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Peace is a vital element to the life God wants for us. If you have strife in your marriage, I have been there and I pray this will give you hope and tools to get it turned around. These are the keys I’ve learned that have made my marriage so much more peaceful than I ever would have imagined.

What You’ll Discover:

  • 1- Relationship with God should be where you get your meaning, worth and fulfillment
  • 2- Free Choice
  • 3- Prize Peace, peace is more important than most things
  • 4- Understand & Point out Each Other’s Strengths-
  • 5- Be slow [and quiet] in responding
  • 6- Be inconsistent & be ok with it
  • 7- Appreciate the small things
  • 8- Compliment in the direction you’d like him to grow
  • 9- Seek first to understand then to be understood
  • 10- Sex is a big deal

 

Tweetables:

  • Your worth and fulfillment cannot come from your spouse. It has to come from God.
  • You can’t control other people, you can only control yourself.
  • Love cannot blossom if there’s not free choice.
  • Recognize that peace is more important than most things.
  • “A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do. He may as well concern himself with his shadow on the wall. Speak what you think now in hard words, and to-morrow speak what to-morrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said to-day.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

Resources:

 

Love,

Belah

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General Outline:

 

  • 1-
    • Relationship with God should be where you get your meaning, worth and fulfillment
      • has to be more important than your marriage
      • the state of your marriage will never trump the state of your connection with God
  • 2-
    • Free Choice
      • boundaries
      • boundaries is knowing what you’re responsible for and understanding what others are responsible
      • you can’t change others, you can only change yourself
      • your job is not to control others, and have appropriate consequences so others can’t control you
      • love can only blossom in freedom
      • God gave us free choice
  • 3-
    • Prize Peace, peace is more important than most things
      • let go of most things
        • part of that choosing not to control is letting go…its scary
      • choose to be easy going
      • ask yourself: is it worth it?
      • practice saying to your spouse “Whatever you think”
      • I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
  • 4-
    • Understand & Point out Each Other’s Strengths-
      • not focus on the differences but how you compliment each other, you’re weak where he is strong and vice versa
      • Decide to defend your spouse’s confidence and self esteem
      • Stop the competition
      • Stop making fun of your spouse
  • 5-
    • Be slow [and quiet] in responding
  • 6-
    • Be inconsistent & be ok with it
      • be willing to be wrong one moment and right the next and right one moment and wrong the next
      • non of us are perfect
      • your spouse knows you’re not even if you think they didn’t realize it
      • Make it into a joke
      • feel free to call your spouse right
  • 7-
    • Appreciate the small things
      • Fill the gaps with gratitude and compliments
      • give him a reputation to defend
      • The small things make up the big things matter
  • 8-
    • Compliment in the direction you’d like him to grow
      • give him a reputation to defend
  • 9-
    • Seek first to understand then to be understood
      • Communicate using numbers 1-10
  • 10-
    • Sex is a big deal
      • Understand what sex means to him

Trancript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah rose.

0:18
Hello, and welcome. I’m glad you’re here. Thank you for joining me. I’m not sure if you’ve been here before, but if so, we always do a solo show, that’s you and me chatting together about a topic that really matters to your marriage. We also do a topical discussion where we discuss a topic with a wife or intimacy expert that specifically talks about intimacy in marriage, or another specific conversation that we have. And then there’s the last type of interviews that we have are called Journey interviews, part one and part two, where we go deep into a wife’s journey and find out the struggles, the hardships and the the times that God brought her out of and what she learned along the way, sometimes we have women that have been married 30 plus years, and how they’ve survived and what they’ve learned from it. So that’s what dym is all about is really giving you the inspiration, and empowering you to live according to God’s word, according to His Spirit in your marriage. And, and having those keys. So today is along those lines, is focusing on the 10 keys to a peaceful marriage. These are keys that I have found most helpful in my marriage, things that I’ve learned, mistakes I’ve made and wish I didn’t. But thankfully, I feel just so grateful that God has taught me a lot of these things. So I’m hopeful that this is something that’s going to really impact you. Because peace is a very important part of the life God wants us to lead. We can get a lot more done when we have peace. You know, a lot of times we should be following our peace with that’s what the way God guides us a lot of times is through with peace. So if you have strife in your marriage, or you’re not able to be quiet enough to even hear from God, so there’s just, there’s a lot of value on having peace. And I have definitely been in a space of strife in marriage. And it is a horrible, horrible experience. So if you’re there, I am praying that this is going to be help to you and hope for you. So let’s dive in.

2:55
So as a woman who has been an extremely stressful, strife filled marriage, I believe I have learned a lot. And I’ve changed a lot. And I’ve grown a lot. And I think I can give just some very helpful advice that I wish I didn’t have to live through in order to attain. But I think it’s very important for us to really just be direct about what are some keys to a peaceful marriage. When I was growing up, I never saw peaceful conflict. I never saw just a lot of helpful habits of marital partners that keeps a relationship peaceful. I didn’t see that at all. I saw stress and strife and lots of clashes, lots of screaming arguments, and just so much difficulty that never was resolved and, you know, broke up eventually after, you know, just a long history of a very negative marriage. And so I think it’s just important to, you know, if you’ve had that experience, maybe you are a child of divorce, or maybe you just kind of want to learn a little bit more, maybe you saw negative models for you as well. I think this is going to be a helpful conversation. Because these I think are very important pieces that I think are foundational to having a peaceful marriage and the way that God wants it to be so. Okay, so the first key, I would say is that your relationship with God should be first and foremost. Now, you might say that’s obvious, the obvious Christian answer, but ultimately, you can do everything right. You can you can take all these keys to heart and take good notes and I hope you do and I hope that this really blesses you but you can do as much as you can. But there still is going to be challenges, they’re still going to be life, they’re still going to be differences of opinion. And, and, and child, it just just life gets in the way. I mean, there’s so much that a marriage has to go through. And you need to not put the weight of your worth and your value, your meaning your fulfillment in this life, it can’t be on your spouse, it has to be on God, he can take it, he can be the one that gives you your worth and your fulfillment, he can do that he can comfort you in the worst storms, He is God, your spouse is not and your spouse should not have that burden, honestly, you know, whether they feel it or not, they shouldn’t have that. Not only burden, but also power to affect you so, so dramatically, because that’s God’s job. So again, your relationship with God has to be more important than your marriage. Okay, so that’s number one. Number two, free choice. What do I mean by that? Well, if you’re in a marriage, that does not allow you free choice, it means that there’s an issue with boundaries. And I don’t know if you know what I mean by boundaries. But there’s a great book series of books called boundaries, I’ll have it in the show notes. But if you think about a house with a yard, right, the fence, let’s say there’s a fence around the yard, the fence indicates what is the yard? What is your property? And what is somebody else’s property. So that fence is the boundary, it says, This is mine, that’s yours. So if you think about that, in your life, it is giving you a clarity about this is my responsibility, this is their responsibility. So their yard is not my yard, and my yard is not their yard. So to clarify what I mean, in real life terms, it means like, you’re not responsible for someone else’s emotions, you’re, they’re not responsible for your emotions, you can’t make other people do things that you want them to do. And they can’t make you do things that you don’t want to do.

7:39
You can’t control other people, you can only control yourself. And so that’s what a free choice in marriage means is that a healthy understanding of boundaries. Now, you might not call it that. But it’s essentially respecting that free choice, that you can say no, and that is respected, that you are not being controlled by someone else. And you are not controlling someone else. Now, there’s definitely different levels to this. I mean, sometimes someone is just clearly being controlled, and it’s, you know, very easy to point out. And the controlled person, you know, feels that tension, you know, maybe they’re constantly on eggshells, and they just feel like they’re not free to make choices in their marriage, and they’re always going to be criticized or, you know, they’ve, they’ve got to make the choice that their spouse wants them to make otherwise they feel like they’re being bad or wrong, and they’re very insecure in their marriage. I mean, that is, you know, kind of, you know, book case, being controlled. And I would, I would call that abuse sexually. And so, you know, the thing about boundaries is that you can only control yourself, so you can make boundaries, so that there’s consequences. That’s kind of a longer discussion that I don’t want to go into right now. But certainly, if you’re in that situation where you’re, you know, being controlled, that’s something you need to pursue help with, you need to get in a good counseling, you need to, you know, there’s some good resources, boundaries, and marriage is a great resource and other great resources, Leslie vernick. I’ll have that in the show notes. But, okay, so that’s kind of the being controlled. The other thing is you might control and you not not even realize it and so for example, can your spouse make their own choices or, or a good indication of if they feel controlled is do they have ambition? Do they take initiative to do things? Do they, you know, have the freedom to, to be creative and to do things they enjoy? That’s kind of litmus test of Do they feel free to make their own choices. And ultimately, it’s something that you just kind of have to check yourself in to make sure you are giving the freedom that you want your marriage to be about. Because God gave us free choice. And love cannot blossom. If there’s control, there no has to be respected, your know has to be respected. And there’s that free choice, I say this as number two in the 10 keys, because everything else that I say if if you’re in a controlling marriage, either one, either side being controlling, it’s really hard to, to put these things in place, because there’s a foundational issue. So just keep that in mind, I think you can benefit from the other ones, even so, but I just wanted to let you know that this is foundational to have that respect of each other’s boundaries. Okay, number three, prize peace. So I just kind of want to mention that. A lot of times we get so hung up on details, and whatever’s going on in our lives, maybe our friendships or our kids activities, or what people think about us, or all these things that we forget some of the things that are most important, and especially with our spouse, you know, all these things are going on. And we forget how important piece is. And that’s what I want to say as prize piece. recognize how important that is, it’s more important important than most things, it’s more important than the color of the wall, I guess we don’t have wallpaper, it’s more important than the color of the paint that you paint on the wall, it’s more important than what kind of dish towel your spouse buys, it’s more important than, you know, the shoes that they trek through the house and put sand all over the place, it’s just more important to have peace. So I really encourage you to let go of most things. I mean, you know, I’ll also mention that this is not easy. This is often scary, because we as women, a lot of times we hold this control over our spouse, you know, we try to get them to not do the things we don’t want them to do. Because it scares us they might

12:34
do you know, we’ve been abandoned too much in our past we’ve, we’ve been hurt by others. And so we we don’t know how to let go and, and allow and allow them to do what they want to do. But I just encourage you to let things go, to allow them to be who they want to be, who they really are, who you fell in love with them to be you didn’t want them to do everything you asked them to do or or told them to do. I mean, that’s not why you fell in love with them when you were being romantic. So, I mean, it relates to the second one that I already said, But let things go prize peace, choose to be easygoing. And that’s hard. But it is a discipline that needs to happen in your marriage that you don’t need to be so high strung. These things don’t need to get you in such a bother. It just doesn’t practice saying to your spouse, whatever you think. So if they ask you what to do, or how to do something, or if you like this or that, certainly, there are times that you can respond. But if there’s a kind of a controlling element that’s been happening, so I’m just explaining from a wife that has been controlling of her husband, maybe she’s been completely unaware I definitely was. But something that you can enact is start saying whatever you think, whatever you think, baby, whatever you think, and that starts to grow his confidence that you’re going to stop controlling him. And he’s going to be able to make his own choices and be more in take more initiative and be more of his own person. If he knows that you’re not going to criticize them, you’re not going to cut him down, you’re not going to you know, pull out the rug from under him when he does make choices because slowly he’s going to start getting that confidence. So again, whatever you think so you might say, Well, I just I can’t be happy, letting things go. There’s just I am who I am. And I like things a certain way. And I know you’re probably listening to nning to this podcast, most of my you know I I talked to a Christian audience. So I’m going to just reference the Bible and explain that you can do it. Because Philippians, four, you probably are familiar with Philippians 413. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. But let me just clarify what he’s talking about. He’s saying I know, it says, I’m not saying this sorry, verse 11, for 411, I’m not saying this, because I’m in need, for I have learned to be content, whatever the circumstances, I know what it is to be in need. And I know what it is to have plenty, I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want, I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. So I just encourage you, you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you, it is not okay, to continue controlling the details of your marriage is bringing strife, it’s bringing

16:11
issues that are happening. And so you know, as a wife, that’s controlling your husband, it’s something that I wasn’t going to go into too much in this podcast, but it absolutely is something you need to take a look in the mirror and find out if that’s something you need to really repent of, and really find out if that’s something that you are struggling with, I would strongly highly, highly suggest a book called surrendered wife. It’s something I read about six months ago now. And it has really changed a lot of the habits that I was having with my spouse and elements that I didn’t realize I was controlling him I, I completely had to surrender. And God really used that book to teach me a lot. And it did bring a lot more peace to our marriage. So I certainly encourage you to pick that one up. Okay, so number four, understand and point out each other’s strengths. So this is something I really love a certain test. I’m not sure if you’ve heard of it, it’s called strength finder. But basically what it is, is 34 strengths. And you could even just find the list online, I’ll have it in the show notes. Find the list online, and just look at it. And think about what might your strengths be and what might your husband’s strengths be. And this is a is just a kind of a framework of thinking about your spouse, even if you don’t look at the list, just realize that there are strengths that are specific to your spouse, and specific to you. So when you think about who you are as a person, God gave you certain strengths. And you’re probably like, oh, yeah, obviously, I’m good at this, and this and this. But if you think about like, more like intrinsic qualities of who you are the way God made you. So some of the examples. I’m one of mine is activator. So I help people change. I like to motivate and encourage change in people. And that was something until I took this test, I struggled with kind of my whole life, I always was kind of pushing the envelope and trying to get groups of people and myself and my friends and my family always wanting to get them to change to the next level. And now Thank God, I have a podcast to pour all that passion into. So my, my family and friends get to have a break. But but the point is until I recognize that strength, I until I recognize that it was a strength. I actually spent a lot of time really hating that about myself, I hated that I always made everyone uncomfortable trying to get things moving, I didn’t realize that this is something I was born with, and that God gave me insight and passion and excitement and, and skill around. So that’s just an example of what your strengths may indeed be. And then it’s also a example of what your husband strengths may be. Right? So if you just think about what his strengths may be, some of them are learner or empathy, or achiever. We’re real relator. So, I mean, there’s just so many but if you kind of just consider your spouse having a bunch of strengths, and if you start to really focus in on those strengths, strengths instead of focusing on the differences, instead of focusing on where they lack focus on, where they are strong, and start to complement him, just start complimenting him on where he’s strong. And think about the two of you together, your strengths are complementing each other. It’s not that you’re different, you are different. But think about how you work as a team, right? You don’t both need to be strong at the same things. In fact, you shouldn’t be otherwise you’d be stepping on each other’s toes. You should be strong, where he’s weak, and vice versa. Um, certainly, there’s going to be overlap. But think about it. In terms of you guys being a team, you guys complement each other. That’s your strengths. So again, stop the competition, you guys are not racing, you guys are on the same team. So if there’s like little snips, here and there of of, you know, well, you should have done this, or I did that or, I mean, sometimes they’re kind of playful. And they start at that you start out kind of team of like,

21:10
I don’t know, if you can kind of understand what I’m saying. It’s just, they start out team of like, Oh, honey, you you forgot to put the groceries back, you always kind of forget things. And I mean, it starts out this team thing, but slowly, it becomes this kind of snippy competition, and it’s, it just needs to stop that needs to really end that culture needs to just kick it discontinued. And the way you do that is focus on the strengths, and just start complimenting each other on the strength. And in fact, give up the competition, like just be like, Ah, you are right, I can’t, I can’t remember things. Honey, you are such, you have such a good memory. I’m so grateful I married you, because I get your memory and mine. Actually, I say that because I have a, I have a pretty bad memory compared to my husband. But if you just start to just say those kinds of things, I remember, we were walking someplace a few months ago, and I had gotten us terribly lost, because compared to my husband, I have no sense of direction I thought I did before we were married. But i Turns out I had a lot to a lot to learn. A lot of lacking, I guess the point is that I had gotten us completely turned around, and he put us on the right path. And we got there pretty quickly. And when we found out where I had gotten us like it would have taken us a very a much shorter time had we just done whatever he said from the very beginning. So the point is, is that by the time we realize that I was like, Honey, thank you for being so smart. I’m so glad I married you. Because the other option would have been us going back and forth angry at each other for for not having listened or if you should have done what I told you to and all this stuff. And it’s like no, just reframe it and be like, Gosh, you’re so smart. So glad we’re on the same team, you are such a good partner, right? Just just flip it around. So I kind of said this already, but just stop making fun of your spouse. They seem tame little comments here and there. But I would just encourage you to do the opposite compliment instead. Okay, number five, be slow and quiet in responding. I just encourage you, so often, we are so quick to respond. And once we get a little hint of irritation or a little offense, we just respond right away. We turn around and bam have something, some retort that really escalates everything. So I would just encourage you to be slow. Just wait, why not? Just wait. They might have just said something. But why? Why does it need to be responded to right then why don’t you give an extra 10 seconds? Shoot, they might apologize before you get a chance to answer Open your mouth. I just encourage you to be slow. And if you’ve been in a household like I grew up, it’s definitely a temptation to raise your voice. And so I encourage you to keep your voice quiet. In fact, intentionally lower your voice. As you start to get upset. Just lower your voice. Be slow and lower your voice. Alright, number six, be inconsistent and be okay with it. So, that might sound a little interesting, but there’s a great conversation I guess. Ralph Waldo Waldo Emerson talks about how essentially, we’re scared. One of the biggest fears of men is being scared of being inconsistent. So we will continue being doing just terrible decision making terrible decisions. Because we don’t want to be inconsistent. We don’t want to say what we did yesterday was a stupid choice. And I’m going to do something different today. We don’t want to do that. So we continue making the bad choices over and over and over again. So I would just encourage you, in your marriage, be willing to say, shoot, I don’t, I don’t even know why I did that. I mean, that was a silly thing. Now I see that I was silly, and I’m going to do something else. I think being silly is something we hate.

25:48
We hate looking silly. You know, we hate embarrassing ourselves, or, you know, our pride just hates that. And I just encourage you, you know, certainly this is a part of humility, but be willing to be inconsistent, be willing to be wrong, one moment, and right, the next or be willing to be right, won’t one moment and wrong the next. None of us are perfect. And your spouse already knows that you’re not perfect, even if you think they don’t realize it, and you have to pretend they know. And so just give it up, just give it up that you are going to be perfect, because you just aren’t. And it’s okay. And you can make it into a joke. And you can, you know, laugh at yourself and be like, gosh, I just yelled, and I’m so sorry. And, you know, that’s not really the way I want to be. And I shouldn’t have said that. And, you know, just just be willing to take it down a notch or just be silly. You know, the other day, I can’t remember what we were talking about. But my husband basically pointed out something that I had said that was in like, that wasn’t I guess it wasn’t true, or I can’t remember exactly. And so I was like, Yeah, babe. Well, I hate to tell you, but I’m a liar. And we just laughed about it. Because I hopefully it was an unintentional untruth. But who knows, I can’t again, I can’t remember the, the, the situation but you know, just make it into a joke. Just let it let it be a little more relaxed. You just don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to have that expectation of yourself, your spouse should not have that expectation of your of yourself. change that culture, in your marriage. Be the first person to be like, Ah, that was silly. You know, you know, how did I think that the other day when I shouldn’t have said that or whatever, just be willing to take that first step. And it is the first step. Like if you have a really tumultuous marriage, and it’s not safe, honestly, to, to do that kind of stuff, or it hasn’t been safe. I would just encourage you to slowly take strides, slowly make things into jokes, slowly laugh at yourself. And I do believe that that’ll change the culture of your marriage, as you make it safer for both of you to have more fun to be more relaxed in arguments even that you don’t have to bring out the knives when you’re, you know, the verbal knives, the rhetorical knives while you’re having an argument, like just take it down a notch, be willing to make things into jokes. Feel free to call your spouse right. Feel free to be like, oh, man, honey, you are right about that. That is what we’re talking about. That is what what will make it not a competition what will make it much more peaceful, to tell your spouse how right they are in the areas that they’re right. Along the lines of that is number seven. appreciate the small things. I think we underestimate the small things of life. I really do. We it’s almost like day by day, we’re waiting for the giant explosion of important things to actually recognize and that’s not what life is about. Life is about little moments over and over and over again. I mean, that’s the way God made it right. Day by day by day. There’s always a sunrise, there’s always a sunset and we get those 16 hours in between to live and and that’s how it goes. We we need to be recognizing the little moments all the time. So what is really vital in our relationship is we fill the gaps that we just fill the gaps with gratitude and complements. So I say fill The gaps is like, when there’s a, when there’s a pause, when there’s, you know, some time that there’s not a whole lot to say, there’s not a whole lot going on that we need to say, but we kind of want to connect. Right? I just find it’s so helpful to fill those times with gratitude, and to fill those times with compliments. So the gratitude might be of my husband, but it also might just be of our life and what God’s given us, it might be about the weather, it might be about our kids, it might be about my work, or

30:37
any any of the good things God has given us, we just, we just fill it with gratefulness. It’s just a constant, it’s just part of, again, the culture of our marriage is to express gratitude all the time. So the other piece of gratitude is specifically towards my husband. So specifically for what he’s done specifically for how he’s loved me or loved our kids, or what he’s done. Again, according to his strengths, I’ll compliment him on an how kind he is to, to our kids, and how good of a father he is. And I say kind because one of his strengths is empathy. And he’s just, he can just put himself in other shoes. So much. I mean, I can’t, I cannot get there not even close. Like, I’ll say something to someone, and I’ll tell him about it later. And he’s like, oh, okay, um, and he finds the right words to tell me that he would have been a little kinder to them, essentially, he would have given, he would have said X, Y, and Z, where again, it didn’t even cross my mind, because I’m thinking about something completely different according to my strengths. So I compliment him on on the ways that I didn’t even think of like, the ways that we’re different. And I’m so grateful that we’re different in those ways, or the projects he does around the house, I’m so grateful that he is so creative, to build the boys bunk bed, for example, and build our bench. And these are all things, you know, initiatives he’s taken and undergone. And I’m so grateful for them. The other piece about that is that you give him a reputation to defend. And so that is the next piece number eight. So it’s kind of, it might sound a little bit manipulative, but I don’t mean it that way. I do mean it in complementing in the direction you’d like him to grow. So this is kind of, this just kind of makes sense in a lot of ways. If you think about someone giving you compliments, let’s say your boss, right, if your boss is telling you, Wow, great job on the way you did X will, then now you’re going to really enjoy what you did with X, you’re going to start really focusing in on that. And, and you can tell I mean, they just keep appreciating the boss keeps appreciating x. So you’re going to really get excited about doing it and continue that. So what I would encourage is how you how you compliment your husband is kind of like, you know, if you want him to take you on more dates, for example, and you’re you know, dissatisfied with that. This is a way to kind of encourage them to grow in this area. So you find something small, you might have to look a little bit but you find something small that they did in this direction. And then you say, gosh, thank you so much for this. You are such a romantic man. So that, again, you’re giving him a reputation to defend. So again, you might have to look for something small. But maybe it’s just that he you know, came to dinner, honestly at the right time. Like, thank you, honey for having dinner with me. I love I love spending this time with you. You always make time for me. Like that might be the first step and then slowly it’ll grow and you will be surprised how quickly it’ll grow because it really does grow. It’s It’s amazing. But if you stop undercutting, if you stop the criticism, if you stop the blows, and you just give the positive things are going to change it probably. I just said it’ll be quick but but if you also think about how long it’s taking you to get the negative culture that you have, if that’s where you are. You have to it’s going to take a while for him to trust that you really mean it. And for a lot of it, you’re going to have to bite your tongue but eventually you’re going to get good at it. biting your tongue, and it will be the norm. And eventually, after you got good at biting your tongue, you start to relax and it starts to get easier for you and more natural for you to actually feel the ways that you are kind of expressing that you do really feel grateful for all of these things. And, again, he’s not stupid, he’s going to test this, he’s going to find out if you really mean it, that you really are grateful for these things that he’s done. And eventually, as you continue to grow in your gratitude, he’ll continue to sense that and it’ll,

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it’ll give him the confidence he needs to make those growth points. So along those lines, keep in mind that his confidence is like, his self esteem, his confidence, really, I mean, you hold it in your hand, the way you look at him, the way you treat him, the way you think about him, is actually in your ability, like you, you change it, you have that power in his life, because you are his wife. So I just encourage you that you give him that reputation to defend you are the one that says, Honey, you are such a provider, you take care of this family, you are a good husband, you have what it takes, you are great at your work, you are a wonderful man of God, like these are things that he needs to hear from you. He needs that self esteem from you, you are his wife. Okay, the next piece is we’re getting to the end is number nine. Seek first to understand then to be understood. Not sure if you’ve heard this phrase before, but it comes from Stephen Covey’s book Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. I read that years ago, but I loved this phrase, because it really focuses in on what we need to do as listeners, we need to truly listen and truly understand where our spouse is coming from. I mean, you can probably agree that most of your arguments with your spouse started over a silly misconception, a misunderstanding, just because you didn’t understand each other, you didn’t truly get what the other person was saying and started this horrible offense. And then the argument ensued. And then both of you had your emotions high, and it just went off the off the tracks from there. So I would just encourage you to really focus in on understanding before you start to form your response. It’s all about understanding your spouse before being understood by your spouse. One thing that my husband and I use that which has been super effective for us, and I wanted to give you as a tool is to communicate using numbers. So sometimes words just don’t get the full point across that it just can’t. There’s limitations. So you might say, I hate the way you correct me in public. Let’s say that’s what the husband says. And the wife’s like, okay, hate. Well, maybe that’s, you know, he hates it like he hates green beans. Or maybe he hates it like he hates murder. Like, how do you figure out what hate means? So what you do is you, let’s say your, your husband says that I hate when you correct me in public, and you’re like, okay, honey, on a scale of one to 10 You know, one being not at all and 10 being the absolute worst thing. What would you say? What do you mean by you hate it. And then let’s say he says an eight or a nine, you know, this is a really big deal for him. And it’s really important that you take note, but if he says, you know, two or three, you can be like, okay, all right, this is something I’ll definitely try to work on. But, you know, at least I know that, you know, this wasn’t like ruining your whole last week because I made this mistake, for example. So you can apply this to lots of different areas, but I just wanted to give you again, that is a tool that you can just use one to 10 Okay, so the last one and you probably have been thinking I was going to start out with this one, but because it’s dy M and we talk about physical intimacy. all the time, I want to just encourage you number 10, sex is a big deal. It really is. So, I encourage you to be very intentional about it be very intentional about your relationship, physically make sure that you are together consistently, that it’s not something you hold as a bargaining chip. It’s not something that you do only when the stars align, and you have, you know, done all your, whatever the heck you need to do before you have sex, and you don’t have

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what I, you know, I’m trying to think of many excuses, it could be that the time works out and you’re not tired and that you’ve showered and you’ve shaved, and this long list of things that have to happen before you have sex, I just say go for it, just have sex, you just need to get unified, you need to get your hearts aligned and physical intimacy. God gave us that for purposes and, you know, as a wife, sex is not as big of a deal for me, as it is for my husband, you might be like me, usually, that’s the case. So I really encourage you to understand your husband’s heart on this really get to know where he’s coming from, and how it’s biblical how God designed him to be wired around sex. You know, it’s funny. I don’t know, if you’ve thought about this before. But when God created men, right, He created Adam, and then eventually we’ve got the Israel has chosen people, right? So but God asked them, he asked of his people to be marked, in one way, just one. And I think it would actually have been a really good idea to cut off your lobes, because everyone can see ear lobes. And it’s very clear, and we don’t need earlobes. And like, you know, it would just be great, it would be the perfect solution, like everyone would know, this is God’s chosen people, because they don’t have ear lobes. And it would be very clear. But God did not do that. He didn’t he chose to mark them. In their sexual organ, their penis, he cut off the foreskin, to say that that that thing that was most important to you, gentlemen, is mine first, that you as men first are committed to me, that that’s what I understand how I made you and created you, young man. And I want that as a sacrifice as a commitment to myself first. So that’s just one example of the way that God how clear it is that God created man sexuality, and that as wives, it’s vital for us to honor it, and to understand it, and then to walk in it. So you know, I have delight your husband, it’s a book, and I have a video course, I walk you through, I take a wife by the hand, and give her all the tools that she needs. The Biblical understanding of sex and you know, maybe you thought it was dirty and gross. And you’re still trying to figure out like how you think about things like that. Maybe you don’t understand his body. And you’re really just insecure about what to do with that thing. And I get it. Or maybe you’re insecure about your body and you’re trying to, you know, learn how to be confident yourself. So it’s really focused on walking you step by step through the process of gaining confidence in the bedroom. And then finally, really understanding how to do some of the very practical things in the bedroom. And, and really getting confident and comfortable. And I’m just incredibly practical. Not enough Christian books are practical enough. So like I said, I mean, this book is really something I wish I had years ago. I wish I wish that I didn’t have to understand a man’s mind through the sinful ways I did. We as Christians shouldn’t have to go to the dark side, the sinful, you know, enemies side to truly understand what God designed as a man to understand, as a man to sorry, as as a wife to understand of her husband of what he thinks about sex and why it’s so vital to him, and so vital in your marriage. And as a wife, again, it’s often an act of the will, you know, they’re certainly certainly things and I talked about in my book that there are things as wives we can do to become more sexually aroused and more interested and enjoy it more. But ultimately, we are not men. And we have to recognize that even though we are not men, sex is still a big deal for your marriage. And sometimes it’s a sacrifice, but it is worth it in your marriage. I had a husband write to me just a little bit ago that said

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that he gave it to his wife for Christmas, and asked her to read it as his only gift was he, oh, sorry, he asked his wife to read it. And that would be his gift for Christmas. So that basically, if she read the book, that was a gift to him, so it’s very smart. And then he wrote in bold letters, all caps, he said, best thing I have ever done. So then he describes all the before and after, like how things have changed. And it’s just been an amazing transformation in their marriage, but very, very cool stuff. So let me go ahead and list out the 10 keys to a peaceful marriage once again. Number one, your relationship with God should be where you get your meaning your worth, and your fulfillment. Number two, free choice you should have freedom to choose in your marriage love can only blossom in freedom. Number three, prize peace. Peace is more important than most things, let most things go. Number four, understand and point out each other’s strengths. Number five, be slow and quiet in responding. Number six, be inconsistent and be okay with it. Number seven, appreciate the small things. Number eight compliment in the direction you’d like him to grow. Give him a reputation to defend. Number nine, Seek first to understand then to be understood, communicating using numbers one to 10 and number 10. Sex is a big deal. Well, thanks so much for listening. I hope that you are encouraged to walk these principles out these keys and that it will result in a much more peaceful marriage. I believe God wants that for you and I believe it is vital to him. Love you. Thank you for joining me next week we are continuing our orgasm series female orgasm. And I encourage you to come back and listen in. God bless you love you talk to you soon.

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