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A Fine Marriage, Now an Extraordinary Marriage: Bart’s Story

Bart is a Christian leader. He’s the head of a childcare agency working with traumatized children and teens. He’s been married for nearly 20 years and has four beautiful kids.

And by his own admission?

He was tired. Burned out. Irritable.
Or, in his words—“crusty.”

He wasn’t in crisis. His marriage wasn’t “on the rocks.”
But it wasn’t thriving either.

And Bart knew something had to change.

Christian Leaders Get Tired, Too—But That Doesn’t Mean You Stay There

One Saturday morning, Bart’s wife tried to be playful with him—and he snapped.

He didn’t mean to. He was just worn out, juggling too many roles, feeling the pressure of leadership, family, and ministry. But his wife’s gentle confrontation was a turning point.

She didn’t yell. She didn’t threaten.
She just called it what it was.

And Bart—rather than shutting down—responded with humility and self-reflection.
Not because he had to…
But because he wanted to grow.

Why “Good Enough” Marriage Isn’t the Goal—Even for Ministry Leaders

Bart described his marriage as “a 9 on a bad day.”
No major fights. No betrayals. No one was threatening to leave.

But deep down, he knew something wasn’t right.
The joy was fading.
The connection was inconsistent.
And his presence at home was… thin.

Too many leaders settle for “fine” because there isn’t obvious brokenness. But lack of crisis doesn’t mean abundance of health.

How One Christian Husband Reconnected With His Wife (and Kids)

Bart didn’t just learn new tools—he let God change his posture.

He took a long, hard look at his own heart.
He asked his wife, with full honesty, “Have I made intimacy feel transactional to you?”

She said no. But Bart still made changes.
He apologized for things from 20 years ago.
He went to his kids, one by one, and asked for forgiveness for being emotionally absent.

And the impact?
Laughter returned.
Confidence rose.
Connection was rebuilt—at home, where it matters most.

When You Lead at Work But Struggle at Home

Bart’s job requires emotional intelligence, patience, and deep listening.
He gives that to kids, to employees, to families in crisis.

But when he got home?

He was depleted.
He admits, “I was giving my best to strangers—not to the people who mattered most.”

The CIRQUE listening framework helped him shift.
Not just in knowledge—but in behavior.
He started seeing his wife again. Not as someone who was “doing fine,” but as someone he was called to serve and cherish.

Intention Without Action Won’t Heal a Struggling Marriage

One of the most striking moments in Bart’s story?
The first time he walked around the car to open the door for his wife in years.

She paused.
Surprised.

It had been that long.

But it wasn’t about the door.
It was about intentionality.
About pursuit.
About loving her like the daughter of the King she is.

Christian Leaders: Your Marriage Doesn’t Have to Be Broken to Be Better

Friend, maybe your marriage isn’t “bad.”
Maybe no one knows how empty or tired you feel.
Maybe your congregation thinks everything’s fine.

But you know.

You know you’re not showing up the way you want to.
You know she deserves more.
You know God is calling you deeper.

Marriage Transformation is Possible

Don’t wait for a crisis to choose transformation.
Don’t wait for regret to become your motivation.

Start now.
Invest now.
Lead your home like Jesus—by going first.

With love,

The Delight Your Marriage Team

PS – Are you ready to take the leap? Schedule a free Clarity Call with one of our Clarity Advisors at delightym.com/cc

PPS – Our prices are going up after July 15th! Schedule a free Clarity Call before then to save $500+ on your Coaching program.

PPPS – Here is a quote from (another) recent graduate:
Being in ministry together and having raised 5 children under the pressure-cooker stress of the mission field, much of our life and conversation related only to family, ministry or solving “issues”…[Now,] there have been so many [celebrations] it’s hard to list the biggest! I celebrate the peace in my heart that has allowed me to be non-reactive and non-explosive in some very difficult and high-tension situations…I celebrate the new playful way that we are connecting in the bedroom…I celebrate that my wife is now telling my children that “Dad is different!”

Transcript:

Belah Rose  00:04

All right, Bart. My goodness, I’m so excited to chat.

00:09

Hey, Belah, good to be here. Thank you.

Belah Rose  00:11

Yeah, awesome. So you’ve been graduated maybe a week. It’s recent, that’s right, yeah, awesome. Would you just start out, just introducing yourself, letting us know a little bit about you,

Bart  00:23

sure. Well, I’m I’m Bart. I’ve been married for almost 20 years. We have four my wife and I have four children, ages four, 914, and 16. We live in the southeastern part of the United States. Both of us grew up Christians, kind of born in a pew, so to speak, and have raised our children. Are trying to raise our children very much the same way.

Belah Rose  00:51

That’s awesome. And do you remember how you stumbled upon delight your marriage?

Bart  00:56

So initially, it was through another Christian marriage app that I that I found it, I think Belah, I think you were doing an interview with one of them and and so I was introduced to the your information and resources. Ended up buying your book for my wife. So that’s really, that’s really how I was first introduced to you. Was through another to another source.

Belah Rose  01:27

And did you, how did you decide that you’d want to actually do a program?

Bart  01:34

So I work in in childcare. I work with traumatic children and teens and my wife and my family and I had come out of a pretty stressful few months where we were living in one of the homes with some of our some of our children. It was because of a staffing crisis. And so that was a really stressful period for all of us, and we came out of that, and I was exhausted, just tired from the work, tired from everything, trying to do my job here, where I work, as the head of the agency, but then also filling in my wife, also filling in, trying to be a good dad, trying to be a good husband. And I was doing my wife jokes that two in one, shampoo and conditioner, they don’t do either one well. I was, I was doing three or four different things and doing none of them well. And when we got out, I was just tired, and it was a Saturday morning, and my wife was trying to do be kind of playful with me, and I just got mad and didn’t like it. And she was like, Yeah, this is not okay. I was just a grouch, irritable. So one of the guys in our group used the word crusty, so, you know, and I didn’t feel like I was old enough to be grouchy and irritable and crusty, and I knew something had to change, and so I just, I think I got an email from you that said, try out a clarity call. I said, it’s free. Okay, so I got on the clarity call, and Dana was, I mean, Dana was just great, you know, good questions, really thoughtful, thought provoking questions that just, you know, obviously made me think and and just made me realize, yeah, I need to do something my marriage is, was not in any sort of crisis state or anything, you know, my wife wasn’t like, you know, mad at me or anything like that. She just said, you know, you’re, you’re a butt, and I realized it, and so I knew something needed to change. I wanted to do better for her and for our kids. I’ve always been really, I think, amazed. I think that’s the best way to put it at how far I feel like I’ve come in 20 years of marriage. You know, you know where I was selfishly and where she and I were, you know, just in our relationship, physically, intimately, all that, and where we had been at year one, and now where we are at year 20. And I thought, Man, that’s a lot of improvement, and so I hope to have that much improvement at year 40, but where I was wasn’t gonna, I wasn’t gonna get there, so I knew I needed some help. That was a long way of answering your question. I hope that,

Belah Rose  04:29

no, that’s awesome. No, that’s That’s so good. And you know, kudos to your wife and to you, because first of all, for her to be playful, and then, as you’ve talked about a couple times, she kind of called you out on how she wasn’t thrilled with how you were handling things. But then also for you to take that as you know, you respect your wife, you respect her opinion, and obviously she doesn’t do that often. Otherwise, you know, you wouldn’t have responded that way. So that was pretty amazing that you then. I responded in such a way of self reflection. What? Why is it that? Why is it that that is a very infrequent way of responding? I’m just curious. Why is it that you responded with self reflection rather than continued the crabbiness Right back at her.

Bart 05:23

That’s a great question. I think some of it had to be with timing. I mean, I don’t believe in coincidences, and so, you know, did God send the email from Dana to math? I don’t know, but I don’t think it was a coincidence that that that happened at the timing was right. You know, like what you just said, My wife doesn’t really make a habit of calling me out, and so when she does, probably need to listen. I’ve learned that. So I have learned that in 20 years of marriage that I need to listen to her. So I learned that, and that was just one of those moments where, Okay, I gotta, I gotta do something. So I don’t know. I think guys are just not prone to do that a lot, to be, you know, to self reflect, which I think speaks to, I think what I would emphasize here, because I think in this program, what I’ve seen, I’ve seen marriages that were all all over the spectrum, you know, really good place or really bad place or whatever. And I really felt like coming in. I mean, my marriage is on a bad day as a nine, and I think most days it’s a 10. I mean, my wife is just awesome, and but the issue was, was with with me, and so I felt like for her, and then for our marriage, and then for our children, I needed to do something. And so it wasn’t a situation where, you know, we were our marriage was falling apart, or our family was falling apart. I just, you know, wanted to make sure that we weren’t going to go heading in that correction, I guess. So.

