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I used to be so weirded out by sex because I was pursuing Jesus with everything.
How could my life be sold out for Christ and have to engage in such carnal behavior?
Then God opened my eyes to quite a lot. I hope you’ll listen to today’s podcast with an open heart and willingness to let Him reveal His true design and desire for you in your marriage.
Love & Blessings,
Belah
PS – if you need immediate help with your marriage/intimacy please set up a call with a Clarity Advisor to see how we can help: delightyourmarriage.com/cc
transcript
0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage. Hi there and welcome. This is Bella. And I want to thank you so much for joining me. We’re going to be talking about what intimacy has to do with the gospel. I know for me growing up, and even as an adult, there were times that I felt like and this is so weird sex is so completely separate than my walk with God, why is sex even a part of life? Or what? How does this work? And I want to really elucidate some things to help us understand the beauty of intimacy and how it is very relevant to our walk and following of disciples of Christ. Yeah, so I think this is an important topic, I think it needs to be discussed. And it needs to be uncovered, of how intimacy has absolutely to do with our walk with Jesus. And it’s unfortunate that a lot of times I work with husbands, where they are suffering in their marriages, and they’re married to women who love Jesus. And they want to follow Him with all of their heart with all of their soul with all of their mind and with all of their strength. And they’re seeking to love their neighbor as their selves, like they are seeking to do God’s will in the world. And so when this thing is backwards, it’s really confusing for their husbands. Because they feel like, wait a second, she’s supposed to be loving God with all and yet, sex is not something she prioritizes. And a lot of times to her, she’s like, Yeah, What does sex have to do with God? That’s crazy different. Like, why are we even putting two and two together? That’s completely awful. Not only that, but she may be really offended and even scandalized by the type of things that you as a husband want her to do. And so with that in mind, I really want to give you some insights, whether you’re the husband or the wife listening, kind of on both sides, so that you can, in a sense, speak each other’s languages. I’ve had people tell me that that I’m kind of like a translator, between husbands and wives. I’m very honored to to be called that. But the idea is that when Jesus asks us to love him with all and then he says, to love your neighbor as yourself, what does that even mean? To love your neighbor as yourself? Well, your husband is your highest priority neighbor, your your first human assignment, as I call it,
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or your wife, it’s your spouse. And so to love them well. You need to love them in the way that they receive love, not in the way that you receive love, but in the way that they do. Because otherwise you’re not really loving them, if you’re just doing what you wish that they would do to you, that’s just that’s your you’re not getting outside of yourself at all. And so when you seek to find out how your spouse wants to be loved, then you seek to feel that you are loving them well. So you may have heard of The Five Love Languages, which wonderful resource. But I would posit that there’s actually a framework between men and women that comes underneath of that. And so for men, what he’s seeking is to be respected, admired and wholehearted sexual intimacy. And what she is seeking is to be safe, known and wholeheartedly cherished. And when those things are filled up in your marriages, in a sense, it’s almost natural to seek to love the other, and then ways that they receive love. And if you think about it, what was dating, relationship, I mean, dating or early marriage, it almost was a natural response to love your spouse in those ways, because you kind of knew that she wanted the romance the that sort of wholeheartedly cherished. Or, as a wife, you probably understood that he was a visual and he wanted to see a little extra skin and you wanted to be flirty and intimately engaged. But now that you may be a decade into this thing, or several decades into this thing called marriage, you may have kind of fallen off the intentional bandwagon of loving your spouse well. And so what I want to encourage you is What does intimacy have to do with the gospel? Well, it has to do with us being intentional to love our first human assignment well. And we’ve got to do that in two ways. We’ve got to do that in our hearts. And we’ve got to do that in our actions, our behavior. And that really does mean if you know your husband feels loved through sexual intimacy, this is something you are giving yourself to, you are highly prioritizing it. You are causing this to be important to you so much so that you’re going to make sure you have rest in your life, you’re going to make sure that you have time set aside for this, you’re going to make sure you are learning and you’re growing in this important ministry to the man you love. I mean, this fills up his heart. If you could only be on the calls with me when I speak to these men in a group setting or one on one. It feeds their soul their spirits. They are a different man, they they’re fresh, they’re encouraged. They’re, they feel like everything’s okay. Their insight in xiety goes down their ability to breathe deeper and Technicolor environment around the world like they everything feels better when they’re able to engage with you in intimacy. But it’s not just duty. It’s got to be wholehearted. It’s got to be that I want to be here. I enjoy that experience with you. And it’s passionate, and I’m enjoying it and that there’s pleasure for me. That’s what he’s craving. He wants you to enjoy yourself. He wants you to care about this important aspect of your connection and of your life together. And so it is the heart, it is the heart. And it’s also the actions. Another way you could say it is faith and works. Right? It can’t just be the heart and it can’t just be the actions. It’s got to be both together that wholehearted sexual connection where you are present where you do pursue it. And where in your life, your culture, your marriage. There’s flirtiness and there’s fun and there’s playfulness together. I mean, that’s that’s the desire that your husband is craving. And so yes when you have decided you are going to love your spouse the way you want it to be loved.
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Then you discover what they want. You discover that And you love in accordance with that. Not in a duty way. But in a way of I will learn to enjoy this, I will learn to gain pleasure from this, because I know that it feeds my spouse. This is a worthwhile endeavor. This is a high priority pursuit. And you know, what I love is looking at other cultures around the world, because they live very differently. And the more we can get out of our own culture, the more we can see, oh, a lot of the things I’m thinking are required in my life are not required. I don’t have to be on every committee, I don’t have to volunteer for everything. It’s not going to detrimentally harm my kids, if they’re only involved in one activity per season, or maybe none on the busy seasons, I don’t have to say yes to every project, my boss gives me I don’t have to make this much money, I don’t have to buy that expensive house, I can downgrade and have less in my life. I don’t have to buy all these things. Like, I don’t have to make my lawn look as good as my neighbors. I don’t know what you’re saying is required in you are in your lifestyle. But I don’t think that’s God’s will. Like think about how Jesus talked to Mary and Martha. Martha was doing what she was expected to do. She was running around, she was getting everything prepared, she was being very productive. And get Jesus like Mary had her priorities straight. And I’m not gonna say that Mary is doing anything wrong, because she’s not, it’s not going to be taken away from her. And so if your first human assignment is being neglected, I think that matters. I think it matters to how God set this world up. And what does it have to do with the following Jesus will Jesus, he made some assumptions, he made some assumptions. When he talked about marriage, there were some assumptions he made. And I’m going to just clarify some things in general, the Bible doesn’t have a like, it does have things to say about sex. But I think the obsession of the world we look at the Bible. And we’re like, Well, the Bible isn’t as obsessed with sex as the world is. I mean, the Bible plenty of times says, you know, don’t commit adultery. But, you know, that’s kind of obvious, isn’t it? But as a wife, when you see all of those don’t commit adultery, I hope that you’re realizing, oh, my gosh, the power of sex is so great that my husband has got to be told, I don’t know hundreds of times to not do it. Because it’s that powerful. Because it’s that powerful. It’s that tempting. It’s that important to his heart. And if it’s not happening in your marriage, especially in a wholehearted way, in a frequent, surprising, exciting all of those things, if it’s not happening. It’s I’m not saying it’s your fault. If if infidelity happens, that’s not what I’m saying. But I am saying it’s your opportunity to love him well, in this, it’s kind of like, my husband is so gracious to me, to allow me to have my quiet time while he watches the boys in the morning. So what is that? Is it his responsibility for me to have a good relationship with God? No. But it is his opportunity to support my relationship with God by giving me what I need to get there to have that. So if you have gone through it, and you are at a spot of just sadness, and despair, because your husband has made such bad choices, I’m not. I’m not lacking empathy. But I am saying you have an opportunity, you have an opportunity to ensure that he is filled in this way. And if he does something outside of God’s will, and plan for sex, okay, so be it that’s between him and God.
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And, you know, there’s quite a lot more I could say on that. That’s not the topic for today. But the things that the Bible does say about sex is is really valuable. I mean, there’s a whole chapter sorry, a whole book devoted to the beauty and positive things about sex. There’s wonderful verses in Proverbs talking about the value and beauty and the goodness of sex. But one thing is In particular, because I want to focus on the gospel, and I want to focus on even the words of Jesus. Jesus was talking about. He was talking about marriage. In Matthew 19. When Jesus had finished saying these things he left Galilee went into a region of Judea to the other side of Jordan, large crowds followed Him and He healed them there. Some Pharisees came to him to test him, they asked, Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason? Haven’t you read? He replied, that at the beginning, the Creator made them male and female. And he said, For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate. And just a note there, Jesus himself is saying one flesh. And we’re not talking about they, they live in the same house. I mean, hopefully that’s part of it. But it’s one flesh, flesh against flesh, that that can only mean one thing. In the garden, they were naked and unashamed flesh on flesh that that’s, that’s what we’re speaking of. Okay, so then the Pharisee said, Why, then they asked, Did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away, and Jesus replied, Moses permitted you to divorce your wives, because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery. And the disciples said to him, now these are the disciples, right? Follow him around, they’re the closest to him, they hear all the sermons, they really want to follow Jesus, well, they asked him if this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry. Jesus replied. Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For there are Unix, who were born that way. And there are Unix who have been made Unix by others. And there are those who choose to live like UNIX for the sake of the kingdom of heaven, the one who can accept this should accept it. So Unix, if you’re not familiar, are they’re kind of like soldiers that used to protect the harem, the, the women’s quarters. So it was really important that these soldiers, these men,
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who were strong and able to protect the women, which is all the wives of the king, right harem.
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But it was important that the soldiers were not going to sleep with the queens and so their male genitalia was removed. So whether that’s the testicles, or the penis, or both, it was it was castrated, taken off. And so Jesus is he’s got some assumptions in these verses, I want you to see if you can pick them out. The disciples said to Him, if this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry. Jesus says Not everyone can accept this word, but only those whom it has been given. And so the assumption there is that if you don’t marry, then you won’t be having sex. The second assumption is that only those who have been given the gift of celibacy should not marry. See, not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. Alright, so now verse 12, it says, For there are Unix who were born that way. And I think that’s specifically I mean, he’s talking about people who were born maybe with genitalia, that that doesn’t create all the sexual drive or even some people who were born asexual. I mean, I think Jesus is there’s a lot packed in that in that Scripture. And then it says, and there are Unix who have been made Unix by others. And they are I think we’re talking about the Unix that are protecting the harems and the kings quarters, etc. And there are those who choose to live like UNIX for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. So once again, it’s saying if you are not that’s the assumption. If you are not having sex, then you are living like a unike. If you’re not having sex in your marriage, you’re living like you are a unike and then it says the one who can accept this should accept it. So Jesus is saying if you have been given the gift of celibacy, if you have been given the the option, accept it, do the kingdom work, but if you can’t be celibate in this life, you should get married. And your marriage should be the only place your sexuality is expressed. That’s what that thing is packed in there. I’d love for you to go back into that. Matthew 1911. Through through 13, because there’s just a lot in there. Now, again, why isn’t there more specifics in the Bible around sex? Well, the Bible is meant for everyone. The Bible is scripture is meant for kids, it’s meant for people who are celibate. It’s meant for people who are married, it’s meant for everyone. And so if we give all sorts of guidance, then that’s not going to be helpful. And we all have to check our own heart all the time. If this is triggering you to have discontentment around your own spouse, your own marriage, then it’s up to you to either discipline your thoughts as you’re going through something like this our conversation or it’s up to you to decide you’re not going to listen to this kind of material. So that that’s the key for wives, I really want you to get that Jesus assumed flesh on flesh was happening. That’s why he even said, For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife. And I think sexual intimacy requires us to get outside of ourselves to serve the other, to engage in a lifestyle that encourages sexual intimacy.
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I mean, a lifestyle It sounds crazy, but is not somebody in love. Like when you see somebody in love. I mean, what do they do that their life is is different than somebody who’s not in love, when they’re in love, they, they text pretty frequently they think about their spouse, they come up with little surprises, they greet their spouse with loving kisses and hugs when they get home, they are able to share their hearts, they engage in the other person’s pursuits, maybe they do hobbies together, whatever it looks like. But it looks different. That lifestyle is different. When sexual intimacy is strong, when they feel loved. And vice versa. When they feel loved. Sexual intimacy is strong, it goes both ways. So that’s just more practical. I want to even go into sexual intimacy. You know, in the Old Testament is talks about knowing the spouse so So Adam knew his wife, and they conceived, you know, Cain, and then they could they knew his wife again, and conceived able and that sort of thing. And it’s this knowing of the other that happens through sexual intimacy. I mean, certainly, there’s the knowledge of the practicals of what he likes what she likes, and engaging in those things. But it’s also I mean, discovering the beauty and the wonder that God has made in your spouse, whether it’s your husband or your wife, and and you actually want to discover that and you have a heart for that, and you and you care to to seek that out together. And oh my gosh, the safety required for wholehearted sex. I mean, that means neither of you is going to judge each other. Both of you’re accepting whatever happens in sex. I mean, there’s embarrassing moments, there are silly moments, there’s trying something that might not work out, there’s a working at something and then the kids run in and do you know what, you know, hopefully, they don’t run in, maybe they knock on the door. But there’s all sorts of things that that happen in sex that when your culture in your marriage is so safe and encouraging and positive, then sex can happen in such a good way and such a fulfilling way for both of you. And so let me look at what I mean when the culture is safe outside of the marriage, outside of the marriage bed, is that you both are exhibiting the fruits of the Spirit, and love and joy and peace and patience, and goodness and kindness and gentleness, and faithfulness and self control. Those are the things that encourage intimacy in your marriage, emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, spiritual intimacy, when we are engaged with each other. In kindness, I mean, all of that. Those fruits that I just discussed, I mean, that’s what causes sexual intimacy has to be something that she would go towards. If you’re a man of the fruits of the Spirit if you look and act and talk in a car compassionate way like Jesus did. So often he was moved by compassion. And you know, Jesus talked to Pharisees in a harsh way. And the Pharisees were men. I don’t see Jesus being mean to women. I don’t. I just didn’t see it. If you saw it. I don’t know. I mean, I guess he did edify Martha and he said, You know, I, I, you know, again, don’t don’t be distracted. But that when he rebuked people, I don’t think he was doing it to the to the men. I mean, even he made sure that John took care of his mother. He made sure that he was moved by compassion, and he raised the woman’s son from the dead, he was moved by compassionate a healed Peters mom. I mean, there were all these stories. He was moved by compassion. He was kind. He defended the woman caught in adultery, he was, he was gentle with a woman who had five husbands that he talked to her about, remember, all these stories, Jesus was kind to women, he didn’t treat them the same way that he treated those Pharisees, those self righteous jerks. And so, I would just love for you to engage as a husband in truly trying to be like Jesus, towards your wife, of that kindness, of that gentleness, of that acceptance.
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So, intimacy for both of you, when it’s healthy and strong, it means that you’re serving and loving, selflessly inside and outside of the bedroom, you accept and appreciate what is. And there are habits in your marriage that encourage this, you’re making sure that your life is is situated in such a way that you’re loving your highest priority assignment. Well, and character is formed in your most intimate relationships, who you are inside of your marriage is who you are everywhere else. So often, we think our most intimate friendships or family members relationships, whether it’s our kids or a spouse, we think that oh, you know, I can treat them badly. But once I get to church, if I’m kind to those people, or if I’m forgiving there, I’m, I’m doing what God wants me to do. And that’s just not, that’s not it, the people who are closest to you should be treated the best. They’re your sacred, best places. I mean, you can hurt or heal in those relationships the most, the most. So unity between man and wife, is the garden is God’s design in the garden. But it’s also Jesus’s prescription for marriage. It didn’t stop in the garden, Jesus said, it’s not that the the the fall, made sex non important. Jesus talked about it. It’s important. And I think that an intimacy fueled marriage has incredible amounts of productivity outside of your marriage. So again, if you’re a wife, and you’re thinking, what the heck does this have to do with my ministry to maybe orphans, or the homeless or some beautiful endeavor that you’re doing for God? Why would sex have anything to do with it? Well, let me tell you when your marriage is fulfilling for both of you, and sex is a huge part of that for both of you. Then you can do your ministry better, then you’re coming to your ministry, in a place of being filled, and it’s fueling through that love that you have for each other. That selflessness, that kindness, the gentleness the the being willing to yield the perseverance. When you’re coming to your ministry with that kind of heart, the selflessness that is required for wonderful intimacy, the wholeheartedness that’s required, then you can do your work better, you can love people better. It does require you to slow down for both of you husband and wife. And if you have not heard yet of the ruthless elimination of hurry, it’s a book I highly recommend. And if you’re a husband, and your wife is just go, go, go, go go. I would encourage you on the next car ride that you have just popped this in the audio book. The ruthless elimination of hurry. It is a it’s an incredible book, especially if your wife is you know, one of those that pursue Jesus and, and really is seeking Him. This is a book that really helps you to slow down and recognize that you don’t have to be doing everything you’re doing. And that’s not God’s way. Jesus was slow, even in the emergencies. He took his time. Even for Lazarus, when Lazarus was dying. He stayed two more days where he was because he knew, he knew that God needed him to wait. He didn’t have to hurry. He didn’t have to rush. And nowadays, we’re so we’ve got it. So backwards. We’ve got it so backwards, is our income, reflective of the way Jesus let lived, is our household was reflective of the way Jesus lived, is what we, you know, furnish our home for holidays, that reflective of the way Jesus lived, like, it’s just crazy sometimes to me to say, Oh, we’re Christians, we follow Christ. But when we actually look at Jesus, do we look like him?
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And I easily could point the finger at myself and say, oh, yeah, I’ve got the same problems. Yes. And I say that with full, full recognition of that. But it still needs to be said, whether I’m fully living up to it or not, this needs to be said, if we’re not looking like Jesus, then we don’t really have a leg to stand on. If saying, I’ve got this thing, right, I’ve got this thing figured out. That means we’re looking at somebody else, we’re looking at another person and saying, Well, she values this higher than sex, so I can too, or that guy doesn’t seem to need sex as much as my husband. So you know, he’s just not spiritual enough. You were you married your husband. And if this is what He desires, you promised to love him, and you promised to be his wife. And it is very scripturally. Correct. For you to love Him the way He receives love. And, dear husband, if your wife is not feeling safe, enough to be free in sexual intimacy, that’s a lot of work you need to put in outside of the bedroom. And I get to see that all the time. In my work, there’s a lot more to it, dear men, but the point is that we both husbands and wives get to be more like Jesus. And that impacts whether we have wonderful sexual intimacy or not. So I want to just encourage you in this, wherever you’re coming from, sex is important. And your pursuit of pleasure in sex is important. And the unifying power of sex is important. And when we have sexual intimacy, it allows us to fuel our pursuit of Christ, and vice versa. What if your marriage was so great, that that wasn’t the first thing you were praying about every morning? Or every day? Or whenever there was frustration? I mean, it’s great to pray for your spouse, pray for them, because you want them to pursue your will, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. But what if your prayer life was more about God do what you want to do in this world revival cause people to come to know You change the poverty around the world and help them to pursue you and and God bless the nonprofits and what you’re doing through ministries and and bless the, the pastors and and bless the like, what if your prayer life was so much more expanded than just Oh, would my wife love me? Well, or could my husband just do X, Y, and Z? Like, that’s what I want for your marriage. And when you can love your spouse in the way they receive love, so they’re full. And then they can do God’s work better in their life, and you can do God’s work better in your life. You just got to prioritize things, right? God, your husband, your kids, and then all the other things, all the other things. Let me pray for you, Father, God, I thank you. I thank you that we get to follow You, Jesus. And that’s what you want. You want you don’t want us to be obsessed with sex. You don’t want this to be the only thing on our mind. But God, I pray that if that’s not right now, I pray that You would give this person the grace to know the season that they need to pursue it to heal this thing. And also do Your will in order to free yourself this themselves up to do your world better. God give grace for perspective and wisdom and insight God. I pray for wives that are listening, God opened their eyes, open their eyes, Father, Lord, just like you’re the one that opens eyes God, you’re the one that does this that changes Hearts of Stone to hurts of flesh, Father, open eyes God, to pursue to love their human assignment,
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in priority in proper priority, but God I pray for husbands, that they would not elevate sex as a god. Sex is not to be their highest thing. God give them grace to highest priority, follow you, Jesus, in all that you are and all that you do, that they are to be the spiritual leader. And that has to come from their conviction that you Jesus is who they will see on Judgement Day and you will It will matter to you how they pursued you in this life. Give them grace to see more. God I’m asking for men and women to be edified and encouraged and inspired and empowered and required to pursue your your will in their lives in this season. I’m asking that you would do that Holy Spirit, and correct anything that needs to be corrected from this conversation foot but Father if there was truth that they needed to hear, let it not be something they could wriggle away from? Holy Spirit I ask in Jesus name, amen. Listen, I love you. And if there’s anything that needed to get to you, I pray and hope that it did. Thank you so much. For listening, God bless you. If we can help if you need immediate help, go to delight your marriage.com/cc if your husband or wife have a wonderful day Love you. Bye