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Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Oh wow — what an awesome and surprising conversation I got to have with Ebony.
Firstly, this was supposed to be my opportunity to coach her as a recorded call for our ladies in the group. But, it turned into her sharing her testimony and wonderful insights and encouragements from her life that I just had to share with you!
She was raised by a single dad, her husband was raised by a single mom.
Due to trauma and difficult heartaches in their history, they’ve suffered many challenges.
She has 3 kids and wanted to rewrite the story of their future families.
When she found DYM it was after she had a season of working on her mental health through therapy. (Something I have done and highly recommend as well!)
When she found the DYM podcast, God started speaking to her through the material. And she decided to get on a Clarity Call and join the program.
She didn’t tell her husband because so many times in the past she has said something, he’d get his hopes up and then he would be disappointed.
She decided she would do the work this time without him knowing.
And she started but was so sad to see him resist her efforts. It wasn’t until she gave it to God and waited on Him, did her husband started pursuing her again! And now things are getting closer and closer — in amazing ways!
As a woman of color, she has lived the unique challenges of her community and has come to a place of seeking to be an example of transformation for her own daughters and their friends.
God is doing amazing things in her life and by listening, I think you’ll be lifted up and encouraged as well!
Blessings,
Belah
PS – Like her, if you’re interested in a Clarity Call, you can go to delightyourmarriage.com/cc we can listen and see if we can partner with you and witness what God may want to do in your marriage!
transcription
0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage. Okay, guys, I’m so grateful that we are chatting today, I am so excited to let you hear from Ebony. So I just got off this call with her. And my intention actually was going to be very different than how it ended up turning out, I was actually giving her an opportunity to ask me questions. And I thought, you know, this would be really cool. You know, maybe we’ll record it and give it just to the ladies in the groups. And lo and behold, she had incredible things to share a wonderful, wonderful story of God’s transformation. And then wonderful advice for you. And I just want to encourage you if you are feeling like you’re alone in this battle, for for your marriage, for intimacy, for connection, if you’re a woman of color, and you’re feeling like you don’t even know where to turn. Ebony really shines a bright light of encouragement of hope, of God’s amazing transformation. And there’s just so much good. So no matter kind of where you’re coming from, I think you’re going to be really inspired by her story. And yeah, it’s just exciting stuff. So. But before that, I would encourage you this the same way that ebony came into the program was through a clarity call. So she spoke to Dana. And you can too you can go to delight your marriage.com/cc and get a clarity call with Dana and speak about your own marriage and what’s going on for you. And we would love to have you as part of this incredible work that God is doing. Whether or not you’re ready for that step or not. You’re going to get amazing encouragement and inspiration from Ebony, I guarantee it. And ebony, can we pray? And then we’ll Yes. Yes. I’m Father, I just want to invite you on this call, Lord, and I want to invite you to do what humans cannot do, Lord. I want to invite you to cause softness and healing and growth and insight and wisdom God that only you can do. And, Lord, I believe that anyone watching this as well, you would touch her heart as she puts herself in Evany shoes and ebony, I just pray God that you would give her a greater understanding and insight into her own marriage in history and intimacy and all of the things that kind of swirl up together. God I just asked for your grace in it. In Jesus name. Amen. Amen. Okay, so yeah, so, you’ve been in the program for a month?
3:20
I think it’s been, I think it’s been longer, maybe a month and a half. Okay. Maybe. Um, so we have been, we’ve been married my husband, I have been married for almost, of this, Matthew, almost 23 years, next year be 23 years. And I came into the our marriage with a fair amount of baggage and trauma that significantly impacted intimacy. Like, early on in the marriage, um, you know, I wasn’t always receptive and open, I wasn’t always affectionate, definitely was not one to initiate even affection, not necessarily, you know, intimacy, but not really even even initiating affection. And so, that kind of ebb and flow throughout our marriage. There have been, you know, challenges from from infidelity to infertility to financial challenges, I mean, you name it, we probably hit a bit of it. And all of that, you know, really has affected had affected our connection. But the one thing that was always consistent even when we decided, you know, we can’t do it anymore. We were never really like we’re gonna give up. You know, we were probably oftentimes at our wits end and didn’t know what else to do with felt like leaving each other of separating divorcing was what we needed to do. But I think for the both of us being believers, and both of us coming from homes that were single parents that I was raised by my father, he was raised by his mother. And we didn’t want that for we don’t want them for our lives. But we definitely didn’t want to for our children, like, it was our goal to break that generational curse. Because throughout both of both of our, you know, our families, you know, divorce and separation or single parenting was pretty significant. We didn’t want that for our case. So, um, so we were, we were always looking for how to make this work. But I think that we were also always looking forward from the place of him wanting his needs met, and my him me wanting my needs met, and us not looking at what does our marriage need. And so that, me moving into that space is really what led me to start to listen to marriage podcasts. And I was listening to a different podcast, and then dy M popped up. And I was like, let me see what this one’s talking about. And so come on Holy Spirit. And here, here we are, right. So prior to that, what, what, what made me what helps me to be receptive to, to your guidance, and what you provide with dy M was effective. For the past couple of years, I’ve been in some pretty intense, significant therapy, oh, therapy, and for my trauma therapy for my mental health, like really getting myself back on track and really kind of surrendering and like, God, there’s no way that this is gonna work if you don’t do it. Because in and of myself, I just don’t have it. Like, I don’t have the ability that I don’t have it. And so I’m really kind of opening myself up and being transparent. And the Holy Spirit is like, you know, if this is really what you want to do, then there’s work to be done. And that space of their of the work is how I came to do I am. And so, like, I was telling Dana, during my clarity call, like, once I started listening to your podcast, it was like, food for my soul. You know, it’s like, I’m gonna listen to every podcast. What I think you’re up to
7:37
317
7:38
Yeah, yeah. So I’ve I don’t even know how many apples to apples. Like I started at the most recent then I went all the way back to you know, the beginning. And it was just like feeding and feeding me. And, and I told my best friend, I said, I know it’s the Holy Spirit. Because every podcast that I listened to, is exactly what either I was thinking about praying about or experiencing everything. never fail. Oh my goodness, amazing. Like, I would be walking through my neighborhood talking like, Okay, God. So basically, Bella, just come talk to me every day. She’s just gonna call me out on my stuff. She’s gonna be in my business every day. Okay, great. That’s what we’re doing. Okay. So yeah, so and then what really sealed it for me was Dana was her testimony. And, and I didn’t know that Dana was Dana, when I was talking to her. Oh, my clarity call. And so she was like, Why? Why do you want to do this? I was like, let me tell you what happened today. I was listening to this podcast. And Dana was on there. And I was like, I was like, I love her. I was crying. I told her my whole thing. And she got quiet. And she said, everybody that was me, Bella. I burst into tears. I burst into tears, like flat out ugly crying, like, oh my gosh, gets you. Yeah, I was like, okay, Holy Spirit. I got it. Okay, so right, then signed up, do you I am in the program. So when I came into the program, we were my husband and I were disconnected, but not wanting to be disconnected. But it was just like, um, I don’t know, we just we just kept it was always like this, like we were just a little bit off. And, you know, I started doing the classes, I started working through the program, and go into my group each week and listen to Angie and I listen to Ali and listening and really receiving the encouragement from my group. And the Holy Spirit has just been moving through that. And so my husband and it’s like a flip now where he used to be very, very, very affectionate, wanting intimacy more and more. And now he’s having some health challenges and so He’s much he’s, it’s decreased for him. And that desire has decreased for him. And me now, having honestly been set free from all of the trauma and all of the baggage. Now my desire is up. So we’ve we flipped. And so now we’re in a space of me like how do I, how do I respect where he is, you know, without losing the momentum, or you know, that that I’ve been gaining and experiencing with delight your marriage. And so, um, so I told the group a couple weeks ago, I was like, I’m just gonna stop mentioning it, I’m gonna stop talking about it. Because you know, he’s not responding, like I would make comments to my husband and flirt or whatever he would, he would not react, he wouldn’t respond. And so that was frustrating for me. And one of the ladies in my group made a comment that sometimes we get obsessed even with doing the right thing. And I was like, I’m obsessed with this, I’m obsessed with it now. Because now I feel this freedom. And I want this thing for us so bad, but he’s not in that space. And I’m like, I could be making it more difficult for him to navigate through this, these health challenges, because I’m constantly like, you know, making these suggestions. Sounds like it just gonna fall back. And like, the week that I made that commitment is when my husband started to kind of come back to Himself. And I was like, I mean, it literally, we have our calls on Thursday, it was literally by Tuesday of next week, because I was able to give that testimony as my smile and celebration, the following week. It was, it was bananas, Bella, we were all like, wow, God did that in like, four days, it was crazy. We were all like, so stoked on the call. It was amazing. But it was also really God saying that, if you’re going to give this thing to me, you got to give it all, like even the good, right? Even the good has to be at his will, on his time and listening to what he’s saying to do. And I and I wasn’t because I was like, Oh, I’m doing this good thing, I’m involved in this good program. So let me you know, do all of this good work. And it’s not that I didn’t need to be doing it, I just needed to do it when he said to and how he said to do it. And when I did that is when that connection started. And so since that point, like,
12:34
I mean, we are much stronger in our connection and continuing to grow. Like we were not arguing, we’re not disagreeing and if we do have a disagreement, we talk out, you know, and a lot of it has to do with, you know, what you teach us to love, you know, intentionally and to admire and to, you know, to really pay into and lean into our husband as our highest assignment. And well, I started to really embrace that and think about what that what that means. And think about the that marriage is God’s design. And so that good thing has to be treated like a good thing. And he has to be, he has to be involved in it. So that means that I need to be praying for my husband and I do need to be expressing gratitude. And I knew do need to be, you know, focusing on the positive and me kind of that positive mindset shift has just made all the difference. It made all the difference. And so I would say our connection now is getting stronger. Day by day. Not easy, but definitely getting stronger day by day.
13:43
Wow. Evany That’s amazing. Yeah, sorry. That was a whole lot of talking. Sorry. That was
13:49
so good. That was a whole story. I had no idea was oh my gosh, amazing. Praise God. Yeah. Good. Wow. Yes. So I mean, do you need any help? Or you’re good?
14:07
I still need some help. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But it is definitely transformation. You know, and, and I think about I think about some of the stuff that I talked to Dana about, oh, my clarity call. And it was just like, we really are. We really are changing the trajectory of our family. You know, we I mean, we really are there’s so much in our community, you know, in the African American community, there’s so much around, um, you know, mental health and getting help and marriage counseling and doing the work and, and self care and there’s so much stigma around it. You know, it’s just like, you know, as a people you know, as our culture We don’t do that. That’s not what we do. Right. And when we don’t do that we continue to perpetuate those tragedies that are happening in our families. That’s just the flat out of it. There are too many resources available for us to continue to operate in that space of, of ignorance. And I don’t mean ignorance, as in, you know, being unkind. I don’t mean like stupidity, I mean, ignorance as in not knowing there’s no reason for us to not know, there’s just too many resources. And I, I didn’t grow up with that mindset of, you know, get the help that you need. If it was physical help. Yeah, if you if something was wrong with your body, sure. But I grew up, you know, if something if it was something other than physical, just pray about it, or suck it up. Right. And, yeah, God does want us to pray about everything. But we also serve a practical God, he wouldn’t have given people this, these gifts of counseling, these gifts of coaching and mentoring, if they were not meant to be used for the betterment of his people. And so I didn’t have that understanding growing up. But once I gained that, I was all in and I teach that to our children. You know, our daughters are in therapy, they have things that they need to work through. And so that’s it. That’s what we do. Because if I had started earlier in life, to process some of the things that that became trauma and baggage, my life would be different today. Not that I have regrets. It’s just a fact. And so I don’t want that. Or I don’t want that for our children.
16:38
Any I’m so proud of you. This is huge. Really, is Oh, raised by a single dad, and this is who you are. This is amazing.
16:51
Yeah. Yeah, I was raised by my father during a time when men were not raising daughters. Men were not raising their daughters. Yeah. So we were we were definitely an anomaly period. But even more so an anomaly in the black community. Because most of our friends who were in single parent homes were being raised by mothers. But my mother wasn’t present. My father knew what needed to be done. And that’s what he did. And he, and he raised me up. Wow. Yeah, who worked hard, and I have siblings, and he took care of all of us. I was the only one that live with him and my other siblings deal with their mothers, but my father took care of all of us, very present in all of our lives. And so he will it is at the foundation for me in that regard of of doing what’s right, because it’s right. Yes, then happy. Easy. Easy. Is it? Easy isn’t a factor easy? Doesn’t matter if you do what’s right, because it’s right. Hmm. So, you know, that’s kind of always pushing me when I think about what, what, what needs to be done to be better. You know, and sometimes I do I shy away from it. Because like, all it’s gonna be so hard. It’s gonna be so much work. But it’s the right thing to do. So
18:13
yeah, yeah. Just so happy. I did not expect this conversation to go this way. I love it. I just love it. Well, as well, is there anything that you either have questions about, or you feel it anything that you wanted to pick my brain about? Are you?
18:33
Well, I do. And, yeah, I want you know, I’m happy to help. I want to I want this to be beneficial. So if there were questions that you want to ask me, then ask me, I’ll answer them, you know, whatever, whatever. However you intended the conversation to go. I didn’t mean to kind of go off script.
18:51
No, this is great. Well, yeah. Okay, well, how about this, then, if you wanted to give a wife listening advice around initiating with her husband, in a very similar spot that you are in? Or were in pure, even a couple months ago? Or, more recently? What are some advices that you would or pieces of advice that you would give her?
19:18
This is actually an area that’s still a challenge for me, have definitely gotten better? Yeah. Good for you. And so I was saying, I would say, first and foremost, be gentle with yourself. So thinking that I’m not enough or I should be able to do this, or why can’t I do that? None of none of that is helpful. None of that, that self shaming is helpful. You know, realize that it’s it’s a challenge, and seek out the resources. So I would say the first thing that I had to do is to figure out why why is this a challenge for me? Like I love my husband. Men, my husband is beautiful to me, my husband is adorable to me, my husband is everything to me like, so why is this a challenge. And, and thankfully, even when I wasn’t in a space of initiating and my, my drive wasn’t super high, I have always enjoyed intimacy with my husband, that’s never been an issue. So it’s like, there is something else there that’s causing a block or this causing, you know, that challenge, figure out what it is, do the work and figure out what it is, and be gentle with yourself during the process, because there were a lot of things that I uncovered that that Lynne meant themselves to me not initiating. And then if, if you’re, if your relationship, if you’re in a safe space in your relationship, and you feel like, you can have this conversation with your husband, then talk about it, you know, say that, you know, it’s, it’s not that I don’t desire you, but I don’t know how to approach or I’m afraid of being rejected, or, or whatever that you discover that challenge to be if if your relationship is safe, then then have that conversation and, and tell your husband that you need his help. And that you want this to be something that you work through together for the strengthening of your relationship. And if he is amenable to that, then make it fun. Like don’t, don’t let this be a chore, it’s a it’s a big thing. But it shouldn’t be a chore, and it shouldn’t feel like a have to do, you know, it’s almost like you get the opportunity to wipe that slate clean. And then rewrite your story together as it pertains to your intimacy. So I would say that figure out what it is, and then have that conversation and work through it together. And the other thing that I had to do I have to do is to I have to love myself, like I have to see myself as being enough. And I have to remember the fact that my husband loves me. He loves everything about me. He loves my personality, he loves the shape of my body. He loves the fact that Evany at 47 Doesn’t look like me at 23. And he’s still good with that. Right? You know, more beautiful, more beautiful he was then he says that all the time now look in the mirror. And I’m like, yikes, that’s a little more wish than there used to be there. Right? A little more fluff. That used to be there. And he’s like, I love it. That’s the fluff I hold on to it like you embrace that believe him. Right? Believe him when he says that, right? Yeah, and embrace that. So you move in that space of I am beautiful. I am enough. I am. I am sexy, I am attractive. I am lovable. I am wanting to move into that space. Because when you affirm those things in yourself that you start to feel it and that adds to your confidence, which adds to your ability to initiate.
22:57
Yes, I love it. Yes, that’s so good. Awesome. Anything else you want to share that you think would be helpful for ladies listening?
23:12
Um Yes, I would say that connection and reconnection is a journey. And I would say lean into that journey, don’t run from the difficult parts. Because navigating through those difficult parts gets you to the other side. And that’s where you want to be. Right, you want to be in a place of, of connection, you want to be in a place of celebration, you want to be in a place where you can move through those things that used to be obstacles for you. Now, they’ll just pick up speed bumps, you’re able to navigate through them without your relationship crashing and burning. But if you don’t lean into that journey, if you don’t, if you don’t work through the stuff, then you don’t you don’t get there, you know that constant running just keeps you in the space that you are trying to get out of. And so at some point, you got to decide, am I gonna do it or not? Yeah, that’s it, am I gonna do it or not? And if you decide that you’re not going to do it, that’s okay. But if you decide that you’re gonna do it, then you got to do it. And that means working through the tough stuff.
24:30
We clarify that for me first, like you said, if you decide you’re not going to do it, that’s okay. What do you mean?
24:36
I mean that sometimes we get into a space and we’re like, I gotta, I gotta do this. I should be doing this. And that adds unnecessary, almost unnecessary, that adds pressure to us. And then that continues to perpetuate the running. Because I got to do it. I should be doing it. I should. It’s all those. That’s all Those, those definites and those finites. But if you if you say, Hey, I, this isn’t, this isn’t what I can do right now, like, I can’t, I can’t do the work for whatever reason, I can’t do the work. If that’s honestly what you feel and what you know, then it just is, maybe you’ll come to that space a little bit later in your journey or a little bit later in life. But that, that waffling and that and those definites that from for me anyway perpetuated the journey. And when I decided, okay, I can’t I just can’t do it right now, like I can’t, there’s so much work that needs to be done on myself that I don’t have the bandwidth to work on Ebony and to work on my marriage intensively. Right, I couldn’t do both at the same time. But when I decided to do the work on me, and I had the wins in that, and I saw the I saw the strides that I was making in that, then that gave me the confidence to be able to do the work in my marriage. But I wasn’t in a place where I could do those things at the same time. And once I realized that I couldn’t, and I kind of settled in it. And that’s it. Now, that doesn’t mean that I got to mistreat my husband, or, you know, act outside of how God would want me to act. It just meant that I didn’t have the bandwidth in that moment to do that work. And I had to be honest with myself and say that there are so much stuff that was going on at that time, mentally, emotionally, I literally couldn’t do it. And, and it was because the reality of it was because I was broken. And so I wasn’t able as a broken person, I wasn’t able to then also work on my broken marriage, though, because nothing was fixed, nothing was hold. And so I just had to decide that I couldn’t do that work yet. I just we were just kind of treading water, if you will, while I was doing the deep dive over here on myself. So that’s what I mean. Yeah, I
27:02
love it. It’s almost like I’m like, What’s God’s season for you? And kind of what’s the order of that? Like, taking everything all at once means that you can’t accomplish anything. But if you’re Yeah, Okay, God, what is the season in the timing that should be laid out? So I love that and the and the shoulds in this all in one season? It’s like, this doesn’t make any sense. You’re right, not doing anything that you quote, should be doing because you’re overwhelmed by everything. Right? That’s wonderful. That’s wonderful. Hey, I want to talk even more, if you’re open to it more about just the the challenges of the black community in, in marriage. And and like, I don’t know, I know, you have a million perspectives that you could give me and anyone listening that would help us
27:59
is the family dynamic and the dynamics of family are very complex in our community? Hmm. So I have, my husband and I were just talking about this the other night, we have as many friends who are married and have been married for 1520 25 years, we have as many friends in that space, as we have friends who have divorced, or who are kind of living their best life, if you will. And, and a lot of it has to do with exposure. So if if you have grown up in an environment where all you see is the brokenness, or you all you see, all you see is people, you know, leaving starting families and leaving those families or having children leaving those children, if there is nothing in your life, that that disrupts that, that exposes you to something different than it’s, it’s more more likely than not, then that cycle is perpetuated. And unfortunately, that oftentimes kind of feeds into stereotypes. And so then people who, you know, individuals who come from maybe a single family home, and they may live in a neighborhood that is, you know, that isn’t as economically prosperous, then that becomes a whole thing. And people sometimes start to treat you as Oh, you come from this background. And if you don’t have someone to help you disrupt that, then you become you begin to believe that you begin to live that and then that cycle is perpetuated. But once you once you have the blessing of that disruption, and you see that different is possible. making that shift changes the trajectory. It really does. And that’s what You oftentimes see, those couples get getting together and staying together because they don’t want to continue that cycle. And they don’t want to feed that stereotype, and they don’t want to continue that. And so that’s a part of it. And the other, the other part that I would say is less in the younger generation of, you know, the, the folks that are younger than me, people are getting the help that they need. You know, like I said earlier, growing up, like, I’m 47, and, you know, growing up, therapy wasn’t a thing, US you suck it up, you know, or if you were having, like, a mental health issue, or you have a mental health challenge, it was just like, you know, oh, she’s just, you know, high strung, or she’s just, you know, this. So that is all of these inaccurate stereotypes associated with the fact that you, you were having a mental breakdown. For you, however, you have a, a true mental health challenge or issue or you suffer from depression or anxiety, those things were very rarely, very rarely acknowledged in our community, you know, and those things oftentimes lead to the disruption of the relationships, because if you have a person who’s suffering from depression, or anxiety, and that person is sad, or, or kind of ramped up all the time, or, you know, that is stressful on a relationship, yes, and it’s stressful on a relationship,
31:38
just kind of when it’s, you know, Sunny and 75. But you add that to the dynamic of, of the complexity of things that, you know, that we that we experienced in about Blacklick community, and it was just overwhelming, it was oftentimes overwhelming. And so all of these different dynamics, and people are just there, then you have your kids who were like, I don’t want to, I don’t want to go into that. Like, I don’t, I don’t want to have that struggle, so they don’t get married, and they just, you know, do whatever, you know, or you have kids who who grow up and say, I’m not going to be that person, I’m not going to be that woman who allows my husband to walk all over me, whatever. So then you have this, this very kind of domineering, which is what I saw from the women in my family, you have this very domineering personality that rises up, or you have this, you know, you have our, our, our young young girls who say, you know, I need a man, and I’m gonna have to do whatever I have to do to get this man to keep him because my dad walked out on me. So I don’t want any other man to leave me. So I’m going to do whatever I have to do to hold on. There’s so many dynamics, speller in our community, sometimes it’s overwhelming. Sometimes it really is overwhelming to even think it through. And, and then you think about what what what part can I play? You know, this, this problem is so big, the situation is so big, what, what part can I play. And for me personally, as a black woman, my responsibility is to first and foremost present myself as a woman of God, that’s the first thing. That’s the first thing. And then the second thing is to is to do the work on myself, so that I can rightly represent that. But I can also help to disrupt those stereotypes. So I can also show my girls and their girlfriends, that you can have a marriage that is healthy and whole, two whole people who want to be together who aren’t just together just because, or the father is doing this thing. And a mom is doing this thing, but we are partners, we’re working together for the betterment of this relationship in this family modeling that. Yeah. And if each person decides that they want to do that, then that’s a that’s a significant shift in the culture.
33:59
Yes, yes. Yes. I love that. Evany I love that well, and I wanted to chat with you. Um, you know, originally I reached out you know, I’m, I am hugely, hugely passionate about impacting the black community in this way in marriages. And I’m just so honored that you’re part of our program, and I’m so honored that you listen, and do you have any ideas, advice on how I can attract more diversity in all the things that we do?
34:32
Mmm hmm. It’s very interesting that you said that diversity and inclusion is the work that I do. That’s my professional career. I’m a diversity inclusion. Yes.
34:52
I asked the right person.
34:54
Yes. So I am a DNR practitioner in my in my organization. And so I’m That’s always what I see. Right? That’s always what I’m looking for that diversity. Um, and when I came into my group of ladies on Thursday, there was only a one other apparent woman of color in that group. And I was thinking to myself why, I wonder why. I wonder if other women of color if they aren’t? Do they know about Bella? Do they know about t y m? And so asking my friends, like, I don’t have any friends who know who’ve heard of you? Right? And so I started to think about, like, why that is, and I think a lot of it has to do with exactly what I said that we don’t look for that help. We don’t we don’t, we don’t listen to podcasts like this, you know, or, or we’re not, we’re not always searching for help that cause cause us to do different, right? A lot of times when we’re looking for help, I’m thinking about some of our friends, when we when we’re looking for help. It’s like, you know, I need somebody to tell me how to fix him, or any, you know, but it’s not like this is work that you have to do. So. So I think I think a part of it is exposure. And, and it’s like, who can you? Who can you partner with? Who’s doing this work in our community? I think that’s a big part of it. Yeah. Because the other thing of it is, historically, as a people, we are not the most trusting of folks who don’t look like us.
36:39
Yeah. Right. And doubly? Absolutely. And so
36:43
I think that what would be beneficial is for you to have folks who have a reputation for authenticity in this work, to speak to the work that you’re doing. Love it. And and I don’t know, that may look like you being a guest on someone’s podcasts are someone’s show, or you I’m working with, you know, organizations that are doing work with families. And I think that you have to, and I apologize for using this term half too, but I think that it would be helpful for you to, um, I don’t want to say this, there has to be a level of transparency, because they’re going to be there. Just to be honest, they’re going to be some folks who say, we’re going to say, how can this, this white woman understand what is important to me as a black woman? Yeah. Right. And so I think that what would be helpful is for you to come from, as you do come from a foundation of this isn’t, this isn’t just a cultural thing, or a black and white thing? This is a God thing. Right? We’re talking about, we’re talking about an institution that God created the same God who created this diversity. So we are coming from a commonality of being women of God. Yeah, that’s, that’s the foundation. And and the principles of this foundation are universal. Now, yes, there will be some nuances because we have different cultural backgrounds and cultural norms and cultural challenges. Yes. And the foundation is still one that we can build on. And so I think that coming from that place of commonality, and that come that place of transparency, would be helpful. But I think the access and the exposure would likely have to be you partnering with folks who have the who have the reputation of doing this work in the community. Yeah.
38:53
No, it makes absolutely so much sense. And yeah, and I’m just honored that you would have the conversation and the openness around it. Yeah, and that you’d be part of a community that yeah, that definitely values diversity, and we’re in the process of becoming more time I told you before we chatted, you know, I have several one on one clients that are black and I love it. I’m just like, Yes, more please. Yeah. You know, I love or any, you know, people of color I want more.
39:30
So, you know, and other thing, we should be speaking to that, because I was thinking about I was listening to, um, I was listening to a podcast a few weeks ago, and I was like, oh, I need to share this with my friends. And I don’t know something happened. I got distracted and never and I never sent it out. But those of us of color, women of color or people of color in your in the dym community. We have to be ready Raven consistent about sharing this within the community? Because that’s that’s a that’s a big part of it because my girlfriend’s if, if you were to reach out to them directly them not knowing Bella they would probably be like, Oh, no about this. But ebony, reaching out and saying listen, y’all need to listen to Belen, here’s why I have I have a good relationship with my girlfriends and they would all listen. Right? So that’s a, that’s a big part of it as well that we should be sharing this, you know, this resource within, within the community. So that’s, that’s a challenge to me. You know, I should be, I should be, that’s what I should be doing. I believe in the work I believe in to you. I am, like my best friend. Like, if she’s a life coach, my best friend is a life coach. And every week, she’s like, you know, she was happening on a call on this day, right? Let me tell you what I learned my modules. Let me tell you what, you know, she’s like, You got excited or anything or you? See, it’s like, it’s, you know, me for like, 21 years. So she knows whenever he is excited about something. She’s on 10,000. She’s like, what is happening? I’m like, ma’am, listen, let me tell you what is happening. And she knows the ins and outs of my marriage. So she’s like, You’re different. Yeah, she’s like, You’re different. Yeah. So she prayed with me. When I decided to join you. I am. I was like, Is this what I’m supposed to be doing? And everything just lined up? And she was like, Yes, this is absolutely what you’re supposed to be doing. And she was my life coach, before I transitioned to dy M. So I had to stop working with her to start working with you. And she was totally okay with it. She was like, Yes, this is what you’re supposed to be doing. So it’s like within our community, particularly when you have resources and access that you could share the why and what we should be doing that we should be doing it. And so that’s, that’s probably one place where I would start, I would ask your clients of color, to recommend you to talk about you to figure out a way that they can, they can spread and share and be consistent with it. That’s that’s one place to start.
42:11
Oh my gosh, you’re the best. You are just the best. I just love this. Everybody. Well, would you do me a favor? If you’re? If you can imagine a wife listening? Maybe a woman of color, maybe someone who is just a similar row that you’ve you’ve had? Um, would you pray for her on this call? Oh, yeah.
42:31
Okay. Oh, yes, absolutely. Okay. Oh, Lord, forgive me, y’all Forgive me in advance if I cry? Because I am definitely prior. Okay. Let me just say that. Oh, oh, have mercy precious, precious on our Father, we thank you for the blessing of this day. What an amazing God you are, you are concerned about every aspect of our life from the little things that we think are little, but everything is big to you, because you are our God, our Creator, all the way to the big things that are earth shattering and sometimes catastrophic in our lives, you are there and present, you said that you would never leave. See, you would never forsake us in any part of our life. And God, we thank you for that. We thank you for the blessing of Bella. She is leading her life according to the purpose that you have ordained for her and she’s blessing the lives of many. And so God, I thank you for the blessing of this conversation and for her, her transparency for her passion for her own vulnerability in what she does. And I pray right now for the woman who is listening to this guide that she would be moved by the power of the Holy Spirit that she would be convinced and convicted to do the work. And stay close to you God doing the work because it is not going to be easy. I am not going to sugarcoat and say This road has been an easy one it has it has not been, however the benefit and the blessing that comes from doing the things that you would have us to do particularly as it pertains to our, our health, our mental health, our wellness and the sake of our marriage. The blessing that comes our they are there. They’re beyond quantifying. That’s what I would say there’s no there’s no there’s no number, there’s no numeric numeric value, that we can get to how big these blessings are. And our lives will be changed the lives in our community, that your deck trajectory of our families, the legacy everything is changed when we lean into the things that you say for us to do and how you save us do it, beginning with our families. And so God I pray for that woman who is struggling, who has no idea what to do or which way to go. I pray God that she would first surrender. She would ask You God says to scan her heart and to show her those things that she needs to work on. And then give her the strength to do those things and lead her to the resources guidance. Specifically I’m asking you to lead her to Bella. I’m asking you specifically to lead her to Belle into the programs that are that are appropriate for her. So God right now i Thank you. I thank you for the victory over her life, because we trust you God that that thing that is not right today. We’ll be right tomorrow. We thank you, God, we love you and we praise You for Christ our Savior sick. Amen.
45:17
Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen. Well, this was so amazing.
45:28
Thank you.
45:32
Oh, my goodness. Yes. And I’m so I’m just thinking if you’re open to it. If there’s anything you want me to take out, I can, but would you be open to this being on the podcast?
45:47
Holy cow. Um yeah, I think yes. Yes, I would be open. Yeah, yeah.
46:05
Do you want? Um, do you want me to? I can give you the recording. You can watch it or listen to it, and then you can let me know.
46:15
Or do you feel good?
46:20
I feel good. I trust you. Yeah, I think it’s amazing. I trusted. Yeah.
46:33
That’s not scary at all.
46:38
I am serious. It’s amazing. I think it’ll encourage so many your story is so powerful. And you have just fought through such incredible things. Praise God. And you never talk about your family and the different things you’ve had with different things, which I mean, so much. Praise the Lord. Yeah.
46:59
Yeah. Really, it really has been a lot. Um, and I just the timing of everything is because it’s only God. I mean, he just he just ordered everything. He knew that I had to do work on myself extensive work on myself. If, and here’s the thing, I didn’t tell you, I forgot to tell you this, like, I save your podcast in my library. Probably. Maybe a year ago? Probably. Yeah, probably like a year ago, maybe a year or so ago. And I didn’t start listening until August, maybe September, October of this year, is when I actually started listening. Because I had gone through and I had saved all of these marriage podcasts, you know, I’m gonna do work. And I was listening. And I didn’t listen to Nereo one. I started walking. And I was like, Well, let me see what I and I started listening to this other one. And I was like, it wasn’t quite like, it wasn’t quite hitting me, right. And then, um, and then yours, dy M popped up. And I was like, Well, let me start here. And and then that was it. And I kept every day I would listen to every day you were talking to me, you kept talking about the clarity call. And I was like, I’m not gonna do this. And then one day, my husband and I, we were just like, I mean, we were at completely opposite ends. And I was like, Okay, God, this is not gonna work. Like this is not working. And so then I did the clarity call with Dana. And I just, I just knew, I just knew I was like, I don’t know how this is going to pan out. I don’t know what I need to do to make it happen. I don’t know what kind of resources we need to put into place. And I decided that I was going to do it and not tell my husband, because I have done so much. Talking in the past. I’m gonna do this, someone do that. And that stuff didn’t pan out. And he gets you know, he gets like he he’s told me I get my hopes up, and then nothing. Comes I decided I wasn’t going to tell him and he still doesn’t know. Oh, he does. He still doesn’t know. And so I’ve just been quietly doing the work. Wow. Yeah. Just quietly doing the work. Yeah. I’m like, I don’t want to talk anymore. I don’t want to keep saying I’m gonna I’m gonna I’m not doing it anymore.
49:15
Any Oh? Oh, I just love it. Well, this is amazing. Oh, you’re just so wonderful. This is just marvelous. Well, yeah, I guess God did have a really special thing in mind, didn’t he? This is not what I expected from
49:34
me Yeah. When I saw your message pop up. First of all, I was like, oh that was in my and that was because I was listening to a podcast and I was I was driving and I saw this pop up in Slack and I was like, pull over Okay, I get about together get yourself together. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it’s a blessing I, in all honesty, I, I really don’t know that I can say how much I appreciate you and your team, especially Dana. Dana is like my heart forever. Like forever. Yeah. Yeah, I appreciate you all so much. I am hungry. For the work. I’m hungry for my groups every every week, I couldn’t go yesterday because I was in training. I was livid. Livid, and I sent him a message in Slack. And I was like, can’t be there tomorrow. And I’m like, and it’s just so much love, like, immediately so much love from the group. And I just, I just needed in this season of my life, I need it. And I just thank God for you seriously, like, I just do.
50:59
I know, I had no idea was going to be that amazing either. Thank you, ebony. But seriously, Doesn’t her story just utterly incredible how God has moved and you know, if you need that, if you need hope. If you need gentleness in your heart, and women that are going to hold you in love and encouragement and say, Come on, you can do this. You can do this and give you the tools and the insights you need to get to the other side. We want to be there for you. I do encourage you, you know, that was the turning point was a clarity call for ebony by God’s grace, you know, he spent, he really worked through the podcast for her. But it was this step of faith to actually come on a call, share her story, pray it through and find out if this was the right fit. And by God’s grace, he’s done just amazing things. So yeah, I’m excited if you’re if you’re the one that needs to be in this program, I can’t wait to see you on the other side. But no matter what I’m sure you’ve had just wonderful encouragement from from Ebony. I know I have wishing you a wonderful afternoon, evening. Morning. Whatever time you’re listening to this and God bless you