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Playfulness doesn’t seem important now that life is so busy and stressful, but it’s actually central to a good marriage and a PASSIONATE marriage.
When you think about what your relationship was at first, it probably was full of laughter. Right?
The value of playfulness:
- Laughter makes you smarter
- Makes you more creative
- Improves your immune systems
- The JOY of the Lord is our strength
Rejoice… is a constant refrain in the Bible even in the WORST circumstances, we are invited to rejoice in the Lord.
There is power in joy.
Sex can be awkward, uncomfortable, and embarrassing just to name a few.
- And if there’s a playful culture in your marriage, it causes laughter.
- If there’s not, it causes distance because you both are trying to look better than you feel.
For both parties, they’re insecure around sex, so if your marriage is more playful…
- You’re not trying to be perfect in front of the other.
- You’re not trying to compete with the other.
- You’re not trying to change the other.
- You’re staying present and looking at the joyful parts of life together.
I think this episode will not only convince you WHY but also HOW to make your marriage, playful, safe and passionate.
Get the Wild Romance video training ($97 value) for FREE by leaving an iTunes Review and sending me a screenshot to belah at delightyourmarriage.com
If you need more instruction on how at www.delightyourmarriage.com/itunes
transcript
0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage. Welcome, welcome. This is belah rose, thank you so much for joining. Okay, if you were involved in last week’s episode, I want to just thank you so much, the response has just been overwhelming. And I just I’m so honored and grateful. So so many of you submitted reviews, I think, well, actually, I didn’t, I guess I checked two days ago or something. But in in only, what is that five days, there was 40 More iTunes reviews. So huge, huge thank you to you. And for those of you that did leave me a review, you emailed me at belah at delight, your marriage.com B L A H, and I sent you those videos. So if you listen to last week’s podcast, I specifically showed you exactly how to review especially on an iPhone. And if you have a Windows computer, or a Windows tablet, like you don’t have an iPhone or an iPad, then I have specific instructions at delight your marriage.com/itunes. And a lot of people also went through those instructions. And anyway, I was able to give you that free resource, those two video trainings that really help you to understand how to romance your wife, even while you’re at home. So I give you specific examples, I give you guidelines and even a couple of bullets that are specifically if you don’t get these things, right, it’s going to undermine everything. So I would love for you to have that video training. If you do, again, you are spreading this work. That is that is all on your opera opportunity. And I want to thank you so much for those of you that did that it it means the world to me. And again, there were so many beautiful comments, so much encouragement. So if you want to be part of that, just search on your iTunes podcast, app, search, delight your marriage, I click on the one scroll down to see the stars, click five stars. Type in a review that you think is going to encourage others to listen, take a screenshot email that to me at belah at delight your marriage.com and then you go ahead and submit that. And I will send you those video training. So thank you, thank you. Thank you, I again, my heart just goes out and appreciates each and every one of you that did that. All right, well, let’s talk about today’s topic around a culture that encourages intimacy in your marriage. playfulness. Now, you may be wondering, what does playfulness have to do with sex? How are those together at all? Well, my hunch is that when you guys started out in your marriage, and probably in your dating relationship, you were playful. There was flirting there was friendly, kind of banter back and forth. There was lots and lots of laughter. And then something happened with all of the responsibilities and stress and arguments and maybe criticism and playfulness just wasn’t something that happened in your relationship anymore. And maybe there was a lot of things that stopped happening in your relationship including romance and including sexual intimacy. But what playfulness shows is a level of safety in a relationship. It shows a level of safety in the relationship and sexual intimacy from a wife. wholehearted sexual intimacy can only come out of a culture of safety. She has to feel safe in her marriage or it’s not. It’s not with a whole heart. It’s not so if you look at your marriage, and you’re saying it’s not very playful, then I would encourage you to really listen because there’s a lot of reason for this. So I grew up in a home that was
4:47
playful sometimes like I had a lot of siblings. So there was there was playfulness. We lived in a farm, lots of land to run around. And so there was there was level of playfulness, which was great, which was great. But as I got older, and the stresses and I became more of an adult, and I just took things more seriously, and I was more productive, and I was really focused on productivity, in fact, I think because there was so much physical labor while I was growing up. I had it in my head that productivity equals righteousness. I think a lot of us in this culture feel that way. And it’s just not biblical. It’s it’s just not. And there’s, you know, Mary, and Martha, it’s very easy to see that productivity isn’t,
5:46
isn’t the highest value for God. So, so yeah, so I was very productive. And I mean, I liked to laugh. But I also didn’t feel like it was really a priority.
6:07
And it wasn’t until I can’t even remember, where I learned this, maybe it was a book or something. Or I heard something at some point that said something around like people, like people who laugh easily at their jokes, like, it just makes somebody drawn to you, if you laugh at them, like not not laugh at them, like, like, in a mean way, but laugh at the jokes that they make, or the funny things that they like, it just, it causes a connection. So if it’s hard to make you laugh, it’s it’s not a fun feeling for those that are around you. If if somebody tells a joke, and it falls flat, it’s not a fun feeling for the person that told the joke or tried to get people to laugh. It’s just not, you know, it’s a very cold kind of feeling. So anyway, so because I’ve always been one that really wants to make people feel comfortable in social situations, and in all situations, really, that, that laughter has always been a really big part of those situations. If you can’t feel comfortable, we can’t go deep. And that’s what’s very important in my coaching is that we go deep, and we go deep, fast, because if we don’t get there, then it’s just more head knowledge. And that doesn’t change your heart. So anyway, so I think laughter is very important. And I’ll tell you a couple of things about laughter, it actually makes you smarter. Yeah. So there’s this great book about negotiation. And it’s called never split the difference. And it’s not a Christian book, but it’s by a guy who was one of the top FBI hostage negotiators. And he talks about negotiation, but one of the things he talks about basically, to win over the enemy, is to make them smile, to make them laugh. So these are people he is negotiating for other people’s lives, and laughing about it, what and yet the reason is, is that builds trust, so that but it also makes you smarter, and it makes you more creative. So you and the other person are starting to think outside of the box, and you’re lowering the stakes, they’re starting to trust you. And another thing which is funny in this season, especially is that it improves your immune system. And I just think it’s, it’s amazing that God gave us this, this opportunity, it even talks about I was reading I don’t actually remember even where it was, but I was reading in the Bible. And it talks about Jesus rejoicing in the Holy Spirit. And it was just like, Oh, my goodness Jesus. And and I can imagine if children wanted to hang out with a revered Rabbi, I mean, he must have been a pretty good time to hang out with. I mean, people called him a glutton, and a drunkard because he would go to weddings, he would enjoy himself. He would have dinner with his friends, like clearly there there was, there was rejoicing going on. And that’s a consistent theme in the Bible. Consistently, even in the hardest times, and I want to make a light of what you may be going through and what the world is going through right now. There are so many people suffering, so many. And what I have found to be true and to give me encouragement is the joy of the Lord is my strength. God doesn’t want me sitting here wringing my hands saying, Oh, I can’t do anything. Oh, All these terrible things are happening, there’s nothing
10:03
there is, we’re supposed to be Jesus hands in the world. Now I’m not the head of a nonprofit, I used to work in nonprofit I know they’re horribly, like, not horribly funded, like I was just gonna say there, they always need more funding is what I’m trying to say. So I can’t be the hands, I can’t go out and do a nonprofit and, you know, specifically give to the people that are suffering all over the world. But you know what I can do, I can be the arms of those hands, I can financially give to the nonprofits. So if I’m so depressed by what is happening in the world, or any stressor in my life, at any season, if I’m so depressed, then I can actually be practically thinking creatively, thinking, positively thinking in a way that says, God, I trust you. In the midst of this, I can still have joy, then I can be thinking about what I can do to help. And most of the time, I can give money, there’s always that opportunity. So if you aren’t heading a nonprofit, God has probably purposed your wealth, to bless others in a very strategic wise way. So when I give to nonprofits, I make sure that those nonprofits are good stewards of the finances. Like I want them to be spreading God’s Word in a way that is very practical. So one of the things like that I have that I specifically give to is World Vision. I have toured one of their facilities, I have been able to speak to some people in different developing nations that have told me good things about World Vision. And so I that’s one that I just, you know, even without having all the time and effort to research all the different ones, that’s one that I’m just like, yes, use that. Anyway. So the point of the matter is, because bad things are happening. Yes, we are to grieve with those who are grieving, there is a time and place for that. But at the same time, Paul, while he was in prison, possibly awaiting execution said Rejoice in the Lord always. And again, I say rejoice. Do not be anxious for anything, but in everything, through prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, make your request be made, knowed known to God. And that some Philippians four, four, Rejoice in the Lord always again, I will say rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything. by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God, and the peace of God, which passes surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable. If there is any excellence, if there’s anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. I rejoice in the Lord greatly. That now at length you have revived your concern for me, and it continues. But Paul is literally in prison. And he is rejoicing in the Lord and he’s encouraging a group of people to rejoice in the Lord always. Let that be our stance, that when everyone in the world is concerned and worried, we can rejoice in the Lord and we that drives us to action. Paul was in prison, but he encouraged others drive you to action, to give money to be very practically helping others in this season. So why does this matter for your sex life? What is this matter for your marriage? I mean, it’s obviously a biblical notion. But sex can be very awkward. It can be uncomfortable, it can be embarrassing, just to name a few of the uncomfortable feelings that can go along with it. But
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if there’s a playful culture in your marriage, it causes laughter But if there’s not a playful, safe culture, it causes distance. Because you’re both are in a spot of like trying to look better for your spouse. And it’s like, I don’t know, I’m feeling uncomfortable, so you can’t be open about it. For both parties, if they’re sorry for both parties, they are insecure around sex. So if your marriage is more playful, you’re not trying to be perfect in front of the other, you’re not trying to compete with the other, you’re not trying to change the other, you’re staying present. And looking at the joyful parts of life, focusing on the funny and the interesting and the curious. So I really love a thinker, named Jordan Peterson. He is a psychologist and I heard an interview when he was talking about white collared workers versus blue collared workers. And one of the things that I think that he said that white collar workers have lost is the playfulness and the comic relief, that almost indefinitely like always happens in a blue collar worker environment. So he used to work in I can’t remember what he was what he was, I think it was the restaurant industry. And he just remembers being with all the guys and cutting up and you know, having fun inside jokes and being silly with just different things. And it made the day enjoyable. And it was it people liked coming to work and being there because the other guys had their back had the other guys back. And it was it was just a very playful environment. I mean, certainly the work was hard. But the levity that the guys did what made it much, much more bearable. And, and the truth is, I see that too. I see that in a lot of ways. But a lot of times white collared workers, there’s not that level of playfulness, there’s not that level of, of fun, working together. And so I say that because what I find is physical work, makes playfulness easier. Physical work makes playfulness easier if you have that perspective. So some kind of physical project, if you live on a farm, or you have physical things that need to be done. These are really good opportunities to be playful, really, really good ones. So I just remember some projects my husband and I took on when we were dating. One thing we did was read, we redid he was renting a room in a couple’s house when we were dating. And so it was the basement. And there was like a, just a junk room full of just, it was just so full of junk and dust and all that stuff. And I decided to give my new boyfriend a ridiculously expensive resin that I couldn’t afford, anyway. But I gave him a punching bag. And I thought it was a good way for him to get out some of his anger, rather than some of the more unhealthy ways that he was using at the time. And anyway, we spent several hours getting this whole thing like organized and cleaned and the whole room looked awesome. And we put curtains up so you couldn’t even see some of the junk and and then we put up this this great punching bag. And he used that and but it was the process of doing that together like created teamwork of I’m picking up something while he’s moving. The other thing and, you know, we had to pick up the heavy things together. And we had to creatively think, oh, where can we put this? How can we do this. And when you have the perspective of this is going to be a fun project. Rather than Oh, this is work and I hate it. The second stance of the the attitude you bring to a project is is it causes there to be stress rather than if it’s a physical project, it can actually bring you guys together. Here’s here’s why there’s so many opportunities for be like, Oh, wow, look at those muscles. I like what I’m seeing. Right. So that’s, that’s just a playful compliment, or something around like, wow, I didn’t even think of that idea. What a great idea. And it’s just inserting positivity in your relationship all the time. Whereas if you’re doing bills together, it’s a little harder to put that playfulness in there. I mean, you can just work at it.
19:51
So let’s talk about what playfulness is not. Playfulness is not mean teasing and something that If your partner is insecure about is off the table. So for me some things that are off the table are food, weight, physical characteristics in a negative way. So alright, the caveat is unless you both know it’s okay. So for example, my husband’s weight, he’s always been very healthy looking. When we started dating, he had a six pack, maybe an eight pack, I don’t know, but his muscles were cut. And now he’s got, he’s still extremely sexy. But you know what, he’s got a little bit of a dad bod. And, and he makes fun of that. Right? Like, I, I only do it because he does. But we we do it in a way. Like, I’m always complimentary about it. Like he’s got the sexiest DadBod there is, folks. So. But the point is, if he ever thought that my weight or my physical appearance is never on the table, I don’t care what I looked like when we first dated, I don’t care what I look like now, that is not allowed to be made fun of. So we all have our things, right? There are things that are are on the table for teasing and things that are off and you have to be very sensitive and just careful about that. Another thing that is, it’s not passive aggressive, right, playfulness that’s going to add to your marriage and be positive in your marriage is not passive aggressive. There’s not mean sarcasm, you have to be superduper careful that sarcasm is positive. And if you’re not sure it’s gonna land well, just don’t do it. Don’t do it. And sometimes, you know what, sometimes I’ll make a joke for my husband, and then I’ll be like, oh, shoot, does that hurt your feelings? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings on that. And that’s, that’s a very natural normal conversation. And again, it outlines the safety, I would never want to hurt his feelings by a playful remark. And so it’s good for me to to mention it and apologize if it did. And I’m grateful. Sometimes it does. Sometimes I I thought this was on the table. And it wasn’t and I’m sorry. And I didn’t mean to do that I was poking, you know, trying to try to be playful. And it’s worth it, it’s worth to try playfulness out. Because again, that just is a constantly making our marriage safer. The next thing is you want to be conscious of what level of playfulness that you’re at now. Because you always want to be moving things towards more safe and more playful. So you don’t want to like go to a 10 out of 10 playfulness when you guys right now or like two out of 10. And you know, if you just start teasing and being fun and relax like I am with my husband, well, you’ve got a process in order to get there. So you just start by little things, little things that may get a little bit bigger and more. Okay, so let’s talk about what playfulness is. Playfulness is making them look good. So if my husband corrects me about something instead of a fit being offended, which I really try not to be, but one of the things I do is I’m like, Wow, I’m so grateful I have such a smart husband. Look at that. That’s why I’m married you honey for those brains. And so I’m saying it in a tone that’s playful. I’m not saying it in a tone that sarcastic or mean, or passive aggressive. It’s really all about what how you say it. My husband sometimes says it’s less about what you say, and more about how you say it. Which is actually why I like podcasting more than I like writing because it’s very hard to like communicate tone. In in a in writing. So anyway, just FYI. Another thing is, you know, I, I’ll say things like when we have miscommunication, or we’re, we’re starting to get into some tense territory. I’ll try to make it a little lighter. You know, we’ll try to laugh about something if we can, if we can break the tension and laugh. Remember, that makes both of us more creative. It makes both of us smarter. It makes both of us trust more. So see what you can do to
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do that. Another thing is its physical, physical. I mean, you’re married to the person fiscals a great way. Tickling is a very big part of our marriage and our family. We’ve got two young boys so it’s a perfect thing that you know, I’ll take a look Little boys and then my husband’s nearby. So I’ll just tickle him a little bit. And then we’ll just have this great, huge tickle fight. And I don’t really like being tickled that much, but I will do it just so we can have belly laughs in our house. And that’s a consistent part of our culture. But yeah, touching is a big thing. For us. We live in a in a, in an apartment in New York City. So it’s very frequent that we get in each other’s way. And we’ve made it a game. And and it’s always been unspoken, but it only was in probably the last year that we realize that this is like, I didn’t even know the words to it. But yes, it’s getting each other’s way. But we’re very respectful in our home. So, you know, I’ll say, Oh, honey, would you mind if I reached over or like, you know, excuse me just a moment or whatever, we’re always being extremely respectful to each other. But because we have that baseline of I trust my husband, and know that he’s not like, I know he’s real, he respects me. So then kind of the next stage of that is playfulness on top of that respect. And so he’ll like, reach over to get a glass, but then he’ll fumble around with the glass. So I’m like, backed up kind of in a corner, trying to let him have his space to get the glass, but then he’s just pretending that it takes him 30 seconds to get the glass. So. So anyway, so so we do that kind of stuff all the time, where we’re getting in each other’s way, or like another thing, just the other day, my husband was holding me I was upset about something. I can’t even remember what it was now. But he was holding me to make me feel better. And, and then I’m, like, struggling to get in a comfortable position. But it keeps holding me too tight. So I can’t move and I’m like, Honey, I’d like to move my shoulder. And then he just laughs So I, then we’re both laughing because now I realize he was doing that on purpose. But because we have this like trust built up, you know, it’s a, it’s a, I guess the word is a positive feedback loop. Like because there’s playfulness, there’s trust. And because there’s trust, there’s playfulness. And it just goes in this really positive way up and up and up. So so yeah. So that’s that another thing is. So doing something a tiny bit too much, that makes both of you laugh, but doesn’t move into annoyance. So like if my husband just kept holding me like that, like that would be annoying. Like it would get to a place where I’d be like, stop doing that, right? Like it would just get too far. So it’s very light teasing, right? It’s it’s a physical aspect that that ends, once you realize the the teasing part, you don’t want to like, go and go and go and that that does become annoying. And then it lessens trust because it’s like, oh, okay, they don’t get that this has to stop at some point. Like even things like grabbing your wife and dancing with her, you know, and and singing the song that you guys have together. Like that would be fun. One thing to keep in mind is you can’t force your spouse to be playful. Like that’s, that’s the opposite of helpful. So, for example, my husband doesn’t like to dance. He’ll do it for me. And, but he’s just not, you know, I just like doing crazy things. Now, I’m not a dancer that has skill. Let me just tell you that I just like moving around and being silly. But so there’s a farmers market that is very close to our house every Saturday during COVID They’re not doing it but usually it’s every Saturday. So we’re standing out there with our kids are running around doing fun things on the on the rocks, and then we’re watching them and I don’t know I wanted to I wanted to dance. So I start singing a song that we we love together it goes. It was a song actually I sang at our wedding and it goes like this. I won’t give up on us. Even if this guy’s gang rough. I’m giving you oh my love. I’m still looking.
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Anyway, so I started singing that song because it was in my head and then I grabbed my husband and was like, I’d love to dance. Now I’m not forcing him to dance. I’m not even asking, Can we dance? I’m just saying I’d love to dance. And so that I just and he’s open to it. So I just hold his hand and I’m dancing and I’m twirling myself around and he’s just standing there. So It’s just adding playfulness. It’s just being silly together being fun together. But he’s, and then it’s I think he started twirling me around like he was engaged, he just doesn’t have to do what I think is gonna be fun. But he can be part of the experience, but he doesn’t have to, like, I’m not forcing him, or mad at him that he’s not dancing to. It’s like, No, this is just because it makes me smile. Um, another thing is kids are so great for being playful because they want that’s the that’s the natural state of children, they want to be playful. So it’s so easy to be playful with them and involve your spouse. Even things that I’m saying things to my husband, my kids, since compliments is such a common part of our lives saying things like isn’t papi amazing? You know, that’s normal to say. But then I might say that in a in a way, when my husband does something, like something wrong, or, you know, embarrassing, I could just be the case of papi amazing. And since that’s a normal thing, you know, so then we all laugh, right. And, and so it’s a great way to just include laughter and playfulness with your kids. Again, physical is so easy with kids because they, they always want you to pick them up or tickle them or, or wrestle with them or what have you. And, and that’s just so easy to put playfulness. So of course, and I kind of touched on this already, playfulness does have limits, you’ve got to consider the situation is now the time to tease are these the people around which duties. So for example, my husband has, like my husband and I have things that we can tease each other about, not around other people. But when we’re around other people, I would never say that in front of other people just like He would never say that about me in front of other people. In front of other people, it’s really the opportunity to encourage even in a playful way your spouse. But it’s really not about teasing, like when you’re around others, there’s a whole different level, you you would want to say encouraging things around about them. The other thing about being playful, is it is vulnerable, and it is risky. Just expect that like it is going out of your way to do something that could fall out flat. And that’s okay. So but this is the most, this should be the safest person in the world. And if they are not the safest person in the world, becoming the person that makes your your your marriage playful, causes it to become safer, and your spouse to become safer. But you’ve got to do the work first. And you’ve got to be on undefendable one of my students read that and recommended to me I have not read it yet, but I love the concept. And I I’m going to read it I read through the table of contents the other day, and it just feels Yeah, we can’t be offended. That’s, that’s messing up the whole thing. So once I read it, I’ll be able to recommend it, but they recommend it. The other thing is it requires you to prioritize peace. If there’s not peace in your marriage, it’s just not gonna work. You can’t have playfulness, and then accusations and assaults in the same day like just not. So you need an environment of peace, you need to just decide I’m not going to have arguments with my spouse, it’s not worth it. I love a phrase I heard recently is, is hold your preferences lightly. The major things are few and far between honestly, they’re few and far between. And so that’s fine, you have to have, you have to confront the major things, but be strategic about it. If you’re at a place where you’re already at odds, then you are not going to effectively come to a good result resolution on the big things. So let go of the little things, the little things that are mostly just about your preferences, and instead latch on to peace and playfulness and creating a good environment, making sure there’s good blood between you two before you ever try to tackle a difficult thing. So stop the direct assaults be open about the things that are good. Openness is not the same as honest. You can be honest,
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by sharing the good things because they’re there. But if you’re only looking at the bad things and being open about the bad things, it’s not going to get you guys forward. It’s not going to move you guys forward. So be honest, but don’t be open about everything be wise about what you share. So disciplines to adopt Insert level levity around situations. So instead of blowing up about spilling all the beans on the floor, think about how this will be a funny story later. Don’t curse, don’t even breathe heavy, keep it light, I have possessions that I love, and sometimes they break. And a lot of times I break them. So it’s like, okay, well, it’s more important to me to laugh and have a good environment than my home than it is for me to have a lot of nice stuff. It’s just not, it’s what’s really going to be valuable in eternity. Well, my husband’s relationship with Jesus and my kids relationship with Jesus, they see me more than anyone else. And if I am I am a terrible character in the home. What? Like, what is that teaching them? Like? Those are the two people for sure are in my assignment, or my husband, my kids, that is for sure. In my assignment, and the other people, for example, do I am I think you guys are in my assignment. I think that, that my coaching clients are I mean, that’s, I believe I have faith for but my kids and my husband are for sure, in my assignment. And so if I’m not loving them in a way that attracts them towards Jesus, then I’m missing it, I’m missing the boat. So they see me when I respond to my favorite mug breaking, which happened yesterday or something, I just a lot of times for me, it’s easier for me to okay, I broke something. So I just, I just leave it there for a while. It’s easier for me to do that. Then like jump up, sweep it up, have all this adrenaline rush and negativity and all that. I’m just like, I’ll get it. I’ll get it a little later. I’ll deal with the emotional sadness later. And it just keeps me calm. I don’t curse I don’t get upset, I don’t have a breather. I’m just like, well, it’s just a mug. I’m so glad I had it for the year that I had it when I thought it was so beautiful. And luckily, I have a lot of other mugs, so I’m just fine. I’ll be just fine without those mugs. The other thing it is is a wonderful and this is just a side thing is like treasures in heaven guys, you know, when when things break when, when you get some varmint in your house, and you have to throw away a bunch of things like it’s, it’s, it’s great that God reminds you your treasures are in heaven. Like stop. It’s it’s a support for you to not be so attached to physical things. It’s a it’s a discipline in your heart, my treasures are in heaven, like the mug was not a treasure. Like, wasn’t that big of a deal. Like, it’s sad, I wish I had it, but it’s not a big deal. In the grand scheme of the way God wants me to think about life, it’s a grace that I don’t feel committed to a bunch of things. Another thing is insert compliments. I talked about that already. But um, insert compliments like don’t, you know, I suggest start out with three compliments a day, but up that eventually to like 10 compliments a day. And you can be complimenting anything and everything from physical features, to their character, to their personality to what they like and dislike. I mean, just just compliments, just throw them out there. It’s vulnerable. It takes practice to get good at it, but it’s worth it. Another thing is insert gratitude. That’s something that even the portion of Scripture that I just read to you, it talks about thankfulness. The Bible is constantly talking about thankfulness to God, even in the worst situations. It’s a command to be thankful to not forget what God has done, that’s good. Like, we can look out of our window and see the glory of God when He made trees and birds and grass. And, you know, wherever you are in the world, wherever you see outside of your window, thank God for that amazing stuff. Amazing stuff. Another thing is insert positive reflections. So I love to reflect I love to write in my journal. And it really depends on the questions you ask on how good your answers are. Like it’s really about questions. So
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how have I grown in the last year? That’s a beautiful question because it focuses your mind on the positive on the ways that God’s growing you the way he’s shaping and changing and the good things, the good results, if even difficult circumstances. So you make your reflections like really good questions. And that again, also takes practice to make really good questions. But you could also say like things to your spouse, right? Like how do you feel like you’ve been growing in the last year how, you know, what are some of the if you’re not, again, that that requires a level of safety, right? So if you’re not at that level of safety in your marriage, you could say things like what if what if What were some of the parts of today that were your favorite? What are some of your favorite parts for today? Or what did you find that was really fun that we did the last week, or these are some things that these are good questions. You also have to be attentive to your husband or your wife’s personality, maybe there are certain questions that will make them uncomfortable, and you don’t have to force them to be uncomfortable, you can find a friend to have those conversations with. But these are all just ideas that may help you to get things more playful. The other thing is, don’t take yourself so seriously. Perfection, doesn’t need Jesus. We are not aiming for perfection. We are aiming to look like Jesus while we walk alongside him. While we have the Holy Spirit inside of us while we listen to God. That’s our aim. That’s our aim, we will look like him as we surrender to Him, but not as we say, okay, Jesus, I’ve got it from here, I’m going to be perfect. I’m going to guard myself, I’m going to do all the all the stuff perfectly. That’s not God’s request, his request is walking alongside him, trusting Him, learning from him growing from him, but not getting all guarded and afraid and being perfect. Also, the other thing I mentioned, don’t take possessions. So seriously, that’s just a really good thing. Be a little bit more laid back. And I say that to myself, as much as I say that to you. I love this phrase I saw, we were in Philadelphia, and there was a I don’t even know, it was like I guess it was underneath of a thorough way. I don’t even know what to call a cars passed on top. And there was like a pillar. And it was written in big chalk. And it said things are why we can’t have nice people. Things are why we can’t have nice people. And I loved it. I loved that. And it was, it’s so clear to me that so many times we value possessions above people. And so I want to invite you to just take a step back be a bit more laid back to realize your husband matters more than the to do list that you want him to accomplish. Like a playful, intimate marriage is far more important than whether or not the back porch gets painted. Like it’s just not as important guys. And it doesn’t have to happen on your timetable. Like there are things that I have indicated to my husband that I’d love. You know, this fixed, but you know what it happens a month later. So what we were in a great space of fine and warmth and in generosity between each other. My kids flourished for a month and then this thing got done. Like how cool is that? That I have someone that does things that I don’t have to do like That’s amazing. Doesn’t have to be the day I say it? No, it doesn’t have to be the month I say it doesn’t have to be the year I say it. Does our house look perfect? No. No, it doesn’t. Do I have my priorities straight? I think so. I think so. My husband loves me, he feels loved by me. He’s attracted to Jesus through my love for him. My kids now i i definitely make mistakes as a mom, guys. That’s why I’m not a mom, coach. But I will say that I do my darndest I do try hard to be the mother that they need me to be to, again, attract them towards Jesus, through my relationship and love for them. All right, well, let me go ahead and pray for you. I hope this has been encouraging. I hope this has encouraged you.
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Father, I pray in Jesus name that you would give the husband or the wife encouragement. Help them to see that playfulness is important. And maybe it has been something that they have thought only the Pollyannas or the people that don’t recognize the severity of eternity do. But I truly think that this is part of a gift that you have given your people to have your joy, to have your joy and your peace and gentleness, like all those things are required for a playful marriage. And I think it goes straight into their physical oneness, their intimacy, it is a reflection of their character. So God I just pray, Lord, that the person listening would value having fun in their marriage. It would be more important than getting things done or protecting their possessions or being angry at each other for the hurts and the pains and I just asked for, for a release of some of that that pain and that baggage and decision to be playful to be a little bit more relaxed to rejoice have joy in Jesus name. Amen. All right, listen, thank you again for joining me. I believe that playfulness and fun and joy is very important, even in the hardest seasons. So I hope that this is going to encourage you in this time, it’ll make it easier for your spouse for what they’re dealing with as well. The other thing is, thank you again, for the iTunes reviews, I would again be so honored, if you would take the moment to do that. And you will get a free gift. So just take a screenshot and email it to me b e l a H at delight your marriage.com and I will email you this wonderful video training that is approximately $97 value. So I would love love, love to send that to you because I think it’s going to be really great insight and teaching for you. Already will God bless you and we’ll talk next week. Thank you so much. Bye