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Podcast: Play in new window | Download

As a mother, you would do ANYTHING for your children.

What does that have to do with making love to their father? Well, A LOT. In fact, their eternity is at stake. Really.

• Your marriage teaches your kids to treat others, adults and themselves.
• Your marriage teaches them what a healthy relationship/marriage looks like and that they want one.
• Your marriage shows them that a relationship with Jesus is fun and worth picking the right spouse and waiting for it!
• Your marriage shows them what character means.
• Your sex life is foundational to all of this…
  • Your husband can be an incredible dad
  • He can be focused on his family not the temptations of the world

Other things covered:

• How sex satiety and desire for sex occurs in opposite ways for women and men
• Why your children need to be well-liked by adults (and that’s your job)World-renowned psychologist mentioned: Jordan B. Peterson
• When you’re a whole woman, totally emotionally held and loved in your marriage you have a far greater capacity to be a present, teaching, loving but wise mother (rather than a resentful, haggard and push-over stressed-out mother)

Excited for you to dive deep into how to transform your marriage!

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host belah rose.

0:21
Hey there and welcome. This is belah rose, and you are listening to the delight your marriage podcast. And I want to welcome you, and thank you for taking time out of your day, you know, whatever you’re up to, you might be walking around the park or, you know, playing well, I don’t know what you’d be playing and listening to this, but you might be doing laundry or, you know, on your way to work or, there’s so many things, but I just so appreciate that you spent the time to let me be a part of your day. And you. Yeah, you allow this to impact you in whatever way that yeah, whatever, you know, nuggets God wants to to receive, or think about, I just am praying that this would impact you in that way. And you know, and that you would take the things that are gonna empower you and be light to you in life to you, and bring you closer to Jesus and more aligned with his will. And the things that just aren’t applicable to you, you’ll just not even think about again. So that’s my prayer for you as you listen to this. But you know, I’m actually walking around a few here, some things in the background are me kind of breathing a little bit more heavy, is that I’m actually walking around San Diego right now. And this is my first time in the in the city, but it’s beautiful. It’s a beautiful day out. You know, I live in North. I don’t know what I was gonna say I live in New York. And so being in the warm San Diego area is really nice this time of year. But I’m here because I was able to be part of a conference. And it was really amazing. Because it’s really teaching me how to grow to light your marriage in the appropriate way. So I was able to spend this you know, day, really praying through how to grow this ministry and how to grow it in a way that aligns with God’s heart, and how he wants to grow it. As well as what’s wise. You know, I talk often about Proverbs, and how important wisdom is, you know, so I can’t just pray and expect that, you know, everything is gonna fall in my lap, I also have to wisely understand what it means to grow a business well, all that to say the audio quality is not as good on this episode, as I typically have. And I hope you’ll forgive me for that. But let’s go ahead and get started to talk about why your sex life dramatically impacts your kids.

