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In this episode, I have a former student who is in his 70s and has been married over 45 years.

Not only has he and his wife used some of these interventions themselves, he is also very well-versed in the research behind it.

He nor I am a doctor and this is not meant to be taken as medical advice, but it is worth asking your doctor about these possible solutions.

He also talks about the important health choices their family has made to keep them healthy sexually and vibrant even in their latter years.

Resources:

 

To understand the Framework that I taught he and his wife when they worked with me, go to www.delightyourmarriage.com/framework

 

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transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about delight your marriage. All right, welcome back. This is belah rose. Thanks for joining. So this is part two of my interview with Ben, who is actually a former student, and he has been married 45 years, and has got just fantastic insight, but not just over his marriage, I think the biggest thing that I want to help others to understand is that you can have passion regardless of your age. And he is living proof proof of that. And he’s got a lot of understandings around health and medicine to help you with that. But then also, what does it mean to actually have a life that makes passion? Something that kind of naturally happens even at 40 plus years? If it’s possible for Ben, it’s possible for you so so listen in and, and take notes. He’s got a lot of wisdom to share.

1:27
So that’s interesting. So in terms of when you made this shift, there was a lot of like blood work that came out positively. Did you notice was that impactful? of intimacy, health things as well?

1:41
Yeah. So, you know, my wife really showed interest. And after we started listening to your podcasts, and so what we did was, I got a splitter for our earbuds and we would walk we try to walk in our day, and we would listen to Bella. Oh. And then we also listen to one extraordinary marriage. And, Alicia, we like, the reason why we we listed him some is because we ran out of your right, we ran through your podcasts. That’s okay. You can listen to other people. There’s some really good ones out. Yeah. But I noticed that we were made we’re progressing a little bit, but not a lot. Yeah. And I finally just the light bulb came on one day, and I thought, you know, I don’t need to try to change my wife, I really need to change me. Because I had a hard time being vulnerable with her. And we didn’t communicate. And so I thought, I’m going to call bell. And I called you in then. I’ve told you more than once. I wish I’d had you when I was 20 years old. Our marriage looks a lot different than it does. You know, our did the first 35 years of our lives. Right? Amazing difference in our lives. And my wife, she saw change. And we’ll see. So thankful. I told you before, but thankful for Bella and Annette, are a huge blessing was a bell started coaching my wife. And one of the things that she struggled with in her life was the concept of being thinking that she was a bad girl. He enjoyed sex or rest how much she enjoyed it to me. And she grew up in a very conservative church. And the message that she got was, you know, sex is bad until you’re married. And but I think a lot of times she heard sex is bad, but she didn’t hear until you’re married. Right? Yeah. So she’s, you know, she’s it’s been a real struggle for her. And so, I’ve just learned so much about how to treat her. And I didn’t know, I think I thought women’s wanted what men wanted insects. I didn’t realize that sex was different for women in that you had to set the context. And if you don’t set the context, then you know it’s not going to be enjoyable for the lady. In that context is you got to cherish her and make her feel safe and go slow and to remember to love her and do things for you. And then they, and then they build that trust. And as you teach men they want to, they want to open up to their husband.

5:10
Yeah. Yeah. That’s beautiful. Wonderful in thinking about because I, I think a lot of men and women want to know also like as they get in the older years when things shift after menopause, you would encourage the bio T which is that VI O T? Yeah. Medical calm. Okay, cool. So I’ll have that link. And then what? You mentioned that you guys do walk every day? What other health things do you do that you think has an impact on your intimate life?

5:47
Well, and there’s one other thing that’s come on the horizon, medically, that? I don’t know if you know, I’ve talked about my life. And you may have talked about it. And that’s, it’s called an O shot. Have you heard of that? Or the piece? I have heard about? Yeah, so what they do is the physician in my physician does it, they draw blood, and then they put it in a centrifuge, and they spin it, and they get enriched plasma. And then they inject that into the European is. And so in that enriched plasma, they’re really cells are common SyncML cells, which will, they’ll grow into the cells that they’re injected into. So they’ll go towards them, they’ll make the penis, rejuvenate the nerves and a penis, they’ll rejuvenate muscles in the penis, and so the penis will get larger, and the kidney will be increased. And so and they did the same thing in the clitoris, they’ll actually inject tiny little diabetic needle, and so it doesn’t hurt dynamic first, without inject that into the clitoris. And in the G spot area. And it like, it renews your sexual organs. Oh, my goodness, they’re having some amazing results. So yeah, it’s it’s relatively new most. But some of these doctors that are specializing No, and Bau T are starting to use that as well.

7:33
Well, that is exciting. I definitely didn’t know the details of it. So that is really interesting. Okay, so that’ll be something that people can bring up to their doctors to find out more about and research around. Yeah. Okay. For men or for women? Yes.

7:49
I’ve got a good friend of mine, neighbor, who’s an internal medicine doctor. He’s really into diet. He’s the as a big exerciser. And one day I asked him if he was frustrated, trying to practice more of a preventative type of medicine. He said, Yeah, it’s really tough. Because 90% of the patients that come in, that are sick, say, Hey, I don’t want to, I don’t want to change as give me a pill. And so you know, some of the things that we’re talking about are going to seem strange, they’re going to seem difficult to people. But, you know, the more pills you take, the more they react with each other. And, and their efficacy drops, the more long you take them. And so for me, you know, besides the quality of life is really, really important. So I am just trying to learn as much as I can and do the best I can and realize that science continues to move forward. And next year, we may not be doing, you know what we’re doing this year, but we’re going to just keep trying. And we have a lot of years to make up for. So, and things are better now than they’ve ever been. And so we’re excited. We, we I would encourage people to pray together. We knew that in part of our prayers, we asked God, you know, he’ll help us be the spouse that our spouse needs and sex, know that we have exciting sex and we can help them with their needs. And then I one of the things that you taught me that I think have been really good is we ask each other at the end of the day. Hey, what were three great things that happened to you today. You hear so many so much negativity on television, and in social media, try to think about, you know, good things. And when you do that, it brings you closer together. You know, we’re holding we’re really being vulnerable. And so that just helps your spouse know that you’re on their team and tell her you know, so you know, we’re on a team together, we’re not adversaries, we’re, we’re pulling together. I don’t want to do anything that would, you know, device. So he right, we exercise, we get our her gas checked every three months we get our home every three or four months, great, we’ll get those pellets injected. And, again, he’s really a conservative guy, you can trust him, and he’s smart, and work. Awesome. I love that. They take care of business, I don’t think we’re taking any risks. And so yeah, that’s where that’s where we are.

10:50
Yeah, I love that. Because then your approach is really about a healthy lifestyle, healthy diet, exercise, and really the quality of your life being extended. And at the same time, there’s these very natural things like hormones that, you know, change over time, and having something like bio T bio identical pellets is is a really great option so that

11:24
in 1900, the average life expectancy was, I don’t think it was even 40. It was really low. So, you know, ladies were having babies when they were 15. You know, by the time you’re 30 years old, you’ve lost half of your eggs from your ovaries. And so it’s natural to run out of hormones when you’re 70. Because most seems natural to me, because most most people didn’t live that long. So we’re really, you know, we’re entering a new era. Some people, you know, they want, they don’t want to give up, they don’t want to give in, and they want to try to extend their health. I have a, I have a close friend of mine that just set a world record two years ago. It’ll be two years in August, and he climbed Mount Kilimanjaro and 88 years old. And he’s a vegan. Wow. And he’s a client. 21 22,000 feet.

12:30
88 years old.

12:33
Yeah. And the exercises every day, he climbs mountains, he snow skis. We sometimes we limit ourselves, by the way, we think,

12:44
yeah, that’s right. That’s exactly right. Oh, wonderful. Okay, so then there were a couple things that I think I went a little too fast on asking you about, but I think there were some specific health things that either you’ve read or you understand that I’ve helped you along the way.

13:03
Now, one of the things that I’ve never had thought about was what time do you have sex? And so my wife’s a night person and I’m a morning person. So not tons not great for her and so we started having sex more in the middle of the day or you know, right after work and and then I don’t drink any alcohol before you know we have sex. And then also the, the bigger your life size. The less firm your penis will be, you know, the more dysfunction is occurs. And so I’ve really worked hard at trying to get my wife’s down. So whitewashes together

13:54
pounds, dance you.

13:57
But it’s been, you know, it’s been, that’s probably been the hardest thing for us to do, because we like to, you know, we like to drink wine or dinner. And so we’ve had to, you know, modify our, our lifestyle a little bit, but that’s a good thing. Then another thing that I’ve read recently was another book. It’s called the penis book, and it’s by a urologist. His name’s Aaron Spitz. It’s SPI tz. And it’s a five step plan on how to optimize penis blood flow. Oh, yeah. And he, I’m not sure if he’s still there. But he was in the urology department. I’m not sure. He’s head of the department of UCLA. I think it was UCLA because it was a college metody USC, but anyway, he’s an expert. He said, I’m sorry, listeners. This guy is he really is a big proponent of that.

14:56
Really, that’s fantastic to hear. Yeah. Why? Oh,

15:00
yeah, and I don’t know. And you know, just a fun thing for your audience that might want to do this. I’m not sure if you’ve done it or not, there’s a video out on Netflix called game changers. And it’s amazing film on sports athlete, it’s, and they’re finding that there are these athletes that are embracing the vegan lifestyle, their performance levels are really going up nearly all the professional way. There’s our vegans. A lot of Believe it or not, a lot of boxers, a lot of Olympic athletes are vegans. I had a patient recently win the World Ironman competition, and he’s a, he’s a vegan. And so that would be a fun video, if you’re not going to read when you want to just watch something. There’s also another video called Forks Over Knives that the good that you might want to watch.

15:57
Yeah, I’ve seen I like that one a lot. Yeah. You know,

16:02
about our kids. I’m gonna call man here for a second. But I heard our pastor say when I was young is, as far as he’s concerned, church, I’m getting on some really thin ice now, probably, but church was not an option for his kids. And church was not an option when I was growing up. And it was not an option for our kids. And I wouldn’t change that I’m concerned about, you know, what’s going to happen to these kids, because so many of them are entitled, and I’m worried about how’s that gonna affect them when they get married? If you’re entitled, I think you’re selfish when you’re entitled. And you know, what I’ve, what I know, for now, what I’ve learned from you is to have a successful marriage is we have to learn to serve our spouse, and we have to do things that there are days when I do things for my wife that I probably don’t really want to do. But, you know, I realize that’s not what it’s about. It’s not about what I want. It’s about how I can love my life, and how I can provide her with the needs that she wants. Yeah, so I’m worried about these kids, that they’re never been told no. And how are they going to manage when they you know, when they get married? Yeah, I know, some people are not going to agree with me, but I’m worried about. And I’ve seen it more and more in our practices. Another thing is, most of our friends got a divorce. And one of the real seems like one of the common denominators, they’ll the spouses will lose their focus. And maybe the husband will get really into his job, or maybe job. And then the, you know, the wife, Oh, we didn’t take care of the kids. And it’s like, my wife and I, we intimacy was on the back burner. And only by the grace of God, did we say, Mary? We know, we had some tough times, there were time times in our lives when my wife said, you know, we don’t have time for sex or we don’t for sex very often. So you need to find other ways to take care of your urges. No, and that’s from being me, me being selfish, and not not taking care of her. And so, you know, I’ve learned from you and I’m so grateful. It’s too bad. It took me that long to learn it, but I’m doing my best, you know, to try to make up for a lot of loss.

19:10
Oh, thank you so much. That’s awesome. Well, this has been, this has been fantastic. So what encouragement could you give to a man who hasn’t been able to have passionate intimacy with his wife?

19:29
What’s I don’t give a okay. And I know this is there’s some medical issues that can cause and I don’t know, we’d have to talk about hey, what’s the cause? sure that you and your wife and I get along and maybe you need a coach or do you have a medical issue? Or do you have erectile dysfunction? I I don’t say this to be for every man but I do believe that you can If you’re having erectile dysfunction, and you can get it back, hmm. And I think you can have an erection like you did when you were 25 or 30, you might have to take Viagra to, you know, to help with it. But I think if your practice, if you’ll do your homework, and you’ll practice some of the things that we’ve talked about on this video, you know, that you can, you can take care of that erectile dysfunction. And as far as if you’re having your wife are not getting along, I think do a King Solomon said to do and he said, Seek wise counsel. And that’s what I did, you know, when I purchased those books, and when I called you. And I said, Now, there’s something wrong. And I know that I’m responsible for this marriage. And hopefully, you know, what he eats me? How to be the husband, my wife needs. So I think most problems other than medical problems, I think you can solve them. It’s not going to be overnight. And it’s going to take hard work. But I think it’s definitely worth it.

21:14
Hmm. Well, and the amazing thing about your story is that you worked first, you know, you decided you were the one that needs to do work. And like you said, in advance of her, doing anything, really even being all that interested in the material, you did the work first, which then made her receptive to it. And then I worked with her and you and I continue to work together separately from her

21:44
email, you’ll say, when you push there, you’re gonna push back. So when you love, hopefully, they’re gonna love back. And I felt like, you know, with what I was raised, and I put so much priority on being successful, that I owed it to my wife to the husband, that she deserved. And, and I’ve learned so much about how to be a better person from you that heaven forbid, if anything happened are, I’m still gonna be a better person. What, from what I’ve learned from you. So I’m treat people better now than I did before. Love better. And so I wouldn’t take anything for it for what I’ve, you know, pronoun gotten from you. So thank you. Think about it. You know, there’s a couple of things. If we’ve got time. Yes, I’m going to read this. I just got this from John Gottman. And I don’t know it just really resonated with me. He said, in a dream world, all interactions in a relationship would go smoothly, everyone would turn toward every bid with great enthusiasm, making their partner feel heard and understood. It’s a nice wish, there’s not a realistic expectation of your partner or yourself. Even the masters of relationships studied by John Gottman didn’t get an A plus on their interactions, they turn towards each other over 80% of the time, what is turning over are turning towards each other. What does that really mean? Turning towards each other doesn’t have to be an enthusiastic response to count any kind of a positive acknowledgement of your partner counts. Of course, a negative response is turning against. And that’s the one you want to avoid. No one likes to be ignored, chefs are treated as a nuisance. The good news is that you and your partner are probably turning towards each other’s bids more than you realize. Try to look, try to look for it and give yourself some credit. And I’ve been a perfectionist my whole life and it taught me you know that I don’t have to have a perfect response from my wife. When I need to do something for her. Just a thank you or a look. Or, you know, touching my hand at dinner is like you said it’s a bid. And I need to understand that we all come from fear and intimacy is being vulnerable at your height, that’s probably your maximum height. The vulnerability is you talk about sex with your wife or you know when you make a bed. So, you know, the other thing that I read this week and wrote in my journal, thank you is that Jesus said in Matthew 16 Anyone who intends to Come with me has to let me lead, you’re not in the driver’s seat, I am in receipt, don’t run from Seth are suffering, embrace it, follow me. And I’ll show you how self sacrifice is the way defining yourself and your true self. Know what a great deal marriages because that’s a symbol of our relationship of Jesus, you know, and if we put our wise needs before our selfish desires, in our marriage, sex, it’s gonna be so much better. If we replace our selfishness, and our worldly desires with Jesus, and His will for us, we’ll spend eternity with Him, you know, and what a ideal that is. To spend eternity with Jesus, and live a life of peace and love with your wife. And I think really starts being unselfish. And admitting that, you know, we have false law have gotten on and said, We’re not going to respond 100% every time. And we just need to become aware, you know, contrast is the essence of vision. And so I’ve got the vision, because I’ve had two contrasting marriages. So the best thing that came from the first part of the marriage is makes me appreciate so much more the second

26:32
part. That is so amazing. That’s awesome. Wonderful. Okay. I think that if there’s any other advice, or kind of final encouragement to those that are looking for ageless passion, you’re welcome to share.

26:53
You know, I would definitely pray about it. And the other thing that I did that I think was really important is I apologize to my wife. When, when the light bulb in the bell light bulb finally went on, you know, I apologize to my wife, and tell her, you know, that I was sorry. For that, then. And she was really good about saying, you know, you’re you’ve been an awesome has been, so I think I probably feel worse about, you know, our lack of intimacy than then she did. But, yeah, I think it all starts with prayer. And, and I don’t think it’s possible. Well, I think it’s very difficult to do, we’re talking about if you don’t have the Holy Spirit. I was taught there. I would pray, I would ask God, God, you know, make me into the woman or make me into the man that you want me to be? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

28:00
That’s what this is all about. Yeah, I love it. Well, thank you so much.

28:08
Thanks for the opportunity, the honor, because you’ve had some amazing people, your podcast, I never thought I’d be interviewed by you. So thank you so much.

28:26
Oh, my goodness. And thank you for your story. And for all the information and insight. For those of you listening, I’m going to have that all linked up in the show notes. So you can go to delight your marriage.com and search this episode. And you’ll be able to get all the different books that he mentioned, as well as the different websites so you can have access to that. All right, wonderful. Well, before you go, I would love to also give you a free resource. You can really understand the framework basically what I taught them what I teach Ben and his wife in my programs, and you can get that insight for free at delight your marriage.com/framework and what that is, is really the, the bare bones of what I teach. And I mean that all by itself gives you a almost like a way to understand your spouse to love them the way that they receive love which is different for men and different for women. So I’d love to invite you for that. Awesome we’ll again then thank you, God bless you, to you listening and have a wonderful rest of your day. Love you.

29:39
Bye