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When I work with women, I think the biggest problem is they don’t have boundaries. And for them to slowly strategically come out of abusive relationships and cause their marriage to thrive instead of the abusive, they have to have boundaries. But it might not look the way you think it will look.
I grew up without boundaries myself. And So I never learned that I was responsible for me: my feelings, my thoughts, my choices, my property, my own things, my privacy… So naturally when I got married, I didn’t think I owned these things either. And I didn’t think my husband did either. Especially hearing the “two will become one flesh”, to me that meant that I owned him and he owns me. So we had to be the same.
However that doesn’t work.
How do you create boundaries in your marriage? How do you make sure those boundaries are respected?
And should we always be “honest” with our husbands? I don’t think so necessarily.
I look forward to our conversation!
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DYM is sponsored by my new business Couragess: Christian Women’s Mastermind group. Would love for you to check out my new site and get my free resource: 3 Habits to Grow Your Confidence immediately! www.Couragess.com
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Hi there, and welcome. Welcome, welcome. I am so grateful that you are joining me on the delight your marriage podcast. If this is your first time here, thank you so much. And if you’ve been listening for a while, I just want to thank you so much. And thank you for being patient with me, my computer boat broke last week, and the thing I got to replace it broke. And so we’re just, we’re having some technical difficulties on my side. So I’m recording this on my phone, if there’s some background noise, or, you know, I don’t have the nice editing before and after intro and outro like I like to have for you. But hopefully, you’re still going to gain something valuable from this podcast. So I wanted to talk about boundaries. We are talking about abuse in this series, because I think that we don’t talk about it. We don’t talk about it. Young adults, we don’t talk about domestic violence to young adults, like we should, I think in the church and outside of the church, and we don’t teach it in our churches about what to do about abuse. We simply say, don’t get divorced. And I just want to speak to that. Because I’ve been abused in my past marriage. I talked about that on the previous episode, called blinders. So I encourage you to listen to that, just to get a little bit of a sense that I was so blind. But today, what I want to talk about is continuing on, is that not necessarily, when you find out that you have been abused, or you are in an abusive relationship? That the most the best thing to do is to bolt? That’s not necessarily the best option. It might be. I’m not, I’m not. I’m not saying absolutely not. But what I like to think of is almost like this idea of the strategic directory trajectory. So it’s kind of like you find out that you’re in an abusive relationship, and then you see that there is a path. That’s going to be a long path. But there is a path to go and get out of it. And so this is the first step boundaries is for you to see where to go next, that there is a path to get out of it. And so I work with women, you know, coaching them, and this is something that I think is really foundational is to understand that they own what’s theirs, but they don’t own what’s not theirs. And that’s called boundaries. So the metaphor that Henry Townson and, sorry, Henry Cloud and John Townson this book called boundaries. And they also have a book called boundaries in marriage, and they have book called boundaries with children. But basically what they talk about is if you imagine that you have a house, and there’s a fence around that house, what that fence does is it says this is my property, it means that anything within these parameters is my choice, I am free to do whatever I want to do within these confines. And there’s the same way for your neighbor, your neighbor has his fence, or her fence, and they say, in the fence means that anything within that fence, they are completely free to do whatever they want. But outside of that fence, that’s not their property anymore. They can’t do whatever they want to. And so healthy boundaries in your life looks like you having full responsibility and ownership over your emotions, your feelings, your actions, your behavior. What you say what you do, your own property, your privacy, your feelings, your likes and dislikes. And so that’s your property. It’s not your property is somebody else’s feelings, emotions, likes, dislikes, their stuff that that doesn’t belong to you. And so in the same way, that’s often what an abusive relationship looks like is that person doesn’t have boundaries isn’t respecting your boundaries, they’re not respecting what’s yours. They’re not respecting your emotions, your feelings, your thoughts, they’re not respecting who you are as a person your property.
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They’re not respecting that you’re separate from them. They think I’m upset so this person has to be upset too. I have to make them upset. Or you You know that the house is a mess, so they deserve for me to yell at them, or there’s just this, you know, when I’m angry, they have to be angry or, or they have to be affected by me. There’s this ownership piece that the other person has. That’s in incorrect. Each person has ownership of their own, only of themselves. And certainly they can talk to the other person, certainly they can discuss certain things, but they cannot force another person. And so that’s the first thing I talk about a lot of times with women is this need for boundaries. And I think what gets a little confusing in marriage is because, you know, in the Bible, and at most weddings, you hear the husband and the wife, they’ll, they’ll leave their their mother or their father and they’ll be joined to their wife, and they’ll become one flesh. And I think a lot of times we get this notion, one flesh means that we become one person, that suddenly we have, everything is the same, we’ve got the same pots and pans, we’ve got the same silverware, we’ve got the same dish towels. Now, suddenly, we have the same car and the same, you know, we need to have the same likes and the interests, we need to be involved in the same activities. And we have the same reputation we need to be upholding because suddenly we are this unit, this family, we even a lot of times have the same last name. So now we’re suddenly in meshed together. And so it gets kind of confusing on like, you know, who owns what, in a marriage. And then I think what happens a lot of times is for women, we have a lot of deep feelings. And so when we are hurt, we respond by sharing all of that hurt with our husband. And so if we are hurt in a marriage, especially in an abusive relationship, where he thinks that he wants to control her, she will just open herself up and be in and tell him everything and share everything with him. And he almost kind of rips it out of her. I think this happens because women really trust their husbands, and they want to believe that their husbands are safe. And that they feel that they should be able to tell their husbands everything. But if you as a wife are really honest with yourself, and you know that if you share your heart with your husband, he’s not going to respect it, he’s not going to, maybe he’s not going to believe your story, or he’s not going to, he’s not going to like your opinions, or he doesn’t want to hear your thoughts on things or he doesn’t care about your emotions, then those are things that he doesn’t deserve to get those are or your certain things that you need to keep for yourself, you need to have safe boundaries in yourself, to know that he’s not a safe person to share my heart with right now. Now, it doesn’t mean that he’s not going to be a safe person, it doesn’t mean that eventually he’s not going to be the man that will be able to safely be able to share all of yourself in all of your hearts with your heart with but right now he’s not. And so when, when your husband is not respecting your boundaries, you’re a person, when he doesn’t respect you as a woman, then then he doesn’t deserve to get all of you emotionally, right? That at all of who you are, you can’t share that with someone who’s not going to respect it. And that’s what you know, sadly, the abusive spouse really misses out on is the heart and the vulnerability of of the spouse. And so what I suggest in terms of wisdom is to realize that you don’t have to share everything with your husband, that you get to be separate that you get to be wise and decide is this something I should share with him or is this something I should not share with him? Because boundaries goes both ways. Boundaries go both ways. Which means if you
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are expecting him to respect your boundaries, you also have to respect him His boundaries, which means if he did something bad to you, you don’t get to respond in a disrespectful way. Because now you are not respecting his boundaries. So here’s just an example. So if, if the husband comes in the room and says, you know, is furious and it’s like, Honey, why? Why is why are the dishes all over the place and the house is a mess? You know, why are you such a slob. And obviously, that’s incredibly disrespectful. It’s incredibly critical, the boundary of respect and honoring her and her choices and who she is, it’s completely outside of the realm of what it should be. But then her response also has to respect his boundaries. So let’s say she’s hurt by that. And she says, Well, you never come home on time, and I don’t get any help with the kids. And, you know, XY and Z. You know, you’re, you’re never here. You’re never here when you should be for your family. You know, she just spews all these accusations to him, because she’s hurt. Why then what ends up happening is that he feels disrespected his boundaries, feel like they’re disrespected. And then it just escalates and escalates. And maybe, because maybe he’s the more controlling of the partners, he ends up deciding, well, you know, she doesn’t get money for this, or she doesn’t get, you know, whatever. Because he thinks in his head, he justifies it to himself, she is such a bad wife, because she was disrespectful. You know, she’s not respecting me. And so, if you’ve listened to my podcast, you’ll know that men need respect the same way that women need affection. And so when his greatest need of respect isn’t happening in his in his home, he feels like he has to take it. And so that’s where a lot of the abuse begins is that he? He feels threatened because he’s not respected. And so then he has to enforce him his way into getting what he needs that respect. So how can a wife respond to a situation like that where the husband comes in, and he spews all this accusations and insults and things that really hurt being called a slob by your partner? It’s awful. And this is stuff that happens in my coaching clients that women tell me about these experiences. And, and here’s the thing. It’s painful, it hurts, it’s wrong. But you can respond in a way that’s wise. And I think a lot of times in Christian Christian circles, we’re like, just be loving, just be loving. And I think there’s actually a time for wisdom in things like this, where it’s time to be wise, so that it will change, not just so that, you know, you love and forgive and pretend that it didn’t happen. And then it’ll just happen again, I mean, be wise, so that he will change. But why is does not mean disrespectful. Wise means why. So let me tell you what I would what how I would respond. And what I think the is a smart and strategic response would be is. Honey, I see that you’ve had a difficult day. It was, you know, this is, I understand that you’re upset about the way things are, are looking in the house right now. I will say that what you just said was hurtful to me. And I’d like to go in the other room. And then she can get up and she can go in the other room. But what was that that was respectful. That was kind of understanding where he was coming from. It also wasn’t excusing his actions. She said that she was hurt. She didn’t accuse him of being a horrible person, or, you know that he did all these things badly. She didn’t start accusing. She also respectfully said, I like to go in the other room now. And then she decided to go there and she and keeping your voice calm and respectful. A woman said to me once, the best way to to speak to young adults.
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You know, a group of young adults is you take the fire out of your voice, you might be angry, but take the fire out of your voice. So I encourage you to speak to your husband. Even when you’re angry. Take the fire out of your voice. Lower your voice calm your voice slow your words down even. And that speaks respect even when you feel in yourself. Like you want to blowed with with pain and hurt with accusations and you want to throw all those rhetorical knives because you feel hurt and blue, bloody and wounded. But that’s not going to change things in your marriage. So what you did in the situation that I’m just explaining is you made some separateness between your husband and you. Because what you did in your head is you feel hurt, but you are not going to tell him all of those things. Instead, you’re going to say, okay, all he needs to know is that I am hurt. That’s all he needs to know. That’s all he deserves to know is that he hurt you, I feel hurt. And then you can go lick your wounds in another room, you can go journal, you can text a friend, and you can cry, and you can talk to her about it. You can also, you know, do something that makes you happy, somewhere separate somewhere where you’re safe. Because that’s, that’s what boundaries is you can control you, you can make sure that people respect you, by removing yourself from situations that are not respecting you. That’s one thing the boundaries book talks about as you are responsible for people respecting your boundaries, it’s up to you, because you’re the only one that can make. Make sure that you are respected, you are the one that that removes yourself from situations, you’re the one that sets boundaries. And you don’t have to tell your husband that you’re setting boundaries necessarily. A lot of times, it’s just clear that you’re not going to deal with insults anymore. And you don’t say that, because that would be disrespectful, right? Because if you said, I’m not going to deal with your insults, even if you said it calmly, what that does is accused him of insulting you. But instead you can in your own mind and your own heart, you can say well, I know he accuses uh, you know, I know, he insults me this way, and it really hurts. So the next time he does that, I’m going to respond and let him know that that really hurt babe. And I’d like to leave now. The other thing is, if it happens again, maybe, then that could require a conversation. But I think the first thing is to really recognize that you are separate, you don’t have to share everything that’s going on your head. And to think about maybe six months, maybe a year, maybe two years, it’s going to get better, your marriage is going to get better, and eventually you will be able to share your heart with him. But you have to decide where is your marriage now, on a scale of one to 10? You know, are you at a 10 where you’re like your marriage is amazing. And it’s growing and you’re serving God and you’re loving each other and you’ve got a great sex life and you respect each other and all these things. Is that a 10? Or are you at a one where like, it is insanely strife filled and abusive and all these terrible things, a pattern and culture of criticism and in disrespect. You know, where are you on that spectrum? Okay, so thinking about where you are now helps you to strategize about how do you get to the next step. When you’re at a level three, you’re not going to act the same way. When you get to a level seven, you know, a lot of marriage experts talk to people about how marriages should be and they’re at level sevens and eights. But what about the people that are at level like threes and fours that, you know, are like, oh, so I’m supposed to be honest with my husband about everything, and oh, there shouldn’t be secrets and all this stuff. And and I would say, you know, does your husband deserve that honesty? Is there a level of honesty that he can handle and an A level that he can’t handle right now. So it’s hard to really know unless there’s, you know, specific examples that you and I are talking about, maybe on coaching, I can have a better, you know, hear what, what’s really going on for you. But I just want to assure you that honesty is not the same as openness. You can be open with someone.
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I’m sorry, you can be honest with someone, but you don’t have to be open about everything. And that’s really what this is. I think we have this miss understanding of what honesty is honesty does not mean that you share everything. Honesty means you’re truthful about what you do share. And you know the way we are in life is we can’t we can’t share everything ever. There’s millions and billions of things that we deal with every decisions and thoughts and experiences and all that. And we don’t share those all with our husband, it’s impossible. We choose the things that we share with him. So when you are being strategic about moving your marriage forward, you need to be thinking about those boundaries, what is strategic that I can share with him? What are the things that I’m going to do. And so now, I don’t want you to feel that now you have to isolate yourself, that you can’t talk to your husband. So now you can’t talk to anyone, I actually completely disagree with that, I think you should be talking to trusted, wise friends that love you and want to help and want to hear what’s going on. I know with my first marriage, I felt completely isolated. No one knew what was really happening. No one No one knew. And I think that’s wrong. And I think we should know what’s going on in each other’s marriages. I think we need to help each other, I think we need to pray for each other. God did not put us on this earth by ourselves, we are supposed to be in community. Now I’m not saying that you need to be sharing, you know, negative things about your husband, with whoever will listen, that’s not at all it’s not gossip, what it is, is, is having a confidant or a couple of confidence that that are going to be helping you that are going to be praying with you that are going to be encouraging you because you need support, you need support to stay married. I mean, that’s why when we have weddings, we’ve got tons of people there because we want them to witness this incredible thing. But we also want them to walk with us in this life of marriage, we want help, because it’s not a walk in the park. This thing of, of being unified and sharing life together with one person. So do lean on your sisters. But remember, you you’re not necessarily sharing the things with your husband, right, depending on what stage you are in your marriage. But do share those things with your with your trusted girlfriends, or a therapist or someone that can give you an ear and help you process and, and journal and think through things. So, I here’s, here’s a good example, I think sometimes of like, figuring out how to at that your husband, if he’s not safe, you need to kind of give yourself some, some boundaries. Let’s say you’re like a castle, you know. And what you need to do is you need to dig a moat around yourself, so that there are not, you know, a moat is like the the water that’s dug around the castle. So that you are not going to be attacked, like there’s not space in there. So there’s this there’s this gap between you and any, any anything that’s coming at you there’s a gap. So you have some space some separateness.
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So, another another thing is just to be thinking about how you can reflect on what is in your boundaries, what is in your control, because once again, it’s not just what’s in your control, you can only change you, which means you also have to respect him. It has to go both ways. So I encourage you this week, to be strategic, to be respectful, and to journal and process and think through what what is within my control. What should I be respected about and respond when it’s disrespected, respond respectfully, but also wisely. A really good thing is to say I feel hurt and leave the room in a respectful way, or Ouch. And then leave the room in a respectful way. Okay, well, we are going to be talking next week, continuing the abuse series. But once again, this is also for women that just have different levels of abuse. It might not necessarily be, quote, abuse, but it also might be meanness or disrespect or a culture of criticism in your marriage. And please share this with anyone that you think would benefit from it. It’s it’s very, very important that you understand boundaries for yourself and for your family. God bless you and let me just pray. Father, thank you so much for the wife on the other end of this microphone God, I pray in Jesus name, Lord, that You would guide her and lead her lord and help her to discern where she is in her marriage and What is the next step? How can she move wisely to make things better? God that, that the pain that she is feeling God, that she doesn’t need to respond to it in the way the enemy wants to respond her to respond to it that will actually destroy their marriage, God that help her to respond in that pain in that hurt God with wisdom, God help her to do that, Lord, only you can do that, Lord, that you can guide her and teach her Lord, and I pray that you would put wise loving friends around her that can support her through this Lord. We love you in Jesus name. Amen. Right. I will talk to you next week. Love you guys. Bye