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This is the next part of Communication Secrets and I think it’s an important addendum.
We talk about what to do when you’re disappointed with your spouse.
When you want them to change.
When you feel they were irresponsible.
I have two examples for you:
1 – When a friend was irresponsible and God brought conviction even when He kept me from saying anything.
2 – When I was irresponsible (I know—unbelievable!) and God brought conviction even when my husband didn’t say anything.
I hope this brings you encouragement, direction, and skills as you attempt to live God’s way in your marriage.
Love,
Belah
PS – The free Masterclass is coming up soon (for a limited time) and I encourage you to sign up ASAP so you don’t miss it! delightyourmarriage.com/masterclass
PPS – I’m excited to invite you to an “Intimacy Secrets Summit” that I was honored to be a part of. A superstar cast of intimacy experts that I would encourage you to get a seat with! Coming up next week!
transcript
0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage. Okay, welcome back. I’m so grateful that you’re joining me. Today we’re going to be talking about communication secrets. Now, I did the first part of this last week. And this is a continuation of that. And I encourage you to listen in and see how you might need to be shifting your perspectives around communication and, and gaining some new tools. Before we dive into that, I want to let you know that if you have been waiting for the men’s free masterclass, we did that a couple of months ago now. And it’s going to be opening up again, October 11. So you want to sign up as soon as you can go to delight your marriage.com/masterclass. So you can get all signed up and ready and put it on your calendar. Because assume that each lessons three lessons is going to be about an hour, including the training and some of the homework. And you can even be entered into winning, free coaching with me. And so you want to sign up as soon as you can. So you don’t forget and put it on your calendar, October 11 2021. All right, let’s go ahead and dive in to this important conversation.
1:50
So in my last conversation with you about communication, I encouraged you to do a couple of things. One is not to expect your spouse to be your best friend. They are coming from a very different world than you and they’re either a man or a woman, and they are completely different humans than you and assume that don’t assume that they’re coming to a conversation with the same worldview and the same mindset and even the same culture, regardless of whether or not they’re actually from the same geographic culture, if you will. But they’re coming from their own family and their own history and their own experience and what was normal in their family. That’s that what they’re bringing to your marriage. And so that’s what I encourage you in our last conversation is to assume that you’re going to be crafting a new culture in your marriage. And it’s not going to be the same as what you grew up with you the other thing I encourage you to do is not argue. And when I say that, I don’t mean don’t have disagreements. That’s not what I mean. But I do mean, the way that you come to disagreements is different, that you don’t do the bickering and the convert, you know, just the back and forth, meanness that just doesn’t matter. Instead, I encourage you to have a healthy respect for your spouse, and come to them with respectful comments and conversation just like you would to a boss, you’re not going to snip back and forth at a boss that would be ridiculous. And yet we do that to the person that means the very most in our lives. In fact, they’re our highest priority assignment on the earth, and yet, so frequently, we treat them the worst of all of those humans. In fact, we treat acquaintances better than we treat our spouse, frequently. And so I want to encourage you to absolutely change that about your marriage. Now, you may be thinking, Well, can I not speak about difficult things to my spouse? Well, what I want to encourage you to think about are a couple of things. One is what season are you all in? Are you in a really tough season. Now that could mean stuff outside of your marriage is happening? So, you know, maybe sickness by someone close to you, or difficult transitions are those sorts of things? Maybe right now is not the time to tackle a huge topic. Maybe you just need to wait it out for a couple of weeks or a couple of months. Most of the time. Timing can wait most. Most things can wait six months a year it can wait most of the time and think about it before bringing it up to your spouse. Can this wait Can this wait. And, you know, especially things with kids, it seems like everything’s important right now. But if you were to slowly implement something over the next six months, that may make your the, even the communication around it much calmer and more peaceful. Because I think God cares about the process in which we transition into a new phase of life. I think it matters, whether we are stressed and full of strife and anger, and bitterness and frustration in a hurry, and not spending time with him and not abiding in him, I think it matters, even if the end result is the same. Like let’s say we’re moving from one place to another. If we’re doing it in a way that doesn’t honor God, I think that matters. Even if, by the end of it, we’re getting the same result of moving homes or houses or whatever, wherever you’re going, or whatever you’re doing. And I can look at myself and say this, even getting out the door in the morning with my kids, like I think it matters. So whether I was frustrated at them to get out of the door on time, or whether I decided, You know what, 30 seconds of me just helping them with their shoes on keeping my tone of voice calm. That I think matters.
