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We argued yesterday. Knives were involved. Well truthfully, it was a disagreement at a restaurant. But the actual emotions happened way before the restaurant. My husband is on the show again (back by popular demand!) to tell how he was feeling and what he did and why.
Why is this important for your intimacy? A wife wants to make love to a man she feels safe with. If you’re arguing in a way that makes her feel unsafe, then you’re repelling her from the very thing you crave.
I want to share this podcast because I think we have HORRIBLE examples of marital conflict. We take our cues from movies, dramas, chick flicks and sitcoms. All of which have very unhealthy and hurtful aspects.
I want to give you a vision of a REALLY GOOD conflict. One where each of us weren’t “perfect”. But each of us allowed our value of intimacy, connection and love to be higher than our emotions and impulses.
I hope this gives you encouragement and inspiration in your next emotional challenge between the two of you. There’s another way and there are specific tools you can use to NOT leave you or your spouse bloody and bruised rhetorically.
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If you’re a wife and interested in the 5 Tips To Amazing Seduction go to www.delightyourmarriage.com/5tips
If you’re a husband and interested in transforming your marriage to one of friendship and PASSION, go to www.delightyourmarriage.com/call and sign up for a FREE 40 min call ($500 value) and we will dive deep into what is blocking your intimacy and what are next steps for you!
transcript
0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage. All right, welcome, welcome. This is belah rose. And I’m really excited that you’re joining me today. So what I wanted to do in this show, is, I guess the the heart behind this show is to help people have healthy marriages, healthy families, and ultimately, that they can do God’s work better because they’re overflowing with love through their marriage. And so what I think is really important is for us to get a vision of healthy disagreements. Now, of course, if you’re a human, and you’re living with another human, you’re going to have differences of opinions, and I’m here with my amazing husband. Hello. And we’re gonna, we’re gonna walk through step by step, a recent disagreement that we had, in fact, yesterday. And the reason I wanted to really show you exactly what it sounded like, from our perspective, is because we have so many examples of very unhealthy disagreements. It’s constant from movies and TV shows and sitcoms, things that are funny. So maybe we’ll laugh about it, or maybe it’s a drama, so we’re crying about it. But it’s not a healthy disagreement. So how often do we actually get to see, wow, that that was healthy, no one left feeling, you know, lonely or hurt or angry? How did they leave from a disagreement where they still felt connected, respected, and they still felt loved. And I gotta tell you, for you men out there, the biggest turnoff for a woman is when she doesn’t feel safe in her marriage. And so that’s so important that you are careful with your words with your arguments. So we’re going to talk a lot about that. And before I dive in further, I want to invite you to go to delight your marriage.com/five tips. Tip s, if you want the top five tips I have for seduction. And once you get on my list, I will be sending you more information and content around that. But that’s kind of something a little separate than our call today. But I wanted to make sure that you got that information. So www dot delight your marriage.com/five tips. Alrighty. So as we had planned. I wanted to kind of start us off talking about what happened yesterday. Do you want to tell the story before we actually play act? Our conversation? I feel like
3:05
you’re, you’re better to tell the story.
3:10
Oh, well, my husband has actually a much better memory than me. So if I get anything wrong, I hope that he’ll jump in. Okay. So here’s what happened is, I woke up yesterday with this intention that I was like, okay, the desk is coming today, we’re going to be able to organize it, I’m so excited. You know, I’ve been kind of working with a much smaller desk, and it really wasn’t working to be fully organized. And really. So anyway, so the desk was finally coming. So excited about it, woke up, do my normal thing in the mornings. And then I checked online, and it said the desk was delivered. And I was like, but it’s not here. So talk to our super went downstairs checked every floor just in case they delivered it to the wrong floor. Because if you don’t know we live in Manhattan, so there’s lots of floors to check. And then I called them and they’re like, Oh, it was actually delivered to this address, which is probably three blocks down the street, two blocks down the street. And I was like, okay, so I walked over to that address, tried to get inside the gate, and turns out it was unlocked. So I was able to get in, but I wasn’t able to get inside the actual building. So I called a friend who actually lives in that building. But that building happens to have probably, I mean, it’s like a complex with so many stairs. It is beyond. Yes, there are so many stairs. So I was like and there’s no elevators in the building. It’s all walkups anyway, so I called my friend He gave me the SuperS name and number. So I called the Super and the super. He was like, Well, how do we know that you own the package? I was like, well, it’s got my name on it. You know, I’m happy to set it up. So anyway, he said he would call me back. So then I actually found another door to the same place I was looking to go into, and it was unlocked. So I went in there. I went up the stairs, again, another flight of stairs. And there was the package. And guess whose name was it was on it? Mine, but the wrong address. So, so great. And anyway, my friend called me back and was like, so super said, you know, he wants to make sure you’re the right person. Do you happen to have your ID on you did it uh, so the super came and I was like, actually have a picture of my idea. So I, I texted him, and I gave him the thing. Okay, so great. So then the package is definitely mine. It’s definitely there. And I’m trying to move it. And it’s crazy heavy. How heavy Do you think it was?
6:00
Yeah, I think probably like, I don’t know, more than 50 pounds. Yeah, I would estimate 77 Do you think I would think so, like 70 to 80 pounds, and my husband
6:14
is very strong. But 70 to 80 pounds is a difficult one for me. So anyway, we have a hand truck at home. So I came home, emptied the closet, because of course the hand trick is at the very back of the closet, after the closet, brought it back to the place. And remember, there’s all those steps. So I’ve got to, like, move the hand track, you know, try to wiggle it up. These steps in hand tracks are not very light. And I had back problems in the past. So I was a little nervous about that. Meanwhile, I called my husband several times, because I was like, in my head thinking, Well, it’d be wonderful to have some help here. And I thought he was going to be home this whole time. So anyway, we’ll talk more about that later. But ultimately, what happened is I got the package with the hand truck. And incredibly, I got the package onto the hand truck. And amazingly, I was able to find a way out of the building that included no more stairs. So after I had, you know, shimmy my way up with the hand truck this whole time, all these stairs, all these stairs, and then amazingly, get the package on there. And then there’s like one path that goes straight to the street without any stairs. So then all I had to do was like the four stairs that were left. But in the meantime, while all this stair stuff was happening, I had called my husband like probably four or five times. And I did leave a message and I did probably text you several times. Alright, so there’s the context. That’s the story. My husband did come. And he said he was actually at a field trip with my older son. And, and right afterwards, he came and he actually set up the whole desk, and we’re standing right next to it, which looks awesome. But when he came home, I was like, are you okay? Because he was quiet and kind of you know, shut down a little bit. So he and I just kind of worked quietly together on this desk, and it was very complicated to set up. Alright, I think that’s the story.
8:31
I think so. And the reason why my wife says that I’m quiet
8:39
is because when I know I frustrating math. Because if I wanted to say a lot of things, right.
8:51
But I know if I, if I speak right there when I’m when I’m angry and frustrated. I know I will say a lot of things I didn’t mean to and a lot of things. A lot of times happened this to people, when we are angry that we just say whatever we feel at the moment, or the moment whatever we feel and then but you know, we forget about those words. So that will stay with us. But whatever the person say that to us. And so that’s why I usually wouldn’t like that. I’m quiet. I don’t talk too much. Yeah, and after that, you know, after all that we me and my wife and kids, we went somewhere you know to just spend time with our family. And we talk about it. We talk about what happened. But we were in like nice speaking each other. I don’t know if he if if you’re like me or I’m like you. And we were mad. We don’t we don’t talk to each other. We just kind of like, kind of roommates. And I feel like we, we need to talk about it because yeah, that about being roommates. It will, eventually we’ll end it and you had to speak to your spouse. So how long will you wait to? To talk to her or him?
10:28
Okay, so the scene is we’re sitting there at the restaurant, the kids are, you know, writing with their crayons, or whatever. And we already had our food, or maybe we were waiting for our food or something. And you started sharing with me? Just maybe the general gist of what you were sharing. Do you remember what you started with?
10:48
Yeah, but here’s one thing that I remember why I started speaking, is when we’re when our kids here. They come back from school. And then you were saying, Thank you, thank you so much for helping me to set up the desk. And you said a few times. I appreciate it. What you did it, and that helped me to calm myself down. Because I feel like even though she’s she was upset, even I was upset, but she still appreciated. Whatever I did, you know, because you said, you know, I really appreciate. Thank you for helping me. And I feel that I don’t know, a piece that we’re not mad at least the level of, of me being upset that when to almost not at all.
11:46
Awesome. Okay, so it sounds like just being appreciative and not pushing the fact that I could tell you’re upset was helpful for you.
11:55
Yeah, I feel like just the word. Appreciate. You know, even though you, your viewer, disappointed, whatever, but just you appreciate it. It means so much. You know, it means so much when when you Sarah, thank you for helping me. Oh, that looks awesome. All your excitement in are still upset. But I feel like just the here the you being you appreciate it. It helped me a lot to calm myself down. And thus that’s why you know, the conversation was was different. Yeah. I feel like you know, just right now, when you prayed about when we prayed about people when when they’re upset that they can just wait and come to cells down. So they don’t have they won’t hurt. You know, the loved ones. Right? Right. You know, because I feel like our our words are very powerful. Yeah, you know, I tell you what it what I used to feel when when you’re upset. Tell me? Well, I used to feel when you’re upset that you want to divorce me. I feel like you’re gonna leave me. And you’re going to take my kids, and we’re going to go, what am I going to do and all those things, just things stuck in my head. And every time we’re taking the train, I see those signs that says about a cheaper way to spend for divorce. All those things, and I feel like every time we get an argument and I had this anxiety that you want to left me that you want to divorce me.
13:52
Do you mind? Do you know why that is in your mind? Or was in your
13:58
was in my mind? I don’t know. I feel like we were dealing a little different. Our when we get when we get upset, we were dealing a little different. And I feel like I needed I need that. secureness to hear from you. Yeah. That because you this way you said a lot of things and I encourage you husband or wife to tell each other how can I love you more? I think that’s very powerful. Because I feel like my wife is doing a lot you know, dealing with me and all those things and she keeps saying i How can I love you more? Or how are you feeling? And I feel like when we were upset? I feel like she’s wanting to divorce me and then and I I told her that how I was feeling And then remember that you’re holding my hand. And you’re holding my hand and you say, like, how do you how how long you were feeling about this? So I don’t know. But it’s been a little while. And she says that that can you cannot think about those things and never want to leave you, whatever the struggles, the issues that we want to have that we all going to have. You know, that’s part of our marriage, that we grow in a healthy way. And I hurt each other, but in a healthy way, because we were hurting each other. And I feel like that you tell me that you’re not going to this such a thing? It helped me to, to calm myself down. Yeah.
15:49
Yeah, I appreciate that. I remember, one thing that used to trigger me because of the way I was raised was leaving an argument. While everyone’s still upset. I remember. That was something that what I saw modeled for me was you got so so upset that you walked out of the room and slammed the door. That was, that was kind of the model thing. And so I felt very triggered for me, if and when that would happen. And you didn’t I mean, it’s not like that was something that you did, I know, I would be very afraid that that was going to happen that you were just going to leave as a result of getting upset. And I say that because I think like you mentioned, honey, we all have triggers, we all have triggers that influence the way we respond to conflict and conflict, something that you definitely don’t like, it’s something I don’t like, either. But it’s definitely not as strong for you in terms of, you’re probably, you know, nine out of 10, you’ll avoid conflict, maybe six out of 10 all avoid conflict. But, um, but anyway, so. So it sounds like just in terms of, was there anything you wanted to say as a result or anything else?
17:10
No, I just the data for you to help me to feel that it’s just we’re having a disagreement as a husband and wife, nothing more escalate? Yeah, you know, we just having a disagreement that everybody? Everybody does, I feel like if you never have a disagreement you you’re not growing. You know, you’re not growing, you’re not learning. And you will eventually we’ll have it. Yeah. You know, like, some people get frustrated that you first you get frustrated in my ear, and I want to tell your spouse, so you just keep smiling, everything is fine. I feel like so your spouse or not knowing you, you know, it’s not getting to know you, right? So you just pretend that everything is fine. And I feel like we got to stop pretending that everything is fine, because not everything is fine. Yeah. You know, and I feel like yes, you tell me to affirm that we just having a disagreement like other spouse have.
18:14
Yeah. And I think back then I didn’t know as much as I know now around a healthy communication and how to respond to significant feelings. Well, instead of being defensive and arguing back and, you know, sometimes I like that you’re saying the word disagreement, because I like to talk about that. We don’t have arguments, we’ll have disagreements, but at this stage of our marriage, I encourage people not to have arguments to this level of intensity and negative words. And we’re both people leave the conversation hurt and bloodied and bruised, you know, rhetorically speaking, you know, obviously, not physically, but Well, hopefully not physically. But anyway, the point is that the idea is for you to have a disagreement. And I, I want to kind of give you kind of the tools for that. But before I go into that, specifically, I love how you said that. If we’re not open and honest with each other, who are you having a relationship with, you’re not being honest with each other, and that that’s going to affect you because you’re not being who you are. Here’s what I want to clarify that and this is something that I think is really helpful for people who are, let’s say, really struggling in their marriage right now. I think sometimes people who are really, really struggling in their marriage, they will look let’s say there are two out of 10 in their marriage, they’re just really having challenges. They might look at a marriage. That’s nine out of 10 and use that advice. and think it’s going to help them in their marriage. And I don’t think that’s true, I don’t think that’s going to work. Because my husband and I have a level of trust and safety and care and compassion that we have built to our nine, often 10 out of 10 marriage, that I can be much more open with him about my heart because he deserves it. And I know it’s safe. And I know, I can present it in a way that’s kind and generous to him as well. But if we’re at a two at a 10, and I try to be this open, more than likely he would, you know, a lot of times people, their spouse will respond with being hurt, because they’re already defensive, or they’re gonna respond in sarcasm, because they don’t feel like this, this genuine, mutual kindness towards each other. There’s all sorts of things. So what I encourage you to do is, first of all start with thinking about how healthy is your marriage right now? Is it to attend three out of 10, four out of 10, five out of 10? Where are you is it, you know, 10 out of 10. And then with that in mind, think about your level of openness, it doesn’t mean that you’re going to be dishonest with your spouse, but it it, it clarifies how open you’re going to be with your spouse. Because we as people, we have to protect our hearts. And sometimes that means protecting it from our, our marriage partner, if they’re not safe with our heart at that point. So you share what’s going to be a good, what’s going to be strategic, what’s going to help you guys move forward. But you’re not necessarily going to share all of your hurts or your difficulties or the pains or your feelings because they might not be the right person right now, to share in that. Does that making sense to you? Honey, what do you Oh,
21:47
yes, you just say, a beautiful way. Yeah, just say, you say very, very good way. I feel like, you know, when you said about the spas, when you’re I just don’t understand why people are screaming, why people scream? Like, what do you gain from that screaming for the person to hear from you. So he can understand you how you’re feeling. And then the other person two things, the other person that is going to listen to you will not listen to you by will hear you screaming, he or she will yell back. Or she or he shot herself. And one say a word. And then you get frustrated, why should not or he didn’t respond. And that stays in that stays. And every time you know, probably forget about it. But it stays. And then you have the next argument. And then the same thing. And they start building this this feeling about a screaming or certain words that you say to your spouse, and then eventually that will that he or she’s holding it for so long that it will it will come out that you cannot take it anymore. And it will come out on people that you love mostly. And those people will get hurt emotionally. I think Yeah. I I just don’t understand why people you know, yell to each other, you know, my family, I see that each other and you know, I I say certain things but I know I am not in their relationship. So I cannot say like, Why? Why are you yelling? Why are you why are you saying certain things to your wife or husband? You know, they’re the ones that know and hard to learn how to how to argue. Like, you know, we just talked about it. Because I feel like you know for one one simple example right? My my my brother He’s a year older than me and you know he’s happened some you know, some disagreements with his wife and something almost in something happened. Something happened that thank God that nothing really bad happen. It could really really, it could really bad happen but things didn’t happen and he has To do the work that his wife do, and then he sees that she was doing a lot of work. Just just at home, forget about everything else. Just a home and and you know, I talk about you know, more I do this, my wife who Bella, and this is all this things. And he was joking he was like, Maybe I should talk to you and give me some some classes. And I, I feel like you know, he hear for from Bella to so all this podcast, I feel like I’m learning a lot from her some things that that I did not like a new buddy not know. Like I knew she likes to place things, but in I didn’t know that she loves this things. I don’t know if it makes sense. But I feel like you get it. Get to know your spouse more in things, you know that. We don’t like disagreements, we like everything to be smooth, we come home happy smile, our kids, you know the run through the door and hug you. But that’s not every day that you will feel like that. Because you will feel
26:34
frustrated at your work of someone, someone, someone else will your wife and who you’re spending the most time with, you know, your spouse, I think, I hope and you’re going through everything that to this person, to whatever you’re feeling. And we had to be careful about how we can be for that person to to, to let us know how he or she’s feeling. And we had to stop. I feel like this thing we had to stop. When the person is talking to us, we had to stop talking. Because a lot of times we just want to tell maybe I’m wrong. But a lot of times as soon as we men I think as soon as our wives are speaking beer automatically want to fix, fix the problem or tell her maybe you should do this. Maybe you should say these things. Why would you say this thing is that’s why you’re feeling like this? It’s why are you feeling like this? It’s not a big deal. Right? And I know, I know because I know some people that that’s what they they do. Very close friends and that’s that’s what they do. They just wanted to tell what to do to their wives and instead maybe their wife or husband just wanted to feel heard.
28:12
Yeah. Yeah, that’s awesome.
28:17
Yeah, just I don’t know, just, I just want to say thank you to, to you, wives. That if you if you I believe if you really believe and do the work or whatever Bella’s teaching you to do if you do it the same as husbands. I feel I will guarantee that you will, you will see and look and experience and different ways that they used to experience on everything these agreements hug to your spouse and I you know, you started looking differently. Everything, everything, everything in your life through work, friends, your wife and kids. You know, I want to I want what is this? I think I heard someone that it says that. The one of the best things to be a good father is to be a good husband. You know, something like that like to be a good father is is to
29:41
Yeah, I think that’s that’s the right code. It sounds like to me.
29:45
That sounds awesome. To get to give the best. I don’t know. I can’t remember something. Oh, I know. Is it the best gift you could give to your kids is to love your to love your wife. Slow your wife? Yeah, I think that’s, that’s what it was.
30:05
Awesome. Well it can I add a couple things that you mentioned. Yeah. You’ve actually said this to me plenty, but something along the lines of your spouse is the one that can hurt you the most. And so, if you think about every other relationship in your life, when you have an issue with your friends, your boss, your pastor, your cousin, your mom, like, we spend so much time thinking about you, maybe not your mom depends on the level, what your relationship is like, but hopefully your mom do. We spend so much time contemplating how is how should we say things, how does, you know not going to offend them, but also is going to get the point across and we consider all these things. And yet, it’s like, we don’t even think about it with our spouse. But as you’ve told me, many times, honey, truly, I can hurt you the most of anyone in the entire world. And you me as well. And so I guess I want to just underscore that for the person listening, that you are the person that can hurt, or love and help your spouse the most over anyone else in the world. So that was one thought. And then the other thought I had was, I think that I wanted to actually share something that was from a husband that worked with me. And this is several months after he graduated from the program. But it makes me think of what you were saying in terms of how people can actually change and their marriages can completely change. So he says, I emailed to ask him how things are going. He says, Now on the more important stuff, my wife and I, things have been going extremely well. lately. I think over the last few months, we’ve gotten a lot closer. We’ve been spending a lot of time together on weekends. And then he gave some examples. And then he says she is actually now this before we started working together, he felt like she was controlling, he had to walk on eggshells, he would hope that they would make love but he wasn’t sure if that would happen or she would reject him. She felt like making love was a duty, he would always be the only one initiating. And there was just a lot of tension between them. And it felt like he would prioritize his sorry, it felt like she prioritized her kids above him. And it was very hurtful. Anyway, this is what he said in this email. She has actually been requesting spending time with me a lot lately. It’s really quite nice. It seems like we spent all of our weekends together, I can’t really remember the last time I did something without her, which is again something that he wanted. If we’re not spending time, just the two of us, then we’ve pretty much been spending time together with the rest of the family. I was actually giving gratitude to the Lord this morning for that. Oh, and then he goes so I’m sure you’re wondering about the intimacy in our marriage. Let’s just say that I’ve been incredibly happy with our sex life. I still haven’t initiated she does all the initiating. She has also let her guard down to the point excuse me to the point of exploring other avenues of lovemaking. I think I told you before that she was not comfortable with me pleasuring her but this is certainly not the case now that she’s been able to let herself go to have deeper orgasms, which turns me on even more lol it’s been really really good. Anyway, I’m just rambling now I could go on and on but let me just end with this like to say thank you belah for helping me understand my wife better and in turn making our marriage better. So
34:05
that was wonderful. Yeah, yeah, that is that is wonderful, you know, and I gotta say this thing, someone in left review on the podcast. And she said and that person says that belah never always put God first. Always put guards hurt. Always put God first the she does not say it and feel that she’s better than anyone else. Because that we are not but better than anyone else. God is better than everything else. You know, she create Bella me everything that we enjoy here in this world. And why not to say thank you to him. You know, why not? And just sent a prayer that to that we appreciate all the things that the words that we speak, you know, we, we can prepare all these things. So what we want to say it like, don’t prepare, I just feel like there’s words that come in my mouth this from from God, whatever he want me to say. And I just want to say thank you for, for those people that left a review. And for this, I’ve been thinking about this person left a review about that he was looking for someone to look up to. And as my wife was reading that review, I get to say almost, almost cry because that you don’t know how you impact other people’s intimacy, or whatever your words will say you don’t. You just say it, and it’s out there. And for that person, I feel like it means it means so much. You know, and I don’t, I’m not really talk, talk kind of person. But that that person, it really means so much. And I’ve been thinking about I think almost every day, I feel like that person matters, whatever I said, What are we said, because I feel like we are nothing, absolutely nothing. If it wasn’t for God, we always put God first. And then is it’s the recipe. And I feel like we we we constantly remind ourselves about we had to do every case is very, very, extremely easy to forget about that and go out on our own ways. And I just want to say thank you to that person. Why don’t look at reviews. So how to look at other reviews. Try not to be trying not to. And I you know, I look at our reviews because I listened to your podcast, too. And while I had to say thank you for the positive review, and thank you husbands for all the work that you’re doing for your wife, it might seem that you’re doing all the work and nothing has happened. It will happen. Trust, you know, pray and trust. What else can you can you do not force that person. You know, make that person to do what you want what you like, that person will stay far, far away from you. And I will guarantee that you’re not going to enjoy like it. And here’s another thing that when I went to visit my mom she was telling me I should do this this and I must be this this. And my sister. She was like Mom, why are you talking to D like this? It was a Yeah, because he looks like he’s he doesn’t smile that off. He’s not caring person. My sister told my mom, I was there. She says these not the same person. years ago. The person that he knows the most is Bella
38:41
Why do you? Why do you think she always keeps hugging? hugging him or kissing him or just hold his hand? You know, there’s something there’s something these not the same person years ago. She’s the one who knows. That meant the most. And you I think I think that’s true. Our spouse seen us emotionally. When we are angry when they’re upset when we enjoy when we when we are sad when we cry. I feel like no one else and we go out on the world you know with a with a smile or whatever, but nobody knew that. You just cry last night with your with your wife, whatever you’re feeling. And I feel like that person you know it’s your spouse.
39:32
Yeah. Yeah, I think that’s beautiful. Thank you, honey.
39:36
Yes. So I had to go. Okay.
39:43
Thank you. I’ll wrap up with you today. Okay, so my final thoughts were about what happened at the restaurant. I want to just wrap up for you. So essentially, he was telling me calmly, but he was telling me how he was feeling. And so as he was talking, I waited, I calmly just waited. And some of the things I didn’t think were accurate, necessarily based on what he was saying. And I felt like my perspective was different, all of that. But I just waited until he was finished. And then I reflected back what I thought he was saying. So I said, it sounds like you were feeling X, Y, and Z. And I even used a lot of the same words that he was using to me, because what that does is it helps him to feel understood. And so if you’re about to have an argument with your spouse, I would encourage you to wait and focus on reflective listening, because it gives you something to focus on. So you’re not focused on Oh, what am I going to defend? How am I going to respond to this? You know, accusation? Or you’re interpreting it as an accusation. But instead it makes you focus on, okay, how can I understand the other person, and then they feel understood, and it helps them to calm down too, because then they’re like, Okay, well, if the other person understands me, then we can actually have a real conversation. But if we’re just talking past each other, the frustration is actually on the feeling like the person doesn’t care about you feeling like they don’t care about your perspective. And then every negative word that comes on top of that, the accusations and the, the judgments, and all that kind of stuff. So I reflected back. And then I also asked if, what I said to him on the phone, when I left the message, did he feel like I was being disrespectful. And as a wife to say that to her husband, I think that’s really important because for men, I love how Laura Doyle says respect is like oxygen. So if you are disrespecting your spouse, it’s it’s not we they just don’t respond to it the same way as women do. Women, I don’t think we care as much in this in the same way. But for men, it’s it’s a much bigger deal. And so it’s much easier for me to just say, Did it feel like I was disrespecting you? And he said, No, it didn’t feel like I was being disrespectful. So that’s, you know, that’s assuring. And it also means that, you know, points on just not having points, I’m just making a joke, like, I did a good job of not being disrespectful, even in the midst of frustration. So I’m excited about that. That was good. And then the last thing is, after I reflectively listened and really heard him and he felt understood, I asked him if it was okay if I shared my perspective, or I shared my feelings of what happened. And he said that was okay. And then I shared the whole story that I just went through with you of what really happened in my perspective. So he could hear why I would have been upset and why, you know, the hand truck was heavy and XY and Z, and how typically, he tells me where he’s going. And typically I tell him where I’m going. And that’s our normal. So it was unusual for me not to know where he was, he could have been downtown for all I knew. And so we were able to have that conversation in a calm way.
43:15
It wasn’t even elevated, like I’m talking to you right now, as you can tell, my husband is a very kind of calm, man. And so when I talk to him, I try to meet him at that level, I don’t try to make him come up to my level. Because that’s not dying to ourselves. We want to serve our spouse and come to their level, meet them on where they are. And I think the last encouragement I want to give you is when you’re in the midst of a disagreement, I want you to extend the timeline, you do not have to figure out that disagreement right now. You just don’t you don’t, don’t don’t let the enemy lie to you and say you’re in a rush. So everything goes whatever you are thinking in the moment or you just don’t, everything can wait. That’s you know, life is long, life is not short, life is long. And I want to just invite you to consider that. You don’t have to do 98% of what you do all day long. You don’t you’re not a victim to time, God has given you time, you can have rest, He gives His children rest. So I want to just invite you to extend the timeline on arguments so that you know you can have a positive interaction. And maybe that starts sorting through the feelings but maybe that’s not the end. Maybe you spend five minutes there and then you just kind of enjoy yourself for the rest of the evening and then you spend 10 minutes a couple days from there and you kind of continue to sort things out but it doesn’t have to be all in one fell swoop that you get everything talked out everything’s on the table, because you might do that but really hurt your spouse and like my husbands said earlier, they’ll never like you can always remember and call to mind what your spouse said about you or said to you. It’s not that you can take those words back. So I want to just invite you and encourage you to take arguments very seriously. Don’t have them, like literally don’t have arguments, and instead, challenge yourself to have a disagreement. And it calmly and reflectively. Listen, and dissipate it as as much as you can in the moment with appreciation and recognition, and apologies. And all of those things are godly characteristics. It doesn’t mean that one person one and one person lost. That’s not it at all, you both lose if you lose intimacy and connection with each other. But you both win. If you gain intimacy and connection with each other, doesn’t matter who quote goes first. Just do it doesn’t matter. Just do it. Alright, well, God bless you, my husband, and I did pray for you before we had this conversation, but I want to pray for you right now. So Lord, I just lift up the person on the other end of this microphone, and I thank you for them. I thank you for their heart, I thank you that they listened to this long recording, about arguing and disagreeing and all that stuff. And I pray whatever you needed them to hear is what they would hear and what they would walk away with God. And I pray that anything that they didn’t, that they would just leave behind, and I pray God that if there’s any shame or feelings like, Oh, I wish I had known this years ago, or even last night, I just pray in Jesus name, that the enemy would not lie to them, that I have done that I have been in their shoes, they don’t have to feel ashamed. God, you don’t lead us to shame. You lead us to growth and victory. And it’s your kindness that leads us to repentance is so great that you were kind enough to show us another way, a better way that we can apologize, Lord, your God of second chances. So Father, I just ask God that you would give them encouragement, even right now. And Lord to day would be the turning a turning in their life where arguments just aren’t part of their marriage anymore. Father, and I pray God that you would give them wisdom about next steps God, if it’s working with me in the men’s course, God that that would be just something that would turn on their heart, they want that, or whether it’s working with me with one of my other courses, or one on one with women or whatever it is, or one on one with men. God, I pray that you would give them that insight and that inspiration God. But no matter what, Lord, we worship and praise you. And I believe that you’re honing this person, into the man or woman you want them to be first and foremost, God, that’s what you care about. And the way they are with their spouse is their character. They represent it every single day. They hone it every single day when they’re with their spouse. And I asked this would just be one more reminder of that. God, thank you. We love you. Amen.
48:07
Awesome. Again, well, thank you so much for listening in. If you are interested in working with me and one of my men’s programs, I would love to hear from you, you can actually schedule a free call with me. And that’s a clarity call, you’ll get 40 minutes of my undivided attention. And we’ll talk through how to get past and what are the biggest obstacles between you and where you’re really seeking your marriage to go, the intimacy, the love the connection. And if I think that we’re a good fit, and that I can help you solve those problems, then the catch is that I would be happy to invite you into one of my programs. Now I don’t invite everyone. I don’t think everyone’s the right fit. But you can find that out if you go to www dot delight your marriage.com/call ca LL and like I said, that’s a free 40 minute conversation. And it’s actually a $500 value. So I’m really focused on men right now. I’ve had really amazing breakthroughs with men. If you’re a woman and you want one on one coaching. You’re welcome to do that. Or like I said, you can get on my email list to learn about other offers that I have. So you can go to delight your marriage.com/five tips. The number five tip s awesome. All right. Well, thanks again. God bless you have a wonderful, wonderful day. And right now I just hope that you give a big smile and hold it and it’s going to be a great day. All right, that actually released a bunch of really good hormones and stuff in your body. So keep that smile on alright. God bless you talk soon.