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Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage. Hi, welcome. This is belah. And I’m grateful that you’re joining me. And if this is your first time joining, I want to let you know that this is a safe space. We talk about uncomfortable topics. But I try to do it in a way that is really godly, and really makes him proud of us. That’s the goal. I want to hear well done good and faithful servant. And when I do this work, that’s, that’s my focus. That’s my goal. So if you’re, if you’re new here, especially if you’re a wife, that maybe your husband invited you to listen, I just want to say thank you, and maybe just out of curiosity, you’re going to continue. And maybe you’re going to find some value in what I talked about, and maybe you’re not. And either way, I’m totally okay with that I just thank you for for spending the time that you are spending right now with me. So it means a lot, I don’t take it lightly. But I do hope that you’re going to get value and I’m going to do my best to give you value in this conversation. So yeah, let’s dive in. This episode, let me tell you the goal right now for you, if you’re a wife, brand new to to my work, I want to tell you, my goal is to say Hi there, welcome. Here’s what I’m about. Here’s some background about me, here’s my my, my heart, my vision. And whether it’s just to to get some conversations opened up between the two of you or, you know, maybe maybe he’s taken a program, and he doesn’t really know how to to share it with you. And really wants you to understand who I am before making judgments based on you know, some of my marketing is, it’s hard just as an FYI, if you’ve ever been to my website, it’s really hard to present things well online when you’re talking about all sorts of things in marriage, including intimacy, emotionally, spiritually and physically. Because people do Google searches for very specific things. And so to to advertise Well, or to get people onto your website, you have to be very clear, in your words, because people are searching words, and then they have to link to the words on your website. The problem is, if I were just chatting with you in conversation, I would never come right out and say, Hey, XYZ, because that’s just not, no, we have to build a relationship, we have to build rapport, you have to trust that I’m not, you know, going to say some really strange thing that’s totally out there and totally not biblical and that you act, you know, came upon us website, that’s just very negative. And so yeah, so hopefully, this episode is an opportunity for us to kind of connect, and you to just hear a little bit more of my, my heart for you and your marriage and my mindset. And yeah, that’s my goal, coming into this episode, and even if you disagree with quite a lot of what I say, that’s totally fine. Your husband might disagree with quite a lot of what I say. But somehow there are some, you know, nugget that he feels would be good for the two of you to to chat about. And hopefully, that’s why you’re introduced to me and my work this way. So my first conviction, I’ll say is that men and women are different. We were created differently. It says man and woman were created in His image. Why would he say that? Why wouldn’t he just say humans were created in His image if we were supposed to be the same? I don’t think it would have been so clear in the Bible, even from the very beginning how different we are. But the truth of the matter is, I think our society is a little off base at at least a little in that inside and outside the church. And I do mean inside the church. We’re acting like men and women are the same. And I think it’s because equality is so important and I agree, men and women are equal. He made each of us in our, in his image You know, but the difference is,

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he made us unique. I mean, on every level, you know, even our voice, if I was a man, you’d be able to tell just by my voice, facial structure, body shape, even, you know, hair where it grows. I mean, the vast majority of women do not have hair, like a beard, etc. on their face. These sorts of differences are just so obvious. And I’m not even talking about genitalia. The fact that a woman but including genitalia, the fact that a woman can, can grow life inside of her body, a man has as nothing possible in that realm, like this is huge, the kinds of differences. And so yes, we are equal men and women, but we are unique. And so it makes sense that, psychologically, in even emotionally, we would be unique humans. You know, when I get around a group of ladies, I mean, there are there is just a totally different feel, to our conversations than getting around a group of men. That’s just the way it is. And I and I, Coach men, and I coach women separately. And I’ll tell you a little bit more about why in a minute. But even scientifically, we are so different that when they look at the brains and the brain structure, we are different, even when wheeled into the hospital, it is important that even if somebody is transgender, for example, it’s still vital that the doctors know what they were born as male or female, because in the DNA structures, it’s different. And they cannot serve, they cannot help. Like basically, if there’s a mismatch, they’re not going to be able to help maybe life saving support to that person. So we just really need to just accept that God made us different. And it makes sense that the things we can’t see, are also different. And so that’s what I really focus in on is a husband feeling fulfilled, in certain ways is different than a wife feeling fulfilled in certain ways. And when we deny the differences between us, I think we deny God’s glory, because the special features of a woman is God designed. And it empowers us to see God in a new and different, wonderful light. And in the same way, when we understand and accept and appreciate the uniquenesses of man, we’re also have a man, we’re also encountering the goodness of God in that way. So let’s talk a little bit about what I see as men and who they should be. And, you know, a huge part of my podcast episodes, and my work is to men, because for a long time, I was only working, I was only working with women, I was only speaking to women, I thought, oh my gosh, I can’t speak to men that’s scary and maybe imprudent to even talk to men. You know, I just wanted, I didn’t even want there’s a phrase in the Bible. I didn’t even want the perception of evil, like even a hint of possibly doing it the wrong way. I didn’t even want that. So I was so careful for years to not even though. So I’d be speaking to women. The thing is, men would find my podcast and they’d say, How do I get my wife to listen to you? And I was like, I have no idea. No idea, please stop emailing me. I was kind of, I wouldn’t tell them to please stop emailing me. But I kind of just, I had no idea what to do. No, I was I tried to be gracious and empathetic. But I really was just like, I don’t think it’s right to pursue any kind of help for men.

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And this was for years. And finally I started engaging in conversation with them via email, and then finally over the phone and just understanding where are they coming from what and then I started to see the gaps. And then it was like, oh, okay, so you think XYZ? No wonder your wife as you know, wants nothing to do with you or is hurt in these ways. And so she’s responding in these ways. So you’re only seeing her response, but you have no idea why she hurt. And so that’s when we did the pilot program of just like, hey, is this you know, I’ll just try it and you know, get five guys signed up right away. And then God did some really cool things in their marriage over those three months. And then we did it again. And then we did again and then perfecting this system to now by God’s grace, we’ve just graduated another class of Mr. One students, and it was actually a to two classes in the masculinity reclaim program. And most of their wives didn’t know they were doing the program. And yet, the men came in one way, and God changed them from the inside. So that by the end of the program, not only are their marriages, in many cases transformed, where they’re emotionally connected, like they’ve never been, and even physical intimacy is better than it’s ever been. And yet, she didn’t know he was doing the program. Now, if you’re a wife listening, you know, the only way that could happen is if he changed who he was on the inside. And then that time tested, it was a permanent change, she could trust that this is really who he is now. And that takes time. And so my programs are three months, but sometimes it’s just expand the timeline, you just got to stay consistent until she can trust this. This is really you. And so what happens a lot of times what I notice, and even what men will leave my program as I just like somebody said yesterday, I just am so grateful, I no longer feel confused. But no, my marriage isn’t perfect, but at least I know why now, at least I know why we’re running into these problems. Because before I was just confused, like why, what’s what’s going on here? And now I know why. And so that’s I tried to translate what is it that wives need, in their marriages that their husbands are lacking? And so let me just tell you what I think it is whether or not you agree with me is a totally different story. But this is what I teach. So what I teach is that wives are needing to be firstly known, a wife to feel fulfilled in her marriage, she needs to be known. So who she is, is admired, appreciated, noticed, and I don’t mean her physicality. I mean, who she is her personality, her strengths, her weaknesses, what she likes, what she doesn’t like, the things that mattered to her, are known by him. And they matter to him. And he acts in such a way that they matter to him. And for her to really feel known is huge. Alright, so that’s the first one known. Second one is safe, safe. Now, let me explain that, yes, physically safe, that’s hopefully a given physically safe, that there’s no abuse happening in the home. If there is that is a huge problem and needs to be dealt with, in a really serious way. There’s actually help if your husband listening, there’s help for you. If you’re struggling with physical abuse in your home, you need to get an A program to help you. There’s different programs out there, just do some Google searches, but you need this to stop immediately. I cannot say that more, more directly. Okay, so aside from physical safety, assuming that’s not even on the table. The next thing is emotional safety, emotional safety, that dear wife, you feel like your feelings are important to him. That he wants to know about your day, that he wants to hear what’s going on for you. He wants to hear what’s happening in your heart. He wants to hear your fear hearse. He wants to hear your worries. He wants to hear your joys and how you’re proud of yourself.

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And it’s got to also be judgment free. You know if she feels his judgments or criticisms or complaints around anything in the marriage, including, and probably especially intimacy, physical intimacy, she’s not going to feel safe. She’s not going to come towards him. Because a wife wants a husband who was a man of the fruits of the spirit of love and joy, and peace and patience. Patience, patience, and gentleness, a gentleman, a gentleness and kindness, kindness even for for her watching him do kind things to others. It’s such a exciting thing to watch your husband do that, isn’t it? And goodness, and faithfulness and self control. I’m pretty sure I got all nine hopefully. But that’s the thing that a wife wants and her husband, you know, when we think about what’s true masculinity, it’s the person of Jesus, he was the manliest of men. He was the picture of masculinity that we really should be looking towards. And when I teach men in my programs, I help them do that practically. Because a lot of times they don’t know how to live these out with their wife. And here’s the truth of the matter is, dear wife, you are very perceptive, you were very smart. And you can discern a lot, maybe more than your husband. And so when you see him, be a man of poor character, whatever that means, or not make you and the kids feel safe. Whether you know, emotionally, not listened to all of these things, it makes you really doubt his relationship with Jesus. I mean, maybe I’m projecting and putting words in your mouth, but it’s hard to follow somebody who doesn’t look like Jesus and say, Oh, they’re the spiritual leader of the House. I hope, I hope that makes sense. Let me tell you the third thing that I feel women need to feel fulfilled in their marriage is to be wholeheartedly cherished. Wholeheartedly cherish, that’s the romance. Those are the surprises. That’s the Hey, I was thinking of you. So I picked this up, and I know it’s your favorite. It’s just the little things it doesn’t have to be some amazing weekend getaway those though, you know, every now and then that would be cool. But it might it might be you know, grabbing her favorite drink alcohol or non alcohol, no big deal. And, and heading over to, you know, a sunlit, a sun, the sun going down in a certain area of the park and having a little song ready for slow dance. And that just be a surprise, like, whatever it may be that wholeheartedly cherished, where he is just swooning over you just just like when you’re dating, he thought about how he could romance you. So that’s what I think if you dumb it down to what she needs to feel fulfilled, those are the three. And why is it that I train husbands and wives separately, I think that’s important to mention, because again, I didn’t want to train men separately, I thought, you know, this is this is an, you know, an inappropriate thing for a woman to train men. And what I found out is they need help. And if I can come with the maturity, and the discipline to not let conversations turn immature, or just, you know, it’s my professionalism, that I keep the conversation in a in the right way.

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And so, with that in mind, God, I think, has given me the grace to keep those conversations in a very healthy, helpful way. And the nice thing that you may or may not at some point, listen to many, many testimonials, but many of the men that I coach are pastors themselves. And that’s part of the reason I just love this work is because it’s exponential impact. It’s you, you work with the pastors, you help them in their marriage, and then they are leading a flock. Now they have the tools and insights needed to help the people they pastor. I mean, my goodness, if I could just help the pastors be more like Christ in this vital area of life. I mean, it fuels all the rest, and I don’t know where you are in your marriage. But if you’re healthy, and you’re you feel loved and filled. I mean, that empowers the rest of your life, doesn’t it? When you feel accepted for who you are, and you feel like you can be your best because you are just so well loved, and accepted for who God has made you to be. You can just expand in in positive ways everywhere else. And so that That’s my goal when I train men, and it’s also my goal when I when I train women and for women, you know, I don’t want to, I guess I, with our first conversation, I just want you to agree with everything I say. So I’ll let you explore if you care to other podcast episodes that talk more about what I think about what men need to feel fulfilled in marriage. But in our I, I’ll just say it, it’s the first one is to be respected. Second one is to be admired. Just like, you know, the high school guy wants the the cheerleader on the side, just yeah, you’re awesome. He wants to be admired. He wants the things that God has given him the strength to be encouraged and appreciated and respected. He doesn’t want to be mothered, he doesn’t want to be controlled or told what to do. And finally, the third one, which you probably thought was coming wholehearted sexual intimacy. Yes, you know, frequency is important. But really, you being there and you wanting his embrace in this way, fills him up in a way that truly I can’t understand. But I just trust it, because this is what this is what my husband is, and this is, the men that I work with. It’s not everyone, I’m sure plenty of people can disagree with my stuff. But I will say that the men I work with and that are attracted to my work. This is true for them. Another thing I want to just mention, I’m not a psychologist, I’m not a therapist, what I am is a Coach and Trainer. And I think that’s important. Because I will say in terms of, you know, just just so you can trust my stuff is that I actually coach therapists and counselors and marriage counselors who have been working with couples for decades, and I’m coaching them on their own marriages. So obviously, I’ve got something important to help them with. But I am not those things. And it’s important because I have a different worldview. I come at this in a different way, I’ve got a unique perspective, which my clients appreciate. But one thing that I want you to know is I was a philosophy major in college. And one of the biggest helps that that gave me no, this was God’s will, I was just so you know, I had planned to be a lawyer. And that was one of like, pre law, you could do philosophy. But here’s what philosophy gave me. It gave me an understanding that the things as a society we take as true now is based his on some buddies thoughts way back when, and we just take it as as as true now because we didn’t, we don’t know that. It’s actually based in some person’s thoughts. Way back when so so as an example, Freud, the father of psychology, so before Freud, there was no discipline of psychology, anywhere. And so after Freud, there were more and more and more, and it became an academic pursuit. And now it’s taught in universities, and now there’s master’s degrees, and PhDs. And it’s wonderful, wonderful. That’s not what my work is.

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It’s something different. I totally support therapy. I think it’s a great, great service. And and people need that my work is training. My work is saying, Hey, you want to do well in marriage? Let me train you a little bit. Let me give you the tools that you probably didn’t get growing up because you didn’t have some good role models. And and let me help you help you get trained on what makes your spouse feel loved. And then you wind up with this awesome marriage. That’s an awesome example of Christ’s love for the church. An awesome example of what a marriage could look like for your kids, and you are fueling the rest of your life. And let me give you one example of this whole philosophy thing. That I think is just a great example of why it’s important for us to realize our current societal norms came from somebody’s thoughts way back when. So for example, the US Constitution and Bill of Rights from 1791, which is where we are always talking about human rights. I mean, it’s, we’re really justifying it in that document of the right to life and liberty and pursuit of happiness. Now that is actually coming from John Locke, who was a philosopher. Back in 1689. He argued that person’s life, liberty and estate, is what he has rights to. And so that’s where Jefferson got all of that. And in Locke, John Locke, justified all of that, in the writings of Paul. And so it all came back to Paul. And so here we have this very secular mindset of human rights. You know, human rights are great, right? Obviously, that’s, but it came from God. And so the idea is that, so much of our thinking, we think is just inherent, but actually came from somebody’s thoughts. It was justified many, many years ago from somebody else. All of that to say that, yes, maybe it’s easier to wonder, okay, does that person have letters behind their name, and if they do, then I can listen to them. And if they don’t, I need to be very careful. I would say, be very careful, no matter who you’re listening to, be careful with me. And be careful with everyone that you think is somebody worth listening to. Because we need to be careful on who we let influence our way of thinking, right? We want to love God with all of our heart, with all of our soul with all of our mind, and with all of our strength. So loving God with your mind is being careful with what you believe, what you think about who you let speak into your life, what expert you believe. And so anyway, I’m on page with you if you want to be if you are skeptical of my thoughts, and I’m, I agree with you, I think you should be. And I also think that we’re going to disagree, and we’re still have an opportunity to hold space for each other. Because I think that some God’s best is for us to hold space for each other’s weaknesses. I mean, there are plenty of things you can teach me, there’s plenty of ways I need to grow. And those are the main things that I wanted to share and just invite you to explore more if you care, too. And also know that your husband probably disagrees with plenty of the things I say as well. But there are some aspects of my work that he thinks have value, and may be a value to the two of you together. So I hope this conversation does nothing, but move you to closer together and closer to what God wants for your life. Because I really believe that our priorities if done God’s way, our first God, whole heart, whole soul home, mine hold strength, that’s what we’re supposed to love him and pursue Him with all. But after that, it’s our human assignments, to love our neighbor as ourselves. And hopefully, hopefully, your spouse is your closest neighbor, because they’re on the other side of the bed to you, hopefully. And then it’s your kids. And why is kids after spouse because if the kids are not

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put in the second place, it destabilizes your whole home. Because the parents set the atmosphere for the kids. They have to be the examples of peace and love and kindness to each other. Which gives safety for the kids to say, okay, my home is stable, I can come in here and be myself, rather than they have to grow up too fast, and be the ones like no mom and dad stop fighting and, and that sort of thing, or this undertone of frustration at each other. So that’s why I just again, want to commend you for listening to this, because it’s about marriage, which I think is your highest human assignment, then it’s your kids. And then it’s the third priority is a discernment process. You got to figure out what’s most important after that, is it work? Is it ministry? Is it this? Is it that is it. Your your extended family, is it, what have you. But the first three are, you know, you don’t even have to wonder it’s God, your spouse, your kids. Again, thank you so much for listening to me. And I’m not going to mince words, if you felt like I was speaking directly to you, if you feel like this is something you needed to hear today. Now, it’s not going to be everyone who’s listening to this, but it might be you. Then I want to invite you to get on a call with a clarity advisor I trust who has actually gone through the program and if your wife you’ll only be paired with a wife who herself has listened to the podcast, heard God speak to her garden in a program with us as a team. And by God’s grace, their marriage his her marriage has transformed so if you’re one you know if you’re if I’m talking to you and you need this, you could go to delight your marriage.com/cc and If you’re not ready for that step, or that’s not the step you need to take in the season, or just not something you should do. Go in peace, like, total Blessings to you. I’m so grateful that you joined me in this conversation. Let me let me pray for you before we wrap up. Father, I pray for this wife, you know her heart and you know where she’s coming from. And you know that this might be one of dozens of resources that her husband has sent her. And if that’s the case, God, I just asked for a grace on her heart God to not to not be so exhausted by the constant barrage of teaching that he does, and maybe he’s going about this the wrong way. And he needs to go about it a very different way. But God, I also ask for a grace for her to recognize he’s somehow doing his best. He’s not doing it perfectly. None of us are. But I also just asked for a grace that there would be a nugget in this conversation that would cause her to draw closer to your will for her life. Because you care so much about her. Gosh, you just you just love this lady so much at her core. You want her to know that love in a deeper way. Father, I thank you for her. And I asked her blessing on the rest of her day. Give her give her moments to just smile today. In Jesus name, Amen. All right, well, hopefully we’re leaving this conversation friends still. And I would love to, to have you back in other episodes as well. Alrighty, God bless you. And yeah, have a great rest of your day.