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Well, by now you know that I’m a fan of The Surrendered Wife. It has changed the way I think and I am so grateful. Well, this time I have some of the more challenging questions answered like…

-What about when you have fundamental differences?

-What about different parenting styles?

-Marriage therapy ever a good idea?

-What about when he’s nasty but you don’t want a huge issue by saying “ouch” and leaving the room?

-When you’re vulnerable but he hurts you because you’re vulnerable

-How do you share your feelings (that are negative) on big things? (Assuming your surrendering the small things)

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host belah rose.

0:19
I’m not sure if you’re new to the podcast. But if you have been here for a while, you know that this show is all about drawing you closer to your spouse, but ultimately, with the aim of drawing you closer to the Lord. Today, I spent some time with God actually spent the whole day walking around the city and I spent time in a big, beautiful Catholic Church, it was really incredible. I spent time journaling and praying. And what I specifically was asking myself, What does my relationship with Jesus look like? Now, most of the time, I journaled directly to Jesus, and, you know, talking to the Father and just discussing life and Prairie, preparing, praying, and but this time, I really felt challenged to understand what does my relationship with Jesus look like? What am I actually doing day to day am I spending time in His Word in prayer and reflection and in meditation in the ways that I my habits, my rhythms of the day. And I really encourage you to take a moment to think about that. Because ultimately, we don’t want to be Do do do for for the Lord. And then we actually didn’t end up knowing him. You know, there’s a part where Jesus talks about that is, you know, but you might come to me and say that, didn’t we cast out demons in your name, didn’t we, you know, give to the the sick and the needy, and then go, you know, Jesus ultimately says, Go away for me, I never knew you. And so I encourage you to be thinking about your walk with Jesus, as what? What do you do every day? What does your life look like? How are you having and being in relationship with the Lord of Lords and the King of kings who you have access to? At any time. So today, we are focused in on marriage once again. Because when you have peace in your marriage, you can do far more for God, than when you have a strife filled marriage. And the woman that is that God really used to change that in my marriage was Laura Doyle. And I’m so excited that she’s on the podcast. Again, I have a few other episodes with her, I encourage you to just search Laura, in my delight your marriage.com. And you can find all the times that we’ve spoken. And I really encourage you it’s it’s totally worth listening to the rest. But yeah, today is an awesome interview. Next interview is awesome. Before I go into the interviews, let me have two more announcements, or two quick announcements for you. This one is the seduction course, I’m just about ready, are just about finished releasing that. So I encourage you, it’ll be it’s the lowest price right now that I’ll ever be. So go ahead and sign up as soon as you can. It’s a really wonderful course to encourage you in how and give you motivation and excitement and specific understandings and why it’s okay in God’s sight to be really steamy and hot in your physical intimacy with your spouse. The second news piece of news is that I’m going to start releasing podcasts every other week rather than every week. This is going to be I think, a good move for the podcast and where God wants me to really be focusing in my energies. And I just encourage you, you know to take the extra time to really digest and allow the the content to sink in as much as it needs to for your life. All right, well, God bless you Let’s listen in I think it’s an awesome awesome conversation

4:43
All right, welcome back to let your marriage listener I am so excited because I have one of my absolute favorite authors and someone that’s transformed my marriage and so many that I have Laura Doyle, welcome I’m so Glad you’re here.

5:01
It’s great to be here. Thanks for having me back.

5:04
Oh my goodness, I am so blessed. So, so blessed. You know, I actually bulk order your surrendered wife book and just hand them out. I really do.

5:14
Think that’s so sweet. That’s so good. Yeah,

5:18
it’s true. And my listeners know that I frequently reference what I’ve learned because it’s just so impactful. And, and now having read the surrendered wife book, because for me, that was I’ve read, also empowered wife. And then also, I’m almost through as things will get as good as you can stand. Oh, my goodness, that was so impactful as well, but surrendered. Why, for me was so impactful. And I remember after having read it, just seeing disrespectful, wives all over the place, and controlled husbands. It’s just, it’s like, your eyes are opened, and you’re just like, wow,

6:05
yeah. It’s crazy. Isn’t it? Just, it’s like having a new pair of glasses that you’re wearing, and it gives you this special vision you didn’t have before? So relate to that experience?

6:17
Yes, yes. And, you know, obviously, delight your marriage, I get a chance to have really amazing authors on and have read a lot of marriage books as a result, and previous to that and everything. But yours absolutely stands out as a really a game changer. So, so, so happy that you’re back. And I have got so hard questions for you. So are you ready? Ready? I believe it, I believe it. Answers. Yes, yes. Yes. Okay, so preemptively, anyone who’s listening, I highly encourage reading the book. So this is like level two. Okay, so I wanted to ask you about, you know, let’s, let’s say that a wife has got really the foundations of, you know, really surrendered wife philosophies of, you know, of relinquishing control of respecting her husband, of making herself happy. And being willing to be the one that’s really the attraction rather than the force, you know, forcing her husband to do it. So let’s say she’s got that she, you know, really trust him and encourages him and, you know, in his strengths and makes him feel like a man in those ways. But what about and decides not to criticize and can, you know, really focused on not doing that. But parenting, for example, is is just an example of fundamental disagreements. Let’s say that a husband and wife just really cannot agree on how to parent. But that’s, that’s high stakes. Right? If you can’t parent together, well, you know, maybe they’re like, significant issues. What? What are some thoughts you have on that?

8:14
Well, I always like to say I was the perfect wife until I got married. And I can still say, I’m the perfect mother, because children start this conversation. Ah, no, no, I’m still the perfect mother. Because I will say, fortunately, you know, most of my coaches are parents. And so we get to see this. This in action, the idea of, I’ve got this idea about how to parent and you’ve got that idea of how to parent how do we do this? Yeah. So one of the stories that really sticks for me is coach, Stephanie has toddlers and her younger son went up to his dad and bid him and the dad reacted and just hit the kid hit the kid and scared him so much, the little boy just like wet himself. And they made him sit in the corner and it just rose up or like, how could he do this to a toddler. And so she but in that moment, she was also she’s very steeped in the intimacy skills. And so she decided to just honor that her husband is a good father overall, and that he’s not having one of his best moments, just as all of us, you know, have those moments that we’re not proud of. So she just reached out and touched his arm. And she wanted what she wanted to say was, you know, I don’t think we can teach the kids not to bite by hitting them or whatever, and is just reached out and touched his arm and just like kind of acknowledged him and honored him in that moment. And He turned to her and he said, I don’t think we should ever hit our kids. And I think she’s doing it. Like he just got that insight for himself. And I heard that story on the same I was at church, the church for like weekend or event that we have. I heard that story in the same at the same time, I heard this other one from a woman who had a teenage son. And she heard her husband swearing at this teenager and braiding him. And that also broke her heart. And in that moment, she just decided to stay out of this relationship. That was, you know, they were having their own relationship, and she just let it be. And she walked away and went into the bedroom. And she said, she was amazed, oh, no, she, she went up to her husband and gave him a hug. Everyone had kind of split up, she went up and just gave him a hug. And a few minutes later, she heard them talking. And they were both crying, both the teenage boy and the man, were crying, and the father was apologizing to the teenager. So what I see is that we don’t get it, I see a lot of women. And I think it’s natural, normal, get that Mamabear response, like, no one’s gonna treat my kids that way. And, of course, fathers also want good things for their kids, you know, they want to be good dads, and they’re not going to be perfect. So there’s just so much to be said, for letting him hear his own conscience in that moment, and finding his own his own way finding his own path in that relationship with the kid. So those are two of the stories that I’ve heard that have been powerful and moving for me, that I think are kind of good examples of how to navigate when, of course, you don’t agree at all, yeah. is doing.

11:44
Does that mean you never, or you would suggest just never directly talking about kind of a fundamental disagreement like that.

11:55
I think that as women and wives, so much of our power is in expressing our desires, desires, the seat of feminine power, that’s how we can really move mountains without moving a muscle. So I think I think one thing that can be really powerful is just expressing your desires. A woman told me this story recently where their son’s away at school, and they were going to take a trip, and she wanted to pull him out of school to go. And the father didn’t think that was a good idea. So she started kind of debating with him about it. Like, you know why it was a good idea. And that was going nowhere. And she changed it up. But she just said, You know what, I just would love for our son to come on that trip with us. And all of a sudden the dad was like, Yeah, okay, you know what, we can make that happen then? So really, there’s just so much to be said, for tapping into a pure desire without expectation.

12:52
Hmm. Well, so sometimes I do that. So today, I work from home, and my husband is a stay at home dad. So it’s cool. Sometimes we’re in the house at same time, sometimes he’s out of the house. I was hungry. And I had to go to the bathroom. So I walked out of where I work. And I was like, I’d really love to have something to eat. And would you know, and so he came in and started making some food. But I think I get the Inkling sometimes of like, he probably I’m nervous that he’s, he feels he has to or like I’m kind of giving him a checklist. I’m just saying it a little differently. What do you think? Oh, well,

13:39
um, you know, I just, I’ve asked 1000s of men how important it is to them that their wife is happy. They all say the same thing. Every single person that I’ve asked, every single man says, oh, it’s like it’s everything are the most important thing. In the United Kingdom. They say it’s imperative. All these men like we’re really important life goal for them, is making his wife happy. And so and I see it so much where, like, I just had a woman sharing that she wanted a day to herself. She has six children to on a day to shop. So her husband started taking the kids all day, every Saturday. He does all the grocery shopping. He takes them with them. And she has his whole day to herself, and telling him like what a difference this is made in her life. And it’s really transformed their marriage. And she was just saying, like, gosh, I just am so happy. You know, it’s so wonderful to stay to myself and his response was, you know, I could take him for another day. I can also take him say he was like wanting to pile on he’s wanting to do more. So he I just have really had to come to terms with like, like you’re saying things will get as good as you can stand right is the receiving the more I’m willing to receive graciously from my husband. I mean, that man just will truly program serves to make me happy. And then we’re both happy. So it’s just a wonderful system. I love it.

15:08
So good. Okay, so, so when here’s, here’s a thought about anger, how it’s being, because I was talking to a listener, and she was talking about her marriage. And I might explain it a little bit. So you can kind of talk maybe more specifically to the situation. So her husband really struggles with anger. She grew up in a very kind of calm household where, you know, no one ever yelled at each other, it was very calm. And when they had a disagreement, it was, you know, commonly discussed, he grew up in a household where there was always shouting, when you got upset about something, you just let it out, you know, and it wasn’t, you just get angry about anything, anything might turn you off and get you angry, and you’ve got to get really upset about it. So now as married people, when he’s angry about something, and it might, most of the time, it doesn’t have anything to do with her, but he’ll express it in such a way that it really bothers her. Where it, you know, causes her to get stressed and frustrated all these things. So, he thinks that she represses anger, and she thinks that he expresses it unhealthily. What are your thoughts on how they can move from where they are?

16:35
Isn’t it exciting that there’s two genders, and they’re totally different, we see the world so completely different, right? Like this example you’re doing is just one of the myriad ways that men might see things differently, or just the couple, right has totally different perspectives. And it sure does broaden your horizons to be married, right? Like I, I always joke about how like, I wanted everything to be the way I thought it should be when I first got married. And I should have just saved us both a lot of time and married myself, because then everything would be my way all the time. So situation, it’s interesting, because so I hear is that he will be letting off steam, like he’s just so mad that the male comes late in the day. And she’s like, wanting him to calm down and be more even keel. And I just know, for me that a lot of times when my husband’s not acting the way I want him to act, and I’ve got an agenda for how he should show up in that moment. There really is like an undercurrent of control, I’m afraid of something controls always about fear. And so it’s just really interesting for me, like, whenever I’m wanting him to change how he acts, it’s what is it, I’m afraid is going to happen. And maybe she’s just afraid that he’s gonna work himself into a bad mood. And then she may suffer from that. But the other story that comes to mind is I remember one woman said, every day when her husband came home from work, he was always in a bad mood. And so she would work to like, cheer him up and kind of get him out of it. And it just seemed to get worse, it just sort of spiraled downward. And so finally, she, she realized, like, Oh, I’m going to just attend to myself care, he might, in a bad mood, it wouldn’t be my choice to hang out with him in that moment. So I’m just going to go find something I love to do. So she so he came home from work one day, he seemed like he was in a bad mood. And she, me, she was cordial and polite, and everything and great to see you. And then she got her gardening gloves on. And she went out into the garden. And so and she was just playing with her flowers and stuff and kind of had forgotten about the whole thing. When she looks around and who’s behind her with his gardening gloves. Well, husband has a good room now. So just her deciding to focus on her own happiness really changed the dynamic of how that their evening went. But there was a definite decision for her to focus on the thing that she can control, which is herself. And there’s so much magic in that.

19:09
And so you wouldn’t suggest because that’s beautiful. And it sounds like, right, she decided this is what I want. What I’m going to enjoy is what I’m going to do, but she wouldn’t say it wouldn’t be a good choice to say something like, I’d really love to enjoy our evening together. Babe. What do you think about that? Well,

19:31
for for me, I mean, what’s the subtext of that message? Here, he said, down. Has anyone ever come down in the history of the world because someone else told them they should calm down? I’m aware, right? We’re still waiting for that discovery to happen. So it’s so fun, really all the things that you know, we intuitively thought was To help our relationships, right, like I remember reading so many times, like, like, I wanted my husband to be more affectionate because I felt so lonely and neglected. And he just, I read it everywhere. It’s like, Oh, you just have to communicate, you have to let him know that you have a deep concern about his lack of affection or whatever. Like I do that. And it just totally doesn’t work like that does the opposite of what you want it to do. So the world is full of like, bad relationship advice makes me want to punch somebody in the nose sometimes. But so for me, that’s like another great example of like, something, someone would say, that’s well meaning, but it’s not going to get the desired effect. In my experience.

20:42
Yeah. Yeah. in case anyone’s wondering, Laura has a lot of experience with hundreds of 1000s of women, her books have reached, so just so you know, there’s a lot of understanding here. Awesome, okay.

21:03
I was trying to, it’s my proudest accomplishment is still that I saved my own marriage from the mess that I had made of it. You know, I was really right on the edge of divorcing my own husband. And really sad and just unhappy, miserable for years. You know, until I got the skills and applied them to my marriage. And I just remember, you know, seeing this face light up one time when I came home, and that had been gone for years. So, you know, for me, that’s still this my biggest my best credential? I have. I have. We’ve been married, it’ll be 29 years in September. And I have the marriage I dreamed of when I stood the altar and said, I do. And oh, my gosh, it wasn’t that way. It wasn’t that way in the beginning. So because, you know, I just hate for people to think that. It’s, I’ve always, you know, I have this perfect edge. And I always have it wasn’t, it was my biggest weakness. And now it’s turned into a big strength.

22:06
Yeah, that is so true. Yep. I think that is, it does, it kind of shows that wherever you are in this journey, dear wife listening, you know, Laura has been there, too. I’ve been there too. And, and suddenly, I mean, it’s something that’s interesting that the thing that was most profound in my marriage was, my husband felt very, probably mothered is the best way to say it. I felt like I was mothering him. And he was supposed to be the, the, the adult, the husband, and yet he was acting like the child and I was treating him that way. And he felt like I was mothering him. So he was unhappy by those things. And, you know, no initiative. And then having been able to relinquish that control, and under your guidance, you know, I just really surrendered wife book was just the most significant change. It just was huge. And yeah, I can’t be more grateful. He. He’s incredible. He, he now, he’ll do things I don’t even know he’s done. Like, I found out at a party that he signed up our kids for school, the next year, like, I live in New York City. So you have to like research all the schools and you’ve got to decide what are your top five and like, everyone in the playground stresses out about this, because it’s such a big research decision and all this stuff. I didn’t even know we had applied and my husband’s like, oh, yeah, I did the last week.

23:48
And now, look at all

23:54
not at all so yeah, it’s it’s a huge turnaround. Yeah, it’s it’s huge. I mean, that’s just one of the intense amount of things that he does for me now. But um, okay, so, question for you then moving on. Um, so I want to get through like questions. marriage therapy. Is that ever a good idea? What do you think? Oh, gosh,

24:18
you know, I think there’s always exceptions to that rule. Yeah, good point. But I have to say, I just have so many issues with it. Fundamentally. I just know for me when I dragged my husband, it was not it wasn’t so I could work on myself. It was so she could fix him. And then I could finally be happy. So it was a big hypocrite. Right? Like, I mean, isn’t that how it worked fellow like him. Okay. So that that’s all but also most marriage counseling starts with focusing on what’s wrong. And now that I know what makes marriage work. What makes it playful? passionate and fun and like your soft place to land. I know that a lot of the things that go on in marriage therapy are the opposite. Like, yeah, go to a stranger and complaining about everything that’s wrong with your husband in front of your husband. So disrespectful. And respect is like oxygen for husband. So you just dug your hole deeper. So I look back, I’m like, no wonder we thought, after every marriage counseling session, because we were and we were really focused on the problems, and what you focus on increases. So these days, I choose to focus on my husband’s wonderful qualities. He’s got many of them, he’s got plus two. Of course he does. He’s a mere mortal man, just like I’m a mere mortal woman. But gosh, to spend an hour week complaining about each other. I mean, no couple ever got happier that way. So yeah, say, take the money and go buy a pedicure, instead of going to do more to make your marriage happy. Or your favorite ice cream or massage or, you know, just go and have a latte? And, uh, you know, just go do something that makes you happy, would be a much higher recommendation for me.

26:13
Wow. That’s awesome. Well, what about when your husband is nasty to you?

26:22
Yes. Well, um, you know, this is a really, this is a great question, because I used to think that because my husband was nasty to me, that it really meant something super terribly wrong with our marriage, because I thought if we, we loved each other, we wouldn’t have these, these awful breakdowns where we’re both we’re both so upset, and so hurt. And so for me, one of the one of the things I’m just so grateful, that I learned to do in those moments when he’s hurt my feelings, is to just use that one word, ouch. Just Ouch, nothing else. And it feels incredibly vulnerable, because it is incredibly vulnerable. Especially, you’re letting him know, like, okay, that that landed that hurt. And it feels like he’s the enemy in that moment. But of course, he’s really not my, my husband never intended to hurt me. Still never does, right. So if I am getting hurt, it means like some things, there’s been a miscommunication, right? Something’s gone awry, but it’s not that he meant to hurt me. And just that one word, ouch can be a great way to just honor myself in that moment. And also just leave him to hear the voice of his own conscience, like 99.9% of the time I say out, not only did I not escalate the argument by making a, you know, a retort back, but I almost always get an apology. Because that’s not what who he wants to be. That’s not what he was trying to do. So we had an example, it doesn’t happen very often around here anymore. You know, we just, I’ve been using the skills for a long time. You’re it gets to be your habit. And it just feels like you’re cruising altitude, but the other day, we have a new TV remote. And I was using it and I don’t know how to use it. And he was, you always pressed the wrong buttons. I was like, Oh, he’s like, You’re right that like I’m sorry. Huge, like personal insult reading, but I just was like, yeah, that’s not, that doesn’t feel good. So it’s just even little things that can just be really powerful. If you can find the courage to use it does take some courage to say ouch. It does. It’s easier to accuse back, isn’t it? It really is. It’s very tempting. very human. Right. But not it’s a counterfeit. It’s the counterfeit, because it always feels gets me so gratifying to just let him have it. And you know what, it only ever left me with a hangover. And it hurt the intimacy in my relationships made me lonely. So never was worth the price of admission, but always felt like it was going to be

29:01
Yeah. Yeah, it’s so true. Um, what? What if you feel like ouch isn’t enough, like he won’t understand how it hurt me if I don’t say something a little more extensive.

29:18
Yeah. It’s very tempting to right. So that comes up all the time. I think that is like the intuitive reaction is like, I’m going to say Ouch, that hurt me. And then I’ll tell him why. Yeah, yeah. It’s kind of funny cuz like, even like two year olds understand out you know what it means and yet we look at our like 30 Something husbands and think, like, Yes, I’m gonna have to break it down for him. So, um, and yet, it’s really a great example of where I’ve just found that less is so so much more like, just because I’m hurt doesn’t mean that he that he anything, right? It just is a way of honoring which so for me in that moment, and I’m not attaching or blaming, just owning my own experience in that moment. So, for me, it’s usually to the detriment to add anything. But, you know, one of the things I love about the intimacy skills is they’re not rules. They’re just tools. And so I’m always encouraging people to just, you know, you can just experiment with this, you know, just experiment, saying out, and let’s see how it goes for you, you know, and if you don’t like it, you can always go back to what you’re doing now. Because, yeah, that’s the nature of experiments. It’s try things on, like a code at the store to see if it fits. And if it doesn’t fit for you. Well, you’re the expert on your own life, you know, what’s best for your situation?

30:51
Yeah. Yeah, I like that. Alright, well, how do you? How would you suggest sharing your feelings that are negative on big things? So. So what if it’s very, like, unique to women? And he wouldn’t, so maybe he would, maybe he would say ouch. I guess the thing he could do is he could ask you wait, I didn’t mean to hurt you. Or how did that hurt your feelings? And then you could explain it? Or is that kind of the idea? No, or you wouldn’t explain it?

31:36
Yeah, I actually I had this happen once with a family friend, he’s we’re super close. He’s like my brother. And he said something to me. It is something about me being vindictive is what he said. And I said, ouch. And he said, Why are you calling me a jerk? I was I thought I didn’t. He goes, Well, you’re saying that I said something rude. And I said, I just said, ouch. And I really just stuck to my stomach to my out. And he just was so frustrated in that moment. And he was like, Yeah, well, I think you’re saying that I was a jerk. And then he said, Maybe I was kind of a jerk just now. And then. And then he said, he was sorry. He said he was sorry. So I just find it’s just the cleanest feeling. You know, I didn’t, I didn’t engage. I could have right I could have gotten into a little battle. He was ready for battle. So I could have I could have gone to battle with them. And we would have both come out Bruce. Yeah. But I was able to keep my dignity, which felt really good. And that and a relationship repaired really quickly to what he did. Yeah, we think that hasn’t been my experience.

33:06
What if it’s not a word? Like, what if it’s not words that hurt? So what if it’s just you, you come in just to hang out with your husband? And he’s like, I’m going to go upstairs and he just leaves? How do you kind of,

33:22
huh? Yeah, I mean, I remember that feeling really vividly just feeling so lonely in my marriage. Like he didn’t want to talk to me. He didn’t want to make love with me. And I was super insulted and hurt. And so one of the things I love about practicing the intimacy skills is that I’ve gone back to being the magnet that my husband fell in love with like magnet to steal, right? So a lot of times I thought I needed to say I remember saying or saying to him, hey, the average couple has sex two and a half times per week we haven’t done it in two weeks so I think we should like you know, we should have sex was so attractive, right? So unappealing he didn’t want to have sex with me even after I said that if you can imagine and but it was going back to like, you know, being the goddess of fun and light like I was right or being like remembering why I respected him so much going back to being vulnerable and and just just being happy being grateful all those things made it so like this guy is just always seeking my coming to me. I work at home too. So I’ll be sitting on the couch writing a blog on my laptop and he just wants to come out he just sits right next to me like he just want a can’t get enough right so this is a guy like I couldn’t seduce him to save my life. Wow, I can’t get enough so the it’s it’s that magnetism is what I want most of all right like I don’t want to say like out and have him be like Oh, gosh, I guess she’s right. I better give her some attention. No, I want him to like, find me irresistible. And that’s what the skills are given me.

35:08
Yeah. Well, I’m sure everyone’s on the edge of their seats. Do you mind doing a summary of the skills for us?

35:15
Sure, sure. Great. So the first skill most likely to be overlooked as I say this, people are gonna go, yeah, yeah, what’s the next one today has to do with my marriage. The Indispensable step to creating an intimate, passionate relationship. And that is just making yourself ridiculously happy every single day. And the way for me, everything had to be really practical. So the way I do that is by finding at least three things a day that I do, just for my own pleasure. So they’re not to increase my cardio fitness or reduce greenhouse gas emissions or whatever. It’s just, it’s just the only payoff is that they to light me. So three a day, at least of those. And then the second one is relinquishing inappropriate control, which really sounds a lot harder than it is. But this is the skill where, like you were speaking Bella about how your husband takes so much more initiative, enrolling the kids in school, not only did he not consult you about it, he didn’t tell you he was doing it, right. He just did it because he’s the man, he feels like the dad, he feels like he has that authority. And so that’s the skill is when we like really stopped mothering. And just treat them like the adult men that we fell in love with. So it’s really powerful. It’s really at the crux of my it’s my world famous system for relinquishing inappropriate control, because you guys remember being in therapy and hurt saying, cashier controlling, and I was like, Okay, I guess I am now how do I stop? And she said, Yeah, you know, just stop being controlling. And I was like, longer than that, know how to stop telling him what to do, because it didn’t seem like he was like, on top of things anyway. So that’s number two is relinquishing an appropriate control. Number three, is restoring respect, which I thought that I was being respectful, I really had no idea that I wasn’t being respectful. But every time I was offering him, like, a helpful suggestion about how to write a resume, but how to make a budget, you know, every time I was trying to help him, help them in life language is critical, and has been like, and so um, yeah, so I wasn’t being respectful at all, it was really eye opening to figure out to learn what respect looks like to a man and to bring that back into my relationship and to see how magical that’s been in terms of having him stand taller, and be more attractive because he’s getting respect. At home. He’s got that homecourt advantage. Then number four is receiving graciously, which is what the book you’re reading is all about, right? Is things like, get as good as you can stand. Yeah. So this is about how I was pretty lousy at receiving gifts graciously. In my early marriage, I’d say like, why did you give me this? And? Yeah, today, I’m very practiced at receiving gifts, help, complements, and even apologies, with just a thank you, and not, you know, just finding what I loved about the gift or the thought the intention that went behind it. And, and how that has just been really life changing in terms of getting more gifts, compliments, help, and apologies, and also getting things that I really love. And then the next one is focusing your view with gratitude, which is about you know, we all have our husbands have flaws, and they all have gifts. So we can choose what we’re going to focus on. This is the home of the spouse fulfilling prophecy, where you take a complaint and flip it upside down, and you create an affirmation for your husband, especially filling prophecy, and then start gathering evidence for that. And that’s like the change your husband, section, I’d say the skill is is the gratitude one. And then finally, we have vulnerability. And that’s revealing your heart with vulnerability, which is, we talked a little bit about saying Ouch. That’s an example of one of the cheat phrases from the skill of vulnerability. There’s also like I miss you. There’s acknowledging your own limits by saying I can’t let’s cheat phrases that really helped me find the words in this situation to bring my heart where I wanted it to be. And then I found that the more I said those things, the more they did change my heart and I slowly became the wife and the woman that I always really wanted to be.

40:01
Wow. So for. For those that want to dive in deeper, I mean, I can suggest those three books that I’ve just mentioned that I’m reading, but would you say that those are the most? I just think that they have to start with surrender wife. That’s the beginning. And then after that, you know, I feel like receiving gracious, I have to tell you a quick story is that I was at my mom’s house not too long ago with the family. And there was a lawyer that I had worked for when I was in high school. So it was so long ago, but he is now a judge. And I haven’t seen him in so many years. And it was the last day that we were there. And I wanted him to meet our family, my family. And I just thought so I reached out to him last minute. And I was like, you know, I’d love for you to meet my family. Could we just meet you at the courthouse or something? Because I kind of thought he’d probably be too busy. And I and he just responded, he’s like, yeah, come on over or, you know, you know, maybe come on over to the house, and we can show you the place or whatever. And so I was like, Okay, we’ll come over. So we came over our we were getting ready. And he’s like, actually, let us take you out to dinner, we’d love to spend time with you all. And I was in the midst of reading your book I had brought it it was actually Thanksgiving break, I had brought your book. And I was like weighing this, like in my head. I was like I reached out to him last minute. He’s a judge, he has plenty of things to do like this isn’t, you know, it’s totally impolite for me to impose. And that’s all stuff that would have come from my childhood, you know? No, you shouldn’t be polite. Anyway, I just, I, you had really encouraged me to just, you know what, I want to do this, I’m going to accept. And so I did, and it was so fun. I am so grateful that I did. I had a great time, they had a great time he and his wife. And it was just like, we don’t have to be prickly. And, you know, this this whole, like, no, he wanted to extend that gift. And that was one thing that you taught me through that book is that you’re robbing someone else of giving you giving, having the pleasure of giving you something when you’re like, No, no, I’m fine. So

42:28
you would have cheated everybody out, have a great time, right? By by denying him the opportunity to take you guys out just because you thought it would be you know, like, oh, he doesn’t really mean it. Right? That’s kind of where we go. When we use something like that. It’s like he doesn’t really he needs me to take care of him in this moment. So I will write it’s like, respectful approach. But how cool that you received that so courageously Bella love that to receive when things are given so generously. But what a cool, I just have found that that has lent me so much confidence, so much self confidence that I would have missed out on by not receiving. So I think that’s cool that you’re doing that.

43:14
I’m so glad that you joined me today, I hope that you got a lot out of the conversation with Laura, I sure did. And I’m excited to really focus in on these six intimacy skills. Number one, make yourself ridiculously happy. So every day do three things that make you happy. Number two, relinquish control. Number three, restore respect. Number four, receive graciously. Number five focus, focusing your view with gratitude. Number six, be vulnerable. So, again, her books really outline these much more. So but I encourage you to really begin practicing these. And I think there’s a lot of biblical principles that you can pull out of her work. And certainly everything that you pursue in life, I hope that you use a lens when you listen to my material as well but always be pursuing, what would Jesus want you to get out of this? What kind of nuggets can you apply to your life? So I encourage you, as you get the golden nuggets from Laura’s also be considering how does this make sense with scripture? How does this make sense with the calling the walk that God has given me? So I encourage you to just yeah, just just move forward and in, I hope the wisdom that you’ve gleaned in the conversation today. So glad that you join me and I look forward to talking to you in two Tuesdays and I I will be releasing the second part of this interview. It’s fantastic. So I look forward to talking to you then

45:05
thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion