Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
So… my husband listens to every podcast before I post them. He often gives me notes on what I need to take out or change. I have been podcasting since Feb 2015 (!!) and by God’s grace have been awarded one of the Top 30 Relationship podcasts on the web!!
My husband ended up listening and having an entire page FULL of notes.
POSITIVE notes! (One negative note–not that it was wrong but that it might be a bit too explicit. I countered “I just don’t want wives to be confused with what I’m really talking about”. He said well, it’s ABSOLUTELY true…” so, I left it it in!)
In my almost 200 episodes (!!) my husbands said this is one of the best–maybe THE BEST.
So! I encourage you to listen with an open heart and get ready for some (maybe uncomfortable) truth bombs!
Here is the site I mention where I have collated a sampling of SOME of the emails I get from husbands WISHING (and some even are crying) because they want so badly for their wives to work with me! Seriously…read it… delightyourmarriage.com/husbands
AND if you want to jump in and schedule a FREE Clarity Call where we unpack what’s going on in your marriage, in your intimacy, the baggage and start to shed light on how to move it in the right direction, I am offering FREE 40+ min Clarity Calls. You can sign up here: www.dym.as.me
I don’t know how long I’ll be able to do these for free as it’s a giant time commitment–but I love being able to help women. And if I think I can help, you’re ready, committed and coachable and that I have the specialization to help your SPECIFIC situation I may invite you to be one of the few clients I take on this month. (I truly don’t take on or even invite everyone who wants to work with me). But either way, you get a ton of clarity and direction towards next steps! So, sign up as soon as you can for a FREE Clarity Call with me, Belah! www.dym.as.me
transcript
0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah rose.
0:19
Hey there, and welcome, I am so grateful that you joined. This is belah rose. And what I am talking about today is what your husband really wants in bed. Now I work with women, on a one on one basis as a coach, I’m an intimacy and marriage expert, and award winning podcaster and author. So I love working with women on how to revolutionize their sex life, and really have the marriage of peace and joy and purpose. Because I believe that you can do God’s will better when you have an incredible marriage and incredible intimacy in it. So what I’m actually offering right now, limited time, I’m not sure how long I’m going to be able to do this because I have limited time with this work that I do. But for right now, you can grab some time with me on my calendar I’ve I’ve offloaded some things so I can have some time with you. So if you go to www.dy M dot A s dot M E, and you can sign up for a free clarity call with me directly. So we spend 40 plus minutes on what’s going on specifically in your marriage. And we unpack some of the underlying beliefs that are keeping you from incredible intimacy, incredible emotional connection. And what’s really blocking you guys from moving forward in the marriage that you really want. So go ahead to dy m dot a s dot M E. And, you know, if I feel that you are the right fit, and I feel that you’re ready, committed, coachable, then I might invite you to be one of the few clients that I work with. I don’t invite everyone because I truly don’t want to work with everyone. If they’re not ready to work with me. It’s not it’s not a wise use of my time. And it’s certainly not a wise use of their time and money and investment. So but yeah, it’s a fantastic time on the call with me. Either way, you’re going to get incredible value, whether we decide to move forward together or not. So go ahead and sign up there. www.dy M dot a s.me. All right, well, let’s dive into this steamy topic. I think you’re gonna love it. And I’ll talk to you in a minute.
3:11
Alright, fantastic. So first off, thanks so much for joining me, thank you so much for trusting that I have some insight on this topic. And I want to just give you a little bit of insight on where I’m coming from. So I’ve been doing this work for several years. And maybe you’ve actually been a listener of the podcast for a long time. And I want to just let you know, dear wife, that I get emails from husbands all the time. And I’m at a place right now where I’m busy. I’m busy with doing Do you I am full time. I love it. It’s really incredible. But I don’t know how to respond to husbands at this point. Aside from saying empathetic things, like it sounds really hard what you’re going through, and I understand your pain, and I’m so sorry, what you’re going through. But it’s very hard for me to tell them what to do next. Because if a wife isn’t ready, I can’t help her. I can’t work with her. So I’ve actually taken some time. Just put together a list of just some of the emails I receive on a consistent basis basis. A lot of times weekly, I get emails like this. So I’m just going to read a couple of them to you to help maybe convince you of where I’m coming from and that it it truly is. What husbands are looking for that they’re shocked at the work I do and the level of an stand because they’re there. They’re seeking this third, they’re desperate for the kind of work and the kind of help by God’s grace I’m able to give. So here’s what it says. It literally sounded like you were sharing our story and my struggle in it. I shed a fair amount of tears each time I listened to it. It was the first time I have ever felt like someone else understood, and appreciated my, our struggles. Everything that was shared was point by point me, my marriage, family and background. As I reply here, I still wrestle to fight back the tears. Man, it is so hurts. I have thought numerous times about divorce, but don’t want to. But the pain is huge. And it comes and goes like the tide. Sometimes I get tired of waking up at night in my own tears in love for my wife. I want to do whatever it takes to help her. But my hope wanes. So this is a man that reached out to me. And we did some back and forth. And I asked him to listen to a specific podcast. And that’s when he responded that way. Here’s another husband that says, I feel like I’m trapped in a marriage with someone who just doesn’t care. Now this man is talking about sexual intimacy as as the first as well, but so that’s when he saying he feels trapped. And then he says, divorce is not an option for me. I am resigned at this point to live in a diminished marriage lonely place with my wife, I take meaning and joy from the many other relationships in my life, and find friend and familial love and affection nurtures my heart. But it’s not the same as from my wife. Here’s another one. Now this happens a ton. When husbands basically asked me, you know, how can I get my wife to start listening to you to start, you know, getting on your emails, without, you know, making it clear that I’m the source of that.
7:13
So let me read that one to you says, Have you ever been approached by a husband seeking to anonymously introduce you your work to his wife, I don’t want to be manipulative. And perhaps that is exactly what I’m being. But I am struggling with losing hope for recovery. And then he says after 30 plus years of marriage, I can’t believe I and slash we are dealing with this level of marital unblessed. Not sure if that’s a word, I fully acknowledge that I’m not the best husband in the world. But I really tried to be forgiving, thoughtful, creative, understanding patient and kind. I can’t talk to anyone there because he’s talking about his church. I can’t talk to anyone there because I could never air these most personal feelings and marriage problems to people, or a person who would see us both each week, I could never feel comfortable revealing what our shortcomings in my marriage in my wife, you know, and this is a man who doesn’t want to tarnish his wife’s or vacation at her at his church, but he doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t know where to turn. Here’s another one, I’m amazed at your understanding of the male perspective on intimacy. I also realized that I am not providing you any new feedback on your unique ability to capture the male point of view. I’ve tried to talk to my wife about sensitive issues regarding me manhood, male idiosyncrasies, but it is very hard to be open and vulnerable, at the same time strong, all the while keeping my male ego intact. When it comes to the topic of Penny, you are spot on. Unfortunately, this need that I have is not an easy subject to talk about with my wife, our intimacy is rather vanilla. And while it scratches the itch, it certainly isn’t what it could be with God’s blessing. I know you have offered some ideas to husband on how to ask their wives to take a listen to your podcasts and webinar. Unfortunately, those methods would not work with my wife, she would resent it and see it as me trying to manipulate her for my own gain. She would be more receptive of the opportunity to learn was not delivered by me. I don’t mean to impose but as I stated, I’m desperate for change and advancement in our intimacy. Oh my gosh, okay, so there’s a ton more, if you want, you can go to delight your marriage.com/husbands and like I said, I just compiled a sampling of what I received from husbands because, you know, I’m hoping what this does and me reading this helps you to, you know, see the hearts of men, they they’re not mean they’re not angry. They’re not, you know, abusive men. You know, they’re they’re trying To feel connected with their wives and, and this is what connects them here. Let me do this when he says just another note, this time to say thank you once again for your sensitivity in dealing with a sensitive topic. I’m learning so much about me and about my wife, the people who are affirmed, who have affirmed you for understanding not only of women but of men are so correct. This understanding is helped me know why I at times and frustrated, it has also helped me to pray through those more, in dream of more connectedness, our children have been out of the home for a few years already.
10:42
Let me see. Here’s another one. says, Wow, just some background when I am in the medical field, with a sound understanding of anatomy and physiology. It’s a female dominated field. And I’ve worked in several female, except for me, departments, and in any medical field colleagues do talk about anatomical physiological things that normally will don’t. So I’ve had occasion to talk to some women that sort of get men at some level. But I have never heard any woman that seems to understand and be able to articulate and express the heart of a man as well as you do. It seems to be at a very deep level. How did you learn that? Were you born with that understanding? What did you read? Who did you talk to? It is amazing to me to hear a lady with your level of understanding that you seem to have God bless you in your ministry. And this gentleman has actually also reached out to me several times about the lack of intimacy and understanding of his own wife. And like I said, I mean, it pains me to see how husbands are suffering, and how I can’t help unless the wives are ready, unless they’re committed unless they’re teachable, unless are coachable. Unless they trust that I know what I’m talking about, you know, so what I want to do today is help you to see what your husband wants and sex does he want, you know, once a month, you to turn off the lights and come into bed. Maybe you don’t have that much clothes on? And then you permit him to start kissing you. And then you endure whatever he does next. I mean, is that sufficient? Well, let me just ask you, you know, you as a wife, what is your deepest desire in your marriage? You know, what are the things that make you feel loved, that make you feel connected to your husband that after that happens, you just want to like relax and feel wow, I am so deeply loved in this marriage. That is what it’s like for a husband. Now, what I usually say for wives, what is usually their heart’s desire is to feel cherished is to feel treasured, to feel adored by their man. So that means maybe a long conversation about her emotions about her heart, how she’s feeling. And that, you know, having an attentive listener, the husband just able to look into her eyes and listen and ask questions and, and really feel what she’s feeling that makes her feel heard and understood and cared about and held, held in her heart, not necessarily even physically just held, cared for. You know, maybe it’s also physically cuddling, you know, holding her in a non sexual way, you know, hugging her, making her feel like she’s not alone. Physical contact that has no strings attached. Like that’s something that women crave so often. What is it that you your heart desires in your marriage that says, Yes, this is what I want. If I could get that every day from my man, I would be swooning. I would be on cloud nine. Butterflies would be in my stomach when I looked at him. What is that? What is that? No, take that. Whatever it is. Maybe it’s it’s a date night that he plans. Maybe weeks in advance. He gets the kids you know, play dates scheduled or you know babysitting, taking care of and gives you flowers, cleans the house. You know, and takes you to a fancy place, and you are just so feeling so adored. So in love truly deeply in love. Now take that, take that. And let’s think about what men truly want. You are not the same as your husband, your husband doesn’t want, necessarily what you want in your marriage, that is not the way he feels loved. But what makes him feel loved.
15:39
Let me tell you, it’s a woman that desires him sexually. That desires him sexually. That desires his member, let’s be very clear about it. That loves his member. The loves to touch it, to play with it, to kiss to adore to suck. All of those things is what your husband wants. He wants a woman that loves his member who loves it when he comes inside who loves the feelings of it? Who loves the response that her body has to his member? He wants that. Now is that him being a sex obsessed jerk? Like the rest of our culture that oppresses women and makes them feel bad about themselves and all that that stuff? No. That’s who God made him to be. God designed your husband’s member, he designed your husband’s penis. He even said, this is to me mind blowing honestly. When God told Abraham consecrate yourself to me consecrate every person in your family, all of your servants, everyone consecrate themselves to me and say, God, you are first in my life in my heart, you are first, God said make it physical, make it clear that I really am first. And you know what God asked them to do? To cut their member? Isn’t that? Doesn’t that seem strange? As a woman? Like why would you do such a thing? First of all, no one can see it. Second of all, you know, what? You remember is like so everything else? Why would you cut that thing? It doesn’t even seem like it’s you know, clean, or, you know, like a good thing to do. Excuse me. Um, but for men, they they get it? Because they’re like, yeah, that is the most treasured part of his body. That is what makes him a man. That is what gives him manhood is right there between his legs. And so as a wife, for you to honor, respect, desire, enjoy who he is, that is who he is. And you have the privilege of adoring that, of kissing that of enjoying that. That’s why I talk about penny on my podcast because studies show that men desire that even more than intercourse, because that shows that she is truly desires of him. Intercourse like she can endure. But Penny, she has to truly show her desire. Otherwise, it’s not as satisfying for him. And that’s why I think Penny is so important is because if she’s not comfortable with his member, Penny is not fun. Penny is not enjoyable. And a lot of times it doesn’t even result in an orgasm because she’s not comfortable. And he he’s not able to relax and enjoy it because she’s not enjoying it either. And maybe she’s even making uncomfortable faces. Maybe she thinks it’s dirty or wrong, or sinful. Like what the world shows it as and the world does show it as sinful. I get that and all those things, you know, that sadly, you’ve been exposed to about Penny has probably been sin. I mean, probably 100% is sin, any exposure you’ve had to it? That’s why I’ve reframed it as a whole different word, a whole different experience because that other word those other framings that is sinful, that is wrong. That is absolutely sinful, but in your marriage. That is accurate. That is correct. That is righteous. That is holy. Holy, that is a holy union between the two of you. So that’s number one, your husband wants you to love his member, to love it, to enjoy it, to desire it. And he wants to give you that pleasure. He wants to be the only thing that gives you pleasure. And the second thing is related, he wants you to enjoy sex. He wants you to enjoy the connection, the
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the feelings, the orgasm, he wants to watch, you have an orgasm, he wants to see that. He wants to watch you enjoy his member. He wants to watch you enjoy yourself. And it’s not selfish. Once again, this is the way God made him. He is desirous of his wife enjoying this incredible experience. That’s what he wants. He wants you to enjoy that. It’s just like you you want your husband to enjoy doing an incredible date. Incredible romance. He wants you want him to enjoy you sharing your heart with him. You don’t want him to be enduring it being okay, here’s another conversation we have to have. She clearly is hurt. She clearly has emotions. I’m just gonna listen. That’s not the way you want. You want him to want to do all those things. Right? And yet, we we don’t translate over to his. He wants us to want it. So if that’s something you’re like, there is no way I want sexual intimacy, I endorse it. I put it on the schedule, because I have to. Well, I want to challenge you. And I want to say maybe that needs to change. In fact, I’m actually calling you out and saying it does need to change. Again, I work with women, one on one on this kind of work, because it is that important. Sexual intimacy glues you together as a couple. And it’s spiritual. Make no mistake, when a couple is glued together through flesh on flesh. Right? Jesus talked about that. The two shall become one flesh. Right? He wasn’t talking about you guys would share the same dish towels. No, no, he was talking about physical intimacy. When you all are becoming one flesh, it is a spiritual thing. And you might say there’s nothing about our intimacy, that spiritual it is gyrating back and forth until he is finished. And then we’re done. And I want to say there’s actually other ways to make love. And you might be only enjoying the male type of making love the masculine intimacy, and I want to introduce you to feminine intimacy and you will enjoy that and so will he. So like I said, get on a call with me, get on a call with me for free, and we can unpack what is going on right now. And how do we move past that because this is that important. Alright, so I said number one, love is member number two, enjoy sex, that’s what he wants. And number three, he wants to see your body. This a lot of times women have a hard time believing because you know, oh, I have I’ve gained 50 pounds since our marriage. You know, I don’t have the perfect body. I see all those supermodels and I’m so far away from what that should be, quote should. And that is a lie from the enemy. He wants your body again. God designed him to love those curves man, to love your breasts to love your butt to love all the places in between. Your husband loves it. And so that’s he wants to see it. He wants the lights on. He wants you in lingerie. He wants you to take off the lingerie. He wants the process of seduction. He wants to see you seduce him. He wants your body he wants to see it. He wants to enjoy it. He wants that visual feast. Who is your body and you know sometimes I talked to women on these Clarity Calls and they told me about you know how they feel insecure about their body and you know what? I’m like honey, I am the same size as you. I am not a supermodel and yet I can still feel sexy and be sexy for my husband. Even when I don’t feel like it even when I’ve had a bad quote eating day a quote bad eating day, right where I’ve just you You know, let myself eat extra, and you know, had my my plate bigger than my stomach I got extra full, so I’m bloated and all this and you know what I can get past that I can still make love, I can still make myself feel confident. And it’s a discipline, but you know what it is worth it because that is what your husband desires, regardless of how you feel. That is what He desires. And like I said, I work with women one on one to get them to feel sexually, that it doesn’t have to be this anxiety provoking
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experience where you’re like, oh, no, he’s gonna see me, I’ve got flab and rolls and this and that, and I’m not perfect here. And there’s, you know, whatever you’re concerned about in your body, he wants to see it, you he is naturally attracted to the female form. Naturally, I’m sorry, but that is the way God made him. And and I’m not sorry, that is the way God made him and you are the only way that is a righteous holy way for him to enjoy the female form. And if you are robbing him of that, that’s a big deal. It’s not just about you, your body is not just about you, you warding him off to not look at your body is actually causing him to be tempted to look at other bodies, because he is so desirous of that. You know, my husband was incredibly addicted to pornography. And I say this, because I’m going to let him listen to this podcast after I record it, I’m gonna see if he is okay with me sharing that. But I want to share that because there’s, I would say 95% of men have been exposed, if not addicted at some point in their life to pornography. And the reason that is, is because number one porn is all about the visual, it’s all about women’s bodies. And number two, it’s all about masculine sex. And he wants both of those. It’s all about women enjoying men’s members, it’s all about the woman enjoying the sexual act. And so that is what pornography is. And so what I have had to do is do the hard work of retraining my mind and heart to realize that those women, I mean, that is two dimensional. That is not a satisfying experience that weighs on his conscience. And he knows that it is not a life giving experience. And so it’s funny, there’s actually movement in non Christian circles called no fap. Movement, and it’s all about men committing themselves to not watch porn anymore. And the reason is, is because they are seeing such ill effects. That distraction the way they’re looking at women, the you know, 90% of pornography is violent against women there. I mean, there’s just, I could go on and on and on about the negativity of porn and the effects on our society. But what I wanted to kind of circle back to is I asked my husband, you know, when he gave up porn, because I, you know, I asked him to I was like, it makes me feel like you’re having an affair. Like, what? I don’t know what to say like that’s, it feels like, I’m not your desire, it feels like you’re, you’re looking at someone else and and getting pleasure from someone else. I mean, it’s just such a, just a horrible, horrible feeling as a wife, and I’ve gone through that. So that’s why I can coach women through that as well, so that they can get to a place of peace, forgiveness, and confidence in the bedroom even though their husband has had such intense experience with pornography and it’s really freeing thing to get to the other side of that as a wife. Anyway, so because we have such a fantastic sex life my husband and I and I do understand the depths of of men’s hearts and minds and bodies. You know, that’s what my my book and video courses have been around But because I understand all those things, you know, I, I’ve vulnerably, you know, asked him, you know, what is? What’s your level of temptation for pornography? And he said,
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I was like, you know, let’s say, was it 1010? out of 10? Before? He’s like, Yeah, definitely. Oh my gosh, it was crazy. The temptation of it. And I was like, so, you know, is, are you still tempted? He’s like, Yeah, I mean, here and there. And, you know, for me, I’m like, that’s like a punch to the gut. Like, what? You’re still tempted. And I was like, Okay, so I’m clearing my throat trying to fight back tears. I’m like, Okay, what is your temptation now? And he’s like, one out of 10, maybe to one to two, I mean, probably one. And I was like, Are you just saying that to not hurt my feelings, and he’s like, No, I, it’s, it’s an incredibly different because of our sex life. And so I want to tell you to your wife, that just because he has struggled there before, it’s not because he doesn’t love you. It’s not because he doesn’t care about you. But I will say, your level of intimacy, your proficiency at the three things I just described, changes his temptation level, it is not the same, if you are turning off the lights, you’re getting into bed, you know, without any kind of seduction, those kinds of things like it doesn’t. It is not going to support him, by warding off the temptations that the world has. And again, God made sex so powerful to him. For God’s purposes, it was his design so that a husband and a wife could be glued together, so that they can take on this world so they can do God’s will. So he can be focused, even when he has an erection when he’s, you know, out because just random directions, I’ve got tons of explanations, men actually have around 11 erections every day, that might jaw drop you or you might have a, you know, shocking moment there. But that’s true. And every time an erection happens is pleasurable, and he thinks about sex. But he also thinks about sex when he’s not having an erection, because that’s the way God made him. But every time it comes, if his mind is saturated by the, the experiences he’s had with his wife, oh, my gosh, that’s what he suddenly is thinking about. He’s thinking about this woman that adores his member that he gets to view his, her her body, and she enjoys what he does to her in bed, like those are all things that then cause him to want that not. You know, the woman that’s wearing the revealing clothing, walking down the street, or in his office, or whatever, you know, so your ability to understand him and his heart and his body and his mind and not to judge it. But to respect it and love it is actually going to not just support your marriage, but support him and support your life, scattering your future together and his ability to focus and do God’s will in this world. And, you know, it’s also gonna help him to want what you want in this life, one of these testimonials. He said, Let me see if I can find it really quick. He said, Oh, he said I well, basically, I’m trying to find it, I don’t think I can find he’s like, it’s it’s frustrating. Because if she could understand this little bit of, oh, here we go. Here we go. So frustrating to me that my wife doesn’t seem to get the fact that she could so easily have me wrapped around her little finger in a very good way, with just a few simple steps. So I just want to encourage you like he, he does want to make you happy. He does want to listen to you and love you and the ways that you want. And when you understand his heart and his mind and you release those frustrations and and give him the visual feasts and enjoy his member and love it that way then he wants to respond in all the ways that you desire and to hold you and help you and do all the fruits of the Spirit that you know that he needs to do and walking with God’s in God’s will. And you can help him in that you can support him and love him in that. God bless you. I would love to have the time to work with you directly on this. You know I’ve got a ton of listeners by God’s
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grace. This is a really Successful badass. So I hope that you don’t get scared and say, oh my gosh, Bella must be too busy to talk directly to me. Because every time I talk to a wife, and she shares my her heart with me, I, I’m honored. And I pray for them. You know, it’s, it’s, um, you know, I do talk to a lot of wives, and they share their hearts. And I’m honored every time they’re vulnerable with me, because it’s not easy. And a lot of times, I’m the only woman, that or anyone that they talk to these things about, and my heart goes out to them, because I’m like, I can help you. You don’t have to suffer. You don’t have to suffer. And you can do God’s will better when you have an incredible marriage, incredible intimacy. So don’t Don’t be scared. Just go ahead and get on the phone with me. Let’s let’s unpack this together. Let’s see. Let’s do some dreaming. Let’s see what God wants to do in your life. And let’s see how to get there. All right, God bless you. And, yeah, I’ll talk to you next Tuesday. Love you, bye.
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I want to give a quick prayer to God about you and your marriage. Lord, I don’t know who is on the other side of this microphone. But I pray for her hearts. I pray for the way she is processing this information, this material God, I pray for, for open Ness in her heart, I pray for soft heart God, maybe she’s thought about her husband and society and the way God made him and even their conversations, maybe their arguments. And she you know, so much baggage, so much wounding because, you know, he hasn’t given her what she wants and, and she’s felt hurt. So she’s responded, you know, with this hurt way and wounded way. And then, you know, he is desiring something of her that she doesn’t even she thinks it’s it’s selfish and all these negative things. And I just ask Lord, that You would just soften her heart God and give her the grace to forgive her husband and to move forward. And willingness and kindness to to be generous in these ways and to move out of her comfort zone. And to be willing to make really scary but important changes, Father God and I also ask God that you would help her to realize she doesn’t have to do this by herself, and that I myself am a valuable and important and accessible resource for her. So that you would rec help her to recognize that this is so important. And I just believe that you’re going to direct her in her next steps, and help her to not leave this podcast without making an action without doing something that is going to cement this into her into her life. God. Father, I love you. And I believe that you’re doing important work in marriages in Jesus name. Amen. Once again, my dear, please go ahead and sign up for a free call with me, I would love that. I love the opportunity to speak to you. And God has done so much in so many lives through our work together. And I encourage you that we can do that too. So you just need to go to www.dy m.as dot m e and do it as soon as you can. Because I’m not sure how much time I’m going to be able to have to do this. But it’s been a lot of fun right now and a lot of impact. Alright, God bless and I will talk to you next week. Bye.
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Thanks for joining. If you’ve been inspired by this show, would you help spread the word? If you take a moment to review and subscribe others can find us more easily. Find out how to delight your marriage.com forward slash iTunes. Until next time, live with love, wisdom impassion