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So, I hear you.
And I validate your desire.
I wish wives would understand the importance and privilege she has to love him the WAY HE RECEIVES love.
With that in mind, I want to encourage you, dear husband.
Jesus KNOWS about your high sex drive. In fact, God is responsible for it. It’s very clear in the Bible that He knows and designed you with it.
So, when I am encouraging you in how to view your wife, it’s actually the most PRODUCTIVE thing you can do to bring you both at a better place in intimacy.
It’s not the last step, but it’s the FIRST and has be there BEFORE anything else.
If you want to understand the next 12 steps (literally), you can sign up for a FREE Clarity Call (worth $500!) where you and I will talk about what your SPECIFIC situation is.
You’ll get clarity and great value and as I’m listening and discerning whether or not you’d be the right fit for me to expect amazing transformation in your marriage:
- like a husband who was celibate for several years because his wife shut him out now they’re making generous and enthusiastic love several times every week!
- like a husband who walked on eggshells hoping his wife wouldn’t reject him at night and she hadn’t initiated in 20 years – now she’s the ONLY one initiating and they’re making passionate love on a consistent basis!
If that’s what you’d like to see in your marriage, I’d love to consider your story on a Clarity Call and IF I think you’re the right fit I may invite you to work with me. Go to www.delightyourmarriage.com/call
(Due to capacity, I am only offering this call for husbands at this time though I have some options that may include them if I feel it’s the right fit.)
transcript
0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage. Hey there, welcome. This is belah rose. First off, I want to thank you for being with me. I don’t take it lightly that you spend half an hour with me or 45 minutes, each episode. Sometimes people will email me and they’ll say I just got onto your, your episodes, and I’m binging all of them starting from the beginning. And I just want to say thank you, that is not easy. That takes a lot of time. And I so appreciate when you take the material seriously, and you want to apply it. And I think the other thing I want to say is thank you for spreading the word of the podcast. Some of my social media accounts were disabled. So I think it’s because maybe I was talking about sex too much. Not sure. But truly, from the beginning, I wasn’t on social media, for the first four years of this ministry, public ministry, because I just don’t think this is a public topic. And people weren’t, anyway, very much engaging in social media stuff anyway, because it’s all superduper private, and you don’t want your friends or your co workers that you’re friends with on Facebook to see that you liked something about sex, and I totally get it. So anyway, all that to say is that the fact that you share this bravely with friends or friends of friends, is really a gift to spread this word and to help people grow in this really vital piece of life that nobody’s talking about. But it’s affecting everyone, bar none. It is affecting everyone. So thank you for doing that. Right now. The podcast is last time I checked in in 155 different countries. It’s, it’s it’s grown. And it’s because people like you are brave enough to send it to a friend and be like, hey, what do you think of this podcast? Or what did you think of this episode, or I’d love to get coffee and chat through this one. So thank you for that. Today, I want to talk about something really important. And it’s going to be a significant improvement to your concept of your wife’s sexuality, as well as a concept of your own sexuality. So I have the privilege, and I’m super grateful and honored that I get to work with husbands. And I get to work with them in a couple of team coaching programs, one of which, if you are interested is a pretty intensive program. But people come out from the other side, just transformed, I only work with a husband. And by the end, the wife had never initiated in 20 years by the end, she is the only one initiating and they’re making love in brand new ways. Very passionate, very excited. And that’s that’s not an uncommon story. So I’m super grateful. That’s that’s what happens through these programs. So if you are interested in the program I’m talking about it’s called masculinity reclaimed, be respected, enjoy fierce intimacy and love being married again. So if that’s an interest to you, I am opening up Clarity Calls for you, which is basically a call where we’re going to dive in deep into what’s going on in your marriage. And I’m going to discern whether or not you would be the right fit for this program or something else, or another program that would be more inclusive with your wife, but separate trainings. So I have several options, if you would be the right fit, but I really have to dig deep into your story to find out if you would be because I don’t think everyone’s the right fit. Not everyone’s ready for transformation. Not everyone is at a spot or just in their, their situation that they that I could expect giant things for them, and transformation. So I like to dive deep and it takes a little while. But specifically, I’m opening up these free Clarity Calls. It’s a $500 value because I really spend the time it’s 40 minutes, and we dive deep. We really figure out what’s going on and you get clarity on the issues. But the catch is at the end, if I feel like you’re the right fit. I’ll invite you to a program potentially, if you’re not you’ve got tons of free value and you’ve got next steps based on what what’s what’s the next right thing for you guys. So
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excuse me, you can go to delight your marriage.com/ Call ca LL, I’m only accepting men right now I don’t have capacity for, for women in my programs at this point, that may change. But at this point, I invite just the men to sign up. So let’s dive into this topic. I think this is huge. And I think if you are attentive, this can be a hugely beneficial insight and impact into your marriage. So this is directed to high drive men. And I’ll tell you, the men that are attracted to my work are generally HYDrive, they generally could make love every day, maybe multiple times a day, that would be ideal for them. Or maybe they wish they could make love multiple times a day, but in full reality every other day is probably their max. But the point is, that’s the drive, that’s the desire for sex is high. And I don’t fault you for this at all. In fact, I think it is a God given desire. It’s a very good gift that he has given you to have a high desire. And of course, there’s going to be some women listening, because this is a public podcast. And I hope you understand that your husband’s drive is God given? It is God given and for men, for those of you that have suffered in your marriage, for you to say, and accept that God gave you this gift of a HYDrive. But what do you do with it? What do you do with it, if your wife is rejecting is not interested, is tired? His board thinks that the duty gives you pity sex? What do you do, if that’s what your wife that’s where her mind is, she’s too busy to worry with you. You fall at the bottom of her to do list, right, quote, unquote, you don’t want to be on her to do list anyway, you want it to be a natural desire for her. So that’s where you are. I want to invite you to consider that God is with you in your intimacy, and he cares about it. He cares about your intimacy. That might be surprising. Because maybe you have thought that this is something you’ve got to just deal with. And white knuckle your way through, not being tempted by pornography or by the advertisements, or by the movies or by the this or that. God knows what’s going on. He set this world up for your desire for your wife’s intimacy. He knows it. And he created you that way. So for example, Abraham, when God said when God told Abraham to consecrate himself, and his whole household means all the servants, all his kids, all, all the men that he had to deal with, like everyone in his household, needed to be consecrated to God. What they had to consecrate was their member was their sex life. AKA, their sex was consecrated the fact that they, they might never have had pleasure again, they may never have been able to use that thing again. I mean, that’s what was at stake. No one had been circumcised before then there was no way to know whether the pain was going to end and eventually you could have pleasure again, even being circumcised. The reason God asked for that is because he knew that it was the most important thing to these men. He knew it was most important for them. Jesus talks about if a man is not using his member in marriage, he’s like a unike. It’s a I believe, Matthew 19. And that’s Jesus talking. And some people can be Unix for the glory of God and they should be that’s what he says. But some people can’t accept this gift. It’s like the gift is of singleness. Like you have to have a gift as a man to be single.
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And we in our society, don’t honor that gift as we should. That is a gift. A man is not a man, because he can have sex all the time. That’s not what defines him as a man His gift if he can withhold for the kingdom of God. But if he is married, that was not the grace God gave him. And so sex is part of his makeup. And frequency is part of his makeup. And his desire for generous visuals from his wife is part of his makeup. You know, one of the most popular episodes I’ve produced is episode 199. The three things that he craves in intimacy, it’s a title, something like that are the three things he wants an intimacy. And I’m, excuse me that that’s so important for us wives to understand about our husbands. But it’s also important for men to know it’s legitimate, like God made you that way. And that’s okay. And that’s good, and it’s not sinful. So I want to start off by just giving you a little bit of empathy, as a woman to say, It’s okay what your desire is, and it’s good. And God wants that to be part of who you are. So here’s the thing, men have a good desire. They just have a bad strategy for how to bring their wife into this understanding. It’s just a bad strategy. A lot of times they’ll send her podcasts or Senator books or Senator this or senator that or they’ll speak openly and honestly, to her about his desire. And so then she feels pressured, and she feels high expectations. And she feels like he can’t be satisfied because even what she does for him isn’t enough. And then she’s got her boatload of insecurities that she brings to the bedroom, which are totally valid. And that’s the way the enemy lies to her about their sex life so that she feels this barrier this wall between them because she’s super insecure about her own stuff. And then he’s talking all these like, I’m unsatisfied. And explanations about that. And so it’s like, okay, well forget it, you won’t be satisfied I, I don’t have what it you know, I’m not going to just keep going, you’ll never be satisfied. So basically, we’re at a spot where it’s important for a husband to understand that his wife is very different than he is, in all sorts of ways from, from her, from her voice, to her body shape, to the way she thinks about sex. God did not make her like you. And that is a good thing. That is a good thing. Here’s why it’s a good thing. Let me just explain. I really believe that a man has to become more like Jesus in character, for a wife, to feel filled up through intimacy or even want intimacy. He has got to exhibit the character of Jesus. And what does that mean? He’s got to be a person that slows his life down, to be empathetic, to be a good listener. To be a man of love, and joy, and peace and patience, and goodness, and kindness, gentleness, and self control. It says in the Bible, you will know them by their fruits. You will not know someone by their convictions, and they’re even prophetic giftings it’s you will know them by their fruits. By their fruits, we should be judging everyone, by their fruits, not on any other
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thing. And of course, there’s a lot more to be said about let’s not, Judge not lest ye be judged, but there’s an aspect of we’ve got to be careful of wolves in sheep’s clothing. Right, so we have to judge Well, we have to be wise as serpents, but gentle as doves, you need to be testing the spirits you need to be questioning is this person, man or woman, this leader, this pastor, this, this person were following in any capacity, whether it’s your husband or anywhere else, or it’s yourself looking in the mirror, do they have the fruits of Jesus, because it doesn’t matter what they’re saying, if the fruits of the Holy Spirit are not in them, because it says, Not everyone who says to Me, Lord, Lord will come into the kingdom of heaven, they can prophesy my name, they can cast out demons of my name, they can give all their stuff to the poor in my name. And yet, they are not of Me, they haven’t done the will of my Father. You have to be a person of the fruit of Jesus, which again is love, and joy, and peace, and patience, and goodness, and kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control. So you gentlemen, have the gift of a wife, who responds to the fruits of Jesus, the fruits of the Holy Spirit. She wants to make love to a man that exhibits the fruits of the Holy Spirit. I’m serious. I’m serious. Have you ever heard people say, or women say, Oh, he’s so good with kids. He’s so sexy. It rolls off the tongue. It’s like the same phrase, he’s good with kids. He’s so sexy. What does that mean? When you’re good with kids, you are exhibiting the fruits of the Spirit, you are gentle, you’re patient, you’re kind, you’re self control, like that is the man that’s good with kids you’re loving, you’re joyful, you’re peaceful, like that, is sexy. That’s what a wife is craving from her husband. So it is a limit on you, that if you are not exhibiting the fruits of the spirit, your wife does not want to make love to you. So it is a gift. And it is a limit for God to give you that limit of like, Listen, buddy, you’re out of line here in your fruits. And that’s why she doesn’t want make left to you in a generous, open way. So a lot of men. Think about that verse that says, Your body’s not your own, but it’s your spouse and kind of like the husband owns the wife’s body and the wife owns the husband’s body. That’s great. I get it. I agree. Make love because you’re married. Good. Now in reality, your feeling of entitlements to her sexuality is undermining her wholehearted sexual desire for you. So just like anything that I say in my podcast, if it’s directed to a husband or a wife, either of them could listen to it and be like, You should do this because that’s what belah said. And but let’s say I’m talking to a husband, and then the wife uses as a as a tool to be like, see data data and but it was directed to a husband to encourage him and maybe can victim maybe edify him. But if the wife uses it almost as a weapon against her husband, it’s it’s not going to be helpful. So in the same way, if I’m talking to a wife and the husband’s like, see, you know, all my thoughts about intimacy are valid. See what Bella saying blah, blah, blah. It’s just used as a weapon and it’s not going to be helpful. So that verse, though true, if you use it as a weapon,
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it’s basically inviting your wife to look at it and be like, okay, so how can I use my body in a way that honors my husband’s desire for it in the same way with the husband, but it’s not something that you as a husband can wield over your wife and be like, see? I’m supposed to have ownership of your body So get over here and do me. Like that’s not. It’s not attractive, it’s going to make her angry and hurt.
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Because here’s the biggest question I wrote down for you. Do you want a passionate wife? Or a resentful robot? Do you want a passionate wife or a resentful robot? Because the way you expect her the way you think, well, she just had sex, I wouldn’t be angry all the time.
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Wouldn’t be crabby, if she does was passionate. It’s like, well, listen, buddy. If you want to pressure her and force her, then she very well may have sex with you. But she’ll do it with resentment in her heart. And she’ll do it feeling like she’s being used and even abused, and it feels like you don’t care about her. But if your opinion of it is not entitlement, but low expectations and appreciation of everything she does, that she feels like she can satisfy you. And she can hold her head up high and feel like she is enough for her husband.
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And you lower your expectations. But unless you’re hurt, listen. It has to be your heart that is changed. It has to be your heart that has changed. Yes, I can give you all the tools and the the words to say and all these things, because that’s practical stuff, you need that Yes.
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But if it’s not your hearts, your true convictions are going to come out. Eventually you will get frustrated. And say the thing that’s going to undermine all the progress, I’ve seen it way too many times. So you have to do is submit your sexuality to God’s leadership to his rule. Your wife is not a robot. And if you force her to have sex with you, she will not be able to be a passionate wife. If you push her, you prod her, you guilt her, you complain to her, you criticize her, you critique her, that will push her away from a true desire to have sex with you. All of it, all of that will push her away. Your desire for sex is good. Your strategy is to be like the man Christ wants you to be. I love this phrase. Aristotle said it but I tweaked it a bit. Aristotle says you are what you continually do. Excellence then is not an act, but a habit. So my tweak of that is you are what you continually do. Character then, is not an act, but a habit. I’ll say it again. You are what you continually do. Character then is not an act, but a habit. So whether or not you are exhibiting the fruits of the Spirit, whether you are truly following Jesus, right, because you will know them by their fruits. Like that’s what shows us is your character. If you are exhibiting that with your wife, I mean that is who you are. Your character is every action you take with your spouse, that is your character. Your character doesn’t begin when you put on the nice button up shirt and you go to work or you go to church, or you’re serving quote unquote, in whatever ministry, etc, etc. I don’t want to demean what you’re doing but I do want to say that literally. So many people compartmentalize their life and act like their marriage is the place that gets the gets the crumbs, not just the crumbs, but gets the worst of their character, gets the frustration gets the anger gets the roof, all that stuff and it’s like why it’s there. This is the place that it should be the best you should be serving the best, you should be loving the best and your marriage, your your fruits of the Spirit should be of highest value in your marriage, in your
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relationship with your wife. So you’ve got to treat your wife like a woman,
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like a woman, she is not like you. You’ve got to treat her like a woman. And men and women are not the same. When it comes to sex. They’re not the same.
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They think about it very differently. So I want to invite you excuse me, I want to invite you to consider that
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you have been given an opportunity that every time you have a desire for sex, which, for HYDrive minute Imen, it’s many times a day, you have an opportunity to draw closer to Jesus, and that is productive. Don’t draw away from your wife continue to give her the affection and the love she desires and continue to be a man that loves intimacy. How do you do both of those? Well, I have lots of more teaching to give you you’re welcome to sign up for a clarity call if this is resonating with you, and you want that extremely generous, intimate, loving bond between you and your wife, again, or maybe it never was there. But listen, it’s it’s got to start with you. It’s got to start with you. I’ll read you an email that came in the other day that the gentleman gave me the permission to read. But I was really encouraged because his story is a bit. Well, he and his wife hadn’t made love for several years before they came to me. And he said I wanted to take time out and touch base with you since last talking to you and give you an update on things between my wife and I, she’s aware I’m sending you this email in case you wondered. We’ve decided to take a break from fighting all the time and become an awesome married couple again. So he said sorry, I couldn’t resist things are going really, really well. And we were both really happy with our progress together. And here are some deets. First and foremost, we are both really happy to be around each other again, I can’t say that was always the case. But I’d prefer to be in her presence over anyone else on Earth. And I’m pretty sure she feels the same way. A lot of that has to do with the changes we’ve both made with your guidance last year. I won’t say it’s been easy to stop doing the things I’ve always done in the past. But the reward of a better marriage is worth the work. It will be a continual effort for me. But it gets easier over time. And my wife is not afraid to tell me when I’ve overstepped my boundaries. Since I’ve given more her more space and worked on not second guessing her, she has become a much more confident person as well. And that alone tells me everything I need to know. Okay, I’ll get to the part you really want to know about our intimacy. Honestly, it is better than I expected. While we were working with you I have expected my wife was going along with things like maybe even just, or I added this part. But he said, like completing an assignment. Well, since finishing, I realized that it’s not the case, I know she’s enjoying our intimate times together because she tells me she is exclamation point. There’s never a feeling of let’s get this over with or guilt for asking. We are generally intimate a couple of times a week. I never thought I’d say those words exclamation point. It has been fantastic. She’s open and engaged the complete opposite from before. We’ve had some really intense conversations about our intimacy, and she’s never shut down while talking. She’s not afraid to express her opinion on things. And she’s told me she’s really comfortable with the intimacy we’re having, both in frequency and what we’re doing. She’s even been stretching herself on a personal level. I recognize it and I’m always quick to compliment and thank her for whatever she does. He gave me a couple more insights that I’m not going to go into. But then he says anyway, all in all things are really good. I thought you should know since you were instrumental in getting us pointed in the right direction, we both agreed that while the cost was steep, it kept our feet to the fire to change and ultimately looks to be our best investment together. It’s really a small price for the potential of decades of happily being together. Thank you again, for your help. If you ever need anything from us, don’t hesitate to reach out, I’ll probably probably drop you another line down the road to keep you in the loop on how things are with much gratitude, husband and wife.
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So I am honored and grateful. And I did ask him if it was okay to share that. And he was it was very open to that. And honestly, God is so kind and so good. And there is absolute transformation that is possible in your marriage. What I have shared in this podcast is required for your wife to want intimacy, if you keep the pressure, and that direct approach, the way you approach everything else in life of, you know, this is what to expect. This is where we’re going. I mean, I work with a lot of ambitious men, and they’re super duper successful in their lives. But why it doesn’t work in their bedroom, is because they’re not dealing with. They’re dealing with a completely different dynamic, a completely different situation. They are not their wife’s coach, they’re not her teacher, they are not her guide, if you will, there, the husband, the one that loves her, the one that cherishes and honors and protects her. That’s required for her to desire intimacy, and she can desire intimacy, I don’t care who your wife is, she can desire intimacy, but it’s up to you as a man to change to be the leader of your marriage. Don’t think it’s all on her, like, I’ll just be a better guy, if she starts having sex with me passionately, it’s up to her to do that. Like, all of us, you know, if you’re a wife, you it’s up to you to change, like, that’s fine, because that’s the most empowering message I can give you. And I think all of us can do dramatic things in our marriage to change it. But if you are a husband, listening, don’t give up your power to change your marriage. You can change it. Let me pray for you, Father, you love this guy. You love him, he is your son. And you know him, you know the depth of his desire for intimacy with his wife, you gave that to him. And you know, the the intense temptations that are around every day, all the time. And you know, if he’s even struggling with that, and he has given in, I pray in Jesus name for the grace to rise higher, to recognize that he has a responsibility to play here. It is not on his wife’s shoulders, for him to have a good character. But God that will actually change things. It is the first step it is not the only step. But it is the first step it is required for transformation between the two of them. So Father, I asked for a heart change, you are the God that changes Hearts of Stone to hearts of flesh. Lord, My words are weak. But you guys can use them. You can use this podcast to change this man in the way that you want him to go. I’ve worked with women. And I have grieved over the challenge that I just wish I could have worked with the husband to if only then they would have had the marriage that they’re seeking. Lord, let him have the responsibility of changing him self in your image, that he would exhibit the fruits of the Spirit, he would elevate those above every other thing. He needs to be the man that you asked him to be when you wanted. When you said follow me become a disciple a disciplined follower of me. Let him be the one that exhibits Jesus. We love you. We praise You. We thank you. I know you’re doing things, and you will. Amen. Thank you so much for spending the time with me. Thank you for having an open heart and being willing to have seeds of the word. Go in your soil in your heart. And I just pray that the nuggets you needed to hear would stay with you long after this episode. And it would transform your marriage In Jesus name. Thank you again for listening. I look forward to talking to you next week.
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Bye