3:06
With your husband affects your children. Because I think so often, we expect it does it. We think that we think it’s just about us, we think it’s just about, you know, our hearts and our hurt. But it doesn’t affect our children. And what I want to tell you about is is extremely, extremely interlinked. So years ago, when I was doing some webinars, a woman reached out to me, she had actually read my book, to let your husband and she, she said, I just want to thank you so much for what you’re doing, and encourage you. Because that’s actually at a time that, you know, I had recently started some of the more I guess, courageous parts of this ministry. And I you know, I was I was needing support really, and I responded to her and I said, something along the lines of oh my gosh, thank you for the encouragement. You know, sometimes it’s very scary doing this work and, you know, not having a lot of support for it. And you know what she said, she said, she’s got several kids. She’s just an amazing woman of God. I’ve spoken to her, since she’s just incredible. And she said, the best thing I can do for my children’s eternity is to make passionate love to their father. And like even thinking about it, and saying it out loud again, like just gives me goosebumps because it’s like, wow, for someone have such character and love for Jesus to say, you know, the best thing she can do for her kids eternity is to make passionate love to their father. Like whoa, what does that mean? And so, you know, what I want to talk to you about is exactly that. You know how sex affects your kids. Because, you know, basically what, what healthy and generous intimacy does for you too, is it allows you to have a connection that makes you better parents. It makes you better people, you know, that brings you closer to Jesus that brings you peace, and compassion, and the fruits of the Spirit, and it brings it to him, you know, when he’s not sexually frustrated, he has a space that he can. He has an emotional space that he can then bring to his children. So there’s several things I want to mention. It’s, it’s interesting on my private Facebook group for women, I talk about this, I talk, I asked a question to the group, I said, you know, what negative effects does a bad marriage have on children. And you would not believe that the really sad stories that I heard, you know, just the hard and hurt filled stories that were involved in, responding to that post, you know, some women talked about how, you know, their parents argued all the time, and, you know, they didn’t want to be around, or their parents should have gotten divorced, because there was all this dis ease. And it teaches their their kids how to be, essentially how to have bad relationships, and, you know, they just have a lot of pain, you know, that these women have gone through. And, you know, that’s how they grew up. And so, you know, I want to kind of talk about, I want to piece it out for you, as to why there’s so much reason to value your sex, your sex life, because when it’s healthy, when it’s great, you get a chance to have a wonderful, wonderful place for your kids to grow up. So one of the first things is that I think is really wonderful about an amazing connection and intimacy is it’s a safe place for you and your husband. And that’s really important. Because what that does is when you have the vulnerability that you have established, and honed and grown through generous lovemaking, that allows you to have honest conversations with each other. What that allows you to do is open up a dialogue that you can say, Honey, I made a mistake. I said this to my son and our son and I, I just shouldn’t have that was, I feel really bad about it. And I don’t know what to do next. And what that does, when you have the safety of generous and amazing intimacy in your marriage, that allows you to be okay to admit, it’s okay to admit those things. And it gives space, it safety for your wife to say, Oh, wow, you know, honey, I’ve done similar things. And, you know, let’s work on this together, let’s, let’s figure out a solution. Or, you know, Honey, I love you. And I know that you’re our son is is going to be okay. And God’s going to help him and protect him. And let’s figure out, you know, how to move forward in this, you know, because the thing is, when you’re ashamed, and you’re by yourself, that’s when the enemy just makes it deeper and deeper and deeper, and you feel isolated and alone. And you feel like, Oh, I’m a bad parent. And what that ends up doing is making it worse, that you can’t get out of that shame cycle. So maybe the next time you don’t discipline your kid and you need to, you know, but because you did it too much the day before, suddenly, you know, your child is, you know, becomes a monster, you know, because you don’t feel the safety of being able to bounce ideas off of and share the mistakes and the pain and the hardship that a lot of times parenting is I mean, Parenting is hard, man. I mean, oh my gosh, it’s hard. And you just have to rely on God. But if you don’t have someone else that’s helping you rely on God. Wow. That is incredibly, incredibly isolating and challenge and

10:03
it’s just huge. So you want that safety in your marriage to be able to make mistakes, to be able to empathize with each other and to be able to hold each other up and help each other. You know, when one parent is struggling with anger, or even resentment towards their, their son, their daughter, you know, the other one can grab his hand, grab her hand and say, Honey, let’s pray about this. I would love to pray with you about about our child. You know, Father, we just ask that you would change our child’s heart, that you would, you know, cause them to do this, we ask God to make us better parents help us to be wise in this area. You know, that’s the kind of thing you want to be able to rely on each other to, you know, be iron, sharpening iron making each other better parents. Awesome. Well, that’s the first point. The next one is talking about getting rid of his sexual frustration. So I mentioned that a bit ago, but let me tell you something very real. A husband gets sexually frustrated. It literally is chemical. When he isn’t enjoying intimacy with his wife. There is a frustration, there is an inability to focus, and to be fully present, and to be able to walk in the fruits of the Spirit. Now, you know, you might say, well, you know, there are plenty of people in history that have, you know, been men and have walked in the fruits of the Spirit without needing sex. But what I will say is what Paul said, Paul said, you know, he said, If you burn with passion, get married. That’s what he said, If you burn with passion, get married. Because essentially, what he’s saying is get married, so you can then do God’s work. That’s the that’s the, that’s the message behind what he says is, is get on with it, get married, so that part is satisfied. So you can be empowered to do God’s work. Because essentially, if you don’t have the gift of singleness, if you don’t have a gift, I really loved how this is actually a gentleman who was a Franciscan monk. He wrote a book called something about the life of St. Francis or something like that. It’s a powerful book about the life of St. Francis. But anyway, he talks about how how, if it’s not a gift, that that if you haven’t been given the gift of singleness, I really think it is. Because, you know, we are sexual beings. That’s how God created us. When someone is even talking about sex, a lot of times it titillates another, just because you’re hearing you’re you’re being stimulated by the by the subject by the category of sex, but it’s not that you actually meet it or want it. You’re just, it’s just the fact that, you know, that’s the way God made us. And he made it on purpose. He made it extremely powerful, so that it can glue the two of you together so that you could do God’s work in this life. Because when you are on your own, there is danger. When you’re isolated, the enemy tries to wreak havoc on your mind. God did not design us to be alone. When Adam was alone in the garden, God said it was not good. God designed us to be in community with others. And you have if you haven’t been given the gift of singleness, and you are married, then sexuality is a huge part of that connection. And that is required for your health, in a marriage, for your for your calling and your mission. Your sex life is required and amazing sex life is necessary for you to do God’s work. That’s what Paul says, If you burn with passion, get married and get on with God’s will and get on with God’s work. So So yeah, so the frustration, you know that he feels naturally isn’t there when you guys have a connecting unifying sex life? Because then he has the freedom, the release the ability to then focus and have a

15:01
ability to walk in the fruits of the Spirit love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control. He has those, he has that space to be able to do that. But if he is so focused on sex, it’s not possible. See, what women don’t understand is that when men who are married, don’t have sexual intimacy, their mind is tempted, you know, what a lot of women think, is, oh, if I give him more, he won’t get enough like, and that’s not the way it is. For men, they have essentially, a desire. And when that is satisfied, they are then they have freedom, they have more ability and space, in their mind, I think for women instead is the more women have sex, when the more they make love, the more they want it. So men, so men, it’s the opposite, the more they have sex are more satisfied. It’s like having a meal, you know, they’re like, that’s visual sexual feast. All of that amazing generosity and lovemaking is then ah, that was delicious. That was delightful. That was amazing honey. And then they’re satisfied. Until, you know, the appetite comes again. And they’re like, Ah, I want to love my wife, I want to be in love, I want to, you know, receive all those incredible, you know, chemicals, the release of oxytocin and, and serotonin, and all of those things that, that God has caused scientifically to be released in that intimacy. But for men, it’s satisfied. And for women, it actually provokes a greater desire, and a greater connection and a greater hunger for sex. So that’s why women don’t get it. We don’t get it. We’re like, if I give him more, he’s gonna want it every single day. But it’s different. It’s different. And, you know, I can go into that far deeper another time. Because certainly there’s, there’s, you know, peculiarities of each of each person and each couple. And that’s why I work with women one on one, because I love to help them with that. But yeah, it’s it’s different there. So. So what you’re doing is giving him space to be the man God wants him to be. You’re giving him that space between meals, where he’s happy, and enjoy enjoying his life. And when you enjoy your life, you’re a better person. If you’re better, you’re happier to be around, you’re more satisfied, you’re more patient. You know, you guys don’t squabble as much. And you know, this is true, when you kind of have sexual intimacy, you know, there’s peace in your house, you know, that tension isn’t there. And if you don’t know that, it’s because you haven’t been making love enough. You know, if you only make love once a month, then yeah, you probably don’t notice that because you’re like, it’s the same anytime, well, he probably makes love. And then he’s like, I don’t know, when this is gonna happen again. And it and it quickly goes back on this, this emergency light of like, I’m starving, and I don’t know when it’s, this is going to happen again. But if he knows, you know, this is our pattern two times a week, that’s at a minimum, what our lives will do, my wife is going to prioritize my desires. Because she knows me and loves me, you know, that he doesn’t have to worry, he doesn’t have to be concerned. So what that does is again, that helps him be a better father.

19:12
Okay, so the next thing is, it allows you guys to be aligned with the way you approach situations with your kids. And the way you discipline your children, when you have a healthy sex life. It allows you guys to be unified, allows you guys to be a team. So you’re not undermining each other’s authority. So he doesn’t say one thing to your kids and you say something else. I mean, I remember growing up and my father used to say, well go ask the boss. And it was just this this horrible tension between the two of them of like, they discipline differently. They thought differently about parenting. It caused a lot of tension between them, but also confusion for us and a lot of times with kids I mean, we work discipline very strictly, but a lot of times with kids, it causes them not excuse me to be disciplined, well, whatever that means, you know, different kids require different types of discipline. I don’t mean, necessarily a certain type, I’m not advocating one over another. But I am saying that every child needs to be disciplined, every child needs to be taught the place of a child, and the place of the respect for adults, and that they need to be liked by others, they need to be socially acceptable and be able to interact and be kind and be brought up in the fruits of the Spirit. I mean, those are things that are going to serve them for their whole lives. And if they’re, the kids are not disciplined in that, because the parents are too busy being angry and hurt by each other. Why, then, you’re you’re creating a monster, and that monster will forever be be the be, be that monster. You only have a short window of parenting them. You know, this really great guy. Peterson. Let me get you his name. But what he says is, is he’s a psychologist, and he’s worked with, you know, he’s worked with parents for many, many years. And what he says is, yeah, Jordan B. Peterson. I love this guy. He’s a psychologist, he, he speaks a lot about the Bible, there’s certain things that I don’t think are aligned with walking with Jesus, necessarily the things that he says, But I will say that he has got phenomenal insights, that really are powerful, especially for men, to be aligned more with responsibility, and taking leadership, in life and in the home. So if you’re a male listening to this, check this man out, most of his audience are men. And it really calls you hire to be a man, a man that’s really seeking to do God’s will in your life. I really do. I mean, it’s all about character. So it’s Jordan B Peterson, but this guy is not to be trifled with, like he is a powerhouse. I really like him. But anyway, so anyway. But what he says is, between the ages of one and three are really your opportunity to cause your kid to be socially liked, and that is so important, that’s going to serve them for the rest of their lives. And then after that, it’s really continuing to guide them in that and what I believe is really up until the age of 12, do you have significant impact on their character and who they are. And after that, you know, it’s really just continuing to guide and continuing to influence those boundaries, but you have a lot less influence on their character and who they are. Once they kind of get their feet under them at 12. Before those teenage years. So when you guys are aligned in your approaches to your kids, that is a huge impact on your kid on your children and the people they become. It also causes you to have a safe, fun place for your kids to grow up. Find is extremely important in all of our lives. You know, I don’t really talk about this on this podcast every now and then, you know, we’ll have a laugh together. Or, you know, I’ll say some word. But that sounds funny, and we’ll laugh about it. But fun is extremely important in our lives. My husband and I have the most playful, enjoyable experience together and it feeds our souls. And that’s so important. Because if you don’t have fun,

24:14
everything I mean everything serious. It’s just a, you know, it’s just work. Oh my gosh, when I get on Clarity Calls with women, you know, I do these Clarity Calls that I invite you to get on because what I do is I help women uncover the bandaid of what’s going on in their marriage. You know, I’ve done this for a long time. I’ve worked with many, many women. By God’s grace, this podcast is was awarded one of the top 30 podcasts of religious relationship podcasts on the net. So by God’s grace, I have insight to help women uncover that bandaid and a lot of times it’s exposing a stab wound that will kill their marriage. So I have the grace and the ability that God has given the Wisdom to help uncover what’s underneath. And that’s what these Clarity Calls that are 40 plus minutes of women getting on the phone directly with me to work on that for free. And then if I think I can help them, I may invite them to be one of the few women that I take on to work directly with. And if that’s the case, I’ll talk with them about my program. And that’s part of our call as well. But if I don’t think I can help you, and I don’t think I can help everyone, I won’t invite them while we’re on that call. But what it does, is when you have an incredible marriage, it’s playful, it’s fun, it’s exciting. It’s happy. You know, so what, what happens is, is, a lot of women, when I get on that clarity call with them. What they say to me is marriages work. And I’m like, what, you are definitely not experiencing marriage the way it should be experienced. Because marriage should be fun. Marriage should be exciting, and exhilarating and playful. That should be fine. That’s what marriage should be about. Because it’s going to fuel all this other stuff in your life, life can be a lot of suffering. And I tell you what marriage should not be part of that. Marriage should be fun, and enjoyable and exciting, and unifying. And if you don’t have that right now, you need to prioritize to get that. You need to have that release, and safety and pleasure and fun and playfulness between the two of you. Oh, my gosh, my husband and I have the funniest little things that we do with each other all the time. So like one thing, it’s even hard to like describe them all because they’re just so funny. While we think they’re funny, at least, but you might not. But yeah. Okay. So one is, let’s say make, my husband has like, you know, a bit of, he’s eating a cookie. And let’s say he has a crumb on his on his cheek. So I’ll like reach over and brush off the Chrome, you know, and I’ll wipe it and maybe the second wipe, I get the chrome off. But I’ll just continue to wipe his cheek maybe 1015 times, until he realizes that there was nothing there. And I just, I just kept going. Anyway, okay, so I think that’s pretty funny. So finally he catches me and he pushes my hand away. And we have a big laugh about how I tricked him. And anyway, so those are just, you know, the kinds of things that we’re just so playful about, it’s fun. You know, this is the man you’re spending the rest of your life with have fun, have things that you guys just have inside jokes about all the time. So playful, that’s what allows a wonderful sex life to be about. Because when you’re playful and fun, and that’s your culture. It goes inside the bedroom and outside of the bedroom. When you’re playful, it’s fun in seduction and intimacy in all the things all the silliness that it feels like to be wonderfully generous and wonderfully excited. Why that that spreads inside and outside the bedroom. Because what that does is it allows you to have the vulnerability to be silly inside the bedroom where you can feel silly in your whatever, you know, seduction outfit or in your the striptease that you’re doing, you can feel silly. And that’s okay. Because it’s a safe place between you and your husband. It’s fun. And it turns him on like crazy. But if you don’t have that fun, silly, playful safety in your marriage, I mean, it affects your sex life. So it goes both ways. And when you have that in your sex life, it goes into your marriage.

29:09
The other thing that impacts your your kids is that they want to be married. It makes them want to be married because they see how great it is. They see how great it is to be married. They want that for themselves. They want to save their sex for marriage, because why would they? Why would they trade that beautiful thing for anything else? They want that and let me tell you the next thing I want to say is they then want to save sex till they’re married. Because they see how wonderful and powerful it is in the right context. That’s just to underline before what I said but they see how powerful it is. And because you and your husband are on the same page, you guys see, okay, we need to start talking to our kids about sex. So you Learn how to do it together, you’re aligned in that. And you’re the ones that write the script for your kids to understand sex, not the world. So when your kids ask questions about sex, they’re asking you, they feel safe with you. And they don’t ask Google. They don’t ask their friends. What they do is they come home, they hear a word at school, and they ask you about it. Because you guys have been wise to have those conversations. Because you guys have such a great sex life, you’ve decided to do that. And I know how to do that, and talk to them about it together, you know the value of that you know how important that is, that’s not awkward and uncomfortable. Because you and your husband are like, this is important. This is important to be aligned on to teach our, our kids the right way to approach it. And this is key, you know, when you feel really loved, this is the next one, when you feel really loved and fully loved in your marriage. You can love your kids better. When you don’t feel hurt, and lonely and in pain, you then have this emotional space to love your kids better. Oh my gosh, it’s incredible. You can love your kids better. So do not think that your sex life doesn’t impact your kids. Because when you feel whole, and unashamed, and held, when things are going really painful in your life, your marriage is the place where you have respite, where you can rest, where you can hold your head easily on his on his chest and just cry and he holds you and He listens to you. And you know what that comes from an amazing sex life. You need to make generous, amazing love to your spouse, or you can’t have that bond, you can’t have that connection. Because he is satisfying that craving of sex somewhere else. Let me not let me open your eyes. Do not kid yourself. If you are not making love with your husband, there is a way that he is satisfying that craving somewhere else. And you don’t want that you want to be the only thing that is satisfying that craving because that calls him up to be a man to you. Rather than satisfying that craving anywhere else. You know, my husband was addicted to pornography before we got together. And when I asked him to stop. You know, just recently I asked him what was his temptation? When I asked him to stop? You know, one out of 10 What was the temptation to go back to it? And he said it was 10 out of 10. And then I said, Okay, now that you know we have this fiery, incredible sex life that you were just, you know, you know, whatever you think it is, with our sex life. What is the temptation now? And he said one or two out of 10 one or too often just one. Because sex is that powerful pornography is at any man’s fingertips. And it’s that powerful. It is the drug of all drugs. And let me kid you not one out of every five searches on the internet, there are billions and billions and billions of people accessing the internet every day. And one out of five of those searches are for pornography.

33:53
So do not kid yourself. It is rampant in our society. And if you are not generously making that happen in your marriage, your husband is satisfying it somewhere somehow else. I’m sorry to offend you. But if you if I’m not telling you the truth, you may be covering up a stab wound with a bandaid and it is eroding what God wants to do in your life. And in his because the man that’s addicted to pornography, whether it’s every day, every week, once a month, whatever. His conscious, his conscience is seared. It’s painful, it’s numb, there’s darkness and he’s not able to fully embrace Jesus. He feels guilty when he goes to church. He feels guilty. Over and over and over again ashamed. You may never know. You may never know men Men email me all the time, all the time, all the time, go to delight your marriage.com/husbands. And just read through some of the emails I get from husbands, just some. And then I don’t even include most of the email I’ve in that in that website, I, I’ve only included little snippets of what they’ve emailed me. But a lot of the email tells me about a lot of the temptation that they have, you know, that they only use porn sparingly or whatever, porn sparingly, you know, or whatever. And I’m like, I get you, because it’s not happening in your marriage. But, you know, if this could just transform, they wouldn’t have to experience that, and they could walk in God’s calling, and God’s will for their lives. So what else for kids? Does this impact having an awesome intimacy sex life, is your kids will have higher self esteem. Because what they then know is how husband and wife treat each other. Husband and wife respect each other husband and wife love each other. And so that teaches a child how to treat themselves. See, because kids, well, all humans, humans, teach other people how to treat them. We all teach other people how to treat us, what we are willing to accept, is how we will be treated. And so that’s with your kids, too. If your daughter feels like she’s a princess, she is not going to allow men to treat her like scum, she will not allow it, she will fight and scream and tell adults and she will absolutely not permit it. Your your son to he will not permit being bullied because he knows. He knows that he is more than that. He is better than that. And he knows that people are supposed to respect each other. Because he seen not with his parents, that that is not okay for people to teach, treat each other like that. So you want your child to have high self esteem, you want your child to respect themselves. And you teach them that by the way you treat your spouse. And that all starts in connection and unity and unification you guys have through your intimacy through the bedroom. Those are interrelated. What happens inside the bedroom happens outside of the bedroom that unification, the connection.

38:01
The next thing that the next thing that really is related to that is it helps them value themselves in who they choose as a partner. You know, I speak to again, women on these Clarity Calls. And sometimes I’m just shocked, like, they have prayed for the partner that their child marries. And they don’t work to change their own marriage. So like, you want your kid to have a good marriage, but you don’t care about your own marriage. Because the best thing you can do is model it for your kids. You have to model it for your kids, whether it’s your marriage, whether it’s good character, whether it’s honesty. Not only tell them but your kids model what you do. Yes, you say it, you say it and do it. And that’s how kids learn. They watch what you do more than what they watch what you say. And so the way that you to treat each other the way that you guys are respecting and loving each other and generous to each other and serving each other. That then causes them to look higher in the way that they are choosing a spouse in the way that they’re choosing a dating