The Free Men’s Masterclass: Passionize Your Marital Intimacy (even if you’re the only one doing the work) is happening July 19, 20 & 21.

So, I encourage you to get registered and mark your calendar because it’s only live for 1 week. Assume each day’s lesson requires 1 hour, including homework. 

 

I was speaking to some men yesterday who took the Free Men’s Masterclass and they emphatically told me about how valuable it was.

 

Some men have been signed up for months. If you’re registered, mark your calendar to be sure you dedicate the time to go through it.

 

For those of you who have been waiting for me to reopen enrollment for the paid program…

The Masculinity Reclaimed: Be respected, enjoy fierce intimacy, and love being married again, enrollment opens on July 22!

The free men’s masterclass I mentioned above provides awesome value and insight and if you want to go deeper and see dramatic transformation…

 

Join the full Masculinity Reclaimed (MR) is enrolling July 22 — sign up for the masterclass to get all the information.

The MR program will occur July 29 – Oct 28, 2021.

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transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about, and delight your marriage. Hi there and welcome. I’m so grateful that you’re joining me. So today I have a really great conversation with a husband and wife. And they’ve been married a long time. And the husband’s the only one that did work. And his wife has softened towards him. Now, a lot of times people will listen to these stories. And they’ll think well, my wife is different. You know, they’ll they’ll hear like three months. Are you kidding me that won’t affect anything with with my wife. So I think Russ and Kim story will be encouraging because they have changed their marriage to a sweetness and a calm and a connection, and a love and a depth and a beauty. And the intimacy is coming. She has even shared in this interview, some areas of her heart that are still needing healing around this. And if you saw him you would notice she’s not one to just exaggerate for no reason. She truly shares what, in a very real way, how she feels about the state of their marriage and intimacy. And you know, Russ is a great guy, and he’s a sweet man. And there’s even parts of this interview where you might not be able to hear but tears were shed. It’s It’s beautiful, the transformation. So if you’re a husband who wants this for your marriage, there’s a free masterclass coming up, delight your marriage.com/masterclass and that’s how Russ came into the program. Anyways, anyway, he was he went through this free masterclass. And God spoke to his heart that this was this was it. And he took the plunge and has had incredible transformation as a result. So I hope you’ll listen with an open heart and an opportunity to have hope that God could do this for you, too. Let’s dive in.

2:37
Alright, welcome. Welcome. I’m so excited that I’ve got Russ and Kim here. Thanks for being here.

2:44
Great to be here. Yeah.

2:47
Awesome. Awesome. So quick intro from my perspective is that Russ has been in masculinity reclaim program just about to graduate. And Kim is the wife of Ross. And so she, at least in the beginning cam, I don’t think you knew he was in the program, or did you have a suspicion? Or?

3:09
I? I didn’t know for sure. Because we discussed him starting it. And I wasn’t too excited about it because I had listened to a few things. And they seem to be mostly centered on on some of the pain in our marriage. And I was wanting to avoid that. So yeah, but I figured, you know, there was good fruit and it’s really, you know, it’s up to him. He needs to walk his own his own road. And he chose that. And I didn’t know what it was, it was this big mystery. There’s days and so I just gave him a space and, and I like the fruit.

3:48
Amazing. Amazing. Okay, well, that that kind of brings me to hearing a little bit more of your story. So yeah, wrestling can maybe we can zoom out you share a little bit of who you are. What’s your marriage? Like? How long have you been together? Your family all that love to hear?

4:06
Yep. Well, we’ve been married 35 years. We just celebrated last Monday, a week over a week ago. And we have five children are all adults from age 32 down to 23. I hope I got that. All right. In Age. Four of our kids are married. No grandkids, Grandpa ups, unfortunately. And we’ve had our ups and downs, but we’ve had a lot of high points, but we’ve had some low points as well. What would you say?

4:40
I’d say you nailed it pretty well. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. We’ve done a lot of counseling over those 35 years and even premarital counseling. And it showed us that we had a lot of emotional baggage and a lot of family history that we had to deal with and and then It seemed like we just got kind of stuck in a lot of the emotional stuff. And you know, there were some things that were helpful that we grew from. And then there were some things that were unhelpful, that unfortunately got stuck in.

5:16
Yeah, the last year has been pretty tough. With COVID, we did not become the honeymooners. Even as empty nesters, unfortunately, we had a lot of difficulties and struggles. And then we get better. But it seemed like, every week we had these fights every kick off, or if it wasn’t weekly, it was every other week. And it’s really emotionally painful for both of us.

5:41
Yeah, I found myself just trying to be in protective mode. And I would draw away I find myself doing a lot of people pleasing, just trying to avoid walking on eggshells. Our kids did too, he would just be grumpy, I guess would be the best way of calling it and, and it was related to a number of different things. And it was it wasn’t easy. around New Year’s, we were looking at the prospect of celebrating our 35th anniversary. And I really didn’t want to celebrate. And I told him that I said, you know, I don’t like you. I love you. But I don’t like XYZ about you. And I’m not planning on divorcing you, but I don’t really enjoy being married to you. And he said, Oh, and yeah, I just I mean, that’s why I felt I was really depressed with the idea of celebrating 35 years, and lying about it. I just didn’t want to. I don’t like to lie about things. And I don’t want to hurt people either. But anyway,

6:57
and we had the best wedding anniversary celebration we’ve ever had. We had so much fun. We go yeah, she got into her dress that she wore in the wedding day. Way down the wedding wait. And we went to a vineyard up here in the Finger Lakes where we live and did some photo ops had a good friend come take pictures and had a wonderful time when the calamari, which is a rehearsal dinner. And that’s been our celebration. We had a great time. And then this past Saturday, at a family wedding of my niece. We had the kids with us and we did a big cake and celebration and stuff like that. So it’s I think it’s been the best shall know what you feel. Oh,

7:45
absolutely. Yeah, it’s been amazing.

7:48
That’s miracle like.

7:50
So we had the cake made up and on the topics of 35 years of marital bliss and fights. And so we decided, well, guys had this idea from the Lord to scrape off the and fights and eat those words. And we ate them. We devoured them. And then we served it to the kids.

8:14
They went to the cake. And they looked at it and they just shook their heads smiled and yep. And after we had about an hour and a half of wonderful time, hearing stories that they shared with each other. We got up and went and did that. Wow. Wow. I know, last long, choked up. It was a great three of our kids were all crying during it during sharing

8:45
even one in law.

8:48
One in law, he said, My right eye would not stop. It just kept leaking. It wouldn’t stop. It was great.

8:56
So Kim, is that is that a typical? Get together of your family? Would you say?

9:03
Um, no. Typically, there’s a lot of drama, or just a lot of dancing around stuff. And, and it was we just had a really nice time of sharing and listening. You know, we’re working on listening more. And, and it was just very pleasant. Yeah. Hopefully a new beginning. In that aspect, too.

9:27
Yeah. So when you kind of shared like, I can tell that about you, too, that you’re not one to kind of you don’t want to make people feel bad, but you’re also not one to lie. I can see that about you very, you know, you’re very even it seems very real. And so to think, you know, when Russ started this program, did you start to see changes as he was going through? What would you say?

9:55
Um, yeah, it wasn’t right away. But I have After a little while, I realized, gosh, he’s just being really attentive. And, but I wasn’t feeling like a lot of the pressure that I might have in the past. And, and, I mean, he’s always, I’ve always felt loved by Him. I mean, I knew he loved me, I didn’t feel loved when he was grumpy, or demanding or upset that I was late for something or that he was annoyed by something I did, like chewing too loudly, or there’s just a lot of little triggers that were were festering in our relationship. So, but it seemed after a while, I’m like, Gee, this is interesting. And it’s like, wow, we’ve had like two or three weeks with no fighting. And he’s been really pleasant. And encouraging. I mean, he’s often been encouraging, but it was, you know, without the negative aspects of remarkable. And so then, um, then I said something to somebody, I forget who. I said, wow. It’s just like, the last four or five weeks have been the best in the past 20 years. And I’m like, wow, this is amazing. So, anyway, you know, and so, you know, like, people say, Well, you know, where did where did you put that all guy? Well, I don’t want that guy to hack and just stay away. Awesome.

11:39
We’re sitting on the porch after about six weeks of the program. And she’d already been making these comments for a couple of weeks. Boy, I don’t know he’s totally different guy. And I don’t know where the old guy went, but, and I could just see the fear in her that are we going back to the old way. And so I just asked her to stand up and I gave her a big hug. As I said, we’re not going back. This is our new normal. From now on this how we’re going to be we’re not going back. It’s not a bump to go back or a mountain to come down off of the soil. We’re going to be from now on. Amen. Yes. That’s awesome. It is. Thank you. Thank you, Bill. Yep. It’s really terrific.

12:50
That’s amazing.

12:51
I love seeing her smile. It’s she’s not smiled like this in a long time. It’s really neat. Yeah, it’s great having a maybe a smile. shake my head or run away. Yeah. It’s beautiful.

13:23
Really. I love that. I love that. Well, yeah, I can. So what would you say? So I’ll ask him for wife listening? Who’s hearing that the husband wants to take this course. But she’s very hesitant? Because plenty of reasons. What would you suggest? What would you say? What would you would you recommend it would you what would you think?

13:56
Well, I did be not sure exactly what it was. But before he started it, I, I heard about you, and through a mutual friend of ours, who had been really blessed by your ministry. And so she, I started listening to some of your podcasts. And I mean, a lot of our struggles. I live a lot of our struggles. I just didn’t really want to hear all of what you had to say. And you know, some of the subjects were just pain points for me. So I really, I tried to take what I could out of it and a lot of lot of good stuff. But my thought was he’s just gonna be more interested in the things that were causing me pain. And, you know, just I was fed up with a lot of the, the Christian view of submissive wife and, and taking care of your husband. in certain ways, and I just, I, I was wounded from that, you know, I didn’t like the traditional, macho kind of a man. I mean, my husband is, he’s, he’s wonderful. He’s a, he’s a great guy who’s very traditional male hunting, fishing, you know, getting dirty digging things, you know, very handy to have around to. But, but then, you know, I just was having a hard time with, with that aspect of the Christian. The American Church’s idea of what Christian men should be in Christian worship. And I really rejected some aspects of that God’s still working on me with that, you know, cuz, because my desire was to be the perfect wife and mother after I came to the Lord. And so that was really hard for me. But anyway, so in terms of him getting involved, he asked me if I would like to take these courses, because he, I guess, he listened to the guys thing. And I listened to the girls thing. And I mean, I was tempted, but I was afraid. So then, you know, when he was talking about doing I was like, Well, I’d rather you didn’t, you know, it seems kind of expensive. And it seems like it’s, you know, I just was afraid, you know, I was afraid it was gonna make things worse than what they were. And I had no idea what you talk to the guys about, because we weren’t supposed to listen to those podcasts. Right. So anyway, when I, you know, I just said, do what you want, but I proofread it. So, anyway, I’m really glad he did. And I don’t think that he did it out of out of disrespect, or, or selfishness. I think he did it out of love for me. You know, I mean, just like all the counseling that we’ve done, and you know, in terms of the money it’s been, I mean, I don’t know how much it cost. Tell me. But I think it was probably way more cost effective than the 10s of 1000s of dollars that we’ve spent on counseling over the past 35 plus years. So, anyway, and, and just, you know, to have, like minded men that he has shared with I, you know, I don’t know what they talk about, but I see him laughing and, and hear that he cries and you know, I am glad for him to have that level of fellowship in a marital group. So I think that’s really cool. I guess that’s about where I’m at. I love it.

17:56
Yeah, it’s funny, she was, I had already joined. And it was before our first Zoom meeting, we were flying out to Texas to see her daughter. And she’s like, Yeah, I wouldn’t want you to join it at Bella stuff, because all you’re gonna want is more sex. And I was like, Okay, you’re, and that’s, that’s the woman’s side of it, not the men’s side of it. We’ll talk about more. We talked about putting the brakes on, but, and controlling ourselves. So she, but I really I heard God speak to me, it was it was so clear. It was man, I forget the exact it was your third module in that pre course thing that you give? Yeah, the one right before that. And you just said someday you’re gonna stand before God. And, you know, you’ll be judged on Ephesians. Five, and how well I love this lady. And I said, I need to do a better job of doing that. So that’s my goal. And, you know, during the class, it’s, it gets hard at times because you, you do your side and you get frustrated because she’s not doing anything per se or not what I’m doing. And, you know, that’s the truth because I’m in a class she’s not. And you’re like, Well, isn’t that what Jesus did for the church? Didn’t he lay himself down for everybody? And yet, many people will disrespect him and ignore him and not respond to him. And yet he loves and that’s what I’m called to do. As a husband, love her whether I get what I want or not. And that’s really, that’s been the thing that has glued my feet to the ground. I mean, other men are hoping for my hope for a better sex life. Well, I do too. But don’t listen here. But I mean, I do too. I have hopes for that. But you know what, at this point, that’s not what’s important thing. It’s my side of the street that I’m loving her. The way Christ loves the church. And I’m doing the right things. And, you know, I hate to say it, but I know these verses that you use the Ephesians five, the fruits of the Spirit and other verses, they’re in my mind, I agree with them, but I wasn’t living them. I wasn’t doing them. And by just being reminded, it brought my focus back, it’s just so great. I mean, I remember recently, within the last week or two, driving down the road somewhere, and hearing you say, from our zoom meeting, be happy in who you are and your life. You don’t need your wife to make you happy. And that just really ministered to me. That’s what I needed to hear at that point. Otherwise, I could have slid over to that. From beside again, and so many little things like that, that are gems. They’re just little things, but they have transformed me. Totally.

21:27
Praise God.

21:29
Yes. And when we went into our counselor about six, seven weeks in, she was behind me, we drove separately. I thought I had a couple minutes alone. And I said to her, I want to tell you and then she walked in. I go honey, close your ears. You can’t hear this. So I want to tell her that I brutalized her kinda realize that I am the cause of all of our fights. Let me tell what I said. Yeah, I mean, because in the program is like no more fighting, I tell you, for three weeks, I was that guy. My done. And I just it was so hard. Not fighting, not reacting. I just I felt that emotional reaction, the emotion rising up in me and I just had to just No, I’m not going to go this way. I’m not going to be that way. I’m not going to snip I’m not going to react. And not after three weeks, it got much easier. Even got the point where I know she was starting some fights.

22:36
Never wasn’t 100%

22:37
me isn’t the 90% me. But I was able to, like respond to her instead of falling into a trap. So Honey, what’s going on right now what? What’s happening, and then she’d be able to share what was going on. And we wouldn’t fight fall into the fight and the way that we used to be. So it was just so beautiful. It’s like a victory.

23:02
And he really, I mean, part of what we have been doing counseling with and struggling with with family members was this feeling of being listened to, you know, that we didn’t feel listened to by him. And we have a struggle of interrupting each other. Okay, I just did. I’m sorry. But, I mean, that’s, that’s amazing. It’s just amazing what’s happened with that. And I felt listened to. And he noticed that I was concerned or upset or grumpy myself or are triggered by something and, and then he went deeper and, and it was and he listened and it was really beautiful. Just so thankful.

23:57
Automation really has been

24:00
mean it really it’s been just an incredible answer to prayer in our I’ve just been saying no. Mean early before we were married. I felt like the Lord was telling me and I said, Well, he’s younger than me. You know, can I respect them? Can I, you know, is this gonna work? And he said, Well, can you trust that Ross is going to follow me. And I said yeah, and he said what do you think I’m big enough to lead Ross and he said, and I said of course and and

24:32
that was at the point where she is thinking of breaking the engagement and putting it off?

24:37
Yeah, I forget all the other details with that but but the point being you know, I’ve reminded god of this a number of times oh my god, what am I doing wrong? You know, you said this. Oh, and what about this? You know, God I I’m tying a knot. To hang on, and I just feel like I’m slipping. And then you know, God help me to finish this well, I wanna I want our marriage to, to end well, I don’t want it to end at all. But I want to, you know, our last years to be good. And now we really, I feel like we really have hope. That’s, it’s great. Thank you. Thank you, Lord. Amen. Amen.

25:32
Well, you know, is there anything else that you either of you want to share? I know, rest, you had some notes? Oh,

25:39
there’s so much. You, I disappear if you want to. I think, I think I don’t know if it’s a foundation, but the beginning of our program is forgiveness. And when I listened to that, I say, Oh, I don’t have issues with forgiveness. I’m not bitter to her, and all that stuff. And then I realize I’m getting grumpy, why am I getting grumpy? Oh, she didn’t bring me my coffee or something like that. Or when she was getting dressed. She didn’t, you know, show me herself from afar. And it’s like, you know, if she knew me and really loved me, she would have just, you know, Flash me or something like that. And, or she would do this or do that she knows how to do this. And so I had this expectation. I’m like, Okay, I’m at forgiveness, I need to forgive her for not doing what I expected her to do, that she did not do. And I had to go back to that. And you know, that downward spiral of expectations, and the upward spiral of, of gratitudes. And, and being grateful for her net, that even the gratitudes took me to the point where the things she would she does things that just annoy that are out of me. I don’t know if other wives or husbands can relate. But I’m sure she’s such a thinker. She’ll be will be going down the road driving, and she’ll be looking all over the shingles on that house, or look at the roof on that one. All that houses a great designer look at the solar panels. They’re like, Honey, I’m trying to talk to you. Right, you’re so distracted. You know, I’m just I don’t match up to those things. But that’s the negative side. But the positive is, she’s got such a curious mind. So I’ve learned how to see it differently. Positive, the curious mind, not distracted, and say, Hey, honey, can you focus back here now? And then she’ll come back? And she’ll apologize. And, and we’ll be, we’ll be back. So no, for me, sexuality has changed. It hasn’t changed in our marriage at this point, but it’s changed for me, because I’m not grabbing her or touching her. Like, I felt like, I needed to do it every day. And I’m not and sometimes it’ll be days and days. And then I’ll ask her before. And, you know, usually she’ll say yes, but it’s really, it’s, it’s awesome. It really is. I forget what else I was gonna say I’m trying to recall.

28:38
It’s awesome. Yeah. Let me ask you this. If there was a gentleman who like you married 35 years, is that a spot that’s just frustrated and angry and annoyed about all sorts of things?

28:53
And really doesn’t have a lot of hope that things would change? You know, what, what would you say to him? I mean, I’m sure. I’m sure it was hard for you to have hope that this could do anything.

29:03
Yeah. I would say without a doubt. No matter where you’re at. You do this, get in this and work these principles. It may not work in the same time as mine in 910 weeks, but you can see changes. And I mean, even in our group, there are guys in our group who are working to thing just as I am, they’re being faithful to do it. And they’re in a different marriage with a different woman. And they’re not as far along but I know that I know 100% They keep doing this. It’s going to work. It may take six months, it may take a year, it may take three years, but it will it will work for them. Anyway, I 100% And I would say anybody. The other thing I have it’s written down here somewhere is I actually have a master’s degree. I have an M div. Oh, wow. And your class masculine masculinity reclaimed, is a master level class. It really is. It’s intense, it’s deep. It’s broad. It’s got everything that a master’s level class has in it. And it really, it’s really, really master level stuff. So it’s almost be great for any guy to take it just to learn, tweaked himself to tune up to adjust, because now there have been times in our marriage where things were going great. But if I had applied these principles, we might have avoided a lot of pain that we’ve had. And we have had some, you know, rescue points and some points where we are, like, 10 years, 11 years ago, we were at a bad place. And we saw a breakthrough. Through the church we’re involved in, in Queens, we did a pairs, intensive 100 hour class. And that was great as a huge breakthrough. And our marriage has really changed and restored and, but then we slept, and we just slipped back in the old ways. And now we’re in a new spot. And it’s, you build it step by step by step, one thing upon another, you see, you got to do it in this order. How you figured it out? I have no idea. I mean, from God, it’s just really amazing. And, and then you keep saying, you have to go back to the beginning. Because I do, I have to go back to forgiveness, I have to go back to not expecting to, to being grateful and the gratitudes, toward my wife, and toward things. You know, even like, previously, like when we were planning to make love, and it didn’t happen, I would get really grumpy about it. In the last week, there were two times we had planned it and it got pushed off twice. And I wasn’t grumpy. I was happy. I was like, okay, hon, and it’s just God is doing something new. It’s really new. And hopefully, my wife doesn’t kill me for saying this. I don’t think she will.

32:23
But that’s the kind of response that many women women, I mean, women would love for their husband not to get mad when plans change. I mean, that’s just, yeah, that’s beautiful. That that’s just a change of your heart. It’s incredible. You know, and it’s incredible for you to notice, this is your heart. This isn’t. You know, white knuckling it like you, you know, God has changed your heart in these ways.

32:50
Yeah. I mean, my sex drive hasn’t changed yet. It’s something changed in me. Mm hmm. is behind all that. It just, it’s wonderful. It really is. And then just being appreciative of her and what she does do. Yeah, it’s great. It really is.

33:10
Yeah, she’s amazing, clearly. Yeah. I mean, from what you’ve told me, otherwise, I know, she’s amazing. But now that I’ve met her, she truly is.

33:21
Sure if she’s the better app.

33:26
That’s awesome. Yeah, well, any yoga mats for a guy who’s kind of on the fence,

33:35
I would say get off the fence, just make the leap. It’s, there’s no question in my brain. I’ve got a friend who is going to do it with me. We’re going to do it together. I felt so convicted of God. So we got to do this together brother. And he was all in and is going to share it with his wife. And I said, Be careful because I think she’s gonna react to it. And he said, not all she’ll be fine while she reacted and put the kibosh on it. But I think he’s gonna take it the next round, which is great. And that’s, that’s terrific. So my thing would be to any guy who’s thinking about doing it, if you’re thinking about doing it, I think the Holy Spirit’s telling you to do it, you need to do it. It is well worth it. It is worth every penny the the fruit of it in our life, and with our kids is it’s it’s done, put $1 sign on it. You know, it’s it’s worth every penny really is. And I would encourage your wife to do your wives course I have no idea what’s in it. But you focus on the three needs of a man in the life course the three needs of a woman and the woman in the men’s course. And I think that’s what we’re really need to do is love is laying our lives down for one another. And that’s that’s it’s beautiful, beautiful. The results of hearing different people on different podcasts, talk about the results, and how it’s changed their life. So I would tell any man, whether you’re newly married couple years married 20 3040 years married, sleeping in separate beds, thinking about divorce, do the class. It’s so worth it.

35:34
Amazing. Amazing. Well, thank you, Russ. And you know if you would be willing to even just imagine the gentleman who you were three, three months ago, a little less than that. is listening. Would you just if you’re open to it, pray for him. And

35:55
absolutely, okay. Yeah. Father, we thank you, thank you that you are faithful, you are faithful God. And I pray for men who are out there hearing this, that you would show them if this is for them. And that, Lord, if this could be the key, to change their life, to change their mind, to line things up, to put things in order in their own lives. I just pray Lord, for the man who just is frustrated with his marriage. Having whether he knows he’s angry or not having grumpiness and reacting to his wife and reacting to his kids, and not fulfilled in his marriage, or there’s so much more you have for marriage, there’s a peace. There’s a unity that you have for us. And you have called that, that marriage might actually be a reflection of Jesus and His Church. And Father, I pray for these marriages out there. And these men who are leaders of the family, that they would be able to lay their lives down for their wife, and for their children. As Christ has laid his life down for the church, I pray that these men would be able to rise up and do that. And that you might give them the boldness and the bravery, to jump off that diving board into that water and take this class and do what they got to do. To really grow and mature and to live scripture Father, and to be in relationship with each other. So I just pray for them. Pray for the families pray for healing. Yes. Just ask this in Jesus name.

37:49
Amen. Amen. Thanks so much rest, thank you. Awesome, it’s just so amazing to hear their story, where they’ve come from, and even where they’re going. I mean, it’s not easy to share that you’re in the process of growth. You’re still Yeah, you still have have stuff to do and work to do. But that’s, that’s the beauty is when you’re open to growth and open to change. And that’s, that’s what’s so cool about their story. So if you are looking for this in your own marriage after 35 years, my gosh, how could somebody have hope and faith that could change well, rest had hope and faith, it can happen for you. So get the free masterclass. There’s plenty of good, good stuff in there. I’ve heard it many, many times over, go to delight your marriage.com/masterclass It’ll be opening July 19. So I encourage you to sign up as soon as you can. So you can register. There’s a lot of bells and whistles that go along with this masterclass including live interaction with my team and myself. And we’re in there answering questions and doing all sorts of cool stuff. So I encourage you. Yeah, to put it on your calendar. It really is a substantial masterclass that I’m excited to invite you into. So yeah, delight your marriage.com/masterclass and rest already prayed for us. So I will just encourage you to join me July 19th. God bless you. And we’ll talk soon