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We’re all insecure.
Which I think is why God says “do not fear” so often in the Bible.
The only one we are to fear is Him. (Which when we get that right, it puts everything else in perspective and it’s a lot easier to not fear everything else.)
We have to take courage in all aspects of our lives in order to do God’s will. And when we fear the wrong things we get off track.
Whether it’s fearing rejection or meanness from your wife. Or whether it’s fearing what he thinks about your body.
When we take courage in one area of our life it permeates to others. When we take courage in our intimacy in our marriage, it permeates to taking courage to do what God wants us to do in other people’s lives.
I am really excited to speak to you today about the fears that typically hold men and women back from doing intimacy the way I think God intends: naked and unashamed, aka naked and courageous.
Blessings,
Belah
PS – If you need to speak to someone about what a next step might be for you in your walk and journey.
You can apply for a Clarity Call where a member of my team a Clarity Advisor may be able to speak with you and determine how we can help you get to where you’re yearning to go.
delightyourmarriage.com/cc
PPS – Oh! And I was interviewed on this cool youtube channel the other day by a friend from long ago. It’s exciting to see where she is and that she shared her platform with me. Check it out here!
transcript
0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about delight your marriage. Hi, there, it’s belah thank you for tuning in. I know you could be doing a ton of other things. So it means a lot to me that you’re with me, we are going to be talking about courage in intimacy, because that is a huge topic that I feel like we don’t really talk about. So I want to give you practical tools, I want to give you some spiritual guidance and how this makes sense in terms of followers of Jesus, as well as maybe some philosophical understandings around it. But before we dive in, I do want to thank you for everyone that prayed for this launch for the men’s program for everyone who was engaged to some capacity if you went through the men’s masterclass, if you were on the email list, if all all of the above Thank you, really, we have the biggest masculinity reclaimed program ever, we’ve had to add a whole nother class, because I don’t want to sacrifice anyone’s experience or FaceTime with me or the team. So I am just so grateful for you had this new this new beginning. So if you have missed the enrollment, or if you’re a woman, and you want to find out about how you can be part of the women’s, we may be able to have a conversation with you and figure out next steps on your site or what we could offer you. And if you do need that immediate help, you can go to delight your marriage.com/cc and you fill out an application, we decide if it’s the right fit. And if a clarity advisor would be able to have a clarity call with you. So you can go there for for that help. Otherwise, there’s a lot of free resources that you may not have seen that I offer you at delight your marriage.com/free. So there’s a lot for men, for women, for couples. So I encourage you to go there. Alright, so let’s go ahead and dive into this. Just an important topic that I think will bless you.
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So almost no matter who you are, if you are married, a long term committed relationship. Then courage is important in intimacy, husband or wife. It’s important maybe for different reasons, maybe four, different insecurities. But we have to have courage in order for us to be able to love our husband or our wife. Well. Because something about long term makes it more vulnerable. Something about this person knows all of me, they know all the good, all the bad, all the ugly, all the mistakes. They, they see it all. And I can’t hide. I can’t pretend this isn’t a short term thing, even, you know, maybe sometimes people date for a couple of years. But still, you can hide things for a short amount of time. But when it’s a long term deal, you see people at their worst or at their best or in between or the places that they are hypocritical, just because they live one way and they are totally different in other circumstances. So all that to say that for you to feel insecure, around sex in front of your spouse is super normal. And to normalize the fear, I think is the first step for you to figure out oh, that’s what I’m dealing with. That is the thing that’s keeping me from doing some kind of seduction or initiation as a wife or it’s keeping me from doing something a little more aggressive or more direct as a husband. And there’s many layers in between that a spouse might enjoy. It’s not that the husband has to be aggressive and that’s the only way she appreciates some kind of initiation. But there are lots of things that you may not be doing for yourself. House, out of insecurity, out of insecurity. So let’s kind of go through the things a husband might be avoiding, that would really impact his wife in terms of her desire for him sexually. And just, you know, I say it a lot. But sometimes I give you disciplines that are absolutely aligned with the Bible. And I’m like, Well, if your motivation is for sex, now I’m okay with that. Just get started God, God will purify your motivations and your heart in time. But for now, just start. So here’s some of the things that you may have insecurity around. So the first one is prayer, with your family, around what issues are going on, around even interceding for, for people you know, and care about, around interceding for people who are hurting in our country and around the world. So prayer, another one is leading your family spiritually in terms of sharing devotions, or reading the Word. And really making that habitual in your family. Those things are taking courage for you to start. Anything is starting anything new takes a lot of energy, and a lot of intentionality. And it only requires a lot of intentionality in the beginning, and a lot of energy in the beginning, and then it kind of flows because the habits, they’re the routines, they’re the precedent, the precedent is there. So you can just kind of fall back on, oh, this is what we do the or remember when you know, we did this, let’s do it again. That’s, that’s easier. But if you’re just starting, it’s hard. And I get that, but it is required for her to feel safe, that she can lean on you you are you have your eye on Jesus, you are guiding your family in that direction. That is one turn on. And and more importantly, I mean, this is your role. You get to lead your family towards Jesus in a very practical way. And that takes courage. It takes courage. It’s so funny, I was
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praying about this this morning in this topic. And you know, as it happens, and I don’t know if you do this, but it happens all the time. We’re all open the Bible and I’m like, Lord, I just ask that you. You give me some, some specific scripture around this. And of course, I open the Bible. You know, the first Chronicles, which you know, I don’t know when the last time you were in that book was but and shortly there into me reading about how David, this is. Chapter 22, David is, is telling Solomon his son, to build him a temple for the Lord build the temple for the Lord. And he pretty soon gets to the verse 13, where he says, Be strong and courageous. Fear not, do not be dismayed. So it’s kind of interesting, because it’s like, What in the world does he have to be brave about? I mean, you if you read the chapter, it’s like David’s basically saying, I’ve laid out everything for you. I’ve got a ton of money laid up for you. I’ve got tons of people that are going to work, but he’s like, Why? Why does Solomon have to be bold, strong and courageous. Fear not, do not be dismayed. Well, I think it’s just that when you’re doing anything new, it requires courage. When you’re doing anything aligned with God’s will. It requires courage, because the enemy doesn’t want you to do God’s will. And there, there’s a real battle going on. There’s real forces of darkness. And you get to stand firm and take courage to be strong and courageous. Fear not, do not be dismayed. And do God’s will, which is the first step is getting your family on track towards Jesus. And that means prayer. And that means devotions. And that means asking your wife about how she’s doing spiritually. What does she think about what God’s teaching her and how is she growing and asking your kids about those things? That’s courage. It takes courage to do that. To ask your wife about how she feels about the spiritual growth of their family. How does she feel about their kids and and how they’re learning about Jesus? How are they growing and what what areas of their character do we need to be praying for and encouraging them in. So that’s hugely requiring courage. Another thing that requires courage is for you to take care of the kids. And that sounds silly, but if your wife has been the primary caretaker of the children, then you probably have a lot of like insecurity around. I don’t even know what to do. Like, even as practical as how do I help them with their homework? How do I help them, get their stuff ready for school or for camp or for whatever they’re doing? I, I don’t know where things are, I don’t know how to help. It takes courage for you to get in there and say, Listen, what do you need me to do? Let me help. Let me grab whatever. It takes courage for you to change your habits around those things. It also takes courage for you to change your habits around helping in the home. Here’s why it takes courage to change some things of you being a helper now, where you maybe didn’t use to, is because when you change, it’s almost like you are. It’s almost like you are conceding, oh, my gosh, I haven’t been doing enough these last 20 years. Now I’m going to be doing more, you may be feeling sheepish around the the kind of public understanding of, well, if he’s helping now it must mean he wasn’t helping enough in the past. And I’ve got to say, just forget that forget that. This is who you are, as a man as a servant of Your wife as loving her as Christ loved the church as being as responsible for her as she is for the household. You’re you’re you both live there, you both you both occupy the space, you both are responsible for those wonderful kids that are running around. You get to help just as much as she does that end of story. If she is helping in the house more than you, there’s a problem. What, Why, what’s the problem? And certainly, you know, stay at home moms, it’s really just work from home moms, it means you’re working without a paycheck. So she’s working, you’re working you both are working all day long. And she just has to work until she falls asleep. I don’t think she’s going to have enough energy for sex, if she’s just working all till the night, right? She
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worked while you were at work. And you get to come home and you both get to share that. When you come home that that’s that’s the way it should be his I don’t know if you have ever gone a week without her helping with the kids. But it is hard work all throughout the day. It is hard work emotionally, physically. It’s hard. So yeah, you get to help. And if this is new for you, it’s going to be a little insecure. You’re going to feel sheepish, okay, that’s all right. It’s okay, that’s normal. Let’s change it. And if you want her to have energy at the end of the day, and be attracted to you, at the end of the day, doing the household work, is very attractive. My husband does the dishes and cleans the kitchen every night for me. And I say for me, because it’s more motivating to him if I say, Oh, thank you so much for doing that for me. And the truth is he’s doing it for our family, right? If the dishes didn’t get done, you know, the, it’s a family thing, but one of us needs to do it. So I’m gonna appreciate him and not take him for granted. And thank him for doing that for me. But in the same way when she does the dishes for the family, quote, unquote, you get to thank her for doing it for you. Like, honey, you didn’t have to do that. Thank you so much for doing the dishes for me. Yes, that is reality. Because if she didn’t do the dishes, you would have to. So please give each other credit for the work they’re doing in the home, it is huge, do not take each other for granted. That is a humungous turn off. So turn on his appreciation and gratitude turn off is that lack? Okay? The next thing you have to have courage for is around initiating itself. So there’s several different ways tiers of initiation, if you will. And I have a whole program about this in the masculinity reclaimed program. It’s a it’s a mini course. But yeah, it’s essentially you know, there’s kind of the indirect initiation where you’re doing something with with no strings attached, but if she wanted to go further, great, but if not, you have already set up your heart that there’s no strings attached. So you know, drawing her a bath or giving her Massage, and making it clear that there is no strings attached, I just want you to enjoy. But in your heart, you have to really know, there is no strings attached. So that’s tier one. Tier Two is more direct, where you might mention something earlier in the day, you might give her a text, you might make sure everything’s immaculate. And that yeah, that’s a direct initiation. But you have to really manage the moment to where it’s your energy you’re bringing, it’s your instigating, it’s your kind of movement towards intimacy, don’t like text her in the morning and assume she’s going to do all the energetic work of seduction by the evening. I mean, she may don’t expect that expect that you’re the one that’s going to say, hey, why don’t we go upstairs? Or, you know, if she seemed open to it earlier than that, in the day later in the day, you’re the one that brings it up again. And you’re the one that says, Hey, I’d love to have you. You know, Can we can we go in the other room. And then when she goes into the other room, you are the one that manages that transition of, oh, my gosh, look at you gorgeous, come here. And then you’re the one that that initiates. Now, one thing about courage is that that’s hard, I get it, I’m asking you to do things that you’re like, Oh, I’ve never done that. Or I’ve done it, you know, in the wrong way in the past, I get it. But with courage is you’ve got to
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keep your mind off yourself. Because it’s so easy when we’re insecure or fearful about a situation to feel so self conscious. And then our head is just in what are we doing? What do I look like? What am I? What am I doing? What does you know? Just it’s all the focus is on yourself. So you’re missing some of the feedback that she’s giving you the clues that she’s giving you about what she wants or doesn’t want? Because you’re so focused on? Am I doing this? Right? So my encouragement is, so let’s say you start you initiate a makeout session, but you’re not really paying attention to what her lips are doing? Does she want you to keep going? Is she pursuing her lips? Is she moving her neck and wanting you to go kiss her neck is, you know, what is she doing? But if you’re so focused on yourself, and like, oh my gosh, let me get this right. You’re not able to even notice her her feedback cues. So be really aware of that, yeah, take courage get started. But also notice where where she is, in the moment, be really present to her. So that’s, that’s that piece. And then the more aggressive initiation, you know what, think about it again, this is you getting understanding of her, right, you again, maybe you’re decades into this marriage thing, and this is brand new, to do any kind of aggressive anything. But you need to try new things for even her to know what turns her on. Trying new things is scary. And yes, I get that. But if you want her to feel turned on by you, you have got to start doing new things, you’ve got to do new aggression and, and just see you is see her. So So let me say this way. I usually talk about this in a certain love layer of the program a certain time because you need to go through quite a lot of healing and safety in your marriage. So this is kind of like if I’m talking to you, you are a man of character, you are kind you make her feel safe, she shares her feelings, you know how to hold her and her vulnerability. I mean, there’s so much groundwork that has to be laid before this piece. Because you’re in a long term marriage, which is different than a dating relationship or even a short term marriage, you know, early on in a marriage where it’s very easy to be kind of this aggressiveness and this playful and fierce and all these things. But if you’re in a long term marriage relationship she may not be open to the aggression. If she is feeling pressured if she’s felt just just a just a long term healing needs to occur first but anyway when you kind of have a conversation around would you like me to be more aggressive? Would you like me to you know, try new things with you to see if it turns you on and doesn’t and you just let me know if you want me to stop I’ll totally stop but if you like it, we can keep going. Like if you’re able to Have a conversation like that, then green lights, try new things, try going after her in a aggressive way interrupting her while she’s reading a book on the couch and kind of grabbing her in a more fierce way. Obviously not in a mean way or hurtful way. But I’m just trying new things. It takes courage. It takes courage, but those can be huge turn ons. Why is it so important that you have courage, you may be thinking,
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you know, compared to what I just read in the Bible, you know, how does courage matter? In your bedroom versus outside of your in the world. And I really think if we’re not courageous in our bedroom, if we don’t have courage there, I think courage lends to courage everywhere, I think the more courageous we are in one realm, it permeates into all the other realms. And I have to tell you, of course, in ministry, it takes courage to share the gospel, it takes courage to ask somebody who is sick, if I can pray for them. If you can pray for them, right? It takes courage to, to have that conversation and apologize when you really were not. You didn’t have the right tone in your voice or you weren’t as gentle as you should have. Even if you were quote, unquote, right, you should have been more gentle. It takes courage to look at yourself and say, God, how do I need to change? And how can I change it? How can I make it right with that person that I may have hurt or harmed, or all of these things take courage. And so if you’re taking courage in one realm of your life, it impacts these other realms of your life. I know that, as I believe I am a woman of courage. And I know that as I’m more courageous in intimacy, it impacts my courage and other realms of my life as well. When I’m more courageous in other realms of my life, I know it impacts the courage, I have an intimacy, they just go together. So when you are not courageous in one area, you are not courageous in other areas as well. And I think it’s God’s will, for us to be people of courage. We really cannot read the Bible and think that it doesn’t take courage to be a follower of Jesus, my gosh, I mean, Christians were persecuted. To be a Christian, it meant you are risking death, more than likely, even in countries today. People are risking their lives to follow Jesus. It takes courage to be a Christian. And so yes, I’m asking you to have courage with your intimate wife or husband, if you’re if your wife listening, yes, I’m asking you to take courage. But that’s, that’s the plight of a Jesus follower, we get to have courage all the time, all the time we get to what it is, I be strong, we get to be strong and courageous and fear not. So. So those are my encouragement for a husband and in for a wife. There are other things you need to take courage and one of them is, is surrendering, taking courage that your husband can handle more than you think he can, he can handle the things of his life that right now you want to control out of fear, you want to control out of fear, you’re not controlling because you you know, perfection is required. Really, it’s just fear that maybe you’re going to be judged by neighbors or you’re not going to be taken care of, or he’s not going to parent the way that you feel is required for your kids to have the best childhood you know what God is truly your, your, your children’s father, and, and there’s a trust and there’s certainly balanced with you know, I certainly don’t know the specifics of your family and, and the health needs of your family specifically, but I want you to just have a questioning heart is am I doing all of this out of fear is a lot of our arguments that I am engaging in and with my husband is it just because I am afraid he’s going to do it wrong, he is going to mess it up. He’s gonna mess the kids up. He’s gonna mess the home up. He is gonna make this thing look worse than it isn’t it should. He doesn’t know how to load the dishwasher. I mean, I’ve heard silly arguments. And if it’s based on fear, that’s not how God wants us to live. Controlling wives, it usually is about fear first. And if you look deeper, deeper and deeper and deeper To find out is this just fear is this just fear. And so it does take courage to trust our husbands and really let them flourish in front of us, because if we’re controlling, he’s gonna throw up his arms and say, Well, nevermind, I’m not even going to try because she is just going to criticize, complain, critique all of these things. And that’s, those are aspects of controlling and mothering. And he’s not going to be motivated to do anything else, all the things you want him to do, he’s not going to be motivated to do it. So it takes courage to release those things. And it takes courage also to surrender and intimacy. And not that you can’t be the aggressor sometimes and have that. We’ll talk about that in a minute. But it also takes courage to surrender and, and to be taken, if you will, it takes courage to to be okay with that, and, and to really get in your body and not to try to control that experience, and to release and let go. That takes courage. And then, like I said, it does take courage to be more of the aggressor or the seductive.
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person that’s got the the spotlight on you where you’ve got something beautiful and enticing on and maybe you’re doing some kind of pleasurable visual, or having some some kind of fun dance for him or whatever that takes courage. And yet, that’s truly a desire of your husband’s heart to see you in those ways. Because just like you want to be turned on, in order to make love, so does he he wants he wants to really want you and certainly he does. But I don’t want you as a wife wouldn’t actually want him to miss any of the experience of sexual intimacy, right? If it’s loving him well to take courage and try out some of these things, then take courage, then de courage, you can do it, I’m rooting for you. You can do more than you think you can. That’s why the program I have for wives is much less pushing you to do hard things, it’s more about just cheering you on. You know, you’re doing good stuff for you to listen to this conversation for you to consider taking the courage that I’m inviting you to take is something to be proud of yourself about, and I’m proud of you about. But the program for women is way more just cheering you on getting excited about one inch outside of your comfort zone. That is something to be applauded and to be proud of. And I’m proud of you. And you should be proud of you too. Because it’s not easy. The other thing that I think is important for us wives to realize is that if we are thinking that oh my gosh, my husband must be comparing me to XY and Z. I mean, we’re watching the Olympics right now, right. And these gymnasts are just unbelievably sculpted in every way. And they’re doing these amazing things. But also that’s the only thing they’re focused on doing and they’ve been working towards that moment their entire lives. So of course they’re going to be very sculpted, if you will. Isn’t, is going to help anything for me to compare my body to there’s like anything at all. What’s the help that that produces? Nothing? The answer is nothing. There’s nothing good. That comparison produces it even says in the Bible. Comparison is not wise. But you know what? I think it is even more clear when it says you should not cover it. You should not cover it that that’s on the same list as Do not murder. Coveting is bad. It’s wrong. It’s a sin. I was talking to another thought leader in this area and she said it’s idolatry. Coveting is not okay, comparing yourself is not okay. I mean, we have to be we have to be diligent but also violent. That’s the kind of the word I’m looking for is we need to be violent against this sin of covetousness as women that we’re not coveting somebody else’s body, somebody else’s face, their lack of wrinkles, their lack of cellulite like we cannot Do that and do God’s will, in our lives and in our marriage. Think about the amount of space in your mind that is taken up by comparison. And looking in the mirror, looking in the reflection as you’re walking by a window and wondering, how is my shirt fitting me? And do I look XY and Z? Or even taking a picture of yourself and deciding whether or not you look fat or attractive? Or whether you should post or all of these things? Is that the way God wants your mind to function? Does he want you to be thinking about that? I mean, my gosh, like, when I see myself in that zone, I’m just when I really think about it, and I really let myself have perspective and say, What? What would God think about this way of thinking? I mean, I am ashamed, we should be ashamed of that mindset. It is not godly. It is not okay.
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It I understand. It’s a struggle. And it’s, but we need to be diligent against it. Because this is a major way that the enemy is attacking women. And it is not good for your marriage. It’s not good for your intimacy. And if you’re bringing those thoughts, and you’re saying, Well, my husband sinned, because he looked at pornography. And so I am so insecure, because you know what that means you’re sitting because you’re bringing those images into your bedroom, you’re the one that’s thinking about it, that’s you judging your husband, that’s you thinking about what he must have seen, that’s you bringing those things to mind. And so if you can take responsibility for your mind, and discipline your thoughts to have courage and intimacy, that is what God’s will is for you. And just like I was talking about earlier, it permeates all these other spaces of your life. When you have courage. When you have courage, you’re not thinking about oh, my gosh, I look fat in this shirt. I mean, you’re thinking about what what God wants you to do today? How can you love your neighbor? Well, how can you serve someone better? How can you love your kids? Well, how can you help your kids become more of the men and women that God wants them to become? You open up all this capacity in your heart and mind and in thoughts and reading and pontificating on in all of these things, you open it up if you discipline yourself away from the sin of covetousness. Because we are not neighbors, you don’t know this about me. But I’m very inspired. By the way Steve Jobs would only wear the same outfit. Every day. He wore like a black, I think it was a black turtleneck and blue jeans. And he, I’m sure he had many like pairs of those clothes. But that’s what he wore every day. And the reason he did that was because he didn’t want his creative energy wasted when he put on his clothes in the morning. And, and I am very inspired by that. And I’m the same way I have just a handful of clothes and a very small handful. And I wear the same things over and over and over again. And probably if you were my neighbor, you would give me the stink eye of like, what is she? Why do I only see her in these clothes. But I just can’t let my creativity get wasted on what I’m wearing. I just I can’t and it’s not a judgment on anyone who doesn’t mind that but John the Baptist, or I can’t remember what animal skins and people thought he was crazy. Okay, fine. But he was the greatest man that ever lived on Jesus’s words. I mean, that’s a big deal. I don’t want my life wasted on things that don’t matter. That don’t matter, then certainly I mean, again, there’s no judgement, because who knows, maybe somebody is a fashion designer, and they’re able to bring people in that realm to Jesus, because they’re in that space. And if they dressed like me, they would never get in a space like that and have access to people like that. So I there is no judgment. There really isn’t. But I know for me, it is not my walk to care about those things. It’s not my walk. It’s not my walk to care about those things. My journey is to care about the things I know that God has put on my heart in my assignment, the humans that are in my assignment. And that’s not something that matters. It doesn’t matter to my husband. It doesn’t matter. I mean, he cares about the things I wear wear only he gets to see it. And he’s got plenty of those visuals to think about but what I wear out on the street does not matter to him. It doesn’t matter to me. It doesn’t matter Mike Kids. And it takes courage though, right? Because that’s against our society, I live in New York City. People care about what they wear. So it takes courage not to care and to have friends that do care, and I don’t care. Those are the kinds of choices and that’s just some one example. But when we are convinced of who God has called us to be, and what is true for us, then we have courage, and it permeates all these other places. So, yeah, that’s why courage is important in the bedroom, outside of the bedroom. It goes both ways. You as a husband get to have courage, you as a wife get to have courage. I think God cares about that. You know, maybe he is calling you to build a temple for himself, whatever that looks like, just like he was calling that of Solomon.
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And it requires you to not have fear requires you to do something new, requires you to do the effort of following God to a greater degree than you have before. So I want to pray that God would give you grace to understand and discern what he cares about what matters to him, what His will is for you. And for you to walk in that disciplined with courage. Lord Jesus, I love you, and, and I love that you guide us, and you are our leader, and you Holy Spirit are in this person and leading them and guiding them towards what matters in their life, Lord, give them grace to be disciplined. And to be courageous, to have a disciplined mind towards courage, Lord, that you didn’t say, try to not fear. You said, Fear not. Fear not. There is an action that we can push that away. It says the shield of faith protects all the fiery darts of the evil one, we have to choose faith. Choose faith, not fear. Take courage, give them the grace to take courage in the realms that you want them to. And in sex, God, that unified place that they get to have as husband and wife, Lord, give them the grace for courage there and that it permeate all these other areas of their lives, Lord, they are not a victim to their life guide you have given us so much more, so many more opportunities to have courage. And I asked God for this one listening God that they would be imbued with courage and strength in their inner man, even right now. In Jesus name. Amen. I love you. Thank you for listening to this. I just believe that what you needed from this conversation is what you took away with it from it. Thank you for listening. God bless you. And yeah, I look forward to speaking to you again soon. You can apply for clarity call if that’s the next step you feel as is you need, you need. You need the next step, Alaska clarity advisor to review your form and, and see if that’s the right thing for you. You can go to delight your marriage.com/cc God bless you. I love you and we’ll talk soon. Bye