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First and foremost, I’m so glad you’re planning for sex. Many people let this HIGH priority slip away from their marriage. And they wonder why their marriage turns into a disaster.

I am GRATEFUL if you are one who puts it on your calendar–it means you DO prioritize it!

So, I’m now encouraging you to go the next step and make it sexy. So often I hear from husbands that they make love the exact same way every single time they make love. And “it’s even on the calendar!”

Well, 1st- the good news is you’re making love (!!) and 2nd- ladies, we can plan sex (just not let him in on it!) 😉 Listen in for inspiring ideas on how and why to spice things up and how you can plan sex without making him feel like a To Do List item! Aka…plan it sexily!

How EXACTLY do other people even plan for sex? Planning for sex can look different for many people:

• You can plan for sex in other physical aspects

(If you’re too full from dinner, you might be too sleepy for sex!)

• You can plan for sex emotionally 

(are you emotionally prepared to plan sex?)

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But planning for sex with a “grin and bear it” mindset isn’t good. It would be awesome if you planned sex with a heart filled with joy and excitement. So how do you plan sex with THAT kind of mindset?

Well, here’s a story.

My husband surprised me with something special on our anniversary: a sunset cruise. 

He made sure that the house was clean, the kids had a babysitter, he had flowers everywhere. Well he got the idea from SOMEONE ELSE. Was I mad that he got the idea from someone else? Of course not.

That’s the same with you planning sex. Don’t feel like you’re not being truthful or being a phony when you plan sex. The important thing is the experience you’ll both be having, not HOW you got there. 

How open should you be to your husband when it comes to planning sex? It depends on where you are in your marriage, emotionally speaking. 

He craves you more when you feel good about having sex. But making love is also about you; your own joy and fulfillment. 

 

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transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah rose.

0:20
All righty, welcome. Welcome. This is belah. Rose. Thank you, thank you for joining. So, I wanted to talk about planning sex, sexily. Because I work with men, so often they’re afraid is, you know, belah it’s like we have sex the exact same way, the exact same time. And we even plan it, it is literally in our schedules. And I want to say, honestly, scheduling sex is a heck of a lot better than it not happening. And that’s often what I tell the husband. So, you know, point one, be grateful. But point two, I want to encourage you, dear wife, that, yes, planning may be your strength, that may be the way you make sure your life happens. And I so appreciate that. And encourage that. I think it’s wonderful to do that. Because clearly you’re prioritizing your sex life. If you’re making sure there’s a plan around it. There’s that quote, Those who fail to plan, plan to fail, right or another one is from Larry Winget. She’s a funny guy. But he says nobody planned to be fat, lazy and dumb. But that’s just what happened because they didn’t plan something like that. So the point is that, yes, planning is important. Don’t let your sex life escape your plan, you know, because a lot of times, we’ll just think that it’s not that big of a deal. So we won’t plan for it. And then it just won’t happen, because life will get in the way. With that in mind, I encourage you not to include your husband in the planning of the lovemaking. So yes, my dear wife, if sex is not like an immediate thing that’s on your mind all the time, and it’s going to be easy for you to just put the pieces in place, if that’s the way you thrive through a plan, definitely plan when you all are going to be making love. Don’t tell your husband about it. Just don’t. He wants a wife who’s spontaneously thinking about sex. Now, what does that mean, when I say you’re not telling your husband about am I telling him you to lie to your husband or be sneaky about it? I’m not, but I am saying that a heck of a lot of being sexy, is being mysterious, right? You don’t want him to know about a lot of things that happen on the inside of you around sex a lot, for example. And you don’t have issues with it, for example. So I’m going to give you some examples that you’re going to be saying in your head, obviously, I don’t want him to know about these things. But a lot of times we think more like we’re nervous about him being aware, or whether or not he should be aware of other processes in our mind. So for example, we would never want him to be aware of how we clean ourselves or if and the details about our cycles a lot of times or we wouldn’t want him to be aware of the ways in which we fit or don’t fit in certain clothing or you know, the way certain food the bloating and gases SNESs I mean, there’s just a lot of things that are like I absolutely, this is unsexy. And intuitively you know that and so you really wouldn’t want your husband to know those things. So with that in mind, I want you to put everything that you share with your husband under that kind of microscope.