6:35
Really, I mean, I just when I imagined Jesus, when I understand what he said he just wasn’t a man of hurry. Even when things I would think are a big deal. Like Lazarus is sick about to die, Jesus decided to wait two more days in the place that he was at, because that’s where he was supposed to be or for whatever reason. And if I want my kids to grow up and follow Jesus, I had better set an example of following Jesus is better. Rather than following Jesus means we’ve got to be on time for church. And so we’re going to be yelling at each other all morning. That’s not the example I want to give them. And I do slip into this at times. And I’ve got to repent and come back, say, Jesus, I’m sorry. I messed up today, I need your help for today, this afternoon, or I need your help for the next day. I think we often have come concerns about this mindset. Because we feel like our spouse is wrong in a certain way. And they need to be convicted about the way they spoke to someone or the way they’re thinking about something or the way they did something or the way they treated our kids or whatever it may be. And I hear you on that. I’m tempted by that. To correct my husband as well, in the ways that I see. But my encouragement to you is to think about maybe it’s not your job, to convict your spouse, maybe is your job to love and provide space for Holy Spirit to do his work in your spouse. Maybe that’s what your job is, is to provide space for the Holy Spirit to convict and to introduce a need for repentance. It was so interesting. I was talking to someone just the other day and they had gotten in a really tough spot in their life. And throughout. You know what they were going through, I was just praying for them every day. And I told them that and I shared that I was praying for them throughout this situation. And it became very serious. But it did start with their choices. And I never mentioned that. I never mentioned that their choices led them to this, but I did listen as they were going through it. And like I said, I prayed for them daily. And you know, it became so severe that I even asked others to pray for them. And it was so fascinating because by God’s grace they got out of the situation. And when I was talking to them about just things that were going on in my life and hard and what I was learning and thinking about and those sorts of things. And then that person started talking about Again, the situation and how all these bad things had happened. And you’re in the back of my head, I wanted to say, so how are you going to make sure this doesn’t happen again, and really make that person think about how awful the choices they made led them to this problem. And by God’s grace, I think he just kept me from saying anything. And that person got off the phone, I could tell there was a, there was kind of this error about it that, you know, I was listening, I wasn’t judging and in, at least in a verbal way, I tried to keep my heart, you know, with them and empathizing with them. And if you won’t believe it, it was shocking to me. So they got off the phone, I just left it in God’s hands. I said, Thank You, Lord, for not letting me say anything to them. But I was shocked. They called me back.
10:56
And actually couldn’t pick up the phone at the moment because I was with the kids. And here’s a little tidbit that I’ve, I’ve learned, and I’m really happy about now that I, I practice, but when my, my phone rings, and let’s say someone that my kids know, and I’m like, Hey, do you want to talk to so and so? And they say no, I’m like, okay, no big deal. And so I don’t pick up because usually it means they want my attention, or it means they want, whatever it may be. So anyway, so I didn’t pick up. And then I went into the other room when I was gonna start making food or something for the kids. And that’s when I called them back. And, and that person went on to tell me the reasons they had made those choices. And then they finalized it with saying, Thank you so much for praying for me, in all of this. And I promise I’m gonna do a better time next time, a better job next time. And it was just like, man, God did all of those things. without me having to do anything, anything. All I had to do was love them make space for them do what God wanted. All I needed to do with was that and, and boom, God brought conviction, sweet, Holy Spirit, repentance and get this, like, consider. Now that person is closer to Jesus, because I didn’t get in there and try to correct what choices they made. But instead, they talk to God, they repented, they then called me back and apologized, which I didn’t ask for an apology. And so when we stay in our lane and do what we believe God wants us to do, which frequently is just praying for them and loving them, and listening and empathizing with them. And God gives them an opportunity to repent, just by being who you are to another. And so yes, that that story is really makes me sound like the hero, but let me tell you, I do plenty of not heroic things. But it turns out, God taught me in that situation like wow, belah, you don’t have to get in there. And, and do that, when you don’t have the grace for it in a in a relationship. So let me mention that now with my coaching clients, they are paying me to tell them what I think is right and wrong, and how to strategize around their situation. So I have the grace in that relationship, but in a relationship that they have not given me expressed permission to tell them what I think and they want that and they want my feedback. That’s not my place. That’s not my place. And so in a similar way, with my husband, it’s just not my place to get in there and tell him what I think about this and that and how he should grow in these different ways. And he may ask for things like that, he may want my feedback on that. But it’s pretty clear. He’ll make it clear if he wants me to give him feedback. But frequently, it’s just to listen. And it’s just a love him well, and to trust Him, that He can do it. That he’s on the path and God is speaking to him. Just like I want him to trust that God is speaking to me and that I’m growing. And so I’ve got to give my husband props just the other day I did something. Just irresponsible probably is the best way to say it, because I’m always growing and I’m also gonna, you know, make mistakes here and they’re super, super normal and human. And so just irresponsible. And you know, he asked me out of the context of that irresponsibility. He said what happened? And he said it in a very curious way. Not, not judgey but curious, like, what what happened in it? And I basically told him I, I made a bad choice. I’m sorry. And in the moment, I didn’t feel that sorry, but I knew I should be sorry. So I kind of I said it immediately because I knew I, you know, made a bad choice. And I should have said, Sorry, but later, I had an opportunity to talk some, some girlfriends and really be like, listen, folks, I messed up, I
15:33
made a mistake. I feel like I need to confess and what do you guys think? And they gave me their
15:38
their feedback and encouragement and all that and, and I felt like I could get back on the horse. And, and yes, I spent some time with God, just being like, Lord, I need your help. In this area, clearly, I need your help. And And if my husband had reamed me out and said, this is the this is what happened because you were responsible. Here’s, here’s how it affects me, here’s how it affects all these other things. And why did I do it at all that would have made me was defensive, and feeling even worse. Because like, I’m not, I’m not dumb, you know, and I don’t think we need to treat our spouses, like they’re dumb, or, you know, I know, my husband respects me, and He speaks to me with respect. And so if he had said, things in in the way that would have hurt my feelings, it would have just made me feel more ashamed and lower, and all of these things rather than having compassion on myself. So then I can do it better the next time. And I did do it better than next time. And so I just want to encourage you, that whatever situation you’re in, like, first of all, have grace with yourself in, you know, asking God for grace and His forgiveness and His help the next time around, and, but then also, with your spouse, they’re learning as well, they need your support, they need your encouragement. And I did you know, after feeling more empowered, after talking to some girlfriends about it, I, I did go back to my husband and say, Listen, I am really sorry, I understand, I know and I am going to do better and all of these things and and that that meant a lot to him. And his complete forgiveness allowed me to then get out of shame really quickly and get into, okay, what can I do about this? How can I, how can I get better. And we’re all on a journey. No one’s no one’s perfect. So even wherever you’ve gotten in terms of your growth, and the way God has taught you, and all these things, we still all have thorns in our sides, all of us. And it keeps us humble, and it keeps us pursuing Jesus and needing him. And that’s what I want to encourage you is to continue to recognize you have a thorn in your side, but also so does your spouse and having grace for them as they have a thorn in their side. Now, one thing that’s important to note is boundaries, boundaries are important. Boundaries are important. So just because they’re struggling, doesn’t mean, you then need to double up on your responsibilities, including their responsibilities, for example. So sometimes we have to have grace and we have to pool extra weight during seasons. And that’s okay. But there are times that because of your spouse’s bad choice, they have to kind of suffer for it. And you’ve got to just do it with a with a heart of knowing that, that God’s gonna give them the grace they need. You know, not in a digital show them kind of heart, like Be careful. But also that they say, you know, sometimes you make your bed, you’ve got to lie in it, that that might be the case. So I’ll give the example with my friend again. You know, they made some choices that, like I said, I mean, I wasn’t, there’s no, you know, wasn’t going to send them a bunch of money and get them out of the situation. It was it was up to them. You know, I was open to it if desperate measures were needed, but in some ways they they need to learn. And again, it’s not out of contempt or anger or any of that, but my role was to was to pray and give them the opportunity to learn from it. And just like my husband, he You know, ask me what happened and, you know, gave me a space and an opportunity to grow. Even though he was disappointed, I know he was disappointed. But he didn’t, you know, he was okay with me feeling badly for a while. And that’s okay. It doesn’t mean that you have to be sunshine and rainbows when they disappointed you. One thing that is a great skill that I would love for you to learn
20:41
is checking assumptions. If you’ve not heard me talk about pizza, zero, I really like him. I like his ministry. I’ve actually been to their church in Queens. He founded a church. And then now he’s gone on to really focus on his ministry, emotionally healthy relationships, and he’s got emotionally healthy discipleship and different things like that. He’s got a great podcast. So you can just search Pete SC zero, SCA, ZZ, er, oh, SCA zero. Anyway, so Pete talks about a skill called, don’t read people’s minds. And, and so as I mentioned previously, assume that you’re coming to a situation looking at things completely differently, don’t assume that you understand what the other is thinking or feeling. So if something hurt your feelings, and you’re harboring, you know, pain and anger and all these things, you may need to find out if that’s actually what they meant. And check your assumptions. So it’s a very simple skill, but I think it’s very powerful. And it’s basically saying to your spouse, can I check in assumption? And they have to say, Yes, before you continue, because maybe now is not the right time. And you need to make sure you’re, you know, you’ve got the right tone of voice, and you’ve got the right heart behind it. And you say, when you said, XYZ? Did you mean, ABC? And basically, what you’re doing is sharing this is what it meant to me, Is this accurate? And they have the opportunity to say yes or no. And then you have an opportunity to reflectively listen, and just say, okay, so you felt, duck, duck duck, is that is that right? And what that helps us, you might not need to defend yourself in that conversation, you might just need to hear them to listen well. And let things lie for a while. And again, maybe God will convict their heart, maybe their opinion of that situation will change. But if you try to fight it out, right, then now they’re going to dig in their heels, and they’re going to feel even stronger on that viewpoint. So it doesn’t mean that you’re sweeping it under the rug necessarily, you might just be deciding, when is the time to speak more about it. I just want to encourage you, just because you’re not speaking about something right now, doesn’t mean it’s being swept under the rug. That’s not my encouragement. I’m not saying go and sweep everything under the rug, I’m saying either let it go completely. So there’s nothing to sweep under the rug, you let it go, you realized it didn’t actually matter? Or I’m inviting you to say, is this the season? Is this the time to bring it up? Or am I even saying maybe drop a seed that may shift things over the next six months of dropping seeds? And that actually came from Daniel, Ayman, who is a doctor of the brain. And he has got several books. And anyway, he’s he’s got some really good material out there. But one thing he says is, you know, if you’re trying to get somebody to change their habits, or what have you, he says, plant seeds, but protect the relationship. And I really like that. So if you’re trying to get somebody to change if you’re trying to influence somebody, plant seeds little by little by little expand the timeline, and protect the relationship along the way. So I want to invite you kind of my last encouragement is to respond to disappointment in your spouse with curiosity. Your spouse has a good good Let me say it this way your spouse is a smart person, your spouse is seeking to be a good spouse to you, they they want to be fulfilled in life just like you do. Now, whether or not they’re following Jesus, or you guys are equally yoked or those sorts of things, maybe you guys aren’t on the same page with that. But you can still assume the best and you can still give them the benefit of the doubt. And they can sense if you’re not, they can sense if you
25:29
think that they’re bad, they can sense it. And it impacts whether or not they feel they can thrive in their life, you know, You are the closest relationship to them, and what you think about them matters to their self concept. Now, if you have a good concept of them, it’s going to impact the way they see themselves. And the way they see themselves is going to impact their behavior. So I want to invite you to think good things about your spouse, realize that God has designed them and crafted them and created them and given them really awesome talents and gifts and things that you don’t even know about yet. And when you see them that way, they’re going to become more keen on you, because you’re actually a great place to hang out. They want to hang out with you because you like them.
26:31
So there’s a little tip also.
26:35
So let’s summarize what I’ve talked about in this conversation around communication. I talked about assume that you’re coming into a conversation with a very different you viewpoint, assume that you guys are valid in coming to a situation with a very different viewpoint, decide whether or not it’s the timing or the season to bring up a topic or bring up an issue. Also recognize where you guys are just in terms of emotional connection, in a very micro way, like is this the right timing based on how you guys in the last 24 hours have been towards each other. You know, if you’re having a really rocky moment, now is not the time to bring up really tough things. Also, my other encouragement is to recognize that it’s not your job to convict your spouse to give them space, and respond to your disappointment in them with curiosity. And again, space and have appropriate boundaries, it’s not on you to pick up all of the pieces, sometimes they need to experience some of the difficulty that they themselves have created. But I also want you to let things go most of the time, not sweep it under the rug, but literally recognize it doesn’t matter. For many of the issues like really write down what the issues are you have with your spouse and recognize, gosh, is this worth the the difficulty that I’m having with that person or with my spouse. And then the other piece that I just want to encourage you to check assumptions, you know, when when things happen, that doesn’t have to be frequently checking assumptions. But when something big happens, and you need some clarity, because it really hurt you. Checking assumptions, get make sure you understand what really went on for them, because it might not have gone on in them the way you thought it did. And the final thing is like your spouse, really recognize that that’s the daughter or son of the Most High. And God design them. And he thinks they’re pretty awesome. And when you like your spouse more, they like you more and it’s a really a great spiral upwards. And I want to encourage you for that. Alright, let’s pray. Father, I asked that whatever needed to be said and heard by the person listening, that that’s what would go with them, Lord, anything that didn’t apply to them, Lord, give them a grace to just shake it off. And it wasn’t helpful for them. But maybe it was helpful for someone else. And Lord, I asked God that communication would be really effective in their marriage, Lord, that whether it’s what they say or don’t say, that there’s the communication that allows both of them to grow into the people, you want them to be God and I pray for this person that you give them grace to forgive and to move forward in ways that are best for them for their spouse and for their family. Lord, I pray against any loneliness that this person may feel in their marriage. God and I pray Lord that they would be on a path for connection and growth and deeper, deeper truer love with their spouse. In Jesus name, amen. Thank you so much for listening. Again if if you want some additional masterclass with me, it’s free and it only comes around a couple times a year so go to delight your marriage.com/masterclass Sign up soon as you can get it on your calendar starting October 11 Alright, God bless you and I look forward to speaking to you again soon.