be helpful to others, but at the same time be one who’s receiving because I haven’t figured this stuff out. I’ve learned some things and I’m happy to share those some things. But I’m a learner, I need to understand the way marriage should look and the way God wants it to work. So what ended up happening is that I interviewed someone, Laura Doyle, who really piqued my interest, I felt like her story was a little different. There was just something there that I wanted in my marriage that I did not have. And so after her interview, I went out and I read her book. And I started to apply some of the principles because she, she had something that I wanted, but for some reason, it just didn’t work. There were I felt like I was putting too much pressure on him. You know, these tactics that I was supposed to be using just weren’t working and, and I knew I needed more. And so I kind of let that flutter over on the side for a while because I was just like, I don’t get this, like some of the things make sense with some of the things I can’t figure out how to apply. So I actually invited her to be a guest again on the show. And this time, what she said, just struck me to the core. And what I realized is that I needed to read her first book is that’s the foundational understandings that I was missing. And it and the thing is, it’s funny because I have known for many years that men need respect. It’s It’s just what we talked about all the time on the podcast. It’s something that’s very vital to them. What I didn’t understand is practically what that means. And so this book, it’s called the surrendered wife is very practical. It’s what to say? What Not To Say what to do when What not to do to, I don’t even know how to say it to become, to get him to do what you want him to do, essentially to get him to become the man you want him to become. So let me tell you what has happened. Again, this is over the span of a few months. As much as I have agreed over and over and over again, about my guests having date nights on a regular basis, it just wasn’t something that we were doing regularly. I mean, we’ve had just in the last couple months, a date night, almost every week. And we we’ve got two kids, one’s three, the other is one and a half. I haven’t planned most of them. I let him know that I’d like to go out and he calls around, finds a babysitter figures out the budget takes me on a date. He has even research the museum that we have gone to that we had wanted to go for years, he figured out how to get there on the train and, and all the details around it.

11:06
made sure that I was comfortable in the restaurant we went to beforehand. Just amazing. The other thing that has changed is romance has improved. The other day we danced in the kitchen, just because I suggested it would be fun. And he was all about it. Random right? Also, I guess a couple days ago, it was pouring out rain and it’s summer rain, so it’s nice and warm. And I was just describing how much I loved the rain. Like being out in the summer warm rain. And suddenly my husband has an idea that we should go out in the rain together. And he grabs a cup of wine glasses and wine and we sat out on our little patio area in front of the apartment building and just enjoyed the warm rain together and had a glass of wine. Very romantic. Another thing that has changed is I’ve had more time for myself. I’ve been able to enjoy time alone when I’ve had a hard day. And I needed to go on a walk by myself. He tells me to enjoy myself and hangs out with the kids. When I go running in the mornings, he makes breakfast while I’m gone. This is something I’ve never asked him to do. But he has taken it upon himself to do this for me every single morning. He makes me breakfast, it makes the kids breakfast gets them ready to go. It’s delightful. He’s also taken more ownership of our family. Even right now, literally, I’m doing this show. And he and he suggested that he take the kids and go to Target to get diapers, wipes and some other things we need. After he checked the budget and made sure that there was money enough to get those items. Again, things I never asked him to do. He is just doing he, I don’t even know I didn’t even know we were out of diapers or toilet paper I didn’t even know. And that’s what he’s going and doing. Yesterday I was working on this show. And I finished and walked into the bathroom to find out that my husband had cleaned the entire bathroom. And he even replaced the shower curtain. I don’t know if you agree with me, but shower curtains are so annoying to replace. I didn’t even ask him to do that. I did not even suggest or mentioned that the bathroom was dirty. Unbelievable. Um, another thing that has changed as he shows much more PDA public displays of affection. I remember distinctly just a couple of months ago, I was basically nagging him as to why he doesn’t touch me more in public, where I was talking about this couple that we had just talked about. And I was like they look so in love, don’t they? And he was like, Yeah, I bet they’re really happy together. And I was like, why do they look in love? And he was like, I don’t know what you’re talking about. And I said, it’s because they were touching each other honey, hint, hint. I want you to touch me. Yeah, that didn’t go over. Well, he I mean, he. He didn’t respond in the way that I wanted him to respond. It didn’t change because I nagged him about it. But now, after applying these principles, he puts his arm around me. He grabs my hand. He pulled me in for a kiss today, and I wasn’t even expecting it. All the time. When we’re out in public. It’s delightful. Another thing is he takes leadership in his walk with God. Now I know that is your desire. You want him to be the spiritual head of your household. He has beginning to really astound me in this area. He prays with our kids before they go to sleep and before meals. It’s just become something we do. And he’s the one that says it. The majority of the time, if not, he’ll ask me to pray. And I’ll pray happily. So that’s been really cool. He’s been, he’s become more attentive in the bedroom. And we talked about sex all the time on the show. So I’m going to leave that there for now. But it’s been delightful. Here’s what I’ve done. And I’m, again, just beginning this process. It’s something that any wife can do can apply these things. But this is what I’ve done. A lot of this stuff that I’m going to tell you about is straight from Laura Doyle’s book, but she’s got way more stuff in there. So definitely put it on your priority list to read the surrendered wife, but let me tell you what I’ve done. The things that have meant most to me in my marriage, I started telling him things about himself, where I saw potential.

15:57
And basically, I started saying things that I see in him, honestly, before I really started seeing it, he would do something small, like, bring an extra pair of shorts for the boys. And I would tell him, how grateful I am that he’s taking care of our family. I would say things like, Oh, you you plan ahead. So well, you think about all the details that involve our family, you’re taking care of us. He made me breakfast one time. And I made it in the, into the shape of a heart It was like this funny. Bacon. Really cool. Actually, it was kind of like a, this is gonna sound ridiculous, like a like a quilt of bacon. And I took one bite of one corner because it was kind of like a square. And one bite of a corner made it into a heart. And I didn’t realize that. And then all of a sudden, I had this great idea. So I put it on Facebook that, you know, a little surprise for my from my husband, and it looked like incredibly romantic, and he got all the credit for it. And I was happy to do that, because he made me this amazing bacon, whatever, I really do enjoy my bacon. But the point is that he got credit for being incredibly romantic. And since then he has given me so many different designs on my breakfast plate. Anyway, another thing is I just started willing myself to say what I believe he is. And even I started telling him he is the things that I want him to become. Laura talks about how any kind of complaining criticizing negative attitude your husband takes personally, I didn’t realize that at all. But seriously, it makes him feel like a failure. When you’re complaining when you’re telling him what he’s doing wrong. It doesn’t motivate him to change. What it does is it motivates him to become complacent and even be less than what what you want him to be as the opposite. Another thing I changed is I stopped doing things for him that a mother would do. I was at a meeting the other day. And after reading this book, like my eyes are open, I see it all I see all the wives that are treating their husbands like their little boys. And she was kind of following your husband around with a paper plate. And no, no, because it was it was like a buffet style. He had a plate. And I was talking to him her husband’s an amazing man. I was talking to him directly. And she just came and started just dropping things on his plate like, like he was a toddler. Like he couldn’t do it himself. He she gave him a fork and a knife and a napkin and, you know, asked him if he wanted this or that. I mean, it was it was honestly something I probably would have done and thought I was taking care of my husband. No, it’s treating him like a child. So I stopped correcting him, I stopped teaching him things that I know because I’m so much smarter. And I’ve had so much more experience and I’ve read so many more. But I stopped that. I started, I stopped making him feel incapable. And I started letting him take care of me. I let him start doing the things that I couldn’t do. I just I don’t like it. It’s hard for me. He’s better at it. I stopped trying to be everything that I don’t want to be so for example, putting up shelves. Yeah, I probably could figure out how to do it. No, I just I let him do it. That was his project. I didn’t tell him when it needed to be done. I nothing like that. I just asked him if it could happen. And I stopped taking over his projects. When I asked him to do something for me or I would like something accomplished. I didn’t then go and do what I asked him to do. You know, and I stopped nitpicking his progress. Like as he was accomplishing a task. I completely stayed out of it. For example, yesterday we got this amazing a water filter that I’ve wanted for a long time. And it’s incredibly complex to set up, it’s, I don’t know, two feet high. And it’s got all these interesting things inside a really, really great investment. But I didn’t want to set it up. And I was I just worked all day, and I just wanted to relax and hang out with my little boys. And I was like, Honey, could you do this, and the man enjoyed himself and liked it and, and spent, in fact, all night, like watching videos about how this works. And again, this is initiative, I’ve, this is not like, and he’s not this kind of guy or wasn’t. But slowly, he’s become the man that I just get so excited that I get to be with. So I, so I started holding my tongue every time I wanted to nitpick or criticize or correct or say, oh, you should look at the directions. Or you should ask this person or you should. I’m not advising him anymore. It’s over. He can figure it out himself. He could figure it out before we got married. He can figure it out now.

