Podcast: Play in new window | Download
I’m so excited to chat with Ruth Buezis (author of Awaken Love) about how to transform your sex life into something much deeper. Ruth started out her journey by talking about sex to 8 of her closest friends! Word spread and she’s now sharing her journey to hundreds of women who used to be in the same boat as she was. You can learn more about Ruth Buezis at her website (here). Have a look at her book here.
We talk about Christian couples and the usual questions we get from them:
-How do I help my wife orgasm?
-How do I orgasm during intercourse (from wives)?
-How long should I last (from husbands)?
-What EXACTLY should I do (from both!)?
And as Ruth says, men can get so caught up in the mechanics — but there is so much more to sex than just mechanics!
What are the things that husbands and wives can do DURING and AFTER intercourse instead of feeling pressured and worried?
There are actually SO MANY things couples can do to help remove the pressure!
Whether or not there’s orgasm during intercourse, there are lots of things that CAN be done so it’s always mutually enjoyable during intercourse.
Other things we talk about:
– What if a husband finishes earlier?
– What about gentlemen who last way longer than the women?
– What makes sex better for HER?
– How God wants us to be excited about sex with our spouses
Also, if you’d like a free 1:1 Clarity Call with Belah — a $500 value — she is offering that free to her audience. Here you will get insights into what’s blocking you from incredible intimacy in your marriage. Sign up for a time to speak to Belah at www.delightyourmarriage.com/call
transcript
0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host belah. Rose.
0:21
Hi there and welcome. This is belah rose, thank you so much for joining me. If you would like to have a clarity call with me that is 40 minutes of one on one undivided attention from myself to really help you move through what your obstacles are and understand what your next steps might be to bring your marriage from possibly disaster to passion and love enjoy together, I’d love for you to go to www dot delight your marriage.com/call. And that’s a free call worth $500 That you and I can have together. Do that as soon as you can. Awesome. Okay, so today on the show today I have Ruth uses. And she’s going to be talking about how to make intercourse more pleasurable for your wife. So a wife or husband should listen to this. I think it gives a lot of insight and help. And this is part one. Part two is also really fantastic. So let’s dive in
1:36
All right, welcome back to let your marriage listener I am so excited that you are joining me today. And I’m really stoked because I have this wonderful woman sitting in front of me on my visual video camera. That’s right across the country. Ruth with those who is here again, to grace us with such great wisdom and knowledge and lived out wisdom that she’s walked alongside many others in this journey to really awakening love in marriages. So welcome, Ruth,
2:11
thank you for having me. This is this is super fun. I have I think if I like to talk about anything, it’s about talking about sex.
2:22
You come to the right place. Yes. Awesome, awesome. Well, like I said, we’ve talked a few times before, and this is just a really good, you know, safe space to really dive in, and, and really invite God to open up our hearts and minds and spirits to what he wants to do. So yeah, maybe I’ll just do a quick prayer. And we’ll be awesome. Deeper. Yeah. So Father, we invite you and we ask God that you would be in this conversation, we ask you for your wisdom, your insight, God, even brand new things that neither Ruth or I have ever thought of before God that you would bring that to the surface. Lord, I pray for every woman or husband listening God that that would be deep, deep impacts in marriages that would go to their kids and generations and their ministries and do what you want to do in this conversation. Jesus name. Amen. Amen. All righty. Well, I know that we chatted a little bit about well, before I go into that, Ruth, I want to just share your book with everyone awaken love, which is very recent. In 2019. Yeah, September 2018 2018. Amazing. So yeah, late, late 2018. So I’ll just read from kind of the back of your introduction is Ruth besos, founded awaken loved taught her first sex class to eight close friends, which is super brave.
3:51
Crazy. You know,
3:52
like, I feel like I talked to strangers about sex. But my close friends that was very brave. In 2012, after experiencing transformation, or own marriage, from that small beginning word spread by word of mouth to impact marriages around the world. Ruth continues to teach, but also spends time writing, speaking and developing curriculum around sexuality. She’s been married to Jim for over 30 years and has four amazing grown daughters. Very cool. Anything you want to add to that kind of introduction of who you are, what you’re about,
4:25
um, you know, I’ve been teaching classes for seven years now. And I’ve probably taught over 800 Women in person. Oh my gosh, and it has both been hard. And it’s been an amazing journey of watching God work. And seeing the transformation and women that can take place in six short weeks when you hear God’s truth and you just have a community to be able to share with and so I don’t really have any formal training. I’m really just an ordinary woman that felt compelled and called to share What God has shown me and and so I don’t have all the answers. But but I’m, I know that God is showing me things still.
5:10
Yeah, yeah. And I feel like a lot of it is trusting that that conviction that passion, you know that God’s gonna give us that first step and then he’s just going to continue to incite and give what he needs to give for his work to be accomplished. Right, right. Ah, good, good, good, good. Okay. Well, I know what we wanted to kind of dig into is the crosses you actually have for men or have had? How is, you know, teaching them essentially making intercourse more enjoyable for their wives. That’s something you’ve talked through with them before.
5:47
Yeah. And we talk, we talk about that a lot with both the wives and with the men. You know, there’s such a, this huge spread of ideas about that. I remember talking to a friend and her saying, Well, do you mean that women can orgasm during intercourse? And then I remember talking to another friend and her saying, You mean, not all women orgasm. And, um, and it is one of the most asked questions people want to know, like, how do I help my wife to orgasm during intercourse? Or as a woman? You know, how do I orgasm during intercourse? Yeah, I think that whether or not we orgasm during intercourse, I think there are a lot of things that we can learn to makes sex mutually enjoyable during intercourse, whether or not there isn’t an orgasm. Yeah, I think the men can get so caught up in the mechanics.
6:43
Mm hmm. Yeah,
6:44
I just last long enough. Or if I just move this way? Or if I just I don’t know, it’s all about mechanics. And there’s so much more to sex and to intercourse than mechanics. Yeah, so true. So one of the most important concepts I think, that I teach is, I call it coming up with a plan B, which is just this idea of, you know, just because the wife, the husband has finished, doesn’t mean that you can’t keep going so that the wife can enjoy sex, too. Mm hmm. And, and what happens when you don’t have this plan B is that if he finishes, she doesn’t always and she’s laying there feeling like a failure or feeling frustrated, and he’s laying there thinking, I failed again. Yeah. And so what that plan B does is it helps both of them to enjoy what happens during intercourse, and to take off the pressure so they can actually enjoy the connection, rather than laying there worrying during intercourse. Just don’t feel too much. So you’ll last longer, right? Checking out like guys talk about, they’ll count backwards. Think about their grandmother, and they’re just like this connecting during sex. The wives are probably doing a similar thing as far as just worrying, am I going to finish this time? And so it’s and you set up this negative expectation and this negative pattern? Where you were you setting yourself up for failure? Really? Yeah. And so if couples can talk about sex enough to actually have this conversation, then it takes the pressure off. Now, that’s not an easy thing, right? Because some men might not even know that their wives aren’t finishing. If she’s gonna get excited and involved enough, like he might think that she has finished, you might not even realize or maybe doesn’t want to hear it? Yeah. Um, so it’s a really hard conversation. But I think it’s important conversation that comes out of honesty and vulnerability, and being fully known to each other. And so it might be that a wife says, you know, I don’t know if you realize this or not. And I probably should have been more honest. But I don’t always finish during intercourse. And it can sometimes be frustrating. And can somebody times be hard? And is there a way that I could finish afterwards, even if you’ve finished? And I and I tell I coach the guys I’m like, You know what, basically, after you finish during intercourse, just ask your wife every single time. Can we keep going with this expectation of like, I love this. Can we keep going? And that might mean maybe she wants another orgasm? Maybe? Yeah. Maybe he hasn’t finished yet. But he’s willing to say you know, what, can we keep going? And then she has the option. She can either say no, like, that was amazing. It was Yeah. And that might mean she had an orgasm or might mean you know what? I feel so connected. Did you I’m so good.
10:01
Yeah. Or that’s definitely what women want. Sometimes they just want that sex gives. Whether it’s an orgasm or not. Yeah,
10:09
absolutely. Like she gets decide or she might say, yeah, like, can we keep going?
10:14
Yeah. And like you said, more than one orgasm. I think that’s something that women, many don’t even realize that they have the potential for more than one like, yes. Great. You had one, keep going have another one and another one and another one. But you’re right. It’s so vulnerable for a wife to be like, I know, you did finish. But I, I’m still interested here. Like, what? Why are we?
10:36
Why are we stopping? Right? Well, and pretty soon she starts expecting during intercourse, I don’t know, she just has these negative expectations. And we need to set ourselves up for positive expectations of enjoying it no matter what. Knowing that our husband will take care of us afterwards. So we don’t have to end up frustrated. Mm hmm. And we have to own that too, right? Because we can shut ourselves down in a second of Gosh, darn it, I didn’t finish this time. And we just shut our body down and do everything and we still won’t get there. So we’ve got to wrap our mind around that of okay, is intercourse, the only way to connect in a finish and have an orgasm? Are? Can I accept that there are other ways and I don’t always have to come first. Sometimes he can come first. We need to be okay with that.
11:26
Yeah. What do you think people’s blocks are? In terms of creativity? Separate from just orgasm?
11:35
Um, wow, the place I was gonna go to is, I mean, I think that we create a hierarchy of what’s the especially as Christians the right way to have sex. Yeah. Right. The right way to have sex is what we saved until marriage, or we tried to save into marriage. So that’s, that’s intercourse, right? That’s the right way to have sex. That’s the right way to have an orgasm. And then, and then things follow after that, right? Well, you can have an orgasm during intercourse with maybe some extra help a vibrator or your hands? Well, that’s the next best way. And then, like, it just goes down the line. Yeah. And we think that one is better than the other. And yet, when you look at the Bible, when you look at Song of Songs, you know, my hierarchy set up in the Bible. Yeah. And so I don’t know, it’s very ingrained in culture, not just in the Christian culture, but in secular culture. Yeah. And I think that sex is largely been defined by what works for men, like if you look at what sex is portrayed in TVs, or in the movies, right? It’s the kind of intercourse that works for a man. Right? No, absolutely. thrusting it out, which for most women, it doesn’t do anything for us. And so we have this idea in our mind of what sex is supposed to look like. And then when that does nothing for us, it just makes us feel completely broken.
13:06
Hmm. Yeah, I really love that you said this hierarchy of sex as of like, sexual experiences, because it kind of says that, you know, the man’s pleasure, what’s going to ultimately make him have an orgasm is at the top? And what the wife might ultimately get an orgasm, maybe that’s four or five number down? And right, what’s what’s the best sexual experience? Right? What is ultimately making love, you know, and for me, you know, I think it’s most valuable to call basically, any, any intimate act that you wouldn’t be okay with your spouse doing with anyone else should be called making love. I was.
13:49
And really deep down, I think women can feel that some of the other acts are more intimate, then I’m going to have one woman, she’s like, when my son and I were in disagreement, I could have intercourse with him. Yeah. But if we have a disagreement, there was no way that he was going to let it serve me with oral sex or love Me with oral sex. Like, I could not let him go there because that was too intimate and too vulnerable. And so like, there are some acts of sex that can feel much more intimate than intercourse. Yeah. And I’m actually I feel like a lot of times we have intercourse in ways that are not very intimate. Like they’re not very connecting. Right? The demand goes about his, his motion and his mechanics to get to the finish line, but, but a lot of times, we’re on two separate worlds. You know, he’s thinking of trying to last longer or he’s thinking of what he’s seen and, and we’re trying to zone out so it doesn’t, it’s not too painful. Or maybe we’re taking ourselves to a deserted beach to try to make it more exciting but but like it’s just the world emotion, we don’t really connect during intercourse, I mean, you can get underneath the covers and never even see each other and having intercourse. Right. And so there are some sexual acts that that could just right from the get go feel more intimate. But I think that we can make intercourse more intimate and connecting to and and that’s some of the challenging some of the things that that I try to teach is is okay, let’s not just hop through it how to have an orgasm during intercourse, let’s figure out how to have intercourse in a way that is intimate and connecting.
15:36
So what do you think about, you know, times that, for example, a wife might feel, you know, some of the things that we’re talking about that she doesn’t necessarily feel that connected or intimate. But what about him feeling super connected and intimate? Now? Is there a hierarchy of who gets the better intimate feelings? Does that make sense?
15:59
I think you can. I think you can change intercourse so that it feels intimate and connecting for both. And sometimes I think that we have things to teach men that they wouldn’t discover on their own. Like, if we just let them go about how they have sex, I think they miss out on some of what God has for us. Because they don’t learn how to slow down. They don’t know how to, like speak words back and forth to their wife, they don’t know how to, I don’t actually feel and sit still with each other rather than just like, let’s create friction to get get to the finish line. Is this frantic? Let’s get to the finish line. And so I think there are things that as a man learns to have intercourse in a way that is connected to his wife. It opens up his world in a new way. Right? That’s part of the importance of mutuality and sex is it’s not just so that she gets hers to it’s because she has things to teach him. And he has things to teach her.
17:05
So what do you think the major things are that, you know, she needs to learn from him from his sexuality?
17:12
I need to learn how to be more spontaneous. I mean, we’re like, No, I gotta get to have house clean and laundry done. And like, everything’s got to be an order. And we need to be able to just step into the moment and being genius. I think we need to learn how to enjoy our eyes more like our husbands do to watch our bodies coming together and, and experience that that as amazement of God’s creation, and, and to let that create arousal and cite the excitement in us. Um, yeah, yeah, that’s a couple of
17:51
quid. Yeah, yeah. Your book is full of other ones. Um, so Okay, so we kind of have talked so far, assuming that the husband goes quickly, right? And 75% of men are quicker ones. What about the men that are really at a spot where they’re going much longer than their wife is? And their wife is like, Okay, I’m, I’m ready. What can what kind of insights can you give those gentlemen?
18:20
Yeah, um, you know, it’s interesting sexual dysfunction, whether it’s for the woman or for the man. A lot of times is caused by anxiety and worry. So the more a wife worries about whether she’s having an orgasm, the harder it is to have one, the more man worries about Will I last long enough, the quicker he comes, the more a man worries about, am I going to laugh? Am I going to be able to have an orgasm and ejaculation and finish during intercourse? Yeah, the harder it is for him to finish. Now, there are also external factors, right? I mean, if a man has viewed a lot of pornography, or used his hands a lot masturbating, then certainly his body has gotten used to that. And, and it might be important to leave that behind in order to let his body react linemate to the stimulation that he receives during intercourse. And that’s, that’s not something that we always talk about, but I think it’s becoming more and more of a factor and I think it’s important to mention that but for the man where it may be, it’s just anxiety or maybe age, right I mean, younger men are older men, their bodies slow down, they’re not as reactive as they used to be. And and they might even need some foreplay in order to get an erection. There’s nothing wrong with that. There’s nothing wrong with a man receiving foreplay. And, and, and I think he needs to get used to his body. I think if he starts worrying about it, it’s going to make it worse, so he needs to break just bring himself Back to be present, enjoy the moment, instead of worrying about it needs to get out of his head. He can also do exercises as far as Kegel exercises to help circulation in that area. Regular sex on a on a regular basis certainly helps. All of those things help.
20:17
Yeah. Yeah. Wonderful. Okay, so when you so when we’re kind of Yeah, circling back to what does make intercourse better for her, like, you know, a lot of husbands they really want their wives to enjoy. They really do want sex to be good for her, I think we’ve talked about some of the negative was what are some of the positive things they can start to bring into their marriage bed, so that it is enjoyable, right?
20:44
So a couple of things. One, one of the women in my class, she said, The best advice anybody gave me when I got married was just, like, get on top of them and sit still. Like, really to like, because, okay, here’s a couple of reasons why, like, first for him to, for her to just feel him inside of her. Okay. But the other reason is, like, imagine you have this horse that is like ready to go, it’s all reared up, right? And you just immediately start moving, and he’s getting closer, like, he’s just gonna run back to the barn. And so you need to let him just kind of settle into this space of just feeling you and being okay and settled.
21:29
So this is with the dynamic, assuming that he’s one that would otherwise probably do. Right, right. Or at least very quickly. So you’re saying that instead, they just kind of unify they just come inside of each other and stay put? And just
21:45
yeah, just just for the whole time, right but for a period eye contact
21:53
I went the other side I thought I thought that was it. That’s just that’s what I thought sex was
22:02
to get inside of each other, just sit there across from each other and look at each other
22:06
and you get pregnant that’s all it takes. I mean to just
22:09
like, just acclimate and feel each other right and then um, for her to take the lead as far as movement and for him to try to match that movement or be with her in that movement rather than anything off
22:32
amazing, so I can’t wait to share part two with you next week. And once again, if you are interested in having that call with me once again a $500 value. Go to www dot delight your marriage.com/call Looking forward to chatting next week. God bless.
22:54
Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion