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What Turns Her Off — and What Godly Husbands Do Instead

Have you ever wished you could just…get inside your wife’s heart for a moment?

Not to manipulate, but to genuinely understand her. To love her in a way that makes her feel safe and wanted—not pressured or confused.

My husband Darrow and I sat down to talk through something men rarely get honest insight about:

Her biggest turn-offs.

And not because we want to shame or scold—but because clarity brings freedom. When you finally understand what shuts her down, you also discover what opens her heart.

So take a deep breath.
You’re not in trouble.
You’re learning—and that already makes you a good man.

Let’s walk through these turn-offs together, with God’s kindness leading us all the way.

1. When Affection Feels Like a Transaction

One of the most common complaints I hear from wives is this:

“Every time he does something sweet, it feels like he’s trying to get sex.”

A back rub, a coffee, a hand on her waist, a date night—beautiful gestures—become tainted when she senses they come with an expectation.

When affection is only a bridge to the bedroom, she feels:

• Used
• Not loved for who she is
• Like her worth is tied to her sexual availability

God never intended marital intimacy to be a negotiation.

Love her without a scoreboard. Bless her without an agenda.

2. Grabbing, Pinching, or Smacking Her Body When She’s Not Comfortable

Yes…wives talk about this.

And I know many husbands mean it playfully.
But if she doesn’t feel safe—emotionally, spiritually, or physically—this kind of touch feels like entitlement, not affection.

Her body is not something to be “snatched.”
She needs room to open, not pressure to surrender.

When she feels cherished—not grabbed—she wants to share her body freely.

3. Taking “Not Now” Personally

If she says she’s tired, overwhelmed, stressed, or simply “not right now,” it’s almost never about you.

But when a husband interprets it as:

• Rejection
• Lack of desire
• “She doesn’t love me”

…it puts enormous emotional weight on her shoulders.

Instead, respond with: “No worries, sweetheart. Another time would be wonderful.”

That confidence and peace will draw her toward you—not away.

4. Moping After She Says No

Emotional sulking is not harmless.

Moping communicates:

• “You disappointed me.”
• “Now I have to punish you with sadness.”
• “You’re responsible for my emotions.”

This shuts her heart down.
Fast.

Your steadiness and joy—even when she’s not available—makes her feel safe.

And safety is the soil where desire grows.

5. Punishing Her for Not Wanting Sex

This is one of the deepest wounds wives carry.

Punishments include:

• Silent treatment
• Withholding affection
• Moving to another room
• Being cold or distant
• Only being “nice” when you want intimacy

These behaviors feel manipulative and honestly frightening.

Your wife is not the enemy. She is the assignment God entrusted to you.

Lead with love, not consequences.

6. Lack of Playfulness

Playfulness is essential to intimacy.

If everything feels heavy, serious, structured, pressured…then her nervous system never relaxes enough to enjoy being sensual.

Silliness is holy ground for a woman’s heart.

Laughter lowers her guard.
Playfulness creates connection.

If you want her to be playful in the bedroom, she needs to experience playfulness outside the bedroom.

7. Not Feeling Emotionally Safe

Women cannot separate emotional connection from physical intimacy.

I’ll say that one more time.

Women cannot separate emotional connection from physical intimacy.

When she feels emotionally unsafe, her body shuts down.

Emotional Safety looks like:

• Listening
• Compassion
• Being slow to speak and quick to understand
• Responding gently
• Supporting her heart, not “fixing” immediately
  

 When she feels heard, she opens.

8. Being a “Negative Nellie” (or Negative Ned!)

Constant complaining is exhausting and not attractive.

It pulls the atmosphere of the home downward and makes her feel like she has to carry your emotional weight.

There is space to process hard things—but constant negativity drains the joy God wants in your marriage.

Rejoice. Notice blessings. Bring hope into the home.

9. Bitterness and Resentment

Long-term resentment is a marriage-killer.

Bitterness communicates:

• “I haven’t forgiven you.”
• “You owe me.”
• “I’m still keeping score.”

This is the opposite of Christlike love.

Your wife cannot relax into intimacy with a man who holds her mistakes over her head.

Forgiveness clears the ground for closeness to grow again.

And if you need a little extra inspiration, let us turn you to Matthew 6:15 (NIV):
“But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

10. Being Too Serious All the Time

Intensity has a place—but not every moment.

When a man is always stern, rigid, perfectionistic, spiritual-but-heavy…it makes her feel like she can never fully exhale.

If she can’t be herself around you, she won’t be vulnerable with you.

Joy is a fruit of the Spirit—not an optional extra.

11. Using Slang or Sexual Words She Doesn’t Like

Words matter.

Some husbands use slang affectionately or playfully.
Some wives love it.
Others absolutely don’t.

If slang or sexual language makes her uncomfortable, embarrassed, or unsafe, it becomes a turn-off—not a turn-on.

Honor her preferences. You’re not losing freedom—you’re gaining connection.

Final Thoughts: So What Do You Do with All This?

If reading this stirs conviction…good.

Conviction is not condemnation.
The enemy heaps shame.
God invites repentance—and repentance leads to freedom.

Your wife is God’s daughter. And He entrusted her to you.

Every shift you make toward loving her well brings you closer to His heart and closer to hers.

We’re rooting for you!

 

Blessing,

The Delight Your Marriage Team

 

PS – If you want help walking this out in real life—not just head knowledge—that’s exactly why our coaching and in-person training programs exist.

Men who were separated from their wives…
Women who longed for connection…
Couples in sexless marriages…
…have seen transformation they once thought impossible.

For more information on our In-Person Training programs, launching January 2026, check out delightyourmarriage.com/ipt

If you’re ready to dive into the Coaching programs, please feel free to schedule a free Clarity Call at delightyourmarriage.com/cc

PPS – Here is a quote from a recent In-Person Training pilot program graduate:
“My wife and I have been separated for 6 months, and the same day as our [IPT] graduation, she chose to and began moving back into our matrimonial home. I also told her about our [IPT] program that same day. Up until then, I had said I was attending a men’s bible study. All praise be to God.”

 

Transcript:

Belah Rose (00:20)
Hi there, Delight Your Marriage listener. I am really excited about this conversation. My name’s Belah Rose, author, trainer, coach, speaker. I’m honored for the work that we get to do by Witnessing God Transform Lives, and I’m joined by the very person that this whole Delight Your Marriage organization would not be here without.

which is my incredible husband, Darrow. Honey, you want to say anything? Hello and good morning or good afternoon or good evening. Those are beautiful words. have not, I don’t practice about speaking or have notes or anything.

Just whatever it is. Which is great because I do have notes and that’s why we’re such a great team. But actually that’s what I was hoping we could be on this conversation together to help process. this is, you can hear us process and we started to do this before the episode recorded and I asked my husband if he wouldn’t mind just being honest and open on the recording so that you can hear his

responses to some of these things, because he was curious if he does any of these things. So I think it’ll be really fun for us to talk together, and my husband’s a very wise man who is, I often say, the kindest man I’ve ever met, because I was a very, very damaged woman when we met, and God has healed me through his love. And that’s why I get to coach men, because I know what it’s like to be a woman who feels pressured and pushed and

forced and not love for who she is. And it’s an incredibly painful place. And so dear husband, if you’re listening, I’m thrilled. I’m so happy you’re here because you have an opportunity to get inside the head of a woman, your wife, and have a man as an example to know how it actually can work. And he did it without ever knowing how to.

God just gave him that insight. Go ahead. Go ahead. I didn’t know a lot of things. Well, it truly is from the Lord, and the reason we know that is because you didn’t have a role model that did this, and we just know it’s God, because it was. It was God’s kindness that allowed you to walk in this.

If you’re open to it, we can kind of dive into her biggest turn offs. Yeah. You want me to pray? Yes, please. Holy Father, thank you so much for everything you have done in our lives. And ⁓ I’m saying in our lives, including the people that are listening to these words, these voice, and I pray that you keep safe every single family, Father. Every blessing that will come to

Towards them, that even sometimes it feels that we feel that you’re not there. I felt that you’re not there, Father, but thank you so much for keep showing us every single time. Help us not forget about that we’ve relied on you and ⁓ whatever the words that will be to speak about that will be your words, Father, not us. the name of Jesus, Father, amen. Yes.

Amen. So what is it that we want to… I just, my list keeps getting longer in terms of her biggest turnoffs, so… It’s a long list. All right, I’ll just start with the first one, and you just comment on what you think about this or ask me questions if I think this way or whatever, but when I coach wives, a big one is if they feel that every…

affection that he gives her, he’s seeking it to lead to sex. So if it’s a back rub or a hug or holding her hand or making her coffee or making her dinner or a date night or anything that she should receive as I love you, if she has any kind of inkling,

And if it’s true, particularly, in his heart that the reason he’s doing this is he hopes it to go to sex, that will turn her off completely. What do you think? Well, those things, I feel like a lot of many times, I mean, me, I don’t know about men, that…

I am very high on intimacy. High drive. High drive. And to me, was just playing. Playing certain things that my wife take it as a, this is where I’m going. And I didn’t know.

That’s how she felt until, ⁓ you know, slowly and respectful, mentioned some things that, you know, she said, is this where you’re going? And to me, it was just, no, just being playful, you know, like, just like she says that a massage or something or bring a coffee or a date night and then we come home and… ⁓

She would think, this is what ⁓ he’s expecting. to me, that’s not where I’m going. I’m just giving you a massage, but I’m glad that.

She mentioned about that, that’s what she thought, that’s where it’s going because I’m assuming in the past or something. My own baggage, my own misunderstanding of men placing ⁓ the value of their wife on whether or not she gives sex. Here’s the difference though, a lot of men

do this exact thing. And if you’re a husband that takes your wife on a date and expects sex afterwards, that’s the opposite of a turn on. In fact, it makes her feel that she is worthless to you aside from sex. I don’t think that’s how you actually feel. But when you anticipate sex as a result of good actions towards her,

it makes her feel like this is an exchange. You’re exchanging X to get Y. But if you think about, that makes sex a commodity, something to be bought. And we know that’s not what real marital intimacy should be. There’s no buying. That is not, that is cheapening the act. It’s cheapening your wife. And so, my husband’s

precious enough to not have that motivation, but my invitation to you, dear husband, is to check your own heart. There’s so many times I have to check my heart and realize my motivations are foul. And so I hope that if you’re tempted to have this motivation, it’s something to call it out in yourself and say, ⁓ I got in the wrong zone there. That’s not how God sees my wife. I can’t see her that way. A back rub is just a back rub. It’s just a gift. It’s just a…

an investment in her joy and her pleasure as a person, not as a person that hopefully will desire sex afterwards. So she can sniff it out in a moment, she can feel it, and it causes her to want to go away from you, not towards you. Any thoughts? I think one thing is I hope your wife

We’ll feel comfortable to mention if that’s what you’re going to. You know, sometimes us here, you know, we’re not feeling our best and then things come up and we say, that what you’re expecting or hoping? And they say, no, I’m just giving you, ⁓ I’m just bringing you coffee. know, and I hope that…

the wife, your wife or wife will feel comfortable to say without feel the fear. Because I feel like that’s the worst thing that feeling fear if you’re going to mention something. I think you should mention something ⁓ and hope you’re wise enough to take it as a not as a negative way, but in a positive way. Like what?

What an amazing that your spouse, husband or wife, that is telling you this is how she’s feeling because whatever you’re prepping something for her and if she says, this just a coffee that you’re bringing me or is there something more that you’re expecting? And I feel that you don’t feel that.

this is what, you know, like we always take in like in a car and we’re ready to fight instead of like, no, no, no, baby, you know, I’m just bringing you coffee just to let you know that I love you. Tell you just to let you know that I love you. ⁓ thank you. He brought me coffee this morning. It was wonderful. You know, just like ⁓ to say nothing clear that you just bring her coffee.

And that’s it. It’s nothing more. I think in the past we talk about the expectations. It’s kind of like that. You know, because you’re expecting something. So with that we had to be very careful over there because you’re the one who’s going to be upset if you take it on the wrong way, I think. So that’s not expectations. So something you mentioned a little bit already, but…

Dear husband, we know this happens in your house, all right? Just so you know, there is pinching, slapping, squeezing of very intimate parts. We know it happens, we know it happens, and here’s the deal. Your wife may be very fine with it, or she might not. And if you have a sense that your wife is not okay with it, it’s not gonna help you continuing to do it.

it’s just gonna make her resent you and resent that you feel you have entitlement over her body. Because it’s just like a child who has a truck. If you grab that truck, you snatch it away from them, they’re gonna scream and yell and fight and be so angry with you. But if you take a moment, let the child enjoy the truck all on his own, and then…

The child gets to say, here, will you share? Let’s share the truck. And they get to enjoy once they’re comfortable with you and you guys can play with the truck together. That’s like your wife and her body. She needs to have her body all to herself. She needs to feel safe with you, safe, known, wholeheartedly cherished. And then she can share it with you, fully, wholly, totally. But if you just snatch it,

And you pinch and slap and smack because you know that, well, she’s my wife and I get to do this because she’s da-da-da, not authority over her own body. All that does is make her resent the fact that you treat her that way. Now, if you have a healed marriage, this slap, squeeze, pinch stuff can come back if she’s interested. But if you know she’s not interested, just continuing that can be a…

significant turn off. And I’m assuming, I don’t know, I’m thinking about men doing that, but not the wife doing that. That’s what I’m assuming, but probably there will be the opposite. Some wives that do it. You’re right, actually. It does happen sometimes. I don’t know. So maybe the husband is in the opposite and the husband is not… ⁓

doesn’t appreciate those things. It is great to have a sit-in and mention like, you know, I don’t want you to get offended or upset. It’s just these things are, I don’t really enjoy it. I don’t really enjoy it. You know, you don’t have to say this is how serious it is because otherwise it becomes more things to start bringing it up. But if you say, you know, I don’t really enjoy this.

I say that because I’m guilty of that in the past. But… I didn’t realize that.

I stop myself. You know, we’re talking about husbands and wives. You know husbands, you know husbands. And you know wives. ⁓ You know, we’re not talking about kids and stuff. So you know in your home. You know, so I’m assuming there’s ⁓ a wife there that does the opposite and the husband don’t really appreciate it.

You know? Yeah, I was going to say sometimes the wife will actually smack the husband’s butt. a lot of times men actually don’t like that. It almost feels a little emasculating. Because on the other side, he’s interested in some attention, not a slap. But ⁓ yeah, sometimes that can be something he’s not interested in. No. Not at all.

No, not at all. I mean, like I said, it could be a husband there, but I… It’s hard for me to believe it. You know… Yeah. I think the reason women do that sometimes is because what we’re not realizing is you want to love your spouse the way they receive love. So your husband smacking your butt because he enjoys your butt, but you smacking his butt is not what he enjoys. And even though…

you’re just giving back what he gives to you, but he actually doesn’t enjoy that. What he would enjoy is a very tender squeeze from the front outside of his clothes, but ⁓ not a smack on the back. Here’s the reason the women often will smack on the butt rather than a gentle squeeze on the front is because ⁓ it’s not dangerous back there. There’s no threat in the front.

she’s probably like, oh no, I’m gonna lead him on. If I do some playfulness that I’m sure he would love, kind of going back to the first point, if she does some kind of affection towards him, he’s gonna assume, oh, here we go, let’s go. And so a lot of times women won’t even want any physical contact with him because she’s afraid she’s gonna lead him on and he’s gonna want this to go all the way and she’s just trying to get the dishes done.

So yeah, okay, should we keep rolling or was there another thing you were gonna say? We can keep rolling. Okay. ⁓ A big turn off for women is if she says not now, some kind of let’s say you initiated and she’s like, honey, not now, I’m just feeling da da da. Or she says, I’d love to but maybe tomorrow. If he takes that personally and makes it about him or, ⁓ she doesn’t like me and.

you know, really gets hurt by it instead of realizing this is just about her, you know, she’s just a little stressed or busy or tired or just in this very moment it’s not perfect for her. Don’t take it personally because if you don’t take it personally you’re just like, okay honey, no big deal. Yeah, no, another time would be great. Then that actually inspires her to come back to it. But if you take it personally, you get hurt and angry at her, she’s actually pushed away from you and doesn’t want to come back to it later.

So don’t take it personally. Be like, oh, okay, well we’ll do it another time. That’d be awesome. I would love that. And that actually inspires her to come back around later.

Fair enough. Fair enough. Okay, the next one I have is moping. Similar to taking it personally is if you just begin moping after she says, right now, ⁓ that also is a big turn off. Just like, okay, well, you’re gonna be a mope or grouchy or mean or another one punishing her with withholding affection because she said not right now or punishing her by sleeping in another room.

punishing her by being silent to her unless she makes love to you. I mean, it is the kinds of things I have heard from these precious wives that their husbands have done because she has said, no, not right now, is tragic. It’s truly tragic. You’re withholding what she, you’re withholding. It’s just such a manipulative, controlling move that is so wrong and so not godly.

What do you think about that, honey? One thing about when you said that, you know, punishing her by sleeping in the other room, I think that’s very privileged if you have another room. Because not a lot of us have, you know, places to sleep. In the kids’ room. But you know what mean. You sleep with one of the kids, You can sleep with one Look, there’s always a couch. People can sleep on a couch. There’s not always a couch, but…

The kitchen floor. Go ahead, I’m sorry. Yes. what she mentions about sleeping in the other room or couch or neighbor room or anything, there’s a lot of people that don’t have, I think, privilege. But if you do, I think just to don’t take personally.

You know, I’ve got to respect the wishes and say it’s okay. Even though for inside of you, you’ve to figure out how to deal with it. You know, I always want to say work out, but I don’t. I just do push-ups.

He does workout. He works out a lot. I feel I work out with people. They go to the gym. They do weights. They do all the stuff. I do push-ups and… Soccer. Yes. Fastest one out there. Scores all the goals. So don’t take personal, personally. Because the one who’s going to get frustrated is you. Yeah. And your husband, and your wife or husband.

will stay that thing and that feeling and that will last for some time. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so… I’m sorry, can I do the next one? Yes. You can do the next one. My list just keeps growing. Another one is non-playful. If there’s not a playfulness between you two, sex can feel very scary because…

she does one thing embarrassing and it feels, mean, embarrassment is one of the worst feelings, right? One of the worst social feelings you can have is embarrassment. Wouldn’t you say? Embarrassment, Like in front of people? Yeah, well, particularly in front of your spouse if you feel embarrassed. I think that’s a, it’s one of the high ones, I think. Embarrassment slash shame, those often go hand in hand. But ⁓ if playfulness is not normal between,

husband and a wife, then when something weird happens in intimacy, and plenty of weird things happen in intimacy, every time, all the time, then she feels like she can’t be herself in sex. And if she can’t feel herself, if she can’t be herself outside of sex, she certainly can’t be herself inside of sex. And that’s what you want. You want her to be able to be herself and be free and enjoy and seek.

your pleasure, seek her own pleasure and be free. And that has to happen outside of the bedroom first. And so that’s another one on my list, safety. Safety is so vital. It directly impacts intimacy. And again, what is safety? Well, you can gain insight on various other episodes that we’ve done around safety, but it’s listening to her heart, caring about her feelings, honoring her.

loving her, respecting her, safe, safe emotionally, listening. ⁓ All right, jump in whenever you want to. I’ll keep going on my list, how’s that? Sure. Okay, another one is don’t be a negative Nellie. Don’t be a negative Nellie. It even sounds feminine, right? Nellie, that sounds like a lady’s name. Gentlemen, don’t be a negative Nellie. Don’t wanna be that.

Do you know what that means, babe? How about, don’t be negative? All right, fair enough. I don’t know what Nellie, adding words, I was like, no. Could we say negative Ned? That’s like a man’s name. If your name is Ned out there, as long as you’re not negative… You’re kind. They’re kind Ned. Mr. Ned, you’re kind, respectful, and honorable. And positive maybe. Very positive.

But if somebody’s all the ways complaining and ugh, this is a problem, this is a problem, kind of notice your own language when somebody says, hey, how are you? If your answer is, ⁓ not very good because blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, just telling you it’s not attractive. Is it?

It’s not attractive? It’s not attractive. Like if you’re complaining? Correct.

Do you like being around people who complain? If I’d like to be, no, I don’t like to be around. There you go. Be complaining. Not attractive. which, you know, they will complain if they’re not in the right…

What should I say? You know, because things happen in our lives. And it’s good to talk about with the friends of yours. You know, it doesn’t mean complaining. It’s your… You’ve been thinking about that. You’ve been thinking about that. it’s okay. I do sometimes. But if it’s like a habit, you know, I have a friend that…

I don’t feel like that person will look at me a different way because of the things that I’m saying or having a hard time. But I feel like if it’s a habit that every time all this hang out, so I can complain. As a man, it’s… It’s not attractive. Because I think about, to me, I’ll just be quiet. ⁓

until eventually that person will take a deep breath and then I jump in. And I say, that must be really hard. Well, I’m glad we’re hanging out. look at that. It’s a sunny day. You know, because I feel like there’s always reasons, always reasons to complain. And if…

If it becomes a habit, I think that’s got to be very, very, very careful that it becomes a habit. Because you, I won’t realize that that is happening because we think it’s normal. know, but if like, if you look around before, say or mention anything, if you look around, you know, how much blessings you have, there will be some, you know,

complaining and stuff, but a lot less because you’re looking around and you’re thinking about other positive things in your life. You know, like yes, complaining, it’s, you know, it’s there. I’ll do my best not to, but sometimes…

It’s life and it’s very difficult and I hope you have that person, you know, that you come and you say whatever you feel with that person without feeling judged or anything, without feeling like, if I say mention this person will say something, won’t like me or anything like that. So it sounds like what you’re saying is…

If it’s not a habit and it’s just in order to process, then that’s okay. So it’s really a notice your words, notice what kind of things are coming out of your mouth consistently. And if it’s a bunch of complaining to your wife, I mean, we know, rejoice in the Lord always. Again, I say rejoice. So it really is not something that we should be doing as.

people who love Jesus, but carrying each other’s burdens and walking alongside others when they’re going through hard things is godly and loving. But just make sure that’s not your constant. Don’t let that be the first of your two names being Negative Ned or Negative Nellie. Or Positive Ned. Positive Patrick.

There you go. Positive Patricia. There you go. There we go. Okay, so a couple other things. A few other things. Bitter and resentful. Very unattractive. Very much a spiritual thing that all of us have to be careful of. But that means we’re walking in unforgiveness towards our spouse. And our spouse is our highest human assignment. They are the person that is closest to us. It’s getting in my mind. When…

My wife is with the kids and I can’t where she works and I saw a sign when it’s her last day to go home and then she has, what is this? Okay God, I’m going home to do my first assignment, my highest assignment or my two seconds assignment, something like that.

I still remember that was really special to see that message. Still there. Still there? Yeah. So these are your children. Let me see. Okay. I’ll give it.

No, can’t see it. Can’t see it. Anyway, something like that. says, Lord, these are your children and I trust you with them. I leave work now.

I leave work and now go to see my highest assignments. And then that’s the IC. The next one’s embarrassing, but you can read it if you want. I don’t do that every day. No, I mentioned about my… Putting my phone down. My phone down, my husband and my children. And even sometimes that…

You know, we’re humans, we have some things. And it’s exciting to see, you know, coming home. Always, oh, welcome home. Yeah. Always that word. You know, in the mornings, when we wake up, it’s great to see with a smile. Yes. You know, it’s something that…

Then even my wife mentions, like, you know, are we okay? I said, I think we’re okay. She says, oh, I feel much better because…

I can do this job. If you’re not okay, it’s challenging for her, for me to do our best and things that we do. But you know, sometimes life, it’s life. And sometimes God is telling us, okay, it’s time to grow. So here are some things that we need to work on. It’s time to grow. Oh, I’m not sure if you did a… changing the conversation. If you did a podcast about one time we…

Miscommunication. I don’t think we really miscommunicated. I don’t feel like that happens. Oh, never happens. So that was probably someone else miscommunicating. Well, feel free to tell the story, but I don’t think it’s about me. That’s for sure. Oh no, it’s about me.

No, no, no, wait. We’ll do it another time. Did you want to share the story? No. How about when you went to buy the suitcase at Target? Suitcase at Target? Let’s I was sure that’s what you said, but it turns out you were buying toothpaste. It wasn’t a suitcase at all. was a toothpaste. But, you know, you keep those things in just a fun situation. ⁓

Everything works out. So I guess that’s the other thing I’ll mention on my list is being too serious. You know, when everything is serious. What I even find is Christians, sometimes we get so serious because this is spiritual and we need to intercede and we’ve got to memorize all the Bible. We’ve got to da-da-da-da-da. And it’s just the tension and the intensity and the non, the perfection, the…

Legalism, it’s so high. You have to be perfect and you have to be intense. And the problem there is you can’t be yourself. You can’t relax. can’t… ⁓ Again, you can’t be yourself. And dear husbands, know, often, most of the time, men don’t have a problem shifting from serious mode to sex mode. That doesn’t matter.

But that doesn’t work for wives. If she thinks she has to be serious, serious, serious, and then suddenly shift into sensual, relaxed, playful, fun, sexy, seductive wife, that doesn’t work. You have to make her feel safe and intense seriousness without any kind of release. mean, serious, there’s always times to be serious in this life, right? A funeral.

We should not be cracking up at a funeral. That’s a bad idea. But there are lots of other places in life where it’s always good to have some laughter, always good to relax a little bit. You think that’s true? If I think it’s true, I think, yes. I think it’s true. In his culture, it actually is appropriate to laugh at a funeral. They do stuff like that. it’s so funny.

You know, I’m sure Mowai mentioned that last year, a few weeks ago, last year my dad passed away. And I only seen, you know, oh, let’s go to the funeral. But I didn’t know. It’s very unique. And people are just joking and making food.

Yeah, they are. For the people who want to pray. it’s like, I see like, it’s like they’re not feeling that somebody passed away. But, you know, it makes sense because I feel like, yes, it’s going to be sad. You know, I was sad. You know, I’m sad. Sometimes I can’t, the image of my dad and…

I get very sad. And those people, you know, my family, they’re laughing. They’re laughing, they’re playing some games and eating food. I don’t know, it’s unique. Yeah, well, the joy of the Lord is your strength. It’s exactly the way it should be. I think that laughter and joy, actually has a respite amidst stress and difficulty. It actually makes you more creative.

better at problem solving, helps you remember things. I try to make this podcast pretty enjoyable, pretty entertaining. I try to make it so that you would laugh and that you would smile. I invite you to smile right now, even if you don’t think this is funny. It will literally release oxytocin, which lowers cortisol and makes it so that you are less stressed. It’s God’s incredible design to give us joy. But I’ll keep rolling if you are open to it. Okay.

Just for time’s sake, I’ll see if I can run through some of these a little bit faster, but one is slang words. A lot of wives will be very negative about slang words. My conviction is that we have a handful of words that are absolutely off limits as believers of Jesus, and those are the Lord’s names in vain. So if we’re talking about Jesus or God and using those, words that you pray,

When you refer to God and you’re praying those names, if you use them in just regular vocabulary for anything other than a prayer to the Lord or worshipping him and saying, God, if you just do it as a just expletive or ⁓ my, God or anything else, that is the Lord’s name in vain. That is a big deal.

But all other words, biblically speaking, they’re just sounds. They’re not, so if it affects your conscience and you don’t wanna say those words, that’s fine. But if it is just a, biblically speaking, I’m not allowed to say those things, biblically speaking, they’re okay if it’s not the Lord’s name and vein. So from there, I just wanna invite you.

Personally, that’s my conviction about words around intimacy. But also, use your own conscience, right? You have to abide by your own conscience. Now, if your wife doesn’t like certain words, just don’t use them. So what? She’s not interested in those, but she might be. And dear wife, if you are listening, ⁓ maybe your husband’s interested in certain words, and now that you know, gosh, if it’s not the Lord’s name in vain.

might be able to use some of those words and that would bless him and that would cause additional arousal and that would create more ⁓ possibility for unification and pleasure mutually for you to have a fun experience in the bedroom. so ⁓ anyway, those are my thoughts around slang words. Next one. Is it okay if I keep rolling here? Yeah. Okay. You don’t have to go fast. We can do another time.

You know, that’s not… You’re so smart. Just finish and go for feel like, you know, when there’s some things… Because I’m very slow on process things. I don’t go fast. And even sometimes when I listen to something in books or, you know, I have to listen to my wife’s podcast to review, I have to listen like two three times just to make sure that I get it. So, I think, you know…

See how similar we are? We are so similar. We’re pretty much the same person. I think if, you know, because I feel like you get your notes, but then you start taking more notes and it’s getting… It’s getting so long. But I think it’s good, like just now, right? We’re laughing. I hope you’re laughing or smiling. I hope. That, you know, we don’t have to go fast. But sometimes we need the other person to, you know, make us laugh. Like, you know what? This is great.

We live from here. Maybe that’s another thing to talk about for the next time. But I am very slow in process things. I am not a fan of speaking in front of people. So… Lucky you. Lucky me. No, lucky the listener. get to hear from you even though you don’t speak in front. If I have you in front of me…

⁓ that will be different. ⁓ that’s so funny. OK, well, I guess you’re right. The other things that I was going to say we can save for another podcast, just to keep you guys that are listening, you gents or you lady, ⁓ on the edge of your seat. I’ll just… Right? Man, yeah, I think the other ones will take a while to unpack. So yeah, let’s put a pin in this and we’ll come back to it.

final thing just for dear husband, you listener. I just want to encourage you. You’re doing a really good job. The only reason you decided to listen is because you want to love your wife well. You want to well in your marriage. You want…

to hear how to do it better. And I just honor you and appreciate you. And as my husband said, maybe you need time to digest this and process this and say, ⁓ no, I’ve done this the wrong way. Maybe the enemy is trying to bucket a bunch of shame on your head. And I just wanna reject that in Jesus’ name and invite you to say, all right, it’s his kindness that leads me to repentance. If I have done or said or.

acted this way to my wife, if I’ve had these expectations, if I’ve given her the silent treatment, if I have manipulated her in one way or the other, if I’ve had these high expectations, if I’ve taken things personally, if I’ve wanted every bit of the affection or gifts that I’ve given her to lead to sex, how has that impacted the woman I am responsible for before Jesus? How has it impacted her heart? And if you are feeling that, I would love to just

lead you in a prayer of repentance to get closer to Jesus, and then, yeah, then we’ll say goodbye. So, ⁓ Lord Jesus, I bring this husband before you and ask you, God, to touch his heart. Remind him, Lord, that he is your beloved son, and you love him, God. And if these are things that he has made the mistake of, God, I pray, open his eyes. Give him eyes to see what he didn’t see before. Lord, help him to know that by your strength,

He can resist the temptation of the enemy. He can resist the temptation of pride. He can resist the temptation of ⁓ feeling like he is ⁓ better than his wife or he needs to force her in these different ways or push her or pressure her. But instead, he has the opportunity to love her the way you love her, to see her the way you see her, God, and even to be your agent of healing for his wife. So, gentlemen, if you would…

If you feel this is you and you need to repent, just repeat after me, Lord Jesus, I ask for your forgiveness. I ask that you would forgive me of this exact behavior. Gentlemen, I invite you to say it out loud.

Lord, I ask you to forgive me for treating my wife this way.

This is your daughter.

You entrusted her to me.

Lord, I want to serve her the way you invited me to.

Thank you God that because I have repented, I am now cleaner than white snow.

And I don’t have to walk around in shame anymore. I am free.

to love my wife the way she receives love.

Jesus’ Amen. ⁓

Honey, would you mind…

praying for the husband or the wife listening. Yeah. I feel like it’s great that, you know, there’s so many things to talk about it. But, ⁓ you know, I’m a slow processor and I’m putting myself even the other side, how I’m processing those things. You know, and maybe that means the next time I’ll be here. Anyway.

Thank you so much for listening. I hope that you are okay. And my wife says that I should pray. I asked you if you could No, she asked. I promise I didn’t tell him what to do. No, no, She didn’t tell you what to do. I just want to say, I’m just saying see you later. Now, trust me, she does not, she’s making me, forcing me to pray. No, no, I love to pray. And I pray with my kids every night.

And I pray for you, every listener, every single person in your family and your families and loved ones and friends. All right, let me pray. Father, thank you so much for every single one, Father. And I pray that even some words that will make sense to them or not, I pray that you just make them come together and close together. Father, always you in the middle that we…

seeking You, Father. I pray that You bless them, You protect them, You keep them safe, Father. The words that come in our mouths full of encouragement, Negativity, it feels like there’s more in this world, but I pray that we are the ones that will come and calm everyone, Father, that it comes in our path, that they see what’s the difference in us, and they’ll be curious about it. I pray that You bless them, You protect them.

Thank you so much for listening and thank you so much. We’ll see you next time or talk to you next time.

Alrighty, Gent, well thank you for listening. bless you. And we’ll talk soon. All right, bye. Bye-bye.

Belah Rose (46:27)
Oh my gosh, that was so amazing to chat with Darrow. I hope that blessed you. And if you are looking to see how you can love your wife well and really live these things out, that’s what we do at our coaching programs and in our in-person training programs that are now live January, 2026. We’ve had incredible results from our fall pilots. had 170 plus people.

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