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This is probably THE question I hear in one way or another over and over again.

Lights off, sheets up and “vanilla” sex is the refrain that is very frequent.

Why is she like this?

How can this change?

What about specific things she’s squeamish about like “intimate photos of us”, anal sex, and mirrors?

All that is covered in our conversation! Especially for men, but helpful for women!

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In the Masculinity Reclaimed: Be respected, enjoy fierce intimacy and love being married again!

You’ll learn how to strategically transform your marriage so she WANTS to enjoy sex with many new positions, visuals and variety…

…a 92% success rate!

We are launching very soon (and won’t be opening up the doors til next year!) so go to delightyourmarriage.com/menstraining to get all the details!

trnscript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage. All right, welcome. Thank you so much for joining me, this is belah rose. And today I want to talk about how to help her to have sexual freedom, which I think is on a lot of husbands minds. When they got married, it seemed like things were great, and there was lots of freedom. And then now there’s not so I want to talk about that. And before I do, right now, there is a free men’s training, all about getting her to actually want intimacy. So it’s almost like the continuation of this conversation, I’m going to dabble in some things here. But the five part video training is available for a limited time for free. So if that is something you really want to get this, which most men do, you just go to delight your marriage.com/ Men’s training, you sign up, and you’ll have access to that free video training. But like I said, this is going to be taking down here shortly. And you know, I get emails from people that are like I heard about a previous training, is that still available, and it doesn’t, I don’t make it available again, until the next time I choose that that’s the right time to make it available. And sometimes I don’t, because I’m just not able to support people in that zone at that particular time. So all that to say, is I want to invite you to to take action, and get on this video training series, which each video is about. Now, I don’t know the first couple, maybe around 30 minutes, the last couple, maybe a little less, maybe a little more. So there’s real meat in there. And I make sure my husband watches the videos especially. And they’re produced and they’re, they’re well done. I’ve heard from other people that have watched it and the value they’ve gotten even clients that have watched the video training has felt like they have gotten value from this free training. So I encourage you to do that. But yeah, my husband was like, yeah, there’s a lot in there. So go to delight your marriage.com/ Men’s training. So yeah, so how do you help your wife have sexual freedom? Well, there’s a few things to be aware of. And I’m gonna touch on these a bit. But one is, how has your wife been raised, if she was raised in a Christian home, a lot of times

3:02
it wasn’t talked about. And it was kind of like this idea of safe sex, safe sex, for marriage, safe sex for marriage, and then they get married. And then silence. There’s no like, what? Now here’s how to do it, get all the cool stuff out, we’re gonna do some real great things in your marriage. It’s just just nothing. It’s just nothing. And so if that’s where your wife is coming from, it’s important for you to have grace with her in that and and to recognize that this is going to be a process and you’re not going to force your way into making her change in that way. It is step by step, which is why I say over and over again, that there has to be strategy around it, that you just don’t approach anything else in your life without wisdom. But why do you approach your wife thinking that I’m just going to muscle my way through this direct as the best approach, it’s like, you don’t do that with your boss, you don’t do that with your career. Usually do that in any other area. You think about your goal, and then you figure out the steps to get there. So if you want her to have more sexual freedom, some of the things to be thinking about is what does she associate with sex that is negative. So a lot of women associate the sin that’s in our world. It’s just flat out sin, but sadly, most men are exposed to it even at a young age is X rated stuff. And that then, is in a wife’s mind of that sin. And I don’t want to be associated with that sin. Not even close. I don’t even want his mind to go there. Because I am a holy saintly woman that God wants me to be, which is exactly who God wants you to be as a woman, there are women that are going to listen to that. So I’m also going to, you know, here and there, speak to women, but for the most part, this is this is for, for Christian men. So if you think about what your wife is going through, it may be more effective for you to know how to get to the next step. So rather than thinking that the more I say these words, the more she’s going to get used to it. The thing is, it’s actually going to repel her from it. So if you are saying words that again, appear in X rated stuff, she’s going to be thinking, Oh, my gosh, he’s thinking of that stuff when we make love. And making love is supposed to be this holy bond between he and I spiritual, and he’s bringing in all that filth, and then she’ll resist it. Is that making sense? That is a huge insecurity for women, especially women. Like if you even faintly know that your wife is uncomfortable with pornography, then this is your wife. And the truth is, I’ve never met a woman. I do actually, I have met one. She’s a she’s an anomaly to me, and she wasn’t a client also. But like Christian women, that’s not something they’re comfortable with, or wanting their husband to partake in. Instead, it makes her insecure, very insecure, thinking that you’ve had sexual experience with others, and you’re comparing her to others. So when you think that the more I say these things, the more I ask for these new things, whether it’s positions or activities, or what have you, the more she’s going to open up to it, the truth of the matter is, the more she’s going to close off to it, because she’s going to be reminded, oh, he was exposed to that stuff. I’m not interested, you go do your sinful stuff, if that’s what you have to do, but I, I’m not interested in in being your replacement for that sinful stuff. Does that make sense? Now, as as a as a, because I do this work, and because God’s, you know, opened my eyes, to the way men think in a lot of ways.

7:30
I know that you are not replacing her. With pornography, it’s actually the opposite pornography has taken what sex is supposed to be and commercialized it and and made it this this sinful, you know, amusement park, instead of all of that good, exciting stuff that makes you you know, chemically addicted to it should be what’s happening in your marriage. The only problem is, the context is wrong. It should be in your lifelong committed relationship only between the two of you, in thought, and indeed, that’s that’s the problem with the acts of pornography, it’s not the acts themselves. God’s idea was sex and the excitement in sex. So as a woman, it’s our opportunity to look at sex in that way that your husband is not wrong, for wanting the things that are represented in pornography. The issue is, it shouldn’t. Again, it’s it’s not supposed to be out there for everyone to see this. This is a this is a private enjoyment. It’s private passion. It’s private excitement between you and your spouse. That’s the That’s the God ordained way of exciting sex. So how do you help your wife become more comfortable with that passion and excitement? Because that’s the block is she thinks you want her to be a porn star. And she’s not interested in that. So if she even thinks that there’s a hint of that in your sex life, she thinks it’s sin, and she thinks you’re getting it from the sin. So when I talk about there’s a difference between masculine and feminine sex. I guess another way of talking about it is there’s a difference between fierce and passionate sex. I talk about these two different types of sex because whether you’re a man or a woman Both types of sex can excite us, both types of sex we can enjoy, and even learn to enjoy if we seem to not naturally enjoy it. The reason I differentiate it because masculine and feminine sex is because just the way that the media companies have evolved over time, is by male leadership. That means that what men want in sex is presented in our society the most. So I just talked about pornography, the vast majority of that is produced by men. And, yeah, that’s just to say that just blanket and produced and for male audiences. And again, like I said, women can enjoy masculine sex too. So women can get turned on by that and also be addicted to that. Again, that’s not the that’s not the right thing to do. Right, I tried to make that clear, that is sinful, that is against God’s word. The other thing that infiltrates all areas of our society is movies that are R rated, or PG 13, or even PG or even G.

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I mean, you’ve got hourglass shaped princesses in Disney. I mean, there is this pervades everything. The top tier leadership of movies are male, and I’m talking directors, videographers, the people that are responsible for giving us the content are men. And so obviously, they’re going to find camera angles that show the cleavage, and they’re going to find, you know, the tight, they’re going to directors are going to require the superduper tight outfits and, and then that pervades women’s perspective of what sex is supposed to be. And when I talk about the vast majority, I’m literally talking about 96% of the top 100 Video movies of a recent year was male leadership, I can’t actually remember what year it was if it was 2017 or 16, or something like that. But it was male directed male led leadership. And that just means that we’re not getting woman’s values and woman’s sexual desires really, on on film, which is probably because women are like, that stuff belongs in the bedroom. Like it’s a little easier for women to wrap our head around the fact that sex is supposed to just be in your marriage. But for men, it’s like, no, it’s exciting. They hate to be doing that and open like, no, come on guys. And you know, the Bible says over and over and over again. It talks about how adultery leads to death. And Jesus says lusting after a woman in your own heart is adultery. Which means when we are watching even PG 13 rated movies, and there’s a very attractive sexually clad woman on there. And men lust after her that that’s considered adultery and the Bible talks about it Lee it’s it’s literally destroying his soul. So this is a big, big deal that this not happen

13:58
for you as a man so as a woman I use this metaphor a lot, but for me and a lot of women, we have our own issues, right we have our own things we

14:17
deal with. And so for me, it was eating and by God’s grace has given me a ton of freedom around that every now and then I have like a little blooper and it’s like, Oh, dang it. I

14:34
thought I was done with this but least I’m a heck of a lot better than I was. And, but I know that when I have that blooper, it affects everything negatively in my life, like it just does. Anyway, so it’s really a spiritual discipline to have this in the right zone. So that’s just a note. But eating for me was was was a challenge. The thing is As my husband didn’t drive me to eat, he wasn’t the one that was like he’s not responsible for my food addictions. The thing is, though, he was an incredible healing balm for it. Which I’m trying to say is that as a wife, she is not responsible for your fidelity, and your faithfulness to what God is instructing of you. She may be an incredibly healing and helpful balm for you with sex addiction, and I’ve heard from too many men, that pornography affects everything, it affects their ability to focus and their their feelings of hopefulness and life and all of these, these non spiritual things, but it also affects their relationship with Jesus because the shame, the knowledge of the sin, like it’s so obvious, I’ve heard non Christians talk about just feeling afterwards, this, this, this weight, and this, this shame. Like, there’s no way to be proud of what just happened. So when I, when I do talk to women, though, it’s important to realize if you are a woman listening, that when you listen, when you look at the Bible, and it says, just the concordance search of do not commit adultery, or is just humongous. But when you look at the Bible, and you see all of that, the wise wife looks at that. And instead of saying, Yeah, I know don’t commit adultery, he should not be doing that stuff. Like he, the thing is, what we should be seeing in that is, wow, sex is powerful. And it is tempting for our husbands. I need to be so encouraging and inviting and helping him avoid the worst thing. Because it’s that tempting. I mean, the the wisest men in the whole Bible, aside from Jesus fell, because of sexual temptation. I’m talking about King Solomon, like this, this means the wisest, and he went away from God because of women, because he just couldn’t get enough of all those concubines, and wife and all equaling sex, he wasn’t looking to have conversations with all those fascinating women. Like, this is what we’re talking about. And so, as women, we have an opportunity to be free and sex and, and to discipline our minds, to not bring pornography into the bedroom. Let me tell you what I mean. I’ve heard women say that not just one women, this that this is, I’ve heard this frequently is that my she may be came into the marriage feeling a lot more free. And then she found out about his pornography. And she found out he’s been exposed to so much. And that really took her for a loop. And she just became much less sexually interested in free and just feeling really insecure. Which then made her back away from sex, and be insecure about it and not want to do it and not feel good enough. The thing that I work to help women realize is that even though you think that your husband was the one that brought pornography into your marriage bed, I get that that was that is sinful, that is wrong. Yes. If a wife is continuing to put those images in her own mind, that she’s calling into her own memory, that oh, he seen things before, he only wants me to do this position because this is what he saw or those kinds of things. When you are putting that in your own mind. You are actually the one that is keeping pornography in your bedroom.

19:28
What I hear from men is that it is not hard for them to stay present when sexual intimacy is going on with their wife. No, no, no, they are. They’re They’re excited. They want those visuals, they’re like, their wife is incredible. And it’s not because their wife is, you know, a supermodel but they are thrilled to see and feel and be with who their wife is. It is the women who have trouble Being present in sex. So when I say men are not bringing pornography into the bedroom, it’s the women that are keeping pornography in the bedroom. It’s our opportunity, not just our opportunity, it’s our responsibility as women to not allow the enemy to ravage our mind with insecure thoughts, because we’re like, well, he seen this before, because I know. And then you’re putting these images in these visuals in your own head of like, well, he must be thinking about this, and this and this. And I’m not going to do that, because I look silly here. And I don’t look like that girl and data, data data. And I say this, obviously, because I’ve been there. So this is not the easiest thing. But I, I hope it gives you a sense of awareness that you think it’s all his problem, but now you are keeping this sin in your marriage bed. So it’s up to you to discipline your mind, to have confidence in intimacy. I truly think that confidence is a discipline. I don’t think it’s natural, necessarily. I mean, certainly some people it seems like they have a leg up on it. But for all of us, it’s it’s rinse and repeat, we’ve got to keep it up. You know, I think they say like, motivation is like showering, it’s a, you’ve got to get motivated, then go shower again and do it again. I mean, it’s the same thing with confidence you, there are certain tricks and certain things that you have to do. But really, it’s a discipline of staying confident of choosing, this is God’s will, for my marriage is an exciting, wonderful sex life. And I’m not going to let the enemy destroy it. Because of the sin that went on in my husband or my past. It’s just not, I’m not going to allow the enemy to be in the midst of our marriage here. Because that’s what’s happening. That’s what you’re allowing by the insecurity around sexual freedom. So if the question is, how can you help your wife have more sexual freedom, the first thing is the back off, to back back off. Again, you can’t expose her to all this language and all these positions, all this stuff, and think she’s going to be okay with that, that’s gonna make her think it’s like pornography. So instead have the strategy of I’m going to do beautiful romantic language around sex, I’m going to tell her her body stunning and beautiful. And look at her with amazement at her body. Again, you want to move into feminine sex, which is going to heal her way of understanding masculine sex. But you you move hard into feminine sex, which is much slower, much more meditative. There’s so much more I teach on this. But this is kind of the the cliffnotes here is that you, you move into the stuff that she is okay with. And slowly by strategy, you eventually get to a place where she’s okay with both and both are a part of your sexual intimacy. But recognize that her type of sex is not is not bad, or worse than what you’re attracted to. Pornography is not the pinnacle of great sex, not even close. It’s one type of sex that men are attracted to.

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But she will be freer in the type that she is attracted to, and feels good about. And slowly, slowly, slowly, you’ll get to a place where both are wonderfully encouraged and a joy in your marriage. A couple of just specific questions that people have had over the years that I just want to address that would be good is given all this our images sinful. So for example, if husband wants to take images, take pictures of his wife naked or in certain positions or that kind of thing, is it sinful? The reason I think women are concerned about this is because it’s reminiscent of pornography. Why should he want images? Didn’t he see these bad images data? So again, the reason the other stuff is sinful is because it is not between a husband and wife and other people are involved. The images themselves are not so The fact that it is an image is not sinful a lot of times, it is very attractive for him to remember the things that went on between the two of you. And images are a really great part of that. The other thing is a lot of times images are different perspectives, then what he’s able to see in the position or the perspective he can see. So sometimes a picture actually shows him something that he wasn’t able to see before. And women, we don’t get it, there is no way for us to get why that’s so important to him, but it is. So we just have to trust, it’s that important. The other thing is like, this is actually a really great thing to keep in mind as a wise wife is putting up a mirror in in a way, even like a standing mirror, now there’s going to be a rush on target for standing mirrors, or wherever they sell them Wayfarer, maybe. But anyway, a standing mirror, because you can change the the angle, you can move it around the bedroom, whatever. But like he loves that, and one of the reasons is, is he can see so much more he can see your whole body or you can see a totally different position or, again, ladies, we don’t get it. But just just trust your husband loves it. And it is good. In your marriage. There are certain things that God gives us boundaries around in intimacy. And the major the theme throughout is it has to be in thought and indeed, between a husband and a wife. That’s that’s the boundary. People have asked is sodomy wrong. And the interesting thing is, I’ve done a pretty extensive lesson on this. And you know, what I think the easiest thing to do is because I want to convince you of all the specific Hebrew words and that kind of stuff, I have a write up of it. So if this is something you’re interested in, you can go to delight your marriage.com/s od, just to make it a little easier for you to digest the the link and I’ll send that to you, I’ll send that right up. So go to delight your marriage.com/s od.

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Great. Well, I want to just encourage you if you’re a husband, that by God’s grace, my masculinity reclaimed Program is a program where I help men understand strategy for transformation for their wife. And what if I told you that it could take just three months and has a 92% success rate, you’d probably want to know what that is. Well, I am launching this masculinity reclaimed, be respected, enjoy fierce intimacy, and love being married again. I’m launching that for the next the next season. And at this point, I think I’m only going to start launching this once a year, which means that it’s kind of like a now or 12 months from now. And that’s why I’m doing this men’s training. There’s a ton of free really important content in the men’s training and the final video, I’m going to be inviting you into the masculinity reclaimed program and really understanding all that it entails. Because I have worked really hard to make this the best ever. And I’ve been tweaking it and changing it and shifting it because I want this for your marriage. But listen, a free podcast episode is not going to fix it. This is a big issue. It’s a lifelong issue. A lot of times people come to me and they have been married 40 plus years. And because the man makes the changes, things transform in their marriage. I’m serious. This has happened more than once. I’m not just thinking of one particular but like decades of years that she wasn’t open to certain things. She was against it in fact, and within days in my program, I would say weeks let me not exaggerate. Within weeks of my program, she is apologizing. Even if she didn’t know he was taking the program. Like God is good. God does things. But it does require your intentional effort. Let me tell you something as a husband that may be thinking well, it’s my wife. She’s the problem here. What I have sadly seen is I have worked with women in my delighted wife program, which is an awesome program and I’ll be launching that several months from now. But I have had women take that program and do all this stuff. All the exciting bells and whistles. Uh, you know, it’s a deep dive into all the cool stuff a really, she’s done it all. And then her husband became because he didn’t understand his parts to play actually undermined it. Like literally totally undermined it, and they’re back at square one. And she’s more resentful and more against it because he didn’t get it. He didn’t understand his role, and how to bring her to sexual freedom. And so this is my system. This is the V system, the proven process, step by step by step, week, one, week, two, week, three, three months for transformation in your marriage, like, that’s what this is about. So I want you to learn more, you can go to delight your marriage.com/ Men’s training. And you can really find out what this is all about. But like I said, in just a short while I’m going to be launching this class is a live class to give you live, tailored advice, tailored support, and there’s tons more bonuses and exciting things. For example, one bonus I’ll just say, one of the, just some of my favorites is a awaken her sexuality. So it’s very specific, and it’s not something I’m offering outside of the masculinity reclaimed program. So there’s so much opportunity for transformation, even for those that have barren, sexless like literally sexless for months, and years. And it’s a 92% success rate. So I think you owe it to yourself and your family. To at least find out the details and go to delight your marriage.com/ Men’s training, you get a free training as well as an invitation into the masculinity reclaimed program, be respected. Enjoy fierce intimacy and love being married again. So go there now before you forget, and and miss this opportunity. I’m not sure when you’re listening to this if you’re listening to this in the present or the future, hopefully it’s still available for you. Alrighty, God bless you and I look forward to seeing you on the other side of the men’s training. Bye