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Don’t give up.Â
My goal today is to encourage you. You’re doing a really good job. Just by tuning in, you’re winning.
You’re seeking to love your spouse well, even when it doesn’t look like it matters.Â
You’re seeking to do God’s will in the midst of your circumstances.Â
My husband is on the show today because he’s the best encourager that I know. And I want you to hear from him how much he wants you to know, you’re on the right path, you’re doing the right thing, and I am proud of you.Â
Love,
Belah
PS – If you need help right away, get with a Clarity Advisor to see how we can help you: delightyourmarriage.com/cc
PPS – If you have yet to check out our free stuff — do so here! delightyourmarriage.com/free
transcript
0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about delight your marriage. Hi, and welcome. This is belah. And my husband is sitting here. And I call him Darrow. And I am so excited to chat with you, because I just hear so often from people, and you may be tuning in, because you are in the spot where you’ve worked hard, and you’ve worked hard for years, maybe decades, and you’re tired. And hope is a hard thing to come by at this point. And so my hope and prayer, and my husband’s as well as we sat here and prayed for you, is that you would not give up. And by the end of this conversation, you would have a greater sense of confidence and trust. And even just a fresh wind of energy. For the next day and week and month. The God’s doing things. And if you need help immediately with your marriage, don’t wait. Get on a call with one of my clarity advisors, you can go to delight your marriage comm slash CC and get with them. And if you haven’t checked out the many free resources I have for you, I encourage you to go to delight your marriage.com/free and then you’ll get some really great content there that may help you specifically. Alright, well, let’s dive in.
2:16
So I wanted to ask my husband here because he is probably the best encourager I know. He actually will have, you know, coffee dates with our pastor, and he’s the one encouraging that person. But it’s not just that, but but all around. He is just a natural encourager. And so I want you to benefit from that. Sometimes I will say things like, why doesn’t everyone have a Darrow?
2:52
Well, this way everybody’s working with you. So they can have one. But my wife was saying about sometimes I have a morning coffee with the pastor’s kids i i hear that there’s a lot of pastors that they have some problems in their lives, but somehow they feel like they have to be available with everybody that they’re there with them their church. But but no one asked them, like, how are you and they, they had to put their feelings aside, so they can prioritize everybody else feelings? And I feel that enough for the work that they do and the study and practice in their families. I feel like, I don’t know there. There’s not a lot of people that they ask, how are they? And we’re supposed to spend, I don’t know, 45 minutes with, with my pastor, we ended up I don’t know spending like three hours of talking. And that’s because we had to end the conversation because I had to go and get my kids from school. But the words that the people that are there are struggling. I feel like it’s just, you know, it hurts to to hear that what they’re going through. In no one. I asked them, like even sometimes our best friends if we call them our best friends that, you know, we don’t even mention some things. And I don’t know it just sometimes whether they give us the wrong motivation, which like a lot of times is they give us suggestions that we didn’t ask. And that ended up us more feeling you know? less. And I feel like you know, unless they ask, but we can help it. Because we know how to fix their problems. You know, but yeah, and just my wife when she she, you know, wakes up very early to prepare for the day. And always pray for, for you, you the people, husbands and wives, and the people that are helping her, always praise for them. And I’m just, I’m just feel like, there, there’s so much negativity in this world that is so hard. What I heard someone somewhere that he said, there is so hard to bring someone up. It is so hard because it is like, so easy to put someone else down, like, so easy. You don’t even have to, I don’t know, just say one word and someone just feel the worst. But if we want to encourage someone, it’s just like, if they’re, they’re not willing, and they feel like they’re doing all that they can and they don’t see anything. And it’s like, sometimes I I used to feel that way that I don’t understand. You know, I’m a Christian, I don’t say mean words. I think I’m a kind to everybody. And I follow the rules. And I say the kind words and yet I’m still feeling anxious inside. And it just, I don’t know, is it sometimes it feels it used to feel like that, you know, and I want you to know that. That’s not it. That’s not your entire life, or marriage will be like that. Because, uh, you know, at the end you you will do all the work, just to love your wife, or your just to love your husbands. And sometimes we don’t understand how to love that person. You know, even sometimes we might might my silly comments that I earned my wife’s feelings. No. Never. I don’t know. And I feel like bad that. What I said, and if I don’t feel like, I feel like something inside that is anxiety that something’s not right. And even when I apologize, I feel like, you know, she still doesn’t
7:53
forgive me, even though she said like, No, you know, it’s okay. Everything’s okay. But I don’t know, she was. It just feels like, you know, I shouldn’t say those things. But yeah, like, I did say.
