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She felt he was “pushing her towards sex and she would pull away and it would make him angry.”
After 37 years of marriage, God has done a work in their marriage. Even though they were best friends, this was something that was always a “friction” between them.
She felt like she was up against a wall all the time and being pushed caused her to have no libido.
She had never, ever spoken to ANYONE about sex, ever. Now she is able to speak about it. After 37 years of questions and pain, now she’s feeling healing.
He thought he was expressing his heart and it was just pushing me farther from him sexually.
She says this freedom in intimacy “impacts everything”.
I think this will give you so much hope and insights into what you can do as a husband, and how you can be encouraged as a wife.
God is still transforming hearts!
Blessings,
Belah
PS – If you’d like to find out if a program that Julie was discussing that she or her husband went through, join us on a Clarity Call at delightyourmarriage.com/cc to speak to a Clarity Advisor (a $300 value, for free) to determine if we can help you like Julie.
Transcript
0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage. Welcome to delight your marriage. I’m grateful that you’re joining me. Now today’s conversation is so wonderful. It’s the story of a wife who loves Jesus, and has sought to pursue him in her life and in her marriage. And for 37 years. I mean, if we can just think about that, that’s not one year, not two years, not three. It’s not even 10 years, not 20 years, not 30 years, but 37 years. And for the vast majority, she has felt like sex was something that she had to do when all of the encouragement of her husband, for her felt like she was being backed up against a wall. For 37 years, my goodness. Now, here’s something that’s really wonderful about their relationship is everywhere else. They were best friends. Now, I don’t want to give away what what happened. But by God’s grace, things have changed. And I can’t wait for you to hear her story. Because I think there’s hope for you. I think there is hope for you, whether you’re the wife in the story, or whether you’re the husband in the story, or whether you know someone who has felt these ways, and this is an episode you need to send to them, and say, there’s hope for you. Because if if it can happen for her, it can happen for you. It can happen for your marriage, God is still in the business of huge transformations in hearts. And I want to just invite you to listen to Julie because she has just this preciousness about her. You’ll you’ll just fall in love with her as you hear her story. So let’s go ahead and dive in all right, Julie, thank you so much for being on here with me.
2:22
Thank you for having me, Bala.
2:26
This has been a journey. I am so excited to chat. Can you just tell me like a little introduction about you and your family? Little your background? Even?
2:39
Sure, my husband and I have been married for 37 years. And throughout that time, we have been best friends. And but our sexual relationship was always suffering. And, and I always felt like my husband was pushing me to sex, and then it would make me pull away. And it would make him angry. He had this very unhealthy discouraging cycle throughout those 37 years. And my husband found you in podcast Bala and was led to the masculinity reclaimed class. And right away, right away, I saw changes in how he was understanding me where I was coming from understanding himself. And so that was incredible. That was the start. And then he encouraged me to start with the women’s program, intimate freedom. So that’s how we got started.
3:59
Oh my gosh, amazing. Amazing. So 37 years. Oh, my gosh. And you’ve got kids, is that right?
4:11
Yes. Yes, we certainly do. Yeah. Okay.
4:16
Okay, and so, all of this was kind of so you were best friends. But this was a How did that work?
4:25
I don’t know. It was just the Lord that we were. I mean, we always enjoyed each other’s company, but it was always this friction between us. So there would, you know, we would have periods where our sex would be more open and more fun. But then, you know, it was always always a lot of friction.
4:49
Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. And so, I mean, I’ve been in a space where I felt you know, pushed and pressed and and all of that for Sexual intimacy, what was the? What? How did it feel for you as a woman to, to experience that?
5:07
I felt like I was up against a wall all the time. I felt like he was pushing me. Deep in my heart. I think I knew. I mean, I was no doubt that he loved to me. There was absolutely no doubt always. But I just thought, Why do I always feel so pushed by this man? And it was just though just it really took my libido just out the window most of the time.
5:42
Yes, yeah, naturally. So feeling up against a wall? Do you think that other women have that like now that you’ve been in the program and talk to other women, you think that others have felt that way?
5:54
I think so I think it comes from not really understanding how important sex is to your husband. That’s what it was. For me, I didn’t understand how vital it was for his being at his core to feel loved. And it sounds so simple, but I honestly didn’t understand that. And I, and I, too, didn’t understand my value to God, and that I was created to be a sexual being for my husband. So I didn’t understand that either. And so that’s, that’s been huge in this program for me to gain that understanding.
6:39
Wow, wow, amazing. What do you think you would have? Um, you know, what, I kind of have to step back a little bit over these years. And with his kind of frustration of all of it, had he sent you resources before?
6:57
You know, for a couple of years before we found you, we did but there was nothing that was really hitting the spot as to what we didn’t understand about ourselves and about each other.
7:13
Wow. Did you feel like when you heard those resources, or received those from him, or, you know, how did that make you feel?
7:24
That usually made me feel even worse, like, like he was? Continuing to push me? Yes, was not a good thing.
7:36
Yes. So then how did you end up in a program about sex? Julie, how did that happen?
7:45
Well, this is the story. It’s like, oh, Lord has a sense of humor. When I’m when my husband first encouraged me to join intimate freedom, I have to admit, it made me so angry, because I thought it was just another one of his things to push me. And so but you know, he was just really, I mean, what the results of masculinity reclaim spoke for themselves within my husband. So I thought there has got to be something to all of this. And then to I was actually had never ever spoken about sex to anybody. So just the idea even though we’re all women, it was like it was still frightening to me. But I have to tell you, that’s that’s been one of the most healing things is to just be able, what’s on my heart and to share about sex was where we’re talking 37 years of, of questions and pain, really. So that’s been very healing.
8:55
Oh, amazing. Amazing. So do you feel like you would have ever ventured into a program like this? Had your husband not gone first?
9:04
Oh, no, I don’t, I really cannot see that. I would have done it first. So God really, really worked. So yes.
9:20
That’s astounding. Astounding. So when you say that your husband changed? Um, what would you say? You know, if you could try to describe it, from your perspective, what did you see in him?
9:35
I saw that. He realized that he was pushing me. And he had never seen that before. He was just, he thought he was just expressing his heart and his frustration. And, you know, because sex is the biggest way he feels loved. And so he was that he was just expressing his heart. And then, you know, instead he ended up pushing me farther from him.
10:09
Yes, yeah. Wow. I remember you saying I think it’s probably been six months ago now. But you said I just feel like a bird let out of a cage.
10:22
Yes, exactly. That’s huge. Yeah. It, it really was huge. And that was pretty early on. So just just the door opened to begin to work on all of those years of pain and misunderstanding. And like I said, just to be able to talk with other women, and our monthly coaching calls where? Yes, my questions. I was so good for me.
11:00
Good. Oh, you bring such a good encouraging you. You know what you seem, Julie? I mean, here we are. How many? How long? Have you been in the program? Then?
11:14
I started our first coaching called Bella was December 18 2019. Really? Yes. So it’s been over a year,
11:31
over a year over year? Yes, I think it must have been 2020. Do you think so? Because this past year would have been 2021?
11:41
Yes, you’re right. Okay. Um,
11:45
no, I am so grateful. Because I’m, I just feel like you are such a warmth and encourager for all these other women. And And here, you know, I haven’t. I haven’t heard this much of your story before, Julie. So this is really special for me to hear your you know, all of this, but that you had never talked to anyone about sex ever?
12:12
Never. Oh, yes. Yes. Praise the Lord. Yes. So yes, exactly. I definitely a bird out of the cage.
12:29
You guys can’t see her face. But oh, my goodness, that was a look. That was.
12:37
And there’s a there’s more freedom all the time. Wow. So yes.
12:44
Wow. Just does this impact other areas of your life? Do you think?
12:50
I think it impacts everything. I think it makes everything have more meaning. I know. Because Because our marriage is so much stronger.
13:09
Amazing. That’s amazing. So um, so the reality is that women have a much harder time talking about their experience in the program than the men. Now there’s about an equal amount. Maybe there’s more men in the program now than women but, but there’s vast, more testimonials of the men’s program and the women’s program. I think we both know why it’s hard to talk about our own transformations and tell our streets. What do you think about that?
13:42
I think it it was, I mean, it blows my mind when I think about where I was and how afraid I was just to open up and be part of it, let alone two. It’s taken my husband and I lot of prayer together to work through all of this pain and misunderstanding. So, you know, I think I think it is hard because it’s just so close to our hearts.
14:16
Amen. Yeah, that
14:17
is so true. And very, there’s, I mean, it’s just being so vulnerable.
14:24
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. What have you seen in the in the women’s program? Other women’s stories of transformation?
