Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Forty-Five Years Married and Afraid of Retirement: Patty’s Story

Patty had a life most people would admire.

Forty-five years of marriage. Four children. Seven grandkids. Retirement. A kind, steady husband.

From the outside, it looked like she had it all.

But inside?

Patty was scared.

Not because she didn’t love her husband.
They laughed together, they got along.
But underneath the “good,” there was a quiet ache.

A deep disconnection she didn’t know how to fix.

And as retirement began and the rest of life slowed down, and the thought of spending more time with her husband began to feel like a weight in her chest, she realized… she couldn’t keep going like this.

Love Your Husband, Even When You Don’t Like Him

Every few months, things would blow up. Patty and Greg would hit a wall and neither one really understood why. To make it worse, Patty carried deep embarrassment that she hadn’t “figured out” marriage after four and a half decades.

She’d tried to talk to friends. They were in same boat as her. She’d tried Christian counseling and received such troubling advice that Patty believes it would’ve led to separation—maybe even divorce—if she had followed it. Nothing was working. And it brought even more discouragement and hardness around her heart.

So when Greg sent her a few Delight Your Marriage podcast episodes, suffice it to say, she felt “prickly” about it (her words!) They rubbed her the wrong way and she wasn’t ready to hear it.

But God was pursuing her heart.

A Compassionate Clarity Call Felt Like a Breath of Fresh Air

Three months later, in one of those hard “every-few-months” moments, Patty found herself on the Delight Your Marriage website. She clicked on the button for a Clarity Call—not quite knowing why.

What she found on the call wasn’t pressure or judgment.
It was peace and grace.
Someone gently saying, You’re not alone.

No guilt. No shame. Just a safe space to say: “I love my husband… but I don’t always like him. And I don’t want to keep living this way.”

Letting God Change Your Heart

Patty shared with us that she had spent years thinking, “If he would just change, if he would be more tender… then things would change.”

But in the program, a shift started happening. Through practical tools, biblical truth, and the ability to ask anonymous questions, God helped Patty see that healing didn’t start with changing Greg. It started with a softening in her own heart.

And as she changed? Greg did, too.

He noticed her gentleness. He felt her respect. And without her asking, he responded differently.

Patty happily shared with us, “I’m pleasantly surprised. I can feel the way I did when we were first married.” (What a celebration!)

Letting Him Take the Lead

Not long ago, Patty and Greg needed to have a hard conversation with their daughter and son-in-law.

The old Patty would have jumped in. She would’ve taken over and shut down her husband to avoid conflict with the kids.

But this time, she stepped back.

She prayed, she supported him, and she let him lead.

And the result? Peace and connection. For everyone involved.
A moment of unity they never could’ve created in their old patterns.

“I see how God is using even this to change our family legacy,” she shared through tears.

Love in Retirement

At first, Patty wasn’t sure if she belonged in the program. 1) She was older than many of the other wives in her group. 2) She’d never been in a sexless marriage—but she hadn’t fully enjoyed intimacy in a long time either.

But as the program went on, she found something unexpected: Healing, joy, and even desire.

She found herself no longer choosing girls’ shopping trips over time with Greg. She wants to be with him instead. (Yes, really!)

Now, she looks forward to intimacy.

And most importantly?
She’s renewed her intimacy with God.

Because now she sees it clearly: the closeness God wants in marriage is a picture of the closeness God wants with her.

Final Thoughts: It’s Never Too Late for a Change of Heart

Patty says she was afraid to go into retirement with things as they were. But now? She and Greg are about to take a long-awaited trip to Hawaii.

And it’s not just a vacation—it’s a celebration.

A celebration of tenderness restored.
A celebration of intimacy rediscovered.
A celebration of God’s faithfulness to give beauty for ashes—even after 45 years.

So if you feel like it’s too late, rest assured, it is never too late.

No matter how long it’s been—

God can still give you a new heart.
And He delights to do it.

With love,

The Delight Your Marriage Team

PS – Ready to take the next step in renewing your heart and your marriage? We would love to chat with you. Schedule a free Clarity Call with one of our Clarity Advisors, who have all been through the program and have been where you have been. It’s time to take the leap.

PPS – Already familiar with our coaching programs and wish you could bring them to your church? You can! We are launching our In-Person Training program in churches around the country in January 2026. For more information, please visit delightyourmarriage.com/ipt.

PPPS – Here is a quote from (another) recent graduate:
“I initially came into this program excited for the challenge, ready to work, and looking forward to change. What was quickly uncovered was that I was deeply wounded and deep down hated my husband…I wrestled with my flesh through most of the course, but then hit a breakthrough over the last few weeks…I’ve learned to see the blessing of God in the midst of deep struggle and trust him fully as I seek to obey him. [And] God has ignited in me a passion over the past 2 weeks to intentionally pursue my husband sexually, thanks to the Song of Solomon. God is changing my husband! He is listening to me more intentionally and with genuine interest, he’s chipping in to help without asking or complaining, he is speaking words of gratitude to me, he’s being more playful, he seems to be taking the lead more.”

Transcript:

Belah Rose (00:20)
Patty had been married 45 years. She loved her husband. She really did. But what she had never said out loud, maybe not to friends, maybe not even to herself, was that she was actually afraid to retire with

Afraid of the tension that kept resurfacing every few months. Afraid of the heaviness that she carried, but…

couldn’t name, afraid that that next season of life might be more painful than the last. In today’s episode, you’re going to hear the exact moment that fear cracked open, a moment where Patty realized, I don’t just love him, but I can like him again. And the single choice, it wasn’t that big, it wasn’t that dramatic, it was short term, but it transformed a 45 year.

relationship from high school sweethearts to grandparents, and they are living a different life. Let’s get into it.

Dana (01:36)
Hello, Patty.

Patty (01:38)
Hi, Dana. I’m good, thanks.

Dana (01:40)
How are you today?

Good,

good, good, good. I’m super excited that you’re here with me today, Patty. I can’t wait for our audience to hear your story. Thank you so much.

Patty (01:52)
Still no.

Dana (01:54)
Yes, yes, yes. It is still new. It’s but where you’re starting a new chapter, right? Newness all around from where you were before. let’s start off if you’ll Patty, just tell us a little bit about yourself.

Patty (02:10)
Yeah. So my name is Patty. I married my high school sweetheart. we married, we dated for a long time. We dated for seven years through college, ⁓ got married. ⁓ and then we both started jobs and five years later we had our first child. We now have four. ⁓ they’re all married. we have seven grandkids loving it, loving that part of our life. ⁓ and yeah, just, just,

Yeah, that’s right.

Dana (02:41)
That’s fantastic.

Patty (02:43)
Yeah, I worked in several jobs, taught as principal, worked at a college, and then my husband and I both retired basically the end of 24. I mean, the end of 23, beginning of 24.

Dana (02:56)
Gotcha, gotcha, so empty nesters.

Patty (02:59)
Yes, yeah, we’ve been 15 actors for a while because our oldest daughter is 32, but yeah, I mean our youngest is 32.

Dana (03:06)
Okay, excellent. And grandkids. That’s so wonderful. Excellent. I am curious, Patty, for you, how did you find Delight Your Marriage to begin with?

Patty (03:17)
You know, my story’s probably, well, it might be different than other people’s. And that is that, um, my husband is actually very, um, just very involved in, in listening to podcasts and listening to ways our marriage could improve and that kind of thing. And he sent me three podcasts that were all Bellas, I believe, well, at least one of them was, and I listened to it and I,

It was just a hard podcast to listen to. was about, um, you know, just things that, that women could do. And I, I just didn’t have a heart that I wanted to hear. And so I just kind of tuned it out and didn’t really talk to him about it. And then about, I don’t know, three months later, um, we had a conversation about it, but I first heard about Bella through my husband, Greg.

Dana (04:04)
Yep. ⁓

through your husband and he sent you a few podcasts and you are not alone, Patty, in what you heard kind of, you kind of went, ⁓ little prickly.

Patty (04:26)
Yeah, a little prickly.

Dana (04:32)
It’s a good way to put it. I, I hear you and I hear that, ⁓ somewhat often Patty, be honest with you, but, ⁓ you just kind of tucked it away. And then you said about three months later, you guys had a conversation. Was this a conversation that he initiated or did you say, do you circle back on what you had?

Patty (04:54)
I

didn’t circle back and that frustrated him pretty bad. And you know, we have, it’s not like we had a horrible marriage. It’s not like we didn’t get along and didn’t have fun together, but ⁓ there was about every three to six months, we would just be in a really, really hard, difficult place. And this was one of them where he just said, just don’t, now I know what he felt.

I didn’t at the time, but now I know that he didn’t feel respected. He didn’t feel admired and our sexual intimacy wasn’t what it needed to be. So I know that now, but at the time I didn’t, I didn’t understand why we constantly got into this conflict all the time. And he was pretty hurt and he did get pretty hurt at different times. And it was about a, you know, a week to a week and a half. I,

went back to the podcast and when I clicked on, you know, the podcast, the, the, website came up and there was a, you know, clarity call, ⁓ you know, would you like to make a clarity call? Right. And so I did. And that’s kind of where, where it started.

Dana (06:12)
You just did, even though you had first heard it and got prickly. I love that description. But then recognizing that this vicious cycle kept coming up, right? You said every three months or so things got, would get hard, tense, uncomfortable. Along comes a conversation about it. And then you’re like, well, okay, there you are on the podcast and it’s just a button, right? It’s just a button that says schedule a clarity call.

Had you looked into what that was at all before pushing that button?

Patty (06:48)
No, up until that point, no, I kind of read on the website and read some of the testimonials and then I, the clarity call I felt like was very transparent in that there was not, I didn’t have to make a commitment to make the clarity call. And so I, at that point I’m like, I have to do something because I can not figure out

To tell you the truth, was scared to death to go into retirement with Greg. And we were already a year in about, a little more than that. And I’m just like, one of my things that kind of revealed when I was in the program that I really loved my husband, but I didn’t really like him at times. I really didn’t like him at times. And so I was like, I have to change.

I have to do something different. so I took the marriage assessment. There’s an opportunity to take a marriage assessment. And it was pretty low because I was feeling so crummy about our communication and et cetera. And then I made the clarity call.

Dana (08:06)
The clarity call. I love it. yeah, let me ask you about the clarity call. Because as you said, was a no risk thing to do, right? Just schedule the appointment and show up for it, right? So Patty, what was the clarity call like for you?

Patty (08:24)
I remember talking to you and saying, it felt like a breath of fresh air, not necessarily because of any advice I got, but it was the encouragement that I wasn’t alone. It was the encouragement that there were women. I mean, I was really embarrassed for the most part that we’d been married almost 45 years at that point.

And I’m like, I should have this figured out. And yet it was just, it was really like a breath of fresh air that, okay, maybe this could help. You know, not, So it, it, I think that actually was the start of even a healing journey because I, I just felt hope and I wasn’t sure that Greg would.

Dana (09:02)
Incredible. ⁓

Patty (09:20)
I was pretty sure, but I wasn’t 100 % sure that he would jump on board with the commitment that it would take both financially and time.

Dana (09:29)
Yeah. But I’m going to pause you there. When you say jump on board, do you mean that he would also go into the clarity call process for himself or just, just unsure that he would allow, you know, that he would be okay with you doing it or support you through that? ⁓

Patty (09:44)
think that more that or or even to get a response of yeah, we’ll do any good kind of you know, which I that would have that would have been really hard, right? But he’s, yeah, but I was, you know, encouraged me to, to talk to him. Well, I could have done it anonymously. But that’s not the kind of marriage we’ve had, we wouldn’t spend that, you know, we wouldn’t spend a

portion of money without, right. Conversing about it. And so I did it. He was completely supportive and it wasn’t, ⁓ it wasn’t a, yeah, you need to, although we had had those conversations in the past that, you know, I needed to make some changes in order for us to be able to have a marriage we want. he didn’t say that at that time. It was very supportive and said, you know, let’s, let’s.

Dana (10:18)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Patty (10:44)
And I think it was partly to the way I was coached to, you know, I need to make some changes. I need to figure out why I’m not. I mean, I didn’t even know what it was. I didn’t have the language around even what was wrong. I think I, I do have a better language now. So.

Dana (11:03)
Yeah,

for sure. For sure. I’m going to bring you back just a little bit. So in that clarity call process, you said it was like a breath of fresh air. Was it an opportunity for you, Patty, to talk about some things that maybe you hadn’t talked about that you just were kind of silently suffering through?

Patty (11:23)
yeah, who do you talk to about it? Right? Who do you say? You know, not that I ever tried to hide if Greg and I were struggling or whatever, but I’m certainly not going to talk to my kids about it. you know, I, I, don’t want to be fake with them, but I also know that those aren’t the things that I want them to remember about us. ⁓ you know, it’s hard to have those kinds of conversations with girlfriends. Right.

I just, didn’t feel like I had anybody I could really talk to. ⁓ at one kind of low point, many years before I had talked to a girlfriend who I know she struggles in her, her marriage as well. And her response to me was, cause I asked her, said, why don’t you seek counseling? And she said, cause I don’t want to, I don’t think my husband wants to put in the work that we need to put in. And she had pretty much given up.

So I felt like that’s maybe what I would hear. ⁓ And I did try counseling ⁓ probably right before COVID. I think had I listened to the Christian counselor that I went to,

I think we could have ended up either being divorced or separated because of the advice she was giving me. Didn’t feel that at all from the clarity call. I just felt like there’s hope.

Dana (12:48)
That’s all

Yes. And Patty, I stand alongside of you in that. That’s part of my story. And that’s seeing a counselor who ⁓ was a Christian counselor. And I felt I was definitely in the right place. And there were good things. So please don’t hear me when I say that it was all bad. It wasn’t at all. But there was one piece of advice that she gave me that really truly would have tipped the scales to make things even worse.

Praise God I had the discernment to know that that was not the direction I needed to go. about that same time to let your marriage came into my life. So a completely different experience for you in the clarity call process. ⁓

Patty (13:46)
Yeah, to go back to the clarity call, I never felt like even through counseling that I could really share my story. Like I started to share what was going on and she pretty much diagnosed my husband. And this is all the things that are going wrong with your husband. This is all the things he’s doing wrong and never really even heard me. So on a half hour clarity call, I felt like, you you listen that you

gave me hope that, you know, and even said, he can start with you. And I’m like, well, it’s not working starting with him, because that’s where I’ve been going.

Dana (14:30)
I step alongside of you on that too, Yes. I’m so grateful that that was the clarity call. That’s exactly what it’s meant to be, Patty, is a breathing hope into your situation, allowing you to speak your heart in a non-judgmental, empathetic way.

Patty (14:41)
for you.

Dana (14:56)
And I’m just, remember you did a beautiful, beautiful job through that call. And yeah, know, but it’s, you know, it’s a, it’s a safe place. It was exactly what we’re here for. Yeah. Yeah. So we, obviously we invited you into the program, into the delighted wife program you did. You spoke to your husband about it and he gave you the, the thumbs up to, ⁓ to go ahead and.

Patty (15:02)
I was certain, but…

Dana (15:25)
and join the program. Right. So could you just share with me, I’m curious when you had the invitation from us and the yes from him, did you have any hesitations? You did. You did. Well, yeah.

Patty (15:42)
I did. I did because I wasn’t sure I was ready to share my story. I was with one-on-one with somebody I felt safe with. I didn’t know if I was safe to, not that I was safe. I didn’t know if I felt the confidence to share how I got here, how I didn’t know if I was ready to work on myself, right? ⁓

I came into this ⁓ really hurt because I felt like my husband wasn’t treating me the way I wanted him to treat me, that he wasn’t. ⁓ And he’s a good guy. He’s a really good guy and he’s very kind and very sweet. But I was pretty critical.

Dana (16:31)
Come.

Patty (16:33)
You know, looking back on some of the things I’ve learned in the program, I’m like, no wonder he taught the truck. No wonder it’s that way. Um, at the time I didn’t know that. And I didn’t know if I was ready to put in the work and the time. And, you know, we went in, we were going into summer and yeah. So yes, I had hesitations. I like, why, what did I do? If I want to be honest.

Dana (17:00)
Yeah, no, I love it. I love it. And you received that invitation because I believed in you. I really did believe that we could get you to where you want to go. And we talked about that, right? Specifically. a part of that clarity call is what are you longing for in your marriage? I just, yeah, there’s something very, very special about you, Patti, that I just knew that once you were

Patty (17:24)
That’s it.

Dana (17:27)
here and surrounded by this incredible community of women that you were going to do as beautifully as you did in the clarity call process. So let’s go back to ⁓ controlling, That really wanting to change him and he’s not changing and what’s going on? What were the challenges that you felt you brought into the program, Patty?

Patty (17:54)
You know, this is all hindsight, right? Because I can see it now.

Dana (17:58)
Yeah, it is. And you know what? I’m going to pause you there because you’re right. so what I’d like to hear first is what you felt the challenges were prior to knowing what you know now, right? Because yeah, we all have a very different view of ourselves when we come out of the program that we do. Yeah. So let’s rewind. What were the challenges you were facing prior to coming in to the program?

Patty (18:25)
You know, I, I thought that I, mean, I knew I was doing things wrong in our marriage. I certainly wasn’t arrogant that I’m doing everything right. And he’s doing everything wrong. And if he would just change everything, it’d be right. You know, okay. But there was a bit of that. There was a bit of, well, I just don’t feel loved. I don’t feel, even though he, I know he loved me that that wasn’t it. I just didn’t feel.

Yeah, I just didn’t feel like he was doing everything right. And that if he would just treat me differently, our marriage could change. And he would just, you know, even to be really vulnerable, if, if, if he would, you know, be more tender and touch me differently, our intimacy would improve. And yeah, so I think my lens was, um,

Dana (19:17)
Right

Patty (19:25)
Greg needs to change and Greg needs to be different. yeah, so I think that’s kind of the lens I keep in with.

Dana (19:30)
Right.

Yeah. Understood. Understood. And ultimately you, you, you got the courage. You said, okay, I’m going to accept my invitation. My husband supports me. ⁓ and so what was it like being in the program, being coached specifically being coached by Bella? What was that like for you?

Patty (20:02)
Awesome. I mean, really awesome. And yet at times hard, you know, ⁓

Yeah, I, I, there were times I wanted to even ask a question that I’m like, I cannot ask this to everybody. And so I, I did just say, can I ask this of you anonymously? And she wrote back and said, well, I can, I can address it anonymously in the entire group. And she was incredibly professional and incredibly, it was just.

And I was worried that she’d go around and talk to everybody else, to me, and I didn’t have a question. And well, I’m going to ask an anonymous question. Of course, everybody would know that was my question. She didn’t do that. I she made up, she didn’t make it up because she pulled it off my accountability sheet. But she asked a different question that I might want an answer to and then said, and we have an anonymous question. And it was just, it was kind of the turning point for me in our intimacy. ⁓

It was like, oh, okay. And now I think I have the confidence that I certainly could have asked that. And I think it probably would have, but she knew that the question that I had would benefit all the women. So regardless of what was anonymous or not, it would help a lot of women. So, um, yeah, it was just, yeah. I mean, being vulnerable was hard, right?

Dana (21:31)
Was this pretty early on in your program?

Patty (21:37)
It was probably week three or four.

Dana (21:41)
So yes, yes, pretty early on.

Patty (21:43)
Yeah,

no, it was it was pretty early.

Dana (21:46)
Wow. And the coaching that you received from that anonymous question was the turning point.

Patty (21:53)
Yeah, I mean, this, the response that she gave even aligned a little bit with their own marriage. And I’m like, no way, like there’s no way you’re struggling with what I’m struggling with. And it was just this. Yeah. It was just, yeah, it was just huge.

Dana (22:09)
That’s beautiful.

Yeah, so there’s that aspect as well. You’re not alone.

Patty (22:17)
I mean, I think that’s what I, and then to listen to other women and just say, wow, I…

you can get there because I don’t even have it as bad as some of these women are struggling with, right? And so that was just refreshing to be like.

Dana (22:43)
Yeah.

I hear emotion in your voice. Do you mind sharing with us where that emotion is coming from?

Patty (22:57)
Yeah, I’m just overwhelmed because I actually didn’t. It’s hopeful. I thought, you know, because I’ve been to marriage events with Greg in the past, we’ve done vodgans together. And if I can muster the energy, we can get there for a time, right. And I can try and make changes and our marriage can get better. And I kind of

thought maybe that’s where I would go with this, right? That I would have to put some work into this and ⁓ we could be in a different place, but that’s not what happened. I mean, it was just a total heart change for me. And because it was just a total heart change for me, I realized how well Craig does treat me. And I was just not seeing it.

Dana (23:56)
Incredible.

⁓

Patty (23:57)
Yeah, so

because I made changes in the way I treated him and I respected him and he treated me differently. He treated me differently. And, you know, I told you when we came on the call, had 10 years of pretty great marriage. really didn’t fight at all. And he got sick.

with a pretty terminal illness that he should have died from and God healed him. But that same illness resurfaced itself twice, you know, in our marriage and that, yeah, that caused a lot of stress. And I was holding onto a lot of anger that I didn’t even know I was hanging on to. yeah, yeah, that’s where the emotion comes from that I’m just

Dana (24:44)
Stress that’s hard.

Patty (24:56)
I’m just, I guess I’m kind of appalled that we could change. mean, 12 weeks is a long time, but it’s really not a long time.

Dana (25:08)
Not in comparison to 45 years, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Not in comparison. Wow. Patty, praise God.

Patty (25:20)
Yeah, so that’s where the emotion comes from. It’s just like, Wow. And I can see it in other women.

Dana (25:29)
What mean? What do you mean by that? What can you see another one?

Patty (25:32)
We

went out to dinner with some friends maybe a month ago and we’re sitting at dinner and just the way she was talking to her husband and she wasn’t being mean and she wasn’t being negative, but she wasn’t respecting him and she was talking over him and she was saying things for him. And I’m just sitting there going, ⁓ my gosh, that was me. You know, I, and, I, I something, one of my daughters did.

you know, to her husband, I’m like, that’s not respect. So things that I just totally could not even see are like green lights to me.

Dana (26:05)
See you now.

Right. And now you’re an example.

Patty (26:18)
I hope so.

Dana (26:19)
Yeah,

doing your best to take what you’ve learned and apply it and develop consistency. ⁓ And they’ll notice. Yeah, those friends will notice. And so you mentioned that your heart change really paved the way maybe for your husband to act differently, to treat you differently.

Patty (26:52)
He was, I mean, like I said, he’s always been kind to me, but just things he said and ways that he responded to me. And he noticed pretty early on in the program that I was different. And at one point in the program, I decided to just ask him, you know, what is it that you…

Dana (26:58)
Yes.

Patty (27:20)
have seen different. And, you know, he said, you have a willingness to hear, you have a willingness to hear. And not necessarily if he said anything to me, but you know, you’re, have a willingness to, because often in our marriage, she would say, when we were first married, you would never let something go. You would always bring it up and try and get resolution. If we weren’t in a good place. said, it seems like that doesn’t even matter anymore.

And so when he said, you know, when I, he just said, you just, you just seem so much more willing to get us and keep us in the place where we need to be. yeah. Yeah. I mean, I want to stay here. I want to keep going.

Dana (27:57)
Wow.

Patty, you will. Knowing what I know of you, you will continue to grow. that’s also, that’s an exciting piece of this, right? That it’s eternity focused. It’s not just about, okay, I checked those boxes, now I’m good. Right? It’s lifelong growth. I just love it. How special. How would you say this, participating in the program, experiencing the heart change that you experienced so early on?

and seeing shifts within your relationship, how would you say that has impacted your faith, Patty?

Patty (28:47)
Huge, because one of the, and it might be given a piece of the program away, but it comes from such a biblical perspective. And it really showed me, because I had heard numerous times from different people that I had listened to with Greg that, you know, the intimacy that God wants you to desire with your husband and wants you to have with your husband is the,

intimacy that he wants with you. Well, when your intimacy isn’t in place where it needs to be with your husband, it’s hard to wrap your mind around. What does that even mean? That doesn’t feel like a good thing, even though I know it is from God. So why do I, so I just couldn’t wrap my mind around how that meant the, the God wanted it to this me, but me, but when you start.

from biblical place and refocus on seeking God first and seeking God daily, it did reestablish my relationship with God. And I’ve been a Christian for a long time, but just reestablishing ⁓ just an intimacy with Lord. it’s, yeah, it’s, yeah.

Dana (29:53)
Yes.

Yeah.

Patty (30:14)
And I know one of my things I’ve kind of, you know, wanted to think about through the program is just, know God loves me and I know, I’m right where I am, but I know he’s not done with me yet. And so I just can thank him for that. So.

Dana (30:33)
Amen. Amen. that’s beautiful. Truly loving the Lord first.

Patty (30:40)
Yeah, no, there’s no way the program can survive without that. That is just such a biblical focus.

Dana (30:49)
Absolutely. 100%. It’s the focus for every single individual who comes here first and foremost. It is so incredibly important to focus in on the Lord first and foremost. Yeah. That’s so, so beautiful. How about your family? Has this, has the, what you’ve experienced in the program and the results you’ve experienced impacted them as well, Patti?

Patty (31:15)
⁓ people are empty nesters, so we don’t necessarily see them on a, on a daily basis, but I do have their kids a lot. And, yeah, I, I mean, the things I’ve learned in the program on how to, just be a better wife and be a more caring wife certainly can be applied to every relationship in your life. And there was a situation that

my husband and I needed to talk with my daughter and son-in-law. And I know for a fact, and this is gonna be really emotional, that had I handled that situation, how I normally would have handled that situation, I would have shut Greg down and I would not have allowed him to, because I don’t like conflict. I don’t like conflict with our kids. And so I would have just,

Asked him.

I just wouldn’t, not that I can’t allow him to talk, but I just would have shut him down. ⁓

And he would not have led as I know God wanted him to lead. And it turned out as good as it possibly could have turned out because I let him lead and I was supportive and I didn’t tell him what to say and critique him when he said what he said. And I know I would have never acted the way I did without the tools that I learned in this program.

Dana (32:51)
my goodness. Patty, that is incredibly impactful within your marriage because I would only imagine that he came out of that conversation in a different place than he would have.

Patty (33:08)
was

able to talk to him ahead of time and say, I think I would have handled it this way, but I need to be quiet. I I don’t feel like God verbally spoke to me, but I had a sense that if I, as long as I just was going to talking, God was going to be silent. And I’m like, wow.

Dana (33:30)
Thank you.

Wow. ⁓

Patty (33:40)
It wouldn’t have no. Yes, it did. yeah. Huge impact. I hope it hasn’t come up yet because I’m not forcing it, but I hope in the future that my girls will ask me, what’s different with you and dad? You know, what’s different? Because I think if I bring it up and they haven’t seen anything, it’s like, my gosh.

Dana (33:44)
Well done.

Yeah, I think it’s fun to just go along, Patty, and doing exactly what you know the Lord has for you and to experience the joy when that does happen. Because I think it’s pretty safe to say that you all came out of that conversation with a very different ⁓ outcome than what was maybe expected from all of you. And Patty, it’s generational.

So all that time that you get with those sweet grandbabies for them to see you and your husband connected with the Lord in the front, And allowing him to lead joyfully, right? That is generational. They are seeing a beautiful relationship between you and your husband. What a gift.

Patty (34:57)
Yeah, absolutely.

Dana (35:00)
So good.

So, so good. Wow, Patty, I just love it. Absolutely love it.

I’m curious if you could, why do you think, because you said you’d been through some counseling, you’d been through some retreats, some other marriage resources. Why do you think Delay Your Marriage was so different?

Patty (35:25)
Because for me, and I’m sure for most women, but for me, it was so practical. it wasn’t, learn this and apply it to your marriage. was, this is a coaching piece. Here’s how you could implement it in your marriage. And then let’s come back and talk about it. Didn’t work. Didn’t it work? There were times when maybe it didn’t work.

And Bella was able to say, well, did you have this attitude or did, you know? Yeah. So I think it was just practical and daily. And there was one day when I, I almost felt like I.

Dana (36:02)
Yeah.

about.

Patty (36:17)
turned the program off. And at the end of the day, I’m like, wait a minute. I didn’t do the thing. Not that I did anything wrong, but it wasn’t in the front of my mind. And that was pretty early on. And I’m like, they don’t want to go there. Like, I want this to be front in my mind. And I want to implement these, these principles so that they ended 12 weeks. It’s kind of like riding a bike and I roll. Yeah.

And Bella actually said on one call that, ⁓ you only have 12 weeks. If you don’t implement it now, you may never. And they thought, wow, I don’t want be there.

Dana (36:57)
I gotta get on it. I gotta get on it.

Patty (37:00)
It

wasn’t to me specifically, but it was more general.

Dana (37:05)
A very good reminder, right, for everyone on the call.

Patty (37:09)
I mean, and I think that’s the difference to me probably the length of time that I felt heard. That I felt coached. mean, right? This was a coaching relationship. Coached by Bella, coached by the other women on the call and coached by the accountability call. Yeah. So I think it’s just the, the daily, daily.

Dana (37:35)
Right. Habit. Yeah.

Patty (37:37)
front of your mind.

So for me, it worked.

Dana (37:43)
Yes, it did. Yes, did, Patty. it worked. There you go. We’ll fix that. we’ll fix that. It worked, yes, during the 12 weeks of the program, and now it is still working. So there’s my next question for you. What was it like to be a part of the women’s community for you, Patty?

Patty (37:46)
I’m not going to say work.

You for me, I, I, because you put me in a group that was just not going to work. Cause I grandkids and they were over all the time. And I think I would have been in more of the women that were on my coaching call. And I wasn’t, I actually was with a lot of graduates. And so I got on that call and I’m like, Whoa, wow. Like just even some of the things they were saying about intimacy or.

that were like, duh, I’m not there.

Dana (38:35)
A little bit farther forward, a little bit farther ahead maybe.

Patty (38:39)
So encouraging because I felt like I was, you know, cause I feel like I’m one of the older ones in the program, but I, I felt like I was really young compared to just where they’re at in their journey. So it was just, it was pretty refreshing and my economy leader is great. I love her. So yeah, I, that was just really, um, yeah, just a time of growth. And I felt like I really, I mean, not instantly, but I felt like I could share.

Dana (38:58)
Yes. Yes.

Patty (39:09)
and be real. I didn’t have to have, you know, figured out every call and.

Dana (39:16)
Right, exactly. And you have continued on in our graduate program, is that right, Pather? Yeah. Why was that so important for you?

Patty (39:22)
Yeah.

Well, because my prayer, every time you you ask that I can’t be called at, you how can I pray for you? My prayer is that I, I don’t want to stop. I don’t want to go back to where the way I was. I don’t want to go back to not.

Helping my husband be the amazing husband that he is. I don’t want to go back to feeling like, not that I ever felt like I made a mistake. I didn’t, but I knew there was more that we could have in our marriage. I don’t want to go back. And so when I thought about quitting it, I’m not sure. I’m not sure I’m quite ready to not have.

Somebody pray for me that knows more intimacy about me probably than anybody, even my husband.

Dana (40:24)
Right, to have that encouragement and the support, the accountability, right, to develop the consistency that you’re looking for. Yeah, that’s beautiful.

Patty (40:35)
And, you know, there were women on my call that came from even harder places than I did. And yet they really love their husbands and really love their marriages. And ⁓ so that’s encouraging too.

Dana (40:51)
Yes. Yeah, absolutely. Incredibly encouraging. So good. So was there anything that happened within your time in the program that you didn’t necessarily expect, but were blessed by?

Patty (40:55)
Yeah.

Yeah, I mean.

I mean, not that I, we didn’t have a sexless marriage. We did, but I wouldn’t say it was something I fully enjoyed. And so to get to a point where I still have work to do, I’m not arrived, I’m not done. But I read something in the graduate course and I’m like, not generally.

Dana (41:37)
⁓ you’re so courageous, Patty. You are so courageous. Don’t you forget that. Okay, go ahead. ⁓

Patty (41:49)
I think I was just pleasantly surprised that I can feel the way I did when we were first married. And I can feel that I, you know, there were times when Greg would say, you know, you seem like you want to be with the girls more than you want to be with me. And there was probably some truth to that. And now it’s like, no, I don’t want to go shopping with the girls. I want to be with Greg.

And I didn’t feel that. I didn’t feel that. So that was just a really special surprise.

Dana (42:23)
Really special surprise. That is beautiful. ⁓ I just, bet he just eats that up, Patty. That’s so… Yeah. that’s incredible. Anything else you’d like to share, Patty?

Patty (42:31)
I mean, I hope so, I think so.

if I could be an encouragement to women my age. mean, we didn’t get married super young. was, I mean, I was 23. wasn’t like it was right out of college, but, you know, I wish, well, I, I didn’t, I think we were doing what the program taught me probably for 10 or 15 years. So it wasn’t like we had a, we had

Yeah, it was last 30 years of our marriage that just wasn’t what it could be. And so I would just say, settle for what you have right now if it’s not driving you closer to God and not driving you closer to your husband, because it’s not what God wants. I mean, there were times when I said, God, I know you gave us intimacy, but why?

Dana (43:30)
husband.

Patty (43:41)
So if you’re asking that question, I would say.

get the help you need. And for me, I looked other places and really good places. It’s not like I, know, but Bella was just really practical for me and really Bella’s program and just really, yeah, it was, it wasn’t easy. There was some, yes. And there’s still stuff. I mean, I’m excited because I can

Dana (44:11)
courage.

Patty (44:16)
There’s some new programs in the graduate program that I’ll work through. Um, but yeah, I mean, and I would say, you know, if, you do decide to do the program, just jump in, just jump in. And, know, I had one lady on our call who said, you know, I, I, kind of missed the last week and, and I wasn’t seeing the progress that she wanted to see. And I, I think it’s cause.

You know, and she might be in a different place than I was and much more hurt than I was. don’t know, but, ⁓ yeah, jump in and make the changes that God wants you to make. He’ll, I mean, he showed me.

Dana (44:59)
He showed you. That new heart, I stand with you in that as well. ⁓ It is life changing. It’s life transformative. you do, you did it. You did what you were asked to do. ⁓ You leaned in. I love that you brought that into this conversation, that there was a moment there where you felt like you didn’t realize it, but the program kind of shut off.

And then you came to the realization like, hang on a second. haven’t, I haven’t done what, what I’m supposed to do today. What I want to do today for this. And I love that that was another moment of conviction for you to really give it your all because why not? Right. What, what do you have to lose 45 years married and it was good. It was a good marriage, but you said it yourself. It wasn’t great. There could be more.

And now there is.

Patty (45:58)
Yeah. And we’re, we didn’t celebrate. We’d celebrated our 45th, but we’re going to Hawaii in two weeks. And when I got on the clarity call, I said, you said, what, you know, why now? Why now? And I said, cause I want to have a really sweet time. Just celebrating. No, I don’t want to look back at the end of our lives and say, ⁓

was okay or you know I just I’m pretty setting myself up for more heartbreak right because when he’s gone I’ll be really sad or when I’m gone I think he’ll be much more sad than he would have been so yeah just I want to be there I want to be there I want to enjoy that for as long as we can

Dana (46:35)
Aww.

So beautiful. So, so beautiful.

Patty (46:52)
forward

to being away for a couple weeks.

Dana (46:55)
couple weeks in Hawaii. would say that that is going to be a really sweet trip. How do you feel?

Patty (47:03)
than

it was. It’ll be different than it would have been in June.

Dana (47:08)
That’s right. that’s so exciting. ⁓ I really do. And I love your commitment to doing what God is asking you to do to learn what God had for you here. ⁓ Yeah, moving forward. that comes back to the purpose. And that’s eternity.

Patty (47:27)
and then forward.

Dana (47:35)
eternity focus and being able to truly enjoy the time that you have right here right now and not letting another day go by. Well done, Patty. And praise God for every ounce of it. mean, that’s again, that’s who’s in the front. He’s just here. He’s here and we get to experience that right from the clarity call process. So great.

Patty (47:47)
Yeah, no, absolutely. Thanks.

And there were many times when I prayed, Lord, is it this way? I’m not sure I wasn’t in a place where I was able to hear. And when I finally got to a place where I wanted to hear, mean, yeah, it was pretty easy to hear what I needed to hear.

Dana (48:31)
I like to think of that because that was a very similar reaction that the Lord gave me. Not reaction. That was a miracle. Let’s say it like it is. It was a miracle. He changed my heart almost instantaneously within two to three weeks. Patty, it’s very, very similar to you. And so what I love to think about my new heart that I get to carry around with me is that it’s fertile ground. Prior to that change, I understood.

I understood some of the principle that I understood the Bible, it didn’t live in me because it didn’t have a place to land in me and then to be able to react out of. And so that precious heart that is fertile ground is ready for more. And that’s the exciting piece of being right where you are, Patty, is that this, are going to get to experience more as you lean in and you keep your hearts off.

your husband and enjoy two weeks in Hawaii. It’s so good. It’s so good. Patty, thank you so much for being here.

Patty (49:42)
Well, thanks for asking me.

Dana (49:45)
Of course. I knew we would have a good time here, Patty. So sweet. you.

Belah Rose (50:03)
Amazing. Thank you so much, Patty and Dana, for that conversation. So what I want to just encourage you listener is if you have felt scared of retirement or scared of the next season, maybe it’s just the holiday season you’re scared of going into with your spouse. This is the time. mean, precious Patty, she talked about the question that she asked just a few weeks in that changed everything in a intimate relationship that never seemed to be

comfortable or uniting or loving and joyful and all the things that seems like the Bible says it should be. And yet it all can change in such a short window of time, just like Patty. Let me pray for you before we wrap up. Lord Jesus, you know this one and you know their season of life. You know what’s coming down the bend. And Lord, I pray in Jesus’ name that you would give this precious soul hope, encouragement.

Help them to know they’re not alone and yes, things can really change for them. It really can. It really can. ⁓ Patty’s not alone in her transformation, Lord. You heal marriages and families even when only one spouse does the work. So Lord, I pray that you would speak to this particular person. Help them to know if a program is their next step. Lord, whatever their next step is in their marriage, make it clear. In Jesus’ name, amen.

All right, I hope that you were encouraged. Happy Thanksgiving if you are in the States. Otherwise, be grateful for your spouse and what God is doing in your lives.

And if you would like our help, go to delightyourmarriage.com slash cc. We’ll have a free clarity call with you with someone like Dana, who was the one that interviewed precious Patty on this call. Alrighty, God bless you and we’ll talk soon.