21:00
But yeah, I started telling him, he’s a great man. I started saying, Wow, I find you so sexy. And I would whisper things like that in his ear. Oh, what an amazing father he is. I feel so honored to be walking next to you. And here’s another thing I stopped doing, I stopped caring what people think. I started caring more about what my husband thinks. I think it’s ridiculous that we are on our best behavior for strangers or acquaintances, people that we may never see again. And yet we were not on our best behavior in front of the only people that we absolutely bar none will affect for eternity. Does that make sense? Can you imagine, think about the people that have influenced your life the most in your life, it’s probably been your blood relatives, and your spouse, they absolutely will affect the way you see yourself, the way you walk the way you love Jesus, it matters. And yet we don’t treat them on our best behavior, we save our best behavior for people that it doesn’t matter a tiddle, they won’t remember at all what we said or did, the people we see in the grocery store that we try so hard to impress with our smiles and excitement to see them. And yet we get in the car with our spouse and pick a fight. It’s bizarre, so that needs to change. But yeah, I started honoring my family as more important than anyone else. So I go, God is so kind, but I work from home. So I get to go to the playground and see my hubby and kids during my lunch break. And when I get to the playground, when I I literally do not look at anybody’s face, until I get a chance to greet either my husband or my kids. All of them get greeted before I say hi to anyone else. And you know, we live in a community, their neighborhood playground. We know a lot of neighbors. And I literally the first thing my first priority is my husband if he doesn’t feel loved and honored and appreciated. Ha, man, man, something’s wrong. Something’s wrong. So another thing I stopped doing is, again, caring what people think I, my husband has told me for years that he enjoyed the way I look better without makeup. So I stopped wearing makeup, because that’s what my husband likes. And I stopped caring, whatever my, you know, other people liked, I wanted what he liked more. Another thing is, I stopped caring so much about what I wear outside of the house. And I’ve got a lot more excitement about what I wear inside of the house. The other day, I was painting something doing a little craft project because now I have time to do little things like that. I was painting and I was wearing a dress just in our house because I wanted to. And then when we went outside, I changed into more normal clothes. Because, again, I just care more about my husband that that’s probably an extreme example, but it just, I don’t know, I did that the other day. But also in intimacy, I really enjoy the things that I wear in front of my husband. They just matter more, it matters more to me to get him excited than to get some stranger on the street, thinking about something he shouldn’t be thinking about. So I’ve become more modest out there and less modest in the presence of just my husband. And I started telling him about how proud I am of him. I’ve honored him to others in front of others. I’ve agreed with others when they praise him. I’ve told him things like I I’ve told him say Okay, so here’s one like Laura taught me again through her book, but saying things that you’d like to happen without without controlling the outcome without trying to make it happen. So I’ve just said things like I’d like to do XY and Z. And then I just leave it there. And in fact, I don’t care if it happens, I just let it go. He knows. And if it happens, it happens. The funny thing is, it generally happens. I didn’t expect that I stopped that controlling business.

25:21
Here’s one that was key, I started saying whatever you think, all the time, because we had gotten into a pattern where my husband would actually ask me for advice all the time, because that was something I would always give him. And so, you know, I didn’t trust him. So he didn’t trust himself. So he had to come to meet for questions. And what I have now, thank God changed is that I start to say, whatever you think they, whatever you think, sure, whatever you think, whatever you think, honey. So then he feels encouraged, he feels, I trust him, he feels capable of doing the things he felt was the right thing to do. And generally, whatever, I just have to let it go. It’s funny, because when I first started reading this, with a girlfriend of mine, I actually lassoed her into it. Because after listening to the second episode of Laura, I was like, I have to read this book. And I don’t want to because it’s really scary. And it’s really hard. And I don’t want to make these changes. So I texted my friend, and I was like, well, you help read this book with me, it probably is gonna change my marriage, but I am really scared about what it’s asking me to do. She did do it with me, thank God. And we’re actually still doing it. I haven’t even finished the book yet. But what am I trying to tell you? Oh, it felt like, after I got to the, I don’t know, first chapter where she says, to say whatever you think he came up, my husband came up with this idea to make shelves in the bathroom. And I did not want him to do this. But I said, Whatever you think. And now however, many months later, I love those shelves, it was the best choice in that bathroom. So you just kind of have to let it go. You just have to let him be the person he has to grow in confidence and make the mistakes himself and make decisions himself and you don’t get to be the gatekeeper of who he is, he gets to become who he should be. So I say whatever you think, I also say it’s up to you, babe, I trust you. And basically, I just started encouraging his confidence and, and helping him to become confident because one thing that Laura taught me is that the way you see your husband, is the way he sees himself. To me that was vital. Because the way I either build him up and encourage him, or the way I knock him down and criticize and try to control he starts to see himself that way. And, and maybe your husband is not exactly like mine, where he doesn’t want to give up and say oh, you’re you know, give up to an extent, you know, maybe your husband is like, she’s not going to control me, she doesn’t get to tell me what to do. And internally, he just is raging. And that’s what provokes all these arguments in this. You know, it depends on what, who your husband is, and how he responds to controlling. But basically, he’s responding to you’re controlling, that’s what’s the problem here. One thing that mattered about his confidence is, here’s an example. My husband loves soccer. And he was really wanting to play and hadn’t really played all winter and, and he will, he was approached by a friend to join the soccer league. And honestly, it’s a competitive friend, his friend is incredibly competitive in soccer. And my husband’s like, you know, I, I really want to do it, but I haven’t really played very much. And

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I, you know, I just don’t know if I can do it. And he’s, like, in front of me saying this. And in my head. I’m thinking, I don’t know if he can do it. I don’t know if he’s good enough to play with those guys. I mean, it might be scary. What if he makes himself look silly? Or, or what if he fails? And it’s painful? I mean, I don’t know what to say. But because I had read this book, and was applying the principles already, I just bit the bullet and said, Honey, I know you can do this. That’s what I said. And I didn’t fully trust that truth. I just said it. I just said I believe in you, honey, I know you can do this. Once you start feeling comfortable, you can do this. You’re going to get better. You’re going to work hard and you’re going to impress all of them. You can do this honey, I know you could do this. Well, let me tell you a few months after that. Just the other day he was playing soccer a pickup game in the area with a bunch of people that were from the Soccer League, this really competitive league. And even one of the coaches was there, if not both. And he reported that he actually scored a very difficult goal, where the ball basically in mid air curved around another player and was scored. So, yes, he did it. And he would never have even gotten to that place. Had I not stepped in at that moment of vulnerability and said, Yes, you can do this. I believe in you, babe, I believe in you. That’s what our husband needs. Another thing that I started doing is saying I can’t, the times that I it just was too overwhelming. I just told him I can’t do certain things. And I just left it, whether he was going to do it or not, it didn’t matter to me, but I can’t do it. That was scary. That was really scary. We had a my son’s birthday party, and I really wanted him to have a birthday party, it meant a lot to me. But things became too overwhelming with my health. And I couldn’t do it. And I just told my husband, I can’t. And I let him know that. If he wanted to cancel the birthday party last minute, he can do that. I’d like him to have a birthday party. But if he doesn’t, I, I can’t do it. So whatever you decide, honey, I trust you. I think it’s a great idea. Whatever you choose to do, my husband has never, as far as to my knowledge never done anything. It never created party himself. And, and he did. And it was fun. And people reported back that it was just relaxing and nice. And and that was fine. It was great. And he began to, to have confidence in things he never had. So I want you to read this book, I really do. I want you to find a girlfriend and say this is going to be scary. And this is going to be hard. But let’s do this together. Let’s just take an experiment for three months, and just read this thing together and apply it and see what God does just see, let’s just see. Because really, it’s scary. And it’s hard. But man, it’s so much better. It’s so worth it. Again, I’m in the very beginning of this, I’m still learning, I’m still growing, I’m still getting through this book. But the book is really, really good. I read a lot of the books that people recommend on the podcast, either I’ve already read them or about to read them or I you know, at least try to skin them things like that. But I don’t always like go back and say read this book, I will tell you that it’s called the surrendered wife. Get it on Kindle, you can get it on. So there’s a an abridged version of the audiobook. So I listened to that. And it was a good intro. But there’s a lot of meat in the actual book that I would suggest that you actually also get the book because at least you can get the introduction like you can at least get what she’s trying to tell you. But there’s so much depth in the book that you miss if you only get the audiobook. I also want to tell you that as you embark on this journey, it’s going to be scary, and it’s going to be awkward at first and very uncomfortable. And I’m still there’s still aspects of this that are incredibly uncomfortable for me. And it feels like I’m a broken record saying things like whatever you think baby, whatever you think. And it feels like I’m a broken record saying I’d like to XY and Z I’d like to go to the beach. I’d like to have this for dinner. I’d like the kids to not do that in the future or whatever. Like, it feels so awkward. But let me tell you what, when you start to live this, it changes everything.

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When that when I suggested when I didn’t suggest anything I just said I love the way rain feels in the summertime, I love I think it’s so romantic. And here, my husband came up with this idea, grabbed the wine glasses whisked me away and did exactly what I desired. And literally I had not registered in my head that I had said I wanted to do this I hadn’t. I hadn’t realized that. I said I’d like this. I didn’t even realize I said it but I did. So it’s gonna be processes gonna be hard. The other thing that’s very important is that you not tell your husband about it. This feel felt very uncomfortable for me, because I am an open book with my husband. I tell him everything, especially things that are important to me. I tell him, I don’t want you to tell him. Tell your girlfriends and you know make a pact that you both are not going to tell your husband because this is a process of you becoming a different woman to him and he becoming a different man to you and in every area of his life. Look It goes into detail about why not to tell him so I’ll let you learn from her. But here’s the last story I want to share with you. Again, my husband is a quiet man. He is calm and friendly and kind. And it took me a long time to trust that other people would see that in him, I really used to be so scared that he would make a fool out of me in public situations. I mean, it’s horrible to say, but I didn’t realize it. But now I realize I was scared that he was going to embarrass me by just opening his mouth by just saying something that he was thinking and by God’s grace, slowly, you know, it’s been a long process even far before this book. But I realized the brilliance of the man I married the, the amazing heart, he has the genuineness, the authenticity that he has, that he used to think, you know, would make people uncomfortable, because he’s so willing to be honest. But it just happened that, you know, a couple weeks ago, we were at a leadership meeting at our church. And it was an appreciation brunch, that the leadership of our church put together in their home and husband and wife, we just loved them dearly. But there was a time for people sharing appreciation for each other. And so I started things off, I might have been the first or second person to say, I really appreciate the children’s ministry, because they, you know, really make sure they take care of our kids. And it’s so nice to go into worship and not have to worry about where our kids are, if someone’s looking after them, someone loves them. It’s just such a wonderful thing. So thank you so much the children’s ministry, and then other people chimed in, and you know, we had a good, you know, appreciation going. And then all of a sudden, my husband decides he’s going to say something. And I was quiet. And I was excited to hear what he had to say. And you know, my husband had such courage to be vulnerable in front of this group of people. And he chose one person to specifically think that that person had been there for us. And then he thanked another person that had been there for us in in this situation in that situation. And literally, what he started to just describe, took the entire group to a different level, we all started to understand the depth of love in this room that wasn’t even understood before he had the courage to go there. Do you know what I mean? When you’re in a situation and suddenly someone transports you to a different depth, suddenly, you know, that this, this is real. This is real. And I was one of maybe four or five others in the group that had tears streaming down their face by the time he finished what he had to say. And do you know, one of the things he said was about how we’re going to be when we meet Jesus? Do you know that he led the entire group into a connection with the Most High and honestly, I’m getting chills just describing it right now, because I didn’t realize how significant was until just this very moment that he led. In a way I’ve never seen him lead before a group. It’s just wow, it’s just good. So I think I’ve given you everything, I hope that you need to take a first step to text a girlfriend and say this is going to be scary and really hard and uncomfortable and annoying. And and, and I’m going to be mad through a lot of it.

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But will you do this with me? And read the book and do it together? Well, this is a journey. And thank you for joining me my journey and the ways I’ve learned and grown. I’m going to be praying for you as you listen to this and let your heart meditate on this and make these scary, hard changes. Because it’s worth it. It’s really worth it. God bless you. I’m praying for you. And I’m going to talk to you next week. Here’s a special treat. That second interview with Laura Doyle. I am posting next Tuesday so please come back and listen to that. And let your heart be stirred again and edified in this way yet again. Love you. Bye bye.

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Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love wisdom. Passion

 

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