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What if you’re a wife that has WAY lower libido than your husband? If you feel like this is just physiologically the way you were made, I want to help. I think there’s a lot more to you and the way you’re set up sexually.
I, Belah Rose, “the sexpert“, can easily say “I have a low libido”. Does that keep me and my husband from having an incredible sex life? Fierce, fiery, sensual, spiritual… And I get turned on too and get excited about making love! So… I don’t think your libido/”natural” sex drive has to prevent you either!
Listen in to find out the top 3 things you need to know if you have a LOW sex drive. And how to turn that around. How I did and do.
But what if HE is the one with the low sex drive? Ouch! So sorry, I know that’s so hard!
There are several important questions you need to be asking. I help you to sort through what could be the real source of the issues and how to overcome them. Are you contributing to the issue or COULD be contributing to live the solution?
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What’s a Clarity Call:
You can sign up for a FREE, 40-minute call (a $500 value) for an opportunity to get clear on the issues you deal with. If you are the right fit for the program this can be a phenomenal opportunity as I can’t invite everyone into the program. Clarity Calls are free for now but I’m not sure until when. To schedule, go to: www.dym.as.me Even if we find a program is not the right fit, you’ll get a ton of awesome value.
transcript
0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host belah rose.
0:18
Hello, hello, and welcome, welcome. Thanks so much for joining me on the delight your marriage podcast. My name is belah rose. And if you have joined me before, I want to say welcome back, thank you so much for allowing me into your life and into your thought processes. And I think that today is going to be a really great conversation about a high drive spouse or a low drive spouse. And specifically women is really who I’m talking about in this call. But obviously, for men, it really is going to be helpful to understand your wife. Let me interject really quick. Because I often hear this story when I do my Clarity Calls. And for limited time, I’m really not sure how long I’ll be able to do this. But it’s a great opportunity to do a clarity call with me. Now, this is a $500 opportunity. This is my, essentially my coaching time. And this is an opportunity for you to get clear on what’s blocking you in your marriage. And I essentially ask you a ton of questions to really help you get a true understanding of what are the obstacles, what’s keeping you from getting the marriage that you want. And ultimately we discern where is it that you want to go and your distinct vision of what that is your specific vision of what that looks like for you. And you know, at the end of all that, if I feel like you’re the right fit, and obviously we’ve gone deep into your story and what you’re looking to achieve if I feel like you’re the right fit to actually work with me personally, I might invite you into that one of my programs that can actually get you there. And by God’s grace, I’ve had incredible, incredible results with with women and now men working directly with them. And yeah, so I would love to invite you on a free clarity call once again. $500 value, I would love for you to take advantage of that while I’m doing them. So you can go to www.dy M dot A s dot m e, so That’s www.dy M dot A s dot M E. Fantastic. Okay, well, today I want to dive into first of all low libido for wives. Kind of the three things I want you to definitely come away with. And then high y high drive wives and why that might be happening, and even give you understandings of what you can do about that. Because once you understand some of the whys, then that can help you to really transform that. So let’s go ahead and dive in
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awesome, okay, so here’s what I want to talk about is low libido. First of all, let me tell you, I’m belah rose, I have done this work for a long time I wrote the book on delight your husband, right. So I am very much aware of sexual components in a marriage and I am low Dr. I have been for a very long time. And my whole marriage and my previous marriage, and what I want to help you to understand is that it’s okay to be that way. It’s okay to own that. It’s okay to recognize that this is something that you just don’t have the desire as much as your husband. And so I don’t want you to think though, that that’s an excuse to not make love on a consistent frequent basis with incredible, fierce, powerful dominating, as well as intimate connecting, meditative spiritual sexuality. Just because you are, quote, low drive does not mean that sex should not be a part of your country. sistent life. And I want to tell you about that, because I think that couples sometimes go decades with the understanding that, oh, I’m low libido. So that’s a chemical issue. So that means, you know, if I don’t desire it or not making love, you know, I’m a 21st Century woman, I love the amazing rites that I’ve been fought for by the women and the, you know, leaders that have come before me and made sure that we can vote and be in high positions and leadership positions and in work, places and all these kinds of things. But I want you to know, that I don’t think that man’s drive for sex and a woman’s drive for sex should be considered equal. Because I think a lot of times, we have this understanding of, you know, a lot of times women feel like, well, if I don’t want it, then I’m not going to make a love that would be you know, that would be an authentic that wouldn’t be who I am, it wouldn’t be sharing it, you know, I, I need to want it in order for us to make love. And I just want you to be clear that it’s not the way women work, even Physiol. Physiologically, women, a lot of times have to commit to sex, before their bodies start to respond before they even get wet, and their vagina elongates and all the actual physical changes don’t happen until her mind commits to sex. And a lot of times, that takes a long time, she might need, you know, hours before making love for her to be like, Okay, we’re gonna make love tonight. Let me make sure I’m feeling beautiful, you know, maybe I’ll be aware of what I’m eating. So I’m not bloated. By the time we’re gonna make love. Let me be thinking about, you know, sex, let me think about how to tease and how to seduce. That’s why I so encouraged seduction from women, because that gets you in the mood, it actually gets you turned on when you are seducing and it’s a lot more fun. So, I encourage you that just because you quote, have a low libido doesn’t mean that you are stuck with that, you know, we are never we never have to be a victim in this life. You know, I agree that that, you know, there are so much horrible things that you may have gone through, and I don’t want to minimize that, you know, sexual abuse is horrific. One in four women have experienced that. But I want to say and encourage you that whatever the past, was it, God doesn’t want that to define you anymore. He doesn’t want that to define your marriage anymore. He wants to heal you, he wants to bring you out of that. He wants that he wants to, to allow you to be free from that. And he wants your marriage to be strong and powerful and and a respite from the rest of the world. So you can do His will better.
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So I would encourage you that, that the enemy wants you to be a victim, the enemy wants you to have every excuse in the book to say no, no, no, we are not unifying as a couple. Sex is not important. I don’t want it so we’re not having it. Let me resist my husband at all costs. That’s what the enemy wants. But what I believe God wants is something much deeper. And so my second point is my first point is I’m right there with you. That’s totally normal, but it’s not a good excuse. My second point is, I don’t think I and I’m generalizing here. But from my experience, or for a lot of my clients, I think often it’s not necessarily natural for us to want fierce, awesome sex like a man does. Most men struggle with pornography. Most you know, it’s much less that women do unless of course maybe it’s was started with curiosity. Like, you know, when I years ago, when I was young, I had a porn addiction, but it was really spurred on just by curiosity, and then it kind of started on like, Okay, I want to learn how to do this whole sex thing. But anyway, the point is that a lot of times, you know, sex in marriage, for a man is like, it’s like his natural inclination is to like, Okay, let’s do it. Let’s do it. Let’s do it. And for women, it’s often not natural. It doesn’t feel Like an urge, you know, she could probably go years without doing it and kind of be fine. A lot of times not, not always. But we’ll talk about the higher Dr. wive in a little bit. But here’s the thing. I believe that making love, even when it’s, quote, not natural, is making us more like Jesus when we do, because loving and learning to love your husband in the way that He desires to be loved. Is is essentially causing us to die to ourselves, isn’t it, it’s causing us to die to who we, who we were, who we are, and making us closer to who Jesus wants us to be. And so when I you know, sometimes when I work with wives, they’re like, I don’t understand why I have to make love to him, for him to just be nice to me for there not to be all this tension in the house. And what I want to say is that when you got married, your husband had some expectations. You know, he burned with passion. And that’s what Paul says is like, if you burn with passion, get married. And essentially, Paul’s, you know, the context of that is kind of like, get married, so then you can get on with your life, like, continue on, to do God’s work. And so if he’s burning with passion, there’s this focus that’s not able to be kind of, he’s not able to focus on God’s will and God’s work in his life, because he’s so focused on his need, and his desire for that love. And that connection that only is given through sex for him. So
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like I said, I mean, he kind of came into marriage with expectations around sexual intimacy. And just like you came into marriage with expectations around being cherished and being romanced and being loved and listened to, and having patience and gentleness, I mean, the same reason, you know, the, the whole proposal dealio is such a such a big thing. And, you know, she hopes that that’s going to continue for the rest of their lives. And just like the honeymoon is such a big deal. Because husbands and wives need time to get their whole sexuality figured out and have, you know, just amazing sex for, you know, a week or two weeks or whatever. And that’s what he’s looking forward to. And he’s assuming this is gonna continue forever, she might be more concerned about the vacation and the beaches. But the point is, that both husbands and wives have these other like needs and desires. And as a wife, when you are loving your husband, the way that He desires to be loved, you are learning to serve, you are learning to be more like Jesus, your character is being sharpened, you are being pruned. And you might be saying well, seducing and you know, buying risque lingerie and learning how to dance and you know, all these things, how is that even, you know, godly and, and that kind of thing. And that’s also a big piece of discipline of of disciplined pursuit of understanding the holiness of sex, that is vital for you to love your husband the way he craves to be loved. And it’s again, similar. Think about your husband, he probably has such a difficult time thinking about the prospect of taking you on a date, you know, where in the world to even start with with causing you to like what he’s gonna do. You know, there’s a lot of anxiety. I had no idea my husband had so much insecurity and anxiety around dates. That’s why he wasn’t taking me on them. I thought this whole time he just didn’t care. But the truth is, he was anxious. So he just avoided it. He didn’t want to be told it wasn’t good enough. And so which I used to do, and unfortunately, a lot of women do they tell their husbands it’s not good enough. They critique them rather than build up the good things he did. And then eventually he’ll do more. So just think about from his perspective, what that could feel like, you want him to go learn maybe cooking classes so he can do a romantic meal. Surprising it for you or you want him to look Got a you know, research online romantic places to take your wife? Or, you know, you want him to do those things? Because that would make you feel more loved when he learns and does them. But if he has this negative attitude of, okay, well, I know she needs to go on a date or I know she needs me to listen to her. So I guess it’s time, I’ll just sit down and, you know, see if she’ll just talk and all stay here until she’s done. No, I would be like, Well, nevermind, I’m not gonna talk, I’m not going to share my heart with you. And it’s the same way with your husband, if you have a negative attitude about lovemaking. He knows it’s not like he becomes some stranger all the sudden, because he’s turned on, he’s not the man that you know him to be. He recognizes your discomfort. He sees it, he knows exactly, but he craves it, he desires it. So if he has the, you know, inkling that you’re gonna allow it, he’s so kind of ravenous for feeling loved. He might take that opportunity, but it doesn’t mean that just because he had an orgasm, he’s, you know, feeling totally filled up and loved in his heart. You want him to feel those ways. You know, so I would encourage you that you know, your attitude, it’s a discipline in your heart to make sure you are loving your spouse in the way that He desires to be loved.
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So, the third thing I want to talk about is just to understand that it’s totally normal, and okay, if you’re kind of libido, maybe has waves. So let’s call it that, or seasons, even short seasons, but seasons, nonetheless, this was a really helpful thing that a mentor taught me years ago. And she said, passion comes in seasons. And I thought that was interesting, because it kind of helps take the pressure off a little bit. You know, you’re not suddenly, you know, maybe you go from someone who really has such low libido. And then suddenly, you’re like, oh, my gosh, I’m turned on, this is so exciting, ah, and then you go back to lower libido, and it maybe freaks you out. And you’re like, oh, my gosh, where, you know, and back at the beginning, but if you think about just having, you know, just essentially cycles, and you know, one of them is very accurately your menstrual cycle. So, there are times in your menstrual cycle where you are going to be more turned on like ovulation. And there are other times where it’s less so. And again, that’s very natural, very appropriate. But it doesn’t mean once again, that that is basically a reason to not be making love. What I consider ovulation is really a Kickstart to your lovemaking for the rest of the month. Like ovulation is a great like, Okay, let’s get on like, you know, because the thing is, when you get outside of a consistent habit of making love, it makes it so much harder to get back in that habit. Even just in the habit of like seduction and letting him see your body and coming up with unique and exciting ideas to turn him on and send spicy text messages and these kinds of things. Once you get out of that habit. It’s it’s his effort to get back into it. So again, ovulation is great kickstart, but I encourage you to not get out of that habit. Just like going to the gym getting there is effort but once you’re in that habit of going and working out whether it’s going to the gym or working out, you know, outside or running, going to the park playing soccer, which I now am doing once again with my husband’s pickup team. So fun. But when you get out of that habit, it’s really hard to get started again. The other thing is in terms of like, you know, your libido going in waves is a lot of times external stimuli can help. So it’s funny when I took a break over the this past summer from dy M my podcast there were some people that some listeners that are like I, I just didn’t have as much motivation to make love consistently because I wasn’t listening to your podcast. So I encourage you to continue listening, God Willing that you would be inspired to continue to make love and continue to recognize the value in The priority this should have in your life. So that is what I want to really encourage you that you can get back in the saddle, you don’t have to feel like, okay, well, my, you know, my libido left because of xy and z, so I’m not able to move forward.
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I want to tell you about a wife, who I’ve been working with for several weeks. And when we had our first clarity call, she was like, I don’t even know what it feels like to be turned on. You know, we’ve been married for years. And, you know, it’s really just for him, but we do it consistently. But I, I don’t even I don’t feel anything, I feel like, you know, my rest is numb, I feel like, there’s not, I mean, there’s, I feel a lot of pressure that I have to do it for his sake, but I don’t get any real enjoyment or excitement, you know, physiologically, it’s really just for him. And by God’s grace, we were able to really go through my system to help a wife get to a place where the bedroom is not pressured, there’s not high expectations, there becomes a freedom, there becomes gratitude, that becomes safety, where she feels able to express herself, where then her, she actually is able to activate and become aware of the feelings inside her ReSSA. And through all of that, in just several weeks, it was really amazing what God did, because she’s got several young children. And apparently, they went to a wedding and got home at like, 132 o’clock in the morning. And this was after driving all the way home, I guess it was a distance, and they had to drop off different people at different houses. And, you know, she’s a very busy woman, active in her community, you know, kids, and she works full time and just like, How in the world, you know, she’s supposed to have, you know, an awesome sex life amidst all of that stuff. But after that wedding, and they got home, she was like, no, no, she was so turned on that she, like, grabbed her husband was like we’re making love anyway. And so I’m so excited for her because now he or she knows what it’s like to be turned on. And she can, she can tap into that at any time. You know, once she has that, once she’s kind of gone there, and she understands and she can love the sexual connection, because I myself have the same thing. You know, they I know how to get to that, again, and again and again. And certainly there are waves and if I get out of the habit, or if I my menstrual cycle, you know, sometimes or if I am getting sick or whatever, there’s, there are times but then you, you snap right back into it. And you continue to recognize the value in the import of sexual connection with your husband. And then by God’s grace, it brings you together once again. So then you can, again to do God’s will better in this world. You feel filled up in love, and that just multiplies in every other area of your life. It’s really a beautiful, beautiful thing. It’s funny, different people that we’ve encountered, whether it’s people from church, or people from soccer, or whatever, they assume my husband and I are dating, because that’s the I guess, you know, they I don’t guess I mean, I know it’s just the level of excitement that we have for each other. But it’s really wonderful because they get a chance to see what does a healthy marriage look like? What does people that are crazy about each other look like? And And gosh, those are Christians, those are people like sex can be better in marriage. I don’t have to be sinning by being addicted to pornography or doing those hookups and our hookup culture, all these kinds of things. I can actually have a marriage that’s hot and fierce. The answer is yes. Yes, you can. Dear husband, that’s possible. Absolutely. And for a wife, you can feel filled up in sex, you can feel like it’s connected and intimate. And you feel cherished, and you feel adored, and your husband serves you and wants to romance you and listen to you and hold you even non sexually right. So yeah, I want to just give you that vision. It’s not outside of your reach. It’s not outside of your grasp. So let me switch gears. I want to talk about the HYDrive wife and For those listening that are like, I crave that I want my husband to desire me more sexually. I want to first off. Now these are going to be challenging things to just look at. But I do want to challenge you. Because
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if I don’t, I don’t think I’m speaking truth. And one of my biggest things for this season in my life, one of the three quarter goals that I have, is to speak truth, or at least don’t tell a lie. And I’m really focused on that, of course, I want to speak truth with wisdom, because I don’t think I need to be telling people, you know what, I think all the time, I don’t think that’s wise. And it’s not even biblical, but but the truth that I want to just ask you to consider is. So a few things. The first one is, when was the last time you initiated as the wife? When was the last time you initiate it? So some women tell me, you know, I, my husband has no desire, he doesn’t go after me, you know, it’s been years, or it’s at least been months, or it’s rare that you know, that he does anything. And I’m just curious, you know, why have you not initiated? Why have you not taken that opportunity to seduce him. And a lot of people, it’s their insecurity. A lot of people, they just want him to take all the insecurity, right, it’s very insecure for a husband, to pursue his wife sexually, because it’s such a need for him. So if you have rejected him, or you have corrected him, or you have said anything negative about your sex life before, there’s a big barrier for him, to even try one more time, much less over and over again, that is very hard for a husband to get past. So it might be your time, it might be your turn to initiate. Oh, my gosh, I talked to someone. I’m so sad about this. She and her husband are going through such challenges with their intimacy. And she told me that a sex therapist said for her not to initiate in a, and I just was like, jaw dropping like what? Why in the world? Would a sex therapist say something like that? Yes, the wife should be initiating. Yes, the wife should be seducing Yes, she should be enticing. Read the Song of Solomon, the, the the wife does a ton more talking than then the husband. So yes, you should be doing those things. And then I’m curious. Also, what does initiation mean to you? Does it mean you say something like want to come upstairs. So I’m curious, if you might want to make it a little sexier. You know, maybe you’re in your lingerie and you’re like, Honey, I would love to meet you in the bedroom. Now that sparks interest, but something like we should make love. That doesn’t spark as much interest that doesn’t spark as much as sexual tension.
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So want to want to go upstairs, again, is not as sexually enticing. Again, if you’re wearing normal clothes, that that’s your husband is visual. He wants to see you he wants to see your body. You know, part of my course is all about teaching you what seduction is. My program is all about helping you process and helping you see the woman’s body through men’s eyes, I have a whole photo guide that’s all about like, here’s a picture, here’s why it’s sexy to your husband, here are all the all the reasons it’s sexy, and how you can do that for him. And so I just encourage you, you know, think about yourself from your husband’s eyes. What would turn him on and, and just because you’ve got lingerie on, and lights are dim and you just jump in the bed is not the same as the lights are, at least on maybe they’re dim to be like a sexy, whatever. But you’ve got your lingerie on and you just linger in the doorway for him to really take in that visual feast of your body. So that’s something very, very different. So seduce him So send them those sexy text messages before. So he’s prepared to have an incredible experience that night. And once again, in my program, I share exactly what you can say, use borrowed courage, use my specific text messages that you can just send to him and know exactly what he boom, he’s thinking about it at work, he’s thinking about it wherever he is with the kids, and he is excited. So that’s, you know, for the HYDrive wife, put in that sexual tension all over your marriage, that should be all over the place, you should be doing all sorts of cutesy little sexy things to him. So that’s one. Another one is to recognize your husband is insecure about a lot of things sexually. You know, husband told me the other day that often that’s literally the measure of a man is his sex life. That’s how strong it is for him. So that means his penis size, that means his sexual abilities, that means his ability to make you orgasm. That means whether or not he has stamina, and is able to stay erect for long, you know that whether or not he, you know, has he d, these kinds of things can be affected, by the way you respond to him with joy and love and have a positive attitude throughout all of it. And you give him that confidence, and encouragement that’s all affected. And I want you to know, comments like, Honey, you should really get that checked. That is not a benign comment. That is a comment that lowers his self esteem, that it makes him not want to approach you and makes him feel like he’s broken. It makes him it’s almost like him saying, honey, I think you should really lose some weight. Like, can you imagine the kind of distance and the wall he would have put between you just by saying that. But he won’t tell you that because he’s a man. And he doesn’t want to show his weakness. He’ll pretend like it’s no big deal. But those are not benign statements. Those are things that really hurt and they cut deep. The last thing, and this is the hardest thing to share and ask you about but pornography might be involved. Because once again, sex is such an insecure kind of thing for men, that pornography doesn’t say no, pornography doesn’t make him have to be a man, he doesn’t make him have to cherish you so that you feel emotionally fulfilled, that you want to make love to him. Pornography is always there. The temptation is right on on his phone, one in five Google searches are for pornography. And it’s every flavor, every kink every all of it. Right.
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So the reason I’m saying that is not to scare you as much as it is to warn you, because I think, sadly, I talk to wives that are just completely unaware. They’re completely unaware of how pornography is all over our society. That every man, I would say, unless they’re living under a rock has been exposed to it. And there’s most non Christian men, unless they, you know, have a strong set of values against it, are using it, and they call it masturbation they call it natural. So I want to warn you that that’s a possibility. I want to warn you that that I don’t want you to have your eyes closed, I don’t want you to walk into danger and think that it’s not something that goes on. It is and it could be going on, and I’m not prescribing what to do next. I just want you to understand the normalcy of it. Not that it’s right. But I also don’t want you to think that your life should be shattered if that’s what’s going on. Because once again, most men, in fact, all men that I’ve ever met because I don’t know anyone who’s lived under a rock. All men have been exposed to it. And so, the next piece is okay, what am I going to do proactively about this as a wife? Yeah, and again, there’s a lot you can do. Not by fighting with him, but enticing him away from it. I’ve worked with wives in that capacity. And there’s ways that you can be a wise wife, attracting him away from the sin, the soul crushing sin of pornography and affairs. It’s not your job to be the force and to push him into force him out of it. That’s not going to be effective. That’s going to cause him into go into deceit mode and pretending and hiding things, and deleting his history and all that kind of stuff. But instead, how do you entice them out of that. And that’s important. And then the final thing I will say about hire Dr. Women, it could be completely normal. So I do want to say that it could be. So there you go. And the last thing is there could be things about his particular physiology that you know, low testosterone, stress, all that kind of stuff. So those are also, you know, he might be distracted, it might just not be a good day that he had at work, you know, those are all things to keep in mind. So don’t like blow this out of proportion. For sure. I don’t want to blow it out of proportion. But for those of you listening, that, that needed some of the hard truths, I wanted to share that. And I wanted to hopefully help you in those. So use your judgment to discern what’s going on for you guys. And pray about it. Ask God to help you to know how to interact with your husband to make your marriage more intimate, and more satisfying for you and for him. Because he feels your dissatisfaction, whatever it may be, and why however it is, he feels it too. And
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we’re changing that is really important and helpful for you guys. Alright, let me go ahead and pray for us. Father, I just lift up the person on the end of this microphone, I asked God that you would guide them and help them and, and help her to understand if it’s a wife listening help her to understand what her low libido should mean, practically in her life, God is just going to keep her from walking in amazing sex life with her husband, or is this something she’s going to overcome? And say that she’s not going to be the victim she’s going to be living and serving the way that you want her to and her marriage. And I pray also for the high libido wife that, you know, is really craving more intimacy with her husband, God, I ask that You would help her to know how to love him, how to love him well, and what it means to be the wise wife that is attracting just like the Song of Solomon wife that seducing and attracting him closer and closer to her, even sexually God. Lord, I pray for the marriages that this would reach God that you would just transform marriages, transformed families, transformed generations, Father God, do this work, God that only you can do. Do more and more and more in Jesus name. Amen. Wonderful. Well, thank you so much for joining me on the on the podcast today. And I do encourage you if you know someone that would be encouraged by this, maybe a girlfriend, maybe a husband that you know, or your own husband, or, you know, men, giving demand women to giving to women, whatever. That’s actually how this podcast has grown. Since it started, and by God’s grace, now it’s 19th out of the top 30 relationships podcast and I’m, I’m so honored and grateful and I really want to help you, I really want to give you guidance and support and wisdom. But if this is something that is helping you, I encourage you to share it. Not enough people are talking about these things. It’s It’s shocking how few resources there are to talk about something like this. So if this blessed you, I hope that you would be able to share it with somebody else and have the courage to do that because it’s not easy to talk about sex. And this might be the the help that somebody else is really craving for really striving for really looking for. Okay, God bless you have a wonderful, wonderful week. Bye
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Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion