0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage. Hi, there, I’m so grateful that you join me, and that you are inching closer and closer to having hope that things could change for you, for your marriage for your intimacy. Maybe it’s just duty sex, and there’s no engagement, no enthusiasm. She’s just there, filling your, quote, physical need. Or maybe you guys are on the brink of disaster, divorce, this horrific $15,000 thing that That’s horrific for your family and your finances and all of these issues. Or maybe you guys just fight all the time, and you never feel like you get to be yourself. admiration, respect, it’s absolutely not there. Well, I want to invite you to listen to the stories, because they’re kind of rapid fire, if you will, one right after the other where these men have truly decided, You know what, I’m not going to play the victim anymore in my own life. I’m going to see how I can change myself. And here we’ve got gentleman, who’s a missionary, a gentleman who’s a financial advisor, I actually don’t know what they somebody’s a doctor, another one’s a fireman, we’ve got all sorts, and at least half of them maybe more, their wife didn’t know that they did the program, at least in the beginning for the first few months. So God is good and has transformed these marriages in huge ways, in just three months. So if he can do it for these guys, he can do it for you. He can do it for you. And that’s my hope is that through these gentlemen stories, you would get inspired and activated and excited that if it can happen for them, it can happen for you. That’s my prayer as you listen. And before we do, dive into their story, I want to make sure you know that enrollment into the program. They took masculinity reclaimed, be respected, enjoy fierce intimacy and love being married again, that program closes enrollment, this coming Monday, October 18 at 11:59pm, Eastern Standard Time. So get in this thing and roll as soon as you can. And let’s see the transformation together by God’s grace. Alright, let’s dive into their stories.

3:02
My family of origin, very rough. And I think I came into marriage with those expectations. I didn’t intend to be as rough as my dad. But I sure didn’t think my wife was going to stand up to me and tell me where the ball bounced. I thought she was going to smooth it and do what my mom did, right? And truth be told, I was at a phase where I was I was shut down. I didn’t want to change anymore. I felt now granted I was I’m still a mess, but I was a much bigger mess at the very start for marriage. Right? Because I came from a family that he kind of went to church on Sunday, and then you live like hell the rest of the week. Right? You know, I’m at a point where, you know, I I read the Word of God, I memorize Scripture I disciple men, right. I feel like I’ve really, really done a lot in that area. Okay, so I felt like I’ve been changing for 20 years. It’s her turn, I was highly frustrated. I have a friend who had worked with you in the past. And so I knew that you really knew what you were doing. And so I’m I’m having to deal with all of this hurt. Right? That that is covered up by this anger. And then anger is coming out to her. It’s coming out to friends. It’s coming out when I’m driving down the road. It’s coming out at work, right? So I’m, I’m getting fired from jobs. I’m doing all kinds of stuff that has been the, the genesis of this was was rowing personally, for lack of better term thinking I’ve arrived or at least it’s not my turn anymore. Submitting to the fact that I know you really know what you’re doing. Therefore, I’m willing to do something I don’t want to do because I know what’s what I need to do. My wife is a wonderful godly woman. And one of the challenges was that, you know, a lot of times I felt that she would attend sex. But she wasn’t a participant, right? Like Jesus says, Hey, you were here with me, but your heart is far from Why is she far from me? What have I, what have I done? You know, like when you watch the cartoons, or nail and those would things up on the door? No. Like my bad behavior is like nailing these wood things on the door, her intimacy, the big aha moment was I watched two guys in the class. You were very transparent, very frank with those guys. And you were telling them what they really needed to hear. And,

5:41
but it wasn’t easy to hear. And I realized then that you love them enough to tell them the truth, because it is a simple course. It is not an easy course, what has changed a ton that’s very important, is I feel her heart is open to me now. Right? I feel she she shares with me I feel she she values my input, I feel she wants to tell me about her life and what’s going on at a at a much deeper level than she did 12 weeks ago. Right? For me, this is very serious, because it’s about my future in my marriage, and in my life, and my witness, and so many things beyond just am I getting crazy, well have sex in the bedroom, like granted, I want to get there. But, but if I can be about all the other things, when I do get there, there’ll be so much other wonderful fruit beyond just that piece. And I’m willing to do whatever it takes, okay, I’m willing to do whatever it takes to change, to change me, right to lead and change for my family. And not just for my family today, but for my kids, for my grandkids to create this legacy. Right? Then Then, then then you’re ready for this because you’re willing to do whatever it takes. And so if I’m going to do it, I want to talk to you and do it for real, right, I don’t want to listen to the free thing, and spend a bunch of time and get 5% I’d rather let’s go all in and get 100% as a guy who, you know, money’s important to him. You’ve never spent any better money in your life. I mean, if you got to work a second job, or, you know, honestly go get a loan or whatever. It’s worth paying to be in and do the real thing and really get time with you because the podcasts are valuable. But I can’t tell you how many times what I really learned was from a question another guy had in the group, because they either implemented better, or they were just better thinkers than me. Or they were worse thinkers and worse implementers than me. So they had a better question, right? Or whatever. But there would be these questions you would ask them I go, Oh, my gosh, that’s it, right? Or I would see maybe the humble spirit of a guy who’s really having some good success and say, hmm, I see. I see. I see the guys this is working for and I see the guys this is not working for and I know which team I need to get on. Right. My heart’s desire is that other people find out about it. And it might not be a secret, right? Because I really believe in what you do.

8:27
I was raised really conservative, not quite Amish, but similar to it. She was born in Russia, adopted to the US and she was 10. And the adoption here in the US did not go well. She was three, three years with her adoptive parents and was sent away because she was troubled. From then on she was just kind of on her own. So she has the other unprotected just completely thrown to the wolves experience. It’s been a very interesting marriage coming from very, very protected from the world to completely unprotected from any of the horrible things in the world. But God’s and we’ve been growing. Thankfully, we found Mr. Basically, for the whole I guess intimacy part of it, because we’re good friends, we get along really well. But intimacy, which is very, very uncomfortable, empty, that’s the word for intimacy is empty. I didn’t intentionally set aside any time at all for my wife, I would just kind of winging it and hoping that as I lived, I guess I was loving her something. It was more of a reactive type of love. Maybe. I think that’s a good way to say how reactive love I was reacting to what she wanted what she needed and thought that was loving her. But what you were saying and the way you were praying I was like, this woman is talking like, in line with what I believe the Bible teaches about intimacy. I signed up for the master class told my wife, I’m doing it. She’s like, Alright, that sounds good. Because she’s frustrated, too. She doesn’t feel sexually attracted to me, which I found out was due to the I didn’t have a foundation of trust and safety at all. But the safety, the gratefulness, that was so devoid, I was ridiculously critical of everything she did through the course, through seeking that in my wife just looking for looking for the good. I guess I feel admired by her now. She mentioned she need to take a shower. So will you mind if I join? And check? Yes, please. And so I then ran into the bathroom and listen candles and put them up on top of the shower. And then some on the mirror. So reflect off the mirror on the ceiling, and told her, Hey, I got a little surprise going on in there for nothing sexual, no get nothing like that. This is just I want you to relax and try to make a relaxing atmosphere because she’d had some stressful stuff. And so we had a candlelit shower, and I washed her hair, she has really beautiful long hair. And it was really, really intimate that the closeness we felt just sharing that experience. Like I had mentioned earlier this week, we had taken her down to the little date fast food down by the pond with a fountain. We’re sitting on a bench facing each other talking and we ended up she put her legs over top mine and we’re just sitting there like hugging each other. That’s like, even in our dating. We weren’t this. Gucci Gucci Smoochie, Smoochie stuff, you know, we were at a new level in our marriage that we haven’t been before when it comes to emotional intimacy. I asked her just out of curiosity, what time what’s a good frequency for you to be intimate? You know, just what do you think it’d be a good, good amount of time. Because I’ve told her, you know, twice a week like that, I guess she said, three, I don’t know of anyone, or have read any book that has the correct perspective on gratitude for your wife, really comprehending how she’s a daughter of a king, and having the focus of her spiritual growth. And then all these other things, just like Jesus said, Seek first the kingdom of God, and all these things will be added to you. That’s the thing, seek the kingdom in in your life, seek the kingdom and your wife’s life. That is, if you do that, then there’s no end to all the intimacy, like the things I’m feeling in my heart, that’s what was missing, we would have sex, and it was exciting sex, it was different positions at all, taking turns going down on each other, the physical part was there. But in our heart, it was just empty afterwards. And all the physical stuff happened. Everybody got what they needed from it. But the hearts were just empty. And now that we’re focused on the, on each other spiritually and on God, and doing the little and the gratitude and really treating her like she’s really something which she is.

13:27
Yeah, it’s it is so so worth it, go sell your gun, if you have to, to, it’s not a $50 course. But go sell your gun if you have to, or your guitar, because those are, this is how important this is because you never sell guns, and you never sell guitars. But if you have anything that you need to sell to afford this, you do it. If you’re serious, serious about standing in front of God in front of Jesus, and you literally want to say, I got it, I did it. And I want to hear him say well done.

14:02
I felt like we had a fairly good relationship. You know, we were both really madly in love with each other. But as time goes on, you know, the newness wears off. You know, we’ve been married now 13 years. Life happens, family happens, you know, a lot of things occur and sometimes the spark isn’t there. Yeah. And then, you know, sometimes their struggles and I was listening to your podcast. And, you know, I’d been going through some changes in my, in my life as far as you know, I was having struggles in my marriage and I think because a lot of it had to do with my experience with pornography, and I kind of let that creep into my life. and had never really shut the door on it, it always kind of was kind of an open thing with me, it’s like, I could never just say, You know what, I don’t want this anymore. But then I started realizing, you know, this is really affecting my relationship with God. And it’s really, I think, affecting my relationship with my wife too, because I just felt like, I was getting angry at her because, you know, I felt like my needs weren’t being met, and they weren’t being met the way I wanted them to be met. And I was just getting angry. And it was like, you know, that’s not fair to her. And this is just, this is just not the way you know, I need to be living, you know, I really want deep down, I really wanted a sincere, emotionally close, connected marriage. But I could see that that just, those two didn’t equate. So I was sort of on a path to try to learn more about marriage and how God really wants marriage to be. Because I feel like I didn’t ever really learn that it’s not something you’re taught. And if you’re not, if you don’t see that in your family, you know, when you were growing up and stuff, you really don’t have a good path to go on, you know, you just, you’re out there, and you’re swimming, but you just don’t know which way to go sort of. So, anyway, so I started doing some research. And that’s how I found your podcast. I really saw, she noticed, I think that I was paying more attention to her, you know, and I was listening, and really caring about what she was saying. Because I, you know, I think you get in the habit of, or at least I did that just, you know, kind of almost, you’re like your roommate, she’s talking about what we need to get the car fix next week, you know, we need to put this on the schedule, what are we going to do for our vacation next month, stuff like that? But nothing? Where what how are you feeling, you know, how’s your day going, you know, those kind of things, there was a time during the program where I think she initiated like, five days in a row, this is really a change, and I love it. But it’s just wonderful to be able to see her be so open and, and not feel like it’s something that she needs to be doing for me. And that’s what I want, I want freedom in our relationship. I want her to feel free. And I want her to be able to give, because she wants to, you know what I mean? And not because it’s her duty, you know? That’s No, that’s no fun. I mean, I’ve learned so much, there’s so much material. In fact, you know, I’m going back through it. And I’m gonna just continue to apply the principles, because I really feel that this is God led. And God really wants us as men to love our wives in a way that I don’t think we really know how until we’re taught, you know, and I’ve been really thankful for you belah being able to share these these truths to us. Because you’re rare, there’s just not I mean, there’s books out there and stuff, but there’s really not this type of program, you know, where you can be in a group of guys, you know, where you’re all going through it together, and you’re realizing, hey, you know, there are other men out there just like me, in fact, there’s a lot of them in the worst situations and me, you know, and wow, they’re making progress. They’re growing. And it’s just like, it’s so heartening to see that happened, you know,

18:40
and to see these other guys marriages just turn around as well. So I really believe in your program, and I believe that God is really blessing a lot of marriages and families because of it. Yeah, just go for it. If you’re if you’re on the edge, I really do believe you really benefit everybody in this program has benefited in some of these guys were just really, really at a hard point in their marriage. So I would say if you just feel like hopeless in your marriage, I really do believe you’ll get help. And you really will be able to turn things in your marriage.

19:22
Okay, well, I am a missionary working in a semi remote part of the Amazon and South America. And so, being a missionary and living overseas, there’s just a lot of stress that goes with that. And so we were dealing with a lot of that. Just a failure on both sides to prioritize the other. And so now on the one hand, we had a good marriage, we have a greater marriage now a better marriage. The issue I was having was just a lack of physical intimacy or it feeling forced. Yeah, it was a A lot, a lot of times it was more of a duty for her versus Oh, yeah, we get to do this. We have three kids. They’re all toddler age. To be fair, it is an exhausting life, especially for my wife to have all those responsibilities along with, okay, you’re in a different culture, different language, it’s just that a lot of stress. For me, it was very easy to get lost in ministry and to focus on ministry and to remember that, no, my family needs to come first, my wife needs to come first. And now that’s not obviously God has to be the most important relationship. But my wife still comes before the work. And I need to love her. And her way, the way that she receives love, I don’t care if you’re a missionary, or if you’re just a church goer, I think people put a little too much emphasis on missionaries being these, these heroes of the faith where we have all the same struggles, we just do it in different location, through the program, me backing off giving her the opportunity to initiate giving her the option just to have a chance versus me whining, which I don’t like to admit that. But yes, I was whining, it was very much a a victim mentality. And so I often would encourage her to read this article or read this book. And I was essentially saying that, you know, the relationship problems with her fault. And so I think that really kind of took her by surprise when I was acknowledging blame. And I was actually taking action to, to further I relationship, God had already been working on me just convicted me of having that victim mentality of if I want change, I need to be the change. I never said it out loud. But essentially, I was blaming her for our lack of physical intimacy. And I, I did not want to put any pressure on her. Well, because I’m doing this, you should react like this. I didn’t want that at all. I wanted everything to be genuine. I wanted it to be sincere. I don’t want her to feel pressured to react in a certain way. It has been kind of encouraging to see other guys struggling in the same way that I’m struggling. And to get that encouragement of, hey, there’s going to be setbacks. But that doesn’t mean you stop. It just helps you know better. Okay, how do I put the next step forward? My wife of her I love her even more now than I did before the the course. She was always more of a basically, okay, let’s do this, let’s get this over with. And like I said, it was it was a lot of times it was duty. And, guys, me that just that does not cry, love, I love my spouse, that just kind of okay. There’s, it’s just not a fun way to have physical intimacy. And so now she desires it, which in turn tells me that she desires me that is huge. That’s huge for me, as a husband, to have that emotion that my wife desires me. For her to actually be willing to explore a little bit to be more passionate. That speaks volumes to me test to know that my wife desires me That Man That is awesome. That’s that’s a such a wonderful thing to have. And is a night and day difference between now and before the course. She’s more generous now like and put it that way. And not. She was already generous person. But to explain, like I said, with physical intimacy was always a duty. She is so much more generous and making love and just enjoying what we do. And so that has been, that’s probably been one of the bigger things that I’ve noticed recently was just her generosity and at all. Well, obviously, I would encourage everybody to take the masterclass because it’s free, you can’t lose anything there. So that would be first of all, encourage everybody to do that.

24:21
On top of that, I thought the EMR course was just fantastic. And even though I wasn’t sure how it would end up, if it was worth all the time invested in it, it was worth the financial investment. It was worth it. And so I would definitely encourage men to to take part in it. Over the years, I guess it kind of turned into more roommates than a married couple. That type of thing. So yeah, but this program definitely changed that. And it’s it’s amazing how much we’ve changed since I started it. And she still doesn’t know that. So it’s all it was all on me, just making the change, I’m glad, I’m glad to be where we are now. Because now it’s, it’s changed a lot. I can give kind of an example, we went to Disney World last year, you can kind of imagine how stressful that can be with kids and family and everything going on. And we were at each other the whole week. You know, it was my son was fine, because he saw how that was. And it has really changed us now. You know, I mean, it’s like that, if we do have a little argument or something that is not going to be in front of them anymore. I think I think the biggest one that I don’t remember which module, it was where we went over the listening and, and talked a lot about just not really reading into things, but really listening and hearing what it actually is that that changed, that really changed me. And in turn, it changed our relationship. I didn’t like the direction our marriage was headed. You know, my I came from a divorced family. My mom and dad divorced when I was 10. I’ve always said to my whole marriage, I don’t want it. I don’t want us to turn out like that. So I thought, okay, something’s got to give. And the spiritual side of it, you know that I want to I want to our marriage to be what God wants our marriage to be not, not what the world thinks it shouldn’t be.

26:49
Your friend that took it does that? I did. I did.

26:54
But yeah, he, he mentioned it to me. And, you know, we would talk in the mornings because he was on a different shift. And so we would, we would talk about Bible verses and things and and just one morning, I came in, and we just happen to be talking and he said, I got something I want you to take a look at. And I did and I was like, this might be what I was looking for. Yeah. Wow. And wow. I mean, I’ve thanked him. I don’t know how many times and I think you for the program to be in that we were all in a group. I could, I could see how someone could go down some of those paths of the pornography and that type of stuff. I never really had an issue with that. But I can understand and even being at a fire station. I mean, you could imagine the things that guys talk about and see. And so it kind of opened my eyes to that. And so I mean, it’s not just one, one little thing that it fixes, there’s a whole lot of things in this program that opened my mind and actually changed my mindset to a positive in a positive

28:09
way. Do you mind sharing what intimacy was like before

28:13
the program? Like a schedule, that there was more I think it was she, she felt like obligated. And, and it was also something that she felt like I was always after. And it’s funny, but the less I look forward or after it now, the more it happens. So it’s a different it’s, it’s weird, but it works that way like and she’s she’s a couple times. She’s called me up and stuff. And I’ve said, I said Well, honey, you’re fired. You know, if you don’t want to unite, it’s okay. And it’s like a shock to her. She’s like it changed. It changed a lot. Now it’s more of now I want you to come up while you can. But I want you to definitely change that. And it’s more, there’s more of a connection. There. It used to be just something that we did, but now it’s actually there’s a connection. She’s always been one that if the kids were at home or the kids were awake, it is not happening. And there’s been quite a few times she’s called me up and she just got out of the bath or something and she likes a tech she’s a big texter. She texts me and she said Hey, can you grab me a water and bring it up here real quick. And then we’re gonna have a little quickie in the closet. And I’m like, Hey, this is this is cool. Yeah, it’s definitely changed this boats. I don’t know if I’ll tell her about I still haven’t kind of figured that out yet. If she knew about it, she may think that there was a hidden agenda, but there’s not. It started out that way. Yeah, I’ll be honest. But it changed me in the process. So I definitely didn’t, didn’t go into the program thinking that this was the only thing I want out of it. But it’s definitely a benefit. She sent me a text and just thanking me for how much I’ve changed and helped her and she’s seen a big change in me lately. And she’s, you know, so yeah, it was a long text. I can’t remember everything, but it was it was positive, and it was a good one. I would say, Get past the financial side of it, because it will change everything. It’ll change your marriage, not only on the intimacy, intimacy, sad, but your mindset. Also. I mean, I felt more like it brought me closer to God, definitely, I’ll definitely recommend this for my children, whenever they get where they’re going to get married.

31:10
Absolutely amazing. It is just awesome to witness these guys change on the inside and what God does in their marriages. Because it’s not just it is your heart. It’s not just your heart. It’s also the skills you need. It’s also the tools, the perspective, the framework, it’s a whole program, step by step by step, if you don’t get module one, module seven will not help. That’s kind of the way it goes. And all the dens will tell you the first three, four modules are the most important ones, and they lasts throughout the rest of the program. And it takes time to heal a marriage. Three months is what it takes. This is an absolute system. Step one, step two, step three, all the way and we’re with you in it, we will help you implement will help guide you and support you and encourage you along the way. That’s why these guys marriages have transformed the way they have night and day differences is what they’ve said. Yeah, so I encourage you join us go to delight your marriage.com Let’s do this together by God’s grace and witness. The absolute best holiday season you’ve ever had the most romantic Christmas you’ve ever enjoyed as a couple. Some of these guys, you heard them better than even when they were dating. But you’ve got to make the commitment. You’ve got to decide now is my time. And join us delight your marriage.com Click the link and come right in. God bless you. I’ll see you on the inside. We’ll do this together. Let’s go