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Part II: Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. But what about when we do get angry, when we do speak and when we don’t listen? Well, lets talk about how to do this better. We can all find healthier ways to process afterwards or avoid from the beginning.
Beth is sharing with us on the second half of her Journey interview how they learned to fight well and what steps and tools they use to make sure their conflicts draw them closer rather than tear them apart.
Tweetables:
- Even if he was wrong, I still have a responsibility to respond in a right way.
- One of the main purposes of marriage is that it is a reflection of Christ; it begins with our love for our spouse.
- Even if I feel like my husband rejects me I need to know who I am in Christ and he never rejects me.
Resources:
Find out more about Beth at messymarriage.com
Love,
Belah
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Transcript
0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host belah rose.
0:19
I am so glad that you’re here. And I hope you’re having a good day. I just encourage you to take a minute to smile, and be grateful for what you have going on in your life. Well, thank you for that moment. And thank you for joining me today, we are talking about fighting and fighting well. So if you are anything like me, you have probably experienced conflict in your marriage. I think even if you’re not like me, I think you probably have still experienced it. And I think there’s a lot we can learn about how to fight well, and even how to process after we have conflict. Certainly, the Bible says be slow to speak. Sorry, to, to be quick to listen slow to speak and slow to become angry. And that’s just such a good rule to go by when we think about how to have conflict and how to have it well. So if you didn’t get a chance to listen to my last solo show, it’s episode 136. And you can go back and listen to it. But I talked about the 10 keys to a more peaceful marriage. And in there, I have different perspectives that you might want to think about in, you know, overarching themes of how to have a more peaceful marriage. But today, this is the second interview with Beth Stefaniak. And we talk about what you know what it looks like to have less conflict in our marriage. Now, this is her second half of her interview or the first half, we were really focused on insecurity and how that was really eroding her from the inside and what that did in terms of her marriage. But now we’re really talking about how she grew in how to have healthy conflict in her marriage. And then her most important lessons that she learned in the 30 years of being married. So let’s go ahead and dive in.
2:44
All right, welcome back. Thank you so much for joining me, I’ve got Beth on again. So if you haven’t yet heard her first part of her interview, I’d love for you to go back and listen to that, that really talks about how insecurity was such a big piece of their marriage, and it really caused a lot of being guarded and having a lot of distance between them and what that ended up doing. But now we’re in the second half. And I want to ask you, Beth, you know, how did, how did you get out of that season and a little bit more about what your marriage looks like now.
3:20
Kind of Well, I mentioned in last, in the last interview that we began to have talk times together and that was really instrumental in helping us to, to feel connected to develop that friendship back and over time. And and I say this, in terms of it took years really, to feel like our relationship was safer. I think alongside that was the the willingness little by little to be vulnerable about what I was feeling. And my husband the same way and to share it in a way that we learned how to share. We have some tools that we’ve developed actually through the years but we learned how to share in a way that we’re taking responsibility for our parts and not sitting there blaming the other person and and active listening. reflective listening was a big part of us learning how to slow, slow ourselves enough to really enter in the other person’s world. So when we did share, we we learned how to share in a way that made it as gentle and respectful as well as open as possible. So I think those were things they were like building blocks that really helped us to move further into a deeper connection with each other a more secure connection with each other. And then I’d say about six Years ago, I think it was maybe maybe as much as seven years ago, we started a commitment to pray together daily. And so every morning before my husband and I part, we will stop and we will pray. And we just, we don’t pray any, like a five minute prayer, even it’s, it’s just a quick little prayer about our day where we want our focus to be what we want to how we want to respond to each other. So we ask the Lord to help us in that. So it might be I say, a sentence or two, and he says a sentence sentence or two. And that’s how we start our day. And we we’ve done that consistently. Since, you know, six years ago, well, you would have thought, you know, a pastor’s wife would have done that years ago, but we didn’t make that the priority or, or daily habit. And I honestly think, again, that was sort of a watershed moment for us it it began to lessen again, the the frequency of our arguments and the severity of any of our arguments. So it brought more healing to our relationship, it brought more connection to our relationship, and it focused our eyes on God and what what was most important in any given moment?
6:16
Yeah. Yeah, I love that. And you talked about active listening, you talked about a couple of tools that you developed, that made things, you know, more, I guess, safer, or more comfortable, when you did share that, right? You felt more it was more received better? And that kind of thing? So can you explain what active listening is?
6:45
Sure, um, well, with the tools that we have, a lot of it is done ahead of time. And I use them to pray, I begin with prayer, and I begin to answer some questions that I have in this process. And the questions not only helped me to identify what my hurt was, because sometimes we don’t even know what it was we wanted or what we were hurt over. But it also helps me and my husband to see what our contribution was to that problem to that conflict. And as I’m praying, God, softens my hearts, and prepares me for that conversation with my husband. And so then we have a tool that we use to, with the active listening, the reflective listening, where we, one person is the speaker, and one person is the listener. And so let’s say I’m sharing about my perspective of a recent conflict. And I don’t go at it in terms of Let Me rake you over the coals, this is about me. acknowledging my part, but also acknowledging the hurt there, but doing it in a way that is most that really prepares that oils, that that machinery and makes it smoother and easier for my husband to hear it or if he’s saying it, to me, makes it easier for me to receive it as well. And the listening part of it is I will find the speaker I will say, a sentence or two. And then he reflects back as close as possible to what I said. And it a lot of couples, you know, I use this tool with the couples that I’ve coached and, and counsel and they feel like, you know, at first is really awkward, it’s, it’s, it feels unnecessary, it feels restrictive, but it’s sort of like putting a cast on a broken leg. It, it’s uncomfortable to have a cast on your leg for any length of time. But you need that in order to keep that bone in place. And it’s the same way when there’s conflict, it’s like a bone is broken in the relationship. And you really need the restrictiveness of that in order to, especially if you’re if you have a tendency to let things kind of, you know, evolve into or, or what’s the word escalate into an argument. This will keep you from doing that. And, honestly, my husband and I don’t need to do that process near as much. For one thing, we don’t have as many arguments. But when we do, we’re able now to kind of use some of those same skills in a more informal way. So it’s not like we have to get out those tools every time anymore. It’s just become easier for us to talk through them in those beginning stages, or if something was a really, you know, sometimes we will have an argument that just really gets bigger than than we ever expected. And a lot it’s a lot more hurtful. Those are the kinds of things that we still use the tools with on occasion. Yeah, but I just want to say couples don’t have to use These forever, it’s really just teaching them how to really listen, to really hear. And, and it’s funny because my husband and I, we’ve learned that through this reflective listening, it’s not just about getting the message accurate. It’s, it’s when you say those words back to your spouse, what they’ve just shared to you, too. It’s, it’s something that can really impact your heart can give you empathy for them in a way that just hearing it from them doesn’t quite do. It just takes it to another level.
10:38
Yep, absolutely. And so just to clarify, so if your spouse says something, like, I don’t want to, I don’t want to do that. And then your then your responses. So you’re telling me that you don’t want to do that. And it’s a common way. It’s just, it’s just you, right? It’s just you reflecting back what they say. And so you. So that gives that understanding that’s much deeper. And I mean, I’ve used that in times in my marriage, where I felt like, my husband had had said something that was really hurtful. I mean, I was, you know, on the verge of having a very difficult response. And thankfully, it saved me from that, because I said something like, so. I, I wish I could think of a specific example. But let’s pretend he was telling me that I didn’t look pretty or something. Yeah, cuz he wouldn’t have said that. But I just can’t think of a specific game. But let’s say he said that my response has been, so you, you don’t think I look good today? And he’s like, no, no, I was trying to explain blah, blah, blah, and then things right. I then don’t have to take all this offense. We don’t have to have a terrible argument because there was a misunderstanding.
12:00
Exactly. Yeah. Yeah, I think there’s, we can listen, and absorb something a lot faster. So our mind is working, we end up filling in the gap of what we think our spouse is saying and Miss really what they’re saying. Yeah. And oh, yeah, it’s really important to kind of slow ourselves down.
12:23
Absolutely. And, and I think it’s also something that’s been really helpful for me and my husband has been to recognize the different cultures that we come from. Yeah. Regardless of if you’re from the same, you know, ethnic culture or, you know, a specific, you know, racial culture or any any specific culture, but your specific culture from your family is going to be very different than his culture. So even considering that and then not on that, on top of experience on top of woundedness, there’s just so many layers of potential misunderstanding. Yeah, yeah. And so the
13:08
amazingly we stay together. There is as long as we do.
13:12
It’s true. 30 years. It’s a big deal. Yeah. Yeah, but I love I love that, that active listening that. And I like even the word active because it it takes work. It’s not just this automatic thing that you can kind of tune out and still get what your spouse is talking about it. It does take work, doesn’t it?
13:35
Yeah, yeah. And, and there was one time that my husband and I were using this tool, and it was after a pretty big argument. And he was reflecting back some of the things I said, and I didn’t hold back on what I was feeling, I communicated what I was feeling, like, there was a point where I felt like he was being abusive to me. And so I said that and so, you know, he had to repeat back. So you felt like I was being abusive? Well, if you know, my husband, he is so as as strong and and bold as he is in conflict. He’s also equally soft and tender hearted. And I’m telling you that brought him to tears, to say that and to realize that, and we still remember that that was sort of a really important moment for us to connect. And I told him I said, I don’t know that I’ve ever felt like you heard me and and validated what I was feeling more than at that moment, that was just so powerful for the two of us. And so now we you know, it’s just definitely something we always bring that tool into the mix, especially when there’s just really deep hurt.
14:48
Yeah, no, that’s just so important. Yeah, yeah. I love that you gave that example because I think it’s it’s so valuable when you are really talking about one, either either spouses pain, I feel like, yeah, you know, so so often we don’t even know what we’re stepping on. And we just, you know, right, we step on a landmine of our spouse, and, you know, if we don’t have that real conscious, understanding, you know, listening to really know what the other is going through.
15:31
Yeah, that’s fine. Yeah, he set aside his agenda and really entered my world. And that’s a gift that I think some couples go a lifetime without ever giving that gift to each other.
15:44
Yep. Yes, 100%. I can remember my parents, just screaming things at each other things that just just big, loud screaming arguments, and they, those things never were ever addressed. After that ever again. It was just as though they didn’t happen. And that was what was modeled for us as conflict. And, you know, certainly conflict happens in marriages. And, you know, we can always get better at being slow to anger and slow to speak and, you know, quick to listen, right. That’s always the goal. But when we do get outside of that, I do think that that’s a really good habit to get into of, how do you process that argument afterwards? How do you get to the heart of I mean, is this truly how you feel? Or was that in the heat of the moment? Or, you know, can we understand what what happened? Or? I mean, is that something that you all do even after conflict?
16:51
Yeah. Oh, yeah, we we definitely are talking about that afterwards. And I want to add to that, one of the things that we have shifted over, over our marriage over the years of our marriage, we, my husband, would rather, his preference, probably if it was just up to him, would be that we could talk through any kind of conflict as it happens. But we’ve learned over the years, especially because I’m an internal processor. He’s more you know, he likes to process and talk. Talk it out. In that moment, yeah. And it’s just too much for me. And so and, and we both honestly need to, to cool down. So we are much more aware of that, that need. And we will, you know, say, you know, let’s just pray and talk about this when we’re calmed down. And so we will, we will go and we will pray and process and come back later. So, typically, if something gets too heated, we do and we can kind of, if, if one of us, if it’s just one of us, that feels uncomfortable. That’s enough to say, Okay, we’re going to wait and talk about this after we prayed and processed about it. So. And that’s so I would say, that’s been another thing that’s made our marriage feel safer, and has actually brought in more health because we’ve, we’ve dealt with things in a constructive way, rather than in a hurtful, destructive way in the moment.
18:29
Hmm. Yeah, I love that pray and process. And that’s important also to consider if either person feels uncomfortable feels like it’s, you know, it’s hitting on something that, you know, could could elevate or, you know, is it like you said, uncomfortable for them? What are some other keys that you would say, are just important in thinking about conflict with your spouse?
19:03
Well, I know one thing is just constantly being aware of the power that God can have in my heart. A lot of the time early on, I think what would get me off track was feeling like the problem was my husband. And if he would just change his attitude or behavior, then I would be fine you know, he is an initiator in a lot of ways in our relationship and I am more the, the follower in a lot of ways. Although he will say that I Buck his his leadership an awful lot, but But overall, I’d say he is definitely the one that initiates and so I would look and say, you know, if you would just stop doing that, then I wouldn’t, you know, and instead now, I look at you Even if my husband did something that was completely wrong, I have a responsibility to respond in a right way. And so then I stop. And I think, Okay, Lord, show me, what can I do here? How can I handle this differently? How can I think about it differently? How it how can I view my husband differently? And invariably, God makes something very clear to me through through my own prayer time through my Bible study time, through good conversations, like I said, with godly girlfriends, and I, I make those changes. And that problem amazingly dissipates. Because I’m handling it different. I’m responding differently. Yeah. And I’m not saying I do it perfectly every time Don’t, don’t hear that. It’s, I’m, I’m still a work in progress in many ways. But that’s, that’s the direction I always go at. Any kind of, because it’s so tempting to just sit there and say, Well, if you would do this, and so then it would be okay. You know, that’s, that’s really not where God wants us to, to land.
21:12
Yeah, yep. And I like that you said, you know, even what he does is wrong. I have the responsibility to respond in a right way. Yeah. And the other piece that’s really telling, you know, of what you mentioned, just now about trusting the power of God in your heart, his willingness to move in your heart, I feel like sometimes in our marriages, we kind of assume that it’s really just me and my spouse, me between my spouse and we forget that God really cares about the way we treat our spouse about the way we respond to our spouse. Do you think that’s true?
21:56
Oh, definitely, I think that, honestly, is the main purpose for marriage, because we are that reflection to the world of Christ. And the bride, which, you know, look in Ephesians, it talks about that very thing. And so the world is looking to us, and seeing if we really, I think love can begin with that demonstration of love to the world can begin with our love for our spouse, it’s probably the most challenging of relationships that we have, you know, for any, I mean, unless you have a really too easy going spouses, which is rare, I think most couples have at least one person that sort of difficult and so that brings that challenge constantly to the to the relationship, but so we have this golden opportunity to reflect Christ love as we love our spouse.
22:54
Yeah. Well, it’s funny that you say the easygoing spouse and I, I honestly was the opposite. I was definitely the non easygoing spouse for a long time. And, and, you know, it is a discipline to become easygoing. That is hard work.
23:15
Oh, yeah. Especially if that’s not your wiring, you know? And honestly, I’d say I, I have very few people that I know. Oh, that are easy. Going truly easy. Go. Yeah. You know, I think most people have that perfectionism. I don’t know if that’s our culture, or what it or if it’s just my group of friends, but a lot of them are perfectionist.
23:41
Yeah, I agree with you. Absolutely. And, and productivity is is, you know, as though, are this idol that, you know, we have to be busy all the time, we have to get things done all the time constantly.
23:55
But yeah, constantly comparing ourselves to our, our friends or their their marriages. So then you get into that whole cycle of I’ve got to do better than they’re doing, you know, it’s crazy.
24:06
Yeah, absolutely. And I can’t remember who said this, but there’s a quote out there that says something like wisdom is the art of letting things go or to know something like to know wisdom is to know how to let things go, or something along those lines. And I just think it just knowing what’s priority what, what does actually matter, for us to have some disagreement about because most things don’t and most of the time pieces more important than most other things.
24:42
Yeah. And and I would piggyback on you know, there’s that song. I think I’m frozen. Let it go. Yeah. And I think that’s so good. That idea is so good. But I like to think in terms of I’m not just letting I can’t go I’m letting it go to God, you know, God is the one in control. And I need to constantly remind myself that I’m not just releasing this and and just hoping for the best. God is already working and redeeming in bringing about his best in that situation.
25:17
Yes, I think that is so true. And because you did mention let it go. We have a very specific verses that we do that song with and I sing that with my my little boys. So I’m going to go ahead and share this song. Okay, okay, it’s a it’s a dy M debut. It goes like this. Let it go. Let it go. Don’t worry about it anymore. Let it go. Let it go. Just wait to see what’s in store. We don’t know what God has planned. But if we trust in him, he’ll give us the strength to stand.
26:08
Wow, like that. And their voice that’s really brave of you to do that acapella and just did a great. Pop the top on top of that.
26:22
Much better. Thank you. It’s funny. How many times I’ll sing that just to myself. When I’m starting to worry. So hopefully,
26:35
that your kids singing with your kids. That’s that’s wonderful,
26:39
too. Yeah, they Yeah, they’re they’re, they’re cute little boys. They’re their little girl boy and mom. Oh, gosh, yes. Oh, my goodness. Ah, so yes. Okay. Well tell me what the chief three things you think have been central to your marital success?
26:58
Well, I, I’ve said this before, but prayer and connecting with God is fundamental. That’s like, number one. For me. I do that daily. I do that all throughout my day. I’m trying to train myself to do that in the heat of the moment when my husband and I are arguing instead of getting in my head and thinking about my rebuttal to my husband and trying to just stop and pray. Even if my husband doesn’t know, I’m praying and that and especially I guess if my husband doesn’t know, I’m praying, it really brings calmness to me. And so that’s that would be, I think, number one. But I think also just continually working at connecting with my spouse, building that friendship basis meeting, you know, like I said, with my husband for talk time, once a week, and then trying to get those dates on the calendar, and just have fun together and not not do it to problem solve, but just to be together. And then I think I’ve mentioned this to just that idea of always being vulnerable and confessing with each other. When we blow it, we’re willing to admit, you know, hey, you know, I’m sorry that I said it that way, or that it came across that way, or that I hurt your feelings I’m going to work on responding differently next time. And my husband and I say that, I mean, just just the other day, we said that to each other over something that that happens. So it’s just a constant daily thing. And it’s sort of like brushing your teeth, you wouldn’t just brush your teeth once and think hey, I’m good to go. You know, if if you’re like most human beings, you sin daily and sin all throughout your day, and so you just need to constantly come clean with each other. And it really removes a lot of that tension and the wedge that tends to develop in a lot of couples marriages.
28:57
Yeah, absolutely. Okay, so pray and connecting with God. Number two, connecting with your spouse making time to talk and connect, and three, being vulnerable, confessing to each other, and making that the culture of your marriage and love that. So if you’re comfortable, would you go ahead and share advice about intimacy, physical intimacy in marriage?
29:22
Sure, um, you know, a lot of things in my life are very intentional. I like to be intentional. And when life gets crazy, and when you have kids and the busyness of life pulling in all different directions. I feel like your sex life suffers. And part of for me, it was I wasn’t really being intentional to prepare myself mentally or emotionally to meet with my husband, you know, so, my husband and I actually was was probably about 15 years ago, right around that 15 year mark, a lot of stuff was happening. And we would try to, because it was just so crazy, I had to have a day that I knew, Okay, this is the day we’re going to have sex later in the day. So I would prepare. And I would not do as much that day, I wouldn’t stress myself out, I would make sure that I washed my hair or showered. That day, I would wear clothes that that maybe were a little sexier, felt felt softer, just a lot of little things, preparing the atmosphere of the room, just things like that, that helped me to really prepare mentally, you know, they, they talk about women or like crock pots and then or like microwaves. So I was turning that crock pot on in the morning and letting it cook and and get ready as the day went on in stead of my husband saying, you know, rolling over and saying, hey, you know, how about tonight? That was, I think really helpful for me. Once we started making that adjustment in in the way we approached lovemaking.
31:16
Yeah, I love that. I just think that’s so true. To get yourself prepared. It’s funny. For a long time, I had just these, I don’t know, Walmart or Target bought cotton underwear. And I never thought anything of it. And it’s only been relatively recently that I started getting like, I mean, I’ve had, you know, the sexy underwear that I kept specifically just used there. But I didn’t you I didn’t wear it other times. And it’s, it’s funny, because when I actually wear the sexy underwear when I’m, you know, going through my normal day, I feel much sexier. And I feel prepared to make love that night. So,
31:59
yeah, it is funny, those little bitty things matter. Yep. Yep. I like and the more little bitty they are the better.
32:09
There sorry, that’s a good one. That’s a good one. I like it. Very good. Um, well, so due to your specific marriage, what opportunities have you had to get to know God and to serve him?
32:25
Well, being a pastor’s wife, I think that is, you know, sort of just the, the water that I swim in every day. But I say that, you know, even though that’s my husband’s role in job, I love ministering and I love serving alongside my husband, because a lot of the time we get the opportunity to lead marriage classes, and or groups, where we do some marriage workshops outside of our church. And so that, to me, I just, that’s like the best times ever with my husband. And it really has drawn us together because we have a heart for other couples who are struggling in their marriages. And even if they’re not, we just want to strengthen what they’ve already got that that’s so rewarding to serve alongside my husband to have those same ideals and convictions. And we’re able to pour into other cup bowls in that way. So I feel like we have this really unique opportunity because because my husband is a pastor. And so so that’s how I would say, you know, we’re able to do that the most.
33:44
That’s awesome. Yeah. And your website and your life coaching. Yeah,
33:47
yes. Yeah. And that’s been a springboard for a lot of things. Yeah. And my husband’s willing to let me be honest and share about some of our struggles as I write on my blog. And not every husband. I can’t imagine, you know, my husband is so good to let me and I don’t ever I don’t write in a way that bashes him. And, and there are occasions when I’m a little more frank about what goes on. But I always asked him, I said, you know, is this going to be okay that I share this and every time he like, yeah, yeah. Because we want to help other couples grow stronger in their marriages.
34:27
Yeah. Yeah. That’s awesome. Yeah. And you’re so humble about it, too. You know, you’ve been at this for a long time. You know, you
34:38
are you telling me I’m old? Is that what you’re saying?
34:42
Not at all. Wisdom is the best way to talk about it. Wisdom doesn’t happen in a short amount of time. No, that’s wonderful. Okay, so if there if there’s a specific book or program could you recommend?
34:59
Yeah. Well, you know, I mentioned earlier or you mentioned maybe boundaries, and marriage is one of my all time favorite marriage books. So, so that’s a great one. But one that was really instrumental in my marriage is called intimacy 100 day guide to lasting relationships by Douglas Weiss. He is the one actually we there’s a section in there that talks about being very specific and intentional about your, your sex life and setting aside, whatever night you let that you let that be known you, you agree on that, and you work toward that in your week. If it’s, you know, if you can do twice a week, great if you can do three times a week, that’s great. It’s up to the couple, but you are specifically planning it and scheduling it. So he was instrumental instrumental in that, but there was
35:52
thing because he is so comprehensibility with marriage.com national culture. Versus
35:59
just got a lot of
36:00
time where he
36:04
helps you to strengthen your marriage. So, so yeah, that was that was just a really great book. That has been, you know, something we have utilized those those principles over the years.
36:19
That’s great. Yeah. Okay, well, I’ll have these both resources linked up on the show notes, so people can hear. So if you could go back to year one of your marriage and sit yourself down? What is the piece of advice that you would give to you?
36:37
Yeah, um, I would say that, being aware of who I am in Christ, because like I said, I came into marriage with all this insecurity and inability to really accept myself or love myself. So how could I let my husband love me? I really needed to understand who I was in Christ, and how much Christ loved me. And if my husband rejects me, every single day, every single moment, I have the bridegroom, I have a lover of my soul, I have my husband, you know, like that verse in Isaiah says, it, I have Christ who is there to wrap his arms around me and to pour into me the love I need, and in pouring that love into me, then I’m able to love my husband, not with my own love, but with Christ’s love. And I think that’s so key to so. And I didn’t understand what that meant as, as a young wife and bride, I didn’t know how to do that. So a lot of it has to do with just really walking with God and getting to know him and praying and, and letting him be the one that really helps me navigate these really rough waters in marriage.
38:04
Yeah, yeah. I love that. Yep. Really getting that your firm foundation, getting your, your worth from God first, right? Almost.
38:16
Yeah. Yeah. Well,
38:19
that this has been wonderful. let our audience know where they can find and connect with you online.
38:25
Yes, messy marriage calm is my blog. We also have connect to marriage ministry calm, which is the marriage ministry, where my husband and I do workshops. Right now I have worthy to be his calm, which is my coaching website, but it’s going to be shifting to another. It’s going to be more of a speaker platform. So you can find me in any of those places, though. And, yeah, I just, I just want to be able to help couples and wives as much as possible. So So I hope that that some people will look me up with me and my husband up to
39:06
Awesome. Well, I will have that on all the show notes. And this has been really wonderful. Beth, thank you so much.
39:13
Well, thank you, Bella, it’s been great talking with you. Yeah, I really
39:21
loved what Beth had to share with us after 30 years of marriage. One thing I really enjoyed her saying is, even if he was wrong, I have a responsibility to respond in a right way. And I think we can all apply that in the way we respond to our spouses. You know, God’s looking to us looking at us, and asking, you know, where is your heart? Where’s your character? How are you growing and stretching and so often when we are tempted to get angry and we’re tempted to lash out or respond in a negative way? It’s really an opportunity for us to grow, and we’re missing it, we’re missing it. So I just hope that you would be encouraged to fight well and, you know, bring God into your disagreements and be intentional about listening to your spouse and, and working to understand them, rather than trying to figure out what you’re going to say next, work on understanding where they’re coming from. I love this philosophy from Stephen Covey says, Seek first to understand, then be understood. So you want to understand before you want to be understood. So that’s where I think that active listening piece is really wonderful. Well, again, thank you for joining me, I hope that you’ve gotten a lot out of this podcast. Next week is the solo show just you and me together. So I hope you’ll come back for that. If you haven’t gone to delight your marriage.com I’d encourage you to go there. You can check out my book, delight your husband, and also my video course with the same name, where I really walk a wife by the hand and I bring her into an understanding biblically, what God thinks about intimacy in marriage and how she can become confident and sexy and really enjoy that piece of her marriage and really understand his mind and fully understand his body and how to work with all of those pieces together to become the woman that you want to be free and sexually free in the marriage bedroom. So I really focus in on that in my book and video course I’d love for you to check that out. You can watch the first video for free so go to delight your marriage.com Click on Resources. Thank you so much for joining and I will talk to you next week.
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