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With so much going on in the world, I think people are making big changes in their lives.
Given that people are becoming more aware of their own mortality, I think its making them decide to take action.
My encouragement in today’s podcast: 256-How to Not Fail at Marriage, comes from a failure at marriage –ehemm –me!
When my first marriage failed I blamed him. When my second marriage was on the rocks, I realized I was the common denominator.
When I transformed myself, I witnessed this man change before my very eyes.
Now, that I work with many men and women from around the world, I wish I understood these truths and the essential Framework a wife and husband needs to not fail at marriage. And in fact thrive.
This episode is for you if your marriage isn’t what you think it could be. I’d encourage you, if you know someone in that spot, this may be the perfect opportunity to send them insights that very well may transform their marriage.
None of us know when it’s our time and God calls us home.
But right now, God has given us our spouse as the most important human relationship and I hope you honor it as such.
On today’s show I cover:
-The 3 things men need to feel fulfilled in marriage
-The 3 things women need to feel fulfilled in marriage
-This Framework is what men and women need to understand to love each other the way the other receives love (hint: it’s different for each spouse)
-What I wish I had known about sexual intimacy in my first marriage
-Why we are more respectful to strangers than our own life partner
If you are new to the Delight Your Marriage philosophies, this is a really good introduction. If you’ve been around for a while “repetition is the mother of learning” so I encourage you to take these insights too!
Find a deeper understanding of the Framework here!
Love & blessings,
Belah
PS – I’d love to invite you to send this to a friend if they’re facing marriage challenges right now, this could save their marriage.
transcript
0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage. Hi, there, welcome. This is belah rose. Now today I am kind of writing this open letter, if you will, to many, many couples who go through these cycles. But I’m going to kind of personify it as if I was talking about just one couple. But I just see these patterns over and over and over again where a couple starts off in love so happy together. And then slowly things break down. I mean, just completely. And so whether it’s because of poor role modeling trauma, a tragic past, I mean, so many difficulties. But I think there is a way forward. And that’s what I want to talk about. I’m not interested in digging into everybody’s past and, you know, doing therapy while I’m on a coaching call, like that’s not, that’s not what this is. But it is as like, what is our path forward? How can we move past this? So listen in with a curiosity of, you know, maybe you’ve had some friends that have gotten divorced, maybe you’ve gotten divorced? What happened in that situation? Why did it happen? And in a lot of ways, these are principles that I’ve developed because they can go across the board. So often, it’s loving your spouse, the way they receive love, to heal the situation to heal. So do I run the risk of being too simple in this podcast? Yes. Things may be too simple. But I think if I don’t give you some really strong principles to hold on to it, it becomes noise in a way that it doesn’t stick with you. Repetition is the mother of learning. And so my encouragement to you is to listen to this and really catch the principles that can guide you forward to a better marriage, a better relationship, and one that doesn’t end in divorce, the one that ends in generosity and playfulness, and intimacy in all ways. So let’s go ahead and dive in
2:48
All right, so let’s say that the couples have been married for going on 20 years, let’s say they started off loving Debbie happy and love. She used the you know, stereotype wife, beautiful, full time caretaker of the kids. He is the the manly man who brings home the bacon, and they just have this, you know, happily ever after starts to their marriage. And then what happens? Well, maybe kids come along, maybe they, you know, start bickering of little things. And pretty soon it becomes a lot of strife. The kids notice turns into some pretty difficult situations, whether it’s big arguments, divorces thrown around. Both of them have unhealthy coping mechanisms. You know, whatever it is, they both feel lonely and sad, even though they’re married. So I know this story intimately because I had this story with my first marriage. Now we didn’t have kids by God’s grace. But we this was our story. So though I’m talking kind of in the third person in this story, I’m kind of talking about as though I’m mentioning a whole different set of, of people and all that. But I will say this is the pattern I see over and over and over again. And the reason why couples break up and the things I wish they would learn. So I hope you listen with a opportunity of how does this impact me? And what can I glean from this? And, you know, if we don’t learn from other people’s mistakes, we’re bound to repeat them, which is the sad truth. So my encouragement is, is to listen in and and see what may have went wrong in somebody else’s story. So what do I think was missing in this couple? Well, I think the first and foremost is understanding that God is first Your marriage is second, and your kids are third? And then after that, everything else work, etc, etc. And what is it that a man needs to feel loved? And what is it that a woman needs to feel loved? And I think both of them had a misunderstanding of that. I think they both thought there was an intuition that that their spouse would just pick up on that they just knew how to how to love the spouse well. So here’s, here’s what the framework is. And you can actually find out more about it at delight your marriage.com/framework. But let me tell you, for husbands, they need to feel respected, they need to feel admired, and they need wholehearted sexual intimacy. And for wives, they need to feel known. They need to feel safe. And they need to feel wholeheartedly cherished. So, because men go first, right, Adam and Eve, even though Eve might have bitten the apple first, Adam was the one that took the response needed to have taken the responsibility per per what God said. So Adam, so let’s talk about this gentleman. The things that I think he he missed on is respecting his wife’s boundaries, is understanding who she is being aware that she is her own woman, and she gets to make her own decisions. And if she doesn’t want to do something, she doesn’t have to do it. Her feelings get to be her feelings. And when I say known, I think he did know her, I think he was aware. But I don’t know if he made it clear to her that he appreciated her uniquenesses as a woman. And so that might be something to be thinking about. If you’re making your wife feel known as a woman. Different than every other woman, different than the every other woman out there, that she is unique, that there are elements of her that God created that are in no other woman out there. The next piece is what she safe.
7:43
So when addiction is involved in any relationship, it is extremely unsafe for a woman. So whether it’s any kind of addiction, whether it’s a drug and alcohol, porn, you know, and all on the list of addictions, whatever it may be, the feeling of safety gets removed, because suddenly this person is not consistent and is not trustworthy. So if it were some kind of drug or alcohol addiction, then it’s I don’t know who he is going to be when when he comes home. I don’t know where he’s going to be I don’t know if the money is going towards the kids schools, or is it going towards something? Yeah, something something very bad. So when a feeling of safety is removed from a wife, it’s scary. It’s fearful. She can’t trust and so her response to that is a natural control. When you’re afraid you you grab on to something really tight. And so no, she can’t be the relaxed, carefree at peace surrendered wife that a husband craves because she’s afraid. She’s afraid. And so, yes, addiction is one way that a wife doesn’t feel safe. But another way that men don’t realize is when she feels pressured for sex, that makes her feel unsafe. It makes her feel forced and pushed, and pressured. And any, any possibility that he might stray from the marriage because she’s not fulfilling him sexually is is a an affront. It’s an assault on the marriage. So that’s, that’s what I think happened in those ways. And then the final piece of the framework is wholeheartedly cherished. And when a wife feels wholeheartedly cherished there, there’s just appreciation. There’s a sense of oh my gosh, honey, thank you for Taking care of the kids or making dinner or every little thing you do for our family, and he noticing it, and him saying it. And every single day it being part of his mindset, it’s, it’s the opposite of taking a spouse for granted, if you wholeheartedly cherish your wife, you don’t take her for granted. You are grateful, you appreciate who she is, and you don’t step on her toes, right? That’s, that’s the boundaries piece of it, you don’t, you don’t think that you have a right to who she is because you got married, you don’t you’re not entitled to her, you’re not entitled to our sex, you’re not entitled to anything that she is, she gets to be who she is. And it’s kind of like, if you always have the mindset of dating your spouse, you won’t take them for granted, you will cherish them because you know, as a husband, she is not going to put up with you not cherishing her. And when I say not put up with I don’t mean that she’s going to say you can’t, that’s that’s a boundary issue, because he can do whatever he wants. But what she can do is respond in a way that protects her. So if he is disrespectful to her, her response can say, Honey, that hurt, and I’m I’m going to take some time, it’s I’m going to be by myself for a while, or Ouch. And leave the room and go call girlfriend and cry. Or maybe go make yourself happy doing something that that’s going to make you feel filled up. Don’t Don’t let yourself be hurt over and over again. But that’s what I think a wise wife would do to somebody who’s disrespecting her boundaries is, she’s still going to be respectful. But she’s not going to allow him to continue to disrespect her boundaries. It’s just like, if a king starts throwing mud at the Queen, she’s not going to sit there and take it. Now she’s not going to get there in the mud and start throwing mud back. But she’s not, she’s not gonna stick around, the king doesn’t get to have a queen. If he’s thrown monitor. Like, that’s ridiculous. You either act right, or I’m not going to be around you. And that’s like a very easy, like a very simplistic way of describing this situation. But a lot of couples accept bad behavior. But they don’t, they don’t do it in a way that’s dignified. They do it in a way that’s very
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well and dignified. It’s like, you can’t be treated like a queen. If you don’t act like one. You can’t be treated like a king if you don’t act like one. So act like one to your spouse, respect your spouse, so that they can treat you well in return. change the culture of your marriage, that that’s not something you say to each other. That’s ridiculous, you don’t raise your voice, you don’t scream at each other. That’s not an acceptable way of fighting. It’s just not know, if you’re too upset, to respect your spouse, when you have an argument, then it’s up to you to get your big boy pants on or big girl britches on and, and go cool off before you approach your spouse. They’re the most important person in your life. Don’t take them for granted. It’s just the way it is. It’s it’s not. It’s not going to cause your relationship to go well, it’s going to cause your relationship to end. So that’s my encouragement probably to the husband and what I’d like hopefully, if he if he gets remarried, that that’s his. That’s what he does. That he focuses on letting his wife be known, safe and cherished, wholeheartedly cherished. And when a wife feels filled up in those ways, oh my gosh, she naturally wants to fill up her husband in the ways that he receives love. So let’s go through those things that I think would be a really good thing for her to understand for her next relationship, or whatever God leads her to be doing. So or it’s just for your benefit of what I think would be good. So for her what a husband needs to feel loved his he needs to be respected. He needs to be admired. And he needs wholehearted sexual intimacy. So let’s talk about the first one respect. I used to know this. I mean, I knew this. I knew that for many, many But I didn’t understand what it meant 21st century respect for a husband, what does that even mean? Well, there were key phrases that I think if you’re saying these as a wife, you’re not respecting your husband. But I didn’t know what these were, I didn’t understand that. Because I use this. Often, it was a litmus test of oh, I don’t respect my husband. So things like you should, you need to, we need to, we should like the ones that you say we it’s a covert command. Right, even the shoulds, like the need to all of those. Those are covert commands, those are things that you might not even realize as a command, but it’s a command, it’s telling him what to do. We need to you have to, we have to even things like you can do that, or you can’t do that. Those are I mean, those are commands of telling him what to do. Or let’s, let’s do that. And you may be surprised, but even those comments will make him feel over and over and over again. Like she doesn’t respect him. And that’s, I mean, men have, like, respect antenna up all the time. And everything that you say, as a wife, he’s filtering through that respect antenna. So my encouragement for you wife is to just be so conscious and careful that what you say to him, isn’t telling him what to do. Because if you think about if you had a boss, and someone you respect someone that you definitely have to be Choose your words wisely with carefully. You would never say those things. You wouldn’t you wouldn’t say it like that you wouldn’t use that tone, you wouldn’t. You wouldn’t do those things. So why is it that you’re going to respect your boss more than your own spouse?
17:03
That seems strange that we care more about how we talk to someone temporarily in our life? Who adds some to our our joy in life, but definitely not as much as our spouse not to be glows? Why do we care so much about how we say it to a stranger or a loose acquaintance. And our spouse, we’re just like, unfiltered, they get all our thoughts, no matter how we present them, what tone we use, and we’re probably going to do it really fast. Because they don’t deserve us to to, they don’t deserve for us to carefully think through our thoughts. And say it in a way that’s kind and loving and generous and patient and gentle. It’s crazy, to me, it’s a crazy concept that we are going to disrespect our spouse and respect other people. Like why did it what are we doing? What are we doing? That’s so wrong? I’ve been there though. So it’s not judgment. It’s just, we all need to look at this and be serious about it. I have I have so been there. But I don’t want you to be there anymore. I don’t want any of us to be there anymore. Our marriage is our most precious human relationship. And it should be treated as such every single day, every single day. So that’s what respect looks like is honoring them honoring your husband as if they were? No, it’s not. I don’t mean the boss dynamic. Like he tells you what to do not at all. I mean, the boss dynamic of you respect your boss, you know, or pastor or someone that holds respect in your life that you wouldn’t just say things flippantly to, that’s my encouragement that you think about your husband that way. The next thing is admire. I think when we don’t realize how important this is to our husband, we we miss opportunities all the time to compliment them on who they are, who God made them to be. Because one of the biggest insecurities for men is I’m not good enough. I don’t have what it takes. And so if you, as a wife, admire your husband, you get to help him see that he does have what it takes, you are the one closest to him. So when he sees the way you see him, he starts to believe that about himself. He starts to believe what you think about him is true. And so it’s really something that you have to go through in your own heart. Do I admire this man? Or do I treat him like a son? Do I think he’s another one of my children that needs to be taught all the time and I need to give advice and guidance and just like you know, if you want your husband to act like a man you got to treat him that way, you’ve got to believe in your heart that he is capable of changing, of growing of becoming different or becoming more. When you admire him, he starts to see himself differently. So I understand this because my own husband, you know, I was controlling, I was disrespectful. I saw him as someone I had to, I don’t know, do all the work for protect and defend and all the, like, I had that role. And I learned that my goodness, when I start to see him as capable, he starts to see himself as capable. So one quick example of that is when I said you know what, honey, I trust you with the finances, I, you know, it’s too stressful for me anyway, I can’t do it. I know, you’re going to do it, I know, you’re going to do it for us. And I’ll tell you, a man is so responsible. Like, he’s got so many gifts and talents that I don’t have. And until I really allow myself to trust that he would never step up to the plate. If I just had this conception of him is he’s your response, you know, he can’t do it. He doesn’t have the education to dilla lalala, whatever excuse I have, then he would never step up to the plate, because he’s like, Well, my wife doesn’t think I can anyway. And so he even believes it about himself. I can’t do it. I mean, my wife knows me better than anyone, and she doesn’t think I can do it. So I can’t do it. But until I said, You know what, honey, I can’t, and I trust you. I trust you, you can do it, I whatever you decide, I’m, I’m behind whatever you whatever you think, honey, like, those are the kinds of phrases even as I’m growing in faith that God’s got me, I trust God, I don’t have to control the situation. My husband’s going to go through his learning process. It may take a couple of years, it may take longer, but it’s worth him growing as a man
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upon the admiration that I have genuine admiration. Not that I believe in his potential. Not that I think he you know, can grow in a, in a motherly type way. But in a Gosh, my sexy husband has this thing taken care of. He can do this. I mean, I don’t have to I can trust him, I trust him to do these things. So for the example of finances with us is he took a financial class, he’s, he’s on top of it, he put all the automated stuff, he’s looking at the budget every week, or Yeah, week, month, whatever. He’s his system. And I don’t have to think about it. I don’t have to think about it. He’s a trustworthy man. He’s a man of character. And it’s fantastic. But it doesn’t mean that I don’t have any power in our relationship, or that he doesn’t respect me. No, because these other pieces are in place, I can trust him. Because he respects me because I’m safe, because my boundaries are respected. Because I know I’m cherished. Because I know he values me. I can trust him. I can trust him. So what has happened is my husband is pays everything on time, and I get to be a piece. And he’s responsible for our family. And I let him know that thank you for taking care of this family. Thank you for being responsible with the finances. And I thank him for those things. Because I think it’s true. And in some ways, it’s in faith, because I want him to know, I’m not stressing over it, it’s up to him. If he wants our family to sink, it’s up to him. If he wants us to swim and thrive, it’s up to him. But if I’m taking on that load, and that’s something that unless I want to take on the whole thing. That’s what disrespect does to a man, that’s what controlling does to a man it disempowers it demotivates because when you control it’s like, well, fine, you do it. You You know, if you’re going to criticize everything I do, I’m not going to do it. It demotivates so that’s my encouragement to women if you know think he can’t load the dishwasher Right? Or he can’t fold the clothes, right? Or he can’t help with the kids, right? Or the you know, he’s not patient enough or he’s not able to, he’s just gonna stop. He’s not going to do it. But if you acknowledge like, Thank God, I have this man to help me do X, Y and Z. Yeah, he’s gonna do it differently. But who’s to say that my way is definitely right. Maybe it is. Maybe it is definitely right in terms of the way you are with with the kids or this or that or whatever, but when you criticize you demotivate so he’s gonna throw up his hands and say, oh, never mind. Never mind. You can do it by yourself. And I’ve been I’ve been that woman. I have been that woman. So the last piece is wholeheartedly Sexual intimacy. Now, this is something I have, I have learned. And and I do this work because this is something I was so ignorant to. But you know, it’s so many women are ignorant to this, because of the way they were raised. And because of this desire that I just don’t want someone exploring. So I’m not going to tell my kids about sex, because I don’t want them exploring ahead of when they’re ready to. And there are some really fantastic resources for those of you who are parents on how to teach your kids around sex, so that they understand sex, and they don’t go exploring because their parents ever told them. So one great resource is called intoxicated on life. and.com and Luke Gilkerson, who’s been on the podcast several times talks about, he’s got a great course on actually how to teach your kids sexual education. And his belief is that parents need to be teaching their kids because you can’t rely on anyone else. You want them to come to you for questions. And so I think that’s really good. We’ve learned a lot. And we really need to go back to
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that core so and finish it because it’s, it’s just got great resources, a great tools. So, anyway, wholehearted sexual intimacy. What I didn’t realize about it is that this is the way he feels loved. In the same way that I need emotional connection with him, I need it, I need him to listen to me, I need him to care about my feelings. I need it to matter to him when I’m sad, I need it to matter to him when I’m happy. I need to be able to be listened to and him to care about it. I need that in a relationship. Because I feel loved when we have had a strong good connecting heart to heart. I feel so loved. I feel so loved as a woman. And sexual intimacy for a husband is the same way. It’s the same way. Which doesn’t make any sense because as a woman, like what how does gyrating until a big explosion happen? Like how in the world does that have anything to do with his emotional health? I mean, that’s like a that’s like so different. Well, the reason is, is because that’s masculine type sex, that’s that’s the type of sex that’s heading towards a climax until it gets the climax, and then it’s over. And that’s, that that’s so energetic and so different than the way women think about sex in the way of sex being relaxing and, and peaceful and calming. And intimacy, not having an end goal. Maybe not even including orgasm. Like those are just a different style and type of sex one. Women really gravitate to and one men really gravitate to and but I’ve heard men say things like, I just feel after making love, like, everything’s gonna be okay. I’ve heard men talk about how their anxiety is completely alleviated because of intimacy with their wife, which seems so strange, how is it that their anxiety goes down? Like it seems for a wife, it’s like, what? It’s one of those things that we just have to trust. We just have to trust you know, I have a lot of episodes about what it means to to love your husband well in sexual intimacy. And that’s the way he received sex, receives love through sex. So things around enthusiasm and generosity and visuals and being willing to have variety and loving his member. Those are, those are important things in sexual intimacy that he’s craving. And as a wife, I didn’t understand that. I just didn’t understand that. And instead, I felt pressured. And I felt objectified. And I felt like he doesn’t care about me. And yet, what I didn’t realize is this is the way he receives love. And yes, there are ways that I can actually enjoy sex in a much different and much better way. But at the end of the day, I don’t think I will ever crave sex, to the degree that he does. And I don’t think I will ever be emotionally fulfilled it through sex in the way and the degree that he does. There are ways there are different practices. There are things that I definitely do desired and want that but it’s not to the degree. And I guess the best metaphor is the same way with with listening and a deep connecting conversation. It’ll never really mean what it means to me, as it does to my like, let me clarify that So for him, he just has to trust that it matters that much to me, that being cherished, that being known. Being safe, like all of those things can happen through a deep conversation about my feelings about how I’m doing in life, how I’m growing what I’m thinking about, like, his curiosity of what’s going on in my heart, him caring about those things, makes me want to love him and intimacy. I mean, it literally turns a woman on to love her husband and intimacy.
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So that’s, that’s what I wish women knew in their marriages. And that’s what I hope you will take home from this conversation, that there still hope for you, in your marriage. If you can apply these principles, the framework of for a woman, she needs to be known, safe and wholeheartedly cherished. And for man, he needs to be respected, and admired and wholehearted sexual intimacy. I hope this has been encouraging to you. And most of all, the enemy would love for you to feel condemned for you to feel ashamed for you to feel like you’ve made too many mistakes, you’ve made so many mistakes, he would love that. Because that’s his aim is to break marriages apart and make you feel demotivated and uninspired and unable to change. That is not what God wants. God wants you to take this and say, Thank God, I learned something today. Thank God, I have a new perspective. Thank God, Lord, thank you for showing me thank you for moving me in this direction. There are so many reasons why you may not have understood these things yet, whether it’s poor modeling, or just you’re focused on many other things that God needed you to be focused on in those seasons. But I believe that there are things in this conversation that you needed to hear. And you need to let your heart think about don’t distract yourself away from this conversation. Because the enemy wants to distract you. He doesn’t want you to change. He doesn’t want you to think about these things in a serious way. But my encouragement is to say, You know what? God, you meant for me to listen to this, you meant for me to hear these words. And let me pray for you. Father, I pray for this person listening. You know them and you love them. You love them. You want a closer relationship with them. You want a stronger, deeper friendship with them. You want them to know how much you love them. And that this podcast was a gift to their heart. That any new insight, any new understanding was a gift for them. Not something to make them feel less than or ashamed, or that they haven’t done the right thing. And there’s no use in trying or starting over or doing new things. But God I asked for grace, all of us can do things better all of the time. There is always ways to grow. I hope that that is the mindset that thank God, I’m growing, I want to grow, I want to learn, I want to get better. And I just pray for grace for this person listening to to shift their mindset to truly deeply change according to your will, and love their spouse the way that they receive love in your priorities. Loving You first and foremost God, and then their spouse, then their kids and then everything else. Thank you for your kindness and walking with us God. We love you. Amen. Alrighty, well, I guess I’ll end this with what I think about this couple is who’s whose fault was it that the marriage broke up, I think both in whose percentage on what and whatever I mean, I don’t, who am I to judge, but I think we all can grow, we all can learn. And if we don’t learn from other people’s difficulties, then we’re probably going to experience them ourselves. So I would encourage you to learn what you can from the pain and the suffering they went through so that you don’t go through it so your spouse doesn’t get through it so your kids don’t go through it. Alright, love you, bless you go to delight your marriage.com/framework so you can deeply really understand this, this concept, these concepts and these ways of being and you can get better at it and love and love better. Again, thank you so much for joining and I’ll talk to you next week. Love you.
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Bye