4:36
of you know, is this sexy? Now, it doesn’t mean that I don’t want you to share your life with him. Absolutely. Help him. You want to invite all of those things into him. So if you have you know, medical stuff going on, don’t feel like this something you need to hide from him, necessarily but when you’re pursuing making love that’s not the time To be bringing up, Oh, I feel gassy. Like, oh, that’s not sexy. But yeah, in a non sexual context, yeah, absolutely. He’s the closest safest person in the world, you definitely should be speaking to him about all those things, you know, given that he’s the closest and safest person in the world, if he’s not, then that’s something we need to be working towards. But that’s the assumption here is that he is safe, and he is good to you. And those things are already in place. So yeah, so plan your sex life, but planet in a sexy way. So let’s say Tuesday at noon, maybe right, when you come home from work is a good time to make love, because let’s say, maybe you need like, half out half an hour for downtime, maybe you need to take a shower, maybe that’ll help you to kind of get the kids situated, give them hugs and kisses, put them in the, you know, the other room, put on a movie for them, so that you just have a good space to make love separate from them and the rest of your lives. But then also, what that does is it helps you to have plenty of energy, that you’re not, you know, coming with, you know, the very end of the day where you’re completely tired. And then you’re expecting yourself to like, have all this energy to seduce him with a sexual dance and all these things, because you’re just not going to be feeling it. And he can tell when you’re not feeling it. So I would encourage you to check in with yourself, when is going to be a good time for you to make love, when are you going to be into it. And you know yourself, you know your body and planned for that and physically planned for that. And when I say physically, I mean, make sure that you are eating well that day, because so often, we eat poorly. And then we’re in a spot where we physically don’t want to make love because of the way we’re feeling. Maybe we ate too much for dinner. And then after that we’re like physical intimacy seems like the farthest thing away from our minds. So I want to encourage you that this is totally worth you changing your eating habits to make sure that you’re prepared, and you’re excited about intimacy. At the same time, making sure that you’ve got physical activity as part of your regular life. And in any way shape or form, I want you to start doing that and actually making that a priority for you. So whether that’s starting out with 50 Jumping Jacks a day, I don’t care, get something started so that you are physically moving your body. And it doesn’t matter if you are overweight or underweight or the perfect weight or whatever, you need to start getting endorphins moving around your body. And that’s what happens when you physically exercise. And when you strength train, that’s actually pumping additional testosterone in your body, it’s making sure you have healthy levels of testosterone, which is also helping your libido. So planning for sex in other areas of your body is a key part of making sure you have a healthy desire for sex as well.

8:46
Right so you’re gonna make sure that you’re in a spot, energetically and physically where sex is good for you. And then also emotionally, so I don’t want you to be coming to sex with this idea of okay, I’ve got to grin and bear it. I’ve just got to deal with, you know, my husband’s desire. I want you to be coming to it with a place of joy. You know, your husband craves you to be engaged and want him and want to make love to him. He doesn’t want you to be coming to it with this attitude of, well let’s get this over with I’m doing this because I love you while rolling your eyes on the inside. He wants you to come with it to it with a place of joy and excitement and this is going to be fine and I I love making love to you because it makes me feel good too. And so I want you to be thinking about that that this is also for you. This making love is for your joy and your fulfillment and there are many areas of lovemaking that isn’t enjoyable for you. So I want to encourage you in that. Also, the other thing I want to say is one of the reasons you don’t want to tell him about your plan, quote unquote, is because that makes him feel like you’re on. He’s on your to do list. And that’s a very unsexy way to feel. He wants sex to be spontaneous for you, he wants you to think about it and go for it. And it’s just, it naturally crosses your mind. That’s what he wants. And I get that that’s not reality for a lot of women. A lot of women tell me, you know, not once has sex just randomly crossed her mind. She has never just thought, oh, man, I wish I could just roll in the hay. That’s not her idea. Have a fun afternoon. And that just hasn’t been who she is, quote, unquote. But that’s what your husband wants, he wants you to crave him physically. So if that’s not something that you’ve experienced before, that’s fine. That’s okay. You can still go in the way of planning, but it can appear spontaneous. And that doesn’t mean you’re not being honest with your husband. That’s absolutely. Think about your husband. Yeah, taking you on a wonderful date. You know, let’s say he makes sure that he plans everything, and all the details are set. For a, for a wonderful anniversary, I think I might have shared and in a podcast a while back. But my husband surprised me going on a sunset cruise. And he made sure that that house was clean. And the kids had a babysitter and had flowers and every room of the apartment. And it was just beautiful. It was a it was a wonderful, wonderful experience. Now he got the idea from someone else. Someone else that he worked with gave him the idea of the sunset cruise. Now was I mad that he didn’t come up with the idea himself? Or did I think that he was phony or any of those things? Not at all, I thought it was smart. I know that was awesome. Like, shoot, I think husbands should scour blogs to figure out what’s going to be most romantic for their wives. Because the idea is not how he got there, it’s to have the experience to give her that experience. That’s what’s the point. And that’s the same with the wife, it’s not about how you got to the experience, it’s about having the experience. So whatever you need to do to get yourself to have that experience with him, for him to enjoy the experience. That’s what I want you to do. So don’t feel like you’re not being truthful, because you’re not being completely open with him. And once again, if you’ve listened to my podcast, the truth about honesty, I would encourage you to listen to that because openness, and honesty are very different things. And I think there are varying levels of openness, you should be with your spouse, especially depending on what level of

13:31
health your marriages right now. So for example, just to be clear about that, if your marital health, I call it the spectrum of marital health, if you’re, let’s say at a level two out of 10, in terms of the emotional, maybe safety and connection, and unity that you guys have right now, if you’re at a level two, then I would say you should not be very open with your spouse, you should be inserting lots of positive inputs and investments into the marriage, lots and lots of positive, but you should have your expectations low of what to give, to receive back and you shouldn’t be opening your heart to a person that’s not safe to have your heart. Right. So that’s kind of the idea. But then when you are, let’s say, in the upper eight to nine range out of 10 in emotional intimacy, where you’re feeling super connected and super safe and your heart is held, and when your feelings matter, then your level of openness and your level of revealing and exposure of your heart and your feelings can be greater. So that’s something to be thinking about is how open should I be with my heart? Maybe then your expectations can be a little higher. Of I know my husband would respond in this way. But it when it’s low, when you’re when your actual emotional connection is low, you should have low expectations. And that’s actually going to protect your heart. So, so hopefully, that’s going to be helpful to someone out there who’s who’s in a place of hurting right now, and needs to protect their heart. Because when you keep your expectations low, in the short term, you know, then it’s ultimately going to make your marriage stronger as you invest in it. And then as your emotional intimacy and connection grows, then your expectations can grow. And you can feel more open and connected and cherished in your marriage. But in the short term, don’t be open about those things. Because that, that, you know, you shouldn’t have expectation of it being held and cherished and safe. If it hasn’t been that way. For a long time, or at all. Okay, so the next thing I wanted to talk about with planning sexily is about the Well, I wanted to talk more about the spontaneity. So that’s what your husband wants a spontaneous excitement around sex for you with you. But if that’s not what you’re feeling, you can learn how to bring that him that experience, regardless of your feelings around it. Like I said, you would want your husband to scour blogs around romantic ideas, so that he can give you that experience, it doesn’t matter how he comes to it, you want him to give you that experience in the same way. He wants to receive that experience, regardless of whether or not you think it’s you know, especially you know, people are concerned whether or not it’s a genuine feeling. And it’s like listening who who said it had to be this deep, deep seated, original feeling from you, you can get that feeling from some other place, and you just go with it. So let me give you a metaphor. Years ago, when I was in college, I remember a there is like an email chain back and forth between Christian leaders of a group of a Christian group on campus. And we were emailing back and forth about a prayer time that was planned for the Christian group on campus. And one of the guys didn’t want there to be any music. At the prayer time. I was trying to figure out why. And ultimately, it came out that it seemed like he thought that the prayer wasn’t genuine, if there was music there. And I was so confused, because I was like, well, music helps us to focus, it doesn’t mean that music is, is a bad thing. Because it, you know, is kind of a support to prayer, I guess. And that’s one aspect of music. But the other aspect is like music actually helps you to become more like, you know, God and you’re thinking more about him. It’s the beauty that God has created in music. God uses music to speak to people there’s all sorts of reasons to have music and worship. But you don’t need to like white knuckle fist your your prayer life and not have music with it because you think you’re taking the easy way out. And I think that’s the same thing. You don’t need to white knuckle your way to being turned on or having a good sex life. It’s like no, do the, just do something that’s gonna make you have an enjoyable time. So you, as a wife set up your life in a way that makes it enjoyable for you. So what is going to make sex more enjoyable for you plan those things out, have a bedroom that you’re going to enjoy coming into, to make love and have sheets that you’re going to enjoy when you make love in and you know, just have an environment and atmosphere have music for making love. So those are really important and good things. The other thing is as a wife, when or if, but when you do have a desire for lovemaking, go with it. Right then. Don’t let that moment fade away. Like go with it right then when you’re like, oh, yeah, making love, okay. Like go with it. Okay, great. Let’s do it. So, when you have that moment of thinking about it, text your husband and be like, Hey, let’s have a romp in the hay or however, you know, save something fun to him or I can’t wait to see you tonight with a winky face. or, you know, you could say, I’m looking forward to, to having having fun. When I get home, hope you have the kids ready in a movie in the other room or, you know, you could just just make it clear that this is the time in place that we’re going to be making love. So he is prepared, and you don’t have to then have a overt words of like, Would you like, you know, do you want to make love still or those kinds of words where it’s very non exciting around making love? So yeah, just go for it right then. Make a plan, right? When the thought comes to mind, oh, we should make love or I want to make love or any of those things. Go with action. So if you can’t literally do it right, then send a text message, break the ice, make action start the movement towards that happening. Awesome. Well, I hope this has been encouraging of you. And I hope you make love tonight. Today. Get a plan together. Don’t share it with your husband in a practical way but in a sexy way, a seductive way. Let him know that that is what you want to have happen today. All right. God bless. I’ll talk to you soon.

21:28
Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion.