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How Daily Habits Transformed His 36-Year Marriage: Harvey’s Story

Marriage is holy work.

Maybe you’re reading this today because you’re hoping your marriage will change. Maybe you’re reading this because you’ve prayed, “Lord, please help my marriage,” when really you mean “Lord, please help my spouse!”

I hope this blog and episode will make you feel both comforted and inspired — that you’ll be reminded your marriage can change, not by grand gestures or perfect communication, but by small, faithful, daily habits of love.

This is what Harvey discovered as well. That it wasn’t grand gestures or big sweeping shifts that changed his marriage, but small, daily, consistent habits that brought it God’s love, peace, and patience into his marriage.

Changing Your Priorities: When Hard Work is Leading to Disconnect

Harvey and his wife have been married nearly 37 years. Together, they raised four kids and built a life on their dairy farm. For decades, he worked two full-time jobs—teaching high school by day and farming by night.

He says, “Every day was between 12 to 16 hours. My wife was incredibly supportive, but I just wasn’t there emotionally.”

Maybe you can relate. Life’s responsibilities pile up, and before you know it, years have passed. You’re functioning—but not really connecting.

Despite his faith and commitment, Harvey admits that emotional and spiritual intimacy were missing. He wanted closeness, but didn’t know how to get there.

A Different Kind of Prayer—and a Different Kind of Growth

After retiring from teaching, Harvey finally had space to seek help. He’d been listening to our podcast for years and decided it was time to join Masculinity Reclaimed, our men’s program.

The first surprise? It wasn’t about changing his wife!

It was about learning to love her the way Christ loves the Church.

He started with one habit: daily time with God. Reading Scripture. Praying. Reflecting. And eventually, he began praying with his wife in the mornings—a completely new rhythm in their 36 years together.

That quiet time, over coffee and prayer, became a beautiful and cherished time for emotional connection.

The Turning Point: Accepting Your Wife as She Is

Halfway through the program, Harvey realized that for years, he had been looking at his wife through the lens of what she wasn’t.

She wasn’t this, she wasn’t that…

But when he stopped trying to change her and started accepting her for who she is, the woman he fell in love with, the woman she had always been, rather than who he hoped she might someday become–everything began to shift.

That acceptance made her feel safe. Seen. Loved.

And when a woman feels safe, her heart opens. His wife began to blossom before his very eyes and the connection Harvey had longed for finally began to grow.

The Helpful Habits That Build a Marriage

Here’s the truth: marriage is a system of habits.

Paul says, if you’re married, you will have trouble. (1 Corinthians 7:28)
You’ll have to think about how to please your spouse. (1 Corinthians 7:34)

Are you in the habit of thinking about your spouse?
Are you in the habit of considering them and putting them first?
Are you in the habit of encouraging, loving, praying, and serving them?

It’s not always easy work — but it is good work.

Every word, every look, every morning prayer can help build connection.

That’s why transformation doesn’t happen overnight.
It happens in the daily choices.

Final Thoughts

Friends, you don’t have to wait to start changing your marriage. Harvey shared with us, “I wish I had learned these things earlier in my marriage.” We want that for you as well!

You don’t have to wait to retire or for your kids to be out of the house. You don’t have to wait to be a certain age or have been married a certain number of years. You can start investing in your marriage now, today, to say that the next 20, 30, 40, 50, 60 years of marriage were incredible.

That is what we want for you. And we know, that no matter where your marriage is at right now, it can change. Just ask Harvey.

We are rooting for you and we know that we serve a God who makes all things new– and that includes marriages.

 

God bless you!

 

With love,

The Delight Your Marriage Team

 

PS – If you’re ready to take the next step and get into a community that knows what it’s like and are doing the hard work themselves– we’d love to chat with you. Click here to schedule a free Clarity Call with one of our Clarity Call Advisors and take the next step in healing your marriage.

PPS – Are you a fan of this work and wish more people knew about it? We are launching an In-Person Training program this January and we would love to come to your church, workplace, community group, or wherever you gather! For more information, visit our In-Person Training page.

PPPS – Here is what another recent grad had to say about our program:
“I’ve become more contented and patient and focused on [my wife’s] needs and a better listener I think. She says our home has less tension since I’ve been doing the program. I take that as a win!”

 

Transcript:

Belah Rose  00:01

Belah, welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me, Belah rose, as I dive deep into the beauty power and truths about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. Delight your marriage. Hi there. Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. What a joy it is to speak with you today. My hope is that this conversation will inspire you. It’ll inspire you to do the daily work of being a spouse. The Bible says, literally, Paul says, if you get married, you’ll have trouble, because you’re going to have to worry about the things of your spouse, pleasing your spouse. And so Paul is essentially saying, if you can help it, don’t get married, because you’re going to have to be thinking about pleasing your spouse. But guess what? I got married. You may have gotten married. And so what does it look like to be a person that pleases their spouse and make sure that on a daily we’re doing what our spouse needs to feel filled up in their marriage. You know, what I often tell my clients is not to pray for your marriage, not to talk about honey. We need to work on our marriage, not to do those things, not to pray for your marriage in front of your spouse. Certainly, because the truth of the matter is, when I say, Oh, my marriage is terrible, what it really means is my husband treats me badly. If I’m praying, Lord help my marriage, I’m saying, Lord help my husband, right? And so I just encourage you to pray for your husband or pray for your wife. Pray for who she is. Pray for the way God is is drawing her to Himself. Pray for her heart. Pray for her blessing on her life. Pray for favor play. Pray that God’s love would become so evident to her that she would feel His presence. Pray for her character. Pray. Pray that He becomes who God wants him to become in every aspect of his life. Thank God that he’s made her these ways. Thank God that he’s made him these ways. Pray for who they actually are. Don’t pray, Oh, Lord, please let her treat me better. Lord, please let him treat me better. Because what that does is it causes you to focus only on the bad, and instead focus on who this person is. And when you start looking at the good in them, you start treating them better. And Harvey’s going to tell you today that he began to accept his wife as she is, and she started to blossom as a result of how he treated her, but it started from the perspective he had of her, which must change. And the interesting thing about marriage is we all do marriage. Marriage is not stagnant. You don’t just get married and done. There’s there’s nothing that happens as a result. No, it’s a daily life. Marriage is really and truly. Boil it down to habits. When you speak to your spouse, what do you say? What are your typical phrases that go back and forth? Do you smile at them when they walk through the room? Are you consistently critical about how they did or didn’t do certain things? Marriage is a system of habits, and so that’s why, in the work that we do, we focus so much on habits. Here’s how you do marriage well. And so that’s what Harvey talks about, how marriage was before, and then how he implemented specific things that encouraged his marriage to transform, even after 36 years, which is such a blessing and so Powerful. So let’s get into his story.

Dana  04:01

Hello, Harvey. How are you today, sir. I’m doing well, excellent. I am so glad to hear that, and I am equally glad to be here with you today, Harvey, to hear your story. I’m excited to kind of go back to the beginning of your time before delight your marriage and then just hear how things went for you as a student of masculinity reclaimed. Does that sound good? Yeah, all right, let’s go for it. Harvey, I love it. So to get started, would you please tell us a little bit about yourself?

Speaker 1  04:38

Yeah, I’m been married to my wife for 36 years, a couple months here will be 37 years, and we have four grown children. The youngest is working with me. We own and operate a dairy farm and our. Wife worked with the dairy farm as well, and she also has a part time job off the farm for 28 years. Through our marriage, I taught high school, and so basically I had two jobs, worked on the farm, went to school, came home, worked on the farm. So every day was between 12 to 16 hours a day. It was very typical, and that did have effect on a marriage, which I’ll probably be getting to but so then, as years went by, of course, life goes on. And I retired from teaching three years ago, so now I’m just farming, and I also encountered some health problems, and that all had a impact on the cycle, yeah, my life, you know, and so that all comes into play with your relationship in life.

Dana  06:07

And so, absolutely, wow, that’s brought us

06:11

to where I am today. Okay,

Dana  06:13

excellent. Thank you for that and dairy farming. Although I’m not directly involved, I have many friends who are. That’s a lot of work, Harvey, that’s sun up to sundown and beyond, right?

06:26

Yeah, anytime you you have to take time not to work. That’s basically

Dana  06:33

the way it is. That’s a good way to put it understood. All right, sir. Well, I’m curious if you remember, Harvey, how did you find delight your marriage to begin with?

Speaker 1  06:44

Well, we could probably go back lose track of time five to eight years ago. Oh, my goodness. You know, I was always thought that my marriage could be more than it was, and so I was searching online of help, if you will, to help me consider what to do to make my marriage better. And started listening to podcasts, and I ultimately found your marriage and started listening to it faithfully. I’m going to say it’s probably the year or two before I retired from teaching. I was going to join the program and give it a try, but I was obviously so busy with working that I didn’t know, I decided I really couldn’t fulfill responsibilities of the program, and so I put it off. And now that I’ve retired from the teaching and just at the farming, I decided I could actually go through with the commitment. And so ultimately, I’ve always through that wanted to make my marriage better, and I was looking at other options too, or taking the counseling and the delay your marriage actually looked like it by desires best.

Dana  08:25

That’s interesting. I’m curious how. What do you mean by that Harvey, that delight your marriage fit your desires best versus other options?

Speaker 1  08:37

Well, the Christian side of the program was very important and very influential to me. The support group with the men’s group and the accountability program was very appealing to me. I’ve always wanted to join a men’s group, if you will, yes, but I was always too busy for that, and so that was very big draw to it. And so I guess it just drew me to the program. I thought it was the best tailored for me.

Dana  09:19

I love it. I love it. Thank you so much for helping me understand that for sure. And so you pulled the trigger, Harvey, and you came into the clarity call process with me. And so I’m curious, what was that process like for you?

Speaker 1  09:37

Well, you explained the program, which I guess I pretty much kind of understood prior to that. But when you’re really getting down to asking if I could make the commitment of the program was really committed in proving my marriage and I. I was, and I am a person that wants to make a commitment. Boy, I stick to it. And I was little apprehensive and leery about actually being able to fulfill it with time constraints and things like that. But it ended up I was able to work it out very well. So it turned out,

Dana  10:21

well, yeah, so you made time for it.

Speaker 1  10:25

You have to make time. You have to make time for it. Yes, it’s a choice, and it is like I was talking about with my wife and work. It’s like you have to choose what you want to do with your time. And unfortunately, earlier in my marriage, I did not put the time towards my marriage that I should have, and now I’ve learned that I have to make the time I’m married. And likewise with the program, I’ve made that commitment so I made the time. Yes,

Dana  10:59

sir. Okay, excellent. So I wonder if you would Harvey just describe for for us briefly. How, how would you describe your marriage overall, prior to coming into masculinity reclaimed?

Speaker 1  11:15

Well, going back early in our marriage, obviously working two jobs like I did, I was not really there for my wife, but she was extremely understanding and supportive in what I did, and she knows I love what I did, but when we’re working on the farm, we can be together, but Still we never had the emotional connection that I desired, and as years went by, that was probably one of the biggest thing that we struggled with, was commitments. And you know, she always said I had to be more emotionally committed to her, for her to become sexually committed to me, and I could never seem to find that emotional commitment she was looking for. And whatever I tried just kind of turned into an argument. And so therefore we suffered sexually as well, and I knew that there was a answer to it, but I didn’t know how to get to it myself. That’s one of the reasons to why I joined the program. So I knew that I was exceptionally busy and didn’t have the time with her, but yet, you know, we had time, but it wasn’t the time that brought that emotional connectedness that we needed.

Dana  12:56

Wow, so you knew you needed to connect in that way, but you just didn’t know. How did I hear you correctly? Wow,

Speaker 1  13:07

that’s exactly right. And she tried to tell me, she she couldn’t explain it either. I said, Well, what do I have to do? How can I do that? Well, she, she said, I don’t know. You know. And she did allude to the fact that I could be more of a spiritual leader, okay, and that ended up being huge, but okay, I didn’t really know how to how to do that as well,

Dana  13:37

right, right. Wow. So Harvey, how did participating in masculinity reclaimed help you overcome these challenges of emotional disconnect, and sounds like even spiritual disconnect as well?

Speaker 1  13:54

Yeah, and well, the every week of the program would focus on a different area, and a lot of it is focusing on myself, which, of course, is I knew was Probably a huge part of the problem. And so I’d work on whatever the subject was that particular week. And little by little, things started coming together. And I know that spiritually, for me, you know, big part of the program is morning time, reading the Bible and praying. And I, I was able to start doing that, which I never did before. And I. It slowly started to change me. And I think just the time to pray and think through daily situations started affecting me, if you will, so and then as time went on with that and praying and that it came to the point of praying with my wife, and that’s something I never did. And my wife would always say, we need to pray together. And yeah, we prayed before meals and that. But it was a different kind of prayer and praying, if you will. And so we kind of gotten it, really is about four times a week because of my work schedule where some mornings have to get up early to milk, but other days I had a little more time, so I get up, I and spend my personal time, and then she’d get up, and we end up sitting talking over coffee for half hour to an hour. And that got to be very, very important. And and then I started, we started praying in the morning. And that was also, you know, a week of talking about leadership and being spiritual leader. And I think think I was starting to become more of a spiritual leader, and I know that my wife was finding that more attractive, and I do think that had was huge, and bringing that emotional connectedness together that I’ve always been looking for. Wow, wow. I never was taking the actions of doing that, right?

Dana  16:51

That’s, I think, yeah, that’s, I think what I’m hearing Harvey, is that prior to Mr. And learning the daily habits that you could implement prior to that, you didn’t necessarily have a morning spiritual routine, and so you learned what to do and how to do it, and you committed to it. I think that’s that’s very important to recognize here, you committed to implementing those habits. I love what you said. It slowly started to change you. And then, fast forward a little bit more that that became more of a spiritual leadership role for you and and the huge glimmer and improvement that I see as a result of that, Harvey, is that your wife really found that to be attractive, which began the to bridge the gap then into emotional intimacy. Did do I have that right? Yes, yeah. Oh, Harvey, praise God,

Speaker 1  17:54

you know. And then some other things that kind of transpired through the program. I I began to look at my wife a little

Dana  18:05

differently. How so

Speaker 1  18:09

I think through most of our married life, I was looking at her as

Speaker 1  18:19

well. I know I look at a lot of her as what she wasn’t and what she is, and with that, I mean that I wish that she’d be different in different ways, and I think that that was I had resentment because of some of those things. And of course, all that is kind of hit hidden, but it’s perceived. And I know in the program into my men’s group, we always talk about how perceptive women are, especially our wives. And I think she could perceive that, and therefore she kind of felt a little, I don’t know, self conscious, probably the best word about it of not being who I wanted her to be. And I think I looked at a lot of things as being the word kind of came up in the program, and it’s really stuck to me, and that is transactional, where a lot of things would be transacted, where I would do these things for her, and I would want things in return, which would be, you know that transactional concept, yes. And of course, that creates resentment from her towards me, yes. So we had some resentment going both directions. And I would say it was probably halfway through the program, week six. Kind of sticks in my mind. Where I came to that realization, and I started to accept her as she is, and it’s like, yeah, for 36 years, we’ve been so many things that I wish she was or did that she never did. And it’s not like she’s not going to change, that’s not going to happen, that’s not who she is, right? And it’s like I came to the acceptance of accepting that that’s the stuff we did, right, and it’s not going to change. And so therefore, I think that, then therefore, kind of changes the dynamics in our relationship and communication, yes, sir, and it started creating more safety, you know, that she felt from me. She wasn’t feeling threatened, or then she’d have to do things to repay me transactionally. And that slowly, then starts to ease up any pressures.

Dana  21:17

Wow, if you will, yes.

Speaker 1  21:21

So that then kind of changes our Dynamics and relationship and makes things a little bit better. So yes, sir,

Dana  21:31

this is a I think you use the word cycle early on in this conversation here with me, Harvey, that this is a completely different cycle than what you were in previously, and I can hear through what you’re sharing and your realizations and shifts in habits and then thought patterns really opened the door for your wife to lean in, is that safe to say?

Speaker 1  22:05

Yes, I would say, so, you know. But one of the things that happens, you know, the program, is 12 weeks, there’s so much in there, yeah, that there’s no way that a person can succeed at all these tools that are given to us, but it helped me become aware of things to do and what to do and how to do things that exactly it’s going to be forever tasked to utilize tools, knowledge and what’s presented to us and and I’ve lived my whole life with the attitude that I’ve had so it’s, it’s a paradigm shift, and you can’t just shift it in 12 weeks, right? But yet, yet, it shows you, I have learned that the little shift and continuing it, keep working on it will hopefully continue and help create those emotional connections. Yes, I’ve always wanted that we both wanted.

Dana  23:14

Yes, sir, and I think the in what you’ve shared so far, you are you’re well on your way to them, Harvey, these, these shifts that you’ve made are are significant. And beginning with those spiritual habits in the morning, I think you’ve, in my opinion, if I may, Harvey, I think you’ve developed really beautiful consistency here. And what I’m smiling so, so, so brightly about on this side of this call is, is that this isn’t a continued opportunity for growth.

Speaker 1  23:50

It’s going to be a continued growth process for the next 36 years. Yes,

Dana  23:57

sir, yes, sir. And praise God for that praise God that we get to grow in the way that that fosters deeper relationships, especially that most important relationship with that number one human on this planet, right? Harvey. Oh, that’s just so beautiful. I love it. Harvey, would you help me understand you had said earlier that there were two aspects of the delight your marriage program that were attractive to you. One was the the Christian aspect, and then the other was the men’s group option. What? What was your experience in the masculinity reclaimed community?

Speaker 1  24:35

Well, there my accountability group, just basically seven of us, and we’re all very, very open and very, very consistent in attending, and it’s become a very close group. You know? It’s kind of sad that. Uh, you know, we’re all across the country, so it’s, it’s not like we’re going to be, you know, friends that can get together, but everyone is so understanding and very supportive. And so many of the problems are shared between all of us, you know. And you really learn that you’re not alone, that we all struggle, and we’re kind of all in the same situation. And I assume that you kind of set us up accordingly, that we are pretty much in the same situation, age wise, years of marriage, things like that. But so therefore knowing that you’re not alone and you’re going through the same thing and sharing some things that may have worked for me, you share it with someone else, vice versa. And it’s like, yeah, try that. So that’s what I find valuable. One thing about, you know, being all across worldly to share things, and you know, it’s not going any place. It’s just between us. And even if they does, they’re they don’t know each other or each other’s friends to let something slip out. So that’s that’s very valuable. We share things I’ve shared things that never shared with anybody else,

Dana  26:35

right? Wow, yes, that’s that anonymity piece that really allows for you to feel safe in that community, to do exactly that, Harvey, and that’s to share things and speak about things that you had never had the opportunity to speak about in the past. Harvey, I just, I love that you’re finding, you know, a brotherhood there in that, in that community that is, that is incredibly special. Harvey, I’m curious about one thing, did your spouse know that you were involved in masculinity reclaimed when you were going through it?

Speaker 1  27:15

Not really. She doesn’t really know about the program, okay, what the purpose is or what it does, yeah, but what I shared with her is that I joined an online Christian men’s group, yes, and she’s always wanted me to join a Christian men’s group, so she’s very supportive of that aspects. And if I when I had to leave or I was on a call, is for my men’s group. So that’s about all she really knows about it. And she knows that we we share things and pray for each other and that kind of thing, so that that’s all she really knows about the program,

Dana  28:02

yeah, and that’s and that’s okay, and that’s good. I love that you had, you know, her, her support and her knowing that you were in exactly that a Christian community of men who were in it together, working, you know, for the Lord, but standing next to each other and really supporting each other, that’s that’s really fantastic. And I love that the the cycle is is a new one Harvey, that it’s a new and positive cycle in in your marriage. And it began with you. It began with with your commitment to saying, you know, I have to take time off of work to not be at work. And you did so. You did so by committing to your marriage and really wanting to try to figure out how to bridge the gap in spiritual and emotional intimacy and you know, and as time goes on, that physical connection as well. I love what you’ve committed to, Harvey, and I think you’ve done a really fantastic job of of taking the those initial principles and putting them in place, and then staying committed to them as you went through the program there, there is a lot to be had, sir, and I love again that you were committed to it. And for those who don’t know, you get to stay committed to it through lifetime access to the program materials in this you know the men’s community as well. Harvey, so I’m, I’m excited for your continued growth in this and to really just be very expectant in you know, what the Lord has next for you. I think that is all very exciting as well. And so I

Speaker 1  29:56

wish that I could have gone back and started. Of learning some of these things earlier in my marriage. You know, we’re constantly changing. I’m a different person now than I was when we got married, and there’s always that shift. And so as you grow, I guess I kind of want to grow in the way to become a better husband. And delight my marriage.

Dana  30:25

Oh, that’s beautiful. Harry. Harvey, excuse me, and I think you’re doing exactly that. That’s really fantastic. Harvey, I can’t thank you enough for for sharing your story with me today. I really and truly appreciate the time you took out of your schedule, your busy schedule to do this, and your courage and honesty around what things were like prior to delight your marriage and how they are now and how those shifts have really taken hold before we finish. Harvey, what advice would you give to a husband who is in a similar situation that you were prior to joining the program.

Speaker 1  31:09

There’s so many things that we don’t know the answer to on how to make things better, and we are. We have our habits. It might not be the best, but I do think that every husband should seek outside coaching or assistance to gain advice on how to become a better husband. And a program like the light your marriage is one of the avenues person can take to learn those things. And I do think that every husband needs to learn how to be a husband, and, you know, seek God’s guidance and seek help from others to become that person, because if you don’t, you’re not going to have the marriage that you could have. Yes, sir. So yes, sir, that’s what I encourage others to reach out and don’t be afraid to get coaching or help to become a better husband.

Dana  32:17

That’s beautiful. Harvey, absolutely beautiful and sound advice. Sarah, thank you so much for that before we go. Harvey, is there anything else you’d like to share?

Speaker 1  32:33

No, I just good like for every husband out there, and I encourage you to be that better husband that God wants you to be.

Dana  32:43

Amen. Amen. Harvey, well, I can’t thank you enough again for sharing your story with me today, and more importantly than that, thank you so much for committing to the Lord to do this, Harvey, to learn what it takes to become the man that God is calling you to be in the context of your marriage. So Harvey, I’m excited about your next 36 years. I think you’re doing a fantastic job, sir. Thank you again. Thank you. You’re welcome, sir. Welcome. Thank you very, very good. Harvey. God bless you.

Belah Rose  33:29

So awesome. Thank you, Harvey, what a blessing. I’m going to go ahead and pray for you listener, because I’d love for you to gain the same kind of hope that you can have, seeing somebody else transform, knowing that, oh, my goodness, if I looked at myself and if I could focus on what I can do to change myself, who knows what God’s going to do? Who knows what God’s going to do through our family? Let’s pray Lord Jesus. I thank you so much for this one listening. I thank you Lord, that truly, when we focus on what we can do, you can change so much through us. So Lord, I pray for this one listening. I pray that they would love their spouse well. From their heart, they wouldn’t have a double mind where they look at their spouse, but they’re really thinking these terrible things about them. Lord, help them to think good about this precious husband or wife that you entrusted to them, their brother or sister in Christ. Lord help them to honor them in their hearts, Lord and that they would use habits that speak life to their spouse and speak love to their spouse and pray for their spouse, and pray with their spouse, God and do what matters most, what their spouse needs from them, Lord, we thank you for what you’re doing, what you’ve begun. We ask you to bless them so much in so many where areas of their lives in Jesus name, Amen. All right. Your listener. At the end of it all, we’re doing this for Jesus. We love our spouse well because we love God. I know that’s how you feel, and I want you to consistently lean into that. Love your spouse well today, because you love God. All right, God, bless you. If we can help you delight your marriage. COMM, slash, CC, and you can talk to our one of our amazing clarity advisors, like the one you just heard, Dana, but to really find out how we can help you and and what program we might encourage you to walk alongside and and see what God’s going to do in your own life. All right, God bless you. Have a wonderful day. We’ll talk soon. You you.