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Yep… MY husband said this! Like last week.
What did he mean? Maybe you’re a wife that has insecurities like me? After a wonderfully intimate evening, I came clean about something I had been struggling with for a while. He was able to give ear to my heart and hear that I was feeling pain that I wasn’t even aware I was hiding from him.
Various husbands have expressed confusion as to why a wife wouldn’t want him looking at others while at the SAME TIME she’s hiding her curves he LONGS to see!
As a wife, I get it and I stumble in this way too. If I am not vigilant I can fall just like the enemy wants us all to. I think it’s sin because we’re separating ourselves from God and what He wants us to do… (Quite literally) our husbands. 🙂
Maybe you’re a husband who doesn’t “get it”. I have some important insights for you too!
Further… I’m EXTREMELY excited to invite you on a LIVE Webinar with me coming up!
On Fri, May 24 & Sun, June 2, 7:30pm EST
I’ll be hosting a LIVE FREE WEBINAR:
WHAT’S BLOCKING HER LIBIDO? The 7 Mistakes you might be making!
Sign up: www.delightyourmarriage.com/7blocks
transcript
0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah rose.
0:19
Key there, and welcome, welcome. I am so grateful that you join me. My name is belah rose. And this is the delight your marriage podcast, where we talk about all things intimacy. So a lot of that is talking about physical intimacy, because of course, that bleeds into everything else in your marriage. And in fact, it’s what I consider a catalytic part of your marriage. Because if you have amazing physical intimacy, oh my gosh, it can absolutely transform your emotional intimacy as well as spiritual intimacy, it really is a spiritual experience between the two of you. Alright, so before I dive in, when you listen to this podcast, I would invite you to consider whether or not you would benefit from a free webinar from me, called the seven blocks to her libido. Now, obviously, this is directed towards men. But if you’re a woman who’s curious about what I might be talking about, and it might be something that you want your husband to watch, I would encourage you to go ahead and sign up. So you can go to www dot delight your marriage.com/seven blocks, that’s the number seven, and then BL o CK s. Okay, so that’s actually going to be coming up very soon. So go ahead and sign up as soon as you can. And I’ll get you all the information that you need. But I’m looking forward to that. I think it’s going to be a really wonderful time together and it will be live. Okay, fantastic. So let’s dive in. I am so excited to talk to you about this topic. Because now that I teach men through virtual classes, as well as one on one, I really get excited to hear more about their hearts and where they’re coming from. And this podcast has been directed at women from the beginning. Because I have always sought to teach women the value of physical intimacy in their marriage, what that means practically inspire them empower them, to really have an amazing sexual intimate experience in their marriage. But funny enough, I would say just based on those who reached out to me, I don’t know 60% 70% 80%, maybe of my listeners are men, because they hear what I have to say they agree with it. And they are seeking how in the world can I transform things for my marriage for my wife’s perspective?
3:17
So that’s one of the reasons why I’ve started working with men, because I’m like, listen, gentlemen, there’s a lot of room for your improvement, there’s a lot of space for you to get help. And so I am beginning classes for men. And my next class starts June 1. So I encourage you to what I’m going to be doing is sharing quite a lot more about that class. But what I’m doing is consecutive class, so I’m going to be doing an eight week course for men take a month off in August. And then either mid September or late September, I’ll be starting a eight week course for women. And my women’s course has been extremely effective. And so what this does is give a husband plenty of time to enact everything that I’ve talked about to give his marriage such a boost and such a joy and an intimacy, emotionally and a safety sexually, that he may be able to invite his wife there three months from now that she would be willing and interested in want to take that eight week course with me. But my dear husband, you have to do the hard work. In order to lay that foundation you have to be extremely strategic. If you really want your marriage to change. You have to be extremely strategic. It may be a six month process, but let me tell you what you didn’t get here overnight. A lot of you have been suffering 25 years of sexless. marriage or something, something close to that I’ve worked with, with marriages like that, and by God’s grace thing have things have changed in a very short amount, short amounts of time. But if your wife is not willing to work with me, you have got to do different things, you have got to make changes. And so by God’s grace, I work with men and their marriages are changing, they’re becoming more emotionally intimate their wives are beginning to initiate, when they never have initiated before, they’re beginning to kiss them in public, or be willing to have intimate moments of communication where they never have before intimacy through different ways of physical intimacy than they ever have before. But you have to do the hard work first. And that’s what I want to work with you on. So come on my webinars, so you understand what’s blocking her libido. That’s a free webinar once again. And then I can help you have more insight into what might be stopping her. So let’s dive in more deeply into today’s topic of honey, you’re so hot, you know, please seduce me.
6:36
Awesome. So what happens a lot of times is my husband and I made love. And we have the opportunity afterwards to really connect on very deep levels. And sometimes things bubble up to the top that I hadn’t expected. He hadn’t expected. But they were there. They’ve been there for a long time. But something about lovemaking connects you to like nothing else. And communication flows much easier. You both have had oxytocin release this feel good hormone, he especially is much softer, because that is really the only time he has that kind of immense release of that wonderful feel good hormone that is so vital to his experience of love and feeling connected to her. So it’s really special to have that time together. And I definitely encourage you women and men to really value that time, that afterglow of sexual intimacy. But I digress. My husband and I were speaking and I realized there’s been something under the surface that had been building up for a while. And I was like, Honey, I have been feeling something. And I feel embarrassed to share it. I feel really embarrassed to share it and I I don’t I don’t. Yeah, I I don’t want I almost don’t want to share it. And I’m sharing it with you now. So clearly, there was some healing that happened since then. But I was like, Honey, I’ve been feeling really bad about my body. And he kind of sat up a little bit. And he’s like, really, and that intensity. And that desire to comfort me is so vital to my heart. So as a husband, when you start to sense your wife is opening up vulnerably emotionally that impacts her so deeply, when she begins to open up emotionally recognize that that’s a direct access to her ReSSA because opening opening opening now a husband is penetrating penetrating. She must open for his penetration to equal love to her if she’s not open that doesn’t feel like love that feels like abuse and being used. So you want her to feel open. Because even though sexual intimacy as a man is love to you, it doesn’t feel like love to her unless she is open. And that happens through emotional intimacy. Or it happens through what I call feminine sex, which is lovemaking that feels like lovemaking to her and I talk about that extensively in my Men’s course and what that means to be an amazing lover in her eyes, which is very different than Our society makes it out to be. And the opposite of what pornography makes it out to be. Anyway. So he sat up right away. And he’s like, Oh, wow. Oh, honey, I didn’t know you’ve been feeling this way, how long you’ve been feeling this way. And I was like, Honey, honestly, it’s been several months, I just feel like I’ve gained a lot of weight. And, you know, I’ve been in this you know, honestly, just this weird space of trying not to focus on you know, diets and all that stuff I’ve done yo yo diets my whole life, which if you don’t know what that means, it means that you lose some weight, and then you gain weight, and you lose some weight and you gain weight. It’s just like, up and down and up and down, like a yo, yo, and. And so I’m trying, I’ve been trying to not do that. And if you’ve listened to my podcast, you know that I’m, I’m really against that, that mindset, but I want to talk about it again today, because it’s something I struggle with. And I know that the vast majority of our culture struggles with something similar. If it’s not specifically dieting, it’s something else. So he just had a really open ear to what I had to say. And I talked about how
11:39
I haven’t been able to really see myself as beautiful in recent weeks or months. And he, he’s like, Honey, I’m so glad you told me. I had no idea. That’s how you were feeling. And again, that was the affirmation I needed. So gentlemen, take note, when your wife is vulnerable with you, when he she shares her heart, be grateful, be grateful that she shares her emotions with you. Not just because it opens her ReSSA. But because it opens her heart. I mean, that is the wife that you love. She’s sharing with you her most intimate feelings. And that that’s, that’s your job as her protector and her mate to hold her in that. That’s what she desires most. And so he said, I’m so grateful that you shared that with me. And then he affirmed to me, he said, Honey, you’re so beautiful. If you could only see your body through my eyes, if you could only see how beautiful you are in my eyes. And I guess, you know, thinking in my head, like Glee, Yeah, I sure wish I did. And I was like, Honey, it makes me not want to seduce you, because I don’t feel good about myself. And he was like, Honey, you’re so hot. Please seduce me. And I thought that was really funny. And that gave me the inspiration to have this conversation with you. Because the truth of the matter is on all, you know, measures out there objective measures, I seduce him plenty he he enjoys quite a lot of seduction. But with that in mind, it really takes a lot of preparation in my own heart to make sure that I’m seducing him. And I know I could put myself out there even more, and I could do more with myself and my body. And personally, I know I could. And I teach women to do this in my courses. And I practice them myself. However, there’s far more you can always make your intimacy way more way hotter and more steamy and all these kinds of things. And we’ve had seasons of our marriage where I have been out of my head in my body far more and our intimacy has just exploded, and it’s just been in these recent weeks that I have been allowing the enemy to speak lies to me about my body so that I have kind of crumpled in side my shell to not feel good, and then thus not want to seduce him. I wanted to give a little have insight about how men think. In my men’s group, I was teaching about how pornography is so terrible. In a marriage, it has no place in either the man’s life or in the woman’s life, or in their life together, it should not be anywhere.
15:22
As a couple that seeks healthy, good, God honoring marriage, and if I’ve ever been unclear about that, please know that that is never, ever been okay. In my book, it is sadly rampant in our society, and almost like an expectation for people. It is not okay, and it is not an expectation. And when you stand before Jesus, you have no excuse to say, Well, my wife wouldn’t make love to me, of course, I had to sin and in do pornography, and that is just, Jesus is not gonna, he’s gonna be like, Are you kidding me? What are what are you 12? Like, what? No, what you need to do is get countability in place, you need to get a filter on your computer, a great one is covenant eyes.com. Another one is xx, xx church.com. These are great resources. You need to get people in your church that are holding you accountable. Other men that know what’s going on, your wife should not be your accountability partner on this, it’ll hurt her too much. All that to say is do not do porn. But next, when I kind of was talking about how the reason it will hurt your wife is because she wants your eyes to be completely on her. She wants your attention. She wants you to fully love her. I mean, she wants her body to be the only thing that turns you on. She wants it to be all her. And this husband was having a really hard time believing that because he was like, my wife doesn’t even want me to see her change or get naked. Why in the world? You know, I just don’t believe you saying that. She wants, you know, my eyes just for her. And I understand now, in the moment, I was like, how, how does he How was he missing those. But I recognize it’s not logical. Because of course, if if a wife wanted his eyes, you would think she would like, just go crazy to make him crazy. Like she would go far out of her way to get him excited about her body. But here’s the thing. A wife has to be extremely confident in her own body, to present her body to him. Because our society tells her that you’re not worthy of attention unless you look like these women. And so she’s scared to reveal her body. And so what a husband’s job is, is to really help her to understand the beauty of her body, help her to feel that she is the only one he desires. And He disciplines his own heart and his own mind, to only desire his wife. And the beautiful thing is the more they make love, he does it. Actually, the more you a man orgasms to a certain visual, the actual the more he’s like addicted to that visual. So as he watches his wife, be the one that he has an orgasm when he sees her, he does see her more and more and more beautiful. So I encourage you in that it will become more so. So I had to explain to this husband that your wife actually does want you to be turned on by her. Basically no matter what she’s wearing, no matter what she’s doing. She feels like you know, she’s the one that should have your attention.
19:27
And I gave him an anecdote of one of my personal clients that I work with one on one. You know, she’s extremely, extremely modest. And she had trouble understanding why her husband would want her to wear any immodest clothing to be turned on because she looks beautiful in the modest clothing that she wears. And I totally agree with that the the modest clothing she does look beautiful, but your husband is turned on by your curves. by the beauty of your body by seeing you, he’s extremely visual, he loves that visual feast that you can offer him through your body. And so when you’re under, when you’re believing the lies of the enemy, that you’re not sexy, or you’re not as beautiful as that woman over there, you kind of crumpled up inside. And you don’t want to show your body like, what’s the point, I’m not as good as her, I don’t look like that. And so, as a woman, to give a little bit of clarity here, as a woman, your job is to discipline your mind, and to discipline your heart, not to compare yourself not to say that, because there’s this person or this body type that that, you know, world says is beautiful. And I don’t measure up, that I’m not beautiful, or I’m not created with enough worthiness to present it to my husband. That is a complete lie from the enemy. And that divides you and your husband. And it’s what I was, I mean, that was my sin was not disciplining my mind. Here’s a practical way of changing that. I talk about it all the time. affirmations, let me change my wording a little bit, because I think people get confused on what affirmations are. What I mean, when I say affirmations, I mean, Faith statements, statements and faith, that are saying what you want to believe about yourself, wherever in your life, you need to believe something, you need a new belief, start saying faith statements in that direction. Now, I’ve used these for years. And I think whenever any of us as women struggle in this area, and I gotta tell you, we all go through seasons of life, I think every woman on earth goes through seasons of life, where they are insecure about their body, because our bodies are always changing, whether it’s just because of age, which catches up to all of us, because of pregnancies because of stressful seasons, transitions, you know, all sorts of things, affects the way we look in our bodies. And so we need faith statements that are going to keep us grounded, and in God’s truth that He made us he made our curves, he made our skin he made our skin color. He made its beauty He made our ReSSA he made the sensitivities, he made every part that’s so glorious, and beautiful. And even if we have abused our body, you know, maybe we’ve abused it just because of the pain we’ve gone through. Not not because we’re, you know, gross, bad, any of that kind of nonsense. That’s from the enemy. Once again, that’s a lie. But if we haven’t honored our body, maybe in the ways that we feel that we should have. Now it’s time to change our face statements to say, I love my body. I love the way God has made it. I love where it is right now. I love that I get to love my husband, and give him a visual feast with my body. I love that this is the body God has given me. I love that there’s a reason I have all of these wonderful, peculiar peculiarities. Not sure if I’m pronouncing that accurately peculiarities. Excuse me. He designed it this way. He is the reason you are his masterpiece. So when you have those face statements at the ready, and you just start saying those out loud, right when the enemy wants to
24:10
bring the nap the badness, that you’re saying that you’re judging yourself as bad. Right when the enemy’s trying to bring that to you. When you have those face statements that that shock you right out of it. You say those faith statements out loud. And I tell you, I use this. I use this before I come to seduce my husband. But there were still stretches of time where I wasn’t doing this on my daily routines. And it was affecting me already. Just in that short amount of time because of different transitions because of different changes that were going on in different areas of my life. And it was affecting the way I presented myself in our intimacy So, in sharing that with the husband, what was important for him to understand was that his wife’s insecurity is what causes her to separate herself from him. But that makes him feel unloved. So when I talked to my husband, and he said, Honey, you’re so hot, please seduce me. First of all, it wasn’t because I wasn’t seducing him. He’s saying that because he’s like, don’t stop. But that’s what men, they feel loved. When you do that for them, they, those visuals, they keep that with them, they hold on to that it shows them that you love them. When you initiate with such generosity, and you give them those lap dances and seduction, teases and stripteases and all those things. As a wife, that is what he holds on to when he feels tempted, or there’s some stupid advertisement that flashes across the television screen or he walks down the street, and someone’s got some ridiculous thing on like, you can’t avoid temptation in our lives today. But you as a wife, you can be the memories that he draws to mind of, oh my gosh, my wife is so hot. And a hot woman is a woman that presents herself as hot, a woman that presents herself with confidence. And you know, it’s interesting, I was thinking about this just last night. It’s not whether or not you have confidence, it’s whether or not you have insecurity. I think that’s a better framing. Because underneath insecurity is confidence. Think about when you know someone’s insecure, it’s so easy to point out someone who’s insecure. You know, think about when you’re watching some something live, for example, and you just see the insecurity, you know, maybe the hands are, are completely at their side, they have no hand gestures. I kind of think that their hands or their arms kind of look like limp fish. Like they just don’t have any expression with their arms, their hands. Maybe there’s just lack of expression, all over their body, they’re not willing to kind of use their extremities at all. They’re not really willing to move around. I mean, think about really visualize. What is insecurity? You know, usually the shoulders are slumped, you don’t you make eye contact with the audience, or with whomever you’re speaking with. Like, when somebody has insecurity. What does that look like? Now, think about if they were to just take off the insecurity. Just take it off like a coat and hang it up and put it somewhere else until the next time you want to pick it up. What if you were to take off your insecurity. And you were to perk up, and you were to smile. And you were to use your hands the way you normally would if you were comfortable?
28:48
What if you were to just take off your insecurity in front of your husband. Just take it off, just like you were by yourself. Do you have insecurity by yourself? Why do you have it around your husband? He wants to see you. Just you without that insecure coat draped on you. That doesn’t make you safer? It doesn’t make you look better. It’s not making you be a better lover. Why do you carry that insecurity coat? It doesn’t make your body look better. It doesn’t make your demeanor better doesn’t make you sexy or what? What’s the point? Why are you carrying that around? I really do feel it’s the opposite of grabbing confidence. You don’t have to wiggle your way into a confident dress. All you need to do is take off the coat of insecurity and walk into the room without it. And oh my gosh girlfriend you are hot. When you take off that coat of insecurity. It does No matter what you’re wearing, you’re hot when you don’t have that insecurity and you can seduce your husband, with all the joy and freedom without that coat of insecurity. So why isn’t she seducing you, even though she wants all of your attention is because she feels insecure? And what can you do as a wife to become the more confident free you take off your coat of insecurity, and have faith statements ready, that you say out loud with enthusiasm in the bathroom, before you come out to seduce him. Say it when you’re on your walk in the mornings. That’s when I say my faith statements, and really be able to give yourself entirely to your husband in visual feasts. That’s what he craves. That’s what He desires. And as a husband, how can you help her is that you can comment on her beauty all the time, there is no restriction on how many compliments you can give your wife, I usually say give your wife, three compliments a day, give your husband three compliments a day, whether it’s on her beauty, whether it’s on her personality, whether it’s on non sexual aspects of her body, which I really encourage you to give her compliments on as well. But definitely encourage her beauty so that she begins to see herself through your eyes. Because that’s how we see each other. We see ourselves through our spouse’s eyes. So often, that’s why coordinate marriages are so detrimental to each person is because we have we have a self conception that is created by the person, or it’s reinforced, reinforced and created by the person that’s reflecting our lives back to us, the person that’s closest to us, and that is our closest human relationship, which is our spouse. So next, I want to talk about the fact that the enemy wants to distract you through body image issues. So we get so tied up and obsessed with body image, that it keeps us from doing God’s will.
32:56
This is the sin I was committing. Not just the sin of separating myself from my husband, but separate, separating myself from God’s will, and what he wants me to do. Because every time we think negatively about our body, and think about how we can solve it, and what diet to go on and, and how we can, you know, make our our body look differently, or change our makeup to look this way or that way, or all of the intimate knowledge that you know, that you don’t like about your physique or your physicality, and the way that you’re obsessing to change it when we do that, when I do that, I feel like we’re actually sinning. Because we’re separating ourselves from God, and what he wants and how He wants us to view and look at the world and perceive and to do His work. Because think about it. You have finite resources. And I don’t just mean money, money, yes. But I mean the mind space, your emotional capacity, the capacity of your thoughts, your conscious thoughts, even your unconscious thoughts, the ways that you get defocused from what matters? Like what if the amount of time you have spent dieting? Let me let me direct it myself because maybe dieting is not something that you’ve ever had to deal with. But the amount of time I have invested in dieting, watching videos about you know eating in ways that will affect you know, weight loss or just dieting programs or reading books about certain ways of eating or telling other people or doing accountability programs or in that kind of stuff. Oh my gosh, I could have had another full time ministry. I mean, over the years, it has been wild. And by God’s grace, I’ve been pretty free from it for the last couple of years, I did a body series a couple of years ago, you can go back and listen to that. And that’s when I started my journey on freedom from food and freedom in body image. But, or that was around the time that I had started, I guess, when I had started to get some, you know, a lot of freedom from it actually. And I think just the way, life is, when you have kind of a proclivity towards something, you have to just keep at that thing you have to keep, you have to recognize that the enemy wants to get you at that particular point of sin. And so you just have to be vigilant, and this is kind of something that for me, I just have to continue to be vigilant against, to not let myself sink into a comparison mode into a competitive mode into a, I need to look the best I need to be the sexiest I need to, you know, catch other people’s eye outside of my husband, I mean, there’s just this, this zone that my head gets into, and kind of this vicious cycle of judgment and get I mean, that all of that stuff is against what God wants me to be about. And it also is counterproductive towards what a healthy body type would actually be. Because if I was so busy, and focused on God’s will and His work and the, you know, the beautiful life, he has not not that I’m, you know, so busy that I don’t actually enjoy his life, but where my focus is actually should be, then I could have then then I could have so much more effect in the kingdom of God. Because I’m not distracted and obsessed with what God?
37:13
Yeah, what separates me from God, which is this obsession with body image? So all that to say, I want you to challenge yourself, Where are you, my dear wife? obsessing? Where’s there an obsession for you, that separating you from God. And it’s probably separating you from your husband to maybe it’s an obsession with perfection on social media, maybe you’re so busy crafting, you know, beautiful pictures, or, you know, amazing shots of photography, or all these kinds of things to post on Pinterest, and Facebook and Instagram or whatever, that you’re not making love to your husband, because you’re so busy maintaining a perfect perception, or brand image that, that you’re not making love several times a week. And he feels like, then he’s not able to function in his most effectiveness through the in the kingdom of God either. But this is also something for men as well. Just another example. Of course, these are both cliched stereotypical examples, and they both can switch either of them, but maybe as a man. You know, you’re obsessed with your business and in your career, and you’re you know, and you don’t do the emotional work of being patient and kind and loving, which are the things that turn your wife on, and are the things that God wants you to do. And so that’s actually separating you from your wife and separating you also from God. So, you know, turn Yes, yes, I’m kind of being vulnerable and sharing with you my struggles, but where’s the microscope or where’s the magnifying glass on your heart and, and what you’re not allowing to be exposed? Because I started this conversation with sharing with you, after my husband and I made love. We were able to connect on such a deep level to expose what the enemy wanted, covered up, because it was separating me from not only my husband, but also from God and doing His work and being vulnerable with you and doing more effective ministry, in my work with you and with all my clients. But I hope that this has been insightful I hope that you, yourself are are just kind of racking your brain how is this applicable to my own life? My own heart, how can I move closer to Jesus and closer to my spouse, and whomever is listening I want to encourage you to take the next step. I would love to invite you on this webinar. It’s a free webinar, you can talk to me personally on this webinar, in terms of, you know, the there’ll be many others on the on the line, but I’ll have a time of question answers. If there’s a question that you’re like, how do I, you know, what is the block here? Or why does she do this or whatever? I’ll be answering questions. So I’m really excited about that. I love doing live webinars, I haven’t in probably over a year in so I’d love to invite you on that. Awesome. Let me pray for you, Father, God, whoever is on the other end of this microphone, whether it be husband or wife, wherever they are in their marriage, whether it’s just interesting, they’re, they’re on this call because they’re, they’re interested in hearing more, or if they’re listening because they’re desperate for answers to desperate to turn things around. Father God, I asked for the grace to hear what they needed to hear to take out the nuggets that they needed, Father that you would inspire in them. Change inspiring them something that would truly turn them around, Father God, and really let this podcast this even day, this specific moment, be a catalyst for them to change their marriage. Father God, give them hope. You are living hope. I love you. Amen. Again, if you are going to sign up for the webinar, I hope that you will do so very soon. www dot delight your marriage.com/seven blocks. So that’s the number seven B lock s and that means that I’ll be talking about the seven blocks to her libido. Awesome. God bless you and I will talk to you very soon.
42:16
Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it. Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion