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How to be a Good Sexual Man: Interview with Sam Jolman

Men, have you ever wished someone had sat you down and given you the sex talk you really needed—not the awkward, surface-level version, but a conversation that spoke to your heart, your masculinity, and how all of that relates to your sexuality and how God designed you? 

That’s exactly what therapist and author Sam Jolman offers in his book The Sex Talk You Never Got: Reclaiming the Heart of Masculine Sexuality.

I was deeply honored to have him on the Delight Your Marriage podcast for a conversation I believe every man and every wife needs to hear.

Below are some highlights from our conversation—rich truths that stirred awe, healing, and even some tears. We hope you can listen in on the podcast and check out his newest book, available everywhere books are sold.

What Does It Mean to Be a “Good Sexual Man”?

Sam shared how the term “good sexual man” often sounds like an oxymoron in our culture. If someone says a man is “very sexual,” we usually don’t take it as a compliment. But what if masculinity and sexuality are meant to be good—designed by God, filled with honor, love, and even awe?

Sam invites men to recover their God-given sexual goodness, not by ignoring the brokenness, but by acknowledging it and moving through it—through experiences of shame, silence, even possible harm into healing, wholeness, and holiness.

He said, “The issue isn’t too much sexual desire—but too little heart.” 

Your heart was meant to be connected to your sexuality, and it is something that many of the men he speaks with have trouble bringing into their sexuality.

Masculinity Reclaimed: More Than Behavior Management

Too often, conversations around male sexuality in the church revolve around “behavior management”—Am I behaving or not? Am I sinning or not?

But Sam urges men to ask deeper, more hopeful questions:

What kind of lover am I?
Do I pursue my wife emotionally, not just physically?
Have I honored the wounds in my story that made me vulnerable?
Have I mistaken my brokenness as only sin, when it’s also about being wounded?

This is not about making excuses—it’s about seeking healing and becoming the kind of man who loves deeply and well.

Awe, Sensuality & the Glory of a Woman’s Body

This part of our conversation brought me to tears.

Sam quotes author Mike Mason who described his wife’s naked body as glory. And Scripture supports this—glory is what is veiled in the Bible, not hidden out of shame, but out of reverence.

What if we, as wives, were seen like that? What if our husbands truly beheld us as the masterpiece of God—with awe, wonder, tenderness, and joy? It is what every wife is truly longing for. 

And what Sam beautifully points out is—this isn’t about trying to say something simply to please your wife. It’s about opening your eyes to the beauty God has already placed in front of you, for your pleasure, for your joy, and for your worship.

Jesus: The Model of the Sensual and Strong Man

Jesus was the manliest of men. He endured the cross, the lashing, the pain, all without complaint.

But He also wept over the death of His friend.

He was moved with compassion.

He made excellent wine for a wedding!

And as Sam so beautifully brought up, he received tenderness from a woman washing His feet with tears and perfume.

Jesus was both strong and sensual. He didn’t run from beauty—He embraced it. And Sam encourages men to do the same.

Sex as Play, Not Pressure

One of my favorite parts of Sam’s book is the idea of sex as play. (As you know, we LOVE playfulness at Delight Your Marriage!)

In the story of Isaac and Rebekah, Scripture uses the word “play” to describe their intimate interaction. Not “duty.” Not “obligation.” Not even “intercourse.” Just play.

How different would sex feel to wives if it was simply seen as an invitation to play? To connect? To enjoy one another—without pressure or performance?

When sex becomes play, there’s less fear and more room for freedom and creativity. It becomes mutually joyful and it draws both hearts closer.

We also both acknowledged that if sex is the only area right now where you play as a couple, it may not come as naturally or even feel awkward. Make sure to build a culture of play outside of the bedroom- go on playful dates, have playful jokes throughout the day- so that you can bring it into the bedroom more naturally.

A Message to Men Carrying Sexual Shame

Sam shared that many men, in the privacy of his counseling office, have revealed deep sexual shame—some of it stemming from trauma, abuse, or early exposure to sexuality that felt confusing or violating.

The enemy wants men to bury those wounds in silence.

But healing comes through truth, and through Jesus, who already knows, already sees, and already loves you. 

As Sam reminded us, your brokenness is not just your sin—it’s also your wounding.

And it was wounding. 

If this is you, you’re not alone. And you can heal. God makes all things new.

Final Thoughts: Why Every Husband (and Wife) Should Read This Book

Sam’s book isn’t just another marriage resource. It’s an invitation to men to become whole, godly, good sexual beings—men who integrate their strength with their heart, their sensuality with their faith, and their desire with deep love and awe of glory.

And wives—if your husband reads this book, I believe you’ll feel more seen, more cherished, and more pursued than ever before.

We hope this conversation leaves you feeling inspired to take in the beauty around you, stand in awe of God, experience the sensuality and sexuality that God gave you (that was purposefully designed, not a mistake!), and experience the fullness of God in your relationship with your spouse.

You can get The Sex Talk You Never You Never Got: Reclaiming the Heart of Masculine Sexuality wherever books are sold. (And there’s currently a buy one, get one free on the website so go now!) samjolman.com

Sam Jolman is a lover, father, therapist, and writer, generally in that order. His newest book, The Sex Talk You Never You Never Got: Reclaiming the Heart of Masculine Sexuality, has already received rave reviews, including a review and foreword from author John Eldredge (Wild at Heart). Sam also writes regularly on Substack and offers live monthly discussions with subscribers on topics like Christian sexuality, masculinity, healing from shame, and more.

 

 

With love,

 

Belah & Team

PS – If you’re interested in learning more about our Masculinity Reclaimed program, please visit https://delightyourmarriage.com/programs/ or schedule a free Clarity Call at delightym.com/cc

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