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I think this has been something I’ve wondered and I know the wives I’ve worked with have thought their husbands were.
Maybe you’re a husband and you’re concerned that you might be too? Maybe you’re a wife and think your husband is.
I mean there’s a lot less scriptures about sex in the bible than there are about other things right?
Well…Have you heard all the scriptures about golf? And yet, people spend a lot of time golfing. Or playing football. Or doing make up or hair or clothes. Or horsebackriding… And yet, we spend a lot of time and energy on our specific hobbies.
Yet the Bible does have A LOT to say about sex. The wrong type of sex and how to fill that desire. I want to walk you through scriptures and my own insights over the years, that I hope you God would give you a lot of freedom through this podcast and you wouldn’t feel the concern but you would align your heart with the way God views and wants you to view sex with your spouse.
transcript
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Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah. Rose.
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Hey, there, welcome, welcome. This is belah rose, thank you for joining, I wanted to invite you, first and foremost to a webinar that I’m having June 2. Now, I had the webinar on May 24, this past Friday, and it was extremely successful. I’m so grateful. I received several testimonials already of just not only, you know, one gentleman said, Oh, my gosh, now you’ve got me crying. You know, while he was on the webinar, and another gentleman said that he actually invited his wife on the webinar, and they watch it together. And she said it was helpful. And he’s thank you with a million explanation points. All right, I’m exaggerating, probably four explanation points. And then anyway, it’s just been really fantastic to hear that by God’s grace, it’s already opened up marriages. Now the title of the webinar is the seven blocks to her libido, remove these for generous intimacy in your marriage. So I’m hopeful that you will be able to attend it’s a live webinar, which basically is a classroom online, and you’ll be able to see me, no one else is going to be able to see you. It’s a private setting. If you’ve never used a webinar before, it’s very easy, I actually am going to be using an easier platform than I did the last one. So it’ll be very easy for you to just jump on. And I hope you’re going to be able to be there live, because that means you’re going to be able to interact with me on the chat. And it’s just going to be fantastic. Previously, I said don’t join with your wife. But I actually have now had responses of people who did join with their wives. And it was actually helpful. So maybe I was wrong about that. So go ahead and invite her if you feel like you’re at a pretty good spot. And she may be open to this kind of stuff, or, you know, who knows what God might do. But definitely for your own sake, you should join so that you can get Yeah, just an understanding of what might be blocking her. Or if you’re a wife, what’s blocking you? What are the underlying reasons that you are not interested in intimacy at this juncture of your life, even if you used to be? Because a lot of times I’m working with clients who used to be really gung ho about sex, and now they’re just like, No, I cannot do it. Awesome. So I hope to see you there. And let’s talk about this topic, being obsessed with sex. Now, I have done this work for years. And that has come to mind in my own heart. Am I obsessed with this stuff? Why? You know, why do I feel almost like this is wrong to to be so focused on it? So let’s go ahead and dive in to this topic.
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All right, a number of wives that I’ve worked with have just felt so frustrated with their husbands like, if he’s a man of God, why is he so focused on sex? I mean, shouldn’t he be focused on the Word of God? Shouldn’t he be focused on ministry, there’s so much else to be focused on. And I definitely understand that and I hear that all the time. Before I really dive into this conversation, I want to just recognize that I seek to give very careful guidance on this. I want to just point out two scriptures that have come to mine, James three, one, it says Not many of you should be teachers, my fellow believers because you know, that we who teach will be judged more strictly. And if that wasn’t essentially scary enough, we’ve got another really wonderful verse of Jesus saying, in Luke 17, Jesus said to His disciples, it is inevitable that stumbling blacks will come, but woe to the one through whom they come, it would be better for him to have a millstone hung around his neck and to be thrown into the sea than to cause one of these little ones to stumble. Which essentially, a millstone I looked it up, at least in the 1800s was 3000 pounds. So even if it was a fraction of that, the point is you would drowned. So I am sobered by that. And I think, as I’ve started this work years ago, I was just under the impression that I’m sharing my thoughts. And this is kind of helpful for people, but it’s only become much more recently that I’m like, oh my goodness, this is, this is bonafide teaching. This is what is, you know, by God’s grace, really changing the course of people’s lives and marriages and families and generations, literally, because of my teaching. And so I’m, I’m recognizing that you that I cannot hold what I say on this podcast lightly, because by God’s grace, it’s affecting people around the world. So I guess I want to just start out the conversation with husband, wife, you who, who’s listening, maybe even someone who’s potentially getting married soon, which, obviously, there’s, there’s tons of those in the world that listen, thank, thankfully, is as they’re preparing, but you know, is there an obsession with sex, maybe in their own heart in, you know, their lives of their spouse, you know, just this concern? So, let me just talk a little bit more about, you know, when I have started stretching myself into the things that I hadn’t explored before. Yeah, I got concerned. I got concerned whether or not I was exploring things that I shouldn’t be exploring. How far is too far? So as I teach women and men one on one, and clients have this concern, why is my husband wanted all the time? Maybe I’m just holier than him. Or, you know, shouldn’t he be disciplining his mind so that he’s not thinking about that all the time. So again, in a sober minded way, I want to give some insights to you. And I’m going to be speaking to the wife. But I know many husbands listen to this. So I think I want you to also be kind of challenging your own heart as you’re listening. So, dear wife, you have been given this husband, you know, we all have different needs in this life. Some some spouses have disabilities, maybe they have mental health challenges, which is huge. I’ve never really did it. Dove didn’t know into that in this podcast. But that’s a huge, I think it’s one might be one. And I think it’s 18% of the population have significant mental health things that
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actually really affects marriages, not to mention just illnesses. And then just Everyone has weaknesses. We all have emotional needs, physical needs, spiritual needs. We all have different personality needs. And then something I want to even dive more into is sinful proclivities. So when you’re stressed, you might be someone who snaps at your kids. Your spouse may need to be the person to support you, in helping you through those stressful moments or seasons, so that you don’t sin in this way. Or you might worry more than the next person and your spouse might be the one to help you see the situation in a more hopeful and faith based light. Or you might be an achiever. But that means you have have to be very careful about greed, and storing up your treasure in on Earth and your spouse might be the one to inspire you to use your gifting to give to those who don’t have that ability, or to give to the areas of life that really are more important than storing up treasure on Earth. Or maybe God has given you incredible prophetic giftings but you need your spouse to be helping you walk circumspect and be very careful that you’re submitting yourself to living out the fruits of the Spirit. Love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. So we all have, you know, I just mentioned sinful proclivities I mentioned, anger, I mentioned worry, I mentioned greed, I mentioned, lacking character, lacking the fruits of the Spirit. So, Luke 12, four is a very sobering passage, it says, I tell you, my friends, this is from Jesus, do not be afraid of those who kill the body. And after that can do no more. So that’s pretty dramatic, right? And don’t be afraid of those who kill you. And then in verse five, it says, but I will show you whom you should fear, fear the one who, after you have been killed, has the power to throw you into hell, yes, I tell you fear him. But then in verse six, it says, are not five sparrows sold for two pennies, yet not one of them is forgotten by God. And even the very hairs on your head are numbered. So do not be afraid you are worth more than sparrows. So that’s extremely sobering. And at the same time, encouraging. And so you need someone to help you with that, to recognize there is fear of God, you should be living out in your life. And at the same time, that same God cares so deeply about you, that he knows the intimate details of things you don’t even know yourself, when was the last time you counted the hairs on your head. I’ve never done it myself. So that you need that you need that. So a lot of times people say things like they interprets that first scripture in Genesis where the wife, you know, Eve was created, and it says that she was the helpmate. That’s usually how the Bible’s translations say what that means that that first but that, that that word is actually used over and over in Scripture. And what helpmate actually is, is as are connected. And so the two words together, his helper and then meet, but let’s, let’s break those two words down connect
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means equal part of a whole. And it’s perfectly corresponds to the other part. It’s needed. Its equal, and opposite. Victor Hamilton says what God created for Adam exists will exactly correlate with him. It’s like the North Pole in the South Pole. No one debates about who’s better who’s higher, right? Then Ezer, that is actually used 21 times that word. In the Old Testament. Two times in generous Genesis. It’s described for women, three times, it’s described for a powerful nation that comes to help save the nation of Israel. The other 16 times it is used to describe God. And it’s God who’s giving the type of help to save His people. It’s powerful. It’s used in a military context, and its people in danger. Like the scripture of I lift my eyes up to the hills, where does my help come from? Or it’s about Jesus, it’s about God’s sending help to his people who desperately need it. So it’s not a helpmate like an assistant. But it’s a help like a life saver. Like a life support. So as you’re connected as a wife, you are your savior, your equal counterpart, Savior to your husband. So your husband has giftings that the world needs that God needs in this world. And at the same time, he can fall in it can literally destroy his soul. It’s that serious.
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You know your husband Bend is, is by God’s grace gifted in spiritual things. He’s got personality giftings he’s got wisdom and strengths. You know, he is susceptible, at the same time, to sexual appetites. He has sexual appetites, and even Jesus acknowledged it. So I want to talk about Matthew 12. Starting at verse three. Then some Pharisees came and tested him by saying, Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife? For any reason? Jesus answered, have you not read that from the beginning, the Creator made them male and female, and said, For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two but one flesh? Therefore, what God has joined together, let no man separate. Why, then, they asked, Did Moses order a man to give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away? Jesus replied, It was because of your hardness of heart, that Moses permitted you to divorce your wives. But it was not this way from the beginning. Now I tell you that Whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery. His disciples said to Him, if this is the case, between a man and a wife, it is better not to marry. This is the key verse I want you to hear. Jesus says, Not everyone can accept this word, he replied, but only those to whom it has been given. For there are Unix who are born that way. Others were made that way by men. And still others live like UNIX for the sake of the kingdom of heaven, the one who can accept this should accept it. So even Jesus was saying, this is a gift to not marry. Right? He says, only those to whom it has been given. It’s a gift if you’re able not to marry, because he’s saying that if you aren’t making love with a wife with your wife, it’s like you’re living like a unike. Like a man who does not have a penis. That’s how dramatic it is when you’re not making love. So taking note of that, dear wife, if your husband’s not making love with his wife, it’s like he’s living like a unike. But he’s married. And God did not give him the gift of being like a UNIQ where others live like UNIX for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Jesus acknowledged this. And it didn’t. It wasn’t a map. It wasn’t, you know, it wasn’t the fear of emasculating like it is today. What it is now it what it is, is actually, you know, he, he felt, I mean, it was an honor right to give more to the kingdom of heaven, because you’re not distracted by sex. But if if your husband is married, he has not been given the gift of being able to live like a unike. Now, Paul even acknowledged us no, of course, another person who was so dramatic in the kingdom of heaven, but also was celibate. He talked about this in First Corinthians, he says, Now, for the matters, you wrote about, it is good to abstain from sexual relationship relations. But because there is no there are so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman, her own husband, the husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise, the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband, likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife.
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So this is biblical. Just this is my side note. This is biblical. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband, okay, that’s biblical. Just FYI, it’s a bad strategy. If you’re trying to enact that and force that in your marriage, it’s going to backfire. And if you’ve done that, if you’ve brought up this verse to your wife, more than likely, there’s a lot of issue there. Come on to the webinar coming up June 2, and you’re going to learn what is really going on in her heart when that has happened and how to understand now how to uproot that. So she’s actually going to want to share her body with you and want to give you authority over it. Rather than taking it and her resisting and, you know, having just this complete wall up because of your previous interactions around sex, and I totally get it. If you guys have had arguments around like all you want to sex and back and forth, and back and forth and so much pain around that, I get it. And that’s what I want to talk to you about. I want to help you there. But anyway, Paul goes on in verse five, Do not deprive one another except by mutual consent and for a time, so you may Devote yourselves to prayer, then come together again, so that Satan will not tempt you through your lack of self control. I say this as a concession, not as a command, I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God. Once again, think about it, there’s a gift. That’s the gift God has given Paul is celibacy. If you are married, your husband did not receive that gift. Paul continues, one has this gift. One has another verse eight. Now to the unmarried and widows I say this, it’s good for them to remain unmarried as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, let them marry For it is better to marry than to burn with passion. So Paul said, because of sexual immorality, have your own spouse? No, of course, in our society? I would say I mean, certainly I didn’t leave live back then. And there were temple prostitutes, and there was all sorts of, you know, orgies and all this stuff going on, you know, probably, you know, just like it is today. I think it’s exacerbated in our culture, I think. I mean, I live in New York City’s sex is everywhere, right? You’ve got billboards, and just hookup culture, and all sorts of really awful things. But really, wherever you live in the world, it’s there to write under your noses. And right at the end of your fingertips on your phone, there’s, you know, tons and tons and tons of very sad, sad, you know, people that are that are addicted to this kind of stuff, sexual sin. So, anyway, let me move towards something important, I think that women need to see that often is overlooked. You probably have seen tons and tons and tons of verses around not committing sexual immorality. And there’s even whole chapters in the Bible around not committing adultery, or going towards the prostitute or all of these kinds of things. And I think as women so many times, it’s like, yeah, I know, he should not do that stuff. This is important. And that’s the way she responds to these verses. But instead, I think the wise wife should recognize that this is such a temptation for your husband, that God has to remind him over and over and over and over again. Don’t do that, my son don’t do that. It is going to destroy you. It’s going to destroy your your, your soul. Let me let me just focus on one time that you know one chapter that it’s talking about this. Proverbs five. You know, this is written by the wisest man in the whole world aside from Jesus, this is King Solomon. He says my son,
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pay attention to my wisdom. Turn your ear to my words of insight, that you may maintain discretion and your lips may preserve knowledge for the lips of the adulterous woman drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil. But in the end, she is bitter as gol sharp as a double edged sword. Her feet go down to death, and her steps lead straight to the grave. She gives no thought to the way of life her paths wander aimlessly, but she does not know it. Now then my sons Listen to me. Do not turn aside from what I say. Keep to a path far away from her. Do not get near to the door of her house, lest you lose your honor to others and your dignity to one who is cruel. Less strangers, feast on your wealth and your toil enrich the house of another. At the end of your life, you will groan when your flesh and body are spent, you’ll say how I hated discipline, how my heart spurned correct I would not obey my teachers or turn my ear to my instructors, and I was soon in serious trouble in the assembly of God’s people. And then in verse 15, it says, drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed. And may you rejoice in the wife of your youth, a loving doe, a graceful deer, May her breasts satisfy you always? And may you ever be intoxicated with her love? Why am I Sunday intoxicated with another man’s wife? Why embrace the bosom of a wayward woman for the ways for your ways are in full view of the Lord. And he examines all your paths, the evil deeds of the wicked, ensnare them, the cords of their sins, hold them fast, for lack of discipline, they will die let astray by their own great folly. So it’s very clear that adultery for every every, you know, sexual immorality, is absolutely soul crushing, and leads to death. But then there’s this beautiful part where we as wives have an opportunity in verse 19, a loving doe, a graceful deer may her breasts and he’s talking about the wife, May her breasts satisfy you always, may you will ever be intoxicated with her love. You talking about literal intoxication. So as a wife, you have the opportunity to save your husband out of death, out of death. And it’s not just, you know, something, this is metaphorical. But did you notice how it says for the ways for your ways are in full view of the Lord and he examines all your paths. Like the Lord cares about your husband’s sexuality, it’s very important that he is sexually pure. And so as a wife, we can intoxicate our husbands, to help him to save him from the temptations of the world. He needs to do what God wants him to do in this world. He needs to be that soldier that God wants him to be to bring disciples of, of men just like we are, we’re supposed to be disciples, we’re supposed to be bringing disciples of Jesus.
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And you can be the woman that saves him from such an abysmal pain and misery, and potentially eternity of that, you know, by God’s incredible mercy and grace. You know, I’ve worked with clients where their husband, one in particular was coming to mind as a husband was sex starved, and they had an absolutely horrible marriage was headed for divorce. And she told me that several times she was concerned about whether or not she was going to separate from him and all these things. And then, by God’s grace, it’s just completely turned around. He had no desire to do anything with church. And now by God’s grace, they go every single Sunday, and it’s just incredible. And my own husband, you know, was completely against it had no desire, and through generous lovemaking now is an incredible member of the church, dedicated his life to Jesus serves the community and has become an incredible man of God of character. Love for Me, all of his sexual immorality, he’s free from in terms of all sorts of addictions, and by God’s grace. You know, I have the the honor and the privilege of giving him that intoxication. So here’s what I think is very important. Is that as a wife, you know, maybe you’re thinking, Well, I just don’t think it’s right, to really indulge in sexuality with my spouse. Here’s what I find as a wife is that it is a discipline for me to serve in love through sexual intimacy. I find it is a discipline of service. I have and have had to discipline myself to remember to be consistent. I’ve got a low sex drive, so it’s not Something that my body just consistently reminds me of, sometimes it does, which is, you know, great, but sometimes it just doesn’t. And I’ve got to have an internal clock of our internal tracking of, okay, it’s been a couple days, let’s get this moving again, let’s get going. And this is going to be fun and great. And I’ve got to do my, you know, Faith statements and all my fancy clothes and you know, dancing in the mirror, whatever I need to do to make sure this happens, I’ve got to make sure I’ve got clothing, I’ve got to make sure that I have respect for him. Right, because if, if I’m not respecting him, he doesn’t want to have sex with someone just didn’t disrespect him or going to Mother him or any of those things. I’ve got to hold my tongue, I’ve got to be grateful for all the incredible ways and who he is, as a man, as a person as my husband, I’ve got to have consistent attention to the way he feels loved through sex. So what are the areas what are the activities, I’ve got to have discipline of my own confidence in myself and my body, I’ve got to have a discipline of not comparing myself to others. And those are the kinds of disciplines that ultimately make me a better person for God. Disciplining myself to not compare myself to others to disciplining myself to have confidence that God can use me, you know, these are things. And truly, most of all, it’s a discipline of tying myself to Jesus, first and foremost, that I’m tethered to him, to give me strength to love my husband, and truly save him in the ways that he needs to be saved. So he can leave my home and have all the intense temptations of this world again, at his very fingertips, not to mention the woman and the ridiculous clothes walking down the street and the advertisement of the woman of the bikini and all these kinds of things. You know, he can leave my home with immense remind, uh, you know, memories of being intoxicated with my love, so that he, he doesn’t have to go down to she all he doesn’t have to go down to death, that his sin doesn’t tether him to soul crushing. Ultimately, what God will judge him for, because his sexuality is right before the Lord and God cares about his sexuality. It’s a big deal. And my husband has to save, he has to be diligent to save me in the ways I need to be saved. Remember, as Christ loved the church, that’s how the husband treats the wife. He’s got to be darn diligent for me at the same time.
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So let me remind you, of the first and greatest commandment is to love the Lord your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength, everything. That’s how you love the Lord your God. I feel like I, I think about that verse. More than any other verse, I think, I’m pretty sure. And I feel so far away from that. And I asked God on a consistent basis to help me love him with all helped me to love him with all help me to love him with my mind, my soul helped me to, you know, there’s so much sin and darkness on my heart, you know, how do I love him with all and I think only by God’s grace, that he helps us with that, and only by Jesus sacrifice that we can even approach that and, and truly, you know, when we get to Judgment Day, ultimately, it is only by Jesus blood that we’re able to even stand there. But that is his command is to love him with all and then the second is like it to love your neighbor as yourself. And in priority, your husband comes as your first neighbor, closest one to you. Hopefully he’s waking up on the next side of the bed, side of the bed right beside you. After that. It’s your kids, and then it’s your ministry. Everything else is after that. So after loving, God is loving your husband. Now your husband should never come before God. But you are serving God by loving your husband. I think God can convict your husband out of perversion. A lot better than you can. So if you feel like there’s perversion going on for him, God can convict him of that. I would suggest if you feel convicted about some specific activities that he either has asked you to do, or you all have done in the past, here’s what I would do. I would ignore those specific activities, but get really, really good, and become an incredible lover in these other activities that you do feel free in. And those other the ones that he originally was really interested in, they might just fade away. The other idea is that you might become more open to these other ones, as your mind starts to understand that they truly are in line with the sexual freedom that you are opening up to, as you grow. But first and foremost, tether yourself to Jesus, and be your husband, Savior, and then way he needs it. And be naked and unashamed, and come together. As Jesus said, It says it in so many ways. In the Bible, where it says, Therefore a man shall leave his foot father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. That is all about sex. It’s all about making love. So be your husband’s, as her ConnectOne that savior, kind of woman, and truly, give your husband incredible, incredible intoxication in intimacy. Let me pray for you. Father God, I ask in Jesus name, Lord, for the wife, that’s listening, Lord. God, this is not an easy thing to open up to, based on her past, based on maybe what has been done to her maybe just the lack of insight that anyone gave her growing up. Maybe she’s been ashamed or thought sex was gross and dirty all of her life, Father garden, and how can she flip the switch? Now after being married, maybe she has been married for decades, and she still hasn’t been able to flip that switch, and has felt like his desire has been sinful and wrong. I pray in Jesus name that you would just begin to open that up and change that Lord, in Jesus name God, you can do that. And most of all, Lord, I pray that every person listening, Lord, that we would love you with all with all our hearts, with all our souls with all our minds with all our strength that God
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Father, what does that look like practically in our lives? Not just because we listened to something that was interesting, this podcast but Lord, that they would truly that I would truly how do we practically live this? God help us that this life is but a vapor here today and gone tomorrow. Lord, how do we truly love you with all during the time the limited, very short time that we have on this earth? Thank you for everything you’ve given us every opportunity we have to love you. And I pray that you would grow our ability to love our husbands, to love our wives. Whomever is listening Lord, guard capacity, in Jesus name. Amen.
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Thank you so much for listening and joining me. I hope that you will be able to join me live at some June 2 730. Eastern Standard Time 7:30pm and sign up at www dot delight your marriage.com/the number seven B l o c ks. Again, that’s delight your marriage.com/seven blocks and the title of the webinar is the seven blocks to her libido. Remove these four generous intimacy in your marriage. God bless you. And I hope that I will speak to you more soon.
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Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion