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Does sex feel like a duty? 

•  When he asks to make love, I believe that he’s actually doing a really brave thing. He could be afraid of rejection and is actually insecure about it. 
• What if you have the opportunity to bring out your husband’s generosity by being compassionate about his sexuality?

As a side: Dear husbands, If you want your wife to work with me, I encourage you to take the first step in transforming your marriage. By doing this, she’ll be receptive to transforming herself as well. 

Wives, I want you to know that if your opinion of sex is that it’s a chore or a duty, it’s probably hurting your spouse’s feelings. AND sex has to start with having an open heart and a good perspective. Otherwise it doesn’t feel like making love, it feels like you value it as much as washing the dishes.

What if you can go to a place of:

• Joy, fun and excitement
• To the point that you physically crave sex

I want you to get there. Listen in for encouragement and new perspectives and tools to make love rather than do your duty.

 If you want to work with me to have the heart and a body (!) that craves sex, go to www.dym.as.me . You’ll have 40 minutes of my undivided attention for FREE (a $500 value) so we can talk about your marriage. 

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah rose.

0:19
Ivey there Welcome, welcome. This is belah rose, thank you for joining me, I want to speak to the wives and really focusing on an issue that I hear over and over and over again, when I speak and work with husbands. One of the big things that they tell me about is that their wives treat sex like a duty, or chore. So, essentially, if I could speak to their wives, and sometimes actually, it’s really cool, I’ll work with the husbands and after working with the husband, like kind of catch up with the wives and say, How do you think it went? Like, what was your opinion of this, you know, the season that I worked with the husband, and, and then I have the opportunity, then start working with the wife, because it’s such a great connection afterwards. So it’s, it works out really, really well. So let that be listened to you has been if you want your wife to work with me, I encourage you to take the first step of you changing by working with me. And then by God’s grace, she’ll decide that, you know, she can be receptive to transforming herself as well. But let me just tell you what I wish I could say to the wives that may not be at a spot where they are receptive to, like I said, more one on one attention. So let me say this, this is kind of a, what do they call those open letters to the wives that feel like sex is a chore? I want you to know that your husband is a very sweet man. And you might roll your eyes and be like, No, he’s not. There’s all sorts of men in this world, I’ll tell you. But the coolest thing is, I get to be on the inside of the way they think week after week, we talk about what’s really going on in their hearts, how they’re feeling. They send me their accountability forums and how things went that week. And you know, and so often they’re, they just are so affected by their why’s her words, her actions, what she did or didn’t do. And as wives we seem to think that, Oh, he’s a man, he doesn’t have strong feelings. Well, the truth is, he may never show you those feelings. Because in our society or culture, the only feelings a man is supposed to show is anger. That’s, that’s really the only acceptable sorry, that’s what I need to say. The only acceptable feeling that he can show is anger. So it takes a very brave man to be able to show anything else. The other thing is there’s something called HSP highly sensitive person. Now, this essentially means that you have extra sensitivities that other people really don’t have, they don’t experience life the same way that you do. So let me just list them off to you. As examples. There are more and you don’t have to be all of these. But you could even just be some, and you’d still be considered highly sensitive. But here are some questions just to be thinking about number one, are you easily overwhelmed by such things as bright lights strong smells coarse fabrics or sirens nearby? Number two, do you get rattled when you have a lot to do in a short amount of time? Number three, do you make a point of avoiding violent movies or TV shows? Number four? Do you need to withdraw during busy days into bed or a darkened room? Or some other place where you can have privacy and relief from the situation? Number five, do you make it a high priority to arrange your life to avoid upsetting or overwhelming situations? Number six, do you notice or enjoy delicate or fine scents, tastes? Sounds or works of art?

4:15
Number seven Do you have rich and complex inner life? Number eight when you were a child did your parents or teachers see you as sensitive or shy? A few more things that I I was reading off the list just now but there’s some other other things that other research talks about of like maybe your your pain threshold is low. Another one is conflict is really really difficult to you. Another one is any kind of criticism is like a dagger to your heart. I mean, these are the kinds of things that highly sensitive people go through. And this can be men or women. And I think it’s really important for you to recognize in yourself if you’re highly sensitive and I think it’s also really important for you to recognize if it’s your wife, and 20% of the population are highly sensitive, I, myself am a highly sensitive person. And it really helps me to recognize that I might be really affected by a certain situation, whereas the other person in the situation, they just aren’t. And it’s not because they have a better grasp of reality than I do. Or, you know, they’re stronger, in any way, shape, or form. What it is, is that I’m more sensitive. And that’s actually a good thing. Because I can pick up on subtleties. If you’re highly sensitive, there’s an intuition that also goes along with it, there’s often you can sense tension in a room, you can sense the ways people are feeling about things, a lot of times, highly sensitive people might go into the helping professions, because once again, they have the sensitivity, the empathy, the ability to get in the other person’s shoes and kind of perceive how they’re feeling uncertain ways. There’s, there’s lots of really good things about highly sensitive people. Maybe it’s creativity, and romantic romanticism, no, I guess you just call it being romantic. I mean, these are kinds of things that are really important to recognize, maybe your husband is highly sensitive, maybe that’s the reason he is especially romantic, or it really affects him when you reject him sexually. He may just be wired in this way. And it’s a godly, manly, masculine trait. I mean, Jesus was moved by compassion. And that’s why he did miracles over and over again. You know, there’s this beautiful passage. I think it’s an Luke. Let’s see if I can find it real quick. Yeah, it’s Luke, starting with verse 11. Soon afterwards, he went to a town called me and his disciples and a great crowd went with him. As he drew nearer to the gate of the town, behold, a man who had died, was being carried out, the only son of his mother, and she was a widow. And a considerable crowd from the town was with her. And when the Lord saw her, he had compassion on her. And he said to her, Do not weep. Then he came up and touch the bearer, and the bearer stood still. And he said, Young man, I say to you arise, and the dead man sat up, and began to speak. And Jesus gave him to his mother. Fear sees them all, and they glorified God, saying, A great prophet has risen among us. And God has visited his people. And this report about Him spread through the whole of Judea in all the surrounding country. You know, I think that’s so powerful, because God was glorified. Right? Because ultimately, this man was raised from the dead, which was incredible to everyone. And fear sees them all, and they recognize Jesus was the Christ. It’s incredible, incredible. That the reason Jesus did it was because he saw a woman crying, and he had compassion on her. He had compassion on her. So I want you to know that Jesus was sensitive. I mean, he was the man in every way, shape and form. He was the manliest of men. He was a carpenter in the days where there were no cranes, and yet they built houses. I mean, there were no forklifts, and yet you had to still, you know, no bulldozers, and yet you still had to build foundations of buildings. Right? He was a carpenter. He was a strong manly man. And yet his compassion and his sensitivity for the hearts of others were dramatic. He had that sensitivity as well. So he was everything. Right, but I want a wife listening that your husband.

9:18
I mean, I, I find over and over and over again, even for the men that are not highly sensitive in my programs that I work with. They get hurt when their wives rejected, they’re hurt when their wives refuse to touch their member. They’re hurt when their wives are unengaged, or their wives act like this is a chore. Or I have to do this again. It hurts their feelings. He is not the jerk from the R rated movie that takes a woman in a you know, it was kind of oppressive to her. He’s not the jerk in our society that doesn’t respect women. He’s your loving husband, who’s insecure. Assume that your husband is insecure. He doesn’t want you to know using secure. But when you start to assume he’s insecure, it gives you a bigger, I think Grace and better Grace about interacting with his sexuality. He’s not this impenetrable being, if you assume he’s insecure, then you can be more generous with him, you can surmount your own insecurities, because he’s also insecure. Every time he asks to make love or intimates, that’s what he’s trying to do or moves towards you or any of those things. He’s insecure about it, because he’s showing you his heart. He wants to feel loved through sex. That’s what he’s doing. He’s not doing it because he wants you to feel used. He’s not, he’s doing it, because this is something that’s really special for him. It’s really powerful. It makes them feel loved, it makes him feel happy about life, makes them feel like a man. That’s what he wants, he wants to be more about the work of the Kingdom. But if he’s constantly flooded with temptation, he’s not able to focus I hear that from men a lot. Like, they talk about the consuming thoughts about sex in their mind, that they’re not able to do their job well, or their stress levels are high, or these kinds of things, because they’re wise, or just either they’re not making love at all, or when they do make love, it’s very, half hearted and almost like, full of guilt for the husband, because it feels like she’s making her do something she doesn’t want to do. So I want to just point out that she’s insecure. And I also because husbands listen to this podcast is important for you to know, she’s insecure, too. And when she doesn’t approach you for sex in a confident way, when she says in a very casual way, so are we going to make love tonight, or you know, almost in a mean way even? Like, so you want to make love or you still want to make love tonight are, you know, those kinds of things? Are you she calls it things like sex and, you know, for it just makes it feel so detached from her actually wanting it. You know, those things may hurt your feelings. But I also want you to know that a lot of times women do that because they’re insecure, and they’re scared, like, what if they do something wrong? Or what if they don’t know how to seduce you in a way that you’re actually going to like, or maybe the reason they don’t touch you intimately around your member and through your clothes throughout the day, or all those kinds of things? Is because she’s insecure, she doesn’t know if it’s okay, she doesn’t know if you’re gonna like it. And half the time you don’t comment about after she does something that you really like. So how is she ever going to know that you liked it? So yeah, so once again, for women to understand. You may feel like sex is a chore, sex is a duty. But I want you to know that it affects your husband. It affects him that that’s your opinion of sex. That hurts his feelings. He’s sensitive. You know, even if he’s not highly sensitive, like I just described, how it matters to him hurts. That hurts when he doesn’t want to do that when you don’t want to do those things. And maybe he’s to a level of resentments. But it started out just as plain old, hurt, disappointment. Maybe the resentment has come through the years and the bitterness that’s occurred. But

14:03
yeah, so I want to encourage you, there’s much more to sex than just saying, Okay, well, now I want to love my husband. So now I’m going to do it with more open hearts. And I have a better perspective on it, of it. That’s good. And that’s great. And that’s where I want you to start now. So that’s the beginning place. That’s not the ending place. But that’s the beginning. So yes, start to pursue sex, start to pursue unearthing your own insecurities, or your own obstacles that are holding you back from really having the freedom, the frequency and the variety and sex that your husband craves. Start doing that now. Maybe for his sake because you want him to feel loved. Don’t stop there. Because after that you can get to a place of pleasure and joy and fun and excitement and a physical craving for sex. But yes, start With at least the idea that this is going to be a really important thing for his heart, and to make him feel loved and able to pursue what God wants him to pursue in this life, even if right now it’s just to do his job. Well, maybe right now, it’s not that he is like a pastor, some great, you know, preacher that needs to be, you know, filled up so he can do the ministry. But listen, wherever he is right now, spiritually, when he has his sexual desires met and overflowing, he is then has the mental capacity and the emotional capacity to then get to the next level with God. Because right now, his mind very well may be consumed with, okay, when are we going to make love I mean, literally, men have told me that they go into panic mode, even right after they make love to their wives, they go into panic mode, because they’re not sure when it’s going to happen again. You and me as wives are probably like, That is ridiculous. Get your mind out of just sex. But that’s not the way God nature husband. He has about 11 erections every day, he wakes up with one every single morning, it is natural, it’s the way God made him, it’s a good thing. And he embraces you in all your particularities as a woman, if he doesn’t, he will, as you are continuing to share and give generously and sexual fulfillment. But he should be embracing you in all the ways as a woman, and you want to embrace Him in all the ways that he is as a man. So I invite you to not judge him for the ways that God made him sexually. And instead, embrace that and seek how you can fulfill that. So then he can go then to the next level, in his relationship with God, so that he can go to the next level. So that’s not an IT something in the way standing in the way. In fact, it will attract him, it will invite him it will draw him closer to Jesus, because of your generosity because of your love. That’s what you want him to feel incredible, incredible love in your marriage. And that will have drawn closer to God. It will. Awesome. Okay, well, thank you so much for listening. And I look forward to our conversation next week. If you are looking to see how you can work with me, to really move yourself into a place of actually not just having the heart, but the the body that crave sex, as as well as the competence, the understandings underneath what to actually do practically go to www.dym.as.me, we’ll get on a free call where I will chat with you about your story, 40 minutes of my undivided attention, which is about a $500 value, actually. And we’ll get to deciding if this might be the right fit to actually move you into the direction. You want to go and get you there. So by God’s grace, let me go ahead and pray for us and let you go. Lord, thank you so much for the wife on the other end of this line, Father, whatever she needed to hear from us, whatever nugget whatever truth, you wanted her to pick up God, I pray, that’s what she would do this this day. Lord, I ask Father for changed hearts. Lord, God change her heart. Lord, I asked for the heart of stone. And honestly,

18:29
the scarred heart, the heart that has been scarred and hurt on her own side, that he hurt her. In this area, God and I asked for healing. I asked for tenderness again. And I don’t mean tenderness so that he can hurt her again, but tenderness so that she can understand where he’s coming from. And yeah, maybe he responded and reacted to his pain in the absolute wrong way, which hurt her and caused this discord between them that hasn’t been healed even for maybe decades. But God I pray in Jesus name that today would give her a slice of insight that would show her there’s so much more. And there’s more that she may need to be humble and recognize her errors and things she didn’t know. It might just be She was raised in a place of ignorance, and no one talked about it and no one gave her insight and so she assumed that the oppression of women all over our culture and maybe that she’s experienced and trauma and all these things, and she put that on her husband and so they came to his marriage unhealthily and hurting each other. But I pray God, this would be a moment of healing at a moment of growth in a moment of opening her eyes and and given her wisdom to know next steps I pray in Jesus name. Thank you Awesome. I’ll talk to you next week. Thank you so much for joining.

20:05
Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion