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Fall in Love With Your Spouse Again: Kay’s Story

Marriage is one of God’s most beautiful gifts—and one of His most powerful tools for growth and sanctification. But even after decades of love and commitment, many couples find themselves asking the quiet question:

What happened to us?

Maybe you’re feeling distant from your spouse.
Maybe you’re still under the same roof—but it feels like you’re living parallel lives.
Maybe you’ve stopped hoping things can change.

That’s where Kay was after 33 years of marriage.
But her story is a powerful reminder: It is possible to fall in love again—and to restore love in a marriage that feels broken.

When You Feel Stuck in Your Marriage

Kay and her husband had built a wonderful life: children, a family business, retirement, and shared dreams. But beneath it all, their connection was quietly dissolving.

Kay shared with us, “We weren’t arguing every day, but there was tension. There was distance. He finally told me, ‘If this is what the next 20 years are going to look like—I don’t want it.’”

Their marriage wasn’t hostile—but it was cold.

No more playfulness.
No more laughter.
And for Kay, no clear idea of what to do next.

Christian Marriage Healing Starts in the Heart

One night, Kay came across our podcast. She listened to a wife share her story—and saw her own reflection in the words. That night, she played the episode for her husband.

Both of them ended up in tears.

That was the moment God began softening her heart. But what came next wasn’t a joint effort. It wasn’t couples therapy. It was one wife, taking one faithful step forward.

Kay didn’t wait for her husband to change.

She didn’t try to force him into a process.

She simply said yes to the work God wanted to do in her. And that’s what began to heal everything.

How to Save Your Marriage Alone—One Surrender at a Time

There’s a common lie in marriage restoration: If my spouse won’t change, there’s no hope.

But Kay’s story offers a different story: Sometimes the most powerful transformations happen when one spouse surrenders first.

As she worked through the DYM program, she began seeing all the ways she had unintentionally pushed her husband away—through resentment, control, harshness, and silence.

“I didn’t realize how disrespectful I had become. How little admiration I showed. I had no idea how my own attitude was closing his heart off from me.”

Through prayer, scripture, and community, God began to soften her heart. And without pushing, demanding, or even explaining—it softened his too.

“He started coming home earlier. Laughing again. Helping more. And I never once asked him to.”

When you let God begin with you, healing has a way of rippling outward.

Biblical Marriage Advice for Wives Who Feel Disconnected

When you’ve been married a long time, it’s easy to assume the disconnection is just part of life.

But biblical marriage advice doesn’t teach resignation—it teaches hope, humility, and the power of the Holy Spirit to change hearts.

If you’re feeling distant from your spouse, here are some biblical truths and tools Kay leaned into:

• Let go of resentment. Carrying old pain closes the heart. Forgiveness opens it again.

• Replace criticism with admiration. Notice what your spouse is doing right. Thank them. Respect them—even when it feels hard.

• Spend time with God. Let His Word renew your mind and fill the empty places. Healing starts vertically before it ever flows horizontally.

• Surrender the outcome. You can’t control your spouse—but you can invite God to transform you.

“I realized this wasn’t just Christian wife marriage help—it was God restoring my identity and softening my heart.”

How to Reconnect After Years of Marriage

When you’ve shared decades together, the idea of starting over may feel impossible.

But learning how to reconnect after years of marriage isn’t about erasing the past. It’s about allowing God to do something new with the years ahead.

Kay didn’t try to recreate her early romance. She let God build something deeper, wiser, and more joyful than before.

After 33 years, their hearts are tender again. Their home is peaceful. And their future is bright.

When You Don’t Feel Loved in Your Marriage—There Is Still Hope

For so many, the pain isn’t anger—it’s loneliness.

The ache of not being seen.
Not being pursued.
Not feeling cherished.

If that’s where you are—when you don’t feel loved in your marriage—you are not disqualified from healing.

Kay didn’t feel loved when she started this journey. But as she learned to love God more deeply, and love her husband with grace and strength, she began to feel loved again too.

Not because she was striving. But because she was surrendered.

Christian Wife Marriage Help That Changes Everything

Kay thought she was doing this program to fix her marriage. But God used it to fix something deeper: her heart.

She discovered that Christian marriage healing isn’t just about relationship tools. It’s about identity. Surrender. Courage. And the quiet willingness to say, God, start with me.

Friend, if your marriage feels cold, quiet, or disconnected—you’re not alone.
If you’re longing for intimacy, peace, and laughter again—it is not too late.God is able.
He is faithful.
And your best years together could still be ahead.

With love,

The Delight Your Marriage Team

PS – If you’re ready to take the next step in healing your marriage, we would love to chat with you. Schedule a free Clarity Call with one of you Clarity Call Advisors today.

PPS – Like what you hear? Wish your church was teaching something like this? Well, it can! To learn more about the Church Training program we are developing, check out Delight Your Marriage Church Training

PPPS – Here is a quote from (another) recent graduate:
“Lack of sexual intimacy and communication. No variety in sex…I felt like my wife did not care about me. I had stopped initiating and I felt discouraged…Unhappy and unfulfilled would be the best words to describe my feelings but I tried to keep the feelings buried. [Now, my wife] gives me joy that pours into our marriage, my love for God, my family and others. God is love and I can better comprehend it when I am loved by my wife. Belah has transformed my life. I will never be the same. She has given me joy, hope, confidence and the realization that it is OK to be a man!”

 

Transcript:

Belah Rose (00:00)
Welcome to the Delight Your Marriage podcast. You’re joining me, Bella Rose, as I dive deep into the beauty, power, and truths about intimacy. Learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. Delight your marriage.

Hi there, I hope you’re doing well. This is Bella Rose and I have got to tell you, I am likely right in the very middle of recording a church training. ⁓ I don’t know if it’s exactly happening right now while you’re listening, but we are in the process of doing that. For years, people have been asking us to put our content from our flagship course for men or our flagship course for women. They’ve wanted…

put it in the churches. And for a long time, it’s just, when do I have the time to record something for churches? I’m coaching and creating podcasts and leading the team and just all the really amazing things that God does here. When do we have time for this? But it really became clear that this is now the season to push into this. And it’s been exciting how God has just opened up so many doors and so many…

You know, people have donated money because they’re just like, I want this in the churches. It’s been incredible. Really, really. So if you’re one of those, thank you. Point is for you, dear listener, that these next several weeks, we’re going to be sharing episodes that maybe were already pre-recorded, which is still really great content for you. Just feel like this is really helpful. ⁓ But also it allows me to take a step back and really have my focus on these church training. ⁓

series. So if you want to understand more about what we’re working on, go to delightyourmarriage.com slash church. And we’ve got some promo videos there. You can kind of just get your feet wet. ⁓ We are really excited because we’re launching in January, 2026. We’ve got our pilot churches going in the fall, but we’ve got the actual launch 2026. We’d love to have your church involved. So you can check out all the information at delightyourmarriage.com slash church.

All right, enjoy today’s episode. God bless you.

Dana (02:13)
you

you

Hello, Kay. I’m so grateful that you’re here. How are you today?

Kay (02:19)
Doing wonderful, thank you so much.

Dana (02:22)
you’re so, so welcome. But really and truly the thank you goes to you, okay, for having the ⁓ courage to come on in here and share your story. These stories are so incredibly important for those that hear them. I have no doubt in my mind that there aren’t wives out there who are going to be inspired by what God has done in your life here at Delight Your Marriage, okay? So I would love it if you would just tell us a little bit about yourself.

Kay (02:48)
Okay, I’ve been married for 33 years to my wonderful husband. We have three children. We are both retired now, but owned a business together ⁓ for many, many years. And ⁓ when we sold that, we started a family foundation. And so we currently run that family foundation. And ⁓ I ⁓ have two older children. ⁓

one about to be married and one already married and then one younger son still in the home and just newly became a grant.

Dana (03:25)
⁓ that’s so exciting. ⁓ that’s wonderful. Very good. Well, thank you for that. appreciate it. Sounds like a full and wonderful life. Fantastic. So I’m curious, do you remember how you found Delight Your Marriage to begin with?

Kay (03:44)
Yes, I think it was roughly about like nine, 10 months ago. ⁓ Just was kind of in a rough patch in our marriage and was doing some searching on the internet and came across Bella’s podcasts. And they were just so interesting and diverse. And I just got caught up in them. And I just began kind of binge listening to that.

Dana (04:10)
⁓

That’s awesome.

Kay (04:13)
And just, just, you know, a lot of the stories really resonated with me. And so not only just listening to stories and testimonials from wives, but also from husbands as well too. just really intrigued by the things that the people were saying and the changes that they had seen in their marriage.

Dana (04:29)
Bye!

I’m curious, Kay, if there was, was there a common theme in things that you were hearing that you felt related, were related to what you were experiencing in your marriage?

Kay (04:47)
I think there was ⁓ first of all, think, you know, I’m a little bit older and so was thinking that it would be a lot of young people, but I found that it was a lot of people that were more like in my age that had been married like 20 or 30 years. ⁓ And similar situations as mine were, you know, busy raising a family and doing all the things. And then later in life when it’s just the two of you finding like, you know,

not really satisfied with where your marriage is and thinking what’s that next season look like for us. really just kind of hearing that common theme that I was experiencing and my marriage as well and really could relate to that.

Dana (05:34)
Wow, wow, incredible. So good. I just love it. then so transfer your from listener to curious about more maybe. And so what what helped you pull the trigger on doing a clarity call?

Kay (05:54)
I think we had, we kind of hit another bump in the road. You know, things weren’t great and we just had kind of a couple of instances where I was just truly hurt, frustrated where things were at, not knowing what to do. And then I really think God intervened. And one night when we really had quite an awful day, I listened to a testimonial from a wife.

And really, if you could have taken her and her husband’s name and replaced them with my husband and my name, it would have been us to the T. And I slept that night just tossing and turning and trying to figure out what I should do with this. Should I, you know, do a clarity call? And I actually woke up about three or four in the morning. My husband was still sleeping. And I asked him if he would listen to something with me.

And so I played the podcast and we were both in tears by the end of it because we just both could see ourselves. And I think it was really the first time that we probably admitted to each other that, ⁓ you know, there were other couples that were probably struggling like us, but we just didn’t know what to do about it. And we knew we loved each other. We knew we valued our family.

We had created just so many wonderful memories together and not willing to throw that away, but just so stuck and not knowing what to do. So I just told him, said, I really would like to try this program. What do you think? And he said, absolutely. This is something that you really think could make a difference. He said, I’m willing to ⁓ support you. I don’t think he was really ready to do it yet, but you know what?

So what, I, you know, I’d heard enough of the testimonials to know that the husband and wife did not both need to participate to see change. And so that’s what excited me. thought, wow, if I could really just do this on my own and see the types of changes these individuals were, you know, expressing on their testimonials, then that would be enough for me. And so that day I signed up for the clarity call.

Dana (07:59)
That’s right.

⁓ that’s incredible. And I love it. I love that you, you were the one in the podcast. You had heard it. It resonated with you. You stuck with it. You listened, you heard, you learned, you came to a point where I’m truly hurt or frustrated and I just don’t know how to get out of it. you know, the Lord wakes up in the middle of the night, but at that point you say, honey, can we listen to this? And so is it true that that was his first

touch point into Delight Your Marriage was that podcast that you shared with him? Well, from there, think, I’m sorry. Go ahead. I just going to say from that point, it’s really special to hear, Kay, that yes, he heard it. And you both experienced something special because you both heard again, he was hearing the same types of things. Like, we’re not alone in this. Maybe this could help.

Kay (08:57)
Yeah, go ahead.

Dana (09:15)
but you kept it yours. You didn’t say, we need to do this, right? You said, I think there’s something here for me. Would it be okay? Well, like, would you support me in doing this for myself? And of course, you know, he’s so gracious. Yes, yes, that would be wonderful. But there was no expectation or pressure from you to say, we have to do this, that you really embraced.

right from the get-go. And I remember this about our clarity, the right from the get-go that there was ownership for you or there was responsibility for you to seek out.

Kay (09:51)
Well, I knew that I played a role in a lot of the discontent in our marriage, but I just didn’t know where to go and what to do about it. And so I really thought not only was this an opportunity for me to potentially heal our marriage, but was an opportunity for me as a person to understand, you know, the things that I was dealing with and, you know, how I could heal things about myself. And so

I was really excited about, you know, just doing this even on my own. We had tried some other counseling and some things as a couple, having gone through this program now, I understand why those things didn’t work for us at the time. You know, I really had things I needed to work on personally before I should really focus on the marriage. And that’s what I loved about this program. It really is you as that person going through the program, looking at yourself and what you need to work on.

and letting God work in your life and then that will then, you know, pay dividends in not only your relationship with your spouse, but, you know, really your children and then anybody in your inner circle.

Dana (11:05)
Mm-hmm, you’re so right. Wow, that is just fantastic. I love it. So clearly you had knowledge, right? So you had some delight your marriage knowledge, but then you took the courageous step to actually sign up before that clarity call and come into the process. And I was blessed and honored to be able to go through that with you, ⁓ What would you say the clarity call process was like for you?

Kay (11:32)
⁓ it was, it was very refreshing to be able to say out loud all the things that I had been feeling because those are typically not things that you’re sharing with really anybody else. There’s just not a good platform out there. You don’t want to necessarily air all your dirty laundry to anybody at your church or even in your family, because you don’t want to taint the way they might feel about your spouse.

And so I really felt like being able to have someone who was very unbiased listen to my hurt and my feelings and my, you know, just ⁓ shame about, you know, some of the way that I had conducted myself in my marriage. was really just very refreshing to be able to say that out loud and then also to listen back to it.

as homework afterwards and hear the hurt and the pain that I really was carrying but never verbalized. And that just in itself was such a relief because when you carry it and I wasn’t really giving it to God, was just carrying it. I felt hurt, I felt shame, all those things. And so when you carry that around, it’s very heavy. So being able to speak about that out loud.

Dana (12:31)
off.

Yeah.

Kay (12:50)
to someone and Dana, you were very supportive and understanding and I just, it was a wonderful feeling.

Dana (12:57)
Wow, this is so special. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. That’s fantastic. Hey, what were some of the struggles or challenges that you were facing prior to joining the program?

Kay (13:12)
Well, I had come from a family where ⁓ it was modeled that ⁓ the mother was more of the leader of the family because dad was out working full time and so mom just kind of, you know, held everything together at home, but there was criticism, there was disrespect and so that was just what was modeled and I thought was part of a relationship. ⁓ And then when I got married, ⁓

Obviously I saw something very different with my husband’s side of the family, but I didn’t realize how ingrained that had become in me. And so I really was not respectful. I was not admiring my husband. ⁓ I don’t think he even felt, you know, towards the latter period in our marriage where, you know, that I even liked him. I was just treating him so poorly and not realizing that, ⁓ you know, that just was…

wasn’t acceptable. was just taking out my anger, my frustration, my resentments on him. But having those frustrations, mean, resentments and not knowing what to do with them or how to address it, it continued to kind of a point where my husband was like, I just don’t enjoy our relationship anymore. If this is the way it’s going to be for the next 20 years, ⁓ I’m not signing up for that.

And it was a real wake-up call for me because I realized that I wasn’t happy either, but I wasn’t really, I was focusing on my kids and all the other things that could be kind of distractors for me. And so I wasn’t really owning the fact that our marriage was very much less than ideal.

Dana (15:02)
Wow, incredible. How would you say the program helped you overcome those challenges you were facing?

Kay (15:10)
⁓ Well, just first the beginning of program really teaches you how to let go of resentments to let go of expectations and to soften your heart and that’s really Where I needed to start ⁓ I wasn’t going to make any progress until I really understood those things and So I spent a lot of the first few weeks just focusing on that. I kept going back to the okay, you know, here’s where my resentments are here’s the hurts I’ve felt and

and I have to release them if I’m gonna heal and I’m going to be able to be the wife that my husband truly deserves. And so that was really the big part of opening kind of that floodgate for me is once I was figuring out how to let go of the pain, the hurt, the resentment, and to soften my heart towards my husband, all of a sudden I could start to then see

all the goodness in him and all the wonderful things that he did for me and for our family that I couldn’t see before. And the negativities that I was harboring and you know, just all those things that were really keeping me from ⁓ being a loving wife. And so just each week, that’s what I loved about the program was just each week it was kind of peeling back that onion of like, okay, now we’ve dealt with resentment, what’s the next thing? And God was just there to really

take me through each step as hard as it was. There was a lot of things that felt awkward and uncomfortable that I really needed to do. ⁓ wow, so praying about that and incorporating really the spirituality of it along with the things that I needed to do was just, that was really the key, I think for me is ⁓ I really didn’t spend a lot of time with the Lord and with scripture. And so,

when that was part of the program and I really dove into that, I could see that was really what was doing the work. I was doing the homework, but it was the Lord working in my heart to make those changes.

Dana (17:19)
Praise God. ⁓ that is so good. And so exciting. Yeah, and challenging, right? I’ve been there. Definitely challenged in that work. But look at the glory that he’s brought about. I love what you just shared that, you know, the process helped open the floodgates to see the goodness in your husband that you couldn’t see before.

Kay (17:48)
Absolutely.

Dana (17:49)
That’s like.

Kay (17:49)
The strength, the part of where we identified our strengths and knowing that we were both so different and had very different strengths, but together that made us very much the couple that we started out to be when we got married and were so strong and supportive of one another that kind of got pushed aside over the years. ⁓ And so to see

see those strengths and recognize that that’s all the things that I loved about my husband. And I think one of the one of the one of the coaching calls I had to laugh because you know, one of the things that we brought up was that, you know, the things that really attracted you to your husband and all those wonderful traits at the beginning were the things that drive you crazy.

Belah Rose (18:32)
You’re so funny.

Kay (18:34)
So true. I’m like, yeah, you’re right. I don’t really think about it that way. But all those things that I’m complaining about are the things that I loved about him in 30 years.

Dana (18:44)
I

think that’s so true. And that’s some of the frustration that you’re talking about in the beginning, right? Those are some of the challenges and the frustrations, how you get to flip the script on those. Yeah, so I definitely hear recognizing and learning and recognizing strength as a significant improvement.

in your relationship. Are there other results or improvements that you experienced that you’d like to share?

Kay (19:15)
Well, for sure. mean, I could see week by week my husband’s heart softening as well. I mean, we were very defensive with one another because we just had so many instances where, you know, I was pushing him to do this or that or change or whatever. And he was he was very defensive and then he would push back on me and then I would become defensive. And so it was this dance of, know.

Conflict and then me shutting down and him being hurt and we just you know seemed to be in that circle constantly and I could just see every week as I was progressing and my heart was softening and I was treating him with respect and admiring him that his heart was softening to me and he was You know offering to do things to help with our family or to take stress off of me and whatever the situation was or just

you know, coming home earlier in the day versus, you know, leaving the house early in the morning and coming home late because there was just so much stress in our home at the time. And so it was just really, I had heard that, you know, it could change your spouse, but really seeing it unfold before my eyes week by week was just amazing. And he, he did know, you know, I was going through the program and he would comment to me, like when I would get on my accountability call.

that he appreciated me putting this time in, that he was seeing the fruits of my labor. And so his encouragement along the way was really so helpful. But I didn’t really talk about anything in detail. I just would say thank you. I appreciate your support. Because I really wanted him to feel like I wasn’t just doing homework.

Dana (21:05)
Yeah, I do.

Kay (21:05)
I really wanted to feel like this was genuine changes in me. But he did, he did feel that. But I think the biggest thing was just seeing his heart soften right before my eyes was just so incredible.

Dana (21:19)
So incredible. Wow.

Kay (21:23)
And my children’s too, think them seeing the change in our marriage and noticing the, I mean, the funniest thing I think, you know, the, the, ⁓ charge to not argue, ⁓ from the get go. And I remember looking at that statement going, yeah, that’s going to be difficult. ⁓

Dana (21:43)
challenge for you.

Kay (21:47)
I knew I could do it because I just knew that most of the time when I made comments, I would say something to my husband and I would think, that was really silly. Why did I say that? But I just didn’t have, I wasn’t checking myself and I wasn’t really in a place where, I don’t know, that I even cared because we were both just really, our hearts were so hard at that time. And so now I look back at that, I’m like, blah, from week one, no arguments.

this day. So no arguments. mean, we’ve just found ways to navigate the situations that are touchy for us. Because your hearts are softer, you have more compassion for that other person. And I just feel like we approach things in a much different way, because there’s love where there was hurt.

Dana (22:19)
Hey, look at

Wow. I am curious, have your kids verbalize changes that they’ve seen?

Kay (22:47)
not my daughter a little bit more. She’s a little more perceptive than my son. But yeah, she’s made a few comments and I haven’t really like even really got into any detail with her. I kind of feel like because my husband knew about that this has kind of been a neat thing for us to share together. I think now that my daughter is getting married that there you know, there are some things that Bella has talked about for you know,

people that are getting married and things like that that I would like to share with her. But ⁓ I think I will, you know, determine that that time that’s right for her. Planning a wedding and there she’s got a lot on her plate and this would probably be the last thing.

Dana (23:36)
Last thing, but I love that that you you feel equipped to do so okay to lean into her with some some really ⁓ transformative advice.

Kay (23:48)
These

are just things that I really wish I would have known going into my marriage. would make such a difference. ⁓ I thought it was interesting in one of the coaching calls, you know, Bella had asked like how many people saw on marriage while they were growing up that they were like, my gosh, this is amazing. This is exactly how I want my marriage to look in. Barely anybody raises their hand because you know, everybody has their struggles and frustrations and marriage, but you know, we really growing up don’t

Dana (24:09)
Right.

Kay (24:17)
have those examples. And so ⁓ we all go into marriage with, you know, whatever we saw in our households at which good, bad or otherwise. And so to have these tools from the get go would have been so amazing. And now that my children are, you know, almost married and newly married. ⁓ These are things I really tools that I really want them to have in their marriage to help save some heartache for them that, you know, they don’t need to experience.

Dana (24:45)
Absolutely. Lay a firm foundation. early in marriage. Yeah, that’s incredible. I’d love to hear that. So you mentioned Bella. So I’m curious, Kay, for you, what was it like to be on the calls live with her actually working with her?

Kay (25:03)
I loved it. mean, I was on every coaching call. didn’t miss one. And I listened to every coaching call in the other group and felt like I knew those ladies as well. But I love the fact that, you know, I wasn’t really good about like asking a question every week. ⁓ But many of the ladies were and I learned so much from them as well. You know, I loved how open Bella was and encouraging, but at the same time,

holding us accountable and ⁓ just making us feel, know, we could share anything that was on our heart from very intimate details about our, you know, sex life to just anything that we were concerned about. And she just had such wonderful wisdom and advice to share with us. And ⁓ I’m really gonna miss my coaching also.

Dana (26:00)
Aww, that’s so sweet.

Kay (26:02)
We

looked forward to those.

Dana (26:05)
See you next time.

but gentle and encouraging. Yes, it’s almost a part of the difference in this work, at least personally speaking for what I had experienced prior to finding the coaching model versus ⁓ any other model ⁓ that works for marriages. And there are a lot of great things out there, right? But yeah, Bella has a grace by the Lord for sure. ⁓

so grateful for it. What community that you are a part of, okay? Tell me what was your involvement in that like? Just the women’s community.

Kay (26:45)
as well. Several of the ladies I really connected with, we had some similar situations in our families and I could really ⁓ feel them. I loved that, ⁓ you know, when I came on early in the journey, I had a lot of encouragement from the other ladies and then as I got further along, I felt like I could be the encourager and so that was really a great feeling.

Yeah, it’s just a wonderful community. And I know I’ve heard people say this before, but these are just conversations that are so private and many times difficult to have. And there’s just really not a safe place to go to, to have these types of conversations where you can, you know, bear everything. And, ⁓ so really, I kind of started off a little quiet and then I really opened up towards the middle and end. And I felt like,

I could see that in some of the other ladies too. This is just a very different format than what many or most people are used to. I think the confidentiality and just the ability to share and not be judged ⁓ and know that ⁓ there’s others that are having the similar struggles you are, or sometimes their struggles are so much harder. My mother-in-law always used to say, everybody has their cross. ⁓

you know, we do. And so it was helpful to hear other women with struggles that were beyond what I was struggling with and that they were being so positive and doing the work. And so that was that was very helpful to see that, you know, yeah, I have a situation here, but there’s many others out there who have things that are more challenging and more difficult. And and they’re doing the work and they’re they’re seeing the benefit of that.

Dana (28:34)
Yes, absolutely. ⁓

Kay (28:36)
The

Lord working in them, know, that it’s just, you know, I love the prayer. You know, I really have not been in a lot of groups where we’ve prayed for one another specifically and knowing that I had ladies praying for me on the calls as well as outside the calls if I had something going on and I could post it on Slack and ask for prayers for a certain situation.

or I had a situation with my husband that I was really struggling with and I didn’t know what to do with it and I could get feedback. That was so helpful.

Dana (29:09)
Yes, so incredibly helpful. And I love that you used the word safe. Okay, it’s so just incredibly important when, especially, you when somebody is really ready to look on the inside and look at their own heart and to work on those, you know, some harder pieces than others, doing so in a safe community is really allows

right, allows for you to lean in and really ⁓ kind of make those, learn what you need to learn and make the transitions.

Kay (29:50)
So

that’s so special. Safety is so huge too because I really didn’t feel safe in my marriage at the beginning because I knew if I brought up certain topics or subjects or things that was going to be a catalyst for an argument or a disagreement or what have you and it just wasn’t going to go well. And so I feel a lot of women who enter this program, they don’t have that safety. So being able to go to a group where you feel safe to say what’s on your heart.

And then I think that opens the door later on for you to start addressing those issues in your marriage. But when you don’t feel safe in your marriage, it’s very lonely. And so to have other women that you can at least have as a support system while you’re going through this and praying for change in your marriage, having that safety, it’s a very important aspect of that.

Dana (30:43)
That’s very important. are right. ⁓ praise God. That’s so sweet. It really is. I’m curious, was there a most impactful moment for you within your time in the program?

Kay (31:00)
I think there was a couple. I think it’s my husband ⁓ encouraging me when he would see that there was changes. like I said, I was getting ready to get on an accountability call or a coaching call. And he would just say how much how he was proud of me. But and one day after church, he brought me flowers for no reason and just said, you know, I just want you to know, like, I really appreciate all the work that you’ve been doing. And I really see the fruits of your labor. And then

He asked me, think a couple of weeks before my graduation, he said, know, like what’s the, cause again, I didn’t really go into any detail with him. And he said like, you how much longer does this go on? And, and, know, what, what kind of what’s your path and everything? I said, well, I’m actually graduating in a couple of weeks. So that’s exciting. He goes, well, we need to go celebrate. He said, this has been transformative for our marriage. We need to go celebrate this. And so, so he wanted us to plan. ⁓

a dinner out together and we did and it was just, it was so neat to sit at that meeting compared to, you know, four months before that thinking about what a dinner out together would have looked like and you know, tense and you know, just not comfortable and not really enjoying ourselves just kind of going through the motions and then being at this dinner where it was like, you know, just

playful and laughing and enjoying each other’s company. And so for him to think that it was such a big deal for us that we needed to celebrate it, think that was just, that really was that ⁓ affirming to me that he really did see the change that I was hoping that he would and that I felt. him affirming that really was big.

Dana (32:51)
That’s big, that is big. It is big, okay. Cause remind us again, you’ve been married for how many years? 33 years. And your husband had shared with you that he just didn’t enjoy your relationship anymore. Right. But you in taking ownership and recognizing that there was some work that you needed and wanted to do on your own heart.

Kay (32:58)
33.

Yeah.

Dana (33:16)
was you were consistent, right? You showed up, as you said, you weren’t just on your calls, but you took every opportunity to lean into listening to other calls and the resources that are available for you and ⁓ take the advice of your coach who encouraged you lovingly, but also have you towed the line and leaning into a safe community to being able to really share what’s on your heart and even into the difficult, you know, situations maybe that arise.

You watched your husband’s heart soften. And then you get to your graduation date when he wants to celebrate. It is so incredibly special.

Kay (34:04)
especially when I think back to like, you this wasn’t like a two year process or something. It was literally like what 13 weeks. ⁓ You know, we had a couple breaks in there for some holidays and things like that. I mean, ⁓ yeah, to think in that period of time that you could make that much change in your relationship. And I knew that my husband still loved me and I loved him. It was funny when

Dana (34:08)
Right, exactly,

That’s right.

Kay (34:31)
when we were talking on a call one time, somebody said, ⁓ you know, like, I don’t know if I like my husband. And I never really thought about that. like if somebody would say like, you know, do you love your husband? Of course I love my husband. And they’re like, well, do you like your husband? And then I’m like, well, of course I like my husband. And then you start thinking, well, but the way I’m treating him doesn’t show that I like him. And would I treat another person in my life like that? And they think that I like them.

No. And so, you know, why was I treating him that way? And so those types of things that would come up like were real ⁓ gut checks to be like, Yeah, you’re right. I mean, I’m clearly not treating him like somebody that I like. But you know, I’m here, I’m standing on this hill saying, yeah, well, of course, I love them. But, know, not not portraying it that way, for sure. Right. So yeah, so for him just to feel the love and

feel the like again, the joy of spending time with him, ⁓ what it felt like when we were early married and the joy that we had in our relationship. And I knew he didn’t want to leave the relationship, but I felt like he was really sending me that message of that. If things don’t change, I just don’t know where this is leading.

Dana (35:55)
Exactly, exactly. And then there you are at dinner, playful, and enjoying each other’s company. my goodness. Praise God for every single ounce. You’re right, 33 years. 33 years is a good long time. But to be able to make the shifts that you were able to make, there’s God right in the center of it, softening your heart.

softening your husband’s heart ⁓ all through that process.

Kay (36:29)
That’s why I’m so excited about the graduate program as well, because I really know that I’ve developed habits over the years of being married that ⁓ if I stop today, those are going to creep back in. Bad habits are hard to break. ⁓ Spiritually, doing the things that I’ve been doing, ⁓ doing the work. ⁓

being accountable through my accountability calls, those are all things that I recognize having been through the program that I still need to be a part of because it’s so important. think, you you can see a great deal of change, but it’s easy during stressful times or seasons where things aren’t going well to, you know, fall back into those old habits. And I don’t want that to happen. And so continuing to, you know, put God first,

and then my marriage, my family, it’s something that I need to have constant reminders and be in front of me.

Dana (37:35)
That’s ⁓ right. I love your thoughts there because you’re right, consistency really does make a difference here. ⁓ That’s incredible. Thank you so, so, so much. And thank you for sharing your story with us today. It’s really and truly so special and exciting. This is just like, this is, know, okay, you’ve graduated from the program, but that’s not the end.

I mean, really this is transitioning your marriage from where you were and truly heard and frustrated and just not knowing what to do and being stuck to, I’d say really working your way well into thriving ⁓ for this season in your marriage and beyond. Totally. ⁓ Just so good. So good. I wonder before we finish,

Shortly after you graduated, you and I had a special opportunity to circle back on a call and you had shared something with me that I wonder if you would help speak into the lives of a wife or wives who are listening to this. On that call, you had shared with me, said, you know, older women tend to suffer in silence. And so Kay,

What, if you could, what advice would you give to a wife who’s in that situation?

Kay (39:00)
⁓ I would say it’s never too late. think I was a little embarrassed by the fact that I’d been married this long and had struggled for many years and was just accepting that maybe that’s just the way things were going to be for the rest of our marriage. And so I would say, don’t feel shame in that. It doesn’t matter how many years you’ve been married. You can always work on your relationship. You can always have ⁓ improvement.

⁓ We as individuals are not perfect. And so I would say, you know, it doesn’t matter how many years you’ve been married, you know, there’s, you know, we were married 33 years, but hopefully we have 20 more years left. That’s right. Or more. so yeah, so what do want those years to look like? Do you still want to continue to suffer or do you want to make those maybe the best years of your marriage? And when I look, when I really thought about that hard, I thought, you know,

Dana (39:46)
That’s right.

Kay (39:59)
Wow, how exciting would that be to think our best years are yet to come? I’ve learned so much and ⁓ I would just say, please don’t continue to suffer in silence and reach out, listen to some podcasts. I think those are ways to, again, hear other women speak about their situations and know you’re not alone. Do a clarity call, ⁓ talk about what’s on your heart. It’s very freeing to have someone listen to you and.

explain your hurt and your pain and where you’re at in your marriage. And then, you know, if you feel called to, to, you know, participate in the program, it’s, I don’t think I’ve heard anybody that went through the program that said at the end, ⁓ really wasn’t worth my time. was just a lot of the, you know, stuff that you will, you will change beyond what you, what you could imagine and, ⁓ you know, and do it for yourself.

Dana (40:44)
Get

Kay (40:56)
You know, I really went into it thinking that, you know, hopefully it’ll heal my marriage, but I really did think like this was about me first. And if it healed my marriage, that would be a wonderful byproduct, but I really knew I needed this for myself first. And so do it for yourself. You know, if not for anybody else, do it for yourself.

Dana (41:15)
Wow. Wow, that is so well said, okay. Absolutely. Well, thank you so much for that. Thank you, thank you. Is there anything you’d like to add before we finish? ⁓

Kay (41:27)
No, think, I it’s a wonderful program. wish, like I said, I wish I would have found it sooner, but I think God in His wisdom presents it to us at the right time. And I just had a conversation with a gal in the program today and we both, you know, similarly age and marriage. And she said, you know, it just comes in God’s time. And so ⁓ I’m grateful that it has.

You know, it did come in this time for me and hopefully we will have those 20 plus years ahead of us.

Dana (42:00)
Yes. That’s right. Playful and enjoying each other’s company. Beautiful. Beautiful. Okay. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for your courage and your honesty and your willingness to share your story. May the Lord use it to inspire other women’s, other women, excuse me, to follow that path and to follow his lead in this, just as you said. So grateful. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You are so welcome.

Kay (42:04)
Absolutely.