0:02

Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host belah rose

0:18

Haye, and welcome. Thank you for joining me if this is your first time listening to the podcast, I want to say thank you for being here, just for spending some time thinking about marriage and thinking about how another person does it is valuable. And, you know, it’s so easy to see, you know, marriages that have fallen apart in the public space. Right. But what about the marriages that have stayed strong? What about the marriages that have dug deep and kept going, and that’s what this this podcast is about is bringing you their stories so that you can hear from firsthand why and how they’ve stayed together. And that you can do it too. So I hope that you’re inspired today and encouraged to go deeper with your marriage go deeper with your connection and your communication. That’s what we’re talking about today with Bethany riechmann. And I hope that you are inspired by the end of this conversation, I think you will be because we are talking about how to get closer together as a couple and how that affects and can impact your intimacy. So let’s go ahead and dive in. Hello, and welcome to let your marriage listener I am really excited to have you and I am excited to have Bethany riechmann on welcome Bethany.

1:50

Thank you.

1:51

I am so happy to have you, Bethany and her husband. Do a website called engaged marriage.com. And Bethany and I have it’s kind of been a long time coming. For her Conversations. I’m really excited to finally dive in. But Bethany, just to kind of start out. Would you mind introducing yourself and a little bit about your family and what your day to day life kind of looks like? Sure.

2:16

So I Bethany, and I’m married to my husband, Dustin, and we’ve been married for about 15 years. And we have three kiddos ages 11, nine and six and they keep us pretty busy. I used to be a special education teacher and then when God gave us a very our littlest one, I decided that maybe my calling was to stay home for a while. And so I’ve been doing that for about six years. And then just recently I’ve kind of dove headfirst into the substitute teaching arena. So I’m gonna see how that new road takes me.

2:49

Very nice. Yes, very nice. And how old are your kids again?

2:53

They’re 11 nine and six. Yes.

2:56

Okay. So and I hear you have Halloween parties going on today. So

3:01

let me do this seems to be the Halloween that’s never gonna end around here. So yeah, they have the parties this today. And then we have of course trigger trading this weekend and a parade on Monday. Oh, yeah.

3:11

lots lots going on. Very nice. Okay. Well, tell us a little bit about you and your husband’s personalities, if

3:18

you would? Sure. Well, I am much more of the behind the scenes kind of data, no laid back person, okay. And my husband, Dustin is definitely the go getter. And he has lots of ideas. And so I am the supportive one in the making those ideas happen. And he would also say that I’m the reality checker whenever his ideas get a little big.

3:45

Yeah, so Okay, so you so does that mean, you don’t like the spotlight

3:50

all that much or No, not at all?

3:54

Well, thank you for being with us today. This is big deal.

3:57

Yeah, you’re welcome. Well, and I mean, I don’t say that I don’t want to talk to people, but I’m just not as look at me or comfortable at that. But I still feel very strongly about the things that we talk about. And you know, I’m happy to share that with others.

4:11

Yeah, I love that. Sometimes. The the purpose behind what we’re doing kind of propels us forward, even if we don’t feel naturally inclined to do things.

4:21

Is that Absolutely, yes. Yes. Awesome.

4:24

Well, you know, this podcast is all about inspiring and empowering marriages. And I wonder if you would kind of start our conversation off with a scripture that may have meant a lot to you over the years or even recently.

4:37

Sure I have one that I think it is something that’s important to me to remind myself of constantly no matter where I am, you know, in my season in my life or whatever, but it comes from Jeremiah chapter 29 Verse 11, for I know well the plans I have in mind for you plans for your welfare and not for Whoa, so as to give you a future of hope. And I think that’s a really good one, you know, whether you’re, you know, in the throes of small children, or if you’re newlyweds or if you are, you know, empty nesters, I think that applies to all areas of life, you know, just to remind ourselves that we aren’t here to live for us, you know, we’re here to live for Him, and how can we do that through our families? So that’s something that’s super important for me.

5:24

And I love that. That translation, what translation is that?

5:28

That comes from the our Catholic Bible? So that’s just the one that I found.

5:33

I love it. Could you repeat the I just love the phrasing? Could you say it one more time?

5:37

Sure. It’s for I know, well, the plans I have in mind for you plans for your welfare and not for Whoa, so as to give you a future of hope.

5:46

That’s beautiful. That is so beautiful. I love that. Well, yes, I mean, you know, that’s, that’s the God that we serve, he knows well, the plans he has for us. And, you know, in the midst of some of the most difficult times in our lives, it’s hard to see that it’s hard to remember that athletes, you know, and that’s really what I want to kind of dive into a little bit is, you know, a difficult season. Often, that’s where we learn the most, and God teaches us the most through it. So I’m interested, yeah, if you could kind of share a difficult season of your marriage and kind of take us to that spot.

6:26

Sure. You know, I talked about how I used to be a special education teacher. And, you know, we had at the time, two kiddos, and I was working full time, and also taking classes in masters classes to get my Master’s in special ed. And, you know, Dustin was working his job. And, you know, we just kind of seem to be doing that whole, we’re living together, you know, kind of thing, but we weren’t really connecting on a deep level. And so we, we attended a marriage retreat, actually, because at this point, we were already talking to couples in our church about natural family planning, which is something that we’re really big on. And so we went to this retreat, thinking we were going to, you know, learn how to give this retreat and help others. But you know, God works in his way. And as a matter of fact, it really worked on us. And we reaped so many benefits from going to this retreat, where we talked a lot about, you know, our dream marriage. And in that lesson, I spoke about things that we had never talked about before, like how, you know, my I, my ideal marriage would include me being able to stay home with the kids, and he had no idea. And I think that, you know, obviously God had his plan for us. And when Avery came along, not too long after that retreat, you know, it was kind of like a wake up moment where I was like, wow, you know, God gave us another, you know, little treasure. And now what am I going to do with that? So, you know, through that retreat, we really learned how to communicate better. And especially, we came away with the whole 15 minutes a day, which is kind of what our ministry online is based on is how, you know, just 15 minutes every day talking to your spouse, uninterrupted can make such a huge difference. So, also, you know, just really ramping up our prayer life and knowing that, you know, speaking to God and getting to know God more is going to help our marriage as well. So yeah, I mean, there were, I don’t know, that I’ve ever, you know, before that had ever understood, being called to do something, you know, like, called to have a certain kind of position or whatever. But, you know, after having been at that retreat, I certainly after, you know, finding out we were expecting our third child really felt called to, you know, stay home.

8:44

Wow, wow. Well, can I go even before you went on this retreat? Right, what were what were things kind of like, between the two of you. So you said, you’re super busy. Sounds like you had you had two kids. You were in school? You were also working, your husband was working? Yeah. Yeah. What I mean, what was it kind of like, between the two of you?

9:05

I, you know, I think that we were, we weren’t we did not have a bad marriage. I think we just had an okay, marriage, you know, and it was not something that we were at a really working on, we kind of were at this point where we’re like, Okay, well, you know, everything’s going great. You know, it’s just, you know, this is the way we’re living. We have small kids. And, you know, I don’t think that we realized that it could be different, you know, that we could have a deeper marriage and some a relationship that was, you know, growing rather than just staying stagnant.

9:36

Hmm. Was it something that you noticed before the retreat? I mean, had you

9:40

you know, it wasn’t I think it was one of those things that when we got there, and after we started talking, then we realized, oh, wow, you know, we, we were living the life and everything was going great, but it could be so much better. And that’s kind of I think what the retreat did for us was to open our eyes to what our marriage could be and probably what God wants it To be, you know, not just what, you know, we were the reality that we were living.

10:05

So when you say like what God wants it to be what what would you kind of describe that as what I mean? How did your your marriage kind of change into what God wanted it to be?

10:15

Yeah, I think that we really, through our communication, you know, have found ways to become closer and, you know, I tend to, I think just the communication itself made such a huge difference, I tend to hold things in and, you know, I’m really passive. And so I don’t like to, you know, disagree or, you know, be uncomfortable. And I think that this retreat, you know, kind of put you out there and just let you experience and express your desires to your spouse and let them know what what they’re feeling without, you know, any kind of, you know, negativity or anything like that with it. So I think we just really learn how to open up to each other in a way that, you know, God really wants marriage to be and, you know, and through, actually, through this retreat to talk a lot about masculinity and femininity, and how those roles within a marriage are so very important. And understanding how men tend to think and how women are sort of the opposite. You know, how we can learn to understand each other in a better way?

11:22

Wow, so Okay, so what do you mean, in terms of differences? Like, what are some things that kind of were underlying that? You know, once they brought to the surface? Yeah,

11:32

wow, well, really, in the intimacy category, that was one of the big things. So, you know, as a woman, I like to feel close to my husband by talking, you know, I’m a talker, and I want to, I want to tell them about my day, and I want him to listen to me, I don’t necessarily need him to talk back, I just wanted to, you know, kind of be a listening ear. And, you know, and by talking to him and experiencing, you know, my time with him, that makes me feel close and want to be intimate. The opposite, I think is true for a lot of men, where, you know, they want to feel close to us physically, before, they want to open up emotionally. And so, and that’s very true for our relationship. And so that was something that I didn’t really recognize before our retreat weekend, but something I am very aware of now.

12:18

Hmm. So then what’s the tactic is the tactic to be physical, and then have the have the emotional piece there is that kind of well, and

12:31

I think that the, the goal behind that is for us to be aware of both so that, you know, if he knows that, you know, he wants to feel close to me, physically, then he also needs to get close to me emotionally, he needs to talk to me and not just expect that, you know, when the kids are in bed, it’s going to be, you know, time for us to be together, you know, and so, because that’s not, that’s not my preferred, you know, way of doing things. And so I think that him realizing that and me knowing, you know, that he wants to be with me, and so opening up myself to, to those conversations, you know, to, to just open those both, both ways of communicating, you know, and being aware of that, but at the same time, you know, we talked about, at the retreat, we talked about how men have to be aware that, you know, women need to, you know, have that emotional connection first, and that they can’t just expect, you know, women to follow themselves to be with, you know, so yeah, I mean, there was a lot of respect built into this too, you know, with learning how to communicate both ways.

13:31

I love that. So okay, so that’s very cool. So, I like that you said, thinking through what your husband wants, he wants the physical connection, and that opens him up to be more emotionally connected, right. And the wife generally wants to be the emotional connection, the communication connection, before she wants that physical connection. So I like that you said, at least just having that underlying understanding helps the both of you work together and kind of be like, Okay, so the husband wants to go and listen to his wife. Right. And that’ll more than likely move closer to physical intimacy. Well, there’s not gonna hurt right? Yeah, no, that’s true. That’s true. I, you know, I think sometimes as wives we get into this place where we’re like, you know, he’ll,

14:22

he’ll make a move and you’re like, wait a second, I just, I just walked in the door, right? Or, you know, I’m

14:28

barely connected to you in any way. How do you think I’m just gonna drop my pants? Right.

14:36

You know, and I think that we sometimes still slide into those bad habits, you know, if you want to call them that, but but, you know, understanding that there’s a better way and then realizing that we can, you know, get on the right path again, just like I said, our honestly our sex life now is a zillion times better than it was before. You know, we didn’t have a horrible sex life, but just knowing that, you know, I trust him, you know, to be open with me at the right time. And, you know, vice versa. So I think that, yeah, there, it was just it was, you know, life changing for us.

15:09

Really, really, really? Do you mind going into that a little bit of of like, what, what changes happened? Or why do you think things are better? Yeah, I

15:17

think, you know, I always felt like, you know, I felt like, the intimacy part was something that, you know, he wanted all the time, and I did not, and, or not as much as him, I guess, I should say, and I think that after this retreat, and, and just, you know, talking about our desires for our family, and our marriage, and I think just the whole thing made us a closer team. And we had the same goals, you know, like, I don’t want him to not be with me, and you know, if his preferred mode of communication and loving me is physical, I have to understand that that would be like him, you know, if my preferred method of communication is talking verbally, and then me wanting to talk to him, and him saying, Oh, I don’t want to talk to you right now, that would be really hurtful, you know, and so I think just opening our eyes to those differences in us, and the beauty of that God made us that way, you know, God is forcing me to open up to Dustin and vice versa, he needs to listen to me, it can’t just be, you know, all the physical part too. So, you know, just, but like I said, again, you know, it makes it sound like you have to just give up, you know, the wife just has to submit to the husband all the time. And that’s not the case. You know, God also asks us, you know, to trust our husbands, because, you know, our husbands are supposed to love us, like Christ loved his church, and if Christ died for his church, then husbands should be willing to, you know, sacrifice for their wives as well. And so that was also a really powerful message that was given that weekend.

16:50

I love that. So. So I love that you said the preferred method of communication being sex for your husband. Right? I, you know, I think that we don’t always think about that as communication.

17:04

Right? Yeah. Right. And that was true, too. And, you know, we shouldn’t intimacy and sex shouldn’t be something that’s think thought of as wrong or bad, it should be wonderful. God gave us this gift, you know, a husband and wife can’t get any closer than that, you know. So we need to look at that, as you know, one of the best experiences that we can have on this earth, you know, and we look at it as a renewal of our wedding vows every single time, you know, God is part of our marriage. And, you know, when we’re able to connect in that gift that God gave us, that is something very special.

17:36

renewal of our wedding vows every time. Yeah, I love that. I mean, it’s true. It’s it’s, this is me, this is you, this is the only thing that the two of us, I mean, this is we’re the only two that are, you know, going into this experience together it is it’s just like that renewal of your vow to each other. I think that’s a really good way of looking at it. What about what would you tell the wife that’s saying, Well, you know, my husband really doesn’t understand my communication style. And so I feel, you know, hampered by, you know, having to always meet his communication style all the time.

18:14

Right. And I can see that happening, too. But I think that the important part of this kind of equation is that there has to be communication outside of the bedroom before that can take place in the bedroom. You know, I think that, that foreplay, so to speak, needs to start all day long. You know, I mean, you can’t, you know, like you said, sometimes, husbands can be known for coming in the door, and just, you know, wanting to be close or whatever. But, you know, it doesn’t take much for a husband to text his wife throughout the day and just say, I’ve been thinking about you, or I can’t wait to hang out with you tonight. Or, you know, and it doesn’t have to be anything sexual, just knowing that even though your spouse is away from you, they’re still thinking about you, you know, it’s not like they walk out the door, you walk out the door to whatever job you’re going to that you know, that you don’t ever think about them, you know, I think it’s important to let them know that you’re on their mind, because everyone likes to be, you know, loved and thought of, and for me, at least, I like to have those, you know, whether it’s an email or just inviting text or anything, just to, to let him know that that I’m on his mind. Yeah,

19:19

yeah. Well, okay, so So when this when this conference happened, and, and, you know, it was all these wonderful things about about masculinity and femininity and intimacy. You also mentioned that it was a lot about communication and how your communication level became deeper, and I’m interested in how that happened.

19:44

But I think it was just like I said, we got to know each other on a whole new level, and that’s saying something because that’s when I started dating when I was 14. So we’ve been together for over 20 years, and, you know, so we’ve really grown together and for me to say that You know, just the things that we learned about each other that weekend really made us just even closer, you know, and that, that the, what society expects us to do, and what marriage is to society doesn’t have to be what God wants marriage to be, you know, like, we I just think we found a whole new holy meaning to our marriage, and what good it can do.

20:25

So was that when engaged marriage was kind of birthed,

20:29

actually, I was Yes, from that conference, we left there. And we’re renewed in our excitement of sharing our story of NFP and, you know, helping other couples and we this conference that we went to, we actually ended up helping to give it a few times in some of the parishes around our area. But, you know, having three kids can make that somewhat difficult. So, but we still practice the things that we learned there, you know, we still try to have that same kind of strong communication. And I’m not saying that we’re perfect, because we’re not, but you know, we are mindful of when things you know, when I start to get cranky, or, you know, if he starts to feel like he’s being shut out, then we can have a real conversation about that.

21:12

So were there certain questions that you asked each other? Or what was it like, substantively, that made you communicate on this retreat?

21:21

Yeah, I think we, they had speakers who kind of gave their testimony of things that had happened in their marriages, and how, you know, God had changed them through these events. And then we broke apart into just, you know, a couples, and then we were to journal an answer to a question that they might have given, and then read it to our spouse without them commenting. So they just had to listen to what our, you know, journal entry was, but you know, I mean, it ranged from Dream marriage to learning how to affirm your spouse, you know, giving compliments and receiving those, you know, gratefully, you know, and so it was just a really special thing. And they gave us a lot of time to, you know, listen to some wisdom that was given from married couples, you know, who had also received this retreat before, but then also for us to, you know, have couple times and, you know, talk about that within our own marriages, because not everybody’s marriages the same. So, you know, what their dreams and desires are for one couple are not what it would be for someone else.

22:23

So how did you? So when you think about dreams and desires for your marriage, I mean, what kind of insights? Can you give a wife that’s listening? And is like, yeah, I’ve never had that conversation with my husband, what I mean, what should she do?

22:38

Okay, so funny that you should mention that now. But you know, when, when we talked about having gone to the retreat, and then starting the website, Desson also wrote a book, that’s called the 15 Minute marriage makeover that kind of addresses all of those things like how, you know, it’s like, a month long, kind of program, not really programming, and it’s just so we can follow it. And one of the things is that you commit to 15 minutes a day. And you know, you’d be surprised you think, Well, I live with this person, how is it that I, you know, I talk to them all the time? Yeah, but do we really talk about our goals and our dreams and you know, a vacation we want to take, or what do we want to do when we retire or, you know, just anything, so, it’s just a good idea to, you know, you can have, you know, a list of things that you’re going to talk about, but yeah, those 15 minutes a day really make a difference. Even even tackling some of those big items, like, you know, the wife desiring to stay home, or vice versa, the the wife desiring to go back to work, and you know, what kinds of things can you know, the couple talk about that, that could make those dreams happen, you know, make it a reality?

23:45

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. So, okay, so 15 minutes. Why? Why 15?

23:53

Because it seems like a really manageable amount of time. You know, I mean, we think we live these crazy, busy lives. And, you know, you might think, well, 15 minutes isn’t enough, and maybe it’s not, but if you, if you commit to those 15 minutes every day, then it can be great. And I’m talking 15 minutes of uninterrupted time, like no TV, no cell phone, you know, so that you’re not distracted. And, you know, you’d be amazed how difficult that is to, you know, to sit together with your spouse, and just, it seems kind of awkward at first, you know, because you’re like, Well, I with this person all the time. Why is it that I have to, you know, focus on them to talk to them, but it’s true, it’s you need to give each other you know, your full attention so that you can say some big things that you might have on your hearts and things that you know, you’re concerned about or things you know, but if there’s no concerns, you could also talk about, you know, memories that you have to remember that time that we’ve been on that vacation and you know, that great dinner we had and then afterwards, you know, I mean you could reminisce too and even that for especially for you know, people who love that communication to feel closer. That’s a great time to spend together. Now, some people are evening people and they like those 15 minutes at night when the kids are in bed, or maybe you’re a morning person, and maybe you guys set your alarm for, you know, 15 minutes earlier than normal just to get up and have coffee and talk to each other, you know, so it’s just kind of making time for each other that we don’t necessarily realize we’re missing out on.

25:17

Yeah, I love that. And so, this has led to greater intimacy, greater physical intimacy, for sure.

25:22

Yeah. I mean, it’s just, I feel more like, I feel less like a thing and more like a person that he loves. You know, I think that I was feeling like, I was just kind of there for his pleasure. And that was not, and that was never his intention. Please don’t misunderstand that. That was all on, you know, me feeling like, you know, I wasn’t connecting with him, which was right, by our own faults, you know, we are and I think that’s too true that we don’t, we’re not always taught how to communicate with each other like that, you know, even when some churches require, you know, pre marriage kind of counseling stuff. I think communication is the number one thing because communication can lead to, you know, openness in intimacy, and finances and all the things that people tend to fight about, you know, so if you’ve always got that open communication, I think there’s less opportunity for, you know, resentment and things like that to happen. Yeah,

26:21

I love that. Well, I hope that you are inspired and encouraged to communicate to connect. On our next episode coming out next Tuesday, you’re going to hear the rest of Bethany’s story and what she’s learned in her marriage and how to connect on a deeper level. So, join us again next Tuesday. I look forward to talking to you then God bless you and praying for you and your marriage. Bye bye.

26:51

Thanks for joining. If you’ve been inspired by this show, would you help spread the word? If you take a moment to review and subscribe others can find us more easily. Find out how to delight your marriage.com forward slash iTunes. Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion