Hi there,

If you’re going through hard times, this is particularly applicable because we need a lot of love right now. The right kind of compassion and care from our spouse and those around us.

Jesus dealt with people differently based on where they were spiritually. When someone was demon possessed he healed them and didn’t rebuke them for dabbling in  whatever caused the possession. However, when the rich young ruler who practiced righteousness–and clearly was at a different place spiritually–came and asked about eternal life, Jesus let him know he needed to give all he had to the poor.

Jesus calls us higher, based on where we are right now. And it’s unique to each individual. If he spoke to the demon-possessed man like he did the rich young ruler, the demon-possessed man wouldn’t have been attracted to him. Instead, he loved that man the way he needed to be loved in that moment. And the man then followed Jesus and became an incredible evangelist of the gospel.

My invitation is to attract your spouse not to force or push them the way you think will help them get to Jesus.

When Jesus said the golden rule “so whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them.” I think he means love them in what they need right now. In who they are. In the way they receive love.

It was my birthday and I shared with my closest friends that I wouldn’t appreciate gifts, but I would love letters and donations to World Vision. If a friend likes to get gifts on their birthday and decided to give me a gift, I wouldn’t feel loved. I would feel like they didn’t really care about me.

So, I encourage you to love your spouse the way THEY receive love. What do they like?

It’s different for men and women. I share what specific differences between men and women in particular. Treat your partner the way they want to be loved. Because you would want them to do that for you, right?

Love and blessings,

Belah

PS I’d love to invite you to join me at a Men’s Masterclass at October 9 – 11, 2020 www.delightyourmarriage.com/menstraining

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transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage. Hi there and welcome. Thank you so much for joining me on the delight your marriage Podcast. I’m so excited to speak with you about attracting your spouse towards you every day. So before we dive in, if your husband listening, I would love to share with you about a men’s masterclass, it’s going to be live free. And it’s coming up very soon, October 9 10th and 11th at 7pm. Eastern, be sure to sign up. If you are not able to make it live, there will be a replay at a limited time. But I will say as you may know, anything that happens online is so much better live. And this is the same type deal. I’m going to try to make it really interactive. And you’ll be able to ask your questions and all sorts of things. But I’ve had people comment on my webinars in the past, like Where were you 25 years ago, even clients have attended and said that there was things that they hadn’t learned even through my program. So there’s going to be a ton of material there that’s going to help you through really getting your marriage on track, and especially your intimacy. By God’s grace, I’ve been able to work with people who haven’t made love in years, or even just a couple of times a year and then suddenly, in the programs, they’re, they’re making love frequently. So I’d love to have you and I’d love for this to really be a turning point in your marriage. So be sure to sign up, you can go to delight your marriage.com/ Men’s training. So do it now. So you don’t forget. And then I’ll be able to send you all the details around it. delight your marriage.com/ Men’s training. All right, one last comment is thank you to those who have prayed for dy M delight your marriage, I’m so grateful. Because I get to see miracles every day, in in this in this work over and over and over again, miracles really miracles. And you know, God’s power is so huge in this work. And I know it’s because so many of you pray, so many of you pray, you know, this is life changing material and you pray for it. And I want to really thank you. And I also want to ask you, I’m doing a conference in Chile here very soon. And it’s going to be in Spanish. So I would love your prayers. Because yeah, because I need I need prayers on that that’s not going to be the easiest thing. But I know God will help me with it. Alright, well, let’s go ahead and dive in. This is going to be a great conversation.

3:28
So if I were to ask you, what is your purpose as a husband? Or what is your purpose as a wife? What is the purpose in your marriage? Well, what I think the answer is, is to attract your spouse towards Jesus, and empower them to do God’s will in the earth. Attract Your spouse towards Jesus and empower them to do God’s will in the earth. I think the word attract is so important. Because really, the truth of the matter is, we are not going to force people into a heart change. We we just aren’t that’s not the way it’s just not the way it works. You know, it’s interesting, Jesus performed so many miracles when he was on the earth, and that attracted people to him. So when he rebuked them when he was strong with them, like they were already at a spot where they were fully attracted to him. And the interesting thing is when you look at Jesus, people, like even children wanted to be around him. He was accused of being a drunkard and a glutton. He would have dinner with his friends, he would go to weddings, he would go to the his lavish parties. He wasn’t one that was, you know, a constant killjoy. Yes, he spoke truth but who he was was attractive. It made people want to follow him around and hear what he had to say. And the interesting thing is, when I read the Bible, I’m attracted to Jesus, I’ve want to hear what he has to say, to me in my life. I’m reading this book or listening to this book called The Kingdom of Jesus. And it’s really powerful, because he’s arguing that the gospel is actually Jesus’s life. The gospel is the accounts of Jesus, that that’s the gospel, it’s more than just the fact that he saved us from our sins. It’s more than that. It’s who Jesus was, what he taught, what he said what he did, day in and day out, I think that’s so powerful, because for me, that’s so much more invigorating, than just a get out of free. You know, get out of jail free card. Instead, it’s like, this is a glorious assignment that I get to follow in the footsteps of Jesus. That’s my invitation. That is the gospel. So I am hungry, to hear what Jesus wants me to do. I am hungry to understand how I am to live this life. It’s it’s an incredible, extremely attractive thing for me to look like Jesus. And I think that’s so much more motivating for Christians, to say, Oh, the gospel is looking like Jesus. That’s what it means. To be a person of the gospel is to be a person that looks like Jesus. So that’s powerful. It’s a powerful book so far. And I recommended it seems really edifying for me really elucidating of a lot of really cool things. But why is this idea of attracting your spouse, so important now, if I want to encourage my husband, to be the man God wants him to be? The best tool in my toolbox is to attract him is to attract him not to push them not to confront him, not to argue eloquently with him, the best thing I can do is attract him. And speaking of Jesus, I was reading this morning in Matthew 712, the golden rule. So whatever you wish that others would do to you do also to them for this as the law and the prophets. Whatever you wish that others would do to you do also to them for this is the law and the prophets. So it was just my birthday a few days ago. So thank you for your birthday thoughts.

8:12
But there were a few ladies that I invited to a zoom call and actually a few ladies that I invited to a Zumba dance party out in the park. And that was fun, but way more advanced that I’m good at. I told you that I, if you’ve listened to me before I do like dancing, but I don’t like the skill of dancing. So yes, I was not following the teacher very well. But anyway, I did ask these dear friends of mine, that gifts aren’t encouraged. But I do love letters. And I also gave my address for people to send me letters and donations to Worldvision. That’s also what I would like. And the thing is, I think we sometimes misinterpret this scripture about the golden rule, to mean that we love others the way we receive love. But that’s so untrue. Because if I receive love by letters and gifts to World Vision, then why in the world would I feel loved if someone gave me a birthday present? The truth is, I wouldn’t I wouldn’t feel loved that way. So why do we attempt to love our spouse the way that our that we receive love? So my invitation to you is to really be conscious and present and thoughtful about who you’re spouses, and how do you love them the way they receive love because of my job is to attract my spouse towards Jesus, the fact that I follow Jesus should be the best thing that ever happened to them. The fact that I am a Christian should be an amazing, amazing thing. Because that’s attractive, because I am loving my spouse the way he receives love. And that empowers me through my discipleship of Jesus. I mean, this is this is who he wants me to be is to love others. The way that you wish they would love you, right? You wish they would think about you, and you wish they would think about your preferences, and you wish they would love you according to who you are, not according to who they are. So when I speak about this, it’s really important that I’m very clear on what does it mean to love your wife? Well, well, a wife, to be fulfilled in her marriage. She needs to feel known. She needs to feel safe, and wholeheartedly cherished those three things known, safe and wholeheartedly cherished? What do I mean by known I mean that, you know, understand, appreciate her uniquenesses the ways God made her her passions, her interests, her thoughts, her desires, you know her, you know her, you make it clear that you know her, you make it clear that you appreciate those things about her. That who she is very uniquely from every other woman out there matters to you and is special to you. And there’s many ways to make that clear. The second piece is safety. So the pressuring the high expectations, the making her feel bad about herself, especially around sex, or any of those things that makes her feel unsafe. If you are not trustworthy, if you don’t keep your word. If you have poor coping mechanisms, when you get angry, you do things that are something that makes her feel scared. That’s the opposite of making her feel safe. But making her feel safe is helping her to feel secure, helping her to feel like she can trust you, who you are. That you care about. That piece of her. That part of her and the final pieces, wholeheartedly cherished. She wants the romance she wants that you’re thinking about her and that you you honor her and respect her and, and just find her to be amazing. And think about her you give her flowers, I mean all the surprises. She loves that. That’s those that’s what makes a woman swoon. Those are the things

13:13
so then for a husband, what is it that makes him feel loved? Well, the first one is respected. Number two admired and number three wholehearted sexual intimacy. wholehearted sexual intimacy. So number one respected that means no control, it means that there’s not words like, we are going to do this or you need to do this or you should do this. I’m all that stuff is. It’s very disrespectful. That’s not stuff you would ever say to someone you respect. You would never say it. Like to a boss or a, I don’t know a grandparent, someone that you respect, you wouldn’t tell them what to do. And the thing is, that doesn’t mean that as a woman, you are less than your husband, when you respect him, it just means he’s got different needs than you. As a woman, it’s just not the same kind of thing. It doesn’t it doesn’t rub us the wrong way in such a dramatic way. When we’re disrespected, it’s just not. I mean, it doesn’t doesn’t feel good, but it’s, it’s not as dramatic. It’s, it’s, it’s like this is a tenderness on a man. And it’s our wisdom to to be careful around that and to care about that. So that’s respect the second one is admired. So it’s this additional piece where sometimes women don’t realize it but they’re there they mother, their husbands, and whatever that means mothering. They tell them what to eat or they just all sorts of things. It’s disrespectful, but it’s also she doesn’t kind of trust him to be who he wants to be in this world like you admire? What about admiring his strengths? What about noticing? Wow, he’s really good at this. This is an area that he excels in, I trust him to take care of our family. I admire the man he is. If you have that perspective of your husband, he will turn into that man. He will we respond to the way others see us. It makes us a better man. All right, let me clarify that it makes men better men, when they have a woman that trust them. That admires them that appreciates who they are. It makes him decide to be better. It makes him stand up a little taller, put his shoulders back a little more that. Yeah, I am one of the good guys, I can do this. But if a wife confronts and criticizes and makes him feel like dirt, well, he’s gonna keep acting like dirt. Because clearly whatever he does is not going to be good enough, it doesn’t really matter. My invitation to your wife is to admire him at your core, at a heart level. Look for the things that you could admire about him. Look for them, seek them out. In what way did God design your husband special in a very special careful way. And then the final piece is wholehearted sexual intimacy. It’s not just doing your duty, it’s being present and caring about the sexual union between you two, it matters so deeply to his heart. It matters so deeply that she is free and enjoys herself and relaxes. It engages and cares about his member, and wants to be present wants to be there with him. That’s what matters to the man. So as Jesus talks about, so whatever you wish that others would do to you do also to them. To underscore what that means is love others the way they receive love. Love others the way they receive love. This is an opportunity you have as a wife or as a husband, to attract your spouse, towards yourself. But most importantly towards Jesus. Every day, you are either pointing them towards Jesus or away. And let me also read first Corinthians seven. I think we miss understand, so often what being married is all about.

18:07
It says if any brother has a wife, who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. Verse 13. If any woman has a husband, who is an unbeliever, and he concerns of sorry, consents to live with her, she should not divorce him for the unbelieving husband is made wholly because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made wholly because of her husband, otherwise your children would be unclean. But as it is, they are holy. But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so in such cases, the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace, for how do you know wife? Whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know husband, whether you will save your wife, only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him. What that says to me is even if you’re married to an unbeliever, which many, many of us are, were which my husband and I when we met, he was not a believing Christian. But if you consider your appointment is to this person, to attract them towards Jesus. You know, the very end here it says, Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him and to which God has called him. So in your marriage, you should be able to do what God’s calling you to do. And it also says in the midst of all that God has called you to peace and he peace. We as Christians should not have have the same level of divorce as non Christians. It’s a bizarre statistic. God has called us to peace. We’re not supposed to be pushing and pulling and criticizing and convicting the Holy Spirit can do that. Only let each do the work that God is assigned for that person. You’re not supposed to be looking at your spouse and comparing your commitment to the Lord and your prayer and all that kind of stuff. I mean, it’ll shake out in the end, God knows. It doesn’t, it doesn’t help your cause to do that. What does help your cause is do your stuff yourself, stay in your lane, pray for your spouse, love your spouse, the way they receive love. attract them to Jesus by you just being you and letting them be the best version of them. They can be. Man, is that a good feeling? I am more myself than I have ever been in my life. Because of my spouse, I don’t feel like oh around my spouse, I’ve got to, I’ve got to be someone I’m not. I get to be me. I get to do what I think God wants me to do. And I get to let him do the same thing. I’m, I’m constantly wanting him to do God’s God’s work, whatever he senses that is. And it doesn’t mean we have to be doing the same thing. It’s very clear. Only let each of you do the work that God has assigned. To Him and to which God has called him. Yeah, sometimes God calls people together to do the same thing. Yeah, sometimes he does. But sometimes he doesn’t. Maybe it’s completely different. And that’s okay. That’s okay. God has called us to peace. How do you know husband? Whether you’re going to save your your spouse? How do you know wife whether you’re going to save your husband? So when when I say attracting them, yes, it’s attracting them to yourself. To to you but but automatically that’s attracting them Jesus, because you’re so tied up with, with who God wants you to be that of course, who you are, the closer they get to you is is easily getting closer to Jesus. One thing I want to mention is when we are in crisis situations, our true character comes out. It just does. And it’s hard to admit that’s the case. But it’s true. The waivers respond in crises

22:53
shows us who we are. And it also you know, in the fire, the dross comes up to the top like all the shakiness. We start to see in ourselves. And a lot of people are really going through the fire right now. And it’s not easy, it it’s, it’s sad and terrible for so many reasons. But my encouragement to you is don’t let this crises get away from you don’t let this crises make you feel like. Like there’s no purpose to it. There is a purpose here. There is a purpose here for you to display God’s character Jesus character in this moment. There was a heck of a lot of problems going on when when Jesus was around from political issues to martyring. I mean, my goodness, just the fact that crucifying people was the norm is just awful. Like, whipping was a norm like, yeah, there was some pretty awful things going on in Jesus day. And yet, he still said Be anxious for nothing. And yet he still said things around joy and, and peace. And I mean, so my encouragement is that it’s not to downplay the crises, that you are more than likely going through. But there is purpose to it. God hasn’t left you in this time. It’s an opportunity to grow and mature and it doesn’t mean that those who are not going through crisis somehow earned a better life. They didn’t. They didn’t. We don’t know why things happen the way they do. But we do know there’s purpose to it. I do know that that you Jesus went through suffering in his life to be the man who he became, at 30 years of age to be able to take the sin of the world on his shoulders, because he did some hard work during the time that we don’t even know about. So I hope you’ll use this season of your life, assuming it’s a hard season for many different reasons, in a way that causes you to be more of Jesus’s character, to love others the way you would want them to love you, to care about others to be people of compassion. Sometimes the only way we learn compassion is if we go through suffering ourselves. As painful as that is that we wanted someone to care about us during that time, and no one did. And so years later, when you’re in a different spot, you’ll know what it feels like for somebody to care. Personally, we’re going through something with some some close people to us. And, you know, I’ve been in, I’ve been in that spot, I know what it’s like to not have the support of people you love. And so it’s very easy for me to jump in and love them that way. Whereas it’s very hard for other people, because they don’t know what it’s like to not have support in that particular spot. I’ve been exactly where they are. And it’s it’s not, it’s not easy to not have that support. So I hope that’s an encouragement to you, that you would hold faster, Jesus in this moment. Or you will do his will in this moment, that you would love your spouse well in this moment, during crises, love your spouse, well make it easy, make your marriage just a soft landing between the two of you that you can always argue about something later. You can always deal with some difficulty later, just let right now be a place of peace. You know, can always fix that thing later. It doesn’t have to be right now. All right, let me pray for you Father. Lord High pray God that we would be attracted to you. Lord, give us the grace, to walk nearer to you. To want to understand you to read your word. To read your word, I think so many Christians don’t read your word. And it’s heartbreaking that that so many martyrs have died because of the Bible. And here, so many of us are spoiled that we get to read it in a zillion different apps, in different translations, all, all sorts of things. And yet we don’t give us the grace to read your gospel, to know who you are, and who you were inviting us to be. That the gospel can’t be summed up in a sentence, but it is an entirely.

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I mean, it’s the person of Jesus. It’s who he was. That’s the gospel, to understand and walk in that. Give us the grace to know what that looks like in our life today. And right now, in our marriages, and in our sex life. How do we love our partner, the way they receive it. Lord, thank you for your hand on each of these families, that you were with them and crises. You tell us not to be anxious. You tell us not to be anxious for tomorrow because God knows what they need. Give them what they need God. Give them the assurance that comfort, the confidence, and even the practical things that they need. And give others compassion and generosity to look for those that are suffering. To give to those that need it. Lord, we love you. We bless you and praise you. In Jesus name, amen. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you for allowing me to be part of your life, even in a small way. I’d love to have you gentlemen on the training you can go to light your marriage.com/ Men’s training and sign up as soon as you can see, don’t forget and I look forward to speaking to you again next week. God bless. Love you, praying for you.

29:55
Bye