8:08
Amazing. Can I ask you something? If, if a husband was sitting in front of you, and he was saying, you know, Darrell, I have done the right things. Heck, I have done the things belah has specifically told me to do whether it’s in a program with me or on the podcast, or what have you, like, he’s done it? He does it, he continues. What would you say to him when it’s been a very long time that he’s been doing it? Right? Do you have some encouragement for
8:41
him? Yes. I feel like if, if you’ll be sitting in front of me, and you will tell me like, you understand one is still the same thing and, and do all that work. I feel like so what is what does that mean? You only have this amount of time for you to do all the work. So you wife, so you can feel love. Or you still continue working in like any all the time. Non stop. Because it’s like when you when you go to work and you come home, tired. And as I go, and I’m from work, I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to I don’t want to feel like if I hang out with the kids, my kids. I feel like what you you want it to have kids. That’s why you have kids. And sometimes I feel that way. Sometimes I feel that way. And I and then I you know moments later I regretted that the way that I was feeling or even thinking about My kids. And I feel like if your expectations is to wait like two, two, of course, I’ll say, more currently in front of me, but I’m just, I’m just be more direct that, uh, you know, that I will say to you, so. So you keep working, working and looks like it never ends. And then just just give up. And then that said, there’s no no more that you can, you can do. I feel like there’s no, you choose that person, and you’ll do the best that you can to be with that person and to, to share it live with that person. And no matter what the problems are, you know, if something happens, I pray to God that, you know, nothing happens to the extreme. But if, if that happens, you know, separation or something happens that you know that in your heart that you, you did the best that you can, you know, the that makes sense that you know, that you, you did the best that you can, instead of, you know, you don’t, you don’t care about that person anymore, I feel that you do care about that person, you will always care about that person. Because that person knows, knows you’re the most more than you’re your mom. You know, because he or she knows you your weakness. And the you know, your when you have fear or something, I feel like that person knows you the most. He or she has seen you cry. Not even your best friend seen your cry. You know, or, or, or your mom, except when there’s, you know, something else. But you know, my wife, my mom has not see me cry for so many years, but my wife, you know, has, you know, it’s funny that my mom keeps when we see her, she’s she keeps telling me that I should smile more horn in I should be more kind to my kids. And I feel like I think I smile. I smile. And I think I am kind to my kids. And then my older sister heard that conversation. And she went and told my mom, because I wouldn’t say anything my mom otherwise, you know, I will hurt her feelings. But my sister told my mom, she says, you know, Mom, you know, D is not the same as when, you know, I don’t know, 1520 years ago. You know, you don’t know your son anymore. You know, who knows your son. You know, his his wife, his wife knows your son. She’s the only one who knows you, you know your son more than you, you but you don’t know you don’t know your son anymore. And I feel like that’s this this True that? Will your wife or husband? I feel like
13:29
like, I don’t, I don’t I don’t understand that. Sometimes the husband is working really hard to love his wife. In some reason, you know, it just, it feels like it will never change or take longer, or you don’t know when will change. And it’s just getting tighter and tire you and you feel like you’re the only one who’s putting all this effort with your in your spouse life. And it looks like she just doesn’t care or he just doesn’t care. And I feel like as long as you know, in your heart that you are the only one. You’re the only one who? Who knows.
14:17
Awesome. So a couple things I wanted to pull out from what you said honey is. First thing is, it sounded like you were saying that we can expand the timeline. You know, we don’t there’s not a timeline that things in your marriage have to change. Like that’s kind of a lot of times we get discouraged because we’re expecting this amount of time for it to change. Right. And I think it’s natural as humans to what expectations like how long do I have to keep this thing up? But I don’t think that’s what Jesus is asking of us. It’s it’s an indefinite sort of thing, just like our walk with God, where we’re, you know, we don’t know when, when our last day is, but I want to be all, all I was reading about Matthew 24 Talk about a chapter in the Bible, that’ll scare you. But it talks about being ready. Being ready. We never know when the when Jesus is coming back, we have to be awake, we have to be ready. And so in the same way, if we meet Jesus, it sounds like that’s what you were saying of only, you know, if you did your very best to love your spouse, only, you know. Another thing you said that I am pulling out here that I love is just like when we get frustrated our kids, it’s, it’s not their fault. We’re the ones that chose to have kids that’s on us. And in a similar way. You chose that person, for whatever reason. And you get to stand by that. Even if now it seems like there are so many annoyances and frustrations and all these things. And then the other thing is, I love the insight around your spouse knowing you just like better than even your own mom, even your own family, even your own best friends, your spouse knows you. And it doesn’t mean that their opinion of you is right, necessarily, but they see you at your best and your worst. And that’s an opportunity for us to grow in our relationship. And then, one encouragement I have that’s coming up for me is the shared experiences you’ve had, let’s say your parents, if, if the relationship ends, there are so many experiences that become tainted with oh, he was in that experience, or Oh, she was there. And it’s really sad, because you’re throwing away so many good feelings and good memories and good opportunities to, to remember, your your children’s lives. And one thing I love about being parents together is that, you know, when we’re reflecting and having nice conversations, he’ll remember something I don’t remember. And I’ll remember something he doesn’t remember. And it’s just astounding, like, wow, God has given us such a life to live together. So go ahead. No, no, go ahead. There’s a quote that one of my clients actually shared with me is the the seeds of depression cannot take root in a grateful heart. And I think Andy Andrews, who apparently has amazing books that I have yet to read, but he said that I think it’s just so true when when we focus on the good, when we can see the good in our spouse, and the see the good in our lives, we stop thinking all the self centered thoughts of why am I not getting what I deserve? And why am I not being served in these ways. And it doesn’t mean I’m not on your side, I want I want God to radically transform your marriage. But it does take consistency. It takes a consistent, grateful, loving, selfless heart. You know, when somebody is loved unconditionally, which is what I am asking you to do for your spouse, they respond differently, you respond differently to unconditional love, and it may take a long time. And you know, let’s say instead of expecting it to take a couple months, you expected it to take a year or three years. You know, because when you’re 80 or 81, or you know at 82 or 83 or 80 or 81 or 82 or 83
19:12
those years are not going to feel very long. But if you do the investment now, if you work on it now, God very well may surprise you at the transformation. And I got an email just this week from a gentleman who I worked with over a year ago. And he was in the masculinity reclaimed program. And they were separated when he started the program. And and now by God’s grace over quite a story. He radically transformed his life around Jesus and so much so that he went on a mission trip and God just radically changed. his his heart and seeing these miracles and seeing people come to Christ and, and he brought that enthusiasm home and continued to the work of loving his wife well, and it took a long time, for her heart to change, it took a lot of work and he was consistent. He implemented and implemented and implemented. And he sent me this email that said, I’ve seen a miracle right before my eyes. And not only are they back, living together, but fully committed to this relationship again, and they’ve got a child and now they get to be the parents that they want to be. And they get to their, their child gets to see a loving husband and mother and father and they’re fully, intimately united and all of these amazing things. But he just didn’t let the lack of everything. Make him stop the work make him stop the movement in the way that he knew that God wanted him to in his marriage. And I don’t say that except to say, it’s, it might take long, it might take a while. Don’t give this thing up. Don’t give this thing up. She is your assignment. He is your assignment. Don’t give up.
21:30
You know when you said about, though, that they now can be the best parents for their child. I think I told you or maybe not my, our youngest kid. Somehow he knows about the bores something. And then he was cutting papers. And he says, he says Daddy as a year. He says Do you ever he ever going to divorce mommy? And as Whoa. Also known never want to divorce mommy? That’s why mommy is, is working really hard. who those people don’t feel the kids. I said What Why do you ask? He know he says he says I don’t want you to divorce mommy. I say no, that’s not gonna happen, no matter what if I may, or she or both of us make mistakes. He says, you know why? I said why? He could because it’s going to be very hard for me. And, you know, I felt strong in my emotions. With with tears, I say no, you know, we’re not we’re not want to get divorced. This is yes. Because I see. There were some kids to the playground that I I know them for for a few years that the you know, when they come in the playground and the bolt holding hands and and hugging and cedar, their baby, you know, their kid playing at the playground? And then now just just one. Yeah. And I see how that kid is reacts. Yeah. And he went out when when you know, there’s an accident. And that kid it he, he sometimes I see that. His history trying to be a strong person, whether emotional physically, that. Even I seen that he heard. And he said I run over there and are you okay? Yeah, I’m okay. And I know if another kid or my kids will read an accident like that. They will cry. They’ll cry it and they know that mommy and daddy will come and hug them and are you okay? And that’s what my my my son my youngest son asked me. He says because I see you know this this kid mentioned his name is I see this kid that it’s not kind of he has Yeah, I don’t know. But you know, is something he he says that he says sometimes only see the mom as a year. I don’t know what to tell you. But that’s what we’re working very hard. But I when he said I don’t want you to divorce mommy. Because it’s going to be very hard for me. I was like, whoa, whoa. This guy’s has feelings. As emotions like kids, Africa, you know, we you saw they just kids like forgotten. Those kids. They know they are had those feelings. They don’t understand, like, fully. But I feel like they had those feelings about what it could be like if if something happens. But that was that was, I don’t know, something that he told me.
25:18
Yeah, I think that’s so important. And I think it’s so motivating. And even, you know, my parents divorced when I was in college. And even for that it was, I mean, I still wish that it had a plant panned out differently just for the unity of our family, the joy of all of us being together, there’s, there’s, you know, so I agree with that. I don’t know if, if you’ve watched the tomorrow war. But I happen to love that movie. It definitely has, you know, aliens and monsters and gore, but in a little bit of a little bit of, you know, like, make you surprised at some of the, you know, whatever we like superhero movies. But there’s, there’s a part of it that is so like, it’s so wonderful, because it’s so pro family. And basically, there’s, I’m not going to give away the end, but it becomes so clear of the pain that was caused out of a husband’s lack of commitment to the family. Now, I know because I worked with so many men that it may have started with a wife’s non commitment to the family, you know, and but the the external world only sees the husband failure, the inner you know, they don’t know the failure of intimacy, maybe from the wife, and then he then responded to have an affair or addiction or etc, etc, etc. But ultimately, regardless of whose quote, failure started the whole thing, you are one party in this picture, and you can impact in a huge way. You can’t force your spouse to change, but you can influence their behavior by you becoming the person you need to become in your marriage. And I think the main thing I want you to get from this is, don’t give up, and you’re doing a good job. You’re doing a good job. You wouldn’t be listening to this kind of material. If your heart wasn’t for your marriage. If your heart wasn’t wanting someone to say, Hey, buddy, hang in there, hang in there, you’re doing the right things. You know, we’re, we’re all you might be doing one small thing, and you might feel like there’s a mountain you have to climb, okay? It all is one step in front of the other. It’s just one step in front of the other. It’s one apology at a time, it’s one conversation that doesn’t turn into a huge blow up. It’s one moment of breathing instead of biting back at that disrespectful comment. It’s one moment of putting yourself out there and saying, Hey, can we make love, even though it’s the scariest thing in the world? It’s one little step in front of the other one reach. That that’s what God does in those moments. That’s how he re unifies your marriage. When you can do that scary, small step. Because you love Jesus, because you love your family. Because you want what God wants for your life. You’re doing a good job.
29:06
Within That’s it? No, but but I just want to encourage you, Husband, husband or wife that sometimes it feels like you’re the only one who is putting other effort. You’re the only one who’s apologizing all the time. You’re the only one who cooks for her. You’re the only one who or she cooks for you, or you’re the only one who brings flour or saying those kind words and he or she somehow doesn’t respond right away. I feel like I just want you to know that that that will come. You know when you choose that person You know, yeah, we make mistakes. Some somehow things happen. You know, sometimes we are growing by, I don’t know, just a lot of challenges. And I feel like you’re that person that you, you say that you stain is, and especially if you have kids, I feel like if you’re counting the time, how many times the apologize, why you always doing all those things, cleaning up the mess or something, I feel like that, you know, if you if you if you stop counting those things, I feel like you you lose track and you just focus on keep continue doing it to be kind. Yeah. But if you keep track on those, you will, you’ll end up observing yourself that, that you are the only one putting all this effort. But instead, you know, you can tell yourself or tell ourselves, you know, this is me, and this is, this is who I am, and I’m going to continue to my best, the best that I can sell. And that’s it. You know, I don’t know how long will take. But whatever it takes, whatever long takes this is, this is me. And then when I when I do my part, and I’m gonna do the best that I can.
31:27
I love it. I love it. And, you know, I’ll wrap this up probably with this last comment is there’s a book called Man’s Search for Meaning. And it’s written by a psychologist who actually endured the Auschwitz death camps in, in Germany. And he, he talks about, you know, after that, and even working with clients, as a psychologist, what he observed is what helps people the most in suffering, is for them to realize and recognize there is a purpose in the suffering. There is a purpose in the suffering. And I think it’s so true in our lives, because I think about the gentleman I just spoke about that went on the the mission trips, and really went towards Jesus, he told me about, had he not gone through this, the Mr. Program by God’s grace, but but really invested in it and, and changed who he is before Jesus because of it. He wouldn’t have gone on these mission trips and 30 plus people wouldn’t have given their lives to Jesus. So the suffering he endured for years, actually caused him to get to a place where a program by God’s grace impacted him to the degree that 30 people, and some became followers of Jesus. Would he have gone back and said, Oh, I shouldn’t have endured that suffering. It wasn’t worth the fruit. It wasn’t worth all those humans that he was able to impact because he went through the suffering. I don’t think so. So if you can dig into this suffering in a way that empowers you that in a way that says, God, I don’t know what you’re doing, but I’m going to be committed, I’m going to dig in there, I’m going to become a superstar in your word. I’m going to start reading that Bible, I’m going to pray, I’m going to be that husband or wife that feels proud of themselves. At the end of the day, that I did my best that I loved my spouse the best I know how. And I learned and I grew and I became the human I needed to be to love them well, so that our kids have a great example of a marriage that they want to have when they grow up. If you can have that as a deeper purpose than just, I just want to make myself happy. And I’m not happy, which means I’m going to get out. That’s the that’s the lie of of the world as the lie of the enemy. But if you have a deeper purpose that even though I’m suffering, there is a reason. There is a reason that I can’t see right now. But you know what it says in the Bible higher are the heavens above the Earth. Are your thoughts higher than my thoughts are your ways higher than my ways? That’s that’s what we’re dealing with. We’re dealing with the God of the universe, and we can’t see clearly. He knows why you’re suffering. He knows why it’s happening. Maybe you wouldn’t have clicked on this podcast, had you not been suffering and maybe there was a nugget that my incredible husband shared with you, that you need to do here that’s going to change your perspective to such a degree, that you’re going to treat your kids differently. That means that they are going to grow up and be parents differently. They’re going to have ministries and and friendships that are different because of a perspective you may have heard here. Like what if God is doing stuff in your heart right now? As a result of the pain you were in before you clicked on this podcast. So I hope and pray that whatever you need it from this would stir you to a degree that God says Well done. Well done today. And when you see him in eternity, he says well done good and faithful servant. That’s what I want for you. So shall we pray? Do you want to do it?
36:06
Holy Father, I thank you for this life that you given us for all this. All those husbands, those wives and those WorldCat that we’re all just wanting to do is love one another. Got it sometimes feels a faraway sometimes it feels like they don’t care. They don’t care about me. Sometimes it feels like they don’t care about me I pray that I’m that up with them and they can feel you thank you so much for everything for your you died on the cross for for me, for my wife, for everyone. I pray that once you start to be kind to be respectful when another guy when it when he feels like we’re the only one who is suffering I pray that and believe that that’s a test that you’ve given us for us to grow Gotha if we were not kind to indepen now there’s our wake up call gather we are we reduce represent your your children. I pray that to be with them for those husbands and wives. Kinda they don’t measure that time that they’re working really hard. In Jesus mighty name, amen.
37:31
Amen. Thank you, honey, you’re amazing. Thank you so much listener, we just send you a big hug and we love you God bless.
38:12
Okay, so at some point, my husband’s gonna listen to this when it’s posted on the podcast, I’m not sure when. But when he does 20 I’m going to sing one of our favorite songs when I look into your eyes, it’s like watching that night sky. Or a beautiful sun rise. There’s so much they hope and just slag them Mold Star Maltsters honey, I see that you’ve come so far.
39:04
To be right where you are. How old is your soul and I won’t give up even if the skies get rough, I’m giving you oh my love still the king and when you’re
39:39
need in your space to do some soccer playing. Be here patiently waiting to see what’s the school cuz even the stars day burn some even fall to the earth we got a lot to learn but God knows we’re worth it no I won’t give I don’t want to be someone who walks away so easily I’m here to stay and make a difference that I can make our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts we got. Yeah, we got a lot at stay. And then the end you’re still my friend at least we did intend for us to work we didn’t break we didn’t burn. We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in. I had to learn what of God and what I’m not and who I am and Tao will give up on us. If the skies get rough. I’m giving you oh my love. I’m still gonna love no Wow long give