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Today’s interview is with Jeremiah, a graduate of Masculinity Reclaimed. Originally his marriage and sex life were pretty good, but life happened…
Like many of my listeners, once kids came into the picture things began to deteriorate in that department.
She no longer felt emotionally connected and he no longer felt fulfilled intimately.
Jeremiah realized he was only getting out of his marriage what he was putting into it; it was not actually all her fault.
So, he set out on a journey of self-exploration, enrolled in Masculinity Reclaimed, learned how to emotionally connect with his wife, and slowly but surely progress began to follow.
At one point he basically says — honestly, I thought the men you interviewed of their success through your program were paid actors… until it happened to our sex life!
But most importantly he shares in this episode the specific shifts he made in himself that transformed their intimacy.
Join me as we dive into how Jeremiah went from somewhat stale and obligatory intimacy to deep, emotionally fulfilling lovemaking (where she initiated even 2x in one day!)
Let’s dive in together.
Blessings,
Belah
PS
If you’re a man, you’ll really want to sign up for this free training “Men’s Masterclass” at the end of March 2021 at delightyourmarriage.com/menstraining
If you’re a woman you can attend a free class all about confidence in intimacy — which will be available for a limited time go to delightyourmarriage.com/sc
If you’d like to find other free resources go to delightyourmarriage.com/free
transcript
0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about delight your marriage. All right, thank you so much for joining. So this is Bella. And if you are a regular listener, I just want to thank you for tuning in. Again, I don’t take it lightly that you invite me into your life on a weekly basis. And if you’re new, thank you, I don’t know if somebody shared the podcast with you, or you just found it through iTunes, or what have you. But thanks for joining. And for those of you that have ever recommended my podcast to somebody else, or left a five star review on iTunes, I again say thank you, because I found out just this week that of all the podcasts in the world, this podcast is of the top point 5% most popular, so praise God for that. And again, I have you to think so. Thank you, however you are supporting the podcast. Again, whether you’re sharing it with a friend, which many many people do, or, or a five star review on whatever app you listen to the podcast, I want to say. You’re amazing. And and I so appreciate you. So today we are listening to an interview I had with Jeremiah. And he isn’t Mr. graduate, and that’s masculine need reclaimed program? So a couple of things. Why am I sharing a testimonial, another testimonial of this program? Well, two reasons. One is the program’s launching soon it’s going to be starting up here at the end of March. And if you have any interest in that I’ve got some free training in advance coming up so what you want to do is go to delight your marriage.com/ Men’s training, and then you can sign up for that masterclass and we will be diving into some really cool content and all free. So sign up no matter what. And if you do want to join the actual fool, Mr. Course, then that will you’ll get all the information after that. So sign up for the free masterclass and then you’ll find out more. Okay. So the second reason is, because I really love the quotes you are the five people you spend the most time with. You know, it’s probably a tad of an exaggeration. But the truth of the matter is, is who you let into your mind and thoughts and you know who you are opening up to and listening to affects who you are, it affects how you think. So whether it’s your family, whether it’s your closest friends, that is kind of forming who you are, because it’s forming your worldview, etc, etc. And so yeah, so Jeremiah went through the program, he, by God’s grace changed a lot of things and his wife changed in response in really amazing ways, intimately and otherwise, so. But the thing is, just by listening to Jeremiah, his perspectives, what he’s learned, it’s going to impact you whether or not you decide in our course right now is the right direction for you. It does take time, it does take energy does take effort. But God does really incredible things, if you if you work it. So let’s go ahead and dive in to hear what Jeremiah wants to share. And I do ask him specifically, you know, what were some of the biggest lessons you got from the program? So you’re going to get some of that content? Right in this interview. All right, let’s let’s go ahead and dive in all right. So excited. Jeremiah, thank you so much for this.
4:32
Yeah, absolutely.
4:35
Awesome. Okay, well, um, so you did the masculinity reclaimed program. And maybe let’s start out by just getting a feel of how your marriage was at that point. And if you’re open to it, what your intimacy is like at that time?
4:51
Yeah. So I wouldn’t describe my marriage as being in a particularly bad place. As I’ve looked back over the last couple of months, I think if anyone would have come up to me and ask him, How was your marriage, I would have said, you know, I think we’re doing pretty well like seven, eight ish territory. You have been married for over 15 years. And so I feel like we’ve gotten to a place where we really, we really know one another and learn how one another thinks, and you know, able to finish one another sentences, that sort of thing. And I think, probably for the last, I mean, really, for the last 12 or 13 years, just being in a place as far as sexual intimacy intimacy goes like, not, not at a place of of I don’t know, fulfillment is the right word. But being in a place where I’m like, this is there has to be, there’s something else more to this, like, to the extent that we are one with one another and our relationship, like I feel like there’s more that we need to experience together. And, and then also knowing in the last, I really cause some hurt to my wife in the first couple of years that we’ve probably spent a decade working out of really just unkind words unkind words towards her, and that really wounded her. And in her mind, she would always go back to that spot. So as far as intimacy goes, like, you know, we would, I mean, we would still have sex a couple times a week. But for me, it was always like, it was always kind of a call it vanilla, it was vanilla sex. And my wife was hesitant, and even maybe even scared to do anything else. Because there was always that thought, well, if I do more, that he’s going to expect more. And so for me, it was like, Okay, how do I, there’s something missing here. Um, our marriages overall, pretty good. But yet, there’s this level of dissatisfaction. So there has to be more of something that I’m missing. So hopefully, that helps is that it kind of explained kind of where we were.
7:23
Yeah, for sure. And so what do you think was the tipping point for you to say, you know, what I’m gonna do the Mr. program.
7:32
So we, we had recently had another child. And I think before that child, our intimacy and my category, though, the status bar, there were still some some things that we were progressing towards, right. But post that child, I, things are really slow. And I knew they were going to be slowed, like, mature enough to know, that’s a hard thing for a woman’s body to go through. And so like 678 months later, like this, we need some help. But it’s probably not a good time to ask my wife about this, I need to do some exploring on my own to figure out what I need to do. So then that’s when I, I’ve been listening, listening to some podcasts on the topic of intimacy from a Christian perspective. And that’s when I found your podcast. And I mean, really just stumbled upon it, stumbled upon it, and then I’m like, You know what, this sounds like something that that I need to try and heard the listen to the first introductory video into the program, and I was taken by how serious you were with a relationship with God, and forgiveness. And like, this wasn’t just me saying or doing the right things this was integrating holistically. So that holistic integration of, of body mind soul, all into one thing and deep, deep interconnection with God. And then, at the time, I was understanding even how to be a joyful person. No, I’ve known Jesus for 15 years of my life. But like, really, Am I really a joyful person? And so all that kind of meshed in together I feel like it one of the most integral moments of my life where I’ve been learning some things about myself. I mean, I don’t know how far this is going in to me being too personal, but I read a book on narcissism I’m like, Oh my gosh, am I a narcissist, you know, and to some degree of what I’m learning about it, we all have narcissistic. And it’s like, okay, knowing my weakness, and how the weaknesses that I have, how do I emotionally manipulate, to get what I want? And then like, maybe I’ve been doing that in my marriage. And there were some things that my wife was saying at the time about how I would listen and respond. And like, I think there’s something to that. And like really exploring deeply, having a deep look into myself saying, there. I really need some help understanding more of what’s going on maybe isn’t all my wife. And so all those things kind of came in at one moment. And that’s what really led me down the path to the program.
10:57
Amazing. That’s incredible. I didn’t know a lot of that, Jeremiah. So just having Well, I
11:05
had to type it out. I had to type all that out, that would have taken me. That’s
11:12
that’s incredible, though, I love that, you know, the focus shifted from what was she not doing to gosh, you know, she must. She must have stuff. Right. But what can I do to shift things? So tell me, you know, during the program, what, what were, I guess it’s a two part question. The first part is, what were some major takeaways, what were some major concepts that someone listening could say, you know, gosh, I need to I need to start implementing that right away.
11:47
So, right, I can’t remember exactly. I think this is right at the very beginning. And I don’t know exactly the the things that you were teaching on, but I, I realized that I had gotten out of my marriage, what I put into it. And like, wow, like intimacy is a little low. Yeah, I haven’t given emotional intimacy, I haven’t done a good job with that. So kind of makes sense that this is an area of our life that is there that there’s a deficit, I remember having a conversation with my wife on a date night, telling her like, I’m so sorry. Like, this is an area that I’ve noticed. And that I mean, that really even was a launching pad of sorts for the next thing that came up, which was a big takeaway for me was emotional vulnerability. I feel like I’ve, I’m generally a vulnerable person. With everyone that my wife. Yeah. And I’m like, why is that? Like, seriously, I would have this conversation with myself, and why can I say things to other people, other people, co workers, the people that I lead, that I have a hard time saying to my wife, and you know, as a one of my favorite, one of my favorite theologians, over time talks about how if your eye basically is afraid of getting scared, hurt, of getting scared, or scared of getting hurt? Yeah. When you open yourself up, when you’re completely vulnerable, that’s at that moment that you can really be hurt. And we really not in a pattern of hurting one another. But there was always this, if I said something that she disagreed with, or she said something that I disagreed with, I had a physical reaction of, I just, I just don’t want to do I just don’t want to have the conversation. So learning how to communicate was very helpful for me learning how to be vulnerable, learning how to have 15 minutes of conversation in which I just listen. And I practice my I practice my listening skills, just my nonverbal and verbal feedback, right. And I really, like we started doing that and I could, she opened up a lot and began to be emotionally vulnerable with me. And at one point told me your ability, the way that we’ve been able to communicate really has open, open mind Up to you. And you know that that’s kind of stuff that you longed to hear your, your, or at least that’s the kind of stuff that I longed to hear my wife say, I want us to have the kind of vulnerable open communication wherein we are not afraid at all of one another. I know, and I knew then and I even know now that that’s, that’s a, that’s habits. You know, that’s patterns, if I can establish us now and keep doing it, then that’s going to continue to bring fruit and rewards. But from the past, it had evidence those habits had evidence themselves to a place where we couldn’t be open and vulnerable with one another. Like she would need to go talk with her best friend about what she was struggling with. And, you know, I would just randomly tell whoever I was talking to, you know, who was a decent friend, I don’t talk to strangers that way. Stay away from Stranger stranger danger. Dangerous, right? No, good. So I think those are some of the big takeaways for me, and some of the things I realized.
16:13
Amazing. I mean, he’s and you and you, you know, mentioned this just a tad already, but what would you say, from some of those shifts and habits? Those shifts? What did you see happening in your marriage and even in your intimacy?
16:29
Yeah, I, the, as far as intimacy goes, it was a slow change, like very, very slow. Even in the middle of the program, we had an anniversary trip that we went on, and again, part of the program is you stop initiating sex, give a moment where she can choose whether or not she wants that. And that was very helpful, you know, the, the pattern or buts, and you know, all the touching, I like to do that to my wife, I love my wife. I like her body. And so it was really hard for me to do that. So I’m doing that. And even in the middle of that trip, it was very slow. Like, I wouldn’t say there was any sort of, like, yes, progress. But as things opened up, like she began to initiate, she even told me one time, like, you realize you can ask me to have sex, right? Yeah. Yeah, I know, I can do that. But I need to talk to Bella first, I don’t know if this is okay. And then little by little her entering into a program because of what she had seen in me that open to work on some of the issues that she had. I mean, yeah. I mean, Bella, now I’m seeing things in my, in my, in our intimacy that I can only hope for, and always hope for. Wow. And so it’s I mean, you know, last couple of weeks we’re speechless, really. You know, things that that the way that we’re engaging one another, in a way that she’s engaging me. Wow. And if I’m being honest, some of the times I would listen to the other guys say this, that you would have testimonials, or they paid actors. You know, I would ask that, but it’s like now, like, I know, that for sure that this is, this is a thing, and I’m seeing, you know, First Peter three, seven, live out live with your wife and an understanding way. And I feel like I’m beginning to more understand her, and understand how she thinks and how to emotionally engage her and that that is producing fruit and intimacy area. And I mean, I can be more specific if you want me to, but just generally, like, it’s incredible.
19:15
Wow, wow. Well, I mean, it’s totally up to you what your what you feel your wife would also be comfortable with, but I’m sure those listening would be like, What is he talking about? So it’s up to you?
19:30
You know, I think it’s when you when you first get married you I think we’re gonna have sex multiple times a day, and then when you get married, you’re like, I’m too tired or I can’t do that. Or, I mean, just this just this week, we had made love and it was it was great. It was after a date night and it was great. And then an hour or so later, she wakes me up and like cuddles up She’s like, Hey, I’m on kind of turned on you, you want to go again? I’m like, Who are you? And I’m like, wow, okay, sure. Never Say Never or never say no. Right? And so and then, for my for my birthday, which me and my birthday was a couple of weeks ago. And she said basically, I’d like to give you a penny for your birthday. And I’m like I feel like time just stopped. And then of course, I feel like a little boy, I’m like.
20:59
Amazing, thank you so much, Jeremiah. So if you are a listener, who is curious, if you might be the right fit, my encouragement is just to take the first step and go ahead and enroll in the masterclass totally free, lots of amazing content. And from Jeremiah, what he shared, it’s a very holistic approach, that you’ll really get a chance to find out, is it something like masculinity reclaimed? Something that you’re going to invest money in? time and effort and energy? And and yeah, it does require those things. But maybe God is wanting you to take a step of faith and say, You know what, it’s been decades. But gosh, could things really change? And actually decide to do it to really do the work and see what God might do? Who knows? Maybe you’ll transform your marriage just like Jeremiah did, even though he was the only one who did the work. So yeah, join me on the masterclass the men’s training, just go to delight your marriage.com/ Men’s training and and sign up. Let’s do this. Let’s get transformation. Your marriage no matter what the free training is going to be awesome. All right. God bless you. And I really look forward to this next step in your journey moving closer to Jesus and potentially transforming your marriage. All right, we’ll talk next week. God bless. Bye