206-Playful sex life

Productiveness IS good, but we forget that we’re not just human doers — we’re also human beings.

Take the story of Martha and Mary. Martha was working hard and being productive FOR JESUS. Mary was calmly sitting, being still and LISTENING TO JESUS. Both were Godly women. And Jesus even defended Mary for “choosing the good part” when Martha accused her of not DOING.

Consider how Jesus modeled JOY and DELIGHT — not just productivity. He certainly “did” a lot, but he also had breakfast with his friends, ate dinner and drank wine (sometimes he was even accused of being a drunkard!) and little children ran to him. He must have been pretty enjoyable to be around if even little children want to run up to the revered Rabbi.

If you are ALWAYS thinking that “God wants me to be productive. I need to do this and that…” then I challenge you to sit back, listen to Him, and just take delight in His presence.

We can also apply this to our sex lives. What if sex was fun and filled you up? And it’s not just about sex. Being FUN and PLAYFUL in the bedroom EXTENDS to how you interact with your husband daily.

In this podcast episode, you’ll discover…

Why sex can actually be fun!
Sex doesn’t have to be miserable – I encourage you to reverse it even if you’ve endured it for years and years!
It can still be passionate, playful, purposeful — like how it was in the beginning!

How does fun and playful sex affect us:

We empathize easier with our husbands and other people too
We rewire our brains to see, think, and do as God wants us to
When we’re not constantly doing and we have margin in our lives that comes through playing

We serve a God that loves us. He wants us to know that:

His love is deeper and wider and truer than we can imagine.
He truly wants us to enjoy our lives.
He created physical stimuli like laughing when we are tickled. Why? Because all the joys we feel when hugged, kissed, or touched — it is proof of God’s unfathomable deep and true love for us.

SCARED to START BEING PLAYFUL? I’m curious where that fear is coming from? I have Clarity Calls set up especially to get at the root of how you feel underneath the behavior.

If you go to www.dym.as.me for a 40-Minute FREE conversation with me to understand where you are in your marriage.

If you’re distraught or even if you’re on the edge of divorce, by God’s grace, a Clarity Call may be exactly what you need to gain hope and discern next steps FOR YOU.

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah rose.

0:20
Hey there belah rose here, I just wanted to take a moment to talk about really why sex can actually be fun. You know, I’ve been doing this podcast in this ministry for several years. And I’m so grateful for it. I’m so grateful for the women that share with me and really open up to me, not just through my Clarity Calls free Clarity Calls, if you’re interested. I love talking to women, one on one to really understand the obstacles. Why are they not enjoying the marriage that they longed to enjoy? Whether it’s, you know, one that’s passionate and playful and purposeful, or just not miserable, like they’ve been enduring for maybe years and years. And you know, by God’s grace, I really get a chance to walk women through, you know, what obstacles what their? What’s the difficulty right now. And ultimately, where do they want to go and see how we can bridge that gap. And potentially, I’ll talk through if it’s a fit to work with me directly. So I encourage you just go to www.dy m.as.me, I’ll have the link in the notes. But go there in and so we can have that, let’s say 40 minute conversation, it’s free. And you and I can really share and understand where you are, and really be a listening ear for you. But a lot of times these women will tell me of how difficult their marriages are. And, you know, I listened because that’s really what clarity is calls about is helping them get clear on what the challenges are. Because a lot of times we don’t face those things, we don’t look at those things because they’re too hard. And instead, we numb them, and we numb ourselves away from them. And I’ve been a number. For me. Emotional Eating is my numb coping mechanism of choice. And that’s not good. But I will say that, you know, at my worst, that’s what my numbing mechanism is. But we all have it essentially. But what I want to really encourage you to do is understand that sex can be really fun, that your marriage and your sex life can be really fun. And it should be, it should be a place where you laugh, and enjoy. I love the quote that says laugh often, because it’s the cheapest medicine, something like that. And it’s just fun to realize that the more playful and the more excited and enjoy full your sex life is, the more it’s going to actually empower the rest of your life. And the more fun and playful the rest of your life is. It’s going to also empower your sex life. So I believe that God wants us to enjoy his life. I believe he wants us to be people that that love what he’s made for us. You know, just the fact that God created laughter makes me know and tickles. Oh my gosh, I have these little boys. They love tickles. They can’t get enough. Oh my goodness, we that’s like one of their favorite things is to jump on the bed and, and tickle. And just the fact that we have those responses in our body that I have no clue the purpose of tickles like what is the function? You know, in terms of a serious scientific way? What is the function of a tickle, of having a response to physical stimuli that makes you laugh. But I think we serve a God that loves us. You know that His love is deeper and wider and truer than we can ever even imagine. And so of course he would want us to enjoy our lives. He would want us to enjoy what we do. Because I don’t think we can love others. Well, when we are not able to enjoy our own lives, how can we want to comfort and want to be there for others when we’re miserable and when we’re in pain?

4:52
You know, I talk about that often that that you know horses I love horses I grew up riding Horses. And you know, in New York City where I live at Central Park, there’s a ton of these horses that pull carriages. And they have these blinders on that keep them from seeing the road, because if they saw the road, they would get scared. And they would spook, which would mean they would like jump. And that would obviously, mess up the whole carriage riding experience if your horse was jumping and bucking because they got scared by a oncoming bus. But with these blinders, they can’t see what’s coming, they can’t see what’s around them, they’re only focused on kind of their track that’s straight ahead of them. And that’s a good thing because it’s productive. But in in our lives, I think that’s what pain does, I think pain causes us to have these blinders on. So the only thing that we’re seeing is what’s directly ahead of us. And we don’t see, you know, that there might be a homeless person on the side that needs some help, or that this, this person could use an extra hand and we could, you know, get him on the carriage to and, you know, we could see these other things in our lives. But when we’re in so much pain, when we’re really suffering in our marriages, for example, we can’t see what’s going on around us. And so what I want to encourage you to do is just to recognize the value of playfulness and fun. And I think for me growing up, I was in this really productive kind of understanding of life, like you’re not doing a good thing, if you’re not productive enough, like that is one I mean, that’s next to godliness is productivity. And I think, you know, it’s not just me, that’s a lot of the American work ethic. And I think, globally, even work ethic is a lot of times about what you can get done being productive. And we forget that we’re not just human doers, we’re human beings. And you take the story of Mary and Martha, in the gospels were Martha was working, she was hosting, she had people at her house, and she understood that there was work to be done, that they needed to, you know, have a clean place to sit and they needed, you know, I I bet she was preparing food. And, you know, in those days, like, preparations for people to come over. I mean, that wasn’t just picking up stuff. That was it wasn’t just going to the grocery store. I mean, that was intense labor to make sure that they had the wheat ground and they had, you know, whether it was fish that they were making that that was caught and uncooked, and at you know, going to the market maybe or there was just intense, maybe all day preparations for getting it ready for people to come to their house. And so Martha was busying herself, doing what Honestly, even thinking about it in modern times, I mean, that seems completely appropriate. And even godly for her to be doing those things. And Martha is watching her sister, sit and listen to Jesus, instead of help her with what you would think is Mary’s responsibility, that they’re the hostesses of the house. You know, all these people are here, listening to Rabbi of, you know, this famous rabbi, at least if they’re not convinced he’s yet the Son of God. So they feel like they’re serving God, how how much holier and more important could that be? And yet, what Jesus tells Martha, is, when Martha says, shouldn’t Mary be helping me.

9:10
And Jesus tells Martha, he says, Mary is sitting at my feet, listening to the Word, and she has chosen the good part, and it will not be taken from her. So I just encourage you, if you are thinking, you know, I have to be productive. You know, that’s who God’s made me to be. He’s made me to be a woman of productivity. And I get that, and I myself, love to get things done and have a to do list and prioritize it and then, you know, boom, boom, boom, knock off those, those priorities. But I also want to recognize like, make sure that you are living a life that’s sustainable. That is, you know, acting in, I think the way that God wants you to act. And I think, actually having fun is a big part of that, you know, because Mary, she wasn’t doing what people expected, she wasn’t doing the productivity. She in a lot of ways was resting. You know, you could, you know, argue that her just sitting and resting and relaxing and, and listening and soaking up I mean, that was enjoying. And, you know, I just see that, you know, when Jesus sat, and the children wanted to come to see Jesus, you know, and the disciples rebuked them and said, No, no, no, don’t, don’t come close to the rabbi, you know, Don’t come close to this, you know, incredibly important man, the Son of God don’t come close. And Jesus said, no, no, no, Let the children come to Me. You know, that takes a very soft heart, a heart that that wants to be around children that wants to gather the children to him. I think of that as a Jesus that smiles and laughs with children. I mean, why would the children want to come up to a serious, angry, mean person? That’s not it. Jesus was not that way. He exuded love, he exuded grace, he exuded kindness that even attracted little children that wanted to run up to him and embrace him. So I just asked you to consider like, Jesus modeled joy and delight. He modeled and, and wanted us to rest. He didn’t want us to be productive all the time. And I think that’s true in your sex life. Because when you can enjoy sex, when you can have fun in sex, it’s going to make you want to want sex more. Because if it’s not this serious thing, a lot of women are just like, in this zone of, okay, I’ve got to do sex, like, that’s, you know, what’s gonna make my husband happy, that’s what’s gonna, you know, invest in our marriage and make sure that we are connected, and there’s Pete some peace in this house. We don’t approach it in a way that’s gonna make us want to enjoy it. I mean, it’s not filling our cup. It’s where we’re just serving or just pouring out. And I get that that sometimes is the thing that motivates us to start making love. Maybe it’s like, okay, we need to make love. It’s been a couple of days, let’s do this. But what if sex was actually something that was fun, and actually filled you guys up? Because it was playful and exciting, and teasing and seductive? And, you know, what if you as a woman, took it upon yourself to say, how can I make our sex life fun. And when I say sex life, I don’t mean just having sex. I actually mean your whole life together, having just a playfulness, and sexual fun together. So you know, when the kids aren’t looking, you’re rubbing up against each other, or you’re grabbing a feel or whispering in each other’s ears, seductive phrases. You know, these are things that make things more fun, you’re teasing each other. And you actually have fun together. And then not just sexual things. I also encourage just plain old playfulness. So I got the opportunity. It was my birthday, several months ago, and

13:52
I just, I wanted to do something that scared me. And, and it did really scare me. But it was something that I just felt like it was it was not just a fear, but it was something that I wanted to do. And I’ve wanted to do probably my whole life. And I don’t know, it was just something that was like, this is really scary, but I want to do it. So I performed stand up comedy. And I texted, I don’t know, 1015 friends a month and a half beforehand. And I said, Okay, I’m going to do stand up comedy you can do it’s gonna be an open mic night. This day. would love, love, love for you to come. And yeah, I’ll see you then. Alright, so then, for that month and a half, I had thought that I had a phenomenal routine. And I was talking to my friend about it. And she’s like, so are you going to practice? Are you going to go somewhere and try it out? And I was like, Oh no. Oh, I, you know, I’m gonna do this as a once and done kind of thing. I’m gonna do my my show for my friends. And that’s it. And she was like, oh, no, Bella, you got a, you got to practice this thing, you got a bomb in front of strangers so you can be prepped and ready for your friends. So that was what I did. I took her her response and or her feedback. And I it went ahead and did exactly as she suggested. And yeah, my first time I absolutely bombed. It was, it was pretty brutal. In fact, I remember one of my jokes was something like saying, saying funny things to strangers. And I was like, it was basically off the cuff for me to be like that, essentially, no one laughed at my joke. And then I was like, Well, you guys clearly aren’t as good of a person as me or something like that. And that’s the thing they laughed about, because I was doing so badly. So then, luckily, that was my first time and I had a couple of weeks to tweak and, in fact, completely throw out my original routine and make a new one. And guess what it was about marriage. So it was pretty depper, self deprecating, it was about marriage. And it was about how wonderful it is to be married. And there was some, yeah, some some stuff that hopefully inspire the audience to be like, Yeah, that’s actually a good thing. And sex and marriage is really the best. So the point of the matter is that when you start things, and you start making changes, it’s going to be uncomfortable, and you might just fall in your face. And you can just laugh at yourself about it, because it’s the first time you’re making awkward, uncomfortable changes. And that’s okay. Luckily, after that first bombing, I did try that new routine again. And it went great. And then the third time was the actual stand up comedy, you know, real live one where I, you know, went went with my, with all my friends. And so that was my third and final stand up comedy experience, and it went great. And it was just so fun. And yep, it was scary. But

17:41
I just, I had a blast. It was so fun. So I just encourage you, you know, Where where are some things that you’re just scared of? And so you’re listening to me right now. And you’re like, I’m way too scared to be playful with my husband, or there’s just this awkwardness between us or there’s just a level of insecurity between us. And I encourage you, you know, why not? Try? Why not fall in your face. I mean, this is the person that you’re going to be with for the rest of your life. Like, maybe they’re not, quote, the safest person to be silly with right now. But until you start, it’s not going to get better. So are you gonna stay for decades in your marriage without having playfulness and fun and joy? Oh, my gosh, don’t do that to yourself. A tiny bit of fear. You know, I and, you know, do stand up comedy, if you you want a lot of fear. But if not, if you want a little bit of fear in front of the person that the pledge to love you forever, like, that’s good. That’s okay. That’s a good thing. So I encourage you, you know, if this is really different for you, for you, guys, and you’re going to start trying new things with him. I would encourage you to have a quick conversation. When you guys are both at a really good emotional spot outside of the bedroom outside the context of you know, we’re about to make love just something random. You just be like, Hey, babe, I am. I wanted to talk to you about something. I, I’d like to start being a little bit more adventuresome in the bedroom. And I’d really appreciate positive feedback from you. It’s gonna be really vulnerable for me as we get started doing this kind of stuff. It’s actually going to be very scary. I know that might sound strange, but it’s actually going to be scary for me. But I would love just having Yeah, we’d love having your positive feedback. That’s something you could do. And then what that does is first of all, yes, I understand that’s a vulnerable vulnerable thing to share because it’s true. You’re expressing your heart, you’re expressing what your desire is, but you’re expressing it in a really attractive female way. And I, I cannot tell you how much he would appreciate that you want to make things better in your sex life because he loves making love to you, he loves it. And so for you guys to want to go to the next aspect of that, being open about how you’re going to make changes are going to get him more prepared for those changes, as well as recognize that you want to hear his feedback that that’s going to help you. And that any negative feedback that in the moment he might think is just funny. He wouldn’t realize that that is going to hurt you because you are putting yourself out there so far. It’ll show him that. That you really crave His his positive feedback. So yeah, so I just encourage you, you know, get your your sex life into a fun zone, there’s, there’s so much good, plain ol joy to be had around sex. And, you know, make sure that you’re having fun in other areas of your life too. Because again, you want to have joy, I mean, that’s one of the fruits of the Spirit. So live into that so you can bring others along. The joy of the Lord is our strength. That’s what’s supposed to strengthen us in this life. You know, when you’re strong in the joy of the Lord, you can laugh at what the enemy is trying to do to you. You can laugh at the days ahead. I mean, that’s something about the Proverbs 31 woman is she, she laughed at the future. You know, I want you to be able to laugh. You’re knowing that your husband is right there with you. You guys have this playfulness this fun, you know, by God’s grace, that’s one of the big characteristics of our relationship is we have these just playfulness jokes with each other. And, yes, their seriousness, yes, there’s prayer. Yes, there’s times, you know, of mourning and sadness and times that we need to carry each other. But there’s also such great times of joy and fun, you know, that that we slip and slide on iced mud? Well, it wasn’t a mud puddle, but it was a big, big puddle of water. You know, with our kids were slipping and sliding and having the biggest time, you know, these are normal things for our family, because it infuses our life and relationship with so much fun and joy. So that yeah, the hard times, we can pull others long, we can encourage others, you know, a lot of things in life are hard. So don’t let your marriage be one of those things, get it into the place where it is fine, where it is joyful, where that’s not the thing that you’re suffering through day after day after day. Instead, you’ve got an incredible marriage so that the other things in life can be done. So you can love other people, you know, where you’ve got the space emotionally in, in and even energetically to do God’s will. We’ve got energy for it. Okay, so I just encourage you, you know, I want to help you I’ve, by God’s grace, I love helping women. You know, in my program, there’s women that literally so quickly, have transformed their marriages within short weeks, patterns that have been going on, have have transformed within three, four weeks, that something that’s been going on for 25 years are transformed. By God’s grace, a woman told me about a miracle in her marriage where her husband was really unwilling to support the family. And she was just, she was distraught. She felt like they were on the edge of divorce. They were so angry at each other. There was so much discord, not happiness, not joy. And by God’s grace, just in I think it was for four weeks with me.

24:16
She said there was a miracle that her husband went out and, and apply for a job and on his own volition, and went in and got it. And then he’s supporting the family. And then she says, You know, I’m actually happy to see him come through the door. And that was like in less than a month. And you know, what’s so funny is around the same time after that amount of sessions, he emails me to say, I don’t know what you did. I don’t know what you said to my wife. I don’t know if she’s doing everything you said. But this woman is a different woman. And she’s like the woman I thought I married or the woman I wish I had married. So I just want to encourage you like, you don’t have to do this on your own. You don’t have to listen to this and be like, Okay, I’m not implementing that. Or, or, you know, I wish I had that kind of marriage, but I don’t. So there’s really no choice for me in the matter. Like, that’s why I do this work is to help women through that. So, you know, who knows, who knows what God wants to do in your marriage, and who knows, maybe the next few months, walking with me working with me one on one is actually going to transform that. So you can do more of God’s will. And you can have a lot of fun in it. And you guys can have fun for the next decades of your marriage, and you don’t have to suffer for 25 years, before you actually get it figured out. So you can again, do God’s work more so in this world. So if that’s you, if this is tugging on your heart, like I said, I’d love to get on that clarity call with you. There’s no commitment, it’s 40 minutes, most of the time, just gonna be listening, I’m going to try to help you sort through, you know, what are the obstacles in your way? What are the things you know, sometimes a listening ear of someone who gets what, what the challenges are in marriage and what the challenges are insects, the shame, the pain. Sometimes that’s actually a hugely healing experience. So once again, you can go to www.dy M dot A s dot, M E, and like I said, I’d love to be that person to support you. And if it feels like the right fit, I might invite you to be one of one of the few people that I work with this month. So by God’s grace, I just, you know, want to leave you with a prayer that God would impact you and your life, draw you closer to him, and your marriage more in line with his heart. So Father, in the name of Jesus, the woman, the man that’s listening to this father, I just ask that they would grow closer to you, God, no matter what, Father that they would end this podcast, wanting more of you wanting more of your will, wanting more of your guidance. Lord, You are God, and you’re the God of the universe. God in our little tiny light afflictions here on Earth is nothing compared to what eternity is going to look like God. But I asked for every woman listening every man listening Father God, that they would recognize that what they do here on earth is going to matter any eternity. So if they are distracted by a horrific marriage, God may they make wise choices so that that changes so that it is changed. So that eternity is different for them for their family, for the those that depend on them, those that look to them, that they would be a role model for others, God give them the grace, the the gumption to change, to recognize the opportunity to change God and be your will that they would get on a clarity call with me if it be there, your Will God, they would recognize the need for support for guidance for help through this next season, father, and if be there, your Will God that they would work with me, God. Lord, I love working with women. I love that this is the ministry I get to do to help women change. And so I pray, Father God, that you would do the work that only you can do, you would change hearts. Lord, you would do what you need to do God and make this a really fun, fun marriage for them a fun, joyful experience for them that the joy of the Lord would be their strength. God. We love you. We love you in Jesus name, amen. Awesome. Okay, well, I’m excited to talk to you next week. On my next episode, God bless you bite

Receive Weekly Insights