14:36
Oh, definitely. Definitely. That’s and it’s so encouraging to, even if your week has been on the rough side. It’s been great to be encouraged by the other women and what God is doing in them and in their marriages,
15:01
Amazing. Amazing. Have there been other women in a similar spot as you have? Maybe have never talked about sex before? Or what would you say?
15:16
I think to a certain degree, I don’t know if there’s anybody who has, to the extent that I haven’t. But there’s, there’s definitely been a few that I’ve, that I’ve seen. So,
15:32
yeah, yeah, that’s awesome. And could you describe the program just a little bit for anyone who who’s not aware of how it’s set up?
15:41
Oh, sure. I’m in too much freedom. Well, two, there’s really three parts to it. And all three parts have been so helpful. And all three parts needed from me. So there’s your grad group, which is your group of women that meets every week, with your mentor. And there’s just so much love, and you get to you get to know these ladies, their struggles. Everyone shares, there’s, there’s no judgment, it’s come pletely judgment free. And this entire program is built on biblical principles and the love of God. And so, there’s the grad group, which is weekly, and then the monthly calls with Bala, um, which are absolutely eye opening. And thank you. So encouraging. And, and then your modules, which I really I felt like the modules gave me the tools to, in what I really needed and dealing with myself, you know, how do I, how in the world do I tease my husband? Like, that was just a mystery to me? Like, how do I do that? So yes, the code, the coursework is wonderful. So
17:13
Oh, I love that. I just love that so much. It’s true, like how teaches you that sort of thing, you know, in the right context,
17:23
in a godly way, you know, and that’s, and that’s what all of this whole program is about is being the godly women, the godly wives that God has designed us to be loving our sons. Well.
17:41
I just love it, Julie. Well, if there’s a woman who’s listening to this, I guess there’s two people I want you to speak to, but for a woman who’s listening to this, who felt very similarly that you did a feeling pushed and feeling like oh, here’s another resource to tell me I’m not good enough. What would you speak to her? What would you say to her?
18:06
I would say to her that, for all the things I felt my husband was pushing me in this is just, it is so inspired by God. And and, you know, I know Bella has put this together through the Holy Spirit. And there’s just so much love. And it’s, it’s just so right on. And you will not feel spread threatened by anything. In this program, you will only feel God’s love and embrace, and you will gain so much understanding about yourself, about your husband, about your marriage, and what God intends for you. And it’s just apps I can’t imagine I lives now without it.
19:05
Wow. That’s amazing. Oh, I just love and then what about a husband? Who is listening to you and saying, your story is my story like, I have a wife who never talked about sex we’ve been married, you know, decades many decades. And he’s, you know, banging his head against a wall like I’m doing all the right things I’m being we’re best friends but this thing is not and he’s just totally not knowing what to do what why would you tell him?
19:46
I would definitely highly recommend the masculine D reclaimed last
20:00
It’s It’s amazing. I’m so Bella I honestly. You are so holy, inspired, inspired, and how you spoke to my husband’s heart through that material and those calls was so amazing. And God is faithful. God is faithful.
20:26
Yes, yes. Oh, my goodness. Well, Anjali Did I did I prime you for saying that? Did I tell you to say?
20:36
Not at all? I want everyone to know, that’s my heart.
20:44
Are you reading from a script that I wrote?
20:50
Absolutely not.
20:54
Oh, my goodness. It’s just amazing. I remember, um, you know, your husband, interviewing him, you know, a year ago, is when he finished. Mr. One is before you started the program. That’s right. And I remember interviewing him. And I mean, he he shed tears. And he told me that is something he never does.
21:17
It’s true.
21:21
It’s just astounding what God has done.
21:23
Yes, it is. Yes, it is. Oh, glory to God.
21:30
Amen. Amen. Oh, my goodness. Awesome. I’m just trying to think what? Yeah, if there were any reservations that you had, just from the outset. You know, if you can think back, like, were there any things that you were like, I’m really nervous about this. Was there anything you can think of?
21:56
Oh, definitely. Like before. That first call. I was so nervous. I mean, like, like, we talked about, I never have to anyone about sex at all. So just the thought of it was absolutely frightening to me. And then I’m also on the monthly calls, I have some pretty pointed questions that were embarrassing for me. But you know, it, there was so much healing there. And it helped me to have more courage. And in our relationship, and our sex life, it gave me so much courage. And every time I stepped out of my comfort zone, it gave me another like tool in my tool belt.
22:49
Yes, yes. Ah, I just love it. I just love it. Um, what do you think about the dy M mentors, but you’ve worked with,
23:01
they are the most godly women, and they are just full of love and compassion. And they’ve been there.
23:15
Yeah, tell me more. They’ve been there. What do
23:17
you mean, been there? They’ve been. They’ve had their own struggles. And so you know, they they know how to express they know where you’re at, is what I’m saying. They know where, where you’re at in your struggle. Hmm. Yeah. And just, you know, just completely loving.
23:43
I just love it. Totally. You’re absolutely wonderful. Well, if there’s any other you know, any other. You know, I don’t know, maybe there’s a question I should have asked you that you kind of thought about before we jumped on that you’d want to mention.
24:04
I would just encourage you, if you have I had a lot of pain within myself, my husband and I both in our marriage, lots of years of misunderstanding. So I know this came up on our monthly calls, because I said, oh my goodness, it’s like, our marriage is an onion and we get one layer. One layer of misunderstanding and paint peeled off, and then there’s another layer. And then I think, Oh, we must be done now. Well, no, there’d be another layer and another layer. So I would just encourage women that that’s, you know, God is faithful and He will heal, and it can just take time and patience.
24:54
Yeah, amen. That’s so good. That’s so good. Well, and you know, Julia didn’t mention this, but I am wondering if you wouldn’t mind praying for the person listening, maybe it’s a woman in a similar situation that you were in.
25:09
Okay, of course, of course, I’d love to. Jesus, we thank you, we thank you that you designed to our marriages for your glory. And Lord, I reach out to that woman listening, Lord God that’s maybe on the fence about taking this program. And I would just ask that you would fill her within a wing, that that this is a program that can help her. And, Lord, I just pray I know what that’s like, and what’s scary, but that she would just reach out to you, Jesus and trust her marriage to you and, and, and to enroll and to just open up her heart to you. In Jesus name, amen.
26:05
Amen. Oh, so precious. Thank you, Julie. This was just amazing.
26:13
Well, thank you, Bella, thank you for being you and for being so obedient to the Holy Spirit.
26:24
Mm hmm. Oh, I so appreciate it. This is just, it’s just so exciting, Julie, because you have no idea. The amount of men that are praying and fasting that their wives would have a turnaround like you have, like, they just I get to hear from them all the time. And it’s so special that you your story is here. And thank you for the courage to share it with me here because it’s just going to give these men hope like, okay, okay, her husband change, I’m going to keep going, I’m going to keep changing, I’m going to not give up and to have faith that that, you know, you could have that together. It’s really amazing. So thank you.
27:16
Thank you. Thank you for giving me this wonderful opportunity.
27:22
Oh, so welcome. That’s
27:28
course and I just see, you know, I’ve known since the first time you asked me, I’ve known that I was going to need to do this. So giving the glory to God.
27:39
It takes a lot of courage. Surely, it really does. I am just amazed. I’m blown away. Everything you shared. I just, I just, you know, the pictures of the men in my mind that are just praying and praying and praying and staying steady and doing the, you know, staying the course literally even, um, and believing that this would happen for their marriage. And then here you are, you know, and and God did it, you know, and, and the husband went first. And that’s, that’s the the husband’s got a lead, right?
28:14
Yes.
28:17
It’s vital. It’s vital.
28:19
Thank you, Bella.
28:21
Thank you. Bye, Julie. Oh, Julie, thank you so much. And yes, giving God all the glory for this incredible transformation. Wow, wow. So, you know, again, this can happen for you, you can have faith, that God can do things in amazing ways in your marriage, please send this to somebody that you know, needs that kind of hope. And if you feel that you want to learn more about the programs that Julia and her husband were involved in, I invite you to get on a clarity call. It’s kind of like a consultation. It’s $300 value. But it’s free for you to have a clarity advisor who is trained to listen to you and hear your story and, and help you process, what you’ve been through and what your hopes and dreams are for your marriage. And if we’re the ones that we can help you get there. And if this feels like the right thing for you, you can go to delight your marriage.com/cc to get on the calendar. And we have limited space. So I invite you to do it as soon as you can. And yeah, who knows what God might have in store for your marriage too. Alright, God bless you. I look forward to speaking to you next week.