Belah Rose  07:02

Yeah, yeah, that’s just super it’s so wise and it’s really biblical. Is really what it is, is because the Bible is so clear about our priorities, how wisdom and knowledge and gaining insight is so vital. And so when we just rest on our laurels and assume that, well, I’m just going to coast because things are just fine because my wife’s doing all the stuff. I’m just impressed that you decided, No, there’s not a whole lot of suffering, if you will, which is requiring me to make this choice, but you just felt like you needed to for the sake of your wife and your kids, I

Bart  07:41

think so. And one thing I talked to Dana about, one of the questions she asked was, What are you afraid of, which was great, and I had to stop in our call and really think about that and and so that helped. But then also one of the things, and I can’t remember exactly how we got there, but just I was, I was fearful that I was treating sex transactionally. And through the course, I asked that question of my wife. I said, you know, have you? Have you felt this way, like, you know, we go out on a date and I do something nice, and I’m, you know, taking it up a level and opening the door and getting you flowers and all that stuff. And she validated that that was not the case, that I did not make her feel that way. But I did talk to Dana about that, because I think just the day I had the clarity call. I think we had been intimate the night before, and so the next day, I’d gone and gotten her coffee or something, and I thought, am I doing that, you know, to just say thank you, or to expect something, or or, Am I doing it just because I want to do it, just because I love her? I want to express that. And so I really had to think about that, which I guess goes back to the self reflection point, just really, you know, think through, what are my motivations here? And so that’s one thing I feel so much better about after having gone through this, this course. So the first part of confronting fears, you know, what are you afraid of? And then on the the intimacy side, really thinking about, what’s my What’s my motivation here? Yeah, one of the things you said very early on, Belah, that I’ll never forget, as you said, Guys, you said this in one of our calls. You said, guys, your wife knows that you like sex, that you really like it. She knows that you don’t have to tell her, and, and, and that’s been a joke in our marriage. She, you know, she’s like, she’ll ask me, she’ll say, What do you want for your birthday? I’m like, Look, I’m interested in two things, food and sex. That’s it. I’m good. You don’t buy me anything. And so you’re absolutely right when you said that, that that she knows that. But if I had treated it gotten to the point where it was a transaction, man, that’s disrespect. Full and in unhealthy and inappropriate and all those things. I don’t know if that answers the question you’re asking, but it’s just one of those. When it came to the clarity call, if I can think back, and that was back, you know, almost four months ago, those are the two things that really I remember talking about those, those two

Belah Rose  10:25

areas, yeah, that’s really fascinating. I think this self reflection piece is just so important for any of us, men or women, to really think about, as you mentioned, what are our motivations? Are we motivated by love, to give our spouse one thing versus another, or nothing or something, you know what? What is it that we’re motivated by? Is it to receive something in return? And I love that that was a big part of your heart, and wanting to to recognize that, to to get insight and even ask her if she’s felt this way. I thought it was fascinating. And then also the fears, to recognize, what are your fears underneath of it all that’s so good. So being in the in the actual program itself, did, were there any things in particular that strike, that strikes you? Stroke, I don’t know the word strikes you, that, that you felt, yeah,

Bart  11:25

so, yes, plenty the two big ones. You know, I don’t know if you want me to get into specific content stuff here, if you’re okay with that, but you talk a lot about, you know, two things, the short, the shore, apologies, S, H, O, R, E, unfortunately, I forget the acronym exactly, but it was one of those things where, when I did it, she was like, okay, you know, because it was very emotional for me, and it was hard, and it was awkward and all those things. But she was like, you’re okay. And so, man, that was those were really powerful. And I went back years. I mean, like I said, we’ve been married 20 years. And so I went back to some stuff before we were married, where I put, probably put some undue pressure on her to do some things that she didn’t want to do fair and I’ve thought about that many times since then, and never really took the time to apologize for and so I did, and that helped. So the apologies were a big deal, apologizing for being grouchy and irritable and all that stuff. And her one request was, please go talk to the children about that. And so I did. I didn’t individually, and that helped. Wow. And then the lit, yeah, it was super cool. And our nine year old was like, she was like, what? I noticed that? What? What? You know that she’s, she’s third child, and she’s a she’s a hippie, basically, you know, whatever. She’s her own free she’s a free spirit. I mean by that, the other thing too, I think the the listening part, and I know I’ve talked to you about about this, because in my in my work, I have, I do a lot of it, listening to employees and kids and and all that. And I’m really good at it at work, really good when I get home, not so much. And that wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair to my kids. It wasn’t fair to her. And so it does the Cirque this, C, I, R, Q, E, was, was so impactful because I didn’t know what. I didn’t know. I didn’t know I was doing. In this case, I didn’t know I wasn’t doing that. And it, it made me stop. And, you know, be physically present, put the phone down, look at her. And I’ve seen some changes in confidence in her because of that, I think. And then, and then again, with the kids just listening to them, you know, the four year old and you know, he’s tugging on my jeans. I’m like, you gotta go away, dude. No, that’s not okay. I’m not okay. I’m not saying I’m perfect. Now I’m not like, you know, great, but it did shine a light on an area that needed, needed some attention, and that helped, for sure.

Belah Rose  14:30

That’s fantastic. That’s awesome. And then what, what would you say in terms of, you know, the format, maybe the the way that it’s structured, was there benefits to to that, would you say?

Bart  14:47

So what the way for me, I did the Monday morning accountability call, and then the Thursday afternoon and I really liked that, because it gave some time. And then Monday morning was. Good for me, because you could kind of review the weekend. So the weekends were tough for me, just because I like routine and I like structure, and then the weekends are just kind of like but then on on Mondays, I could come back and I could say, Okay, this is where we were. This is how I did over the weekend. And I think, I think the guys just a good way to start the week. And then by the time we got to Thursday, I’d had several days to work on what the modules or what the material was for each for each one. So I like that structure. So, you know, I know you have other calls other days, but having that kind of Monday, Thursday routine helped. The one thing that I struggled, and this is just the HAP you know, just happened to be the way it was, was some of our stuff fell on during the holidays. So with Christmas and New Year’s being on Monday, we missed the calls, and then Thanksgiving was a Thursday and things like that. But that that’s not anybody’s fault, it’s just the way the calendar fell. And so I kind of got out of a routine, but then being able to make those weeks up later, that worked out. That worked out well. So,

Belah Rose  16:10

yeah, no, that makes sense. Yeah. Well, I love that. Um, so if somebody is is looking into the program, who maybe has a good marriage, but kind of like you, they’re they’re just not sure they’re showing up to their marriage the way they want to be. What would you maybe? What kind of advice would you give him?

Bart  16:34

I think I would say none of us are perfect, and you get into a rut. I think you know, 20 years this, it’s a long time. And I think, I think what I would say is your wife deserves better than whatever it is you’re doing, if you’re grouchy, if you’re if you’re crusty if you’ve gotten into a rut, like with with date nights, for example, you know you call them delights, planning them, opening the door for her. When I reached, when I walked next to the car for the first time to open the door for her. She just kind of looked at me like, that’s okay. I mean, it was because I hadn’t done it in however long. Of course, I did it when we were dating, you know, but I just hadn’t done it in so long. But she deserves better. She’s Bell. You said this 50 times. She’s a daughter of the king. She’s daughter of God. I mean, she deserves to have a stinking door open for she deserves a rose before a date. She deserves a foot massage, she deserves all these things. My wife wouldn’t say that she hates that word deserves, but I would, you know, respectfully disagree with her that she does. And so I think I would say, let’s say your marriage was, is a nine or a 10 out of 10 or whatever, you’re missing something, man, somewhere along the lines, you’re missing something and, and it could be, it could be so much better. And I don’t mean just sex, even though, yeah, I mean absolutely. But I’ll never forget one of the second or third date nights we went on in the program. I still have this image in my head of us sitting and eating, and her just, you know, rocking back in our chair laughing, because she was just, we were just really enjoying being together, and that’s priceless. That’s super cool. And so again, our mirror, you know, our marriage was great, still is, but there are some blind spots, and it could be better.

Belah Rose  18:58

That’s so cool. That’s so cool. Bart, um, awesome. Well, if, if there’s any, any hesitations that you had maybe coming into the program ahead of time, and were those things alleviated, just for somebody who might be having some, some reservations about some things,

Bart  19:20

the the time commitment, and it’s legit, but it’s okay, you know, I didn’t, you know, stress out and go nuts over it. You just need to set aside the time. Just know that you want to be present for those, those accountability calls. You want to give an hour or a little bit more, I guess in some cases, for the for the coaching calls, it’s a time commitment, but anything worth doing is so that that was blocking out time from for me was a concern. How am I going to do this? I. Um, but I did it. You just it was important enough to me, which is why Dana, how many times does Dana ask, Are you sure you’re committed? Take that, take that seriously, because it is. But anything worth doing is and it’s worth it. It’s worth it.

Belah Rose  20:19

And did you see any of the other guys have changes in there?

Bart 20:24

Absolutely. So there was a guy that we started at the same time, and when he finished, it was, I don’t know, night and day, maybe an overstatement, but definitely, definitely some so a lot of growth, a lot of change. And that was hard, because he and I messaged each other outside of outside of the calls, and he would say stuff like, Man, I’m so glad so encouraged by you and your marriage. And I just felt bad because his marriage, you know, mine was a nine or 10 or whatever, and his wasn’t. But he learned and listen. And then we were just there to kind of pray for each other and share things, and then others there, you know, couple of couple of guys, one in particular that clearly had some issues, and you were pretty firm with that particular person. And it helped. He didn’t go and stick his tail between his legs. Well, maybe he did, but not for very long. But he took it well, because he knew where you were coming from, the place where you were coming from. So yes, saw that absolutely, absolutely saw that.

Belah Rose  21:39

That’s awesome. That is so cool. Well, yeah, would you be willing any final things that I maybe should have asked that you wanted to make sure you mentioned in terms of advice or encouragement,

Bart  21:55

just the time it is, it is time commitment. But again, it’s worth it, and your marriage is worth it, your kids are worth it. You will not regret doing this. I just, yeah, I mean, that’s the thing. You won’t you won’t regret it. If it does take a little bit of extra time out of your day, it’s worth it, it’s worth it, it’ll it’ll pay dividends. How about that?

Belah Rose  22:23

That’s so cool, so cool. Well, would you be willing to pray for somebody who, yeah, maybe, maybe that’s really the ticket. Is They? They? They see themselves in some of that, those comments that you mentioned, the the crusty, the grouchy, the Yeah, kind of just with a chip on the shoulder, not really, not really suffering, but seeing that there really is some opportunity for them to self reflect and and make some changes.

Bart  22:55

Sure, absolutely, Father, I do pray over whoever’s hearing his words, and God, I know there’s someone out there who has struggled the way that I’ve struggled to to find joy in the daily to find joy in a simple conversation with my wife or my children, or to take the time to actually listen to them, to show gratitude, to live in gratitude for them. I know there’s somebody that’s struggling, and maybe it’s someone listening to my words right now, and so Father, I pray for him that he’ll give it a shot. He’ll take seriously the the commitment that that this may be, that the time commitment and financial commitment, but also know that it’s that it’s worth it, and that his marriage is worth it, and his wife is worth it, and his kids and his family, it’s all it’s all worth it, and it and it will help. Father, you can speak through this. You clearly spoken through Belah and Dana and their team. And it’s really, really good stuff, father and so I just pray for whoever might be listening, that that she’ll make the path available, make the time available for him to do What? What? Really, he knows needs to be done, but certainly what, what needs to be done for the what’s best for his family, for his marriage, Father, please, please be with with him, and please bless him and his journey. Thank you for the the the gift father and thank you, Father, the gift of this course is what I mean. And Father, thank You for Jesus and who we pray. Amen.

Belah Rose  24:49

Amen. Amen. Thank you, sir. This was awesome, really awesome. Wonderful.