Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Wives:
As a wife who was bewildered by desire and feeling grossed out by it, I get it!
But more than that… my hangups included, it’s dirty, wrong, sinful, perverted, from the pornos, etc etc etc.
But he kept caring about this. And he wasn’t the only one. And now I hear from husbands all the time about how important this is to them.
And these guys aren’t jerks, pigs, or abusers.
They’re God-honoring gentlemen, who love their wives, they’re good fathers and they want to enjoy their lives and their marriage and LOVE HER THE WAY SHE FEELS LOVED TOO!
—
Husbands:
On this episode I have some practical (VERY ehemmm practical) tips for you. This can be something for you guys in your marriage even if you’ve been married many years!
If you’re tempted to ask your wife to listen to this… consider for a bit. Will it make her feel forced?
Instead, I want to invite you to my live, free webinar series coming up!
This is an awesome opportunity to get your wife introduced to my work.
It’ll have intimacy sprinkled in but it won’t be as focused (and possibly alarming to someone not really on board with my concepts).
But you’ll want to attend the webinar too because it’ll have golden nuggets for you two! What can YOU do to encourage your wife in this?
ReNewed Connection: Deeper, Loving Relationship & TRUE Intimacy!
—
The other free resource I mentioned is The 7 Blocks to Her Libido resource!
Looking forward to having you at the Webinar Series. (Also, if you are seeing this in the future, you can go to the same link and gain some kind of helpful material!) ReNewed Connection: Deeper, Loving Relationship & TRUE Intimacy!
transcript
0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage. Hey, there, welcome, welcome. This is belah. Rose, I, first of all would like to apologize for my voice. I have a really great show for you, I am excited about this topic. This is something that is on a lot of people’s minds when I coach them because of my book because of the content of my podcasts. And they really want to know they want help with this. And so what I want to talk about is oral sex, why he cares so much, and why she’s uncomfortable. Before I jump into that, I want to invite you on a free webinar series, and this is actually going to be live. Now if you’re listening in the future, it’s possible that there will be this material available, and will be at the same link. So go to www dot delight your marriage.com/renew. And this webinar series is really an opportunity for spouses to introduce each other to the content, and to reconnect and rekindle here in the beginning of the year. Or again, if you’re listening in the future, at any time. So you go to www dot delight your marriage.com/new. And it’s all about renew your connection, deep loving relationship and true intimacy. So in that webinar series, I’m going to be talking about what true intimacy means. And how can you guys reconnect based on principles of of the most important things that men need and the most important things a women need. And what I aim to do with this webinar series is to give you kind of a very easily digestible version of a lot of the stuff we talked about in this podcast. It’s really to help maybe your wife have a bit less reservations around my work for her to understand that I understand her that I am a normal wife, I’m not a nymphomaniac by any means. But I have understandings that that will actually help her feel more loved in her marriage. And that’s what this is going to be about. So it’s going to be for couples, there will be a segment that I’m only going to talk to wives, and there’ll be another segment in another webinar, where it’ll just be for husband. So I really would love for you to be on this live. Because that is, I think, the most powerful opportunity for you. So sign up as soon as you can. But no matter what, if you sign up in the future, you’ll be able to get the content and I think it’s going to be extremely worthwhile. Fantastic. So why does he care so much about oral sex? Well, here’s the thing. Men have a, well, they have something special between their legs. It is basically what defines them as men, it is something that is so powerful to them, it’s so important to their self esteem, that we as women can’t really understand it, we can understand why that would matter. So much. You know, there’s so many other things in the world to care about. But if you have sons, which I’m lucky enough to have two boys, you know that he will, these little boys, it’s such an important part of them. They they just find different ways to get so excited about it. And, you know, we as parents, that’s, that’s private, you can go do that in private, please. But essentially, it’s a it’s a fascinating part of anatomy, and it’s always sensitive. And there’s always I mean, just it’s extremely interesting thing, but But it’s but it’s them. And so it’s who they are. And as a wife why oral sex matters so much is because you’re proving to him that you don’t think he’s gross, that you don’t think he’s too small that you don’t think he’s too big that you don’t that you think it’s wonderful that you love it
5:00
You don’t think he’s dirty or, or that this is disgusting to you. These are fears that your husband has, again with the size thing or society says that a certain size has to be the right. You know, it has to be a certain size. But let me tell you something. And this is actually really good for all husbands to hear, and maybe wives too. But definitely husbands have worked with a lot of people. Now, by God’s grace, somebody told me that I say, by God’s grace too much, so. I’m sorry. I’ll try to limit that. But anyway, I’ve worked with a lot of people, by now, and I have literally never heard any wife say that her husband was too small. Never, never, not once, literally, not once. I think husbands need to hear that I think they need to know that that’s what their wives are worried about. Literally, they do not. They are not concerned about that. Dear husband, you are God’s masterpiece. God is responsible for every part of your body. He’s the one that did that. It’s important for wives to know that is that it really matters to your husband, what you think about his member, it really matters to him. And in oral sex, he can tell, he can tell what you think. If you refuse to do it, it means you don’t like his member, which means he feels unloved. It feels like you’re rejecting him who he is, as a man, as a person. That’s what it feels like.
6:45
Now, you may be thinking, Well, my husband doesn’t care that much about oral sex, well, then this is probably not the podcast for you. There’s
6:53
plenty of other ones. But if your husband is somebody that cares about oral sex, that is the way his perspective is like this, this is who he is. And if you reject it, you know, why do you think kissing his mouth is okay, like, why is that? natural and normal? Still part of his body? Right? See, the problem is our society has trained us to think of oral sex as dirty and wrong and only for naughty girls. And if you partake in that, then you’re one of the negative people on X rated films. Yeah, that’s not true. God made sex they stole it from God, God’s idea is for all sorts of flavors and freedoms and sex. He made it as a as a really exciting amusement park for each other that I mean, that’s what sex has the opportunity to be between the two of you. Now, the boundaries and in insects around sex is essentially in thought. And indeed, it’s between only the two of you. Like that’s, that’s the boundaries per the Bible. But after that don’t add rules to it. It’s kind of like, you know, I love ice cream. I can’t have ice cream anymore. Darn it. But for example, if I could, why, that’s, that’s my personal health things. That’s not because it’s bad. But anyway, why would you know all of us? Generally, we don’t I don’t know anyone who thinks eating ice cream is wrong, except that it’s not in the Bible. God doesn’t talk about ice cream. Now we do know someone given to gluttony, that’s a sin. Because God does have best in mind for us and it’s not to eat bonbons all day long, you know, constantly eating ice cream that’s going to mess up your health. So he does have boundaries there. But after that, why not enjoy ice cream and give God the glory for it? Like why is that? A problem. He does not give you a limit to how to enjoy your spouse’s body sexually. He does not give a boundary there. In fact, in the song of Solomon’s, it specifically talks about oral sex. Specifically, it’s talking about kissing his fruits under the shade of his palm tree. His fruits are sweet to my taste. Like that’s that in that time, that kind of language. There was no other way to interpret it. Like that. Everyone knew what we were talking about there. In the same way with oral sex for women, that’s also in Song of Solomon talking about blowing on my garden. I mean, there’s all sorts pomegranates, that was a very sensual fruit. And it was all about reporting, product, repressed activity, if that’s the word. So anyway, I would invite you to really think about why you’re putting boundaries on something God doesn’t restrict. Yes, don’t invite anyone into the marriage bed, yes, be conscious of your thought life and be conscious that you want to keep it pure and not tempted and focused on your spouse. But after that, like you just go to town have a wonderful, wonderful time. It’s kind of like, here we’ve got a playground, and there’s boundaries. So there’s the gate around the whole thing. But you’re not going to say, okay, you can only play in the sandpit you can’t play on the slide, you can’t play on the monkey bars, you can’t play on the swings, you can’t play on this, you can’t play on that. It’s like, wait a second, the boundary is inside the playground, that’s really all that matters. You don’t have to add all this other stuff to it. So yeah, if this is something that is exciting to your husband, if this is something that he craves, then there’s freedom there. Now, that’s kind of all talking to the wife there, here’s something I want to talk to the husbands about.
11:41
Your husband, you may be under the guise that pushing her head there is is a positive thing. I want to invite you to not do that. Because
11:57
it’s not attractive. Here’s, here’s the problem with that. What it kind of says to her is, you aren’t gonna communicate your desires, you’re just gonna force her to do them. And that is not, that is not something she’s gonna want to do, it will make her that she never wants to do that. Maybe you’re thinking in your head? No, I think she likes that. Well ask her just really directly ask her if she likes that. And if she likes it, great, keep going. But my hunch is she might not. So there’s one tip. Another tip is to always be clean. In fact, don’t let her do that unless you’re clean, because she will notice and potentially the next time she won’t be interested, or as excited. So just as much as you want it, even in the moment, just be like, Okay, I’m gonna go clean myself just a minute, that will speak dividends to you later, I promise. In terms of moving things forward, positively. And but husbands, if your wife is having trouble in this area, I want you to know it’s going to be a journey for her. And every step of the way, you have an opportunity to thank her be grateful, like every tiny step of the way. You might be listening to this and being like, my wife doesn’t even touch me around there. Like she is clearly grossed out. And I’ve worked with with either wives or husbands like that. And I and I were their spouses are like that, and I totally get it. And so, what you have an opportunity to do is thank her, everything she does, in that direction that you’re grateful for. Now, I’ll tell you something that a good thing does not have a but I’d prefer. Like there literally cannot be any caveat to your gratefulness. Otherwise, it might as well don’t say thank you, like, might as well forget the whole thing. There cannot be a caveat. There has to be sincere. Gratitude, and that’s actually going to move her forward. That’s going to make her be like okay, I’m good at this. All right, that was, you know, he’s, he’s, he accepts he’s, he’s, he’s grateful for what I do. Okay, maybe I’ll do more next time. It’s kind of like if you make a meal for the family. And she’s like, Well, this was great. But next time, can you not use frozen vegetables. So then you’re so then it’s actually a punch to the gut. It’s not gratitude at all. And then you’re probably not going to want to make dinner next time. So I want to invite you to think about having sincere gratitude to food for all that she doesn’t intimacy and continue that around oral sex as well. So, yeah, the elephant in the room why she’s uncomfortable, is because she probably thinks it associates her with the naughty girls. She probably doesn’t want to hear a podcast about oral sex. And in fact, if you’ve asked her to listen to this, she might be rolling your eyes as she’s listening to it because she feels forced, she feels pushed into this. And I know you as a husband, you don’t want to force your wife, you don’t want her to feel that way. So how do you move her in this direction? Well, I think there’s a couple of routes. One is this webinars a brilliant way of you starting her in this direction. You know, a lot of men will listen to my podcast, and they’re like, I just don’t know how to introduce this to my wife. So the webinar is a really good introduction. It’s not, I’m not gonna have, you know, really bright focus on intimacy, it’ll be sprinkled here and there, but it’s not going to be as giant of a focus as it is on my podcast, it’s really going to be an easy way for somebody just get started in thinking about intimacy, as a, as a, as a vital part of your of your marriage, but also it’s a, it’s a, it’s kind of wading into the pool, I’m not like pushing, you won’t be pushing her into the deep end, where she’s gonna be resisting, it’s this, like, Okay, let’s do this marriage conference together, it’s online, like this is a great opportunity. So there’s one, I’d highly recommend and do it as soon as you can.
16:54
So there’s one. The second thing is I also have a free resource for you called the seven blocks to her libido. So if you have been listening to my podcast for a while, you know, I did a webinar a while back, this is a downloadable, short workbook, essentially, that’s based on that webinar. And it’s extremely helpful for the guys I work with, to understand that you can take away these blocks, so that she can have a libido so that she’s not constantly being forced, and she can actually relax into it. So if that’s something that you need that resource, you can go to delight your marriage.com/the number seven, and then BL o CK s, and then you can get that resource. Okay, so that those are the things that are going to actually like, help take off the pressure, take off the push. A lot of men think if I don’t hold her feet to the fire, she’s not going to do anything. Well, I’ll tell you, you might have her mechanically doing something for you. But if her heart isn’t there, you and I both know, that’s not satisfying, you weren’t her heart there. And you cannot force someone into putting their heart there. I mean, that’s a slave, right? You don’t want a sex slave. What you want is, is a sexually free wife that’s generously making love and loves it and is so excited to make love and, and all of these things and that can’t happen if you are forcing her. You cannot have her feet to the fire. But you might be like, well belah What am I supposed to do? We’ve been dealing with this for two decades. So here’s the thing. People change. In fact, change happens constantly. People are constantly changing all the time. Like today tomorrow the next day you have to make it super easy for her to change super easy. So every inch centimeter she does in that direction you think her you praise her you invite more for her, but not because you’re forcing or pushing or manipulating. But it’s because you’re grateful for what she’s doing and that makes her want to do it more. I’ve got a ton more to say I really hope that you’re gonna join me on the webinar coming up. This is a great opportunity for not only her to learn and get insights but really for you too as well because believe it or not, you’ve got stuff to learn and you can do this as well. So I want to invite you to that WWW dot delight your marriage comm slash renew our e n
19:56
e w And let me leave you with this. If you are feeling like you’re not going to be satisfied in your marriage, unless oral sex is part of it,
20:14
I definitely understand that that’s a desire for so many men. And I’m not at a spot, I’m not here to tell you that that shouldn’t be part of your marriage, obviously, I want to encourage that I want that to be part. However, if the only thing you see, to make that happen, is by forcing, manipulating, pushing, holding her feet to the fire, you are undermining any progress that she has made towards that. Like, instead of her being drawn to you, to love you, and the ways that you feel loved, she will feel like, Oh, I’ve got to do this again. And it won’t be from her heart. So really take a step back and consider how can you love your wife? Well, how can you understand what you can do? And then how to be strategic for to change. Because here’s the thing, I think you, as a man can do tons and tons of work on your own, which is great, and you should do. But it may take a long time for things to change. I want to help things change fast, because thankfully, I get to see people change in weeks, and, you know, months, but like, doesn’t have to take years. So that’s, that’s what I want for you, I want it to be faster than just kind of you pedaling around because I have a system of change for your wife and for you. Like I have a system for that to happen in weeks and months. And that’s it. And then the rest of your life, it’s changed as transformed. You know, sadly, there are people that come to me been married for 3540 55 years, and they’ve been suffering for a long time. And and then we work together and things dramatically change. And here, they’re they’re just happy. They’re having a great, great life, a great marriage, great intimacy, spicy steamy variety. Lots of lots of lovemaking. And if they had just come to me, you know, in the beginning of their marriage, they could have enjoyed the whole thing the whole time. So yeah, like do the work. Now, don’t, don’t wait till later. And this is a really good opportunity for you to get on as soon as you can for this webinar. So again, I hope that this has been helpful, I hope that if you’re the wife listening, that you’ll have a new perspective, that oral sex is not for the dirty girls. It’s for the wives that really love their husbands. And the Song of Solomon wife, she loved her husband. That’s what this was about. It was about love and in powerful generosity in the bedroom. It’s powerful for your husband’s heart, for who he is to feel filled up to feel satisfied. God bless you, I look forward to seeing you soon. Take care. And I’ll pray for you, Father, thank You for the husband or wife listening God. Sex is such an important part of life. And it’s such an important part of their marriage. I pray God for new eyes, opened understandings, to become different, Lord, to change, they are changing daily, moment by moment, we are becoming different people. And it’s up to us to decide that to be intentional about that change God. That’s the one thing in life that never stops is change. You know, we’re always getting a little older. We’re always you know, just life is constantly changing. And I pray God that they would use that encouragement to change in the ways that you want them to whether their husband or wife both of them need to change. We love you, Lord. Amen. All right, guys. Thanks so much for listening. I love you. I’ll talk soon.
24:42
I