Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Excited we’re back together after far too long! We have got some fantastic episodes coming your way in this new season of DYM!

• What was the last sex scandal you heard about?
• What was the last Christian sex scandal?
  • It probably wasn’t too long ago. It’s really sad. And it happens so much, far too much.
  • Why is this happening? What can we do about this? 
• On today’s show, I talk about why this is so common. I describe the problem and then what you can do in your own marriage. What you can do in your own sphere of influence to guard yourself and others.
• Why I have told my husband if he sins–and goes outside the bounds of our marriage–he will be forgiven. That doesn’t mean it isn’t going to hurt me, and the marriage and plenty of others, but anything less can destabilize us in the long-run.

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• You might know me as the author, podcaster and marital intimacy coach, but I’ve also helped many women over the years get their goals: writing their books, transforming their marriages, getting a job, starting or leveling-up their business (brick-and-mortar and online). I’ve worked in entrepreneurship, non-profit and for-profit (with Fortune 50 companies).
• I am hosting a “Goal-set in God’s will” webinar Sunday, October 14, 2018, at 8 pm EST and Tuesday, October 16, 12 pm EST.
  • Discover the 3 questions you need to ask AND goal-set with me on this webinar! 
  • You’re someone who sets big, hairy, audacious goals, but could they need a bit of tweaking?
  • Let’s do something really important and have fun doing it! Sign up for this FREE, live webinar with me!
• 0:02
  Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host belah rose.

  0:18
  Hello, hello, and welcome. Thank you so much for joining. I am really excited to be back. I don’t know if you’ve been with a podcast for a while, but I have been off, frolicking around doing a bunch of things, and have not been here with you for quite some time. So thank you so much for your patience. Thank you for reaching out so many emailed and checked in and you know, saw it was going on and a lot of you went ahead and purchased courses and books and, you know, we’re still able to be connected to me through the materials, even though not necessarily were we talking every week, like we usually do. So very, very excited for a new season of the delight your marriage Podcast. Today. We are talking about Christian sex scandals. And, you know, sadly, it happens all the time. And we don’t talk about it. We don’t talk about why it happens. Much less could it ever happen to people that we know and love and even are intimately connected to? And I want to just I want to uncover it, I want to talk about it. Why is this happening? And what can we do about it? How can we guard against it? I think there’s a lot that we can do. And I think that God gives us the grace to do a lot. And it’s specifically because he gives us that grace that we can guard against it. And yeah, I think to listen in and and get the insights, there will be helpful. I’ve wanted, I’m sure that I have been working on something that is a little on the side, I know that you probably know me as a podcaster and author, a wife, a mom, and specifically a coach for delight your marriage. But I’m also a coach. And I’ve helped women dozens and dozens around the world, accomplish their goals, and stay motivated and activated to do what they feel is most fulfilling for them. And I’ve also worked in the nonprofit sector and for profit sector, with Fortune 50 companies even. And it’s really given me a lot of insight by God’s grace. And what I’d like to do is share that with more and more women. So I wanted to share that with you all. Because I’m doing a free webinar here coming up shortly. Not only on this Sunday, actually October 14, if you can join me eight o’clock in the evening, Eastern Standard Time. So depending on what time zone that might work for you. Or if you’re again on a different time zone. I’m also doing it Tuesday, the 16th at 12 o’clock Eastern Standard Time. So that might be your lunch hour, maybe you could grab it then or if you’re at another place in the world you can tune in at that time. But yeah, it’s about seeking God’s Well, well, and a lot of times we goal set, you know, maybe we’ll hear about Jesus and God’s Will on Sunday, but then we go set according to the world standards. So I want to work on goal setting with you in God’s will. Because what we do every single day is our life. And so if we’re working towards goals that are not in line with his will, what what is our life about? Is it according to God’s will? Or is it something else? So let’s explore this together discover the three questions that you need to be asking, I believe, and then also let’s go set together. So again, I’m really passionate about that. I love it. I love doing that with women. I’ve done it for several years now. So many amazing things have come out of our work together from writing books to leveling up people’s businesses, whether it’s brick and mortar businesses, or online businesses, maybe they’ve just started their business. They’ve gotten new jobs, gotten into Harvard, run a marathon. And of course, I’ve worked with transforming marriages. So anyway, I look forward to the webinar. Again, that’s this coming Sunday, the 14th of October, or Tuesday the 16th of October. So yeah, even if either of those times don’t don’t work for you, I would encourage you to sign up so that you can be on the list in case I have upcoming webinars to share with you. You can be on the list to get those emails. Okay, so sign up by going to courageous.com So I’ll spell that for you. That’s courage. S s.com. So, yeah, essentially, it’s driven women running together in God’s will. So that’s what courageous is all about. So it’s courage. S s.com. Really looking forward to that.

  5:19
  I hope you can join me. Alright, let’s dive in to this conversation about how to guard against sexual scandals as Christians Hey, there, this is Bella, I hope you are doing well. Thank you so much for joining me and tuning in. Now if you hear some things in the background, you might be wondering where I am. I’m not sure if you hear turkeys or donkeys, maybe some wild dogs, some music. Chickens roosters, that there’s quite a lot going on in the background. So I am actually in a pretty remote town, from my husband’s heritage. And my kids are playing with cousins. And I’m really enjoying getting to know a lot of the different cultures and language and the type of people and the very different terrain and very different way of living, it’s pretty incredible. So I am going to be recording a good amount of podcasts while I’m here. Because by God’s grace, I have a good amount of time off from work and I can after having a good amount of vacation. Now I’ve got some mental space and energy to really focus in again on dy M. So here’s what I wanted to talk about today is the kind of sad unification but truth that sex unifies us all. every culture, every tongue, every color, every race is sexual, we are all sexual beings. That’s the way God made us. And so if you bring sexual imagery into any culture, it will bring reactions, sexual contact context, I mean, it’s always something that is a big deal. So you think about African cultures, you know, with female genital mutilation, you know, they’re, they’re afraid and think that sexuality in women is bad. You think of Middle Eastern cultures where women are required to wear the hijab, I think it’s the name, where they’re covered, you know, top of their head to the toes of their feet in black so that the women’s sexuality is not shown or seen. And then you’ve got other cultures where curves are just incredibly attractive. You’ve got southern South American cultures where, you know, women dance in certain ways where they’re their curves, and their sexuality is just completely pronounced. And then you’ve got, obviously American culture where pop music has just glorified all sexual contact and, and dancing and ways of advertising. So it’s all it’s just it’s unifying. And what I wanted to talk about in this podcast is how it also is unifying in denominations in the church, in terms of negative ways of dealing with sex. You know, if you have been in church circles for any amount of time, you probably have heard of sex scandals that have ravished the church, maybe the very church that you were in. I mean, there’s very sad stories of divorces that have taken place because two people in the congregation became too close, and ended up having affairs and destroying those families. Or I remember years ago, a few years ago, maybe 10 years ago, there was incredible move of God, where just incredible miracles were happening in Florida and What ended up happening was essentially the leader that that God was using, to kind of begin this entire thing

  10:12
  fell to an affair, and the entire move stopped. And, sadly, so many people that were being impacted for the kingdom, everything was, was stopped. And many, many people were hurt by that. and myself included, it was it was devastating to see that this happened, I heard a story just the other day of this incredible family, huge, huge family of 10 or so kids. And sadly, the father was having an affair, while the mother is is, you know, doing so much service for her kids and her family and, and the husband is out, you know, having an affair. And you know, I can only imagine how that destroyed the kids. And she ended up having a psychotic breakdown. And I can only imagine how challenging that was. And I have so much compassion for her and just just really, really sad and they were believers, you know, they were Bible believing church going Christians. I don’t want to pull out specific denominations, because it’s every single one of them. We all have this unifying situation, every single denomination, every single believer has this challenge that we face. And, you know, obviously, and whether it’s sexual addictions, with pornography, you know, there was men who would get together. I don’t know if it was how many times a year but it was giants conferences for men. And as sad as you can believe it, the conferences, Christian conferences. Something like the statistics of hotel pornography rates and prostitution rates would skyrocket during those conferences. And I mean, this is something that the enemy has a hold on the people in churches around sexual sin, it is so challenging, and so not talked about, as I’m sure you know, and that’s what this podcast is about is uncovering and, and exposing the lies that the enemy has told us in the darkness without any light without any awareness without anyone turning on the light to see what is really going on. No one is talking about it, no one’s sharing help, because they’re too embarrassed to discuss their either their own sin their own past what they, they themselves struggle with, and have not grappled with solutions. Or it’s just a flippant, you know, mention of pornography and, and never help that goes with it. And I myself have gotten in situations where I’ve mentioned my own sin in the past where I was addicted to pornography when I was young. And, you know, my own sexual promiscuity as a young adult and these kinds of things, and I have been met with blank stares or changing the subject or not wanting to go there, which I get it because of the culture I get where they’re coming from. It’s not that I don’t understand it. But it’s not helping anyone by pretending it’s not going on because I know the person I’m speaking with has history, just like I do, whether it’s the specific sin I’ve had, maybe not, but they have history with it somehow some way and having conversations, discussing coming through person to person, human to human, woman to woman in this case. having those conversations as what’s going to help, it’s going to help having that awareness having that conversation. So, with this unification of sexual sin in all of us and that potentiality and all this I wanted to talk about some ways that I think are wise to move around this because I guess before I talked about more prescriptive I want to talk a little bit more descriptive about why some of these most incredible

  15:07
  people of God have fallen into sexual sin. One thing that I think is profound that it seems like people just don’t put their heads around is that our nature as humans, is the body, the soul and the spirit. And the body is where, you know, the sinful part of our nature is just when the fall happened, we, that’s that’s what was taken on and, and that ever gets the flesh, it’s not necessarily the body because God created the body. And, you know, let’s, let’s call it the flesh instead, where it’s more of our fleshly, sinful nature. And then the soul is more of our whether it’s our personality, or more of our uniqueness, that God designed, and then and then the Spirit is where God comes to us and, and shows us, you know, how He wants us to be in his will. And he speaks to us and teaches us and grows us, that’s more of the Spirit area. So that kind of paradigm is, I think, helpful in this conversation. So what I think happens is, people that are so in the spirit, they are so in touch with the spirit, so often, whether, you know, depending on what that means, whether it means that they are, you know, praying constantly, like it talks about in the Bible, it tells us to pray constantly. And it says pray in the Spirit. So maybe in your tradition, praying in the spirit means a certain thing. And maybe in another tradition, it means a different thing. The Praying constantly is something that God encourages us and asked us to do. And so maybe that’s something that you are really in is praying in the Spirit. So I think what happens is, sometimes we trust that, to the degree that we think our soul is completely in line with the Spirit, because we are so you know, involved in what God’s doing. And so our soul, you know, our personality, kind of the weather, it’s our emotions, you know, sometimes God comes to us through our emotions, and through those kinds of our strengths, that are more innate, more of God, given daily strengths that we rely on, you know, sometimes we think that that’s, you know, God’s will automatically without more so testing it or being discerning or waiting to determine. And then the last part is, is a lot of times we think that the fleshly part is, is more along the lines of what God wants. And, and and we don’t acknowledge that there is a sinful part of ourselves. That is innate, that is something we are constantly in battle with. And regardless of how much God is using us, in other areas, it doesn’t mean we can stand down against the lion. You know, it says, to always be on your guard and be watchful because our enemy roams around like, like a lion seeking who he can devour. And so what I think happens is, maybe this amazing preacher, you know, who God is using in these incredible ways, it feels like he is above the potential distressed or that the enemy wants because that’s what the enemy wants is disaster. For someone that’s being used by God. He doesn’t want there to be blessing or, or people being saved or the kingdom being expanded or, or lives being changed or hearts being kindly, gently healed. The enemy doesn’t want that the enemy wants families to be ravished and and ravaged and, and churches to be broken apart and communities to be severed. That’s what the enemy wants. So when pastors you know, become

  19:42
  lazy is not exactly what I’m trying to say but but stand down I guess they drop their guard because God is doing so much and we have to remember to be faithful in the small in the small things. So one thing that I think is important is to realize that when you pray with someone, it’s an intimate experience, especially one on one, especially with closed doors with an included an inclusive space. That is a very intimate experience. And I know you know, as believers, a lot of times we don’t want to pray in a coffee shop, as one person is crying, I mean, I understand that as being a challenge, but thinking about, Okay, this is a potential always no matter who it is, in the congregation, there is a potential here, female male, there is a potential here, we always need to be on guard. And a lot of times, you know, these things don’t start in a moment, they start over time. And so maybe the thought is, oh, there’s there’s no chemistry here, there’s no attraction. There’s years of difference, or we’re both married or whatever, there’s so many reasons why this would never be an issue. Obviously, we can pray together, obviously, we can, you know, talk about the Word of God, obviously, you know, whatever is fine for us, just the two of us. But then one conversation leads to another leads to another leads to another. And slowly, affection grows, and slowly, the opportunities arise. And when we are not on guard from the get go, those things have an opportunity to grow. So I think some people might say, yeah, that’s paranoid, you can’t be paranoid about sexual sin. And I don’t know. I mean, from what is going on in this world today, I think it makes sense to be paranoid. If that’s the word you want to use, I think it makes sense. I think the better word is to be on guard. sexual sin is real sexuality is real. Like I said, it’s every culture, every tribe, every tongue, sex is real, the attraction is real. God made it that way. It’s beautiful. That’s it. That’s the goal. You know, that’s not the goal necessarily, you know, single, there’s definitely a god. A gift. You know, but but in terms of anyone who’s not given the gift of singleness, marriage is supposed to be unifying and powerful. And that’s what sex is supposed to be supposed to be incredibly powerful. And so when, when pastors, for example, go on tour, and they’re far away from their family, that’s a dangerous thing. There are need, there needs to be not only boundaries in place to make sure that the pastor, whether it’s a woman or a man needs to be safe, you know, that if it’s a woman that women are, are traveling with her, I think if it’s a man that men are traveling with him, and that somehow some way there are sexual ways of connecting with their spouse, while they’re away, I truly do think that that is a good thing to have in place. So whether that’s, you know, especially with technology nowadays, videos together, maybe somehow you have private photos, that you’ve exchanged something some way that there’s a sexual connection, even while you’re away, maybe it’s writing wonderful, juicy letters to each other, maybe it’s having, you know, panties that you put in the other’s briefcase, you know, text messages, these kinds of things that keep you all connected on a on a sexual attraction, so that the mind does not travel towards the sexual cues that are in the area, because I think these are truly real realities. Yeah, so I, so So those are kind of kind of some prescriptive things. To just keep in mind, but I think the other thing is to have grace with those that fall. Because we are all susceptible, every single one of us, you know, I tell my husband sometimes, you know, when we’re,

  24:44
  like, I’m trying to think of this specific situation, but when somehow it comes up or, you know, I feel like it’d be helpful to have a conversation around whether or not it’s pornography or whatever, and I, you know, I just, I treat the situation like It’s a possibility. It’s always a possibility, no matter how incredibly erotic and wonderful our sex life is, and it is, it’s wonderful. But there’s a possibility no matter what, because of our sinful nature, no matter who you are, no matter how much, and how incredible my husband as he is, he’s incredibly faithful, incredibly loyal, incredibly kind and in guarding of his heart, but at the same time, he is a sinful person, that’s just part of the flesh that he is, and so am I. And I think he should treat me the same way. And it’s the grace of, you know, at any time, and you know, we need to be on guard for this. But at the same time, we need to have grace with each other, and not have this iron clad. I don’t know if ironclad is the right word to describe it. But you know, this deity, and that’s ready to drop any time someone makes a mistake. I truly believe that if my husband were to go out of the, the confines of our marriage, you know, my aim and my goal, and my decision now would be to forgive, regardless of the of the hurt and the pain and the challenge, if there would be a way to amend and forgive that is what my, my goal in my heart would be at this point. And that’s what I think the reality of sexual sin and the reality of sexual temptation would be, is strong enough that, that we truly need to have that. And I think having the safety net, of recognizing that actually strengthens a marriage rather than saying, no, what you have is a wrong terrible secret. And you should never share anything negative like that with me, because I will, I will have a as a horrible consequence for you. If that makes sense. Then what that does is separate a couple from the very getgo, from the very beginning of a temptation, it separates a couple. So when I said that, you know, let’s say, a pastor and a woman in the church, let’s say, a woman, you know, needs help, because maybe her marriage is on the rocks, and she’s crying, and the pastor, you know, brings her into his office and prays for her. And then months later, it turns into an affair. That very first situation, should result in conversations with the spouse, where the pastor has told his wife about the situation where the wife has told or, you know, maybe that situation because the marriage is on the rocks, that’s not a perfect thing. But the wife should be telling her girlfriends, there should never be secrecy. And these kinds of things, in the beginning, marriages should be unified, they should not allow that secrecy. If there’s a situation, it needs to be shared in the beginning, you know, another very sad situation that I saw talk on recently was a man, a preacher for 25 years who started churches, was an incredible preacher ended up becoming a transgender, female, and having the the the sex change, and very sad, left the church and the faith and was all about LGBTQ rights now. And it’s just a sad, very, very sad situation, because so many people are affected by it. So many people. And I just wonder, you know, what kind of secrecy was happening during this process of him making this decision? You know, how was there such a separation between he and his wife, that this could have occurred over however long they were married? He’s got adult children, so I’m sure they’ve been married for 3035 years, at least. Maybe 40?

  29:13
  How was this a secret for that long, or whether it was 20 years of developed? Focus? You know, that kind of decision doesn’t happen in an instant, takes a long time. And if we are not, if we don’t have the openness and the awareness that that these things happen, then they go in secret, and then you have a secret life of focus on something that is not of God, you have a secret life of focus and whatever we focus on grows. So if you are focusing on this temptation to for example, for this gentleman, a temptation to be a woman, that if he’s focused on these things, you know, his direction could have been entirely Different, entirely different, what could have happened is for him to discuss this with his wife, and it might have been hurtful in the beginning for her, but as she loves him the way that He desires to be loved what she could do is, you know, how does this actually get talked about? Like, okay, what, you know, what are the? What are the things that that does really turn you on and make you feel excited in bed? And how do you, you know, that kind of thing. And maybe what he prefers is that he prefers more of her being aggressive, or maybe he prefers more of her taking control. Or maybe he prefers that he doesn’t have to be super, you know, testosterone filled guy, and he can be more of the sensitive man that God created him to be uniquely created his personality to be on purpose. Before we go on, I just want to cut in here and mention that if this gentleman came to my church, I would embrace him, I would hug him, I would ask him how he’s doing, I would maybe invite him to coffee, invite him to our house. This is a person that God loves. And that’s what God sees when he sees this person. And I know that that would be my reaction, because my husband and I have a close friend from the neighborhood, who is transgender, and we love, love, love that person, and their family. And we don’t know what God’s gonna do, but my job is to love them. And my job is to care about them, and pray for them, and not to judge because it says in the Bible, Judge not lest ye be judged to the same level as you are judging someone else. So I encourage you, this is a hot button topic right now. But when was the last time we even talked about greed, but it’s in the same list. But we high five and, you know, throw parties for people, they get promotions and get higher raises. But is that something we even consider in this day and age, so why is one sin higher than the other? That is a little bit of commentary from my part. But I think it is worth saying very clearly, that love, love, love. Rather than judge, judge, Judge, God will judge me. And when someone is loved deeply by Christians, the Bible convicts, man, the Bible of the Holy Spirit convicts, he can do that all on his own, he does not need me to be judging. Maybe if an individual came to me, and, you know, convicted and asked me for direction, that would be an opportunity to discuss more deeply theologically. But in this juncture, my default is to love. You know, God has done that maybe that gentleman needed to be have a profession that was a little bit more centered on on what would have been helpful for him, maybe he could have been, you know, maybe some kind of therapist for other young men that are going through this or counselors or he could have been open and honest with this. Prior to suddenly the stark decision that ended up wrecking his family and his his children are in the ministry to and, and the kind of mourning and grieving they had to do for it to affect every everyone that he has ever known and everyone that has ever been a part of His ministry and been affected by his work, you know, there are so many other ways it could have gone and his wife could have impacted that situation years and years and years ago.

  34:04
  If there had been an openness if there had been a grace if there had been a reality of sexuality and sin, and, and temptation there. We all have it, all of us. All of it. It’s the it’s not a question of if it’s just the question of which, which sexual sin which sexual temptation are you most inclined to? And how can that be met and, and directed and guided within your marriage and, and within your life? You know, how can you serve the kingdom with that? challenge with that temptation? How can you mentor young people? How can you help system change systems change so that people are more protected if you were sexually abused? Maybe that’s something that that you can help To protect other children, how are things able to be different because of your experience because of what you’ve been through and, and what you go through now in your mind, and intimidations. So, again, I want to kind of just sum up, you know, first of all, sexual sin is real, it unifies all of us, every denomination struggles with this and don’t, don’t think that, that your denomination is is unique, to not have this struggle. It’s it’s true, it’s real. It’s all of us. And it’s you too. And it’s your marriage too. And that’s okay. And having that acknowledgement, having that awareness is actually going to guard you, because that’s what it says in the Bible is to stay on your guard, stay on watch, you know, regardless of how good God is, is doing in your life and in your ministry, and in your business, and all of these things, stay on guard, he will be using your strengths, the enemy wants to destroy everything that God is doing. And sexual sin is one of those places that the enemy can destroy. So easily, so quickly. And then the other thing is have grace, have grace with those that, that, that fall, have grace with those that sin and pray for them, forgive them and pray for them, and pray for every person that has been horribly hurt by them. And you know, this gentleman in Florida, I pray for, you know, I was hurt, I was angry, I was mad, took me a long time to pray for those that have been hurt. Because God was doing amazing things. But you know, he will still do amazing things, He is God. It’s not over. And he you know, God needed to, to humble him and humble all of us and all of us are, have the flesh that that are susceptible. So let me go ahead and pray for you and, and see what God wants to do in this prayer. Father, I thank you for this person on the other side, that you love them, and you’re with them and whatever sexual sin that they struggle with now, or have struggled with, or have seen others struggle with God, I pray that you’d give them the grace of God to see that with new eyes, Lord, that there would be awareness there would be openness, God with their spouse, with their girlfriends, with someone of the same sex to talk about to have healthy conversations, healthy awareness, God, and to bring it before you got and, and not feel ashamed, but to feel that you can work through this, that there is not. There is not a reason for fear, or for shame. But anyone that feels like that if they discussed their sin with someone else, that they could listen to this podcast, for example, and have a common language to discuss what’s really going on in their lives and in their hearts. And they can walk through this sin or shame with someone that they are not alone, that they are not unique in this and God can use it for His glory.

  38:31
  So God, I just pray that you would guard the marriage that’s on that’s on this in this conversation with me right now guard their marriage, God, help them to be creative and how to guard it to Lord, give them the tools they need to be really sexually wonderful with each other god, if it’s the right thing, Lord, that they would take my seduction course or take my delight your husband course, so that they can become really sexually excited by one another and encourage each other’s erotic side, the side that you made, and you designed and you said it was good when you made it in Adam and Eve, and that they should not be ashamed of it. So I pray God that you would do what you think is best in their hearts and in their lives.

  39:25
  Thank you for what you’re doing in Jesus name, Amen. All right. Well, thank you so much for listening in.

  39:36
  I hope that it has been insightful, inspiring, something that you’re going to take away for your marriage this week, and in the weeks to come. Once again, I invite you to webinar with me. Setting goals in Godswill go to courageous, stop calm. That’s courage. S s.com. And I encourage you To sign up and quickly because I have limited space on the webinars so people have tuned in from all over the world on my webinars and I just, it’s always been a really great time. So, God bless you. I’m really excited to speak with you very soon live. All right tocsin Nivea.

  40:24
  Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion.