Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Church Scandals Aren’t Random: How Ignorance Paves the Way for More Harm

A Funny, Painful Story (That’s Actually Very Relevant)

Before we dive into heavy stuff, let me tell you a story. 4 weeks and 2 days ago…

Picture this: I’m flat on my back, in the middle of the street, 20 feet away from a car that thankfully didn’t roll over me.

I’m convinced something’s stabbing into my heart. Pain is shooting through my body in so many places. A kind lady rushes from her porch to help me hobble to safety while the ambulance is called.

As I wait there’s constant pain, but when I move in certain ways it suddenly becomes utterly excruciating.

No idea what I hit. No idea what actually happened.

Things were going great for the two hours I was on my OneWheel before the accident. 

What the heck happened? And what is happening now?

Some neighbor kids stop and check in. I ask them to pray for me and I lead them in a prayer in Jesus name… that was a comfort from strangers.

The ambulance finally arrives — after it seems like forever — and load me onto a stretcher. They were sure I dislocated my shoulder and were insisting to pull me up. I knew that wasn’t what was wrong.

I was embarrassingly vocal about not being helped up. I seemed to feel every single pothole on the way to hospital. 

Arriving in the hospital… the random excruciating shoots through my chest continued — oh, and so did my resulting involuntary screams. (No recordings were taken, thank God 🙂

So, the morphine helped and the oxy-whatever they gave me next.

But what really changed everything was the x-rays.

They finally discover the truth:

My clavicle was snapped clean through.

Knowing what was actually wrong changed everything.

I finally had clarity.
I finally had a path toward healing — real healing — not just numbing the pain.

I finally could understand how to move in a way that avoided the excruciating pain and actually kept things in place to heal most effectively.

THIS is what’s happening in the Church right now.

We have an injury. It’s bad. Really, really, really bad.

But instead of diagnosing it, we often just take some spiritual “morphine” — slap on platitudes, excuses, or cover-ups — and hope healing happens.

It doesn’t.

Tragically, thousands of new cases are reported yearly… in the church of Jesus Christ around the world. This is horrifying.

And the Church’s sexual scandals are not random.

They are not “one-off” tragedies.
They are the result of deep, hidden roots — an injury we have to address if we want healing.

Church Hurt: Ignoring the Pain Doesn’t Heal It

If I had ignored my broken clavicle, kept “powering through,” or simply taken painkillers to numb it?

It would have actually healed wrong.
Permanently damaged.
Maybe even required major surgery to fix later.

The Church is at that critical moment.
If we don’t stop and x-ray the damage — truly diagnose the underlying break — it won’t just stay bad. It will get worse.

That’s why these scandals feel endless. They are symptoms of deeper problems never addressed.

Church Scandals Are Not Random Accidents

The fall of a pastor or leader is often treated like a shocking, isolated event.

“He must have just slipped up!”
“It was a moment of weakness!”

But the truth is, these scandals follow patterns.

Unchecked small compromises.
Isolation.
A culture that produces an environment where pastors must be superhuman. 

Double lives hidden by fear and shame.
Lack of sexual stewardship.

These are not random falls.
These are predictable results of invisible fractures left untreated.

The Enemy Wants Our Ignorance

Satan thrives when we stay ignorant.

When we don’t know the roots, we can’t heal them.
When we don’t expose the darkness, it festers and infects the Body of Christ.

Paul makes it clear we shouldn’t be ignorant of how the enemy attacks:

“In order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes.” (2 Cor 2:11)

Jesus warns us:

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.” (John 10:10)

When sexual sin in leadership is ignored, minimized, or hidden, it does exactly that:
Steals faith.
Kills trust.
Destroys credibility.

We must be wise.
We must stop assuming “it could never happen here.”
We must learn how to recognize the roots before they bloom into ruin.

Why Sexual Sin Wounds So Deeply & How to Heal

Sexual sin isn’t “just another mistake.”
Biblically, it’s in a category of its own:

“Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.” (1 Corinthians 6:18)

When a leader sins sexually, it’s a double wound:

• Personal: They defile their own body, the temple of the Holy Spirit.
• Corporate: They shatter the credibility of the Gospel they once preached.

People who were already fragile in their faith see hypocrisy… and walk away not just from a leader, but from Jesus, Himself.

The wound runs deep.

But Jesus takes it seriously.

Jesus didn’t say:

“Try not to look at porn if you can.”

“Lust is understandable, just don’t act on it.”

No.

He said:

“If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out… It’s better to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.” (Matthew 5:29)

Jesus used extreme language because sexual sin matters that much.

We should not downplay what Jesus took so seriously.

When leaders indulge in pornography, prostitution, or affairs, they are objectifying someone God created.

That woman on a screen is a daughter of the King of Kings. A daughter who He even gave His only son to save.

Cover-Ups Are Spiritual Oxycodone

It’s easier to slap a spiritual Band-Aid over a scandal than face the ugly truth.

• “Let’s quietly remove him.”
• “Let’s not make a big deal; it might hurt the church’s reputation.”
• “Let’s just forgive and move on.”

That’s spiritual oxycodone — numbing the pain without healing the break.

Without truth and exposure, the infection worsens.
The pattern repeats.
More people get hurt.

 

Real love doesn’t ignore cancer.
Real love demands we discover it and deal with it.

 

That’s actual love.

And Exposure Alone Isn’t Enough

Here’s the other mistake:
Thinking that “going public” fixes the problem.

 

It doesn’t.

 

Exposure without a healing plan leaves broken people bleeding in the streets.

Just like my broken clavicle needed realignment, time, careful handling and care — fallen leaders (and hurting congregations) need intentional healing journeys.

Healing isn’t automatic. It’s hard. It takes time. It takes wisdom. It takes safe people. But it’s possible.

Healing the Church Starts with Us

You may be a small group leader.
A volunteer.
A pastor’s wife.
A youth mentor.
A faithful Sunday worshiper.

 

You are part of the Body.
And when one part is sick, the whole body suffers.

We cannot afford to shrug and say, “Not my problem.”

The future witness of the Church depends on believers who are awake, wise, and willing to act.

The Band-Aid Problem

Let me just say it plainly:

Covering up a church scandal with “just pray for him” or “let’s not talk about it” is like slapping a Batman-themed Band-Aid on a bullet wound and sending the guy back into battle.

He’s going to bleed out.

And so is the faith of everyone watching.

We need real surgery, not stickers.

What Next? What Pastors and Leaders Need

If you’ve been wounded by a scandal —
If you’re grieved by the hypocrisy —
If you’re tired of seeing Jesus’ name dragged through the mud —

You are not alone.

Healing is possible. But it starts with exposing the real problem and walking through the hard, beautiful journey of restoration.

Lord, help us. Heal Your Church. Give us courage to see clearly and love deeply.

Be Part of the Solution: Discover through a Free Training

Join me for a free training:
Heal the Church: Exposing the Hidden Roots of Sexual Scandal and the Path to Healing

Let’s stop putting Band-Aids on bullet holes.
Let’s start real healing.

Sign up today: delightym.com/healthechurch

Healing starts with discovery.

Healing starts with understanding.
Healing starts with you.

 

With love,

Belah & Team

PS – If you are ready to make a change in your marriage, to be free from sexual sin, to have accountability and community, we encourage you to make the call. Schedule a free Clarity Call at delightym.com/cc

PPS – Here is a quote from a recent graduate:
“My self worth was in the dumps. I was always looking for affirmation from my wife and she from me. Neither of us delivered – neither could deliver enough. I questioned my leadership positions at work and at church, just never feeling like I was the right guy to lead… [Now,] I’m taking ownership. This is my home. This is my marriage. She is my wife. Ours is a union blessed by God. In taking my roles as husband, father, help mate more seriously, my whole family has begun to benefit. The man’s role is not to simply coexist, but to lead the marriage and family. I can make a difference in the family by leading to and with God.”

 

Transcript:

Belah Rose  00:01

Belah, welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me, Bela rose, as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truths about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. Delight your marriage. Hi there. I’m Bela rose, and I’m thrilled that you’re joining me today. This is a topic that is really close to my heart in terms of my passion, because it is devastating so much of Christians their faith and this whole deconstruction of move, I guess what people are seeming to do, which seems to be so people feel enlightened to do it, but they’re inspired by church leaders that are falling and so this is incredibly hard, and I really want it changed, and by God’s grace, we have a lot of ability to help with that. In fact, we have a free training coming up called heal the church, exposing the hidden roots of sexual scandal and the path to healing. I am thrilled about this training. I’ve got to be honest with you, I’ve got it all recorded. We’re editing it now. It’s just, it’s exciting. It’s exciting to have a training for people that will actually help and then get them involved in how to help it change. And so it’s just a really exciting thing. I don’t want you to miss it. Go to delight. Ym.com/heal the church. Let’s do it together. Okay, so that’s a free training for you, but sign up before it’s too late, so make sure you’re on there. But I do want to just go into today’s episode, why church sex scandals aren’t random, and how ignorance paves the way for harm. I’ve got kind of an interesting personal story that you may or may not know. If you’re a client, you might already know this, but if you’re not, something kind of crazy happened the other day, and I’m going to share it with you because it seems relevant to this topic. So let’s get into it.

Belah Rose  02:33

Okay, so without further ado, you may know that I ride a one wheel, and it’s super fun, and I fell the other day, I guess four weeks ago today. I’m not exactly sure how I fell. I’m not sure what I hit or what happened, but the point is, I ended up on the ground in a lot of pain, and by God’s grace, the car behind me did not roll over me, which was great, and some folks came out and helped me up and sat me on their porch while they called the ambulance. So here’s the deal, and why is this important to this topic? Is, first of all, I’m sitting there on the porch, and everyone keeps telling me that I dislocated my shoulder, like that must have been what happened. And, you know, and I’m like, my right hand is fine. I can move it, no problem. But when my left anything happens on my left side, it feels a little wobbly and extreme pain, and I’m just like, Okay, no, no, no, don’t touch me. Don’t touch like, I’m just in, oh man, it was rough. And I actually had both of my boys without medication. And so, you know, I can handle pain, you know, at least some. But this, this was tough, I’ll tell you. This was tough. And I’m sure labor with both my boys was tough too. I just It’s been long enough that I scarcely remember it. That might be what’s really going on. So the ambulance comes, and of course, they’re trying to get me up, using my hands, but I’m assuring them that on the left hand side, something is poking. Something hurts. It really, really hurts. Don’t touch me. Please, please, please. So hard. Okay, so I’m yeah, I’m glad nobody videotaped that scenario, because I was screaming at times, because it was so painful. Anyway, they get me in the the ambulance, no pain medication, just jostling about as we go over bumps and all the stuff, and it hurts every single time. And then we get to the hospital, and of course, we go over some major bump, and I scream every time, because it every time it hurts. It just felt like every way that I was moving and laying there, and every. Thing I was in the wrong spot. It just hurt so bad. Anyway, finally get into the hospital bed, and, you know, they try to help me get in there. It was just, it was just terrible. So I’m in there, they give me morphine and then oxycodone, I guess, and eventually, everything’s okay. My husband arrives, he’s helping me out. It worked out great. They took an x ray to find out what in the world happened. And it turns out my left clavicle snapped, so that is what happened. But I’ll tell you, once I figured out what actually was going on. All the sudden, there was clarity. All of a sudden, I could tell where I should and shouldn’t move. Now that I know the left side was broken, I knew that I should not move in certain ways, and when I moved in the wrong way, it was going to be excruciating, but if I didn’t, it was just mildly uncomfortable. So that was huge, once I finally figured out what was going on, what was causing the pain. Now the thing is, as I’ve been in this healing journey, and my husband’s been incredible to help me day in and day out, doing everything for me. Oh my gosh. I had no idea how important my clavicle was to every function, from brushing my teeth to everything else. I mean, it is significant how important my left clavicle is, and that’s the way reason, one of the reasons I’m super glad I have such a great marriage, because he is so gracious, and it would have been a much harder situation if my marriage was not good. The reason this is relevant to our story here about sexual scandals is because as I was taking for a little while, I was taking oxycodone, and it made me feel terrible. It was like queasy and all sorts of things. I don’t know why people get addicted to it. I certainly have no I will never get addicted to that thing, because that is, Oh, I do not like that anyway. But I was taking just really strong pain meds of just different Tylenols or whatever, just strong ones. And eventually I realized actually, even though I’m taking the pain meds, if I, if I lessened those when I possibly could, as soon as I possibly could, and in fact, took none that could actually help me to heal faster. And I confirm this with the doctor, when I saw him next, that actually, by not having pain meds, I can better discern when the bones are properly lining up, and so when they’re properly lining up, and I’m not messing with it by moving in the wrong direction, and then it, you know, kind of hits each other and hurts. If it’s properly lining up, it’s actually going to heal faster. And so I want to feel it when it’s in the wrong spot, because then it’ll heal faster, so I can keep it in the right spot. The reason that matters to this conversation is that if we don’t know what’s going on, if we don’t know the root issues of why church scandals are happening, then it’s just going to make it worse. Then we’re just putting a band aid on a bullet hole. Then we’re where we’ve got glass in the foot, then we’ve got something that is maybe numbing the pain, but the actual break is not being healed. And so that’s why I want to get into how it’s not okay to be ignorant of the reasons, the core reasons of why church scandals are happening so ignorance of the of the source of the Pain means there’s there’s going to be more harm and more permanence, because that’s actually one thing about it. If it heals wrong, then you’d have to get surgery and all sorts of nonsense, right? So it so you actually need to know what is going on in order for it to be properly healed. And it’s the same way with church scandals, this is a pattern. It is not random, and we have to know the cause for it to be healed properly. Why is sexual scandal so harmful? Well, because the Bible is really clear that sexual immorality is outside. Is sex outside of marriage is wrong? I mean, it’s so so many different scriptures. And then when the Bible that we say we follow is not followed, and we actually have a sexual ethic, you know, people outside of the church who don’t follow the Bible wouldn’t really have that much of. A problem with certain behaviors, in fact, well, the truth is, they do have a problem with it. And you know, for example, Cheating is not a good thing on their but they have no reason to justify cheating being wrong. But beside the point, it’s easy to point the finger at church leaders and the evil they’re doing. Because they say, I follow this book, and this book is really clear that that is wrong. It also it talks about, you know, when you align your your body, like when you are sexually immoral, you’re actually, it’s, it’s your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit. So you’re actually uniting your body with a prostitute. When you’re sexually immoral, when you have sex with a prostitute, you’re uniting your body temple of the Holy Spirit. I mean, you’re defiling God in you. This is a big deal. It’s a big deal. Sexual sin is a huge deal. Hook up culture is a huge deal. When I my season of promiscuous, I I was really convinced that sex wasn’t a big deal. I was just like, you know, I grew up in Christian home. I, you know, my first marriage wasn’t what I thought it, you know, what I thought sex was supposed to be. And so what’s the point? I’m just going to do it my way. But I found out sex is a big deal. It is binding. You do unify. It is the way God put glues. The way God glues a man and a woman. It matters. And so for a person who is spiritually aware, as a Christian, to completely ignore the spiritual reality of sex. I mean, it really undermines what he teaches in every way. So what’s happening is people are covering up sexual scandal. And I can understand why, to be honest with you, I can understand that they are covering up because they don’t want more people to know the issue.

Belah Rose  12:17

So and two people are doing this. So one, the person that is doing the sexual sin is covering it up. Because they’re they’re struggling, and, like I said, the roots, we have a training on that. I’d love, I’d love to invite you to go there, that free training, but so I understand that person is covering it up. Okay? The second thing is, the people that, let’s say they do, find out, the church elders or leaders or the friend who am ever they are also covering it up because they don’t want others to find out, and thus it looks bad on Christianity. So I can understand you want to protect Christianity. The problem is you’ve got a it’s like you’ve got a cancer that you’re not exposing in order to get rid of it. And so it just grows and it continues. And I’ve heard this personally from folks that it was it maybe the person was removed from their pastoral or their ministry leader position, but it was never come to light what happened and multiple situations I’m familiar with personally, and It doesn’t hold that person accountable and so they can easily go and do the thing again, because they never had to deeply humbly repent. They could just go off and do the same thing. They could just do it again to someone else. And both of these were more predatory in nature, if you will, that I’m thinking of. But the point is, whomever it happens to, they aren’t having to be accountable. So it just continues to denigrate Christian culture of like, oh, let’s cover it up. Cover it up. Cover it up. No, it is important to expose it, and that’s step one. We need an army of folks ready to understand how to help them. Why did this happen, and how can we help? Because it’s not okay to just expose and leave it, leave it in shambles. We are dealing with a broken man. We are dealing with a pastor, a ministry leader who is broken, who has issues. So what do you do? You have to understand why, and you have to help. We have to figure out the cause, because it’s not random. It’s not random. So so often we’re ignorant. Of the actual issue, and then their secrecy, it doesn’t get dealt with. And the other piece about this is when it’s never presented before a person that, let’s say, has looked up to them, and then if they if that person that’s looked up to them never finds out what happened. That pastor never actually understands how heinous their crime was. They never understand how really terrible what they did was, and they also don’t understand how their lack of character harms what they say about Jesus. That’s something I don’t think comes up enough. I don’t think people speak about this enough. In fact, I don’t know that I’ve ever heard it when somebody lives a double life and has a lack of character but acts like they have a good character. The problem is what they say and what they do isn’t real, like you can’t actually trust what they’re saying because they might be over emphasizing or under emphasizing, you don’t actually know what’s real. So the problem with somebody not finding out that they’ve been in sexual sin means they can’t put what was said to them through the filter of, oh, this person wasn’t living it. So if this person is teaching something that they can’t live, that means there’s something wrong even with that teaching. But without knowing what happened, they don’t know to filter what’s going on with that teaching. And so there’s just a lot of layers of how foul sexual sin is to leadership. It should scare us. It should give us the fear of the Lord, because Jesus says it better be better for a millstone around the neck than for millstone around the neck and that person thrown into the sea, somebody who makes a small one in faith stumble. That’s what it says. It’s he takes it seriously. I want to tell you that I have walked closely with people who don’t tell anyone about their sexual sin, and they just tell me right super honored that they would share. It’s incredible that they trust me with that. But I will say sometimes it’s like a long standing, like many, many, many years that they’ve never shared. I will say that it harms them. It just harms them. I’ve noticed it. There’s a there’s a layer of depression, apathy, lonely, constant guilt, feeling two faced like a monster, feeling like they don’t deserve the good of life. And I don’t think it’s the right thing. I just really don’t think it’s the right thing. And anyone can walk around in that, and it doesn’t mean they have sexual sin in their past, just to be clear, but I have seen it enough that I’m just like, Oh, if this person was just courageous enough to confess and take what came and believe that, yes, God is a God of second chances, and he does redeem and he does heal. I just think it’d be so much better for them to not have anything between you and your spouse because you’re walking in the light. Now, I don’t anticipate, I don’t encourage you to, I mean, it all depends, right? But a lot of times I encourage somebody to share with you know, for example, a group of men, mature men, that can help you and guide you. It doesn’t necessarily need to be a full exposure to your sorry, full disclosure to your spouse, depending on a lot of things, get free, like get free go through the healing journey needed to get free. But eventually, sharing is so freeing, so freeing because you just walk in the light and then there’s nothing to hide. I but just stopping the behavior is not enough, because if you are ignorant of the devil schemes, you’re just going to walk right back into it. You’re just going to you need to actually understand the roots. How did things get here? What is the reason you got to where you are, yeah, when there’s no safety to share the lies, just build up and build up and build up. And it drives more behavior. I do think that a lot of times, people have this ignorance of what’s going. On and, and so they just believe the best, and then it can just harm, harm others around them, and and it continues this cycle to others. Because if you don’t know why you’re doing what you’re doing, or how it happened, then you are just it’s just gonna happen again. So when you don’t see people as people, when you don’t see that these women in the porn industry or prostitution are actually daughters of the Most High abusing them is fine, right? But the problem here is that as a Christian, you believe this is a co heir with you in Christ, you actually have to look at that lady as a daughter of the living God. And if you are a father, think about it, that woman is somebody’s daughter. That woman is somebody’s daughter. The King of Kings designed her. We have to have some of these things clarified, because being ignorant of actually what’s going on and the reasons these things happen is that it’s almost like sexual immorality no longer is bad, like a little bit of porn is not a big deal, no. Jesus says, If you lust after a woman in your heart, you are guilty of adultery. It’s better to pluck out your eye. It’s better to lose your hand than to be burned in hell. He’s talking about adultery. He’s talking about lust. Your eye, your hand. What are you doing with those things? You’re looking at some lady and using your hand for it. Use your imagination. Jesus takes it extremely seriously. He is not interested in you lusting and having adultery with others.

Belah Rose  22:17

It is a big deal. So we have to recognize these women are women. They are co heirs. If you believe you are made in the image of God, you have to believe that woman is made in the image of God, and she has a name, and she has a father who loves her, and she has emotions, and she does not get to be a pleasure toy. She is not there for that. She you do not have ownership there. You get to enjoy the wife of your youth. You get to enjoy your own wife. And that’s when you know. And I say you, I mean any potential person that plans to engage in some level of sexual immorality, that’s not that’s not it, that’s not it. So these underpinning ideas and beliefs are really important, and I think that’s so often what we miss, and what we need to do is have healthy, good conversations in the church around sex, healthy, good, important conversations for pastors, we need to understand what’s at the root of all of this. And so again, I would love to invite you to the heal the church, free training, exposing the roots of sex scandals and a path for healing. So go to delight. Ym.com/heal the church. Let’s do it, Lord, we ask You God to heal the church, we ask You, God to expose what has been hidden and give us grace to know how to help, to know how to encourage. This is not a confess and you’re done. There is a journey of healing required for these men to gain what they need to gain, to be given what they didn’t have when they were growing up. Lord, give them that. Father, we ask you, we don’t want your name tarnished anymore. We’re tired of it. We’re grieved. You’re grieved. God, we ask You, Lord to help us as the body of Christ, whether there’s pastors, missionaries, lay people listening, elders, deacons, help us to know how, how to help God. And I specifically just pray for this training God that that folks would attend, folks would. Want to discover and want to have insight, not just point the finger, not just be like the people that are throwing stones, but actually say, hey, how do I help? This is a pattern. This is happening. Something’s wrong, something’s going on that’s not right. How do I help? That’s what I pray for God. We want to help. We want to do the right thing in Jesus name, I just pray that you would do what you want to do. God through us, use us, Lord Jesus. Name, Amen. Thank you so much for listening. I It grieves me. I’m sure it grieves you. Every sexual scandal that gets exposed is just horrifying, and yet they all need to be exposed. They all need to be stopped. And how do we say, Listen, this is a broken pastor who needs help, clearly, clearly, clearly. He needs help and and he needs to not be a pastor anymore, but he does need God’s help. Again, it depends on the depends on everything. If he doesn’t need to be a pastor, but maybe he just needs the training and the discovery before, like self discovery before he before he could step in the wrong direction. So just like it was really important to go to the doctor, get x rayed, figure out what the heck was going on with my left side, and to find out that, okay, six to eight weeks, it’s gonna be hard. I’m gonna need to go through a healing journey. It’s not gonna be fun. My husband’s gonna be really involved with everything I do, and yeah, it’s gonna be excruciating sometimes. But knowing that there’s a path, knowing that there’s a process, understanding what the heck is going on? Made all the difference. It made all the difference when they said, Hey, this is normal. This is actually what happens when these things occur. And here we’ve got the tools to help you. It was, it was life, life giving. So we want that for you, which is why we’ve got this whole thing designed to ultimately bring people into healing. And we’d love to have you join so again, that’s delight y m for delight your marriage. Delight y m.com/heal the church. And sign up for that as soon as you can so you don’t miss it. Alright. God bless you. Have a wonderful day. We’ll talk soon. You