Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Financial challenges aren’t easy. They are in fact the #1 reason for divorce. How did her marriage survive when things got really stressful financially?
When you’re stressed tensions run high in the household. Often the last thing on your mind (especially for women) is making love.
Amy McKinley, a wife and mother believes it is what brought them through the serious challenges in their marriage. Find out more about her app here.
God doesn’t promise us an easy life. We will have struggles throughout this side of eternity. But, our marriage can be a place of respite. (CAN being the operative word). Listen to hear how this wife was able to work–during the stress–to keep her relationship with her man strong, so they were unified in facing those challenges.
30% off of Intimacy Coaching with Belah until Nov 24, 2017!
Check out Amy’s app—here’s their hilarious video!
Transcript
0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host belah. Rose.
0:18
Hi there, and welcome. This is belah rose, thank you for joining. Now, I’m not sure if you’ve listened to the podcast before, but we often do either solo shows, or journey interview shows. And so the reason I love to do solo shows is because I really focus in on a topic that I feel maybe God has put on my heart to really educate, empower, inspire women in particular areas of intimacy. Or I love to do journey interviews where I bring a wife on, and I talk about her marriage journey, and what she’s learned and the principal things that she struggled through and what God’s taught her and how and today is no different today is a journey interview with a woman named Amy McKinley, she actually has developed a very cool app, where it makes sex into a game, which is pretty fun. So I wanted to share that. The other thing is, I was wondering, how long have you listened to dBm? You know, I’m hopeful that you have received insight and inspiration over the months, or even years depending on how long you know, we’ve been together on this journey. I’m so grateful that you have spent time with me in it. Like I said, I hope insight and even education has become available to you through this podcast. My question to you is, are you still having challenges? Are there still difficulties that you haven’t been able to figure out, maybe certain blocks are just coming up again and again, and you’re just not able to get through them? Maybe there’s certain understandings that you feel like you if you just had them, you could get to a better place with your spouse. You know, intimacy is vital to your marriage, and your impair It is vital to the way you interact in this world. I mean, marriage is the most important relationship to you the most important human relationship. And your human relationships affect your relationship with God, they affect your ministry, your commitments, your your work, your parenting, everything is connected to how your intimacy is in your marriage. So if that’s challenging, it’s gonna reverberate everywhere else, whether you like it or not. And that’s deeply how I feel. And that’s why I do this work. But truly, not everything can be handled on a massive scale, if that makes sense. If I don’t understand what’s really going on, and there’s still issues that you’re having, we might need to spend time one on one wrestling through these things, me helping and coaching you through the challenges understanding why you’re, where you are, and how to move you forward. That’s why I love coaching. Because that’s truly my strength is helping someone change in the ways they want to change. That’s why I do this podcast. But coaching is really where we can get in, do the hard work together and get you to the next place of intimacy that that you want to be but also that I believe God wants you to be he wants you to be an amazing intimacy with your spouse. So I would love to work with you. You can feel free to go to delight your marriage.com Click on Resources, then click intimacy coaching with Bella, because the holidays are here. I would love to work with you with a special 30% off discount. So be sure to go in this month to get that discount. If this is a husband listening and you’d like me to work with your wife. Maybe this is the opportunity to to bring her into this. I look forward to working with you one on one. Again, delight your marriage.com Click on Resources, intimacy coaching with Bella in order to get that gift of 30% off this month. So do that right away. All right, God bless you. Let’s dive in
4:43
All right, welcome back to let your marriage listener I am excited to have Amy McKinley on the show. Hi, Amy.
4:51
Hi, how are you? I am good.
4:53
Welcome to the show. delight your marriage listeners are excited to have you.
4:58
Thanks so much. So, Amy,
5:02
we’d love to have you just kind of start off by introducing yourself a little bit about your family and your day to day life.
5:12
Okay, um, gosh, I just feel like I’m in the prime of life right now. I wish I could freeze time. It’s exciting, adventurous, fun and challenging all at the same time. Every day. I have been married 15 years to my sweetheart. We’ve met on a blind date and got engaged quick, and there’s no better person I’d rather be with in this journey. We have four kids, we have a son who is 13. And then three girls who are 10. seven and four. So we are busy. Yeah. It’s, it’s fun. It’s so exciting, though every day. Um, yeah, I opened up a business a few years ago. So I was a stay at home mom for my first 1011 years of marriage. And now I am doing both mom and business and it’s great. Wow, super fun. Super fun trying to balance life, you know? So.
6:08
Yeah, right. Oh, I love that. That’s great. Well, and can you tell us about a little bit your, your and your sweethearts, personalities?
6:22
Yeah, so I’ll start with him. Um, gosh, I, I just felt like we really complement each other. I think if I was to describe him in just a few words, I would probably put number one honest, faithful, loving, romantic and just sweet and very determined. I wasn’t sure how I would explain him. And for me, I feel like, you know, a lot the same. We’re pretty similar. Probably. I’m probably a little more opinionated in our marriage. Not in a bad way. Probably just a little more. voiced my parents opinions, I guess. She’s a very good listener and very good to communicate. So we have very good communication. I, I would probably describe myself also as a little more reserved. I am an artist and graphic designer on the side. And so I I’m good, you know, on a computer, and he’s probably a little more like to be more business oriented out with people. He’s really good with people. Okay. That’s probably how we complement each other a little bit. Yeah.
7:42
Cool. That’s awesome. Yeah. Are you familiar with introvert extrovert? I am. Okay, so do you? Do either of you classify yourselves in those ways?
7:55
I’m probably not. I still love people. I still love going to lunch with friends and being social and hanging out. And so I think we’re probably pretty average. Okay, one way. A bit extreme. Yeah.
8:09
Yeah. I find a lot of times people are either extrovert or introvert, or they are kind of one or the other. But anyway, so it sounds like you both are kind of kind of average, in the middle of
8:23
average, we both like to hang out. We both like to be alone and just kind of do our own thing too. So yeah, I don’t know. Yeah,
8:29
that’s good. Okay, well, before we get started, you know, this whole podcast is really about inspiring wives to live, wholehearted intimacy in their marriage. And, you know, that’s physical intimacy, spiritual intimacy, emotional interest, intimacy. And so just to start off, could you share a scripture or a quote that has meant a lot to you over the years?
8:54
I can’t think of a scripture right offhand. But I just we’re both firm believers that a marriage just really takes having God involved, you know, and that’s just huge. I don’t know how people make it through marriage without involving God and prayer and faith. And it just changes everything. It just helps you be more forgiving and more patient and knowing that there’s a higher power. And that marriage is not just for this life. I just don’t know that this changes everything to me. That marriage is not just for this life. I love that. Yeah. I believe that and I just believe that we have such bigger goals than just this life. And that makes decisions and and marriage and every aspect of marriage just so much easier when you’re involved God in prayer.
9:48
So with that in mind, would you tell us a story of a difficult season, or maybe a struggle in your marriage
9:59
Okay, Well, I would probably say that we haven’t had any major, major struggles, I would say, you know, we were both in the real estate mortgage professions when the first economy crash hit, and so financially, things got really, really hard. And that can take a real toll on a marriage, when you’ve got all this financial stress and stuff. And for us, I just feel like, you know, having that faith and that patience to get through those trials, and knowing that we have each other that God would help us get through hard situations, and that we were best friends, we could make it through anything. And, you know, we made it, it was a hard couple years for us, you know, I was staying home and I was having babies at the time and, and things get tricky and marriage, but you know, there’s so many different trials that can hit you at different times in your life, and just having faith and, and sticking by each other. And having trying to have patience, can really get you through that. And it did for us.
11:06
You know, when they do statistics on reasons for divorce, financial stress is often number one, you know, it’s usually sex and finances are like the two major. So I’m sure we’ll be talking about sex and a little bit, but in terms of the financial stress, like how I think so many people have that as an issue that like some of the biggest issues in their marriage. So what I guess what kind of guidance can you give the wife listening who’s going through, you know, the worst time of her marriage because of that.
11:49
So, by financial stress, I agree with that, it’s usually has to do with sex or financial. Financially, it’s really hard when your husband is not able to provide for a long period of time to keep that respect for your husband as the provider. And I think that’s where it gets tricky, because it does actually affect your intimacy and sex like, so. Yeah. So they’re actually intertwined, because for four months, it was really hard for me, when I had so much stress on my shoulders, and women, and I’m sure we’ll get into this, women are very much emotionally need to be connected with their spouse, you know, when they’re intimate. And it’s really hard when there’s a lot of stress coming from other areas or for a period of time when it’s a long period of time. And you know, that respect as a provider is going down. That takes a big toll on your marriage, and your sex life also. And so I just, I think what got us through, honestly, getting us through that couple year trial of that financial trial, was that I was very, I’ve always been a very sexual person. I love being intimate with my husband. And I can honestly say that, keeping that alive, even when I wasn’t in the mood for him, because that’s a need that he has. And I know that men have that need, and women do too. I really think that when you’re going through something hard, making sure that you’re staying intimate together, is going to it does help keep you together. Yeah. I think that’s really important. And I think that I’m glad that I like to be intimate with my husband, because I really feel like that got us through that trial.
13:38
Wow. It’s so good. I mean, I know we’re gonna talk more about your ministry soon. But I mean, that’s really so key. So huge. I think you can’t underscore it more. So actually, let’s talk a little bit about that. When you I mean, in the midst of this financial stress, when you felt like you couldn’t respect him, because he wasn’t able to provide you just grinned and buried it. You were just like, well, we’ve got to make love because that’s what’s going to connect us. Is that how it went?
14:16
I want to say completely because obviously, I mean, financial, being a financial provider is just a piece of the pie. I mean, he’s still my best friend. He’s still the father of my children, and I still love him more than anything. I mean, I think you always do. I think just when things get stressful, it’s a great way to connect, bring back what you’ve always felt. Yeah. And I don’t know. It’s just it’s sex is a gift from God. And I just, it’s how you become one with each other and making sure that that remains a priority in your marriage. I really feel can get you through any trial.
14:55
Yeah. So then when you got out of The financial challenge was it? I mean, how did it happen? What, what changed?
15:07
I actually opened up my own business a couple of years later, I decided that it was my turn to pull some weight. And my kids were growing up a little bit was easier for me and in a situation where I was able to do that. And so it didn’t just change overnight, but I took on a responsibility also on my shoulders, which was also a whole nother thing in itself, you know, yeah, taking on motherhood and a business and still trying to, you know, how, I don’t know, just, that’s a lot for, you know, for women to try and balance both. And, and so I yeah, it changed in a way that I didn’t think that my husband really, it changed our marriage, because all of a sudden, you know, it was a it was a real partnership. Like he had to step up. Be, you know, half mom, it was it was good for a marriage. You know, he became the romantic help around the house do everything for the kids, which was huge. Yeah. And what an incredible it’s incredible to watch your husband be awesome like that. I guess that’s the right way to put it like,
16:14
yeah, it is. Yeah, it’s very sexy to it is absolutely what a turn on. It’s true. It’s true. My husband is now the full stay at home dad. And it is amazing. And I so often are just tell him, you know, thank you for taking care of our family. Like, he’s absolutely. You know, I think it’s a shame in our culture, how, how, how that’s not a wider opportunity for for men to do that. Because they really are taking care of the family when they when they do that kind of work. It’s incredible. So yeah,
16:52
well, I think I think it’s so good for a marriage to because we both been on both sides, we know that the stresses that both carry, and that mothering is just as hard as going to work. I mean, right. It’s both it both has its challenges. And we’ve seen both sides. And it’s amazing now because it strengthened our marriage, because we have such a genuine respect for each other’s opportunities, and we balanced our family. Well. Now, you know, I feel like we both pull equal weights, which has caused our marriage to only get better at it, Edison, and that in that makes your intimacy even better when you’re when you’re on the same level. So
17:31
yeah, that’s awesome. And it almost seems like the way you’re talking about intimacy is almost like ah, I lost it. It’ll come back. I was trying to say it’s almost like you’re talking about your intimacy. Oh, like one affects the other your life is affecting your intimacy, your intimacy is affecting your life. Is that think about
17:55
it? Yeah, absolutely. Oh, we women are complicated. Like, we are all mental when it comes to sex, yeah, you’re half physical, it takes longer physical, you have to have things done, we have to be warmed up. There’s just I mean, we are kind of complicated, you know, and it’s, it’s wonderful when you figure each other out in that area, and it takes years.
18:28
Yeah, what do you mean, figure each other out?
18:31
Just figure out each other’s not just sexual needs, but emotional needs physical needs. Like it’s just, we’re humans are complex, you know, and, and we’re designed so different that? I don’t know, I think it takes a lot of experiences and marriages to really figure it out. And that’s what’s so great about marriage is that it just gets better with age because we continue to grow and learn together.
18:57
Yeah. Yeah. And I like what you’re saying about it gets better with age, I fully agree with you. But I feel like a lot of people would not agree with you. Because they’ve built up a lot of baggage or they’ve built up a lot of, you know, experience that has taught them that doesn’t it was much better in the early days when things were easier because they didn’t have as much. Yeah, baggage. And I guess, could you address that?
19:27
I agree with you. I think it’s all how you look at it. Um, I guess that would take me to my next story, please. Um, so I feel that marriage gets deeper. It changes. It’s not always better. I guess it’s better if the way the aspects that you look at it again. So when we first got married, we came from very different backgrounds. I had a very, I came from a very loving home. Very Christian parents. Right marriage, very affectionate, very intimate. I could tell, I could just tell you know, they were very appreciative and, and close and affectionate towards each other. My husband came from a broken marriage, family with a broken parents divorced when he was 14, his family was split apart, right after a little more of a complex situation. But his parents didn’t show a whole lot of love or appreciation towards each other, they grew apart. And so when we were dating, you know, he wanted me over, I got lots of flowers and dozens of roses left at my door. And home cooked meals, you know, I know it was very romantic. I’m like, Oh, this marriage is gonna be great, right? And then you know, you get married. Few months into it the flowers or start my first Valentine’s Day I cried myself to sleep, because I didn’t get roses only wait a second, I got him every day when we were dating, you know? Yeah. And he and I, no more candlelight dinners. You know, he’s like, Well, we’re married now, you know. And we, it was okay, because that was the first time that I had to open up and be like, Okay, we’ve come from different backgrounds. And so that that first Valentine’s day after we were married, we had a major, major discussion, it was, I need these things after we’re married, I don’t need them. When we’re dating, I need you to constantly be doing these little things, that means so much to me, continuously, and not just have them stop. And that was eye opening to him. It wasn’t because he didn’t love me less. Or he didn’t want to be romantic. He just had never seen his parents do those kinds of things when they were married, you know. And so it was eye opening to him. And he’s like, I’ll step it up. You know, he’s like, I know that this is important to you. Now I know, these little things still mean something to you. And they did, even though they were an all little love note here, there. It still meant a lot to me. And so he it was a great conversation. And after that he tried a lot harder. And it led to other things and deeper conversations about his parents marriage and mine. And we had a lot of discussions about what we both needed in a marriage, you know. And so I guess that’s where I’m going with the whole thing is, I guess it depends, you know, if you’re looking at marriage, okay, it’s different now. There’s baggage, whatever, we’ve gone through problems. We’ve gone through trials. Yeah, if you think it’s gonna be flowers and candlelight dinners, your whole marriage, that’s not going to stay like that kids calm, stress comes, you lose jobs, you lose. People, like, things get really hard. But I guess for me, it’s it’s more deeper now. It’s deeper. We’ve learned to make it through those things. We’ve learned to make it through the trials. And we become closer because of those trials. And I guess that’s why I look at marriage now. As as better. Mm hmm.
22:58
Yeah. Yeah, I think, yeah, I like that. You say marriage gets deeper, that is really true. Because the suffering that you guys do together in life just puts you closer? Well,
23:14
it can put you closer, it can break you apart. And it’s sad to see the world now because it’s breaking way too many people apart. And, and I look at the cute old couples, you know, their 8090 have made it 5060 years together. And I’m like that, to me. That’s love. That’s because people are back in the older days. They were staying together and they were sticking it out. Because there was a deeper love there. And so yeah, I don’t know. I guess that’s just how you how you look at it.
23:45
Yeah, yeah, it’s interesting. So I’m gonna mark what time we are at right now because I’ve got to ask my husband if I’m allowed to say these things. So we’ll find out but, um, when we actually got engaged it was, you know, we had already talked about marriage, we had planned the whole thing, but our engagement actually involved fast food. So I was less than excited. And then that’s kind of what happened throughout the first years of our marriage was just like these forgetting holidays and all these these these events that like meant so much to me, and, you know, my heart was broken that my birthday was completely forgotten about and I you know, cried at midnight and you know, woke them up, but like look up lately. And I’m like guys, trying to console you know, like, get him to understand the depth of hurt and pain he was putting me through. And honestly, God was So kind because literally, it’s so funny. But one book has revolutionized the way I’ve thought about these things. And it’s the book that I’ve often mentioned, it’s called surrendered wife on my, on the podcast. But it basically taught me to let go, and to stop trying to push him to change or make me happy. And instead really appreciate the really small things that he does, like just the small, wonderful things that he does every day. Every time he’s, you know, whatever, he’s took the trash out, or the tiniest, tiniest things. And then as you you know, move forward in that you then start to say things like, Oh, I’d really like that. And then slowly, it becomes something that happens. And then oh, I so appreciate that. That happened, you know, and he kind of, again, it’s an amazing book, but all that to say that we had our anniversary this week. And it was a surprise. And he walked me, he got the kids, he figured out the kids babysitters, when I came home from work early to get dolled up, there was flowers in every room. And then it was a surprise dinner cruise around Manhattan. And it was just amazing what God did. But it’s also one of those things that like, I used to be this person that just like had to have it my way. And then God just totally transformed it in a way of like, just let go. And just appreciate and see what God does. And so it was just anyway, I’m just so so grateful that ultimately God can change things around. So if there’s a wife out there who just feels like so broken, and so heartbroken that she’s not receiving the kind of affection that she deserves. And God loves her enough to give her those things that ultimately, you know, there’s hope, there’s wisdom that you can learn, to give you insight on how to deal with your specific situation. But don’t lose hope. You know, I think that was something that I wish I had heard that, that your husband can change, and you can change first. And you can be the person that changes in a way that will allow the relationship to become a relationship that’s more godly, more centered on serving each other, loving each other. And the best marriage, the best unified marriage, then ultimately can serve God the best so. So I encourage you in that. So kind of funny, I went back and asked my husband to listen to that part, if I was allowed to share it with the audience. And he was like, Yeah, in fact, you should do a whole show about that, how you changed how I changed how things were how they are now and pretty hilarious. So I am going to do an entire show. That’s going to be episode 165. So join me again to listen into, yeah, the details, the gory, heartbreaking details of my pain.
28:24
And, and then how I changed and the specific things I did differently. And then how my husband responded and change to pretty amazing. God is so good. So come back for that. Also, next week 164, I’m going to have Amy’s part two, and she’s going to be talking about her app a little more, we’re actually also going to go through kind of step by step the bells and whistles which are cool. But also just her story and what she’s learned. And we talk about, you know, God’s love being so much more than our love for our spouse ever could be and how vital that is and how that interact. What that has to do with intimacy, and how does that have to do with marriage? It’s just, it’s cool. So yeah, stick around for for next episode on that. Also go to delight your marriage shot calm. Consider how we can start working together one on one to get you to the next level. Like I said, there is no reason to go forward any longer without having these things figured out. These issues sorted through who else are you going to work this stuff out with? Who else knows this stuff, and that you trust to get you to that next spot? I mean, if your husband trusts my show, if he listens to this stuff, and he thinks I’m on to something, I would love to work with you so that we can get you to the next level so that you can enjoy yourself so that you could feel free in intimacy It’s time to go to delight your marriage.com Click on Resources, click on intimacy coaching with Bella. Take advantage of this 30% off gift. It’s time to do it. God bless you go there today, and we’ll talk next week. Bye.
30:19
Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion