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So this is one of those topics that even when we’re talking about intimacy we don’t talk about.
But because I have the honor of speaking to women and men about some of the stuff they have never told ANYBODY, this comes up.
I want to share this episode because I want to help you. I don’t want you to feel alone and icky and like you’re sinning. Maybe you’re not OR what are the specific Biblical boundaries?
Maybe there are small tweaks you can make to your thought-life that will align them with God’s will. Maybe there are wees growing in the garden of your mind and they need to be pulled up and we’ll talk about that.
But you may be surprised by some of my thoughts even around homosexuality. It starts in the mind and what we focus on grows. Just because someone has same-sex attraction doesn’t make them gay. I want to clear about that because that’s an insecurity a lot of people have.
I believe we all have proclivities, it’s what we do with those proclivities that matter. Some of us are more violent, some of us easily lie and some of us have other proclivities we need to keep in check.
What you focus on grows. So if you’re focusing on the ways God wants you to be attracted and turned on by your spouse, I think you might be quite surprised by the way God will redirect your thoughts, feelings and even stimulation just by directing your fantasy-life.
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I am SO excited to invite you to my 3-part FREE Online Seminar, people had amazing things to say about it!
www.delightyourmarriage.com/renew
There’s only a couple of days left to go and get the replay!
“Belah, your webinar was absolutely amazing, we both enjoyed it and can’t wait for the other 2! You have such an incredible insight on the male – female relationship that we haven’t seen from any other relationship expert!
Your content was spot on and was such an awesome introduction. Where were you 25 years ago!!!!!!!” – Husband
“Thank you so much, Belah, for the distilling a lifetime of wisdom and teaching about God’s plan for marital happiness, family harmony and personal fulfillment into one webinar!!!” -Wife of 32 years
transcript
0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage.
0:23
Hi, there, this is belah rose, thank you so much for joining me. If you have never been to the delight your marriage podcast, I want to invite you and let you know that this is a safe place to talk about intimacy in marriage, because it’s really all about helping you love your spouse the way that they receive love. And that’s what we talk about on this podcast, we talk about intimacy, because I think we don’t talk enough about the real issues and the real questions that people have. And my hope and heart is to help and encourage you to have the best marriage that you can have so that you can do God’s work the best you can do. You know, when Paul talks about not burning with passion, he basically is saying get married, so you can get on with what God wants you to do. So you stop burning with passion, because it’s in the right place when it’s in your marriage. The trouble is, what if you don’t have passion in your marriage? Now that’s an issue. So I’m not one that wants you to be obsessed with sex, I don’t even follow sex experts. As a sex expert I, I do learn here and there when I need to learn something or whatever. But I’m, I’m not an avid listener or reader of certain things. I mean, every now and then if I feel like I can help someone better if I know more about it, but I pretty much know what I need to know, in order to help the people. I think that God needs me to help. I’m not obsessed with this stuff. And I don’t think you are either. I think you want to love your spouse well, so that you can do God’s will and His work the best. And so when I invite you to think about things in a different way, it’s not out of an obsession. It’s out of how can you love your spouse so they’re filled up so they can do their work for the kingdom. So here’s what I want to do, I want to talk about the online seminar that I put together, I spent a lot of time it’s a free seminar for you. It’s three parts. And actually a woman that’s been married 32 years, she wrote as a comment, she said, Thank you so much belah for the distilling of a lifetime of wisdom, and teaching about God’s plan for marital happiness, Family Harmony and personal fulfillment into one webinar. And then she goes on to express how grateful she is and and how she arrived at the same truth after a lot of research and after her lifetime of marriage together. So I was really honored and grateful that she came on the seminar and felt that it was that profound and helpful. So I, I hope you’ll join. Another gentleman said Bella, your webinar was amazing. Absolutely amazing. We both enjoyed it and can’t wait for the other two exclamation point, you have such an incredible insight on the male female relationship that we haven’t seen from any other relationship expert exclamation point, your content was spot on and was such an awesome introduction. Where were you 25 years ago, and then I think he has seven exclamation points.
3:43
So I’m extremely, extremely grateful. Those are just a couple of the responses that I received. I was so grateful to hear them. I think this is going to impact your marriage, I really do. This online seminar is free. But it’s only going to be available until Tuesday, midnight, Eastern Standard Time. So I hope that you’ll go to www dot delight your marriage.com/renew. And if you go there you sign up you’ll see the replays and in the third replay, I talk about a program that I’m just starting. It’s brand new. And it’s called renew connection, deeper loving relationship and true intimacy. And this program is an opportunity for a husband to get the training he needs. And at the same time for the wife to get the training she needs for them to each love the other well in the way that they receive love because as husbands and wives we receive love differently. And I talk about in that seminar what exactly she needs and when exactly he needs to feel loved. And those are the free online seminar. So I hope that you’ll go because like I said, it’s going to be available for only three more days, or depending on when you listen to this until Tuesday night. So I hope that you’ll be able to listen to it and bring your spouse, there’s a segment that I have only for wives and a segment only for husbands because I don’t think we need to be trained at the same time and rolling our eyes at each other or elbowing each other, it’s embarrassing. What we need to do, we get trained. And then on game day, it’s like our game day is is with our spouse. So that’s what I want to invite you to do, I hope that you’ll do that. If you’re like me, and you like to listen to things two times fast, because it’s the replay, you actually have that option, and you can speed me up, and I’ll go super fast, and tell you all the only important things you need to know. Awesome. So that’s the light your marriage.com/renew. All right, well, let’s talk about the topic I wanted to specifically talk on the podcast about is fantasy. Now, this is something that I hear a lot from wives, about fantasy. And interestingly enough, I didn’t think about it before coming on this, to talk to you about this, but I actually have never heard this from any of my male students. Their temptation is around, you know, addiction, you know, pornography, sadly, that’s, that’s, that’s a huge temptation for them. But in terms of in the moment, they’re thinking about what’s happening right there in front of them, they are thinking about their wives. And I confirm this with some of my male students. So they, they’ve told me it’s true, they’re they don’t have any trouble being present. They’re thinking about this incredible experience they’re having with their spouse. Now, their feelings do get hurt, because they can sense that their wives are not necessarily present with them. I think sometimes as women, we’re so insecure around intimacy, that even though we’re uncomfortable with something, we get this expression on ourselves on our face. And we almost assume that he can’t tell because he’s turned on. And he doesn’t stop because he’s turned on. And he’s like, Well, you know, I’m going to kind of ignore her uneasiness. And I think us women, we think it’s okay. Because we think he can’t tell. But even though your husband’s turned on, he’s still the sensitive, kind, loving husband, he always is. So he, he knows if you’re not feeling comfortable, or he knows if you’re not feeling your best, he might not stop everything and be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, what? What’s happening? What, what are you feeling and it’s only because he wants to keep going, and he knows that all, you know, in the mood. So I want to just invite you to think about that, that your husband actually does sense what’s happening in your mind and in your heart. And He wants you to be present, when you all are making love. So if you are having a hard time shutting off your brain, before intimacy,
8:23
I want to invite you to, number one, recognize the importance of it, that it’s important to make yourself be present. Here’s an interesting thought that may help help you is like if you’re not present, making love to your husband, then you’re not really making love to your husband, are you you’re your body’s there, but you’re not there. And it’s like what, why are you missing this experience? Why are you pulling your mind somewhere else? And you’re missing the experience with your husband? Now, I mean, I’m asking you out of curiosity, like not judgment. Don’t don’t put judgment on yourself. But be curious, like, what’s going on with me that I don’t want to be present to intimacy? What’s going on with me that the motivation isn’t there to be fully present with my spouse? Now, I don’t want to tell you that it’s easy. It’s not. I mean, there are times that I have to be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, where did my mind just go? somewhere completely different than here, and that does happen. And I want to invite you, there’s a lot of things you can do to make yourself bring yourself to presence again, and you can start getting in your body again, you start noticing things so when I mean getting in your body again, that might mean using your body fingers around his body, touch his arms or his back or just touch us, you start getting back into your senses, what is the feeling of touch underneath your finger tips? And then start noticing how you’re actually feeling in terms of him inside you like, what are the feelings that are happening. So get get back inside your body start noticing. And a lot of times, if you’ve ever read books about mindfulness I can’t remember the source. I’ll tell you that right off. But at some point, I think I might think was an interview, actually, that I heard. But anyway, the woman was talking about how mindfulness is just noticing new things, noticing new things. And so if you think about it, when you’re making love, start noticing the new things, whether it’s new sensations, or new, new feelings in any sense of your body, maybe he’s touching your skin in a way that is interesting or intriguing to you. And you can just start noticing, maybe there are things that you can start doing to yourself to make yourself feel more turned on. Okay, so that’s kind of where, you know, putting your mind while intimacy is happening. How can you as a wife be proactive in that. But then I want to talk about fantasy specifically. Because a lot of times, women feel turned on by fantasy. And I think that’s why romance novels are a big thing. And some people call that female porn for romance novels, I personally have not gotten into it. I do know that some people have either been able to find romance novels that are like around, I don’t know, they’ve been able to kind of imagine it through their, like being with their husband. The interesting thing, I think, is whatever you are fantasizing about, if it is between you and your husband. So the boundaries in marriage, if sorry, the boundaries in the Bible are between a husband and a wife in thought, and indeed, it’s okay. Like those are the boundaries. So we’re not allowed to lust after someone who’s not our spouse, which would mean fantasizing, we’re not allowed to do that. God knows best. It, it breaks the bond between weekends, the bond between you and your spouse, if you’re fantasizing about someone who’s not your spouse, because again, you’re not making love to your spouse, you’re making love to some fantasy, and your body is not there. But your mind is in that fantasy. So it weakens what sex is supposed to be about. it dilutes the power of it. But if you believe that sex is actually a place to be fully powerful, you have to be present. Otherwise, that dilutes it for you, and the power it’s supposed to have on you. Because it’s not just for your husband, the pleasure and the joy and the connection, and the unity is for you, too, as a wife.
13:23
So fantasy, let’s say you’ve been having fantasies of being dominated. That is not an uncommon fantasy for a wife of being dominated. The answer is, that’s okay. And that’s normal. And it’s okay. And it can even be hot. It can even be a turn on for you. If the person dominating you is your spouse. So you can even make it into the playful things between the two of you have of making up scenarios where you and your spouse are doing it, but it has to be between you and your spouse. That’s the boundary. Now, sometimes our husband’s the one that wants to be dominated. Why not? There’s no nothing against that. Absolutely not. That can be between you and your, your wife, if that’s something that’s exciting for you. There’s no negative reason unless there’s a third party involved. If there’s a third party involved, there’s the line. The line has been established that it needs to only between be between you and your spouse, but you can put it in interesting context like you could in a fantasy you could pretend you’re in the the office then you you know run into the to the whole closet and you do some fancy things, you know, some exciting stuff between the two of you and you talk through it and you imagine it with each other while you’re making love in your own bed in your own house. But that might make it extra exciting or put a little variety in it for you both. Another thing is you could just change the place that you might be making love together. So you could say that, you know, we’re making love in a tent in the, you know, middle of the park or something, and you’re, and you’re just talking about it. And this fantasy of you all, doing something unusual, is getting you both excited. Now, there’s nothing wrong with that, if it’s between the two of you. And in fact, that may be a little kick in the variety for you both. I remember working with someone and she was like, It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to orgasm, this is so strange, it’s never happened to me before. And I invited her to at will have you tried, let’s try this, let’s try different things to get you turned on. And just by thinking of, in speaking out different environments, physical places, they could be making love, they would talk it through to each other while they’re getting in the mood, or while they’re inside of each other, that would create an extra sense of excitement between them and for her and that, that move her towards orgasm that hadn’t been for a while. So you don’t know how it’s gonna turn you on. But I would invite you to try it. If you’ve never ventured into the possibility of talking about fantasy or things that you might like to try together, or even just talk about and pretend you’re trying it together, just talk about it. That’s a really great thing to do. Now, I want to just tell you, for those of you listening, and you’re like I could never, I want to invite you to realize it’s vulnerable. It’s not, especially if you’re just getting started, it’s not easy. And even if your Heck, even if you’re used to saying it, it’s not necessarily the easiest thing. But you never know if that’s going to encourage both of you and give you guys variety and excitement and do something new for your intimacy. Intimacy can always can like, let me say this exciting intimacy is variety. So it’s not that you need to be making love every night of the week. That’s that’s just not it. I men tell me a lot. That’s not the ideal, the ideal is that my wife would be excited about it interested in about in desire me. That’s the ideal. And so if you are in a spot where you feel like you’re exhausted by the amount that you all are doing together, maybe it’s just upping the variety and the excitement, and the frequency, maybe it doesn’t have to be that high. I mean, I don’t know what what it is for you all, but maybe it’s really just less of the amount and more of the excitement.
18:08
So um, so yeah, I would invite you to take, you know, if you have had shame around your fantasy, and many women do they they walk around thinking that they’re sinning. Now, if it’s with someone other than your spouse, that is that is sin. All you have to do is re is change it to be that with your husband. Now, here’s something about fantasy that I do want to touch on that I really haven’t before. But I have heard from plenty of people that this is something that is is tough on them is sometimes fantasy with the same sex is intriguing or interesting or turning on for somebody. I’ve heard that actually many times, and I want you to feel at peace, to know that being attracted to somebody of the same sex is not a sin. It’s not. It’s what you do with that is what the Bible says is a sin. It’s not. It’s not the peace of of having attraction. I think that God in His kindness has made so many people with so many differences, that that there’s somebody for everybody within God’s boundaries. And I remember I had a friend and she said as she was growing up, she thought that she wasn’t attracted to men and really confused her and she was really nervous about it. And she just kept that to herself and that kind of thing. And then when she went to College, she realized there was no diversity where she grew up. And the truth is she was just not attracted to white men. And so she ended up with a gentleman from Peru and, and so it just goes to show like, God has so many different types of people in the world, like, there are women with giant biceps, and there are men that are also I think I’m just being silly with with gender norms here. But I just think that God is so good and kind, and he has so many people in this earth, that we don’t have to negate what he says in Scripture. Because we’ve had sexual dreams about the same gender or fantasies. I believe that God has bigger for us, He cares more. And there’s so like, there’s billions of people, like, maybe you’re not attracted to any of the, you know, men in your area or women in your area, but maybe it just means that you just haven’t met the right ones. Yes. You know, and just because you’ve had attraction to men or women in the past that are the same sex as you doesn’t mean that that’s going to always be the case. I think that what we focus on grows, so if you focus on that attraction, I think that can grow. Or if you focus on the attraction to your spouse that can grow. It’s a, it’s where you let your thought life go. And we all have a responsibility to be a good steward of our thought life. It’s like a garden, if we don’t plant the right seeds. If we don’t weed out the weeds, if we don’t ensure that it’s gonna get watered by the word and refreshed on a consistent basis, then weeds are going to grow and it’s going to become a monster of a garden, it’s not going to be fruitful. But if we do what God asks us to do with our garden, and we do plant the right seeds, and we do invest the right thoughts into our garden, and we have fantasies about our spouse, don’t we make things fun and exciting between just the two of us that excitement is going to grow? There are trade offs in this life, we don’t have an infinite enough amount of time to think thoughts. So if you make sure you’re intentional about the good thoughts to be thinking, they’re going to spur on more good thoughts you,
22:55
you can’t like. It’s kind of like you can’t watch two movies at once. Right, you only have enough space in your mind to focus on one thing at a time. So if your mind is consumed by one thing, then this other thing dies. So I want to invite you to focus your fantasy on your spouse, focus your fantasy, on the goodness that God has in front of you on the good things of what he or she is. And don’t allow the enemy to distract you on fantasies that are not what God asks us to do. So let me pray for you. As we as we wrap this up Father, in Jesus name, I asked that your truth would rain, I asked that your truth would rain. Father, you know what’s best for the person on this other line God, and whatever you need to teach them or grow them or change their thoughts. That’s what it would be. And Father, I pray for grace to love their spouse, deeper, and fuller and wider. God the way that you love us, you tell us to love you with all our heart, with all our mind with all our strength with all our soul, and that means to realign our opinions with yours. So Lord, I pray for wisdom and insight for your revelation. God, I and I pray for grace. Help us to love our neighbor as ourselves, God help us to love our neighbor as ourself. What does that mean in every situation that we’re in? I touched on something that’s not a popular thing to talk about. Talk about. But how does it how do we love somebody in maybe a confusing part of their lives? How do we love them, rather than push them My way, how do we love them? We’ve all had difficult seasons of our life. How do we love them in it that attracts them to you not pushes them away from you. And Father, I pray for the person that’s struggling in their thought life. I have been in their shoes, and it is awful. With sexual difficulties in in your thought life, Lord, I invite you to guide them into what seeds to sow, and how to grow that in Jesus name. Amen. If this is something that resonated with you, I want to invite you to read a book that was written in think as 1903 it is an oldie, but man, is it a goodie. And it’s called as a man thinketh As a Man Thinketh. And it’s actually on audiobook for free at on YouTube. So if you want to just Google there, it’ll make you fall asleep, if you’re listening to it while you’re in bed. But if you listen to it enough, it’s a short, it’s a short, it’s a short listen or read whatever you prefer. But if you listen to it enough, you’ll like the insights are just so good. And there are certain parts that are definitely biblical. I’m not sure if all of it is and, you know, as I’ve talked about in previous podcasts, I don’t, I don’t recommend 100% of pretty much anything that I put on my podcast, but I do think there’s so much value that you can get from it. So I hope if this is resonating, and you want your thought life to be different, you can go to as a man thinketh I think it’s a really good one. Other than that, I do hope that you will come on to the online seminar. As I said, I think that God can do something absolutely miraculous. through it. So I want to read one more testimonial that commented he said, Excellent broadcast, Bella understands what husbands and wives need. This is what drew me to the dy M program. Yes, I am a graduate of her program. And my marriage has never been this intimate. And I’ve been married for decades. We say now that we were merely roommates with benefits only months ago, we were on the brink of divorce. But Bella’s program showed me what is most important to her. All I did was learn about how I can change implemented her lessons in my wife. And I fell in love for real every day now is like magic. But this program is so much more than intimacy, you’ll learn to be the man of her dreams. It’s so easy. I can’t put a price on this kind of wisdom. We are profoundly grateful.
27:43
So I am so grateful for his comment there and I hope that you’ll go to this free live broadcast you go to www dot delight your marriage comm slash renew. And like I said it’s going to be the replays going to be gone here very soon, Tuesday. Midnight. So I hope you’ll be there. Very quickly, very soon part three parts. So it’s three hours. And if you’re like me like to listen to things two times fast, you’ll be able to have that option. And yeah, God bless you. I look forward to speaking to you more soon. We’ll talk soon. Bye