0:02

Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host belah. Rose.

0:18

Hi there and welcome. Thank you. Welcome to the show. If you are new to this series, I am doing a interview with a sex expert and wife about how to orgasm and to enjoy greater sexual pleasure in intimacy. So today I have a wonderful guest, Jay Parker. And we’re going to be talking about learning your own body discovering what feels good to you. So let’s go ahead and dive in

1:00

Hi, there and welcome. Thank you so much for joining me on the delight your marriage podcast. If this is your first time I want to say welcome. This is a safe place to talk about sex and physical intimacy, spiritual intimacy, emotional intimacy, all of the intimacies. Today I have a wonderful guest. This is not her first time this is I think, your third time on the podcast, Jay, is that right? I think that’s right. Yes. Yes. So if you haven’t yet heard Jay Parker’s other episodes, I would encourage you to go back and listen, they’re really great. But, Jay, welcome to the podcast. I’m glad you’re here.

1:34

Thank you. I appreciate you inviting me back.

1:36

Yeah, I’m really glad I mean, every time we just have a great time, and you’ve got so much insight and wisdom that you share. Now, Jay blogs at hot Holy humorous.com. And she’s got a wonderful, just resources galore there. And yeah, I want to kind of start out, Jay, how did you get started with your blog and with your work with helping couples with sexual intimacy.

2:04

I always wanted to say that that I was just eager, I jumped right in, I just knew this is what I want to do. But that would not be true. It was more like I had a personal testimony about this. And I had learned so much about it myself through mistakes and successes and and figuring it out and wanting to really find out what God said about sexual intimacy. And, and then I felt like he tapped me on the shoulder to do something with it. And I was a bit like Moses and saying, No, I don’t think you want me. Maybe I need to go look around for someone else. And finally, I decided to start a blog. And I did so anonymously at the beginning. And I just kind of thought, well, I’ll throw up a post. And now and then and some people will wander by and that’ll be the end of it. And I I had no idea what God had in store. And the thing just grew and grew and grew. And it was great though, because I got to talk about something that I was really passionate about. I’m passionate about passion and marriage. And he’s just blessed me with this platform to talk about this. And I’ve learned even more since I’ve been doing it. And about three years in I just said, You know what I am who I am. And I threw my last name out there and my face and it’s all been good.

3:28

Yeah, that’s awesome. Yeah, I remember that. And, and, and I yeah, I think it’s, it’s wonderful, you know, I do a different name myself. And so it just, it’s a comfort for now, but who knows what, what will happen in the future. So I love that. So today, I really wanted to talk about orgasm. We are that’s kind of the series that we’re in every second Tuesday of the month. We’re talking about orgasm with sexual experts. And so, you know, for for women, right? Generally men don’t have an issue in this area. But for women, can you kind of just start us off by explaining why you think it’s why do you think it’s difficult for women quite often?

4:15

I think there are several reasons difficult for women. One is that there’s such an emotional component for us. It’s, there’s not just the physical sensations, but so much of our sexuality is in our heads, it’s in our hearts, and we have to feel like our entire selves are there. That’s not to say that men are not entirely invested emotionally and spiritually and relationally. There. But in the actual moment, I think that they’re able to attend strictly to the to the physical sensations better than we are. So we have so much there also, we have so many things complete competing in our brains. Because we’re multitasks or taskers that serves us in so many other ways. It’s a challenge though in the marriage bed because You know, I think most of them want to relate to the feeling that you’ve got several things going on in your head in the moment, not just the pleasure, and how everything’s feeling. You’re also maybe even if it’s related to the sex, you’re thinking about what your body looks like, what noises you’re making, you know, what’s your facial expression is doing? Or you’re thinking beyond that, you’re you’re thinking, Well, you know, I sure hope the kids are still asleep. Did I leave the oven on? It’s just, there’s a concentration issue there too, for us. And that’s in addition to all that the physiological challenges that we can have, which are things like, maybe we’re not lubricating enough, and we have our different times of the month where we’re more receptive to those things.

5:46

Yeah, yeah. So you I like that. You said it’s a concentration issue a lot of times. So how would How would a wife kind of approach sex in a way that would help her to be more in in the moment in the present focused on her body? How would she kind of do that?

6:07

Well, I think we, we have to have kind of a sexual event. No, I’m all for quickies. I think that that can be a great thing from time to time in your marriage. But a lot of times, it’s kind of an event for us to really, truly enjoy it like we should, meaning we have to prepare ourselves mentally for it. Maybe that means you schedule it on the calendar, maybe it just means you tell yourself tonight and really see if we can make love. And then you get to thinking about it. And so, you know, whatever we think about is where we draw our concentration. So if we get ourselves kind of started early, we do the things that we know that will help us relax, make sure the kids are in bed, maybe ask him to do the kids bubble bath, or whatever they do. Read their story. Maybe take some time for yourself to put on something that makes you feel good to light a candle or whatever it is that you need to kind of prepare, and, and the end kind of wash out some of those things through the day, let them fall away. And I think that’s sort of the first part. And then when you actually get there is kind of a meditation practice that you’re doing is constantly turning your mind back back back to what’s happening with your body in the moment. Yeah. And that and it’s, it takes a while, I think to learn that for a lot of women. But once you do kind of master that process, it does become easier over time, it becomes a quicker thing that you can say, no, no, I’m really focused on what’s happening right now with my body. Think about where you’re being touched, how it feels where you want to be touched next. And I’m big also on communicating with your husband, what feels good, and what you what you need and want. Yeah, most husbands are glad for you to tell them, hey, you know, what would be really great is if you could blah, blah, blah. You know, they’re into that they’re like, Okay, I’m gonna, I’m gonna really give you a lot of pleasure. But we have to start feeling a little more comfortable speaking up, and because they can’t read minds, and their bodies are different, and they don’t know what works with our equipment. And we’re the ones who know.

8:26

Yeah, yeah. So I love just to kind of go back, you said, it’s kind of a meditative practice of turning your mind back over and over again.

8:39

Yes. Which is funny, because I’m, I’m actually not very good at meditation generally. Yeah, I get I get into the yoga class, and that vary in thing where they want you to, like, be very still and quiet. And just think about the beach or whatever. Yeah, yeah, I fit to the lot. Yeah.

8:59

Yeah. No, no, it’s not easy. You know, but you know what I have found. So I’ve been meditating for about a little over six months, I think, on a somewhat consistent basis, but it’s only like 1010 minutes a day. And I just set my timer and I just, you know, try to focus on my breath, or focus on some Bible scriptures that I specifically wanted to focus on or something like that. And I will say that it has helped in the bedroom, it’s helped me to focus my mind easier, because my mind is just a little bit more used to focusing. And so I found that that’s been a helpful thing for me in intimacy as well, because I’m used to, you know, turning off some of the noise and getting into the moment. But it sounds like that’s kind of what you’re saying is, is getting into what’s happening and turning off everything else.

9:59

Yeah, it’s it interesting because for a whole other thing I was doing, I read research about something called determined practice. And that’s where people become especially good at things, when they break it down into a chunk. And they practice it over and over and over. And that’s kind of what meditation is. And what you’re talking about is, as you practice these things, they do become part of your, your habits, part of who you are. And I, I think we can look at sex with your husband in the same way. I mean, determined practice, doesn’t that sound really fun to have determined practice in the marriage with your husband? But you, you know, you do you pray, you practice these things, and you practice outside the bedroom and bring that in. But we kind of have to train our minds to do that. Yeah. I’ve also done that with scripture too. And I think that’s one of the things that, for instance, if you know, your issue is body image, you know, memorize a few scriptures about how your beautifully wonderfully made, and then meditate on those for a little while, before you go into make love with your husband, I think that would help you to concentrate on what you really should be paying attention to.

11:13

Yeah, I love that. I agree. And I like, you know, I was just coaching someone last night and thinking about, you know, what are your fears around the, the marriage bed and then turning those into affirmations on the other side? So, if your fear is about, if your fear is about, you know, am I going to look silly? You know, how about I know my husband loves it, when I seduce him, or I know my I know this will make him feel more wanted or something along those lines, that’s gonna totally flip flop what your your fears are.

11:54

Right, that’s, that’s great. I love that. Yeah, that sounds so optimistic and wonderful. And I think that’s a great idea. I’m a born pessimist. And, really, I have to really work on it. So what I do sometimes with that is if I’m gonna, if I think I’m gonna look silly, I think, Okay, what’s the worst that could happen? Like, I look a little silly in the sky. promise to love me forever, and it’s gonna be okay. And we’ll laugh and move on. Yeah, so I tend to go to the what is the worst that could happen, but I think maybe your approach is a little healthier.

12:28

Well, either way, whichever is going to get you there both both ways. You know, it’s, it’s true. i This is the man that promised to love you forever. I mean, he’s the safest person in the whole world. I mean, he, he’s the one that you can look silly in front of us, the one that you can let down your guard in front of and, and I think that’s a huge piece to orgasm. At least it is for me. And I think for a lot of women is learning to feel safe. With your husband in intimacy, you need to let down your guard be willing to accept the advances and accept them as a good thing. What do you think are helpful things that a wife kind of needs to go through in her mind in order to be willing to orgasm?

13:16

I think that there are several things. I think we also a lot of wives need to feel like they deserve the orgasm. Hmm. I think sometimes we we shut ourselves off from it because it’s scary. Or maybe we feel like that will make us too. Don’t have to sexualized, yeah. Or it just, we have to kind of, or maybe we feel like we’re being selfish. I think that’s another thing is that women are built so relationally that we feel like well in the bedroom. You know, this is supposed to be back and fourth in it is that there are times where something’s happening that he enjoys. And there’s times where something’s happening that you enjoy. And also as your enjoyment your individual enjoyment increases you. You get something out of the other person having a good time. So it kind of just increases everything. So I think we feel feel like we need to, we need to feel like we deserve it. And I also think that churches in particular, well, not just churches, but a lot of times the secular message has also been that sex is for men. Yeah. And so we feel like well, it’s really for him. No, no, sweetheart. Yeah, God gave you a clitoris. And the only purpose is pleasure. There’s no other biological purpose of your clitoris then for you to feel pleasure and to orgasm. And that’s my loving father. And, and I feel like if he’s gonna give us something, you know what we might as well use it as intended. Yeah, you know? I think we just need to own that and say it is, it is perfectly fine for me to seek out this orgasm for me to just surrender to pleasure. And feel that entirely. Yeah, that’s maybe a place to start for a lot of wives. Yeah.

15:16

And I like I, you know, I like that you said, first of all, the clitoris, its only purpose is pleasure. You know, and that is what God gave us. And that is part of the sex act. So, you know, in talking about what orgasm is and what a wife needs to reach orgasm, it can you kind of dial it in and even get practical about how a wife, maybe a wife that’s never orgasm before how she can learn to orgasm.

15:46

Sure, um, so I give, I can give several different tips. And what will work depends kind of on the different situations. So if I were talking to an individual Wi Fi, I maybe direct that a lot more specifically to her. But some women just don’t know how their own parts work and how they feel. And you can do a couple different things, you can actually kind of use your own hand to kind of see what feels good and what doesn’t. It’s just an exploration. I’m not talking about you taking on a habit here. But to kind of see what what, where are the sensitive parts down there. The other thing you can do is you can ask your husband to do that, honey, I want us to kind of have a little discovery session here. And I want you to touch me and let me see what feels good and what doesn’t. What kind of pressure what, what speed, what you know, where, and, and you can kind of explore those things. Yeah, and give yourself permission to learn. That we I think we sometimes have this idea, maybe it’s based on Hollywood movies, that if you’re with the right person, then you just completely know each other’s bodies, and everything just works out perfectly. Right? And that’s not really how it is. You have to learn your own body and how your spouse can can turn you on. Yeah. So can I give yourself permission to learn, I think in the moment, you do need to do that, that a meditative thing of bringing your mind back, back back, communicate very clearly to your husband. And your communication can be verbal, or it can be just you taking his hand and moving it or, you know, shifting your own body into whatever position you need to be in to get touched the way you want to be touched. And it’s perfectly fine to you know, say faster, slower, little more gentle this and that just kind of those little tweaks that will help him know, what’s working for you and what’s not. You can also just incorporate different activities that get you to orgasm. One of the things I also think is we tend to think well, I’m going to have an orgasm during intercourse. Yeah, that’s actually a little bit harder one to reach. So, and you can get there but most of the women I’ve talked to who have had what we call the vaginal orgasm, which is the intercourse orgasm. You had a had a strictly clitoral orgasm. First, they mastered that one first. Mm hmm. And they feel slightly different. There, they both have the same feelings that what you can actually feel in the moment is if you really were to pay attention, you can actually feel your vagina spasming. Hmm, that’s kind of how you know that you’ve had you’ve actually had it. There are lots of other different things like, you know, it just feels amazing. ever you feel a wash of adrenaline over you. You scream like a banshee. Yeah, I want to say your eyes roll back and fall fall on your pillow. Whatever, whatever happens to you could shake. Some some women have actually said that they will shed tears. Yeah. during orgasm. That’s, that’s not crazy. Weird. So your body is just having this extreme reaction and all kinds of things can come from it. Yeah. But that clitoral might be the easier one to reach. And that is usually easier to reach with. With manual stimulation. Yeah. And with oral sex. So maybe try that first. See if you can get there before you say Oh, well, it you know, we keep having missionary position sex and like, I don’t know why I’m not orgasming Yeah, right. actually kind of hard to do that. Mm hmm. Because of the You have to get out to hit the clitoris just right.

20:04

Right. Right. And I’ve even read that, you know, the even the vaginal orgasm can be a version of it’s still the clitoris from the inside, it’s still getting out the clitoris. So it could be that even though, like some women are just not built in a way that their body can orgasm with just penetration.

20:33

Yes, that’s true. That’s definitely true. And actually, you know, really all orgasms are clitoral, in the sense that they all require either direct or indirect stimulation of the clitoris. So even when you’re having intercourse, it’s indirect stimulation of the clitoris from inside. And that’s why the direct stimulation can be the easier one to reach. And then when you get if you get into the intercourse ones the other thing is to a lot of times women will find out, you know, I really only orgasm in intercourse when we have this sexual position from this angle. Right? Or when we have sex in this way, and I’m he’s also stimulating my directly stimulating my clitoris at the same time. Mm hmm. And that’s fine. That’s fine. It’s all sex.

21:28

Yeah, so yeah. Yeah, I, I get what you’re saying there. It almost feels like you know, I think some women feel like that’s not enough. What would you say to her?

21:41

Yeah, and I’ve heard this various people feel like well, I’ve been cheated, because I haven’t had all the the myriad ways that a girl can orgasm. But I think you can always chase something else. If you make this strictly physical. I mean, there’s there’s always some new story about someone who had, I don’t know, 30 orgasms in one sexual session. Just sounds exhausting to me. Yes, but you know, there’s always another carrot you can chase so to speak in this. But that’s not really what it’s about. I think if you have a quality orgasm, and you feel good, and he feels good about having brought you there, and you have this intimate experience, that’s what it’s about. It’s not just a strictly physical, how many different ways can I orgasm thing? Yeah, and, and everybody, even if you have a challenge with your particular body, there are other benefits to your body. We all. We all know that in other ways, just like the curly headed woman thinks that somehow better to be a straight haired woman and the straight hair woman thinks it’s better to be the curly haired woman and then we talk and we realize, you know what? There’s blessings and curses to both. So I think that’s true with our bodies, too. Yeah. You know, maybe the woman who who put her clitoris is a little easier to reach or something. You know, maybe she’s extremely flat chested, and she wishes her breast could be more involved in lovemaking. Right. So there’s just or maybe she doesn’t have the nipple sensitivity you have. Mm hmm. So I’m just not sure those comparisons really work for us. We need to deal with who we are and who our spouses and, you know, make the best love we can make.

23:41

Mm hm. I love that make the best love we can make. So I want to go back to something you had said earlier. So using your hand to learn what feels good, and you said, not making it into a habit. And I’m interested in what you mean by

23:56

that. I mean that sometimes when I propose this, people think that I’m suggesting that you started on a solo masturbation, habit or obsession. And that’s how I’m talking about and I think a lot of women are also very worried. Well, I’m not sure I should touch myself because that smacks too much of masturbation and I don’t really want to do that. And, and so I’m just saying, look, and actually there think that there are some times I’m not a complete anti masturbation person, for instance, if you’re in if you’re in the bed together, it’s perfectly fine. I think if if, you know, he’s kissing you, and he’s enjoying that you’re touching yourself or he’s touching himself and you’re enjoying that in some mutual thing. Yeah, I think that kind of stuff can be fine, but I do know some women worry about that. And so I just like to kind of caveat and say, Look, you’re you’re doing a discovery session here. And you know what, maybe maybe you will get turned on and maybe in very turned on and but then you’ll have that information.

24:57

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That’s great. Okay, so, so a couple things that you said in terms of practically what you can do to learn to orgasm is you said, do a discovery session. And I love that bring your husband into that to that discovery session. And another thing you said is that meditation, bringing your mind back over and over again, another thing is communicating, either moving your body or moving his hand or communicating what you’d like and how to move, and then incorporating different activities. Number four was incorporating different activities. So I love that. Now, I kind of want to go back to you mentioned about, you know, different ways of orgasming. So we’ve got, you know, you said, manual stimulation, so that’s using your or his hand, right? Yes. Yes. Um, and then you said, oral sex is a way to bring you to orgasm. Are there other things that wives could try?

26:10

Ah, yeah. I think those are the two main ones. I mean, there are, you know, there are for women who have extreme difficulties there are there are sex toys, or vibrators. And I, I have to say I just answered a question on my blog from a woman who felt like she’d become desensitized to her husband’s touch, because they’ve been so reliant on a vibrator in their lovemaking. And so I don’t have a problem with sex toys, per se, I, I do feel like people need to be cautious in their use. Because I think ultimately, God desires for us to be turned on by one another’s bodies from primarily about one another’s bodies. But I do know, for instance, there are women that really this is, it’s nearly impossible for them. There’s just something physically going on. And thank goodness, there is the option of of something like that. And so that to me, in that situation, that’s an A that that’s, you know, I’m just medically required. And so yeah, so that’s, that’s an option. I think, that I’ve also heard things like, you know, just spending more time in foreplay, I think, what will help you with, with reaching orgasm? And I, I know, for instance, there are women who have orgasm from making out from a long kissing session. And I would say that those kinds of things also we really need to pay attention to, is spending more time really building that passion. Yeah, because that just makes your whole body more ready. And I think women know this, too, because of romance novels. Now. I’m not saying we all need to go out and read romance novels. Not at all. Especially, you know, erotica, don’t do that. That’s, like, verbal porn, right? But the reason that does appeal to women, that’s what I’m talking about. The reason that appeals to women is because there’s actually a lot of buildup before you know, in a room, so there’s a lot of buildup before they get to the bedroom. And so by the time a lot of women said they’ve read, they’ve read and by the time that they get to the bedroom scene, they’re you know, they’re sweaty and breathing a little nerve, right? excitedly and this and that. And maybe we need to actually use that information with our husbands and realize, you know, there’s a lot of kind of build up we could do here to get our bodies revving. So that we that we can do that. I also talked about manual stimulation, I think that maybe I can clarify a little bit. There’s, there’s, you’re touching yourself. There’s him touching you. There’s also him penetrating you with his his fingers. That’s, that feels good to a lot of women to have him especially if he can do that and then touch your clitoris at the same time. Mm hmm. That’s been successful for some women. So those hope that’s not too specific for your podcast. No,

29:21

exactly. No, that’s really helpful. That’s exactly. I mean, I think it’s this is the kind of stuff that we don’t often hear talked about. And that’s why I think so many couples are having such challenges. I mean, it’s, I think I read something like it’s either one in three or one in four women have an orgasm before and and it’s just it’s biologically there’s no reason for it. Everyone should be able to orgasm. So anyway, so yeah, so no, it’s very specific is good.

29:54

Okay, okay. Well, I didn’t I didn’t, I didn’t want to cross the line. But at the same time, I was thinking, okay, that girlfriend out there that this helps you reach orgasm tonight? Yeah, I’m falling for you, sweetie.

30:09

Yeah, exactly, exactly. So, um, okay, so what about for the wife that, you know, maybe feels like she’s kind of in a rut, that kind of doing the same things. It’s working for her. Maybe she’s having orgasms, but it doesn’t feel as fulfilling as it has in the past? Do you have some advice for her?

30:31

So yeah, and every now and then to hear from a woman who says, I think I’m having orgasms, or I’m having them, but they’re not that exciting. And I always think that’s kind of interesting, because they tend to feel pretty good. And I think that maybe what what’s happening there, in part is, is not surrendering yourself fully to the experience, I think that that we can, you know, have it and still kind of tighten up our bodies a little bit, or shut down a little, you know, a little bit in that moment. And, and not just, you know, really lean into it, I think we need to lean in with abandon to this moment. Um, I also think that we need to kind of shake things up in our sex lives, sometimes we can get into a rut of a particular sexual position, you know, in a particular order. Okay, so what happens is, he kisses me here, and then I touch him there, and then the clothes come off. And then we do this, and then we do this, and we have intercourse, and then we lay back, and we’re done. Right, right. And, um, and, you know, not that, look, sex is sex is still good. So even vanilla sex is usually still good. But sometimes we need to shake things up, you know, make love in a different part of your house, you know, come in and say, let’s play a game tonight and make incorporate that. Try out something fun, like flavored loops or, you know, a different position, a different whatever, it’s, you know, just look for ideas. I’m sure there have been ideas on your podcast and their their websites with lots of ideas, a lot of Christian websites that will have have ideas, and my book has ideas. So

32:25

yeah. Well, and and we’re about to be wrapping up soon. But could you tell us a little bit about your book?

32:32

Yeah, it’s hot, holy and humorous sex in marriage by God’s design. And it’s been out several months. And it’s really kind of a how to manual. So it, it kind of walks through all this, this is this is kind of the approach that I take is I want to be biblical. And I want to be practical. I want people to read my book and walk away with look, I’ve got some actual things I can put into practice that are from a spiritual perspective. And, yes, there are some things that are about how we think about things. But there are also specific how to tips like I even have a chapter on this on manual stimulation and what you can actually do, and tells you what you can do with your hands. So what he can do with his hands. So, so that’s kind of it’s been out there for a little bit, and you can find it, all of the major bookstores. Amazon, Barnes and Noble. Maybe your local bookstore christianbook.com.

33:38

Cool. That’s awesome. Cool. Well, okay, if you could give kind of a last parting piece of advice, maybe to our listeners that just need a little encouragement in this area. With orgasm, what would you say to her?

33:52

I would say that if it hasn’t happened yet, give yourself a break. And, and tell yourself, it’s going to happen. I think that will take some of the pressure off is I think that we get to this moment of thinking it hasn’t happened yet. It’s never gonna happen. But it can happen. You just need a little more time, you need a little more learning curve. And, and if you’re, if your body’s not responding the way it should respond, you also need to talk to your doctor and make sure everything’s everything’s going like it should. But but go ahead and seek answers and recognize you deserve this. It’s completely reasonable for you to seek it out. And you can you can reach this.

34:36

Yeah. That’s awesome. All right. Well, Jay, where can our listeners follow you online?

34:44

They can find me at hot Holy humorous.com. And I am by that same name, hot holy humorous at on Twitter, on Facebook and on Pinterest.

34:56

Awesome. Well, Jay, thank you so much. This has been wonderful as well. always I appreciate you being here.

35:01

Thank you so much for having me back. It’s always fun to be on your program.

35:08

Well, thank you so much for joining today, I hope that you have some homework to go home with. My thought for you is depending on where you are on the orgasm spectrum, if you are able to do it, but not that often, or if you haven’t been able to yet, I just encourage you to do that discovery session with your husband. That’ll be fun no matter what, no matter where you are on the on the spectrum. It’ll be fun. And so make sure I love that she said in the beginning, make it an event, make it an event and prepare yourself and and get ready for a sexual experience with your hubby. So that’s your homework for this week. I am excited to talk to you again on Tuesday. God bless you praying for you in your marriage. Hey, and listen, I did add a donate button to the to the website. A listener asked me to do that. So I did go ahead and do that. So if this has been a blessing to you, and you’d like to support the ministry, I would certainly appreciate the donation. So you can just go to delight your marriage.com and click on Donate and and we’ll set you up there. Thank you so much. God bless you and we’ll talk next Tuesday. Bye bye.

36:22

Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion