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What You’ll Discover:

  • Why should your sex-life be amazing?
  • How do you make your sex life as exciting as it’s displayed in our culture?
  • The biggest barrier for women have to an exciting sex-life
  • Why your attitude matters
  • What your attitude means to your husband
  • Actions to take to become sexually free
  • Why it matters to God for you to have an amazing sex life

Men get turned on by something they see, women get turned on by feeling good about themselves. – Joyce Penner

You and Me Forever by Francis Chan, the book I’m reading that is wrecking me and wanting me to follow Jesus more deeply. All the proceeds from the book go directly to missions and charities.

Delight Your Husband Video Course the course I created to take a wife by the hand and give her actionable and specific knowledge & techniques to love her husband in his most intimate place and feel comfortable and sexy doing it.

Coaching with Belah

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General Transcript:

  • First of all DYM Mission: we’ll be 2 years in just a couple of days
    • reflecting on the mission of DYM
    • I’m fasting and praying about it
      • if you care about this ministry and it’s eternal impact, would you pray as well?

The Most Important Piece To Amazing Intimacy

  • I want to talk about what I think is the most important thing for amazing intimacy
    • Why is amazing intimacy important?
      • sex unifies
      • it is you becoming one flesh
      • how many times does it talk about a man and woman leaving their mother and father and joining together and becoming one flesh
      • it’s all about unification
      • it’s also about all the things you think it is
      • but to me it’s the most compelling reason, to unify a husband and wife
    • why should it be amazing?
      • sex is powerful
      • how many times does it say in the Bible “don’t commit adultery?” many times…do a search
        • why?
        • not because you should beat your husband over the head that he shouldn’t do such things…
          • its because the lure is that great, God is saying, I get that sex is that vital to you, I need to remind you though that it’s not worth it
          • in Proverbs it even says adultery destroys a man’s soul
      • but God gives us the antidote to sexual temptation…get a wife
        • so she can fulfill your drive for intimacy
        • Prov 5:19
          • Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love.
        • be satisfied by your wife
      • let me remind you how powerful sex is
        • the wisest man in all the earth was brought down but it’s lure
          • he had hundreds of wives and stopped following the true God because it
          • God understands how powerful sex is…
      • rest of Prov 5:19
        • may you ever be intoxicated with her love.
    • let your love making be intoxicating
  • question: How to make your sex life exciting
    • question
      • Someone reached out to me via email (something you’re welcome to do at belah@delightyourmarriage.com if you have a question or an idea for a topic or interest in intimacy coaching) with a question:
      • a question he and other pastors “should a couple view porn to learn to make their sex more exciting?” (let me remind you…these were pastor discussing this…you may be shocked and horrified, but lets try to understand how important men who seek to be faithful to their wives…how important wonderful intimacy is to them)
    • how do you make your sex life as exciting as it’s displayed in porn?
      • but it’s not just porn, exciting sex is displayed all over the place
        • you and I both know that exciting sex out-side of marriage is glorified everywhere: from movies to music to advertisements
        • it’s shown as thrilling to
          • flirt with an attractive stranger at the bar
          • hookup with the hottie at a party
          • have sex with the guy you just started dating
      • the message is clear: casual sex with just anyone is hot, steamy, and the most satisfying
        • and that’s what we are fed is an “exciting” sex life
      • but isn’t that sin?
        • I do think it’s sin, I think sex outside of marriage is sin and viewing it is sin. I think God designed it solely for a husband and wife.
      • but, one of the focal missions of DYM, is to empower marriages to live out the oppposite: that actually, love-making in marriage is better and far more satisfying than sex outside of marriage
        • God wants our sex lives to feel exciting and passionate and fun and flirtatious, and holy and supremely fulfilling
        • so how do you make your sex amazing in your marriage?
    • to be clear: having a partner who has an active addiction, is violent or adulterous…those relationships require boundaries (great book Boundaries in Marriage) and I believe would most benefit from therapy
      • another book I was just recommended but am excited to dive into: The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope by Leslie Vernick
    • Well what IS an exciting sex life?
      • I think there could be a variety of answers, maybe its
        • Special techniques
        • Variety of places
        • Unusual situations
        • Sex appeal
        • Specific or unique positions
        • But, I think the most important is: the sexual freedom of a wife
          • I think the best way of explaining that is a woman with a confident, seductive, playful and enthusiastic attitude for love making
      • Attitude
        • My resources and coaching focuses on a woman’s sexual freedom and point to it because genuine satisfaction in all the other aspects of amazing intimacy depends on the attitude, in my opinioin
    • Barrier to amazing intimacy
  • Why attitude matters:
  • What your attitude means to your him
    • this attitude thing is certainly not all about him, you’ll enjoy sex far more when you’re sexually free
      • but it may be necessary for you be motivated to take the first steps towards sexual freedom FOR HIM and eventually your enjoyment will grow
        • something has to happen first
    • and he actually feels most pleasure from sex when he sees you’re receiving the most pleasure
  • First lets examine What are your attitudes towards sex?
  • The ideal attitude:
    • he wants you to want to make love to him
    • excited to make love
    • feel sexy and confident in your own body
    • Happy to be seductive
    • playful and enthusiastic about love making
    • love his body
    • variety of positions
    • teasing with your body
    • seducing with planned and spontaneous lovemaking
    • get turned on by the thought of making love to him
    • How to shift your attitude:
      • lets consider these examples again: how do you shift your attitude in other contexts?
        • how can the child shift his attitude?
          • recognize the love, joy and guidance the child receives from you, his parent
          • recognize the value in you, and what he’d miss if you were gone
        • how can the employee shift her attitude about work?
          • Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for people Col 3:23
          • be grateful that this job puts a roof over her head and supplies the food on her table
          • wants to point people towards Jesus based on her enthusiastic and loving demeanor
        • how can you shift your attitude about chores?
          • doing the dishes doesn’t seem so hard when you consider those who don’t have food to eat and thus nothing to clean
      • are you seeing the parallels?
  • Actions
    • Ask for help: prayer
      • Lord I ask you to give me a great attitude about love making to my husband. God help me to crave him physically. Lord help me to change in this area so I can love him deeper the way you want me to.
    • Aim for pleasure: learn to understand your body and experience deep, true pleasure from sex
    • make yourself happy
    • Apply faith: affirmations-get your body into it
      • I’ll have fun and enjoy myself
      • I am excited to make love to him tonight
      • I love that he craves my body and our intimacy
      • I love the man I married
      • Aren’t I faking it?
        • authenticity many times has to start with faith
          • when was the last time you felt threatened by a stranger until you took a step of faith and said good morning
          • or put a smile on your face at a party until you eventually did feel happy
          • or had to give someone a gift to start liking them
          • or had to will yourself out of the bed to eventually greet a beautiful day that you had to by faith say to yourself was going to be a good day
          • (as much as it’s up to us, we have to decide our moods before we have them)
          • “one of the problems is people listen to themselves more than they talk to themselves”
    • Apply effort: put yourself out there
      • you’ve got to start moving towards how you want to feel
      • you will not feel sexy at first
        • in fact you’ll probably feel silly, ridiculous and it’ll probably be really scary
      • you’ve got to act your way into feeling
  • Remember
    • Only person he and you get to experience this with
    • When you were dating you craved it
    • Pursue your own pleasure–orgasm series
  • So if you’re struggling with the following attitudes shift them to…
  • Again my action items for you:
    • Ask for help: pray
    • Aim for pleasure: learn to understand your body and experience deep, true pleasure from sex 
    • so an enjoyable sex life means that you’re enjoying your life 
    • Apply faith: affirmations
    • Apply effort: change your attitude

 

 

Transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah. Rose.

0:18
Hi there, and welcome. I’m glad you’re joining me. Today’s show is about the most important key to amazing intimacy. Now, this show is very important to me, it is near and dear to my heart near to dear, near and dear to the mission of dy M. But before I go into that, I want to kind of encourage you, if you have listened to the podcast before maybe followed us for a while, we’re about to come up on two years on dy M A show going every single week, on Tuesdays. But it really has gotten me to reflect on the mission of dy M and the work that it’s accomplishing in the world. And I want to just spend time really meditating on what I believe the scriptures are that are the basis for this ministry. And what I think God’s heart is for this work, and how to realign this ministry for that. So if, if you agree with the work of dy M, I would just ask that you would pray for this ministry and pray for me as I discern what God’s saying and I’m fasting and praying about it. And, you know, there, I’m actually being wrecked by this amazing book called you and me forever by Francis Chan. I’ll have it in the show notes. But it is just so vital for us to get a bigger perspective of marriage. Yes, marriage is phenomenal. And God’s heart is for phenomenal marriages. But the purpose behind it is so much greater than we often can imagine. So, so yeah, I want I think God wants to take us deeper in love with him through this ministry. I think he wants to take me and all of us deeper with him. So yeah, I just, I just ask that you would pray? And help me to understand how to how does the what does that look like how to get closer to his heart, and the work he wants to do in this earth? Through the message of great intimacy and marriage? So yes, so aside from that, today’s message is, again, very important, to me, the most important key to amazing intimacy, I’ve got a lot to share. And I think it’s going to be really vital to your marriage and your intimacy. So let’s dive in.

3:03
So I want to talk about what I think is the most important thing for amazing intimacy. So first of all, the question might be why is amazing intimacy important in a marriage? And sex is a lot of things you could say that sex is pleasurable sex, is something that you renew your vows every time you have sex. I’ve heard people say things like that, or let’s you know each other, which all of those things are true. But for me, I think the the most compelling understanding of sex for me is that it unifies, it unifies a couple, I mean, how many times in the Bible does it talk about a man and a woman leaving their father, their mother, and joining together and becoming one flesh? One flesh is a complete unification of one person and another person, and that is what sex does in a marriage. It’s all about everything that you think it is. But again, it’s this unification of husband and wife. So why should sex be amazing? Well, sex is powerful. I mean, how many times does the Bible say, do not commit adultery? Many, many, many times? Do a search. Why does it say that? Well, as a woman, you probably are like, well, because it’s wrong. And you know, obviously, it’s a bad thing. And adultery is is terrible for children and it it makes the woman feel bad about herself and it is a sin. That’s why you can’t commit adultery, and that’s why it says it over and over and over again in the Bible. And I would say as a woman, trying to understand a man’s mind, that it’s not God doesn’t say it over and over and over again. It’s in the 10 commandments. You know, Jesus talks about it. I mean, it’s all over the place. It’s not because it’s easy to do. It’s because the lure of sex is so great that God is saying, I get sex, that I get that sex is vital to you, young man. And I need to remind you, over and over and over again, that outside of marriage, it is not worth it. It is not worth it. In Proverbs, it even says that adultery destroys a man’s soul. But God in His grace gives us the antidote of sexual temptation. Get a wife, right? That’s what Paul says, so that you are not tempted, you should get a wife you should get married. You know, basically, the point is that she so that she can fulfill your drive for sex drive for sexual intimacy. Proverbs 519 says, let her breasts satisfy satisfy you always, may you always be captivated by her love. So so that’s the that’s the vision. That’s the that’s the point that you would be satisfied by your wife. But again, let me remind you, dear wife, how powerful sex is. Do you remember Solomon, if you’re familiar with the Bible, King Solomon was asked by God when he was a young king, that he could be given anything he wanted in all the world, or anything, maybe outside of the world, in fact, and God would give it to him. And this young man asked God for wisdom. And so God smiled upon that request and gave him wisdom. So he ended up being the wisest man in all the earth. And, you know, kings and rulers and queens even would come from all lands and all different places to, to, to come to this, this wise king and be counseled by him. Now, what ended up happening is this man who even wrote Proverbs, and Proverbs is considered even by non Christians to be an incredibly wise book. Here’s the wisest man and yet, he ended up having hundreds of wives like literally, I can’t even remember how many but I think almost into the 1000s, because he had hundreds of wives like 400 or 700, maybe, and 300 concubines, I think and, and then he had maid servants or something like that, like he just, it was insane. His sexual, I guess, appetite or, or whatever, he just let loose. And you know, with all of his riches and power, he just did all of all of that, and,

7:58
and he ended up stopping following God, and followed. They’re his wife’s gods. And, again, he was the wisest man. I mean, he had every, every reason not to do that. And yet he completely missed where God wanted him to go. Because of sex, right? I want to just read to you the last part of Proverbs 519, it first of all, again, says, let her breasts satisfy you always, may you always be captivated by her love. And then it says, May you be ever intoxicated with her love? That’s another version, may you ever be intoxicated with her love. So I think it’s just a powerful reminder that our love making our sexual intimacy with our spouse is to be intoxicating. It is not to be half hearted, or, you know, whatever. But it’s supposed to be that kind of, of experience in your marriage. Now, I received a question a little while ago, someone reached out to me via email, you’re welcome to do that as well. My email is belah at delight your marriage.com That’s B E L A H, at delight your marriage.com if you have a question or an idea for a topic or an interest, or maybe you’re interested in intimacy coaching with me, I do that as well. But anyway, you’re welcome to reach out to me via email. The question he had for me was, should a couple view porn to learn to make their sex more exciting. Now, this was a husband and I want to talk about his question a little bit before I talk about my answer. So the question is, you know, should they view porn, right, but The point of his question is, how do you make your sex life as exciting as its displayed in porn? But what I want to say is, is that it’s not just porn. I mean, I know that, you know, the knee jerk reaction is porn is wrong, porn is bad. But honestly, you and I both know that exciting sex outside of marriage is glorified everywhere, from movies, to music, to advertisements, even walking down the street, I mean, in scandalous clothing, it’s just shown as this thrilling experience to flirt with an attractive stranger at the bar, hook up with that hottie at a party, or have sex with the guy you just started dating. The message is clear, casual sex with just anyone is hot, steamy, and the most satisfying. And that’s what we’re fed is that isn’t exciting sex life? So the question you probably are asking in your head, but isn’t that sin? Well, I do think it’s sin. I think sex outside of marriage is sin. And I do think viewing it is sin. I think God designed it to solely be for a husband and wife. But one of the focal missions of dy M is to empower marriages to live out the opposite, that actually love making in marriage is better and far more satisfying than sex outside of marriage. God wants our sex life to feel exciting, and passionate, and fun and flirtatious and holy and supremely fulfilling. So how do you make your sex amazing in marriage? To be clear, having a partner who has an active addiction is violent or adulterous? Those relationships, believe I believe require boundaries. A great book is boundaries in marriage. And I believe those situations would definitely benefit from therapy. So I am not talking about those kinds of unhealthy relationships, I think you need help, I’m not sure if you can take the advice that I’m giving, without having boundaries appropriately in place so that you’re in a safe place where it’s not a hostile environment for you. But if you are in a marriage, that that is healthy, that, you know, maybe there’s friction, maybe there’s tension and that kind of thing. But I believe sex is a vital piece, a great sex life is a vital piece to what God wants for us, in our marriage and in our life, and ultimately, what he wants for us to be doing for the kingdom.

12:47
So I think the question has to be asked and answered, what is unexpected, exciting sex life? I think there are a variety of answers, maybe it’s special techniques, a variety of places, unusual situations, maybe sex appeal, or specific or unique positions. There’s a list you could think of probably of what is exciting. But I think the most important is the wife’s sexual freedom. I think the best way of explaining that is a woman with a confident, seductive, playful, and enthusiastic attitude for lovemaking. My resources and coaching focuses on a woman’s sexual freedom, and to point it to point to it because genuine satisfaction and all the other aspects of intimacy depend on this attitude, in my opinion. So, you know, all the positions and the, you know, beautiful curves and the different places that you might have sex are the different ways. I think it all has to happen upon this kind of a sexual free, sexually free attitude that I’m going to talk more about. But that is ultimately, what is the most important key to an amazing sex life. So let me talk a little bit about the biggest barrier to amazing intimacy. Here it is, I think, I think it’s wives thinking that exciting sex is wrong, nasty, or sinful, or all of those. So if you’re like how I was, what the world’s messages told me, compared to my faith, they it told me that being sexy was sinful. I thought that if I acted like or looks like women who were engaging in that kind of sin, that I was also sinning, and that my husband was sinning for one wanting that from me. So it was pretty life changing for me to discover that men are attracted to sexually exciting things. Because God made them to be attracted to it. It wasn’t an accident that God made them with a penis that gets aroused at sexual visuals. God designed it that way. But as excited, as exciting as it may be, sex outside of marriage is a counterfeit of what God designed his people to experience in the enclosure of marriage. Again, God made the things for his people. Yes, even those things that are displayed in the wrong context. He made them for his people he wants his people to enjoy in the privacy and intimacy and depth of love and surrender and sacrifice of their marriage. Pornography is a counterfeit. Your sex life is the real fulfillment of God’s design. When you are making love to your husband, with desire, anticipation, zeal, excitement, readiness, seduction, abandonment, sacrifice, pleasure, strength, you are not sinning. You are the real deal. The other is fake. And it is sin. But you are what God intended it to be your intimacy is real. And just because right now, you might have to fight the feelings that what you’re doing is wrong. Keep fighting. Because eventually you’ll get to a place where you’ll start to believe that God made awesome and exciting intimacy for your marriage. Because the enemy wants the counterfeit to rob your marriage of the freedom and enjoyment God desires for you and for your husband. Why? Why does he want to rob this? Why does he want you to think it’s nasty and sinful and wrong. Because the enemy wants to weaken your husband, the enemy can take him out with the shame of his lust. The enemy can take him out with an addiction to pornography, the enemy can take him out with with sin. That’s that’s ravaging his mind with this desire for anyone other than his wife because his wife isn’t performing. That’s not what God wants. God wants the excitement in your marriage.

17:55
Again, you are the real deal. You’re amazing intimacy is real. And the rest is counterfeit. To reiterate, I think women get tripped up with the notion that if they’re engaging in exciting sex, whether it’s positions seduction attitude, that they’re sinning, because it reminds them of the sin they witnessed in other sinful contexts, like pornography, like bad movies like, you know, negative, sinful situations you understand, but the real amazing intimacy, your real exciting sex life cannot compare to the counterfeit. Your sexual freedom in marriage is true. And it will never compare. But I want to try to understand this better. I’m going to give just a little illustration here. I remember buying this beautiful piece of jewelry at the beach years ago. And it was one of those cute jewelry stores and I bought this ring and I actually had it on my ring finger. And it was beautiful. It was silver. It was shiny. It was elegant. I really liked it. But it broke within the month. And the reason why is it wasn’t real. It was It wasn’t authentic. And though it looked like what I wanted, it wasn’t worth much. Then years later, I received an engagement ring. From the love of my life. Now the father of my children and my best friend. And that ring is gorgeous to me. It’s precious to me. It means the world to me, it is real. It doesn’t break. It signifies a life that I love. It has so many memories. It has been so many places with me it is gorgeous to me. No other ring even stands close to what pleasure this one gives me. But they’re both rings. They were both shiny. They both looked similar, and they were both enjoyable to me because I’m someone who likes RINGS. But one was real and it’s infinitely better and more satisfying. Then the fake one. So the excitement of sex by the world standards will really never compare to the genuine passion in your marriage. But robbing your husband of the excitement in in an intimacy, the intimacy God designed him to enjoy is not okay, because you think you are acting in a way that is reminiscent of the fake ring. So that’s just a little bit of, I think what the biggest barrier and it was, for me at least, to have sexual freedom to really feel a positive, wonderful attitude about sex. So why does attitude matter? Why does attitude about your sex life about intimacy with your spouse? Why does that even matter? If he’s at least, you know, having an orgasm on a regular basis? Or, you know, whatever, like, Isn’t that enough? Well, no, it’s not enough. We all know that attitude is vital. But we rarely name it as such, let’s give some examples. Your child gives you a gift, you want him to want to give it to you with a good attitude, don’t you, or you’d really rather not receive it at all. Another example, a boss, who has an employee who seems reluctant to do her responsibilities, is surely not going to be promoted. But the one who is eager and enthusiastic, it absolutely will rise the ranks quickly. Another example, when you have a bad attitude about doing chores, the chores seem much more laborious, and they take much more effort. But when you change your attitude, suddenly they don’t seem so bad. Here’s an example that I did recently is, when I don’t want to do the dishes, I set a timer on my computer, five minutes, and I try my hardest to get those dishes done in five minutes. So it makes it a game. And suddenly I’ve got a new attitude about it. And it’s really fun. So your attitude is vital. And you know that in all these other situations, your attitude behind something is actually more important than the actions themselves. Think about it. Whenever an action is taken by someone else. If you don’t think that it’s genuine and positive, you would rather them not do it. Think about just anything, if they give you a gift, and it’s not genuine, if they if they hold the door for you, and they have a pouty attitude about it, if they, you know, ask you to, you know, give you a compliment, and it’s not, doesn’t have a good attitude behind it, you don’t even want it.

22:41
Now, this attitude thing is certainly not all about him. You’ll enjoy sex far more when you’re sexually free. But it may be necessary for you to be motivated by what it means to him, first of all, in order to take those first steps. And eventually your enjoyment will grow. So let’s examine what are your attitudes towards sex? Is it I’ll just endure it so we won’t fight. He’s being selfish. It’s all about him. It takes too much time. I’m too tired. I’m not turned on. I don’t get any pleasure from it. It’s not worth the work I have to put into it. Or it’s a bargaining chip. If he’s good, he’ll get sex. Maybe you feel like it’s your duty your chore to get done. Maybe you take it for granted. It’s just a routine. Maybe you do it just to keep him happy. Now any of these may fluctuate or change on a daily basis depending on lots of different factors. But some of these are patterns for you. And it’ll take some intentional work for you to change them. So I want to kind of just touch on how important sex is to your husband. We talked about it on the outside of the show. But really, your husband doesn’t approach you for sex lightly. It’s not just a game for him. It’s what makes him feel like a man. He has had that thing between his legs, all his life, all his life. He has been waiting to use it. That is not an understatement. Every man has about 11 erections every day. And there’s different reasons for erections. It’s not all sexual, sometimes random, sometimes reflexive, if it’s, you know, bumps up against something. Sometimes if he has to pee, I mean there’s different reasons for it, but every time he gets one he would like to use it. Can you imagine a lifetime of that kind of reminder constantly. I he finally has his outlet, which is you. And he’s rejected over and over again. I mean, that is his heart. He desires intimacy with you. He wants to feel loved and his most inner being, and that is it. He wants that from you, because you’re, you’re his, you’re the one that’s going to make him feel loved in the same way, that he is the only one that can really touch your heart. When he says, How are you doing? And he means it. And he listens to you, and cares about what’s going on in your heart, and you melt because no one else can touch you as deeply as him. I mean, that’s what you’re doing for your husband, when you engage in sexual intimacy with a good attitude. Again, if he had a bad attitude, asking you about your day, you know, sometimes sometimes sitcoms, thanks that’s so funny to make fun of the fact that women talk so much or whatever. And

26:12
it’s not funny, it’s incredibly hurtful. Because, yes, we want to share our lives with our spouse. That yes, that is, that’s our hearts that you’re laughing about. So, so, again, you want your spouse to want to desire to love you, the way that you feel loved, you know, depending on what your love language is, that’s different for every person. But the way that you receive love that, you know, there’s more of a general there’s love languages, which are different for people, but there’s more of a general, like male and female, feeling loved. And, you know, for women, a lot of times it’s being taken care of, you know, in all avenues that that means whether it’s being taken care of, you know, feels like he’s protecting the family or providing for the family or, or just wisely leading the family or, you know, having your full attention and caring about what’s going on in your life. I mean, being cherished, cherishing the wife is, those are just kind of our, our deep, deep, deep desires have our husbands, and the husband, you know, deeply desires to be respected. And part of his lovemaking drive, he wants to be respected in that desire. So if you shame him or make him feel bad about the ways he approaches you, or his desire for you, it’s knocking his sense of self, it’s knocking who he is, as a man. I mean, think about it. If he didn’t have a penis, he would not feel like a man. And you probably wouldn’t feel like he was a man either. I mean, that is vital to who he is as a person, his identity. So yes, sex is important. Yes, sex is vital. Yes, Your attitude is vital. And amazing sex starts with your attitude starts with you. Becoming the woman sexually free in the bedroom, starts with your attitude. So let’s talk a little bit about I mean, what is the kind of attitude he wants, like what is ideal, we talked about all the places we might be now, as women, and I’ve been there, I’ve absolutely been there. Sometimes I’m there. Now, you know, and I’ve got to re adjust where I’m coming from. And I’m going to get to some of the absolute strategies to do that in a little bit. But let’s talk about the ideal attitude. He wants you to want to make love to him. He wants you to be excited to make love. He wants you to feel sexy, and confident in your own body. He wants you to be happy to seduce him. He wants you to be playful and enthusiastic about making love. He wants you to love his body. And most of all, love his member. He wants a variety of positions. He wants a variety of views of you. He wants you to tease his body. He wants you to tease him with your body. He wants to be seduced, maybe planned, maybe spontaneous, maybe both the different times. He wants you to get turned on at the thought of making love with him. So how do you shift your attitude? How do you become a woman who has that attitude? Let’s consider those examples again. How can a child shift his attitude about giving their parent a Gift? Well, he can think about the love, the joy, the guidance that that child receives from his parent. He can recognize the value in his parent and what he’d miss, if that parent were gone? Or what about how can an employee shift her attitude about work? Well, maybe she could look at the scriptures, and find in Colossians, 323, whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for people. She could be grateful that this job puts a roof over her head and supplies the food on her table. She could desire to point people towards Jesus based on her enthusiastic and loving demeanor. How can you shift your attitude about chores? Well, doing the dishes doesn’t seem so hard when you consider those who don’t have food to eat, and thus nothing to clean?

31:04
You know, can you see the parallels here? I want you to work at shifting your attitude, this is not going to just happen. I have too many women that I work with that think I just I’m going to you know, the switch is going to be flipped and suddenly I’m going to be the sexual tygris In the bedroom. And that’s what I thought before I got married, I really did. I thought that if I saved myself for marriage, I would become this wild, wonderfully sexual being. And it just doesn’t work like that. You know, some women, granted, maybe they do, maybe they just need to be unleashed. And it just comes out. And great. I you know, they’re probably not listening to this podcast, because they’re all set. But for me, I had to really train myself, I had to train myself one uncomfortable action after one uncomfortable action, after one uncomfortable action. And eventually, my heart changed. Eventually, I bet it became natural. Eventually, I loved this new attitude. I loved being sexually free. It was so fun, to be unified with my husband, that we are together in this pursuit of God, that we are unified that the the silly little arguments stopped because we just are on the same page. We’re on the same team. We are united. We love each other. We sacrifice in the bedroom, and it pours out on the outside of the bedroom. We We love those things. And yes, I will never be a man, I will never love sex as much as my husband. It’s I just won’t I think there are women that really have a higher drive. They’re in their house. I mean, really, I know there are but I’m not one of those women, I will always it will always be something that I certainly have amazing experiences with him. But a lot of times, it’s an act of the will to become the woman that I need to be to have the sexual intimacy to have the amazing love life that we enjoy. So what can you do? What are the actions you can take? First one, ask for help. We can’t do this alone, ladies. We need God. We need God to help us. It is scary. You know it’s scary. It is not easy to look silly and uncomfortable and all these things you know, to think that you’re making a fool out of yourself or doing something uncomfortable. I get it. I’ve been there. I still get there. Sometimes it depends on different things but ask for prayer. Just something simple, you know, but consistently, Lord, I asked you to give me a great attitude about lovemaking. So my husband, God helped me to crave him physically. Lord helped me to change in this area so I can love him deeper the way you want me to ask God for help. And thank God for your husband, thank God for making him the way that you made him. The next one is aim for pleasure. To have the best sex you have to be enjoying life. You may remember on this podcast a while ago but it was said it was set I’m trying to think of the lady that said I’ll think of it and have it in the shownotes but men get turned on by something they see. Women get turned on When they feel good about themselves, and I think it’s so true, you know, I noticed when I have eaten too much, and I feel kind of blocked. I am not interested in sex. Are you kidding me? I want to, you know, feel bad about myself and sit on the couch or something ridiculous. So when you’re making sure that you are feeling good, you are much more willing to make make love. And, you know, you might be thinking well, Oh, great. One more thing to add to my to do list make myself happy. But I’m not asking you to add more to your life. Isn’t that what you want? Anyway? You want a grateful heart, a peaceful life, a joyful exuberance and vibrancy for life? Isn’t that what God says Rejoice in the Lord always again, I say rejoice. He wants you to enjoy your life, he wants you to be excited about what he’s doing in your life. So yes, make sure you are enjoying the pleasure of life.

36:04
I believe that a big piece of happier life really consists in making more space in your life about for what matters means taking away the things that’s clogging up the space in order that you can have real enjoyment. So some things that will help you become more happy, I would encourage you to take away others, or your own expectations of perfection, that just doesn’t matter. Or how about the desire to do everything for everyone? If anyone asks you, you say yes, take that away. It’s nonsense. It’s not what God asks you to do. How about the concern that you have to do everything by yourself, and you don’t ask for help or you, you think it all has to be done by you. Or maybe you take away things that stress you, you try to identify what they are, and try to take them away. You know, maybe the kids don’t need to be in ballet and soccer and painting. Maybe they can just do one thing at a time. And you don’t have to drive all over the place all the time. Maybe you can do a little less. Yeah, so one discipline our family really enjoys, and it is a discipline, but we make space for a rest day, every week. It’s something our church really emphasized. And it’s been life changing for us. But we believe that, you know, we should take God at its word that, you know, he wants us to rest. And yes, it’s in the 10 commandments. And in the Old Testament, God made the world and then he rested. So he could enjoy the good work that he did. But also, he I trying to say it’s also in the New Testament about rest. So I just encourage you to, to focus on that if you’d like. But, you know, on that day, we don’t do work, we do nothing that stresses us, I actually keep my phone on airplane mode. So I don’t have texts or emails or social media. We just enjoy ourselves as a family, we pray journal, relax, make sure I take time for for knowing God knowing his heart, who he is, you know, enjoying life enjoying what he’s given us enjoying the actual good gifts that He has given us. And, you know, because I we’re enjoying so much we have the best sex on those days, we really enjoy who we are together, we have more time because we’re not rushing from one thing to the other. And it’s not a stress, it’s it’s a joy. So again, just to emphasize aim for pleasure. That’s the second action step I’m telling you to do. And the next one is apply faith. So, affirmations get your body into it. These are things that you say to yourself, preferably out loud, maybe in the bathroom before you do it. Or maybe when you’re walking, sometimes I’ll do it when I’m outside or whatever. But affirmations like, I’ll have fun and I’ll enjoy myself or I’m excited to make love to him tonight. I love that he craves my body and our intimacy. I love the man I married. I love his desire. I love making love to him. These are things that you have saved to yourself. These are things you discipline yourself to say you apply your faith. So you might ask me, Well, aren’t I faking it? Well, let me tell you authenticity, authenticity many times has to start with faith. When was the last time you felt threatened by a stranger until you took a step of faith and said good morning. Suddenly they’re smiling. Suddenly, you might even have a conversation. But if you didn’t take that step of faith, you would never have gotten there. Never. Or how about you put us smile on your face at a party until eventually you were having a good time you did feel happy, because you took that step of faith and you smiled. You try to have a good time?

40:14
Or how about the time that you had to will yourself out of bed to eventually greet a beautiful day that you had to by faith, say to yourself, it was going to be a good day. Right? How about taking out the key out of your purse, sticking it in the car, and turning the ignition so that your car turned on? Right by faith, you took the key and put it in the ignition? Right? We have got to apply our faith. So affirmations is a great way to get your body into it. Get yourself in the mode, I’ll have fun, I’ll enjoy myself. I’m so excited to make love to my husband, my body craves having sex with my husband, these are all things I say to myself. Even now, it gets better and better for me, the more I believe it’s going to get better and better for me. Again, this is after I’ve prayed this is after I’m enjoying my life. This is also with affirmations, it’s a vital piece. And then the last action step is apply effort. Put yourself out there, you have got to start moving towards how you want to feel, you’re not going to feel sexy at first. In fact, you’ll probably feel silly, even ridiculous, it’ll probably be really scary. But you’ve got to act the way you want to feel. So again, apply effort, put yourself out there, he is the safest person to feel silly in front of I know it’s scary, I have been there, I have been there, but put yourself out there. So kind of To sum up, I want to say remember, he is the only person or you are the only person he and you get to experience this with. And remember when you were dating, you craved it. Right? Um, here are the action steps once again. Ask for help. Pray about your sex life. Ask God for help. The next one is aim for pleasure. Learn to understand your body and to experience it to understand true pleasure for for sex yourself. And make yourself happy in this life. Enjoy life. So the second action is to aim for pleasure for your own pleasure. Third thing is to apply faith. That’s affirmations get your body into it. And the last one, number four is apply effort. Put yourself out there. So I really believe that this is the key to having the best sex life to having amazing sex. And again, I believe that’s what God wants for your marriage. Don’t sell yourself short. Don’t rob your marriage of what God wants for it. But take the steps pray about it.

43:20
Work on enjoying it yourself. Apply faith. Get some affirmations out there, get some working done in your heart. And then apply effort put yourself out there. Now this journey, you don’t have to do alone. You know it’s a journey, it’s not going to be instantaneous. It’s going to take time it’s going to take effort, it’s going to be a process but but give yourself time be patient with yourself. You’ll get there. I know you will. But again, you don’t have to do it alone. I do coaching this is kind of my favorite thing to work on with people because I’ve been there. So extremely. And I know you can get free of this. I love seeing women become sexually free and enjoying it. And I’d love to do coaching with you feel free to go to delight your marriage.com Click on coaching with Bella and and you can find out more about that email me if you have any questions. I do have a discount for February, you can get 20% off. So again, reach out to me. And we can go from there. The other thing is I have delight your husband video course which I would really encourage because basically it is teaching you the mindset of how to love your husband. It’s a it’s a pretty robust course there’s a lot of Scripture based understandings of how God sees sex and sees your husband’s body and why sex is so vital in God’s creation. I mean you know it’s important in our culture you know, everyone’s obsessed with it, but why does it matter? Just the way God sees your sex life and then delight your husband goes into oral sex we I talk about teaching you what it’s like what your husband’s body is like how to really make him wild in the bedroom? How do you make sure that your husband is the most prepared to do what God wants him to do? And I guess I want to end with that. The Well, let me just say the reason I talk about oral sex, I call it Penny, because I don’t like the other words that the world has for this intimate wonderful experience between a husband and wife. But I think Penny is something that the the world really makes us women think is nasty and wrong. And again, if you if you feel comfortable with Penny, if you understand how your his body works, and you have a great attitude about it, and you understand and love to enjoy penny with your husband, you have an amazing sex life, because that’s the foundation I mean, you you’re good with everything else, you have the variety, I mean, you’ve got the confidence, you’ve got everything you need, if you get how to do Penny. So that’s why I focus in on that I think there’s not enough resources that focus on Penny, I think that I get too many emails that from husbands that say, you know, I so wish that my wife would take your course, because it’s just such a part of their heart or their hearts, husbands want their wives to desire their bodies, it is such a vital part of their hearts. So again, I wanted to close with this, I wanted to say, I started out with a you know, I’m reading this wonderful book, you and me forever, and he’s really talking about people get married, and then they focus on how to make each other happy. And then that’s the end. It’s just, you know, they think that they left, you know, lived this life for God because they didn’t fight over, you know, how you rolled the toilet paper? Like, what is that what God wants for our marriage? Really? And I agree with this guy. Absolutely. That’s nonsense. Why? Why is our standard so low? Like we we didn’t get divorced for 30 years, then it suddenly that’s something to clap about. I mean, that is great. That is something to clap about. But how much more does God want for our marriages? He wants us to be doing his kingdom work in the world? I mean, how much is needed in this world of Jesus? That’s what we’re doing here, isn’t it? We call ourselves Christ followers. Are we disciples of Jesus? Are we following him? Are we doing his work in this world? So you might be like, Well, what does that have to do with an exciting sex life?

47:43
And I think it really does. I think that sin is a distraction from God’s work in this world. Sin distracts us from what God wants us to do. And sex is everywhere in our culture, and your husband is wired to be attracted to sex. It’s it’s absolutely wired in who he is. And so yes, I think that God wants you to have an exciting sex life. I think he wants you to fulfill your husband, to make him intoxicated with your love. Yes, he has to turn his eyes away from the adulterous lusts all over the place. But I think as a wife, you can cause him to, to, you can help him you can support him, you can love him, you can be his helpmate in walking the straight and narrow that God wants him to walk. You know, it even says in the Bible. I don’t have the reference right now. But it says, you know, if the husband is not a Christian, that she could win him over by her reverence for the Lord, and her submission and service to her husband. I mean, that’s powerful. Like we, as women have such an opportunity to love our husbands well, by doing this work, we don’t know how much it matters to them. We just don’t, we don’t get it. But I believe that God wants us to love our husbands, to love them, to give them the opportunity to truly be intoxicated by our love. And that’s what I want for you. That’s what I want for your marriage because I want you to get on with the kingdom work. And every time you make love, to feel free, to be able to be truly and utterly unified with your spouse, a true and deep oneness with your spouse so that you can do God’s work, so that you can bring more people to the kingdom, not just so you won’t fight as much, you have so much more that God wants for you. So be sexually free Well, I know you can do this. This is not out of your reach my sister, you can do this. Once again, ask for help pray about it. Aim for pleasure. Learn to understand your own body and enjoy your life. Apply faith, get some affirmations that you say out loud to yourself and then apply effort. Put yourself out there do that scary silly things that are really going to get you to the place of sexual freedom. Well, thank you so much for listening. I’m so grateful that you took some time with me today. I’m praying for you. I’m praying for your walk with God. Most importantly. And I hope that you come back next Tuesday. We’re going to be continuing our orgasm series. So come back and learn more about female orgasm. All right. I love you. I’m praying for you. And yeah, have a good week. Spend time with Jesus this week. Talk to you soon.

51:15
Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion.

 

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