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Sex is Better In Marriage. If it’s better, why is there so much divorce and so many unhappy marriages? Its better but it’s also harder.
Here’s why sex is harder in marriage:
- You see the good, the bad & the ugly.
- You have to be vulnerable and that’s messy & uncomfortable.
- You see them in the mundane…when you’re brushing your teeth… how can they be sexy to you?
- You have to maintain attraction to one person
- You have to be intentional about passion, spice & excitement
Why sex is better in marriage:
- It’s real. Its not a performance where you have to be perfect. It’s your real heart and real body. You can let your hair down and be who you are in your sexuality.
- It’s not going to end. So you don’t have to have this fear that if you don’t please him, he’ll leave. Instead your motivation is to make your forever relationship amazing.
- You find out what he likes, and get to practice that and hone your skills on his particularities for years.
- No fear of embarrassing yourself. He is the safest person there is. A person who promised to love you through it all and to never leave… feeling silly is something you can do with him.
- Sex is spiritual. Its not just a physical experience and you get to explore that in marriage. The peace, joy and love bleeds over from life and into the marriage bed and back out into life.
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Be intentional about the spice of your sex life:
I’ve released the first 2 parts of a new course I’m really excited about: The Seduction Course.
I didn’t feel I could give the specificity I’d like to on a public platform like a podcast or website. So I’m including VERY practical understandings and examples you can use immediately in this course!
Right now you can get the course at its lowest cost (it will go up in the following week as the 3rd part is released). Check out The Seduction Course now.
0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah rose.
0:18
Hey there, and welcome, I am so glad that you’re here. I hope that this is going to inspire you and pick you up and encourage you today. And that is my goal. Now, I feel like we are fed this lie over and over and over again, that sex and marriage isn’t great. In fact, it’s not worth waiting for, it’s not worth saving for it’s, it’s, you might as well just have fun before you have to get married and all the sex stops. You know, sometimes you hear men talk about marriage as the old ball and chain, you know, where they’re controlled, and sex dries up. And it’s this terrible thing. In our society, I mean, less and less people are getting married because of that lie from the enemy. And it’s a lie that that sex outside of marriage is more interesting and more fun. And, you know, women are more exciting, without being married. And I think, you know, what I want to do with dy, um, I don’t know, if you have been able to listen to basically, the vision of dy M. with the purpose behind it, is what I mean by vision, but I feel like God made it very clear early, early on in this ministry was that it is to make it clear, and make it real, that sex is better in marriage. Because it is, and it should be. And we have to be intentional about that. But it is better in marriage. So I want to talk about what’s the problem here. The problem is that sex is also harder in marriage. And I think that’s why the world has the world and all of us Christians included, have gotten in a space where many of us think that sex is just not as good in marriage, and a lot of men especially just they don’t want to propose because they think the sex is going to dry up. So here are the reasons, the five reasons that I think sex is harder in marriage. And then I’m going to talk about the five reasons sex is better in marriage.
3:01
So before I get too far in, I want to tell you about the seduction course I am currently releasing it. It is to give women Christian women, the guide the manual, Step A, B and C how to have a hot sexy marriage. So what’s packed in this course I’m going to just run through it really quickly is what is seduction? The three necessary components of seduction, the four steps to steamy yet sacred seduction. And throughout I get tons of examples. I speak specifically to language. Why would language be something that’s so important in this will language has the power to make you wildly excited? Or really humdrum or turn you off? And how is how is something that may be so negative outside of your bedroom actually be appropriate in the confines of your marital conversations? I want to talk about that specifically, I want to talk about actions. What’s okay and and not only what’s okay and why it’s okay. But more specifically, let’s get examples. Let’s give example conversations example text messages example. phone conversations example in person language, sample situations, example activities, example actions, the three things to steer clear of at all costs, my favorite seduction tips that will help you stay focused and feel sexy and you get in the mood. And then how to make it genuine from your heart, your body, your spirit, right because it’s not just about the the outward, but how does it the inward. That’s what this course is about. I’m releasing it right now. I have released part one last week. Part two is being released today. So right now the price is the lowest it’ll ever be. Because next Tuesday, when I release that following section, it’ll be a higher price. So I encourage you get on the boat right now, get caught up, do section one last week and section two, I’ve got homework for each of them. So you can get really changed. That’s what I want for you to get change to make your marriage hot and steamy and spicy. So you’re enjoying it. So you’re having a great time, and so is your husband. So check out that delete your marriage.com, click on Resources. It’ll be at the top the seduction course. I’ll see you over there.
5:48
Okay, well, let’s dive back in five reasons sex is harder in marriage, I think it’s important for you to know what you’re up against as a married person. Why does the world think that sex is not that great in marriage? Why is sex one of the highest reasons people get divorced. And more than likely, it could be the very highest reason. It’s just not cited as such, because either people are embarrassed to say that’s the reason they got divorced, or because sex wasn’t there. To the degree it should have been or to the frequency or to the generosity that should have been or to the spice that it should have been probably all of those. And so it caused a lot of other problems, like just strife and pain and hurting and affairs and financial issues, and stress and strain mean all those things and then ending up in divorce. So why is sex harder in marriage, these are the five reasons I wanted to share with you. First of all, and maybe this is like, the most obvious one is that when you’re married to someone, you get a pretty close up view of the good, the bad and the ugly. You know, when he shaves and leaves all the stuff all over the sink, right? You know, when he doesn’t pick up his socks, you know, when he’s being selfish, or he eats all the ice cream, when you are planning on having a bowl, there just are things you know about your husband that no one else does. And if you weren’t in such close living quarters, then there probably wouldn’t be that knowledge, that understanding of the negative things. And so that makes it harder, because it’s easy to focus on those things, it’s easy to understand him as this person who is not perfect, who is not the ideal. And so you’re not always, you know, turned on by all those negative things that might be present, but might not necessarily be a good thing to focus on, or to meditate on all those imperfections of your husband. The second one I want to mention is related is that it’s harder in marriage, because the fantasy is not real. Or I think out of marriage when someone is dating someone, even if they’re living together. There’s this kind of fantasy, that’s okay. So I kind of want to explain it. Like, if you don’t know someone that well, you can kind of fantasize about who they really are. Or it’s intoxicates exciting because you don’t really know them. And so you just are idealizing who they are or you think they’re a certain way when they’re not that way. You just don’t know them that well enough. So that’s, that’s another piece that I wanted to mention. The other thing that I think a very important one is in marriage. It’s key to be vulnerable. You can’t you can’t be in marriage without being vulnerable. Sooner or later. Your distance is going to either break you all or there’s just going to be times where you will be vulnerable. I mean, you just have to be you have to be relying on each other. You have to help each other when each other gets hurt is in the hospital needs help. That’s this vulnerability that’s there in marriage that isn’t nice. saralee there when you’re just dating someone. And that’s messy, right? You want to be self sufficient. You want to just be sexy, you just want to be this performance queen. And you can’t be because vulnerability is messy. Right? It’s, it’s not, you can’t just perform, you can’t just be fake about your sexual experiences. It’s, it’s, it’s impossible because you know, this person knows you. They know you deeply, and you just can’t be fake. And that makes it harder in marriage, because
10:41
it’s harder to be seductive with someone you know, so Well, it just feels like they’re not gonna see me as sexy. They saw me, you know, brush my teeth a minute ago, that’s not sexy. How? How am I supposed to make this person turned on and, and have this exciting sexual experience? When they see everything? It’s it’s all hanging out? Like, how am I? You know, they know, they know me in sweatpants, it’s I’m not only wearing dresses and tight jeans in front of them. It’s my normal, my normal self. And that’s why I think it’s harder because we, we get in this understanding that vulnerability is not attractive for we can’t be attractive to them, because they know us. In our worst, that means they can’t in in our most open and most messy. Alright. I think that is three that I said, I might have gotten. Yeah, three. Okay. So the, the fourth one I wanted to mention is that it’s hard to sustain passion in marriage is because when you marry someone you commit, to be faithful to this person. And so when you commit something like that, you are saying, I am forsaking everyone else, I am focusing on you. You are the one that I’m attracted to, that I will choose to pursue with my thoughts. With my words with my body, you are my pursuit forever. And that’s hard. That’s hard, because woman or man, our thoughts run away, don’t they? I mean, the mind is evil. I think there’s something like that in the Bible that the mind, you just there’s lots of, there’s lots of challenges in thought life, right? We have to keep our thoughts captive, we have to redirect our thoughts. There’s lots of ways to do that. But the point is, it’s not easy. It’s hard. And if you’re not married, to the people that you’re sleeping with, even if you’re dating, and it’s, you know, an exclusive dating relationship, but you’re sleeping together. It’s, you didn’t promise that person you weren’t going to think about other people. You didn’t promise that there wouldn’t be fantasies that were going on in your head of someone who just walked by or someone who just was hitting on you or flirting with you. Right? You didn’t promise them that you weren’t going to think about others or lust after others. But when you’re married you did you promised that you were only going to be moving towards this person. And sex has a lot to do with your mind. And so if you’re in a dating relationship, you can be fantasizing about other people get turned on and still only be making love to one person, possibly. But in marriage, you are saying I’m thinking about one person, this one woman, this one man. And that’s hard. That requires work. It’s awesome. There’s lots of positives. I’m just telling you that it’s hard because all of action, all of behavior starts in the mind. And so when you went affairs, all these negative, horrible things started in the mind, not keeping those things captive. The next one I wanted to say was the final one is intentional. intentional about keeping your marriage spicy about keeping your passion alive about being playful, seductive, exciting. That’s why the seduction course is so important. Because if you’re not there if you don’t have that spark, you need to get it, because it’s hard to maintain sexual excitement. Unless you’re intentional about it, you have to be it’s impossible to maintain it without because the status quo is is, is nothing is blah.
15:19
Right? Because because life gets busy, you know, babies happen, kids happen. You know, work gets in the way, there’s plenty of things to say I’m too stressed, too tired. There’s too many bills to pay too much stuff to do too many church commitments, too many soccer games, there’s just too much to do, I can’t spend this hour with my husband. Because it’s too much. I feel gross in my body, I have gained 20 pounds, he doesn’t want to see me anyway. You know, we fought yesterday, I’m not interested, there’s so many excuses. You have to be intentional about your marital space and excitement. And that’s why it’s hard to have a wonderful sex life in marriage. And that’s why we have the difficulties that we have today in society of 50% Divorce rates, and 25% of those that stay married are unhappy marriages. So those are the reasons I think sex is hard in marriage. Now, let’s talk about the other side, five reasons sex is better in marriage. And I’m telling you what I’m rooting for this side. All right. One is it’s your real heart. It’s your real body, it’s your real soul, your real spirit, is what you are doing in marriage. Once again, that vulnerability, yes, there’s an element that you could say, Oh, it’s terrible, because he sees me at my worst, he sees me in my sweaty pants, and you know, gross hair, or whatever. But what’s beautiful about vulnerability is your guards are down, his guards are down, and you’re connected. And it’s real. And this is a real human that you are engaging with. It’s not fake, you actually have real connection. And that’s what fulfills people. When it’s real. It’s not just a performance in front of someone that, you know, you’re not going to see, or maybe it’s, you know, a long standing relationship, but it’s not. It’s not committed, it’s not, it’s not something that you both said, You are my one and only forever. And that’s, that’s what marriage said and, and, and that’s what you have this opportunity for vulnerability to be real with your spouse. Number two, it’s not going to end. That’s what’s beautiful, is there’s a fear in dating relationships. There’s this uncomfortable anxiety, which in some ways motivates which is why I think sex outside of marriage seems to get a better rap. But so, in a way, it kind of puts you on edge as a woman. If you’re not married, you’re kind of like, well, he could leave me at any moment. I got to keep him happy. It’s not empowering for women, that feeling but as a woman in marriage, to realize your marriage is not going to end so steward it well. So cultivate it well. So you know, make your garden beautiful, because this is your plot. This is your land right here. This is your life. This is your husband, your marriage, right? So cultivate and do it well and beautiful, not motivated, because you think someone’s going to take it away from you. But no, because embrace what God has given you in your marriage as your husband as your husband’s sexuality, his drive, this is your appreciate what you have been given. You know, when someone appreciates what they have, they tend to they care for I just have this vision of a beautiful garden that someone has made gorgeous, because they really invested in it. They really said this is mine. And I love it.
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And someone else who just said well, it’s they’re not it’s not going anywhere. I’ll just, you know, let it go. And then There’s weeds and there’s, you know, it’s, it’s brown, and it’s, you know, unhealthy and it just, it’s terrible and everyone feels bad just walking by it. But then the beautiful garden is just a life giving joy. And it’s the same plot of land, it’s just as equally good, quote unquote. And so it’s, it’s your marriage, and how are you going to appreciate it, how are you going to invest in something that’s not going to end. And, but the reason that’s better is because you know, it’s not going to end, no one’s going to take it away from you. So your motivation is not fear, your motivation is joy, your motivation is gratefulness, that’s a much more fulfilling reality. And it allows you to focus on things other than just this fear based running to keep keep the man happy, right? Instead, it’s this joy, it’s this potential for life. And, and, you know, just enjoyment of the, of what you’ve been given so. So it’s not going to end that’s number two, number three. Because you’re together for years, you get to understand each other, you find out what each other likes, you find out how each other functions, you understand what areas of your body really get him going, and you know how to really turn him on. So that’s exciting. If it’s short lived, you don’t get that time. And along those lines, because it’s so long, this is the number fourth reason is you don’t have fear of embarrassing yourself. And you don’t have to have it perfect right away. Because it’s such a long time, forever, all your life, you have the time to get it right, quote, unquote, or just get it more interesting or more fun, or you know, a little bit, you fall over one time, because you were trying to do something sexy, and it didn’t quite work out. You can love it can be silly, and that’s okay, you can be embarrassed in front of the one man that should know you the best, he’s the safest person to be silly in front of, you can do that, because he is your husband, he will be there forever. And that’s good. And that’s okay.
22:50
And you don’t have to worry about making mistakes, and and that person walking away. Because they’ll they’ll, you know, not think that your sexuality is good enough. Instead, you are growing it, you are making it better. You’re improving that garden all the time. I mean, whatever. However, that metaphor means to you or helps you, I hope it will. But you don’t have to be afraid. And that’s what’s so beautiful about sex and marriage. The other thing, that’s the last one I want to touch on is spiritual. It’s not just a physical experience. But it sustains your life together. So there’s peace and joy and spiritual togetherness, that bleeds into every part of your life. And it bleeds back into the marriage Betances beautiful exchange of wonderful, generous, exciting, passionate, fun, you know, wonderful intimacy with your man. And then that impacts the rest of your life where you’re joyful, and you feel free and you feel connected and fulfilled, and you can do all this other stuff, because you’re not deprived of affection. And then you come back into your marriage bed and all of that joy and goodness that you just experienced in life comes on back in there and just back and forth. It’s a really wonderful continuance. And I say spiritual because the way we connect with God, that same word to know in Hebrew, it says yeah, da it’s, it’s called Yeah, da, which is what Adam and Eve when it says, Adam knew Eve, and they begat Cain and Abel, and it says, to know, over and over and over again in the Old Testament, and that means to make love to have sex and to have a baby, right? Because to know and then have a baby. Well, that same to know is also utilized in our connection with God. And so it’s powerful to understand God, when you understand your marriage, as this exclusive one on one connection that’s unlike anything else. And the passion, excitement and goodness and joy in all sorts of different experiences are available. And that teaches us more about our relationship with God. So the spiritual element, you know, anyone who’s had sex in the past, and fall in love with someone, and it was a sexual relationship and all that. They know, sex is powerful. Everyone does, it just is an experience that it they know it’s powerful, it’s more than just skin on skin. It just is. And so when you have sex with your husband, it just continues to glue you guys together, over and over and over again. And it’s a fulfilling glue, it’s not a glue, that the fear is they’re going to leave me. And all this love I’m giving them and feeling right now is going to turn into despair. And all those beautiful experiences we had eventually will be depressing, sad ones that I’m going to try to forget. So instead of you, you know, having those negative things, as someone who’s dating, the marriage, and the beauty in marriage is that it becomes the spiritual fulfilling part of your life, which is so wonderful.
26:44
So I hope I’ve sold you that sex is better in marriage. And being intentional about it is vital. I recognize it’s harder, because you do have to do the work, you do have to make sure you’ve got the energy and you’ve got the focus and you make space in your life. And that’s really important as women you really do. You have to make sure that you make space in your life. It’s not just the hour that it takes to be intimate, but it’s the days and make sure your stress lovers are down in it, make sure that that you’re not asking too much or yourself or others and, and that you are able to have peace in your heart so that you are able to be intimate. I mean, there’s a lot of things that go into that. I know, it’s not the easiest thing, which is why I wanted to start out by it’s harder. But I’m telling you what, it’s better. Sex is so much better in marriage, and I want it to be amazing for you. And I want this course to change your life. I really do. It has the potential I truly believe to get your heart right. And to give you the very practical stuff to make your marriage amazing. You’ve got to have it. It’s so vital, and it’s so good. So all right, let’s wrap up this conversation with a quick prayer for you in your marriage. Lord, I ask that the wife listening on the other end, would believe that sex will be better in her marriage than anything else she’s experienced or anything else she has thought about or dreamt about or hoped for. God, I pray that whatever piece of hope she needs right now, I asked that you would give it to her. And I asked God that you would transform her marriage bed to be better than anything else. No comparison. And God, I asked for the grace that she would be able to take her thoughts captive. And I asked for the grace that you would give her the energy that you would help her to align her life so that marriage is an priority under her relationship with you. And before her relationship with her family and her kids. Lord, I pray that intimacy is something would happen consistently and generously, wholeheartedly and passionately, God. And Lord, I pray that you would do what you need to do in her life, how whatever she needs to make that a reality. I pray that you would do it. In Jesus name, Amen. So I want you to be prayerful about what your next steps are. Obviously, I’m, you know, I feel really excited about the course and I feel like that’s going to help a lot of people. But maybe that’s not your next step. Maybe your next step is to quit something that’s stressing you out and is not what God wants you to be doing right now. Maybe it’s to change priorities and make different choices. Maybe it’s to start reading up on things or look into some resources. Is it’s, it’s up to you, and it’s up to you to discern. But I do want you to take a step this week. Don’t let this week go by without taking a step in this direction. God bless you. I’ll talk to you next week. Love you.
30:20
Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion.